avoiding doing homework.

i just don't want to do it. so i'm procrastinating. i don't even have anything to say. sorry. this is boring.

i went to the parade this morning which was nice. then the barn was fabulous because my horse is absolutely perfect. we just have to work on our canter transitions but she is so good. she isn't freaked out by anything. she has a great headset and she's so comfortable and responsive and she just stays on the cross-ties and we are going to kick butt this summer. as long as she only improves from now.

alright, i really should do homework. really don't want to.

random pet peeve.

when people correct other people's spelling, especially on facebook. i must admit i used to do it but now i think it is annoying and rude. they made a mistake, big deal. no need to comment with the little * and then the correct spelling. give them a break.

everything went right today.

I have a horse now. Well I haven't bought her yet, but we have her on a week trial. After a few tries getting her on the trailer she got on fine. And when she got to the barn she was so mellow and fine. And I rode her and she was great. And she didn't care that she had to wait on the cross ties until Dvora was done with her horse. And she didn't care when the next door neighbors set off a fire cracker. And seriously she was so good.

And everything went lovely at the Rivards house too. I could just hang out there and listen to Nicole tell us stories all day. I just loved having Josh's arms wrapped around me. I could have fallen asleep in his arms easily. So easily. New life goal. Seeing as my last one has already been accomplished. see April 21st. that took me exactly a month to accomplish.

Alright now I should go to sleep that way when I go to the memorial day parade I won't fall asleep.

the stupid stomach thingy,

he can still do it with one text message.

i'm going to get to go hang out with his family tomorrow. i'm super excited. tomorrow should be fabulous. i get a horse and i get to hang out with my boyfriend.

still getting used to that terminology. but still so excited. i can't tell you how excited i am through this computer.

i think that's all i have to say. i had a super duper lazy day tomorrow, minus the horse judging. umm. oh. if i do go to the memorial day parade on monday and i do see josh tomorrow like i'm planning and we are both at school all week, then in the first 14 days of dating i will have seen him all but 2 days. and if i ask him if he wants to come to the auction and that works out then turn that 14 days into 15. preeeeetty good. but i'm getting ahead of myself.

right now i just want to see him tomorrow.

my eyes are going to fall out.

last night i slept with my contacts in. i'm supposed to take them out every night. i completely forgot to last night. probably around 11:30 i went upstairs to get ready for sleep. i did my normal bathroom stuff, i just never even thought to take out my contacts. and i was texting josh before i fell asleep and it never occurred to me that it was strange that i could see while i was lying in bed. then i woke up in the morning and i was like my eyes hurt and are hard to open, so i thought that i would get dressed first and then put my contacts in and that's when i realized that they were already in. so i took them out and put on my glasses. and my eyes are been tired like all day. well that could be because i went to sleep past midnight then woke up at 6:45 so. but i've been wearing my glasses all day and i look so weird. i think i look better with my contacts.

i'm so tired. i had horse judging practice today which went fine. i'm not doing anything for the rest of the day. my family is going to the pool but i just don't want to do that. so i'll stay home and watch tv and lounge around and do absolutely nothing.

so Josh came over today. and I think it went fairly well. yeah. he came over and first we walked around outside and then played with my dad's iPad and then Maeve and my mom got home and we set up the badminton net and played that and then had dinner and then we went for a walk with Finn and then we played a version of Spoons and then we went to Mt. Toms.

it was only partially awkward at some points but nothing went really wrong. which is fabulous. really fabulous. i haven't really heard any of my family's opinions or Josh's but I'll get those later. but it was very nice.

what was nicer was when we went to go get ice cream and i just got to relax in josh's arms for a bit, i would have been happy if I could have just fallen asleep in his arms. now abby i'm going to get into details that i probably wouldn't have told you, but since you happen to read this, you get to know. but when we went back out to the parking lot I sent maura to the car and walked to the other side of Josh's car and we made out. yep. no big deal. tongue and everything. it was actually kind of gross. but nice at the same time. i was waiting for some sort of emotion to be like exploding from me but that didn't really happen. which is kind of worrying. but at the same time i'm not too worried. but right now i would rather be making out with him. or hugging him. or just kissing him. or just being with him. but i told him not to follow me home.

but yeah i like that kid. i like him a lot.

Hey, happy birthday.

I should have kept track of how many times I told Josh happy birthday today. It was a lot. But this is the only day that I can say it to him! Well, I could say it every other day but it wouldn't work cause it won't be his birthday. I hope he had a nice day at school though. And I hope he likes his gifts, I'll text him later asking him.

Yeah today I was supposed to talk to him about the stuff that I wrote about yesterday but when I had the chance it seemed so irrelevant by then. It didn't seem like a problem anymore and like it would be pointless bringing it up now.

So I'm happy now. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I think it should be good. I trust that my family won't be stupid. If they are then I will punch them.

I'm trying to think of something else to say but today just went well. I don't have anything to complain about. That's weird. I always have something. Nope. Don't wanna go there. I just wanna stay happy.

more relationship thingys

my dad gave me a lovely talk today. he was telling me how i can't let all my time be taken up by my boyfriend. and how he doesn't mind that i have a boyfriend, it's just the fact that i could get hurt. and how emotions hurt a lot more than being hit on the head. and how the chances of a first relationship leading to marriage is very very slim and how most marriages end up in divorce and how i need to stay realistic. and how he just doesn't want me to get hurt. and if Josh hurts me than he'll kill him.

and i agree with my dad. completely. i don't think I'm going to marry Josh. is there a chance? yep. but there's a bigger chance i won't. but i'm not looking that far ahead. my goal is to just take it one day at a time. And Abby, if I start becoming one of those obsessed girlfriends please tell me to stop immediately because i'll just end up hurting myself.

and Abby thank you for letting me ask you all these questions and talk to you about this stuff. because we sort of need to. it's like topics are shunned from normal conversation. relationships are supposed to be kept to yourself and quiet. but i can't do that, i need help from people and such. i mean even just talking about kissing in those last two posts is a bit of a gasp. because you don't talk about stuff like that. people just don't. it's acceptable but you don't talk about it. which is stupid. so if you want to talk to me about something Abby please do. about anything. i don't care if you change your mind a day later and everything you said is suddenly invalid because i do that a lot.

i doubt and question myself a lot. about everything. like i question my feelings. like "am i feeling what i'm supposed to feel?" do you know what i mean? and then i question my questioning. like if i really felt a certain way then i wouldn't be questioning it. but that's stupid because that's what i do, question and think. i challenge everything. i wish you could know what i'm thinking sometimes because it's kind of interesting. but i'll give you a paragraph of some of the questions and such that i think. don't take me seriously because that's what i do, question.

are we going too fast? too slow? am i doing the whole thing right? should i be doing something different? do i really like him more than a friend?

but then some of those i can answer right away. it doesn't matter if we're moving "fast" or "slow" as long as we're happy with where we're at or whatever. and there isn't a right or wrong. i just have to be myself and everything will work out. and i don't need to do anything different, i'm figure it out, it will come. and i do. i trust him more than all but one of my friends. i want to hold his hand all the time. i can't help but smile when i see him. i never want to leave when i'm with him. and if you compare that to my other friends. when i went out with Adam, i wanted to leave so i left and we never touched each other and i never wanted to touch him. i've told Josh things that I haven't told Katelyn, lots of things actually.

and for me the deciding thing that makes all the questions irrelevant is i'm happy. happy happy. i'm happy texting him. i'm happier when i'm with him. i'm even happier when i'm talking to him. and that's all that really matters to me right now.

and i think i have hit the end of the post. actually no. Abby is it weird that I'm curious as to what Josh and Avarie's relationship was like but at the same time I don't want to know at all?

aww Maura just did the cutest thing ever. she made Josh a birthday card. it has a saxophone on the front and the inside is like a music staff with "Happy Birthday" like musical notes. Maura's the greatest ever. Okay now I'm done.

hashbrowns & milk.

so now i need to tell you how the rest of my day went seeing as i posted that in the middle of the day. the rest of my day was good. i saw Josh at the end of lunch because our lunch schedule is all messed up because of senior finals. and then at the end of the day i was staying after for a Spain meeting so I walked out to the car with Josh and kissed him bye there which was just nice. and he didn't seem bothered at all by the fact that i didn't kiss him earlier. thank goodness. oh thank goodness josh is who he is. well if he wasn't then i wouldn't be dating him. so i'm not worried about that anymore. if i kiss him i do, if i don't, i don't. but i probably will. but there you go, see how silly i make things in my mind, which is part of the reason why i need Josh because he doesn't do that.

tomorrow's his birthday and i have the CD all set, I just want to write him a card/letter, and get my book ready. i hope he appreciates that i'm giving him that book to read, i'll make sure i include that in the letter. and then after tomorrow is friday when he comes over, which i'm so excited about. but that means the house will have to be cleaned. i won't even mind cleaning that much since it's Josh coming over.

Katelyn's probably pissed at me. because she was saying how she is trying to figure out how much money to bring for merch for the Glee tour and I was like, my parents will pay for it, you get your season pass to Six Flags or tickets to the other concerts you want to go to. and she was trying to fight me on that and then she gave up because she realized she wouldn't win. but then on her tumblr today she posts:
"So looking forward to going to school tomorrow -__-
Lol no.
I hate everyone there.
Rich bitches everywhere."
So how many people think these "rich bitches" are referring to me? Katelyn just annoys me so much. She says she doesn't care if i die. I get chemicals on me and she just says "oh well" and she treats me like crap. She's lucky I'm still her friend cause I really don't need her and her comments anymore. I'm sorry that my life makes her feel worse about hers, but that doesn't mean she has to make comments about me being "Helen Keller" when i got contacts, making some comment when i was hugging Josh like "keep it your pants," and not appreciating me bringing her to the Glee concert. writing this I'm wondering why the hell I'm still friends with her. next year, no way.

but i'm still in a good mood. i just have to forget about Katelyn, think about Josh and my friends who actually care about me, listen to my playlist i made for Josh, and I'm good.

