i'm just so blah. tired. sick of this. sick of my emotions. sick of not knowing what to do. sick of my mind messing me. sick of feeling stressed. sick of building up to something. if someone came to me now and said tomorrow's friday are you ready? I would say yes, yes, yes, let's get it over with. i'm sick of all the build up to one night. seeing all this prom stuff. it's just blah.

i hate having my brain mess me with. it keeps changing its mind. it's like, make it up, stick with it, and stop being stupid. and stop giving me all these emotions through my body. just tell me what to feel, none of this wishy washy unsure stuff. i don't like it. i don't like sitting here and not knowing what i'm feeling.

i also hate wondering. wondering what other people are thinking. wondering why Josh isn't texting me and hasn't at all today. wondering what Adam was thinking when we got ice cream. wondering what my mom thinks. wondering what abby thinks. wondering what everyone is thinking and feeling. it's silly, i should just stop.

i guess all of this is normal teenager stuff. well then, i hate being a teenager. let's just get these years done and over with.

why am i in suck a negative mood? i can make some guesses. i was talking to abby and we didn't talk about anything good or happy. josh isn't texting me back. tomorrow's monday. in five days is the AP test/prom and in six days is the horse show. all i've done today is work on horse show stuff all morning, go to a stupid prom meeting, and do homework.

on the plus side, five people liked my comment on Abby's status. so even if the rest of my life fails at least i know i can write nice comments on facebook. and now josh texts me with "Hii =) Sorry for the late response. whats up?" now i have to decide if i text him back or just go to sleep and give him the cold finger. take a guess as to what i'm going to do, yes i'm going to text him.

is this cool for you to read this? assuming you're reading this a long time after its happened all within a short period of time. meaning a few days ago you picked up this book, or opened this website, and started reading from day one and now you're here. you've seen me go from all different extremes to other extremes. i mean, do you see me developing and growing? i can't really see it, since i'm living in it. but maybe someday i'll be able to. maybe i should start reading my blog back from the beginning and see if i can. nah, i still have two books i need to read for english, no time for me to read my life story. plus, i still haven't read Seventeen Magazine or Teen Vogue and we've had them for a long time. After this week I should have time to do things like read magazines. This paragraph went wayward. But basically, I hope that it's pretty good being able to read this whole finished thing in one passage and seeing how i change and how my relationships with people change. Of course you can't see everything, but I hope I give you enough.