During the last hours of April 2011, I have a few bullets:

- I still don't know what I'm going to do with the Katelyn situation. I don't think I'm going to jump into anything. I might ask her about it on Monday and see how she acts with her parents tomorrow.

- I went to the town variety show today. One guy played the piano, a song that he composed himself, and it was pretty amazing. His name is Joey Allen. He's one of those kids that I want to see in 10 years and see what he's doing with his life.

- This is why I like Josh: Me: "Ahh, I'm tired and I can't think of anything to say." Josh: "That's fine =) I can surely find something purely random to talk about!" Me: "Yes please! (:" Josh: "But first, I must ask you how your day was! How was your day? =)" Then I proceeded to tell him about my day, but it made me smile.

- I miss being on stage and performing. I just realized that tonight, actually like two seconds ago. I miss people coming up and congratulating me afterwards and saying how well I performed. I miss working hard and practicing for hours to be ready. I miss coming to the crazy pointless rehearsals. I miss showing off my skills. I want to dance, or do something on the stage.

- Josh says I should learn something new. Problem: I want to be good. Plus I don't know what.

- I need to go to sleep, I'm so tired. And I don't know how late I'm going to be able to sleep in tomorrow, and after that I won't be able to sleep in until next Sunday. Oh my goodness. Don't freak out Molly. Don't think about how close everything is. Just relax. It will be over soon. And I have a spanish story to write and illustrate for Monday. Fabulous.

Katelyn's scaring me.

This is what she posted on her tumblr:
"This is the second time in a week that he has threatened to kill me.
My left arm is probably broken.

I have never been so afraid in my entire life.
Apr 30, 2011 6:15 pm"

and then later:
"there are fingers branded into my left arm.

jesus christ.

get me out of here.

now.
Apr 30, 2011 6:51 pm"

now here's the question? do i tell my mom? do i say anything? if i do, Katelyn might be furious at me. it might be nothing. like that time when I was talking to Colin online and he was acting like he was going to commit suicide, but he was really just kidding and messing with me, but it really messed with me. i was young then and i hadn't heard much about suicide, but for some reason i thought that by talking to me he would change his mind. i was stupid. but i still remember it. it scared me. and now this is scaring me. Isn't this something you're supposed to tell someone about, but what if it's not what it seems and i mess things up by telling someone. Well, right now there is nothing I can do about it, because my parents are at a party, Maeve's at the barn, and Maura and I are going to the variety show. When the show's done, I'll talk to Abby, see if Katelyn posted anything else, and then decide what to do.

black raspberry vanilla twist hot fudge sundae with whipped cream, please.

so i got ice cream with Adam. I guess it was a date, call it whatever you want, I don't care. when i got there he was already there and we got our ice cream from Jamie Fleming and Adam Beaupre, his friends. Adam paid for it, I didn't even offer, he just did. I think after he paid Jamie said something like "have fun" or I don't know what. We sat and watched the golfers. It was nice. Sort of awkward, but not too bad. But I wasn't nervous or freaked out. It was much different driving to Tasty Top than driving to the Rivards' house. we didn't really talk about anything in particular, just random things. and Ben, Katelyn's date showed up, which was awkward. but I said hi and asked how he was. Adam's friends made him drink this horrible thing on some sort of a bet, I didn't get all the details. But it was gross. He asked if I wanted to golf and I was like noooo way. And we just sat watching the golfers to about an hour. Then I was like I should go, my family will be wondering where I am, and I should do homework. And he walked me over to my car and I just sort of kept walking and said bye. I don't know how it was supposed to end, or whatever, but I didn't want to kiss/hug/anything to him, so much better like that. And then when I was pulling out he was watching me. And then I made a fool out of myself when I pulled out on the road, I thought that I was pressing the gas, but I was really pressing the break. Thank goodness there were no cars behind me.

And then I just got home and on facebook his status is ":)" which is what I put my status as after that night of bowling when I got Josh's number. So I'm guessing it is in reference to our "date." Which means he probably likes me. Then going off at that, he probably is pretty nervous around me, which is why he doesn't always talk to me in study hall or wait afterwards. But now the thing is, do I like him? I like him as a friend, I don't know if I like him anymore than that. I think if I did like him that I would have been nervous for this date, had butterflies, and I wouldn't have wanted to leave. I wasn't nervous, my stomach didn't do any flip-flopping, and I wanted to leave. Also, I'm not updating my status with anything. That makes me feel bad for Adam if he does like me, cause I don't like him like that. And this sort of verified that. This is sort of a yucky situation then. But I think prom will go fine, because it's not like we can't talk and hold a conversation. I like Adam, but just as a friend.

Sigh. -shrug- I guess that's all.

third time listening to this song, fourth actually.

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

You already know that I love watching people perform and I wish I could do it. So I don't need to tell you that again. But I saw some kids perform at a Cabaret Night/Café thing. The best of the night was probably a kid from Easthampton, Alex something or other, that sang the element song. The best. And I also liked the song Sarah sang, Almost Lover, or something like that. I'm going to look it up after I'm done with this.