Hi. I'm in study hall right now. I can't do this. I did my spanish article but I can't focus on research. I'm going to be stressed out doing research later because I don't have nearly enough sources. I have like a few links. So I really need to do some but I can't. I don't have any concentration or motivation. Instead I'm just messing up my life. Well not really. Well kind of. I don't know. I'll tell you. So Josh and I held hand up to english but when we got to english class he tried to kiss me and I sort of just pushed through him and was like uhhh no. I don't know why. I sort of panicked. I'm not used to this whole being a girlfriend thing. It's weird. It's overwhelming too. I guess I wasn't comfortable kissing him right there in front of everyone in the hallway and everyone in my classroom that could see. I feel so bad now though. Especially since last night I was telling him what was happening in Glee and I was freaking out over how Rachel wouldn't let Finn kiss him and how they just needed to get together and how they were both stupid but then how it ended up they did get together and ladida. Then I don't let him kiss me. I'm sorry. It's not like I don't like him or I don't want to kiss him. It's just. Ah too fast. I'm just a little kid. I'm not used to having a boyfriend and the whole couple stuff. Josh has had a girlfriend before, so he's probably ready to just go back to the high points of his old relationship. Yeahhh it's going to take me a bit to get there. I still feel like I'm doing things wrong or messing stuff up. Like I'm trying but I'm not trying hard enough. Like I'm not living up to the expectations. I'm just falling flat on my face and looking like a fool doing it. Blah. And I'm getting myself all nervous and worked up wondering what he's thinking and how I'm going to tell him all of this.

Ahhh, I'll figure it out though, right?

I give CDs as birthday presents.

These songs will be on a CD for Josh that I will give him on Thursday.


Secrets - OneRepublic
Uncharted - Sara Bareilles
Oh, La - Ra Ra Riot
Friday - Rebecca Black
All Those Pretty Lights - Andrew Belle
Moment 4 Life - Nicki Minaj & Drake
All About Us - He Is We & Aaron Gillespie
Internet Killed The Video Star - The Limousines
Breathe In Breathe Out - Mat Kearney
I Will Follow You Into the Dark - Death Cab for Cutie
Wotless - KES The Band
Stolen - Dashboard Confessional
Somewhere Only We Know - Glee Cast
Walking On Air -Kerli
Oh Darling (feat. Cady Groves) - Plug In Stereo
Super Bass - Nicki Minaj
Hey Molly - Mike Lombardo

response to Abby's note.

This is a response to the note Abby wrote me, some of it won't make sense to you if you aren't Abby but I think for the most part it will.

Good luck with your senior play! I think it will be amazing too! Jon was talking to Peter about it and how it is a "group effort" and how Jayna and Devin are directing, you're doing costumes and stage stuff, and Jon is "acting and the acting coach and everything else." Well there's that.

And Josh told me nothing. Not even that you guys talked. So naturally I'm super curious.

Don't blame yourself. If ever I'm upset for whatever it's usually because of me and my reactions to things. But I'll let you know. Or just check here and you're fine.

You'll make it through this week fine! Only three school days left. Ohhh which reminds me, Thursday is our boyfriends' birthday. Which I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. Telllll me, you've already done this two times before.

And Abby I know that you are worried about your sisters but you have to worry about yourself too and what's going to be best for you.

And that's all to your note, anything else I add is just random stuff.

Um. Day...how many days has it been? See, I'm already forgetting. Three. Anyways you know it's coming along. We're still sort of figuring each other out and how to act. Well I am at least. It's different and new. You know that. Today during history we were watching a movie and I could not pay attention to it, it was so incredibly boring. So instead I figured out how many seconds I had until school was over and I got to see Josh again. Anyways. I think that's all. I should do some homework stuff and then I have 4H later that I don't want to go to. I have to do stuff for that too.

Alright boring day so far, honestly I did nothing all day. It was so boring I don't even want to go through it. Now I think I'm done we'll see what happens later that might want me to post again, and then maybe again, and who knows maybe even again.

better mood.

This is just all so new to me. These emotions, feelings, thoughts. Like I never knew that you could still think you smell someone after you haven't seen them in almost 7 hours. Maybe that's just weird. But he smells so good! XD

Yep, I'm in a better mood now. It's just a roller coaster. But I still mean what I said in the first post of today. That I'm excited for it. Even though I doubt myself so much sometimes, I'm ready and excited. And even if I complain, I know it's all part of it, and I'm not really complaining, just stating thoughts and feelings. Difference!

But thank you Abby so much. For so many reasons. Mostly for just being such an amazing friend. I would be sooooo lost without you. And also it's sort of your doing that Josh and I are together. Not completely but I see the influence, by calling him my "future boyfriend" back in December before I even started texting him. Or maybe you could just see the two of us so well and knew that it would work. But I just owe so much to you, thank you thank you.

So let's bring on tomorrow and see how wonderful it is.

Emotional wreck?

Why yes.
It was bound to happen sooner or later seeing as the weekend went so smoothly.

just so many emotions. freaking out.

i interrupt my previous post at January 28 because I can't focus on that anymore and I need to write this.

Seriously Abby? You decided to call me? I don't know how that went down but come on. I could hear Josh sort of okay and probably could have if I went over to door but yeahh didn't want to do that. Not with my mom and sisters right there. They would have seen me freak out because it's hard freaking enough talking on the phone without adding in the factor that you're talking to the guy who you just freaking told you like a lot.

Then let's add this in, after I hang up, Josh texts me from Abby's phone cause his died and says "Hi this is Josh XD My phone just died. And do you know Molly? Shes absolutely amazing and beautiful, and I enjoy being with her very much" and I am about this close to dying like Josh's phone. Do you know how hard it is for me to hear something like that and believe it? I don't think I even really do.

This is too much for Molly. Don't overload her. Please.

from single Molly to Josh's girlfriend.

before 8th grade - saw him at a few horse shows
8th grade - his first year at HRHS. algebra. i sat in the middle row two seats from the back. Josh sat two rows over to the right in the back corner. typical 8th grade crush. i don't think i ever actually talked to him.
summer between 8th and 9th grade - Maeve beat him at regionals, she got champion and he got reserve
9th grade - history class. crush on and off.
- first mention in my blog on February 4, 2009:

"lunch was interesting. John and Josh sat with us. it was not that good. i don't think they will ever sit with us again. which is probably for the better. so yeah. it was kind of awkward and well i just sort of want it to go back to how it was...1st quarter. except that Abby didn't sit with us then."

- discussed again on March 31, 2009 when he was with our group during the fire drill that wasn't a fire drill
- April 1st 2009, worked on project with him and discussed history class

"so guess what i did today? made a complete fool of myself. YAYYYYYYY! how you may ask? history. stupid history. normally i love that class. I like Mr. Touchette, the work isn't that hard, Stephanie and Abby are in it along with JonJay and Josh which makes it entertaining not to mention we all sit next to each other, and i like the atmosphere of the class most of the time."

- May 29, 2009

"so today at the end of history we were able to just talk. and well our "clique" which is equal to Abby, Stephanie, Josh, and Jonathon were all talking. but i felt left out of course. i didn't know what to say. i felt out of place. not that it is a new feeling."

summer between 9th and 10th grade - i believe that when I skipped out on the beach on July 29, 2009 he was there but other that no mention
10th grade - he was dating Avarie and I barely even thought about him
- September 11, 2009 when I had a crush on Sawyer and Josh was in my english class

"english Friend worked with Heather, Jon, and Josh on a sentence pattern thingy which was fine cause i'm too far away to ask him to work with him without getting up out of my seat and making a big deal out it, plus Katelyn would have killed me and i don't like having her in my english class too much but i'll deal"

- April 6, 2010 (notice the big jump) when I had a crush on Ryan, the next-door neighbor

"i'm scared of a lot of things. nervous. apprehensive. you know. which is why when Abby suggested that she get me and Ryan together in some sort of group since Josh and Colin know him and she has heard he is very nice. i instantly said no. what did she expect me to say?"

- August 11, 2010 (notice the big time jump again) he actually comes back in the picture when he sits next to me at bowling

"you know before when i would complain about how i wanted there to just be a boy. now i have two. sort of. and hey at bowling Josh sat next to me. he could have sat wherever he wanted to but he sat next to me. made me feel pretty darn good."

- August 12, 2010

"do you remember back in ninth grade when I worried about boys all the time? i did the whole obsess thing. i did it on Matt Cabral and then i did a bit on Josh Rivard as well. so i have completely pushed Matt out of my head but hey all because I liked him before then didn't again doesn't mean that Josh is out of the picture, he sat next to me at bowling and helped me when my brain didn't function properly while adding.
i guess this blog was sort of pointless because all i can do is wait and slowly weave my relationships with them. not like "a relationship" but the other definition. just by existing and talking to them and being there i guess. just get through another day and see what that brings."

(haha, look Molly, you're actually in a relationship with him)
- Whoaoaoa, I went from not mentioning him at all in September to mentioning him 20 times in October, so here we go
- October 11, 2010

"who would i invite? Abby, (hi Abby), and probably Colin which would bring about Josh and Nicole. I always wanted to be better friends with them but that has never worked out."

- On October 12, 2010 was when the seed was really planted, Abby you should just go back and read that whole post.

"Abby sent me a text last night which i got this morning stating this: "I know you wont respond to this tonight, unless you are up, but were you ever at all interested in josh?" to which i was like "what? yes." so the answer to her question is definitely yes. ever since he came to this school in eighth grade and was in my algebra class. yeah i am that precise. but then he started dating Avarie and i sort of stopped paying attention to him and i didn't have any classes with him. but i guess i didn't completely stop paying attention to him as you can see in my last post when i mentioned him. and when we went bowling and how i mentioned how i liked that he sat next to me."

