from single Molly to Josh's girlfriend.

before 8th grade - saw him at a few horse shows
8th grade - his first year at HRHS. algebra. i sat in the middle row two seats from the back. Josh sat two rows over to the right in the back corner. typical 8th grade crush. i don't think i ever actually talked to him.
summer between 8th and 9th grade - Maeve beat him at regionals, she got champion and he got reserve
9th grade - history class. crush on and off.
- first mention in my blog on February 4, 2009:

"lunch was interesting. John and Josh sat with us. it was not that good. i don't think they will ever sit with us again. which is probably for the better. so yeah. it was kind of awkward and well i just sort of want it to go back to how it was...1st quarter. except that Abby didn't sit with us then."

- discussed again on March 31, 2009 when he was with our group during the fire drill that wasn't a fire drill
- April 1st 2009, worked on project with him and discussed history class

"so guess what i did today? made a complete fool of myself. YAYYYYYYY! how you may ask? history. stupid history. normally i love that class. I like Mr. Touchette, the work isn't that hard, Stephanie and Abby are in it along with JonJay and Josh which makes it entertaining not to mention we all sit next to each other, and i like the atmosphere of the class most of the time."

- May 29, 2009

"so today at the end of history we were able to just talk. and well our "clique" which is equal to Abby, Stephanie, Josh, and Jonathon were all talking. but i felt left out of course. i didn't know what to say. i felt out of place. not that it is a new feeling."

summer between 9th and 10th grade - i believe that when I skipped out on the beach on July 29, 2009 he was there but other that no mention
10th grade - he was dating Avarie and I barely even thought about him
- September 11, 2009 when I had a crush on Sawyer and Josh was in my english class

"english Friend worked with Heather, Jon, and Josh on a sentence pattern thingy which was fine cause i'm too far away to ask him to work with him without getting up out of my seat and making a big deal out it, plus Katelyn would have killed me and i don't like having her in my english class too much but i'll deal"

- April 6, 2010 (notice the big jump) when I had a crush on Ryan, the next-door neighbor

"i'm scared of a lot of things. nervous. apprehensive. you know. which is why when Abby suggested that she get me and Ryan together in some sort of group since Josh and Colin know him and she has heard he is very nice. i instantly said no. what did she expect me to say?"

- August 11, 2010 (notice the big time jump again) he actually comes back in the picture when he sits next to me at bowling

"you know before when i would complain about how i wanted there to just be a boy. now i have two. sort of. and hey at bowling Josh sat next to me. he could have sat wherever he wanted to but he sat next to me. made me feel pretty darn good."

- August 12, 2010

"do you remember back in ninth grade when I worried about boys all the time? i did the whole obsess thing. i did it on Matt Cabral and then i did a bit on Josh Rivard as well. so i have completely pushed Matt out of my head but hey all because I liked him before then didn't again doesn't mean that Josh is out of the picture, he sat next to me at bowling and helped me when my brain didn't function properly while adding.
i guess this blog was sort of pointless because all i can do is wait and slowly weave my relationships with them. not like "a relationship" but the other definition. just by existing and talking to them and being there i guess. just get through another day and see what that brings."

(haha, look Molly, you're actually in a relationship with him)
- Whoaoaoa, I went from not mentioning him at all in September to mentioning him 20 times in October, so here we go
- October 11, 2010

"who would i invite? Abby, (hi Abby), and probably Colin which would bring about Josh and Nicole. I always wanted to be better friends with them but that has never worked out."

- On October 12, 2010 was when the seed was really planted, Abby you should just go back and read that whole post.

"Abby sent me a text last night which i got this morning stating this: "I know you wont respond to this tonight, unless you are up, but were you ever at all interested in josh?" to which i was like "what? yes." so the answer to her question is definitely yes. ever since he came to this school in eighth grade and was in my algebra class. yeah i am that precise. but then he started dating Avarie and i sort of stopped paying attention to him and i didn't have any classes with him. but i guess i didn't completely stop paying attention to him as you can see in my last post when i mentioned him. and when we went bowling and how i mentioned how i liked that he sat next to me."

"but now i think Abby sort of wants to know what i think now. right? the thing is i am not really sure. it is definitely a possibility. but i would like to get to know him better cause i can't say any more than that right now. you know how i am about getting to know someone or what not. it would be nice just to have him as a friend if nothing else ever worked out. but now it is sort of awkward. like even today at the PSAT write-your-name-and-fill-in-the-bubbles thing i wasn't sure what to say or how to act around him and it was like i was nervous about what to say or do because i wanted to make a good impression or whatever. i guess that is a good thing? or it means that if i can't be myself around him then it will never be more than an awkward 'hi, how are you? good.'"