Um. I don't really have anything else to say. Another day done. One week until the day. Stupid day.

Am I a player? What even is the definition of a player? Urban dictionary, please. There were a lot of defintions that did not fit me but this one's the best and most appropriate: "A man or woman that hooks up with many diffent persons but commits to none and in that process ends up hurting some of those invovled but there is a difference between player and asshole listed below as 1 and 2 and players generally being happy people until they are caught." First off, I do not hook up (insert Kelly Clarkson song here). Second of all, the only thing I'm doing is talking to two guys at once. One via facebook the other via text messages. Hopefully I don't hurt anyone, but I don't what other people are feeling and half the time I don't know what I'm feeling. So.

Today we had a pep ralley. It was so different from the last pep ralley earlier this year. Remember that? That day was the day we had the anti-bullying meeting. We ended our pep ralley with a big group hug. Today we ended it by the seniors storming off because they lost. Last pep ralley we started off the day by crying and we were all together. Today we started off the day by the seniors blocking out the juniors from the parking lot, then the juniors proceeding to get pissed, and window paint to get on cars that didn't want it on there. The only thing that was the same? Juniors won both times. Another different? The first time we won fairly, this time we might have cheated. We knew beforehand what one of the games was, tug-of-war, so we already had the four people who were going to do it picked out. Also, there were rumors that someone put microphones under the bleachers so when we did the loudest thing, that was connected through a device to measure sound, we would be the loudest. I don't know if this is true or not. I just want to get the point across that this pep ralley was a lot different from the last one, I would post in on facebook but that would just be stupid. I've learned to just keep my mouth shut so I don't say something stupid.

This post is over and out.

I'm hungry again.

I had dinner like two hours ago. What's wrong with my body? I would have some ice cream or candy or something, but nope. I would like to fit into my dress for prom please, no sweets for me. Well, I still have my cookie at lunch but if I didn't have that I wouldn't have enough sugar to make it through the day.

I just want to say that my life is fabulous. I complain here all the time about little things and stuff in my life. I know they aren't a big deal. I know that I shouldn't be stressing out over it. And I don't really. I'm not actually as stressed out as I probably should be. My life is wonderful. I really shouldn't be complaining or anything. But the thing is, I have feelings and thoughts and this is where I put them. Sometimes I feel like I make things seem worse than they are, or like I concentrate on them, or obsess over them, when I really don't. There are other things in my life that I don't post here. I know that is only one part of my life and in a few weeks I'll move onto something else to complain/stress/talk about. You can see that on this blog. Look back and see what I was talking about six months ago, it probably had nothing to do with what I talk about now. In another six months, probably less than that, something else will happen in my life and I'll be talking about that.

So please don't think I'm some helpless girl who's life revolves around boys and who stresses over every little thing. I don't know if you think that or not, all you have is what I post, not what I think, what I do, or what I feel. You just have my words. Who knows if you believe me or not. Who knows if I believe myself or not. Meaning, my words might not always get the point across that I want to, or come out how I want them to. I try. I try my best to always be honest in this blog, because it's the only thing where I can just write about whatever I want and not worry about what the people around me are thinking or how I look in their eyes.

What's the point of this blog again? I was trying to say something across the lines of, don't worry about me, I'm fine. But who knows. I'm going to think about going to sleep soon. I'm getting grouchy and crabby. That could just be because I'm hungry.

On tumblr, i just reblogged a picture of a girl and horse and the name of the person who originally posted it is "loseyourpride."

Like I needed a reminder of that.
Josh said he would come watch me ride, I just have to tell him when I have a show.
That's if I have a horse ever.

I'm wondering if you have ever felt like this, or know what I'm taking about.

When there is that person who you are always aware of. Like when you're in a room, you might not be looking at them, but you're either watching out of the corner of your eye or looking around the rest of the room to make sure they haven't moved. And everything you talk about to the people around you, you're aware that he could be listening, so you try not to say something stupid. And then you are questioning yourself, and your thoughts go something like this: "Should I say something to him? But what should I say? Do I look alright? Maybe I should just stay quiet and see if he says something." And then he doesn't and you're like "I should have said something" and then you come up with the perfect line, but it's too late.

Now you could be saying, just relax Molly. If you want to say something, then say it, don't stress out over finding something to say. And if he wants to say something to you, then he'll say it, don't stress over him saying anything. And don't worry about where he is in the room or what you look like, just relax, be you, and you'll be fine.

But it's not that easy. Because if you don't say something to him then maybe he'll think that you don't want to talk to him, and then he'll never talk to you. Then you'll never talk. And then if you don't pay attention to where he is and such, then you could do something really stupid in front of him. Which is sort of a big deal when you're first getting to know someone, because now their limited knowledge of you includes that. Like getting one question wrong out of three, versus getting one question wrong out of a hundred. Get what I'm saying?