"but now i think Abby sort of wants to know what i think now. right? the thing is i am not really sure. it is definitely a possibility. but i would like to get to know him better cause i can't say any more than that right now. you know how i am about getting to know someone or what not. it would be nice just to have him as a friend if nothing else ever worked out. but now it is sort of awkward. like even today at the PSAT write-your-name-and-fill-in-the-bubbles thing i wasn't sure what to say or how to act around him and it was like i was nervous about what to say or do because i wanted to make a good impression or whatever. i guess that is a good thing? or it means that if i can't be myself around him then it will never be more than an awkward 'hi, how are you? good.'"

"so Abby go ahead with whatever scheming you are doing. just know that i will most likely feeling nervous, but a good sort of nervous, and i am afraid that i will blow whatever chance i have. and i won't know what to say and i will be extremely self-conscious. even more so now that i know there is a chance that he could actually like me and thinks about me when i am not standing right in front of him...i am not sure. especially since i don't know him and i am not sure if i even like him. i like the idea of him more than the actually person currently. but maybe that could change."

(ohhohoh, look at that it did change)
- overthinking on October 13, 2010

"i'm more concerned with Josh and Adam. funny how that happens. earlier this week i barely paid attention to Josh. well i would see him and sort of acknowledge him but i didn't think that he thought about me so just went on. now it's like "oh. there could be something here." and i'm not sure if i like that. because it gets me thinking too much and worried too much and acting differently and yeah. but whatever...nd i don't even know what is up with Josh, Abby just has my mind all freaked out. and i'm not upset or angry about that. but i just don't want to do something stupid and that want will probably make me do something stupid. it's like i want to know where i stand and i want to make progress towards some kind of relationship (remember relationship can be friends or enemies, not just bf/gf). why don't they talk to me? in the case of Adam it is either because he doesn't have the confidence or he doesn't want to. in the case of Josh probably because we have never really talked before so why start now? old habits are hard to break..."
"oh and then i made a bit of a fool of myself sixth period. i went down to Mr. Dewitt's classroom to makeup a test and he has a study hall. oh guess who is in that study hall. Josh. ha. he was sitting in the back corner. Mr. Dewitt gives me the test and i can sit wherever i want. maybe it would have been smart to just sit in the front but i was sort of used to going to the back to stay out of the way of the class but hey it's a study hall so that was stupid thinking. so i ended up in the back next to Josh which was just silly of me. he was on his laptop the whole time and then put his head down on his desk and probably fell asleep while i was gong through this horrible AP test. either he was like "oh great here comes this girl", he didn't even notice, or he appreciated my presence. i vote one of the first two. i should of sat next to Mollie."

- October 15, 2010, thinking too much again

"so. Abby i want you to "set me up" or whatever. why? because i'm too afraid to do it myself. and because if abby thinks it could work then there is a good possibility something could work out. but even beyond that. if it doesn't work out at. i wouldn't be mad or upset at abby. i need to have things not work out or a "broken heart" because i have no experience. well i don't have any experience having my heart together...or whatever the opposite of a broken heart is. so that might be nice too. but i am getting way too ahead of myself. so i need to step back. and that is what i am going to do. i may not mention or say anything but i am paying attention. i will notice every time he is in the same area of me. and yes that is because of you abby. but hey there has to be some reason doesn't there?...but at the same time it's not that big of a deal. it just seems like it now because i'm talking about it. i would be perfectly fine if i never talked to josh again in my life. that's the truth. really. but i could be better than perfectly fine if i did talk to him. "could be". i don't know....
[later]i want a relationship to just happen. i don't want it to be forced. i want it to be spontaneous. i want to be surprised at how well we get along together."

(would you look at that, now i would not be perfectly fine if i never talked to josh again, and look at that i was, and still am, surprised at how long we get along together)
- October 24, 2010 i stopped thinking so much

"i have to go to school tomorrow. i don't want to. i just want to stop trying. but i will keep on going. tomorrow i will wake up at 6:30 and get ready for school. i will go to each class. i will do what i am supposed to. i will pass by Josh and Adam in the hallways and wonder what they thinking. i will deal with Steven on this project. i will smile and try to act positive. i will try to look good. i will walk through the hallways pretending that i have some confidence. i will do it. i just don't want to."

- October 27, 2010

"i was getting my stuff from my locker at the end of school and i stood up straight and i happened to look to my right and Josh was looking at me. or maybe he just happened to be looking at that way too. but there was that second where we were both looking at each other and i knew he must have thought about me for that one second and i was wondering what he was thinking. then i looked away. i am pretty sure i looked away first unless it was at the same time. for a while i tried not to look away but i sort of forgot about that. but yeah. it was just weird."

- November 11, 2010 the all-night skate, what was I thinking? oh wait, i know.

"My favorite part? I have two actually...Second was just sitting at the table with Abby and Josh. I was overtired so I was completely out of it and I probably didn't make much sense or contribute in a good way to the conversation but it was nice. Because you don't get to do that in school. You can just sit down and talk because you always feel like you have something else you should be doing, or you actually do. Or you never get the chance because you don't have class with them or whatever. At the same time that was nice though it was kind of awkward. Josh and I didn't look at each other when we were speaking to each other which Abby called us out on. But at least we were talking to each other jeez. (:"
"Yes I am glad that Josh sat next to me and all but you missed that whole exchange. Mike was the one who told Josh to sit there. I moved over and all and I think Mike was going to sit on the opposite side and Josh started sitting at a different table and Mike told him to sit there. And then he sat there for the rest of the night whether I was sitting next to him or not. I think Josh is really nice. End of sentence, I'm not adding a "but" to that last sentence. I'm not dying to go out with him either. Because it is still really awkward. As our table decided to have to know someone before you can date them."
"So let me wrap this up by saying that right now I should be writing a letter for a soldier or reading history and I am glad I went to all-night skate. If nothing else I had fun. If more than that I was able to get to know Josh more. If more than that it was freaking awesome."

- November 16, 2010

"i could write about how i walked behind Josh in the hallway after english and i didn't say anything even though i should of. later i thought that i could have asked him about horse judging. but whatever yo."

- November 29, 2010 Josh wants to read my story, which I completely forgot about until now. Ohhh, that could be a good birthday present actually, letting him read that story even though I don't like it at all. But anyways on this day I can't open my locker in front of Josh, then Abby makes Josh give me my stuff that I gave to her. Then Abby says "you're going to have another encounter with Josh today" which I can't stop stop thinking about and now I'll give you some direct quotes

"but then later when Colin was off talking to someone i asked Abby what she meant earlier during homeroom because even a math class couldn't keep me from thinking about it. and she was all like (okay i'm going to stop saying that now) "i meant, he should have an encounter with you" which means they were talking about me. score! right? i don't know. and then we had a conversation where i figured out that for some strange bizarre (that's one of our vocab words this week) reason he wants to read my book. i sigh just at the mention of my book because it is complete crap. honestly."
"but the awfulness of my story is beside the point, the point is, or points are, 1. Why would Josh want to read this story? 2. How does he know about this story? I mean, it's not a secret, but I don't broadcast it either. 3. I was the topic of discussion at one point 4. Abby wasn't supposed to tell me something, which I'm not sure what exactly that is - meaning I don't know if the whole "he wants to read my story" deal was what she wasn't supposed to say. 5. I was going to give Abby my story to read first because I'll let her read anything I write even if it is as awful as this story is, and then she would give it to him. But I am thinking of making him ask me. Because if he asks me there is no way I can say no because he actually talked to me. -gasp- 6. I am not sure what this whole thing means. Back to point number one."
"I also want to know people's motives or why things are. I like to feel like I am in control. But I may have to give that up some. I tried to. I said to myself "Okay I am going to back off the whole Josh thing and see where things go" and that worked up until something happen then I ran to my blog to write about it."

- December 3, 2010

"- i'm going to give people the opportunity to start a conversation with me by saying something. like i'll give Josh the chance to ask me if he can read my book instead of just waiting."

- December 7, 2010

"i forgot to mention earlier. today when i was walking up the stairs to english all three of the guys that i am supposed to be talking to were walking in front of me. seriously. you had Josh right in front of me and right in front of him was Joey and in front of him was Adam. if everyone spread out their arms we would have made a chain, we were so close."

- December 10, 2010

"So sorry those were so short. I would rather talk about improvisketchologues. Best parts: 1. finding out Josh was going to be there...Worse parts: 1. Not saying anything to Josh because I'm a chicken."

- December 23, 2010

"today was the last day of school before vacation. it went very well. i was in a good mood all day and the AP test went well and i am wearing a fabulous necklace right now and it's all just fabulous. this morning before i was leaving to go to school i got a text from Abby saying "Dear molly. please bring your book to school today. :) and bring you too. Love abby" so i was like okay dokay. knowing that it probably had something to do with josh since you know that story. and i asked her why during homeroom but she "because" and i just accepted that answer. but it turns out i brought it back home with me today without even taking it out of my bag! -_- if you want to read the stupid book then just ask me. i don't bite. honestly. but i can say that yet i won't talk to him. my excuse is that i don't have anything to talk to him about. DARN IT. I JUST REMEMBERED NOW THAT I COULD HAVE ASKED HIM ABOUT THE CONCERT. DAMN IT. yes i did just swear. that is how frustrated i am right now. but you wouldn't be able to tell by looking at me. my expression hasn't changed since i started writing this. my mother and sister are sitting at the table right now and they have no clue. but yeah i had said to myself last night that i should ask him and i just like yeah okay i will. AND THEN I FORGOT UNTIL NOW. and i legit forgot. it wasn't like i remembered and was like "i don't wanna" i really FORGOT AGHAGHAGAHHHH. missed my chance. damn it. yes i just swore again."