"so Abby go ahead with whatever scheming you are doing. just know that i will most likely feeling nervous, but a good sort of nervous, and i am afraid that i will blow whatever chance i have. and i won't know what to say and i will be extremely self-conscious. even more so now that i know there is a chance that he could actually like me and thinks about me when i am not standing right in front of him...i am not sure. especially since i don't know him and i am not sure if i even like him. i like the idea of him more than the actually person currently. but maybe that could change."

(ohhohoh, look at that it did change)
- overthinking on October 13, 2010

"i'm more concerned with Josh and Adam. funny how that happens. earlier this week i barely paid attention to Josh. well i would see him and sort of acknowledge him but i didn't think that he thought about me so just went on. now it's like "oh. there could be something here." and i'm not sure if i like that. because it gets me thinking too much and worried too much and acting differently and yeah. but whatever...nd i don't even know what is up with Josh, Abby just has my mind all freaked out. and i'm not upset or angry about that. but i just don't want to do something stupid and that want will probably make me do something stupid. it's like i want to know where i stand and i want to make progress towards some kind of relationship (remember relationship can be friends or enemies, not just bf/gf). why don't they talk to me? in the case of Adam it is either because he doesn't have the confidence or he doesn't want to. in the case of Josh probably because we have never really talked before so why start now? old habits are hard to break..."
"oh and then i made a bit of a fool of myself sixth period. i went down to Mr. Dewitt's classroom to makeup a test and he has a study hall. oh guess who is in that study hall. Josh. ha. he was sitting in the back corner. Mr. Dewitt gives me the test and i can sit wherever i want. maybe it would have been smart to just sit in the front but i was sort of used to going to the back to stay out of the way of the class but hey it's a study hall so that was stupid thinking. so i ended up in the back next to Josh which was just silly of me. he was on his laptop the whole time and then put his head down on his desk and probably fell asleep while i was gong through this horrible AP test. either he was like "oh great here comes this girl", he didn't even notice, or he appreciated my presence. i vote one of the first two. i should of sat next to Mollie."

- October 15, 2010, thinking too much again

"so. Abby i want you to "set me up" or whatever. why? because i'm too afraid to do it myself. and because if abby thinks it could work then there is a good possibility something could work out. but even beyond that. if it doesn't work out at. i wouldn't be mad or upset at abby. i need to have things not work out or a "broken heart" because i have no experience. well i don't have any experience having my heart together...or whatever the opposite of a broken heart is. so that might be nice too. but i am getting way too ahead of myself. so i need to step back. and that is what i am going to do. i may not mention or say anything but i am paying attention. i will notice every time he is in the same area of me. and yes that is because of you abby. but hey there has to be some reason doesn't there?...but at the same time it's not that big of a deal. it just seems like it now because i'm talking about it. i would be perfectly fine if i never talked to josh again in my life. that's the truth. really. but i could be better than perfectly fine if i did talk to him. "could be". i don't know....
[later]i want a relationship to just happen. i don't want it to be forced. i want it to be spontaneous. i want to be surprised at how well we get along together."

(would you look at that, now i would not be perfectly fine if i never talked to josh again, and look at that i was, and still am, surprised at how long we get along together)
- October 24, 2010 i stopped thinking so much

"i have to go to school tomorrow. i don't want to. i just want to stop trying. but i will keep on going. tomorrow i will wake up at 6:30 and get ready for school. i will go to each class. i will do what i am supposed to. i will pass by Josh and Adam in the hallways and wonder what they thinking. i will deal with Steven on this project. i will smile and try to act positive. i will try to look good. i will walk through the hallways pretending that i have some confidence. i will do it. i just don't want to."

- October 27, 2010

"i was getting my stuff from my locker at the end of school and i stood up straight and i happened to look to my right and Josh was looking at me. or maybe he just happened to be looking at that way too. but there was that second where we were both looking at each other and i knew he must have thought about me for that one second and i was wondering what he was thinking. then i looked away. i am pretty sure i looked away first unless it was at the same time. for a while i tried not to look away but i sort of forgot about that. but yeah. it was just weird."

- November 11, 2010 the all-night skate, what was I thinking? oh wait, i know.

