day two.

well last night i sort of freaked out. like after i turned off my computer it sort of started. and in the shower. i was just extremely worried and like alksdjflkasjdlf. i was doubting myself to extremes. i was like "what if i don't like him as much as he likes me and not even to be his girlfriend?" and i was worrying that i was going to do something stupid. and i was thinking that i shouldn't have even said yes. but then i thought it over in my head and there is no way i would have changed anything. but yeah last night wasn't fun. actually you know when it started? it started when he said goodnight and added the little heart again. then i sort of freaked out. i don't know. it's like what does the heart even mean? and i thought about including one when i said goodnight first but it felt weird. i know it's a minor detail but that just triggered all the doubts and made me question what i was even doing.

but i don't feel the same now. well actually i'm starting to remember all the feelings from last night and yeah i need to stop that. but today went pretty well. he was waiting with everyone at the lockers and when Jon was going to walk with him to homeroom like they always do Josh was like noo, and i couldn't actually hear what Josh said but I could definitely hear what Jon said. he was like "wait for your girlfriend? you have a girlfriend?" and i think Josh said something about facebook cause then Jon was like "I haven't been on facebook!" (by the way, I'm up to 16 likes and Josh has 9) and then I think Jon congratulated Josh or whatever and then Josh came to talk to me. And I just couldn't help but smile.

I think the reason why it works is because he makes me happy. Just hearing him talk and being near him. like once i was in english i was like, crap, the next time I see him is after fourth period. then during lunch i'm like, one hour left. then just keep checking the clock during spanish. then after that one minute i do get to see him, then i have three periods until i can see him again. i remember after the first period of chemistry thinking, only two periods left. the end of the day is so much better now.

the only small problems now is working out all the small awkwardness things, which i don't even mind. like holding hands and such. whenever i walked with him earlier in the day i just held onto my binders so i couldn't, well i probably could have, but come on give me a little bit here. i ain't used to this. but i did when we walked out to the car but then it's like how do you say bye? hug? kiss? whoa, i know, jumping ahead a bit there. you don't want everything to happen at once because then you have nothing to look forward to. it's like okay we're together now, but then what? there's so much. i have so much to look forward to. other people might not feel the same way though if they were in the same situation. but i get to hold his hand more, figure out when it's appropriate to hug or kiss him, have him come over my house, get to go over his house, invite him to different things, have him come to the barn, have him meet my friends he doesn't know already, i get to meet his friends, do things with his family, go out together. i know it's not all going to happen at once. that's the best part actually. there are all these possibilities and hope that they will happen eventually. figuring out when and how is all part of the fun.

i don't know. it's exciting. it's different. but i'm happy. it's scary too but that's part of it. that's part of the excitement, right?

the reason why i'm writing all of this, is not only to help me get my thoughts in place, but so in case this happens to be published and shared between people, then it might find its way into a teenage girl's hands who is going through the same thing. maybe this will be some comfort to her. to see someone else thinking the same thing she is. also so i can see this years from now and look back and see what i'm thinking. and so i can see my progress. like after i bring my sisters to Circus and do my homework I'm going to go through here and see how I've gone from single Molly to Josh's girlfriend. i want that entire development not only to be available to me but to everyone else just so they can see what it's like to be inside a girl's mind, and hopefully it will help just one person somewhere. if so then this is all worth it.