freaking up, upset, pissed off, mentally deranged.

i am in such a bad mood right now. i was going good all day too until in AP we decided to do some questions just to quiz ourselves and i knew practically none of them. it made me feel stupid and like i'm going to fail this test. then i go to my locker andi tell Abby i'm freaking out and she thinks i'm freaking out over prom, well that too but right now it's mainly the AP test and all of this built up on me. and then she just leaves. and even before Abby leaves, Josh leaves. I'm still at my locker packing up my bag and he just walks out to his car. so then i walk down myself to where i meet Maeve and Maeve's in a bad mood too. she left her binder in Mr. Byrant's room during study hall so we start walking back there and I pass Abby with Stephanie and she might have asked me some question and told me not to freak out, but she didn't stop, she just kept walking away with Stephanie as I'm fuming and freaking out and about to break down. Maeve can't get her binder because the door's locked so then we walk back to the car but Maeve's walking about ten times faster than me so I'm just trailing behind luging my stuff along while i am properly pissed off. then the ride home's just silent the entire way and i'm just fuming. and i'm still fuming now. i am just so freaked out and sick of this. i'm at the point where i just want to sleep through the weekend, forgot about the AP test, prom, and the stupid horse show. actually how about i sleep away the rest of my life so i don't have to deal with people. they can't let me down. i won't have to worry about friendships or relationships, i can just sleep. i swear i'm about to cry any second now. i don't want to do this anymore. i really don't.

but what am i going to do? i'm going to wipe away my tears, which are now here, put on a fake smile and go over to Mollie's house to get my nails done because no matter how much i don't want to do anything i'm going to do it. i really don't want to. i don't want to do the AP test. i don't want to go to prom. i really don't want to go to prom. at all. i don't want to. tears falling freely now, rolling down my checks. i don't want to have to wake up before 6 on saturday and then be the role model and be in charge of that whole show. and it's like no one even cares. i'm just suffering by myself. all this freaking pressure. pressure to do well on the AP test. pressure to look fabulous for prom. pressure to be the kind of person people like. pressure to have the horse show go right, that's all on me. pressure to be a good friend. pressure to do the right things. pressure.

now i have to stop writing in this stupid thing so i can stop crying and leave to go to Mollie's in ten minutes, then come home and study for the rest of my life. this is so stupid. my life is so stupid. i'm so stupid. i just don't want to do this.