It's stressful having to be on top of your game all the time at school. Well not all the time, I know exactly when I have to. Coming it to school, see who's at lockers, then before homeroom, then walking from homeroom to English, then walking from English to the stairs. And then during 2nd period and lunch I have someone else I have to be aware of. Then after 4th period, after 6th period, then at the end of the day. Pretty much goes like that.

I know I shouldn't worry or even think about it. But I do. And I don't really realize it then, but it sort of takes a toll on you having to be aware all that time. Worrying about if you should say something. If you're doing the right thing. It's stupid actually. I would rather just get past this stupid stage to the point where whenever we see each other we just say hi and talk about random things and it's not stressful. Or if I don't say something it's not a big deal either. Like with Abby, whenever I see her I always say something, or make a face at her, or wave, or whatever. It's the whole in between that annoys me, when you don't know exactly how you're supposed to act and it's awkward like.

And I'm hungry still. I had a chicken salad wrap thingy and it was good but now I'm hungry again. Today I've eaten: Reeses Puffs (reeses puffs, reeses puffs, peanut-butter chocolately flavor!), chicken quesadilla, nachos, M&M cookie, chicken salad wrap. That should be plenty enough. Actually I guess it's past dinner time now and I haven't had dinner yet, so I shouldn't blame myself. My mom's bringing home chinese food so I'll hold out for that.

Um, my plan today was to study for history and I did not do any of that. I did a lot of 4H stuff though. Um. I think this blog post is done.

So this is sort of how I'm feeling now:
http://vimeo.com/13906163

it is raining really hard right now.

it sounds so awesome. i turned my music off so i could listen. of course now i can hear myself typing but i can still hear the rain. I'm glad I'm already home and not driving. and then there's thunder and it's so awesome.

and i'm hungry. i've been hungry all the time for the past week or so. just always hungry. it's annoying. but i guess it means i'm growing up! awww, little Molly growing up.

but i'm not really grown up. if i was grown up then i probably would see these situations i'm in a lot differently. or maybe not, well i hope i would. when i grow up i want to have some wisdom that i don't have now. if i think the same way as an adult then ehh that might not be too good.

thunder!

i don't really have anything to talk about. i'm stressed out about the AP test and the fact that prom's that night, and that i have the horse show the next day. i have to be at the horse show for 6:30. so i'll have to wake up between 5:30 and 6. that's going to be horrible. i'll do it though.

i don't have any homework today but I have to study for AP. i think my plan is to relax, get some food, watch some youtube videos, do some history, do some 4H stuff, then maybe do some more history. and just sort of try to relax on this rainy Thursday.

I have been staying up later and later...

...and being more and more tired in the morning.

Things I Want For My Birthday:

- Mike Lombardo t-shirt
- Shaycarl t-shirt
- Flip Cam HD

Then I can become an official youtuber.
Why do I want to be a youtuber? Because I really like making videos. I love editing the most. I'm not doing it for the views, it would be nice if people like what I make.

I did end up going to the concert and I'm glad I did. I went with Maura and I felt kind of bad for dragging her there but us sisters have each other's backs. Maura's here for me and I'll do something for her, like pick her up from school and making her the cool kid in her class.

But I like going and listening to all the kids play. It's always so amazing. Just watching all of them make this sound. Knowing the hours of work they put into that one show. It's just so cool. It's even more cool because I know that I wouldn't be able to do what they're doing.

And I like seeing my friends perform and do what they do outside of school. Plus, I know that they appreciate it when someone comes and watches. Well, I know I do...well, I would. I know that sometimes you can't make it, but reasons and excuses aside, you're either there or you're not. I like being there. In more than one way.

Alright, I should go to sleep. Two more days until the weekend.

riskkkky.

I have about an 1/8th of a tank of gas left. I was in Easthampton today but I didn't get any gas. I don't have a gas card and I had some cash but I didn't want to go get it. And I want to go to the concert tonight but I sort of don't have any gas or anyone to go with. I might drag Maura around. I haven't talked to my mom about it yet. I haven't seen my mother the last two days. I used to talk to her in the car all the time, but now I don't. Um. My plan is to maybe take my mom or dad's car to the concert and have them take my car to get gas. Tricky. I'm not sure if it's going to work. Or I'll just keep driving my car around until it can't go any farther. Now I should do my homework in case I do end up going to the concert.

In Spain everyone talks like they have a lisp. All of their soft "c" and "z" sounds sound almost like a "th" sound. That's just how they talk. Why do they talk like that though, when everyone else that speaks Spanish doesn't? Because there was a king who had a lisp, so everyone started talking with a lisp so the king wouldn't feel bad. They didn't want to hurt the king's feelings. So because a king had trouble talking, a whole nation changed the way they talk. And it's still like that today. And it sounds funny when Ms. Walker uses it, and even funnier when the students try using it.