"My favorite part? I have two actually...Second was just sitting at the table with Abby and Josh. I was overtired so I was completely out of it and I probably didn't make much sense or contribute in a good way to the conversation but it was nice. Because you don't get to do that in school. You can just sit down and talk because you always feel like you have something else you should be doing, or you actually do. Or you never get the chance because you don't have class with them or whatever. At the same time that was nice though it was kind of awkward. Josh and I didn't look at each other when we were speaking to each other which Abby called us out on. But at least we were talking to each other jeez. (:"
"Yes I am glad that Josh sat next to me and all but you missed that whole exchange. Mike was the one who told Josh to sit there. I moved over and all and I think Mike was going to sit on the opposite side and Josh started sitting at a different table and Mike told him to sit there. And then he sat there for the rest of the night whether I was sitting next to him or not. I think Josh is really nice. End of sentence, I'm not adding a "but" to that last sentence. I'm not dying to go out with him either. Because it is still really awkward. As our table decided to have to know someone before you can date them."
"So let me wrap this up by saying that right now I should be writing a letter for a soldier or reading history and I am glad I went to all-night skate. If nothing else I had fun. If more than that I was able to get to know Josh more. If more than that it was freaking awesome."

- November 16, 2010

"i could write about how i walked behind Josh in the hallway after english and i didn't say anything even though i should of. later i thought that i could have asked him about horse judging. but whatever yo."

- November 29, 2010 Josh wants to read my story, which I completely forgot about until now. Ohhh, that could be a good birthday present actually, letting him read that story even though I don't like it at all. But anyways on this day I can't open my locker in front of Josh, then Abby makes Josh give me my stuff that I gave to her. Then Abby says "you're going to have another encounter with Josh today" which I can't stop stop thinking about and now I'll give you some direct quotes

"but then later when Colin was off talking to someone i asked Abby what she meant earlier during homeroom because even a math class couldn't keep me from thinking about it. and she was all like (okay i'm going to stop saying that now) "i meant, he should have an encounter with you" which means they were talking about me. score! right? i don't know. and then we had a conversation where i figured out that for some strange bizarre (that's one of our vocab words this week) reason he wants to read my book. i sigh just at the mention of my book because it is complete crap. honestly."
"but the awfulness of my story is beside the point, the point is, or points are, 1. Why would Josh want to read this story? 2. How does he know about this story? I mean, it's not a secret, but I don't broadcast it either. 3. I was the topic of discussion at one point 4. Abby wasn't supposed to tell me something, which I'm not sure what exactly that is - meaning I don't know if the whole "he wants to read my story" deal was what she wasn't supposed to say. 5. I was going to give Abby my story to read first because I'll let her read anything I write even if it is as awful as this story is, and then she would give it to him. But I am thinking of making him ask me. Because if he asks me there is no way I can say no because he actually talked to me. -gasp- 6. I am not sure what this whole thing means. Back to point number one."
"I also want to know people's motives or why things are. I like to feel like I am in control. But I may have to give that up some. I tried to. I said to myself "Okay I am going to back off the whole Josh thing and see where things go" and that worked up until something happen then I ran to my blog to write about it."

- December 3, 2010

"- i'm going to give people the opportunity to start a conversation with me by saying something. like i'll give Josh the chance to ask me if he can read my book instead of just waiting."

- December 7, 2010

"i forgot to mention earlier. today when i was walking up the stairs to english all three of the guys that i am supposed to be talking to were walking in front of me. seriously. you had Josh right in front of me and right in front of him was Joey and in front of him was Adam. if everyone spread out their arms we would have made a chain, we were so close."

- December 10, 2010

"So sorry those were so short. I would rather talk about improvisketchologues. Best parts: 1. finding out Josh was going to be there...Worse parts: 1. Not saying anything to Josh because I'm a chicken."

- December 23, 2010

"today was the last day of school before vacation. it went very well. i was in a good mood all day and the AP test went well and i am wearing a fabulous necklace right now and it's all just fabulous. this morning before i was leaving to go to school i got a text from Abby saying "Dear molly. please bring your book to school today. :) and bring you too. Love abby" so i was like okay dokay. knowing that it probably had something to do with josh since you know that story. and i asked her why during homeroom but she "because" and i just accepted that answer. but it turns out i brought it back home with me today without even taking it out of my bag! -_- if you want to read the stupid book then just ask me. i don't bite. honestly. but i can say that yet i won't talk to him. my excuse is that i don't have anything to talk to him about. DARN IT. I JUST REMEMBERED NOW THAT I COULD HAVE ASKED HIM ABOUT THE CONCERT. DAMN IT. yes i did just swear. that is how frustrated i am right now. but you wouldn't be able to tell by looking at me. my expression hasn't changed since i started writing this. my mother and sister are sitting at the table right now and they have no clue. but yeah i had said to myself last night that i should ask him and i just like yeah okay i will. AND THEN I FORGOT UNTIL NOW. and i legit forgot. it wasn't like i remembered and was like "i don't wanna" i really FORGOT AGHAGHAGAHHHH. missed my chance. damn it. yes i just swore again."

