so today...

almost freaking survived it. and it was a strange kind of day. a different one than i am used to. like i was happy all day. happy about something that happened yesterday and a person. and abby called me all giggly and cute. what if i'm just being stupid and naive? that's possible too but i don't really care, i might as well enjoy all these silly emotions while i have them, cause they've never existed before and who knows how long they will last.

i'm just going crazy. i don't know how else to explain it. like my head is going to explode and like my belly is just freaking out. and i just think about touching him yesterday and it happens all over again. or think about him just smiling at me or walking with Maeve and I out to the cars. and yeah. ah. blahahah.

it's scary that someone else can do this to me. up to this point people have made me mad or happy but it's never been like this. i've had crushes when i remember myself staring at the back of their head during class or willing for them to talk to me either in class or online. but it never felt like this. and that scares me so much.

why? cause there's the fear that he doesn't feel the same way. that i'm just over here freaking out and he's just perfectly fine like nothing happened. and there's the fear that this won't last. that just one day my stomach will stop flip-flopping or his will. and there's nothing i can do about that either. it's the lack of control. i no longer have control. i never said "alright, you can like him," I just do. it was never a decision. i don't know what it was, but hey here i am now.

and what's also scary is that this could be something. i've done everything right. i started really talking to him in December. it's May now. that's five months. it's not like i'm rushing into anything. i've done things with him out of school. bowling, Northampton, his house, Treasure Island. i've texted him plenty enough. i talk to him in school. and it's all been gradual. building up to everything. which is actually kind of cool to see. but now it's just like after all this time of possibly, maybe, the chances have just increased by so much and now i really want it to happen and oh my goodness.

i need to stop freaking myself out even more. it's bed time. i already said goodnight and got my goodnight back ten minutes ago. why am i still up?

oh, i just realized if i get to sleep and then wake up, i get to see him again. op.