I should be doing international business virtual high school stuff, which is really stupid and kind of pointless, because it's all due today and I forgot to bring my laptop to school today. I had it all packed up and ready too, I just didn't bring it out to the car. But I should be doing these stupid questions now because I have 4H and I won't want to do it when I get home. I think I'll just do it when I get home because I have lost all momentum and motivation to do them.

"Bella's making fun of me using the word "chit-chat" but that's what people do, chit and chat!"
...
"What's chit?"

"Oh la, we've got a lot to learn from each other, we've got to stick together"

Oh La - Ra Ra Riot

molly, on a date?

i don't really think it's a date. i guess it might be? but i'm going to the Village Green in Williamsburg for food and ice cream on Saturday with Adam. I said that we should do something this weekend so we can see each other outside of school and the barn before prom. and he suggested that. so i said sure. now we might go to Tasty Top instead. either way. hopefully it will make prom run a bit smoother.

i'll think of it as a test-run for when I go out with Josh, because we all know that's going to happen. I just have to wait for him to ask, or if he doesn't ask by a certain point then I'll just ask.

Is that bad? Am I using Adam? Or leading him on? I don't really think so, but maybe. We've done most of our communicating via facebook, so we can't really hear the tone of voice and see facial reactions. this is how i see it. he asked me to prom. i said yes. we've talked on and off. we are doing something out of school. and that's pretty much it. who knows how he sees it, but we'll take that when it comes.

i just want to make it through the next two weeks, that's all. just make it to May 9th, or even May 8th, and I'll be good. I don't think that's a lot to ask for, but we'll see if I make it or not.

I'm talking to Adam now. He came back online and talked to me first. And now we're figuring out all the prom stuff and he's actually being really nice about it all. He's buying my ticket. He already got my corsage. He said we can sit with my friends and he'll wait to buy my ticket until I can tell him where my friends are all sitting. He told me what he has planned out for before prom. And all the pressure for me to figure it out is pretty much gone. I just have to get his little flower boutonniere thingy and tell my mom the pre-prom stuff and set a hair appointment. So I'm pretty much going to be get ready at home by myself. Adam's going to pick me up at my house then bring me over to the other Adam's for pictures then the limo will bring us over. That will probably be the worse part. Maybe I should try to figure out something to do with Adam this weekend so it's not as awkward. That would probably be smart.

Alright, feeling a bit better about prom all together now.

:3

hi. (:
um. I have lots of things to talk about but I want to record a few texts from last night. ohhahah, isn't that like some funny website with ridiculous texts? yeah no, these are nice texts. i just want to have them on here so i can look back and read them and see if i can feel what i'm feeling now again. and i want to share it with whoever happens to read this for whatever reason. if you've read this all the way through then you've seen how Josh has gone just from a guy in my class to the guy that i text every night. after i told Abby what i'm going to tell you shortly she said, "Heheh i love watching you guys grow...its very neat" so i guess i want to give that to everyone who ends up reading this. i don't know who is going to read this blog, if anyone. i don't know how they're going to stumble upon this, or why they're going to read this, but if i can just give them a glimpse into this happiness and maybe make them happy, then i'm happy. does that make sense? i hope it does.

but after i posted that post about wanting to text someone, i texted Josh, and he texted me right back. i don't know if family was still over or not, and i don't really care, because he saved me from going insane. and then after i had dinner he was telling me about how he was thinking about not going to school today, and i said yeah that makes sense and such, then i said "but I'll miss seeing you tomorrow at school!" and he said "Ill miss seeing you too =)" which made me smile. maybe he was just being polite, but still it made me happy.

and then i went on to complain and vent and write a mini-novel about Wylie and how if I don't have a horse to show for the summer, I might go to Boston and work there. and he responded with "I see.. you can complain all you want though, ill listen =) though i kinda hope you get a good horse too, cuz i have a better chance of seeing you more when youre not in boston" And Boston is looking less and less appealing...

okay, let me go look at that list of other things I needed to talk about that I posted a few days ago. and just so you know, within the past four days, i have texted Josh more than 100 times, which is far more than anyone else. the runner up to that is Abby, with 95 messages within the last five days. okay, back to that list

yesterday i did 12 IDS, the day before i did 13. that's a lot for me. but i did it. i finished all the IDS. pretty proud of myself.

oh goodness, there's a huge Beauty and the Beast story but I've already told it a ton i don't really feel like telling it again, so i'll give you the short version. wanted to see play because Danny and Sierra in it. Dana and I go to high school. No one there. Decide to go to movies. Talk to my mom on facebook via my phone. At elementary school. Turn around. Drive past elementary school three times until we find it behind the library. 15 minutes late. Enter the first door we see. End up backstage. Get brought around to where we were supposed to come in. Only available seats in the front where people who reserved them never showed up. Run to the front after Sierra's done singing a song. Watch the show. Afterwards wait around to see if Danny or Sierra come out. Of course Sierra's mother's right there. Talk to her and somehow make it seem like I'm only there to see Sierra. Sierra comes out and it's extremely awkward. Danny never comes out. Go home. Send Danny a message on facebook and he hasn't responded.