- December 24, 2010

"at one point when i came back from bowling Abby was talking to Nicole and Abby said "her future boyfriend" and it was obvious they were talking about me so i was like, "what was that abby, i couldn't quite here you." and Nicole said, "i think she said 'future boyfriend'" and i was like "nah it sounded more like 'funny pickles'" but you see if i was thinking straight i would have said something like "me? boyfriend? nahh" and then they would have come back with something and i would have known what they were saying. because i am like that. i always like to know what is going on. even when i'm driving. i don't like not being able to see far ahead and i like to know what way i am going in advance.
but that was very nice. i am excited for wednesday. if it happens. then that will be me, abby, nicole, josh, colin, and jayna. even if josh wasn't going i would be excited to spend time with nicole and abby and jayna. i never see jayna. but i wonder how it will work out with the six of us. last time we all went bowling Mollie and Katelyn were also there. and then the last time it was just me, Abby, and Nicole. and then at all night skating it was me, Abby, and Josh talking for a part, then Colin, Mike, and Katelyn were also there for part of it. but we shall find out."

(jeez, how long were you guys planning on Josh and me getting together eventually?)
- December 26, 2010 this is from when I was talking about Katelyn but I also included a quality picture that day

"and things she says sometimes annoys me. and sometimes i feel like i can't really by myself around her. like i don't want her to be around when i talk to Josh, or even make new friends. it's weird."

- December 29, 2010 so this is the day when it really started happening, when we started...texting. XD

"and at one point abby stole both mine and josh's phone and put each others numbers in the other's phone. and then i sent him a random text message like i was sending to everyone else. and we started talking. and it was fabulous yo. see even if we can't talk in person we can talk through a cell phone. but we did talk in person too. we were able to make fun of abby. and tell corny jokes. it was all good. :D
...and then his phone died. but AAAHHHHHHHH OH MY GOD. I TEXTED A GUY AND I AKED HIM TO TEXT ME TOMORROW AND HE SAID "SURE THING" AHHHHHHHH. i am smiling so much right now. so happy. goodness. i really can't believe this. ah. maybe it will actually work out. we will see tomorrow if he texts me. abby says he will and that he told her that he wants to text me. and now i need to calm down.
i am gaining a friend. a nice friend. i need more friends. that's all. he is just a friend. and i am so okay with that. if having him as a friend means i get to feel like this every time i'm with him and afterwards. sure thing, let's be friends.
okay. i am just happy. so happy. and it is wonderful. and i'm listening to taylor swift. and it is wonderful. maybe i should go to sleep now so i can wake up in the morning and see if he texted me. but nah. i can't get that built up on a text message. because who knows what that text message will mean to him. maybe not as much as to me. but i'm okay with that honestly. ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhappy."

- December 30, 2010 the first post of the day

"i don't have any more text messages to share with you but i'm not worried. i may later. it is still early for teenagers to be awake. but my phone hasn't left my side yet today.
but apart from the whole Josh thing, i love Nicole. much more than i thought i would. she is just so sweet and great and wonderful. seriously. why the heck haven't i been friends with her since 8th grade? OH RIGHT cause i'm a loser and too shy to talk to people. but she probably made my night with the whole "OMG I'M SITTING NEXT TO MOLLY!" it makes me smile thinking about it. she is just a wonderful person. maybe i'll text her a bit later. who knows. i don't really have anything to say to her...ah. i need to do homework. jeez school. i wonder how that will change things between me and josh and nicole. well i never see Nicole, literally, so probably nothing. but then i do see josh. maybe if he texts me i'll tell him that he has to say hi to me every time he sees me in the hall. but maybe not i don't know. i am not going to worry or build anything up. if i have no expectations then i can't be disappointed, right?"

- December 30, 2010 the second post of the day

"SO. after barley getting any sleep last night because i kept waking up to see if it was tomorrow yet. and then waking up at like 8, the earliest this vacation, and not being able to go back to sleep. and then waiting all day for a text message from him. checking my phone all the time even when i knew no one had texted. he finally texted me. and it made me smile a lot. and i am currently still texting him. i have to think that he must want to talk to me too or else he would have stopped by now. but here is the conversation both for my personal records and for those people who want to read it. i guess if we text like this more often i won't be able to put all our conversations up here because they will be too long but hey we'll take it one day at a time and today i am going to write out every word from the past four hours. this will be hard though because i am currently texting him, Nicole, and Abby so i am going to be interrupted often. but here i go."