- December 24, 2010

"at one point when i came back from bowling Abby was talking to Nicole and Abby said "her future boyfriend" and it was obvious they were talking about me so i was like, "what was that abby, i couldn't quite here you." and Nicole said, "i think she said 'future boyfriend'" and i was like "nah it sounded more like 'funny pickles'" but you see if i was thinking straight i would have said something like "me? boyfriend? nahh" and then they would have come back with something and i would have known what they were saying. because i am like that. i always like to know what is going on. even when i'm driving. i don't like not being able to see far ahead and i like to know what way i am going in advance.
but that was very nice. i am excited for wednesday. if it happens. then that will be me, abby, nicole, josh, colin, and jayna. even if josh wasn't going i would be excited to spend time with nicole and abby and jayna. i never see jayna. but i wonder how it will work out with the six of us. last time we all went bowling Mollie and Katelyn were also there. and then the last time it was just me, Abby, and Nicole. and then at all night skating it was me, Abby, and Josh talking for a part, then Colin, Mike, and Katelyn were also there for part of it. but we shall find out."

(jeez, how long were you guys planning on Josh and me getting together eventually?)
- December 26, 2010 this is from when I was talking about Katelyn but I also included a quality picture that day

"and things she says sometimes annoys me. and sometimes i feel like i can't really by myself around her. like i don't want her to be around when i talk to Josh, or even make new friends. it's weird."

- December 29, 2010 so this is the day when it really started happening, when we started...texting. XD

"and at one point abby stole both mine and josh's phone and put each others numbers in the other's phone. and then i sent him a random text message like i was sending to everyone else. and we started talking. and it was fabulous yo. see even if we can't talk in person we can talk through a cell phone. but we did talk in person too. we were able to make fun of abby. and tell corny jokes. it was all good. :D
...and then his phone died. but AAAHHHHHHHH OH MY GOD. I TEXTED A GUY AND I AKED HIM TO TEXT ME TOMORROW AND HE SAID "SURE THING" AHHHHHHHH. i am smiling so much right now. so happy. goodness. i really can't believe this. ah. maybe it will actually work out. we will see tomorrow if he texts me. abby says he will and that he told her that he wants to text me. and now i need to calm down.
i am gaining a friend. a nice friend. i need more friends. that's all. he is just a friend. and i am so okay with that. if having him as a friend means i get to feel like this every time i'm with him and afterwards. sure thing, let's be friends.
okay. i am just happy. so happy. and it is wonderful. and i'm listening to taylor swift. and it is wonderful. maybe i should go to sleep now so i can wake up in the morning and see if he texted me. but nah. i can't get that built up on a text message. because who knows what that text message will mean to him. maybe not as much as to me. but i'm okay with that honestly. ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhappy."

- December 30, 2010 the first post of the day

"i don't have any more text messages to share with you but i'm not worried. i may later. it is still early for teenagers to be awake. but my phone hasn't left my side yet today.
but apart from the whole Josh thing, i love Nicole. much more than i thought i would. she is just so sweet and great and wonderful. seriously. why the heck haven't i been friends with her since 8th grade? OH RIGHT cause i'm a loser and too shy to talk to people. but she probably made my night with the whole "OMG I'M SITTING NEXT TO MOLLY!" it makes me smile thinking about it. she is just a wonderful person. maybe i'll text her a bit later. who knows. i don't really have anything to say to her...ah. i need to do homework. jeez school. i wonder how that will change things between me and josh and nicole. well i never see Nicole, literally, so probably nothing. but then i do see josh. maybe if he texts me i'll tell him that he has to say hi to me every time he sees me in the hall. but maybe not i don't know. i am not going to worry or build anything up. if i have no expectations then i can't be disappointed, right?"

- December 30, 2010 the second post of the day

"SO. after barley getting any sleep last night because i kept waking up to see if it was tomorrow yet. and then waking up at like 8, the earliest this vacation, and not being able to go back to sleep. and then waiting all day for a text message from him. checking my phone all the time even when i knew no one had texted. he finally texted me. and it made me smile a lot. and i am currently still texting him. i have to think that he must want to talk to me too or else he would have stopped by now. but here is the conversation both for my personal records and for those people who want to read it. i guess if we text like this more often i won't be able to put all our conversations up here because they will be too long but hey we'll take it one day at a time and today i am going to write out every word from the past four hours. this will be hard though because i am currently texting him, Nicole, and Abby so i am going to be interrupted often. but here i go."

(and if you go back and read that text message exchange (which i did), there are references to when I was confused about his =) which he mentioned not the most recent Friday, but the Friday before that, I'm surprised that he still remembered)
- December 31, 2010
"i was up until 11:30 texting Josh. yeah. we texted pretty much consistently for six hours. do people normally do that? well abby and i text back and forth all the time but you know it isn't really one continuous conversation. and i text dana sometimes but not that often, only when we have something we actually have to say. we don't just text about really nothing, which josh and i pretty much did...but at the same time i can't have a friendship solely through text messages. seriously. if we can't talk in person then yeah. but i think the text messages help. and until monday, when i'll see him next, i'll continue to text him. i'll text him later in the day since he made me wait until 5 yesterday."

"the big question is does he actually want to talk to me or is he just being nice? well lets see each side. for he actually wants to talk to me: 1. he texted me first. 2. he kept responding in a reasonable time. 3. if it took him a while to respond he said why. 4. he asked me questions 5. it seemed like he liked texting back and forth 6. the reason why we stopped texted was because he said he had to go to sleep because he gets up late enough already 7. he said we will have to continue our conversation tomorrow. for he is just being nice: 1. i sounded like a fool often 2. he never actually asked for my number 3. i asked him to text me (but he did, he didn't have to) SO i guess it sounds like he actually wanted to text me. alright then.
so let me sum this up. texting josh makes me happy. but i am not too excited about this because i need to actually talk to him. i am going to have to figure out a way to slowly ease him into conversation because listen to this. i was in the car with maeve and my mom and maeve asked who i was texting i said i was texting Nicole. and she said oh tell her i said hi. and then she said "remember when i beat her brother all the time at riding?" and i was like "yeah, i just went bowling with him yesterday" then there was an awkward sort of silence. and then i asked maeve if she had anything else she wanted to say to Nicole. and that was it. maybe it was only an uncomfortable silence to me. but hey i went to Danny's birthday party and my mom was okay with that. so i just have to ease my family into this, IF this turns into anything. it may not. so i can't get too freaked out yet. so yeah. until then i am happy just texting him. and then we'll see how it goes one day at a time."

2011
- January 1, 2011 first post, talking about the New Year Eve party at Katelyn's

"part of the reason why i didn't mind the party was because i wasn't completely there the whole time. i was the rude person on their cell phone. i really don't care what they thought of me and my cellphone. cause i had a nice conversation with josh thank you very much. i started texting him around 4 something for a little bit then he had to go eat. and then he came back and said he was working on his project and that his phone might die but he thought he had an hour. and then i didn't hear back from him for a long while. he said his phone died sooner than he thought but he recharged it some. fabulous. and then we texted back and forth until almost 2 in the morning when he went to sleep. but i was stuck awake for another two hours! yipppeee!
but i think he actually does want to text me. because when he started watching Despicable Me i told him to feel free to stop texting me to watch the movie but he said he could watch the movie and talk to me at the same time. and then i was saying how i needed to find an outlet because my phone was dying. and he said yeah, definitely don't want it to die. and then i said (i don't know what i was thinking, it was 1 in the morning) "you would miss me texting you too much if my phone died. but now i'm plugged in." and he said "True, I would miss texting you too much" ahhhhhhh. (: then i said that i would miss texting him too. and he called me super duper. ha. well that was also partially my doing. i might as well tell that story too. new paragraph."
"okay that's all wonderful and all but it can't be that fabulous right? well for one i haven't really talked to him a lot in person. which concerns me. but monday. i'll walk with him to english class. i don't know what we will talk about. his history project. despicable me (which i spoiled for him. >.<). and we still have two more days to come up with things to talk about in person via text. but it is going to be weird. since i've been talking to him a whole bunch but i haven't actually seen him. that is probably my major concern currently."

- January 1, 2011 second post

"now the only reason i don't want to go on vacation would be because i wouldn't be able to text josh. but i think i'm getting ahead of myself there. we'll see where we stand with that in three weeks. i can't imagine we'll continue texting each other this much then. because already i'm not hanging on the phone as much. sure i still am. but not as much. i took a three hour nap up in my room today and i left my phone downstairs. see? i'm getting better. i wish you could hear the tone of voice i'm thinking all of this. because you probably don't get what i'm actually saying. that's part of the challenge of being a writer though."
"thank goodness i can text josh and not worry about it. see how my life has changed so much? before i was moping about who knows what and then now all i talk about in this blog is texting josh, texting josh, texting josh. ahh. and nope my family still doesn't know. i wish i had said something in the car, i could have just said that i was texting abby, nicole, and josh. and they probably wouldn't have said anything. oh welll. maybe i'll have another chance eventually. of course i will. it's not like it's a big secret. i am just sort of scared. because this is the first time anything like this has happened, you know? none of my sisters have friends who are guys. you mention a guy at our dinner table and my father makes some sort of comment about if we have a crush on him or something. well my father is in for a surprise then.
but then again i'm getting ahead of myself. you see i'm not an irrational teenager. i don't think i am going to marry him because i've sent him a few texts (cough, cough, a few? how about 180?). sure i'm thinking about boyfriend girlfriend dating stuff but that's realistic. i'm thinking about being friends. i'm not changing my everyday life to conform to his texts. i still did homework. i took a nap even though he could have texted me at any second. i still ate dinner with my family. i'm not hiding up in my room texting him. i'm right smack dap in the middle of the kitchen. i'm not looking too far ahead. i'm taking it one day at a time. today? i'm going to text him until i want to go sleep. which might end up being soon. cause i'm tired. i'm not squealing and going crazy. yes, i do that little jumping thing/belly flop almost every time he texts me but that's reasonable too, mostly because i can't control that - that's emotions and chemicals and whatever else that is. i'm not obsessing. i think i'm being reasonable. right?"