The only other thing I want to saw about that is I hope Sierra hasn't turned into some stuck-up snob, which is what she seemed like when I saw her for two seconds. I liked her when she was little. Now that she's all grown up and beautiful and can sing and land the lead in the musical I hope she doesn't get all...eww. But no grand reunion there.

Wylie's back at his owner's. Yep. He's lame. I don't know what the chances of him coming back are. First off he needs to get better. Then if we haven't found another horse, or changed our mind, or the owner changed her mind, or something happens, then he might come back. But who knows. Whatever. It's like everything I touch just withers away. AJ lasted a week. Pride's gone. Calvin didn't happen. Now Wylie's not going to happen. And I wanted to show at regionals too. I just imagined myself at regionals showing then hanging out with my friends. I would make Abby and Josh come. and it would be a grand ole time.

About that, two nights ago I was trying to fall asleep and I realized that none of my friends have seen me ride (I mean the ones who don't also ride). Riding is what I do. It's one of the only things that I put a lot of time into in order to be good. Yet none of my friends have actually seen me ride. Which is kind of annoying. I've seen Abby in improv, plays, concerts, at work, yet she hasn't seen me ride. I've gone to a dance class with Katelyn, yet she hasn't seen me ride. I know that riding isn't something that puts on performances for people to come and watch and it isn't the easiest thing to come and see. But it's not like we go to California to ride. I ride at the barn in Westhampton all the time, and most of the horse shows are around here, especially during the summer. Abby's been to the barn, but never seen me on a horse. And Abby, don't freak out and feel bad and try to rush over to see me ride, because that's just stupid and not the same. I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me, because obviously it does or I wouldn't be writing this. It's just like...more than four years and never seen me do what I love to do and what I'm good at. I guess I'm not alone, I can't remember any of Bella's friends coming to watch her ride. Whatever.

So I'm kind of done with Adam, like completely. It's so stupid. He comes onto facebook and doesn't talk to me. He has my number but he never texts me. He didn't make one effort to communicate with me over vacation, except for when I showed up at the barn and he said hi. Oh wow. Great. Today during study hall I sort of smiled at him then started talking to Renee. I know that's kind of childish but I don't want to talk to him. When he came onto facebook a few minutes ago and I really didn't want to talk to him, but I knew I should. So I said "hey Adam" and he didn't say anything for a few minutes then he goes offline. Comeeeee onnn, I already know that I messed up badly and am going with the wrong guy, I don't need this too. And we have to buy prom tickets this week and pick our tables. I know that he will want to sit with his friends and I'm going to want to sit with my friends, so yeah, I'm going to have to talk to him but if he logs off of facebook! I really just want prom to be over with. It's stupid anyways. I do want to get dressed up a bit because I know I'll look good. But the people that really matter don't have to see me look good, they don't care what I look like. So I really just want to get prom over and done.

Um, I think that's all I have to talk about. Thank you, come again.

I'm about to write four pages in my spanish journal so I looked back in my blog to see what I did the past week and this is what I came up with:

Friday:
- looked at Wylie
Saturday:
- got Wylie
Sunday:
- barn
Monday:
- riding lesson
- Abby's house
- 4H banquet
Tuesday:
- Babson
Wednesday:
- Bluestar w/ children
Thursday:
- egg decorating
- Rivards' house
Friday:
- play fiasco
Saturday:
- funeral
Sunday:
- Easter

Pretty exciting week, huh? After looking at that, Thursday was by far the best day. Alright, now I have to go actually do my spanish journal, then maybe write a story in spanish about a unicorn. Then I'll write a real blog post, that I haven't had time to write the past few days.

Things I was supposed to complete over vacation:
- IDS
- other FRQs
- Huck Finn
- Pretty Horses
- The Great Gatsby
- Last chapters of history text book
- Spanish story

Things I actually completed over vacation:
- IDS
- other FRQs

I really hope I didn't forget something else.

feeling overwhelmed. i want to text josh. or even abby. but it's easter. and they're with family. and i'm sitting here trying to do homework while the rest of my family is playing games. and it's all my fault. and i'm feeling stressed and like crap. and i don't want to go to school tomorrow. and i'm so tempted to text someone but it's almost dinner. and ah. i don't know if i can do this. this sucks.

list of things to talk about:

- million and two IDS
- Beauty and the Beast
- Wylie
- seeing me ride
- exhaustion
- Easter
- so much homework
- getting harder to do work

it feels weird getting all dressed up to go to a funeral. i'm trying to figure out what looks good and what's appropriate. and the thing is, i do look good. i'm wearing a black skirt that i haven't worn before because i haven't had an occasion. now i do. but it still feels weird. i don't know. i think we're leaving soon. i'm the first one ready. we'll see how everyone else looks when they come downstairs.

crap, it's saturday.

i have so much work to do. i know i'm not doing anything this week. oh wait, it's easter on sunday. well then i will not be partaking in the easter activities. i think the panic's going to set in by the end of the day tomorrow. we're going to have to figure out what absolutely has to be done and what i can get away with not doing...

kids, if you're reading this, don't procrastinate. just don't do it. then you can enjoy the end of the vacation and your "friend" won't be able to rub it in all over facebook about how she's all done and you won't be stressed out. okay? okay.