(and if you go back and read that text message exchange (which i did), there are references to when I was confused about his =) which he mentioned not the most recent Friday, but the Friday before that, I'm surprised that he still remembered)
- December 31, 2010
"i was up until 11:30 texting Josh. yeah. we texted pretty much consistently for six hours. do people normally do that? well abby and i text back and forth all the time but you know it isn't really one continuous conversation. and i text dana sometimes but not that often, only when we have something we actually have to say. we don't just text about really nothing, which josh and i pretty much did...but at the same time i can't have a friendship solely through text messages. seriously. if we can't talk in person then yeah. but i think the text messages help. and until monday, when i'll see him next, i'll continue to text him. i'll text him later in the day since he made me wait until 5 yesterday."

"the big question is does he actually want to talk to me or is he just being nice? well lets see each side. for he actually wants to talk to me: 1. he texted me first. 2. he kept responding in a reasonable time. 3. if it took him a while to respond he said why. 4. he asked me questions 5. it seemed like he liked texting back and forth 6. the reason why we stopped texted was because he said he had to go to sleep because he gets up late enough already 7. he said we will have to continue our conversation tomorrow. for he is just being nice: 1. i sounded like a fool often 2. he never actually asked for my number 3. i asked him to text me (but he did, he didn't have to) SO i guess it sounds like he actually wanted to text me. alright then.
so let me sum this up. texting josh makes me happy. but i am not too excited about this because i need to actually talk to him. i am going to have to figure out a way to slowly ease him into conversation because listen to this. i was in the car with maeve and my mom and maeve asked who i was texting i said i was texting Nicole. and she said oh tell her i said hi. and then she said "remember when i beat her brother all the time at riding?" and i was like "yeah, i just went bowling with him yesterday" then there was an awkward sort of silence. and then i asked maeve if she had anything else she wanted to say to Nicole. and that was it. maybe it was only an uncomfortable silence to me. but hey i went to Danny's birthday party and my mom was okay with that. so i just have to ease my family into this, IF this turns into anything. it may not. so i can't get too freaked out yet. so yeah. until then i am happy just texting him. and then we'll see how it goes one day at a time."

2011
- January 1, 2011 first post, talking about the New Year Eve party at Katelyn's

"part of the reason why i didn't mind the party was because i wasn't completely there the whole time. i was the rude person on their cell phone. i really don't care what they thought of me and my cellphone. cause i had a nice conversation with josh thank you very much. i started texting him around 4 something for a little bit then he had to go eat. and then he came back and said he was working on his project and that his phone might die but he thought he had an hour. and then i didn't hear back from him for a long while. he said his phone died sooner than he thought but he recharged it some. fabulous. and then we texted back and forth until almost 2 in the morning when he went to sleep. but i was stuck awake for another two hours! yipppeee!
but i think he actually does want to text me. because when he started watching Despicable Me i told him to feel free to stop texting me to watch the movie but he said he could watch the movie and talk to me at the same time. and then i was saying how i needed to find an outlet because my phone was dying. and he said yeah, definitely don't want it to die. and then i said (i don't know what i was thinking, it was 1 in the morning) "you would miss me texting you too much if my phone died. but now i'm plugged in." and he said "True, I would miss texting you too much" ahhhhhhh. (: then i said that i would miss texting him too. and he called me super duper. ha. well that was also partially my doing. i might as well tell that story too. new paragraph."
"okay that's all wonderful and all but it can't be that fabulous right? well for one i haven't really talked to him a lot in person. which concerns me. but monday. i'll walk with him to english class. i don't know what we will talk about. his history project. despicable me (which i spoiled for him. >.<). and we still have two more days to come up with things to talk about in person via text. but it is going to be weird. since i've been talking to him a whole bunch but i haven't actually seen him. that is probably my major concern currently."