- January 2, 2011

"I should be sleeping now:
why am i not?
because i told Josh not to text me until he finished his project. and he said he would text me when he finished. and he hasn't texted me yet. and i would feel like a jerk if i went to sleep now. but hopefully he was able to finish his project a little bit quicker and will be able to go to sleep earlier than if i kept interrupting him with text messages.
i am thinking i'll just send him a message saying that i'm going to go to sleep and i'll see him tomorrow.
but yeah. smart idea molly. not."

- January 5, 2011

"let's start at the beginning. we were almost late to school, like five seconds not late. because of my mother. we were waiting in the car for her. so i didn't see josh in the morning. and he walks too fast to english class. i swear before every time that i didn't want to talk to him we ended up walking next to each other. but then when i do want to talk to him, he's nowhere in sight. but that is just how it works."

then discussing my Pride situation

"i didn't start crying about it until i told josh that i was selling my horse and he asked why and i told him and he responded and all. it wasn't what he said really it was just that i kind of hit me that yeah, i'm selling my horse. and it wasn't like i started sobbing. just a few tears but i'm fine now. sort of. i don't think i will be perfectly fine for a while...but on the upside i guess telling josh about pride is...good? right? i'm not too worried about josh though. i'll take it as it comes. each day. i'm not going to overanalyze it. i have other things to worry about. if we're meant to be friends then it will happen. even so i still have my phone on my belly so i can see right away when i have a text. and i'm lying down in my bed so that's possible. well my laptop in my on belly and knees and my phone is on my ribcage. anyways....i think i'm done. i'm tired. i should sleep but i want to keep texting josh and abby. so i'm not going to. i'll just be tired tomorrow. i can sleep on vacation."

- January 9, 2011, the first out of four posts

"so the plan yesterday was for me and abby to meet up with Colin, Josh, and Nicole, see a movie, get some dinner, and hang out in Northampton. when i told my mother she was said "so is it like a double date with Nicole?" and i said "I guess you could call it that" and then she proceeded to say "or is it more like a group outing" and i said "more like that." but then what happens when Nicole doesn't show up? and you end up sitting in the Josh for the entire movie and at dinner? i don't think so."
"so heres the next thing i guess. where do josh and i stand? well ever since i got his number we have texted every night. every night we say good night to each other and i will wait until i get the goodnight text back before i go to sleep. throughout the whole night he followed me around through the stores and walked next to me and such. at school we talk when we can but a lot of the time we don't know what to say or whatever. we are already planning to do some other stuff together. and when i go away we decided that we would email each other and give each other updates.
i'm not going to be vague because i can't do that right now. i need to figure out my thoughts. the big question is friends or more than friends? right now the answer that jumps to my mind right away is friends. after last night that answer is clearer. is it possible in the future to be more than friends? sure it's possible but that doesn't mean its going to happen. we still couldn't really have a conversation together without abby. and i wasn't nervous. i'm not sure what that means. but i wasn't nervous, i was more...cautious, if that is the word. like when i wasn't sure what to say, i didn't say anything. and i listened. and watched. i guess. i don't know. it's complicated."

- January 9, 2011, the second out of four posts

"i could text josh but i'm not feeling it.
i don't know maybe i should text him.
or i sit here feeling sorry for myself."

- January 9, 2011, the third out of four posts

"Things I Look For in a Relationship:
- he makes me happy.
- i always want to be with him or be talking to him.
- he makes me smile all the time.
- he makes me feel special and fabulous.
- it doesn't matter if he meets or doesn't meet the criteria of the list because i just want to be with him."

(would you look at that, i like that list)

"now i'm back to the same question. so what now? and the answer to that question is i'm going to keep texting josh, i'll talk to him tomorrow, and i'll just see where it goes. i'm not too worried."

- January 9, 2011 the fourth of out four posts - i shared texts that showed why i like being his friend

"and last night i was nervous because i made the mistake of bringing up college with josh...So i went from thinking i screwed myself over to a very nice conversation...And now I am going to watch a movie and text josh and eat ice cream."

- January 15, 2011 the beginning of the vacation

"um. but the whole vacation thing you know. it's cool. but what is cooler is having people back home who care about you. and knowing that they have to care about you at some level because they text you the entire time you are waiting for the plane to take off, text you while you are walking around miami, text you when you are waiting for your bed to be set up in Miami, text you goodnight, tells you goodnight, then emails you, comes on facebook just to talk to you, emails you back even though you are talking on facebook. so yeah it's pretty nice.
yeah that started off with me talking about both Abby and Josh and then i sort of just was talking about Josh. but i appreciate it very much so from both of them. but i feel sort of bad over here just talking about my vacation. i want to hear about their life too. i don't know. it's still weird. i guess that is relating towards josh because abby and i are abby and i."
"i just realized that i don't get to say goodnight to him tonight. i am pretty sure ever since we started texting i've said goodnight to him before i went to sleep. is that weird? is it weird that i've texted him goodnight every night and that he has texted me back the same? is it weird that i would wait to get the goodnight text back before i went to sleep? is it weird that i even care that i'm not getting a goodnight text tonight?
and i stopped in the middle of "is it weird" rampage because i got an email and it was indeed from Josh. and it made me smile lots. and i think i am going to go to sleep now and not think about how things are weird. i am going to smile because that email made me happy. i'll send him an email back in the morning. alright. goodnight for real this time."

- January 21, 2011, post number one

"His emails seriously make my day.
This morning I was very disappointed when I didn't have an email from him and I didn't get one last night either. Every time I got an email I would quickly look to see who it was from. And just a minute a got one from him. It made me smile lots. I didn't even care that it was very late, he said why, and I am just very happy now. I can't really focus on my IDSs anymore even though I told myself I would stop for now after this one. But yes, happy. (:"

- January 21, 2011, post number two, about Abby's dream

"So yes I can relate to this. Or maybe I am just making myself relate to it because Josh is on my mind because he is on my mind more than he probably should me, and I just checked my email for an email from him."

- January 22, 2011

"Going to school on Tuesday: Pros: - Seeing Abby and Josh, because those are the two people worth seeing at my school"

- January 23, 2011

"Now I have to email back Josh and go to sleep, because I have to go to the airport tomorrow morning. Ah goodbye Tobago. ):"

- January 25, 2011 post one

"Now you might be wondering, "what about you and Josh? All you do is text him." Yes, but I don't love him and I'm not in a relationship with him. And those will never happen until we've spent adequate time together and can talk to each other without it being awkward, because that is important to me."

- January 25, 2011 post two

"It's amazing how one word can make me happy. But if someone else said it, it wouldn't mean a thing to me.
If you haven't guessed already I just received a one word text from Josh saying "Goodnight =)"
I still believe you can't have a relationship based on off only texts but that doesn't mean you can't be happy when someone texts you.
I think I am going to sleep better tonight than I have since...January 14th. Yes, I just checked that on my phone.
I wonder if that word means as much to him as it does to me. Well you would think it does, since he consistently says it every night we text. Anyways I need to go to sleep now that I got my goodnight text."

- January 28, 2011 talking about what I would do if I had no fear

"Abby asked me that and this is what I said: "i would talk all the time in class, i would tell everyone exactly how i feel, i would ride my horse, i would talk to josh about something other than random unimportant things, and that is all i can think of."...- I would ask Josh what he would do if he had no fear, which is kind of ironic since you know I'm writing a list about things I would do if I had no fear...so yeah I'm going to shut up now"
"Sorry I'm in a weird mood tonight. I just started silently freaking out because by accident instead of texting Josh, I touched his name on my cellphone screen so it went to the page to call him. If I pressed the wrong button then I would have called him. So I slowly pressed the button to go back. Crisis averted.
Oh that's something else to add to my list, I wouldn't be afraid to text Josh whenever I want. Currently, because I am a scared little girl, I won't text him back too quickly - don't want to see to desperate or attached you know.
God, why am I so messed up? Why has this world made me so messed up? I've actually had no say in who I am now. Actually forget I said that because I don't want to get into that. I want to go to sleep. I am going to text Josh and tell him I am going to sleep and tell him goodnight and then I am going to wait up until he texts me back saying goodnight.
Alright. Also if I wasn't afraid then I would tell Josh how every night I look forward to that one stupid word and little smilie face. If I wasn't afraid I would just show him this silly little blog, actually I would show everyone it. But that for sure isn't happening. For sure now I am going to sleep. It's 9:56. Goodnight! (:"

- January 30, 2011 surprise welcome home party

"Um I feel like I should be saying more. I probably should mention something about Josh, since you know he was one of the people who organized the whole thing, but I don't know what to say. I think I should just get ready for Bella's party. Then after that I have to do homework. And I have to charge my phone in case someone decides to text me."

So now I'm going to skip a lot of posts that aren't really significant, but I probably would have included like an hour ago, see the next post to find out way I no longer feel like it
- February 5, 2011

"so i just watched the movie called "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" and while I was, I was texting Josh - until he played his videogame but you know. anyways the coincidence was that the song between the main character and his "girl" was the song "Secrets" by Onerepublic. which i love anyways. but the other day josh had asked for music suggestions, and then i asked for some in return. and one of them he said was "secrets" so i asked if that was by Onerepublic, and he said yeah it was, and that he liked it and such.
So what are the odds that the movie my sisters decide to watch has that song in it and that I decide to watch it, because they had watched a movie earlier that I didn't watch. And what are the odds that he would have mentioned that song, he said he just listed the songs he listened to most recently, and that i would ask him about that one song."