My eating and sleeping schedules are all messed up.

It's almost midnight and I'm eating a pretzel bagel and drinking a juice box.
And I'm not tired.
Lovely.

i had a crazy day today. but i'm too tired to tell you now. i already told the important people who wanted to hear. and i'll have to tell it again tomorrow to my family. so maybe i'll tell you tomorrow.

i just want to say how i am so lucky and blessed to have the parents i do. why? because they completely trust me. they trusted me to bring my sisters to and from Abby's house. they trusted me when i went to the Rivards house. they didn't even give me a time to get home by, or ask when i was going home when i left. my mom just texted me when i was there and asked when i was planning on coming home. i told her 9:30ish and she was like okay. and when i got home my dad was waiting up for me. and then today they let me go off with Dana. and ever since i've gotten my license they haven't been restricting at all, they haven't told me that i can't go anywhere or that i can't drive anywhere. thank you.

i didn't really realize that my parents were so trusting of me until yesterday. you might say that it sounds like their just bad parents, but nahh, they just know that i wouldn't do anything. it feels good to know they trust me. now i just can't do anything to break that trust, not that i'm going to.

mhm.

New youtube favorite.

Ricky Ficarelli. He's an amazing drum player. And his drum set lights up. I would love to be able to do something like that. Ah he's so good. I wish I could go see him and the other youtube stars at Digitour but they aren't coming anywhere near me, unless I wanted to go to New York on a Sunday night, which I don't really. But he's good.

I tell myself I can't go to the bathroom until I finish an IDS.

It's like pulling teeth here.
Only gotten four done in more than a hour.
Ah. I have six more to do today.
More if possible since I didn't do any yesterday.
I hope I enjoyed myself the past month when I wasn't doing any.
Because I'm not enjoying myself now.
And this is going to be my day tomorrow.
And the day after.
Lovely.

my brain thinks way too much. so much it is detrimental to my health.

I could not fall asleep last night. I went to sleep like 11:20ish and I was not asleep until after midnight. And then I woke up at like 9:30 this morning and I had to go to the bathroom, so afterwards I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't! My brain was just too busy for me to sleep, so I laid in bed for 45 minutes. Now I'm so tired that I feel sort of sick.

What more annoying that is that I wasn't thinking about a bunch of wonderful things. I was thinking about three things. That's it. It always came back to one of these three, so in order:
1. The Rivards
2. Prom
3. School

Everything was related to one of those three things in some way. And I tried to think about something else but it doesn't work! I think about horses for a second, op! jump to the Rivards and their horse situation. Think about the ATVS, op! think about when I told Josh about those. Think about how I want to make a music video for Mike Lombardo's contest, op! think about playing his songs yesterday. Think about how I have my first funeral ever to go to tomorrow, op! think about how the Rivards have their SAT prep course, then Abby's grandmother might fix Nicole's dress.

Seriously. It's annoying. So I got up and now I have to do IDS. Think about pressing B and barrel rolling into history.

Stupid. -_-

you know what i just realized would have been nice? if when we were all just sitting around talking and i was slowly getting more and more tired if i could have just rested my head on Josh's shoulder, closed my eyes, and just listened to everyone talk. that would have been fabulous. i didn't think of it at the time, and even if i had I wouldn't have done it anyways.

future life goals.

best day of vacation to date.

what did i do? well i went to Abby's house with my sisters and we painted eggs. then i went over the Rivards' house. i know, that's really scary. it actually went pretty well. especially considering it was my first time there and all.

mmm, trying to figure out what else i really feel like saying. not much. you're probably like "come on, molly! say more than that" but ehh, i don't really know what else to say. sorry i'm going to be skimpy with my words here. i'm tired. alright. yep.

