so i'm a horse owner again.

actually, i won't be for another week, that is if this all works out.

but Wylie came today. his previous owner came and dropped him off and was looking around to make sure it was a good home for it. it wasn't just like "take him!" we had to pass the test. we had to be worthy enough for her horse. so he was good. he was freaked out or anything. we let him chill in his stall for a bit, then he chilled outside.

after the ladies left and we had some lunch, i went to bring him in and he almost ran me over because the gate started closing on him and he freaked out. and that just sort of set me off. it was like, what am i getting myself into. i wanted to cry. i want to cry now. i flashback to pride and when i first got him and how everything was perfect and now he's gone. and when i was brushing him i was brushing him with pride's brushes, well pride's old brushes. and before i got there i asked my mom if pride's stall was clean, then had to correct myself and say pride's old stall.

i don't know. it was like i was waiting for something bad to happen, like pride would have done. then i was thinking about how much i loved pride and how i just replaced him. that i think is really what it's about, because my eyes just completely watered up when i typed that, now i can't really see.

i'm supposed to be happy. i got a horse. but i'm not. i am crying. i am missing pride. i need to stop crying because all my family is home, wait Maura's isn't, but anyone could see me at any second. pride just barely left and then here's this new horse. it's stupid. i should be happy that Wylie is being better than pride and all but i don't even know. it's stupid, i should be happy.

but i walked Wylie around in the ring and i was trying to do some ground work but he didn't know what i was trying to do and that got me upset. i didn't realize it at the time, but i was probably upset because pride did all of that because i had worked so hard with him to get him to do that. then i got rid of him and now i have to start all over.

it's all playing with my emotions.

to make everything worse though is Wylie is lame. yesterday when i rode him he tripped on a rock and afterwards he seemed a little bit off. and today he was off. so my mom said to give him the day off tomorrow and then see how he is. she thinks he just got a stone bruise and will be fine. hopefully.

and then i've been seeing stuff on facebook like "R.I.P. Deliah" which is Nicole's horse, or was Nicole's horse. and that's making me feel like crap too. just poor Nicole. this must be so so so so so so so hard on her. and everyone's posting on her facebook wall and they are pissing me off. i know they're trying to help and all but they have no idea how hard it is for her. i don't even know. telling her that you've there for her even though you barely talk isn't going to help, or saying that you went through the same thing. her horse is dead. there's no comforting that.

i'm just in a bad mood now. i should be so happy. i have a horse. i'm not. i just feel like crap. and i'm freezing. it is so cold outside and it's the middle of april. and i feel like i should be doing something productive and i don't even want to. and i just want to cry and sleep.