- February 12, 2011

"Yesterday Abby said she was talking to my "future boyfriend," do you guys (referring to possible future readers) know who she was talking about? Probably if you actually read this thing...But is that what is going to happen eventually? You know when a girl is interested in a guy and he seems interested in her back, they start dating, correct? I don't really know, I've never had it happen before. But what does that even entail? I know it is different for every couple. So I can't look at Abby's relationship and expect that have that. I can't really base my relationships off anything, except what I want and expect, and that will change with different people. Gasp, did I just hint at the fact that in my life i'll have more than one boyfriend? Yeah I did. But blah. My mind is all messy right now. Let's focus on the guy that might actually have the label "boyfriend" is in the future. Do I think he could be? Yes. Do I think it might end up that he never is? Yes. I don't know. It's like I'm in high school so everything is sort of hard. I've read things about in college, when you meet someone you're interested in you immediately go out with them and skip the whole "friends" part, but that doesn't mean you are "boyfriend/girlfriend." But for some reason in high school the steps go like this: friends, then boyfriend/girlfriend. There is almost no in between. I'm not ready for that jump, because it seems so huge to me. I don't want to jump half-heartedly. I want to be ready. I think I'm moving in the right direction though. The other day Josh waited while I got my stuff at my locker to talk to me. Everyone else had already gone off but he waited and talked to me. I didn't talk to him much because I had a driving appointment I had to get to, and that had been an extremely long and tiring day but I was glad he did. And I still text him every night and he always texts me back. And in the next two weeks there are two possible out-of-school outings where I would see him, Justin Bieber movie and sledding."

- February 25, 2011, Josh gets a tumblr which will freak me out in less than three months from then

"josh got a tumblr today. it wasn't that hard to convince him to make one. i pretty much said, you should make a tumblr. he didn't want to make one then, so i said how about tomorrow? and he made one. easy peasy. so far all he has done is made one text post himself, and reblogged me. the last post he reblogged from me was 12 pages in my blog, from February 6th. I was not expecting him to go back that far into my posts. I should have looked back there to make sure they were all quality. oh well, they're there. we will see how him having a tumblr goes though because tumblr if a very peculiar place. but i like it very much so i'm going back there now when i really should be going to sleep, maybe shortly."

- March 12, 2011
"I'll probably mess up my friendship with Josh too."
still afraid of this.
- March 29, 2011, i say i'll go to prom with the wrong guy, which triggers so much nonsense in my head

And now I'm done with this, I mentioned Josh's name 71 times during the month of April, and then May happened it, and now it's now, which is 8:23PM on May 23, 2011.

day two.

well last night i sort of freaked out. like after i turned off my computer it sort of started. and in the shower. i was just extremely worried and like alksdjflkasjdlf. i was doubting myself to extremes. i was like "what if i don't like him as much as he likes me and not even to be his girlfriend?" and i was worrying that i was going to do something stupid. and i was thinking that i shouldn't have even said yes. but then i thought it over in my head and there is no way i would have changed anything. but yeah last night wasn't fun. actually you know when it started? it started when he said goodnight and added the little heart again. then i sort of freaked out. i don't know. it's like what does the heart even mean? and i thought about including one when i said goodnight first but it felt weird. i know it's a minor detail but that just triggered all the doubts and made me question what i was even doing.

but i don't feel the same now. well actually i'm starting to remember all the feelings from last night and yeah i need to stop that. but today went pretty well. he was waiting with everyone at the lockers and when Jon was going to walk with him to homeroom like they always do Josh was like noo, and i couldn't actually hear what Josh said but I could definitely hear what Jon said. he was like "wait for your girlfriend? you have a girlfriend?" and i think Josh said something about facebook cause then Jon was like "I haven't been on facebook!" (by the way, I'm up to 16 likes and Josh has 9) and then I think Jon congratulated Josh or whatever and then Josh came to talk to me. And I just couldn't help but smile.

I think the reason why it works is because he makes me happy. Just hearing him talk and being near him. like once i was in english i was like, crap, the next time I see him is after fourth period. then during lunch i'm like, one hour left. then just keep checking the clock during spanish. then after that one minute i do get to see him, then i have three periods until i can see him again. i remember after the first period of chemistry thinking, only two periods left. the end of the day is so much better now.

the only small problems now is working out all the small awkwardness things, which i don't even mind. like holding hands and such. whenever i walked with him earlier in the day i just held onto my binders so i couldn't, well i probably could have, but come on give me a little bit here. i ain't used to this. but i did when we walked out to the car but then it's like how do you say bye? hug? kiss? whoa, i know, jumping ahead a bit there. you don't want everything to happen at once because then you have nothing to look forward to. it's like okay we're together now, but then what? there's so much. i have so much to look forward to. other people might not feel the same way though if they were in the same situation. but i get to hold his hand more, figure out when it's appropriate to hug or kiss him, have him come over my house, get to go over his house, invite him to different things, have him come to the barn, have him meet my friends he doesn't know already, i get to meet his friends, do things with his family, go out together. i know it's not all going to happen at once. that's the best part actually. there are all these possibilities and hope that they will happen eventually. figuring out when and how is all part of the fun.

i don't know. it's exciting. it's different. but i'm happy. it's scary too but that's part of it. that's part of the excitement, right?

the reason why i'm writing all of this, is not only to help me get my thoughts in place, but so in case this happens to be published and shared between people, then it might find its way into a teenage girl's hands who is going through the same thing. maybe this will be some comfort to her. to see someone else thinking the same thing she is. also so i can see this years from now and look back and see what i'm thinking. and so i can see my progress. like after i bring my sisters to Circus and do my homework I'm going to go through here and see how I've gone from single Molly to Josh's girlfriend. i want that entire development not only to be available to me but to everyone else just so they can see what it's like to be inside a girl's mind, and hopefully it will help just one person somewhere. if so then this is all worth it.

Josh's girlfriend.

when I was going to sleep last night I called myself that for the first time and it sounded so weird but not bad. just different. like now i have a new identity. not really since i'm still the same person, i ain't changing at all, but now i just have another way to be referred to I guess, cause there is only one Josh Rivard's girlfriend.
but my status is now up to 13 likes. i'm beating josh with his lame 6. XD
last night when i told my dad he was like "make sure you keep everything in perspective. don't let your studies drop." he's afraid that because i have a boyfriend all i'll want to do is be with him and talk to him and i won't do any schoolwork and i'll be like "BUT I LOVE HIM!" yeah my dad doesn't have to worry. he was worried when i became a teenager that i would become rebellious and hate my parents. that didn't happen. i'm not your typical teenager. i have a brain that i use. so while i would like to see Josh and talk to him and be with him, that doesn't mean I'm suddenly going to stop doing homework and not study for anything.
actually i'm about to go do homework after i'm done with this. if anything having a boyfriend will make me do homework even more because i won't want to give my dad a reason that having a boyfriend is hurting me in any way.

i slept until 12pm today and went to bed like 12:30am, you should be proud of me.

facebook official.

sdjflksdfkkasjdkfl;asdkfksl;s
this is a little bit too much for little molly.
the labels are scary.
but bring it on.
i already have my dad asking when he's coming over.
4 people like my change of relationship status, but josh is beating me with 5 likes.
let's see how many we can get.
and it's sunday now so now i really survived the rapture/judgement day/day of the first date
and i thought everything you know happened but right before i'm about to go to sleep he decides to first poke me on facebook, which i don't mind, but then i said i'm about to go to sleep and instead of just saying "Alright, goodnight =)" like he usually does he says "Goodnight, And sweet dreams! =) <3"
oh goodness. what am i doing.
i think i should just go to sleep now.
freaking out a bit.
ahhahhahhahahdkfjaksdfjlskajdflkasdfj;askdjflasdjkflsaskjdf

i survived the rapture

and got a boyfriend out of it.
yayyayyyayyyyayayyyayyyayy.
i'm just very happy.
okay now let's go through the whole thing.
i started texting him at like 2:30 and was like you excited? and he was like yeahhh or something like that. and then we figured out what time we were leaving and that we should text each other when we get there. and then my mom said that i should leave early because there was a big thunderstorm coming through and she didn't want me to be driving in it. so i told josh that and he was like alright, i'll leave now. so i got there before it and parked at the first spot i could. and then like 5 minutes later josh pulls in like two spots over so i go over and see him.
then we go into the mall and he pays for the tickets, and i pay for the popcorn and drinks, but we're there super early and can't go into the theatre. so we sit out on the seats and eat some popcorn. oh and when we were waiting in line to buy the popcorn and such i saw my elementary school principal and he said hi, and how he's seeing me around all the time now that i have my license, cause i saw him when i picked up maura. and then when we were out sitting waiting so we could go into the movies we saw Abby Szat and i yelled at her and she came over and talked to me, she had just saw the movie we were going to see, Water for Elephants. then she left and we talked for a bit more before we went into the theatre.
and in the theatre we watched the pre-commercials, and the commercials, and ate popcorn, and talked about the commercials. i gave up on eating popcorn partway through the commercials and put it on the ground. and once the movie started i put my hand next to my side and waited for him to take it. first he just touched it and then finally took it and he put the little arm rest up between us. and then we just had our fingers intertwined and our arms pressed together. and we watched the movie. every once in a while he would move his fingers or i would, or when it got to some intense part i would hold his hand tighter. when it ended we didn't move until some of the credits started rolling and i looked at him and he looked at me and asked "do you want to be my girlfriend?" and i was like asdfjkl;dasfjklsadlkfjkdlaskdjf and i think i sort of said "sure" and then rested my head on his shoulder, and started playing with his thumb. and he was like "is that a yes?" and i was like "yeahhh" and we just stayed in the theatre with my head on his shoulder and just playing with our thumbs. then finally when the lights came on we got up and we were the last ones in the theatre. and then i was telling how when i was little we would go and touch the screen and he was like "can you do that?" so obviously we went and touched it. and to touch it we had to stop holding hands for a second but then when we started walking again we held hands once again.
and then we got some subway. he got a BLT without tomato, which i thought was very cute. and we were eating that when Katelyn and Ben come over and apparently they had been walking around and they were going to go see Something Borrowed. so they went back to their seat and we finished eating then i went to go saw bye to Katelyn and then we walked around the mall holding hands again. we went through Target and didn't really look at anything, except for press buttons on toys and play with a bouncy ball, but we just walked around and talked. then we walked to the other side of the mall and went into Dick's Sporting Goods and walked around and talked some more. then we went back to the other side and went into Best Buy and looked at CDs and movies and did the whole "have you seen...?" and i had not seen practically any of those movies. and then we walked outside and when i got to my car i was like "you sureee you want the title of boyfriend cause you'll have to deal with all my family and all of that?" and he was like "yes, i'm sure" without hesitating and then we sort of stood outside my car for a while. not sort of but we did. i was like i don't wanna go but probably should. and he didn't want to go either. we would hold hands and then sort of let go but wouldn't stop touching each other. and i was sort of resting against him and he took the hand that wasn't holding mine and lifted my chin up and kissed me. aksdfjalkdfjaksdfkajdfk and put my head back on his shoulder and he was quietly laughing and i said "what's so funny?" and he's like "we're in a parking lot" and i was just like "soo?" and was sort of stayed like that for a while longer and then he hugged me and i hugged him back and he kissed me again and then we finally said bye and left.