I was doing really well with the whole IDS thing. I got seven done. Then Josh told me what they have planned for tomorrow and now I can not concentrate on the Bay of Pigs at all. If I can't concentrate now to get my 10 IDS per day done how am I supposed to do it tomorrow morning before I go over to Abby's? I don't know if I should keep trying. I only have 3 left and I've reached my quota. I probably should so when I ask my mom if I can go tomorrow I can tell her that I did 10 IDS and read some of The Great Gatsby, so I'm all good. But not really feeling it. I should, alright, I'll try working on them again.

my eye hurts. it's probably going to fall out.
i'm tired. i should go to sleep.
i'm amazing. you are too.
i'm going to drive on the highway tomorrow. i'm scared.
i already said goodnight. i should be getting ready for bed.
i watched glee. Harry Shum Jr. made me smile when he danced.
i am wasting time. i really should be going up to bed.
i've said the same thing about three times. it's probably annoying you by now.
life's moving too fast. it's moving way too slow.
i don't like being a teenager. someday i'm going to wish i was a teenager again.
ha. maybe not.
this is stupid. why do i call this stupid?
i should take pride in this. why?
i don't know. okay.
i'm really going to sleep now.
i have this weird feeling inside. i don't know what it is. like i want something. or someone. like i'm unsure. like i'm nervous. i don't know. that doesn't explain it. but i can feel it right below my rib cage and in my stomach.
maybe it's just telling me to go to sleep.

Secret: Yesterday I didn't brush my hair and I went out in public.

Mhmm. Yesterday I went to the barn and Abby's house and I hadn't brushed my hair. I brushed it for the banquet though. I even took a shower for those 4H people.

Ah, I went to look at a college today, Babson College. I liked it a lot. Of course, I don't have anything to compare it to since this is the first college I've gone to. But it was definitely nice.

I'm procrastinating on homework some more, so I'll probably complain about that some more the next few days. Yeah, it's not going to be a pretty end of vacation trying to do more than 40 IDS, read 3 books, and do other various assignments. It's my fault though for putting it off day after day...so.

Glee's on tonight. It's on right now, but I'm going to let my dad finish his show first then I'll watch it. Hopefully it makes me smile, that's all I want.

My dad was talking to me today about stuff like how you need to remove yourself from the situation and not worry about things and such. I don't know how to explain it. But I try to do that. Like I think that in a few years from now the AP stuff is going to be nonsense, so no need to be stressing over it, even though I probably should so I would get it done. And you know with the whole prom/Adam/Josh stuff. I mean high school prom is soon just going to be a memory and I'm not going to really care about it at all. I'll have a whole new life. College is going to give me that. I'll have new friends. New classes. New place. A whole new way of life. All my problems now aren't going to matter at all. So I'm not going to worry about it.

I like Snapple a lot. Today I was thinking about how I liked Snapple and I thought, maybe someday I'll work for Snapple. Then I thought, nooo, maybe someday I'll own the rival company to Snapple. Oooh, snap! Haha, that's funny because I said "snap" and it's "snap-ple" hahhaha. Okay, time for Glee yet?

I'm an aquarius moon child!

"Original, knowledgeable, competent, has strong opinions. Likes freedom, enjoys reading. Hates mediocrity and incompetence.

In many life situations, the Moon in Aquarius people have their own, distinct and sometimes very original opinion, and they are not going to change this opinion no matter what, even if they will be left completely alone. It is very important for these individuals to retain their independence. They don't want their personal life to be anybody else's concern.

Often the Moon in Aquarius individuals have some outstanding abilities in one or another field, and they work like a magnet for those people who share their interests. This is why so often they take a central place in the company of like-minded friends. And even there they somehow manage to keep their uniqueness. They are not mixing well with the other people, they are together with them, but still alone.

As a result of their character, quite often the Moon in Aquarius folks can become really alone in their personal life, and their constant urge for independence can lead to chronic emotionall stress. Hence their susceptibility to the disorders of nervous and circulatory systems, as also those unpredictable changes in their mood. There is an impression that at times they are getting tired of themselves, and to get rid of this tiredness they are trying to change abruptly, as if to become a different person.

To restore after a significant stress, the Moon in Aquarius persons need to have a hobby which they could plunge themselves into, forgetting about the surrounding world. It would be really good for them if they could speak out their problems, but this is not so easy, because Lunar Aquarians do not like to just chat with anyone about anything. They prefer dealing with experts in their field of interest - this is with whom they are ready to talk endlessly. And if there is no such a person around, a good book could serve as a replacement for a friend.

The Moon in Aquarius parents can be very original. From the early years they will make clear to their child that everyone's individuality is precious, and everyone should be independent. As a result, their kids might not be always properly fed or dressed, but they will become self-reliant earlier than their peers, and their talents will develop more successfully."

Steve Kardynal is awesome.

I've spent, at least, the last hour watching him on youtube. We need more people like him in the world. I would watch the rest of his videos but I'm about to fall asleep. Goodnight. (:

My dog likes Nutella.

lying (or laying) in bed and i dont want to get up.

im typing on my phone currently. finn woke me up. now im awake. i dont want to go downstairs cause then i have to do homework. im the only one home so it will be nice and quiet but i dont want to. im going to have to have it all done by monday so if i dont do it now im going to have to do it later this week. ah my throat hurts too. i just want to go back to sleep and never wake up then i wouldnt have to worry about anything.

I've had a strawberry-kiwi snapple three days in a row.

