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of May 13, 2011. it's Friday the 13th. i haven't had any real bad luck. my phone didn't die on me when i thought it would. i think josh fell asleep though or he just doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I'm really tired myself but I'm just too lazy and I don't want to get up and go to sleep even though my back is killing me. It's one thing staying up when you stay up late with someone else but when you just have the internet to keep you company it's kind of boring.

um. i'm afraid. of lots of things. i'm afraid to disturb the universe. i'm afraid that i'm pushing people away. i'm afraid that i'm making a lot of mistakes. i'm afraid that all that i think is true actually isn't.

really it doesn't matter because i feel so self dependent, or independent i guess, that my fears don't really matter. i guess that doesn't make sense. but the past few weeks i've had to depend on myself to survive. and i think that's made me more closed or cut off from people. like i'm not reaching out anymore. but i don't really care cause if they want to talk to me then they can. i know that i don't really need them as much as i think i do.

maybe that's all nonsense. who knows. but right now it's 12:01 and it is now Saturday and i feel so alone. maybe it has something to do with the fact that the two people i was texting just suddenly stopped texting me. or maybe that i'm in this big room by myself and it's dark out. or maybe it's because it's my week. or maybe because i'm just a stupid teenage girl and they always feel alone because they think that no one understands them.

i feel silly sometimes. like all that i'm doing is pointless. i don't even know how to explain it. only T.S. Elliot can describe this situation "it is impossible to say just what i mean!" but like my whole friendship with Josh. like the whole school thing. like the little things i do. like this right now it's just pointless.

this is what happens when i'm left alone and i don't want to go to sleep and i've watched all the videos from my subscriptions and tumblr is boring. i'm left with my mind.

now i must tell you to ignore everything i just wrote because i'm just a silly teenage girls and i have different emotions and thoughts every minute so don't take anything i said for the truth, cause it probably is all false. and now it's 12:08 in the morning and i really should go to sleep now.