ahhh i sort of don't believe it all. it's like everything went perfectly. i told Maeve first and she was like aww that's cute and good and i told my mom and i don't know what she said immediately afterwards but at some point she said "too bad he didn't ask you before prom" to which i was like yeahhhh and she said congratulations and now i just have to tell my dad when he gets home. and i have to make it facebook official.

but i think i'm ready. like just thinking about going out with him again, bringing him over to my house, introducing him to my family, seeing him at school, makes me happy. it's still taking some getting used to the whole "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" labels but i think i'll be fine.

and now i have to post this so abby can read it all before she's done babysitting and crashes.
wooo. it's 10:30 now, how long did it take to write this?
:D

it's saturday.

in less than an hour and a half i'll be at the movies with josh, what is this?
i'm a bit nervous but i'm just trying not to think about it too much.
i'm leaving in forty minutes.
i just wanted to share the cute text messages, but actually i might not be able to now because my mom is saying that i should leave early cause there are going to be thunderstorms.
but i'll leave you with some lyrics of the song i'm listening to now: "don't hide those stars in your eyes, let them shine tonight, let them shine tonight. hang on, hang in for the ride of your life. it's gonna be alright."

i like corny jokes, abby doesn't.

abby really doesn't like corny jokes. i really like corny jokes.
i'm tired.
abby's over. we're just sitting on my bed with our cell phones. texting each other. wait no. but i should do that. hehehe going to do that now.
abby's making weird faces at me. she's scaring me. she hasn't received my text yet, well i don't think so at least. that's weird. i'm not going to mention it. we'll see if she ever gets it. i'm a little disappointed. oh well.
now i don't have anything else to say so i'm going to post this and see when she reads this. ha. i'm so tricky. good thing she likes me.

ready for next year? yes.

i had to go down to guidance to talk about my schedule because there was a conflict. Spanish 5 honors and Asian Civ honors are going to be during the same period. Why? Why be so stupid. I'm sure you could have figured it out another way. But anyways I picked Spanish 5 because I need that for international business. Oh well. But that does suck.

the absolute fabulous thing is it looks like I have two classes with Abby. I have not had a class with Abby since ninth grade. I would be so incredibly happy. Like so happy. and it looks like i don't have any classes with Katelyn, oh well! and I will hopefully have Pre-Calc with Josh.

but senior year is already looking promising. especially since second semester i'll have study hall but sixth and seventh period so I can either leave after fifth or just chill in the library. sounds good to me. fifth period ends at 12:30, dude, i would be out of school an hour and forty-five minutes early. too bad for Maeve and Maura. who knows, maybe that will change.

semi's tonight. i'm excited. the only problem is I can't find my dress. my mom is going to look when she gets home.

today was the day of silence. i just decided to wear the pin but not speak, which was much easier and nicer. the intent was the same. but i still have the nice little ribbon on now.

ohhh we finished the AP Challenge Cup today and Katelyn and I came in third! that was our goal! we were sooooo happy! we were probably more happy than first and second place.

um i think that's it. in 24 hours i'll be meeting Josh at the movie theatre. crap. in 12 hours i'll be sleeping next to Abby. i should at least clean my room a little bit. and maybe clean up the bathroom cause that's gross and I have to do Maeve and Erin's makeup so I want to be prepared.

i think that's it! oh isn't tomorrow judgement day and the end of the world? ehh, if that does happen that'll be fine if not that's fine too. i'm not expecting it too. i'm sure i'll wake up tomorrow and everything will be fine. so. with that. if this is the end of the world then...i was about to say bye but then i realized that everyone's going to be dead so no one's going to read this anyways. maybe some alien life will come after us and find this. probably not because doesn't the end of the world mean everything will be destroyed? whatever. i need to think of some good last words. i'll probably just stick with bye. bye. i'll talk to you tomorrow.

cool geeky kid here.

i just spend longer than i should have on sporcle doing this one quiz over and over again. they gave you a fill in the blank and you had to fill in the blank. there were 60 of them but they only gave you one at a time and you had two minutes to do it. after a lot of trying i finally got them all. now i'm really tired. i also completed the 50 three lettered words in one minute.

i was talking with Abby on Skype today and I was discussing how I probably won't end up not speaking tomorrow for the Day of Silence just cause it would be a bit of a hassle and I like talking. and then here's the rest of our convo:

Abby: maybe there would be no point X)
[5/19/11 7:27:26 PM] Molly Ronan: ...what? confuseeed, don't mind my little brain
[5/19/11 7:28:39 PM] abby lynn: you have a wonderful brain, i am talking about your blog and how someone wasn't there. and you felt that that day was pointless. and how you can't talk to that someone
[5/19/11 7:29:21 PM] Molly Ronan: i thought you were probably hinting at something like that. -_- but yeah. is that sad that the quality of my day depends on another person?
[5/19/11 7:29:44 PM] abby lynn: no, that isn't sad at all. in someways it is quiet cool really
[5/19/11 7:30:04 PM] Molly Ronan: ehhhh
[5/19/11 7:30:16 PM] abby lynn: it is

is that sad though? that you can't have a good day unless you talk to someone. it didn't use to be like that. now i don't know. maybe i'm exaggerating. i'm sure i would get used to it if he was never at school, i wouldn't like it but. i don't know. it's sort of weird. maybe i'm just not used to it. maybe i'm thinking about it too much. maybe i'm scared. scared most probably. cause if he can already affect my day just by showing up or not then what else can he do? and then there's also the fear that i don't affect him the same way. that's a pretty big fear.

i guess i'm just scared. scared of my own emotions and what they can do to me.

better day, better mood.

i'm in a good mood today. why? cause all my classes were easy. we had a pop quiz in english and i got an hundred on it. i spent my study hall on sporcle. i finished my homework for over the weekend in math. i finished my homework in spanish. chemistry lab went well. and in history we got to sort through all our papers and hand them all in so now i have nothing from history. super excited. and josh was here today so i got to talk to him. which made it all the better. i never mentioned by yesterday when i walked out to the car, well let me go back. normally Josh and I walk from our lockers out to the car and Maeve meets us down at the end of the hallway. yesterday when josh wasn't here she said "you're by yourself today?" and it just made me happy that now Josh walking with me out to the car is now normal enough that she asks when he isn't there.

um. yeah. i get to babysit today. i'm kind of excited to see the girls. hopefully they behave and are in a good mood cause then that will put me in an even better mood. it's raining out so hopefully they're allowed to watch tv or else that hour and a half will become very long very quickly. and that's all i have to do today. another relaxing day. hopefully this relaxing day will be a bit better. and then tomorrow's Friday and i get to go party at semi and then hang out with Josh on Saturday. everything is pretty fabulous.

alright, over and out.

i don't want to be a teenager anymore. please. just let me skip all of this nonsense.
my brain's a mess. i don't even know anymore.
i have lost all motivation for everything.
Abby's not coming to Glee now.
I'm not seeing her afterschool Friday.
I'm not seeing her this weekend.
Those were pretty much the things to just push me off the edge.
And it didn't help that Josh wasn't in school today.
Actually school was fine, why? Because Katelyn made me laugh a bunch and history was really good. Thank goodness for Katelyn.
I'm just sort of overall annoyed, pissed, upset.
And it's not even anyone's fault.
It's just me being a teenager and I need to have mood swings every once in a while. I have less than the average teenager so when I have one, I really have one.
It's stupid and I know I'm being stupid but I don't give a shit.
So I'm going to swear and just be in a bad mood.
And then I'm going to feel like crying but I'm not cause I ain't that weak.
Tumblr just has the best posts. I swear it always know what mood I'm in. When I was in a good mood Sunday and Monday it has lovely nice posts. Now that I'm in a pissy mood it has pissy posts for me. Fabulous.
I really should just choose happiness and cut this out but ehhh I do what I want.
And I'll probably wait to post this until later so Abby won't see it today that way she won't say anything about it until I'm in a better mood cause I don't want to deal with that. I don't want to explain myself when I don't really have an explanation. I just want to freaking write without having to worry.
So I'll just wait over here in my pit of moodiness and wait for it to leave. I'll probably be over it by tomorrow morning. Or not. Who knows.

But seriously the only thing right now that keeps me going is thinking about Sunday and how he wrapped his finger around mine. He wouldn't have done that if he didn't like me. I don't know. It's just that moment. I'm still afraid I'll do something to mess it up. Like me talking to him when I'm in this mood. But hey whatever. I just hope that Saturday goes well. Oh I really hope so. I try not to think about it too much because I don't want my brain to mess it up before it even happens. I really just want to talk to him. And hold his hand.

