more relationship thingys

my dad gave me a lovely talk today. he was telling me how i can't let all my time be taken up by my boyfriend. and how he doesn't mind that i have a boyfriend, it's just the fact that i could get hurt. and how emotions hurt a lot more than being hit on the head. and how the chances of a first relationship leading to marriage is very very slim and how most marriages end up in divorce and how i need to stay realistic. and how he just doesn't want me to get hurt. and if Josh hurts me than he'll kill him.

and i agree with my dad. completely. i don't think I'm going to marry Josh. is there a chance? yep. but there's a bigger chance i won't. but i'm not looking that far ahead. my goal is to just take it one day at a time. And Abby, if I start becoming one of those obsessed girlfriends please tell me to stop immediately because i'll just end up hurting myself.

and Abby thank you for letting me ask you all these questions and talk to you about this stuff. because we sort of need to. it's like topics are shunned from normal conversation. relationships are supposed to be kept to yourself and quiet. but i can't do that, i need help from people and such. i mean even just talking about kissing in those last two posts is a bit of a gasp. because you don't talk about stuff like that. people just don't. it's acceptable but you don't talk about it. which is stupid. so if you want to talk to me about something Abby please do. about anything. i don't care if you change your mind a day later and everything you said is suddenly invalid because i do that a lot.

i doubt and question myself a lot. about everything. like i question my feelings. like "am i feeling what i'm supposed to feel?" do you know what i mean? and then i question my questioning. like if i really felt a certain way then i wouldn't be questioning it. but that's stupid because that's what i do, question and think. i challenge everything. i wish you could know what i'm thinking sometimes because it's kind of interesting. but i'll give you a paragraph of some of the questions and such that i think. don't take me seriously because that's what i do, question.

are we going too fast? too slow? am i doing the whole thing right? should i be doing something different? do i really like him more than a friend?

but then some of those i can answer right away. it doesn't matter if we're moving "fast" or "slow" as long as we're happy with where we're at or whatever. and there isn't a right or wrong. i just have to be myself and everything will work out. and i don't need to do anything different, i'm figure it out, it will come. and i do. i trust him more than all but one of my friends. i want to hold his hand all the time. i can't help but smile when i see him. i never want to leave when i'm with him. and if you compare that to my other friends. when i went out with Adam, i wanted to leave so i left and we never touched each other and i never wanted to touch him. i've told Josh things that I haven't told Katelyn, lots of things actually.

and for me the deciding thing that makes all the questions irrelevant is i'm happy. happy happy. i'm happy texting him. i'm happier when i'm with him. i'm even happier when i'm talking to him. and that's all that really matters to me right now.

and i think i have hit the end of the post. actually no. Abby is it weird that I'm curious as to what Josh and Avarie's relationship was like but at the same time I don't want to know at all?

aww Maura just did the cutest thing ever. she made Josh a birthday card. it has a saxophone on the front and the inside is like a music staff with "Happy Birthday" like musical notes. Maura's the greatest ever. Okay now I'm done.