- January 1, 2011 second post

"now the only reason i don't want to go on vacation would be because i wouldn't be able to text josh. but i think i'm getting ahead of myself there. we'll see where we stand with that in three weeks. i can't imagine we'll continue texting each other this much then. because already i'm not hanging on the phone as much. sure i still am. but not as much. i took a three hour nap up in my room today and i left my phone downstairs. see? i'm getting better. i wish you could hear the tone of voice i'm thinking all of this. because you probably don't get what i'm actually saying. that's part of the challenge of being a writer though."
"thank goodness i can text josh and not worry about it. see how my life has changed so much? before i was moping about who knows what and then now all i talk about in this blog is texting josh, texting josh, texting josh. ahh. and nope my family still doesn't know. i wish i had said something in the car, i could have just said that i was texting abby, nicole, and josh. and they probably wouldn't have said anything. oh welll. maybe i'll have another chance eventually. of course i will. it's not like it's a big secret. i am just sort of scared. because this is the first time anything like this has happened, you know? none of my sisters have friends who are guys. you mention a guy at our dinner table and my father makes some sort of comment about if we have a crush on him or something. well my father is in for a surprise then.
but then again i'm getting ahead of myself. you see i'm not an irrational teenager. i don't think i am going to marry him because i've sent him a few texts (cough, cough, a few? how about 180?). sure i'm thinking about boyfriend girlfriend dating stuff but that's realistic. i'm thinking about being friends. i'm not changing my everyday life to conform to his texts. i still did homework. i took a nap even though he could have texted me at any second. i still ate dinner with my family. i'm not hiding up in my room texting him. i'm right smack dap in the middle of the kitchen. i'm not looking too far ahead. i'm taking it one day at a time. today? i'm going to text him until i want to go sleep. which might end up being soon. cause i'm tired. i'm not squealing and going crazy. yes, i do that little jumping thing/belly flop almost every time he texts me but that's reasonable too, mostly because i can't control that - that's emotions and chemicals and whatever else that is. i'm not obsessing. i think i'm being reasonable. right?"

- January 2, 2011

"I should be sleeping now:
why am i not?
because i told Josh not to text me until he finished his project. and he said he would text me when he finished. and he hasn't texted me yet. and i would feel like a jerk if i went to sleep now. but hopefully he was able to finish his project a little bit quicker and will be able to go to sleep earlier than if i kept interrupting him with text messages.
i am thinking i'll just send him a message saying that i'm going to go to sleep and i'll see him tomorrow.
but yeah. smart idea molly. not."

- January 5, 2011

"let's start at the beginning. we were almost late to school, like five seconds not late. because of my mother. we were waiting in the car for her. so i didn't see josh in the morning. and he walks too fast to english class. i swear before every time that i didn't want to talk to him we ended up walking next to each other. but then when i do want to talk to him, he's nowhere in sight. but that is just how it works."

then discussing my Pride situation

"i didn't start crying about it until i told josh that i was selling my horse and he asked why and i told him and he responded and all. it wasn't what he said really it was just that i kind of hit me that yeah, i'm selling my horse. and it wasn't like i started sobbing. just a few tears but i'm fine now. sort of. i don't think i will be perfectly fine for a while...but on the upside i guess telling josh about pride is...good? right? i'm not too worried about josh though. i'll take it as it comes. each day. i'm not going to overanalyze it. i have other things to worry about. if we're meant to be friends then it will happen. even so i still have my phone on my belly so i can see right away when i have a text. and i'm lying down in my bed so that's possible. well my laptop in my on belly and knees and my phone is on my ribcage. anyways....i think i'm done. i'm tired. i should sleep but i want to keep texting josh and abby. so i'm not going to. i'll just be tired tomorrow. i can sleep on vacation."

- January 9, 2011, the first out of four posts

"so the plan yesterday was for me and abby to meet up with Colin, Josh, and Nicole, see a movie, get some dinner, and hang out in Northampton. when i told my mother she was said "so is it like a double date with Nicole?" and i said "I guess you could call it that" and then she proceeded to say "or is it more like a group outing" and i said "more like that." but then what happens when Nicole doesn't show up? and you end up sitting in the Josh for the entire movie and at dinner? i don't think so."
"so heres the next thing i guess. where do josh and i stand? well ever since i got his number we have texted every night. every night we say good night to each other and i will wait until i get the goodnight text back before i go to sleep. throughout the whole night he followed me around through the stores and walked next to me and such. at school we talk when we can but a lot of the time we don't know what to say or whatever. we are already planning to do some other stuff together. and when i go away we decided that we would email each other and give each other updates.
i'm not going to be vague because i can't do that right now. i need to figure out my thoughts. the big question is friends or more than friends? right now the answer that jumps to my mind right away is friends. after last night that answer is clearer. is it possible in the future to be more than friends? sure it's possible but that doesn't mean its going to happen. we still couldn't really have a conversation together without abby. and i wasn't nervous. i'm not sure what that means. but i wasn't nervous, i was more...cautious, if that is the word. like when i wasn't sure what to say, i didn't say anything. and i listened. and watched. i guess. i don't know. it's complicated."