I really should stop complaining. My life is actually pretty darn awesome right now. My sisters' not so much. Maeve has a bunch of jerks for friends who leave her out of everything and she doesn't have anyone she can count on. Maura gets bullied at school and doesn't want to take the bus anymore. And I'm over here like "ahwwh i don't get to see my best friend but oh yeah i do get to see my friend on friday and another friend on saturday but my life is so horrible!!1!" yeah i think I'm going to shut up now. My house is just a big bundle of negative like emotions.

I'm feeling better now. Maybe because I told Abby that I can't deal with making plans with her now. I'm already super annoyed with her family. And I can't go back there or else I'll get upset all over again. You should have heard me talking to my mom about it in the car. But anyways I'm moving on and trying to get over it. So anyways I need to just stop this negativeness. I think I'm going to go watch Shaytards cause they always make me smile.

My nose won't stop running. It's annoying. I have quite the collection of tissues going. I watched the Shaytards and they helped. I'm in a better mood. My emotions just like to drive me crazy.

When did I start this post? I don't know, but ooo, i had the title of this post "fuckkk" but i think i'm going to change that and use it when it's actually appropriate. I just won't give it a title. Alright. I think we're all set with this post. Oh I didn't saw that time it is now. It's 9:42. Bad mood gone. See the bad moods don't come often but when they do they hit hard and then they leave again. Alright sleep now.

alright Josh can leave tumblr now. he's freaking me out by reblogging all the posts that i posted about him. just you know dying over here. no big deal.

why do other people control my emotions?

-_-

i can't stay in a bad mood for long.
what's wrong with my happy self?

900 posts, what does that mean?

i don't know and i don't really care. i'm in a bad mood. why? well let me give you the whole story. katelyn said today that she wanted to chaperon for the middle school semi dance and i was like oh my goodness yes i want to too! and then the more i thought about it the more fun i thought i would have. especially if Abby came and maybe we could get Mollie to go. and we could just bip and bop around semi and help pick the music and make sure there's enough water and make sure no one's being inappropriate and just hang out and relax. it sounds like a version of the ideal prom. hang out with friends, dance, and no stress. plus there won't be any one around that you feel like you have to impress or watch out for, just a bunch of middle schooler. so why does this put me in a bad mood? because Abby's parents won't let her go. i don't think they even have a good reason other than they don't want her to. Rosemarie's going and maybe they want it to be her night but I mean come on. it's not like Abby is going to be hovering over Rosemarie. when i asked Maeve if she would mind me going I told her that I won't bother her, that she can dance with whoever she wants, and I won't tell my parents anything. Maybe Maeve and I have a relationship that other siblings don't have but blahhh.

And to make it worse Abby and I were planning a sleepover on Friday so she could just come over after we're done at semi. and ahh it would just be so much fun. but nope. Abby can't go. and it's not even that big of a deal. it's just one night. one night that has the promise of being fun but nope.

yeah i'm sort of upset. but there's nothing i can do about it. it just sucks. why would you not let your daughter go and have fun for a night? you would rather she stayed home? well i guess some parents would. but she only gets to be a teenager once.

sorry this isn't a happy celebratory 900th post. gahh. i'll try to put myself in a better mood. what else do you want me to talk about? well i was happy yesterday but that's worn off. cause i barely even see him at school and it just seems so pointless going to each class and just doing nothing. like my math teacher who has no idea what she's talking about. or how we just spend 10 minutes at the beginning and end of each class doing nothing. i could freaking use those 10 minutes. and i thought about talking to Josh about chaperoning for semi but i don't know if I really want him to be there. it would be nice to be able to dance with him and talk with him but it could be extremely awkward and i would have to worry about him and i'm going to see him saturday anyways, i would be more apt to talk to him about going if Abby was going but she isn't, so yeah. probably not.

i swear the only thing that's making me not explode in frustration over my pointless life leading nowhere is the fact that Sunday actually happened and my stomach still occasionally flips out over that, which is getting pretty annoying now, and the fact that Saturday's going to happen. watch that probably won't happen either. will there be a good reason why it doesn't happen? probably not.

i'm just in a bad mood. i'm going to eat sugar in the form of Pez and go on tumblr and adjust my facebook settings so the only people that i'm online chat for are Abby and Josh, not that they'll come online. Abby's probably banned from the computer too and Josh never does. so i'll just be left alone with my candy and tumblr so i can just grow fat. great.

and abby don't worry about me, i'm just in a bad mood, and this is how i get it out. so don't take any of this literary, i'm actually a very nice person. haha yeah right.

so today...

almost freaking survived it. and it was a strange kind of day. a different one than i am used to. like i was happy all day. happy about something that happened yesterday and a person. and abby called me all giggly and cute. what if i'm just being stupid and naive? that's possible too but i don't really care, i might as well enjoy all these silly emotions while i have them, cause they've never existed before and who knows how long they will last.

i'm just going crazy. i don't know how else to explain it. like my head is going to explode and like my belly is just freaking out. and i just think about touching him yesterday and it happens all over again. or think about him just smiling at me or walking with Maeve and I out to the cars. and yeah. ah. blahahah.

it's scary that someone else can do this to me. up to this point people have made me mad or happy but it's never been like this. i've had crushes when i remember myself staring at the back of their head during class or willing for them to talk to me either in class or online. but it never felt like this. and that scares me so much.

why? cause there's the fear that he doesn't feel the same way. that i'm just over here freaking out and he's just perfectly fine like nothing happened. and there's the fear that this won't last. that just one day my stomach will stop flip-flopping or his will. and there's nothing i can do about that either. it's the lack of control. i no longer have control. i never said "alright, you can like him," I just do. it was never a decision. i don't know what it was, but hey here i am now.

and what's also scary is that this could be something. i've done everything right. i started really talking to him in December. it's May now. that's five months. it's not like i'm rushing into anything. i've done things with him out of school. bowling, Northampton, his house, Treasure Island. i've texted him plenty enough. i talk to him in school. and it's all been gradual. building up to everything. which is actually kind of cool to see. but now it's just like after all this time of possibly, maybe, the chances have just increased by so much and now i really want it to happen and oh my goodness.

i need to stop freaking myself out even more. it's bed time. i already said goodnight and got my goodnight back ten minutes ago. why am i still up?

oh, i just realized if i get to sleep and then wake up, i get to see him again. op.

Cleverbot.

Me: I feel like I'm wasting my time.
Cleverbot: You're not. :).

after i posted that the only thing that i've done is go on tumblr. i've scrolled through every single post that was created while i was sleeping and at school. i circled all the way back around to posts i've already seen. i was 279 pages. one page is about ten posts. so that's a lot. and yep, that's all i've done. i need a new hobby. and some motivation. but hey at least tumblr now pretty much accurately portrays my state of mine. there was even a post on my dashboard that said "I wanna hold your hand" which I quickly reblogged.

But goodness. i've said goodness a lot lately. I need to stop that. but anyways i do need to find other things to do with my life. well i have plenty i could do i just don't want to. like freaking calm down. cause today for some reason the longer it takes him to text me back the more it freaks me out.

alright we're going to change my state of mind right now, because it's not good for me the state i'm in now. but i don't know how. 279 pages of tumblr obviously didn't work. and i'm too lazy to get up. i moved to the comfy chair because my normal chair was starting to hurt me. so i've been here for a while. maybe if i make a list of things i should do it will help me: send out 4H newsletter, research for english, send Steph a facebook message back, put away clothes, study for SATs. nope that didn't help me, just made me more likely not to do any of that.

i guess we're going back to tumblr. back to page one.

more than a month.

i thought that today was my one month anniversary of having my license, but then I checked when Dana's birthday is. I got my license on her half-birthday. Yeahhh she was born on October 7th. then i remembered that April 16th was the around original date but then they moved it up a week. so much for celebrating having my license for a month. i hope people don't expect me to remember important dates and anniversaries cause yeahhhh.

but today was just ahhhh. i couldn't do anything. like during spanish i couldn't remember how to say "children" and i was just all over the place. i couldn't sit still in lunch. i was just a complete mess. mhmm. i still probably am. well i am. not need for probably.

and i gave Katelyn the abbreviated version of my last post and she was like "aww that's so cute" and then she read what he wrote in my yearbook. she had saw that he had written something but she hadn't read it yet. and after she read it she was like "yeah you got this in the bag" and i was practically dying.

school just seemed pointless. it's like he's in the same building as me. i can't see him. i can't talk to him. i get to sit in a classroom and do nothing. it's just like please let me talk to him. i would rather talk to him in person than text him. which is a change from a few months ago when talking to him was terrifying. but now i get to talk to him on the way to english and out to the car. and i love seeing him talk with Maeve and yeah.

but then i have to give myself a smack and be like, molly stop this nonsense. you're making this a bigger deal than it actually is. you need to calm down and get your head on straight. get your stomach to stop freaking out and just stop thinking about this. think about actual important things. don't waste your time.

hahaha, like that's going to happen.

goodness. i really just want to see him and talk to him. but can't do that. instead i'm home doing nothing. i don't even have any homework to occupy my mind with. and i could text him but it's too early and i don't to see like i'm obsessed or like he's all i think about. -_- don't make a comment there.

but don't think that there's been a huge change. i have liked having him as a friend since whenever we started texting, that day bowling during Christmas break. pretty much everything that happens, i tell him. if i have a problem, i'll ask him what he thinks i should do. but then yesterday it was kind of like, okkkayy molly you really do like him more than a friend, you can stop denying that now.

but but but but. blah.

it seems stupid just sitting here. i don't know what i want to do. well i do. but i don't know. my brain's a mess. i really should cut this all out and do something productive, like studying for SATs. or texting Abby. I'll text Abby. but that probably won't help my brain much. i'm not sure what would.

i guess i'm going to go to tumblr now even though i feel like i should be writing more but there's nothing more...