- January 9, 2011, the second out of four posts

"i could text josh but i'm not feeling it.
i don't know maybe i should text him.
or i sit here feeling sorry for myself."

- January 9, 2011, the third out of four posts

"Things I Look For in a Relationship:
- he makes me happy.
- i always want to be with him or be talking to him.
- he makes me smile all the time.
- he makes me feel special and fabulous.
- it doesn't matter if he meets or doesn't meet the criteria of the list because i just want to be with him."

(would you look at that, i like that list)

"now i'm back to the same question. so what now? and the answer to that question is i'm going to keep texting josh, i'll talk to him tomorrow, and i'll just see where it goes. i'm not too worried."

- January 9, 2011 the fourth of out four posts - i shared texts that showed why i like being his friend

"and last night i was nervous because i made the mistake of bringing up college with josh...So i went from thinking i screwed myself over to a very nice conversation...And now I am going to watch a movie and text josh and eat ice cream."

- January 15, 2011 the beginning of the vacation

"um. but the whole vacation thing you know. it's cool. but what is cooler is having people back home who care about you. and knowing that they have to care about you at some level because they text you the entire time you are waiting for the plane to take off, text you while you are walking around miami, text you when you are waiting for your bed to be set up in Miami, text you goodnight, tells you goodnight, then emails you, comes on facebook just to talk to you, emails you back even though you are talking on facebook. so yeah it's pretty nice.
yeah that started off with me talking about both Abby and Josh and then i sort of just was talking about Josh. but i appreciate it very much so from both of them. but i feel sort of bad over here just talking about my vacation. i want to hear about their life too. i don't know. it's still weird. i guess that is relating towards josh because abby and i are abby and i."
"i just realized that i don't get to say goodnight to him tonight. i am pretty sure ever since we started texting i've said goodnight to him before i went to sleep. is that weird? is it weird that i've texted him goodnight every night and that he has texted me back the same? is it weird that i would wait to get the goodnight text back before i went to sleep? is it weird that i even care that i'm not getting a goodnight text tonight?
and i stopped in the middle of "is it weird" rampage because i got an email and it was indeed from Josh. and it made me smile lots. and i think i am going to go to sleep now and not think about how things are weird. i am going to smile because that email made me happy. i'll send him an email back in the morning. alright. goodnight for real this time."

- January 21, 2011, post number one

"His emails seriously make my day.
This morning I was very disappointed when I didn't have an email from him and I didn't get one last night either. Every time I got an email I would quickly look to see who it was from. And just a minute a got one from him. It made me smile lots. I didn't even care that it was very late, he said why, and I am just very happy now. I can't really focus on my IDSs anymore even though I told myself I would stop for now after this one. But yes, happy. (:"

- January 21, 2011, post number two, about Abby's dream

"So yes I can relate to this. Or maybe I am just making myself relate to it because Josh is on my mind because he is on my mind more than he probably should me, and I just checked my email for an email from him."

- January 22, 2011

"Going to school on Tuesday: Pros: - Seeing Abby and Josh, because those are the two people worth seeing at my school"

- January 23, 2011

"Now I have to email back Josh and go to sleep, because I have to go to the airport tomorrow morning. Ah goodbye Tobago. ):"

- January 25, 2011 post one

"Now you might be wondering, "what about you and Josh? All you do is text him." Yes, but I don't love him and I'm not in a relationship with him. And those will never happen until we've spent adequate time together and can talk to each other without it being awkward, because that is important to me."

- January 25, 2011 post two

"It's amazing how one word can make me happy. But if someone else said it, it wouldn't mean a thing to me.
If you haven't guessed already I just received a one word text from Josh saying "Goodnight =)"
I still believe you can't have a relationship based on off only texts but that doesn't mean you can't be happy when someone texts you.
I think I am going to sleep better tonight than I have since...January 14th. Yes, I just checked that on my phone.
I wonder if that word means as much to him as it does to me. Well you would think it does, since he consistently says it every night we text. Anyways I need to go to sleep now that I got my goodnight text."

- January 28, 2011 talking about what I would do if I had no fear

"Abby asked me that and this is what I said: "i would talk all the time in class, i would tell everyone exactly how i feel, i would ride my horse, i would talk to josh about something other than random unimportant things, and that is all i can think of."...- I would ask Josh what he would do if he had no fear, which is kind of ironic since you know I'm writing a list about things I would do if I had no fear...so yeah I'm going to shut up now"
"Sorry I'm in a weird mood tonight. I just started silently freaking out because by accident instead of texting Josh, I touched his name on my cellphone screen so it went to the page to call him. If I pressed the wrong button then I would have called him. So I slowly pressed the button to go back. Crisis averted.
Oh that's something else to add to my list, I wouldn't be afraid to text Josh whenever I want. Currently, because I am a scared little girl, I won't text him back too quickly - don't want to see to desperate or attached you know.
God, why am I so messed up? Why has this world made me so messed up? I've actually had no say in who I am now. Actually forget I said that because I don't want to get into that. I want to go to sleep. I am going to text Josh and tell him I am going to sleep and tell him goodnight and then I am going to wait up until he texts me back saying goodnight.
Alright. Also if I wasn't afraid then I would tell Josh how every night I look forward to that one stupid word and little smilie face. If I wasn't afraid I would just show him this silly little blog, actually I would show everyone it. But that for sure isn't happening. For sure now I am going to sleep. It's 9:56. Goodnight! (:"

- January 30, 2011 surprise welcome home party

"Um I feel like I should be saying more. I probably should mention something about Josh, since you know he was one of the people who organized the whole thing, but I don't know what to say. I think I should just get ready for Bella's party. Then after that I have to do homework. And I have to charge my phone in case someone decides to text me."

So now I'm going to skip a lot of posts that aren't really significant, but I probably would have included like an hour ago, see the next post to find out way I no longer feel like it
- February 5, 2011

"so i just watched the movie called "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" and while I was, I was texting Josh - until he played his videogame but you know. anyways the coincidence was that the song between the main character and his "girl" was the song "Secrets" by Onerepublic. which i love anyways. but the other day josh had asked for music suggestions, and then i asked for some in return. and one of them he said was "secrets" so i asked if that was by Onerepublic, and he said yeah it was, and that he liked it and such.
So what are the odds that the movie my sisters decide to watch has that song in it and that I decide to watch it, because they had watched a movie earlier that I didn't watch. And what are the odds that he would have mentioned that song, he said he just listed the songs he listened to most recently, and that i would ask him about that one song."

- February 12, 2011

"Yesterday Abby said she was talking to my "future boyfriend," do you guys (referring to possible future readers) know who she was talking about? Probably if you actually read this thing...But is that what is going to happen eventually? You know when a girl is interested in a guy and he seems interested in her back, they start dating, correct? I don't really know, I've never had it happen before. But what does that even entail? I know it is different for every couple. So I can't look at Abby's relationship and expect that have that. I can't really base my relationships off anything, except what I want and expect, and that will change with different people. Gasp, did I just hint at the fact that in my life i'll have more than one boyfriend? Yeah I did. But blah. My mind is all messy right now. Let's focus on the guy that might actually have the label "boyfriend" is in the future. Do I think he could be? Yes. Do I think it might end up that he never is? Yes. I don't know. It's like I'm in high school so everything is sort of hard. I've read things about in college, when you meet someone you're interested in you immediately go out with them and skip the whole "friends" part, but that doesn't mean you are "boyfriend/girlfriend." But for some reason in high school the steps go like this: friends, then boyfriend/girlfriend. There is almost no in between. I'm not ready for that jump, because it seems so huge to me. I don't want to jump half-heartedly. I want to be ready. I think I'm moving in the right direction though. The other day Josh waited while I got my stuff at my locker to talk to me. Everyone else had already gone off but he waited and talked to me. I didn't talk to him much because I had a driving appointment I had to get to, and that had been an extremely long and tiring day but I was glad he did. And I still text him every night and he always texts me back. And in the next two weeks there are two possible out-of-school outings where I would see him, Justin Bieber movie and sledding."

- February 25, 2011, Josh gets a tumblr which will freak me out in less than three months from then

"josh got a tumblr today. it wasn't that hard to convince him to make one. i pretty much said, you should make a tumblr. he didn't want to make one then, so i said how about tomorrow? and he made one. easy peasy. so far all he has done is made one text post himself, and reblogged me. the last post he reblogged from me was 12 pages in my blog, from February 6th. I was not expecting him to go back that far into my posts. I should have looked back there to make sure they were all quality. oh well, they're there. we will see how him having a tumblr goes though because tumblr if a very peculiar place. but i like it very much so i'm going back there now when i really should be going to sleep, maybe shortly."

- March 12, 2011
"I'll probably mess up my friendship with Josh too."
still afraid of this.
- March 29, 2011, i say i'll go to prom with the wrong guy, which triggers so much nonsense in my head

And now I'm done with this, I mentioned Josh's name 71 times during the month of April, and then May happened it, and now it's now, which is 8:23PM on May 23, 2011.