Yeah, I've been going to outlook a lot. Friday I went up with Maeve after school. Yesterday I went up with my mom for lunch. Then today I went up by myself for lunch.

now I'm watching The Lion King because the full movie is on youtube and I couldn't resist. I don't know how much I'll actually watch.

I pretty much spent my whole day at the barn. I rode Wylie and he was so good. He wasn't off at all. He was just whinnying a lot, I asked him who he thought he was, Winnie the Pooh?

The Lion King is so intense. I can't even concentrate on writing this blog. I was going to write about Abby's text yesterday of "Molly, i think you have a pretty big crush on this kid" but The Lion King is far more interesting than my love life.

Actually now The Lion King is getting kind of boring. 11 and a half minutes in. Yep, i'm done now. Now do I have to tell you about stuff. I'm too tired though. I'm tired because I was up past midnight texting Josh. I felt bad for wasting all the time I normally text him for being stupid, and I wanted to talk to him, so I stayed up. I would have stayed up later but I thought he had fallen asleep because he was slow texting me back, so I sent him another text thinking he wouldn't respond, but then he did, but I ended up just going to sleep anyways. Now I'm exhausted.

But when Abby said that I was like "ahhashhhahhhhhhh" because I don't know if I want to. Because that's scary. That means that I care about what happens, that I would be hurt if it didn't happen. I don't like that. I don't like having my feelings attached to someone else, or dependent on them. I want to be just like "whatever, yeah" but if I have a "pretty big crush" then suddenly I care more than I really would like to. And it makes me nervous, like I'm just nervous-like sitting here thinking about it. What if I mess it up? What if it doesn't work? What if I'm just stupid? How will it work? It's scary. It's so scary.

This is stupid talking like this. Cut it out Molly. Don't worry about it, don't think about it. Now is when I would tell myself, it probably won't happen, but actually there is a pretty big chance. That just makes everything even more scarier. I'm starting to freak myself out over something that might happen in the future. Abbbbby, come through the woods and over the river back to your house so I can talk to you so I can stop thinking about this.

I should have kept watching The Lion King.

"I'm not good at this, no, not at all, i'm not good at this"

Pardon Me - He is We

stupid molly.

i'm so tired. i'm lying in my bed with my laptop on my belly. my glasses are on. my hair is wet and messily braided. i have a lovely pimple on my face. so in conclusion, i look like crap currently and i also feel like it. or i could just feel tired.

but i should stop complaining because my life is so fantastic. i take it for granted every single day. i realize that though. but i just live my life and i count on everything being the same every single day. one of these days its not. one of these days something horrible's going to happen that completely changes my life. when that happens, then i'll fully realize what i had and how i never fully appreciated it. that day's going to suck.

i want to talk to abby. she must be sleeping because she never texted me back. or my phone's not working. i'm guessing she's asleep. josh isn't asleep though and he's not texting me. probably because i sent him a crap last text and doesn't know how to respond or doesn't want to respond. maybe he's doing something else or his phone died or whatever. probably not.

minutes seem to pass by so slowly. i should just go to sleep so i can get this day done with and move on to the next one. but i'm in for the long haul. i have my charger for both my laptop and phone. now i'm wondering if i should just send josh another text or not. or just go to sleep. abbbbbby, my mind isn't functioning, let me use yoursssss.

i just asked my itunes library what to do. i asked it what i should do and then "Ready" came on, then i asked if i should text josh now or not and "Love Drunk" came on. -_- I was hoping for a clear yes or no. Oh, Josh just texted me.

I'm just a bundle of emotions tonight. And so stupid. So so stupid.

i hate it when you really want to say something nice or meaningful or the right thing, but you can't think of anything to say. everything you think of just sounds so stupid. which will make you feel stupid. but if you say the right thing then it will make you look good in the other persons eyes.

so stupid. and i have nothing else to do except wait for him to text me, after spending 20 minutes trying to figure out what to text him. i shouldn't have even brought up Nicole and Deliah and such. why would i be able to say anything good? no way would i make things better. so instead i waste the time i have to text him.

stupid molly. why even bring it up. like you would say something good. you can barely even put your thoughts together to put on this stupid thing, let alone enough to sound good through a text message. i don't even know why he texts me all the time anyway, i'm not interesting, no matter if he tells me i'm not.

see i know that if i told him all of this he would say something that would make me feel better, but i can't do the same thing for him. that's what annoys me the most. it also annoys me how if i didn't bring it up we would be texting each other back and forth within like 5 minutes but instead. blah. whatever.

now i don't want to end this post because then i'll have nothing to do. i don't want to go on tumblr really. i'm going to text abby, hopefully she's still awake.

so i'm a horse owner again.

actually, i won't be for another week, that is if this all works out.

but Wylie came today. his previous owner came and dropped him off and was looking around to make sure it was a good home for it. it wasn't just like "take him!" we had to pass the test. we had to be worthy enough for her horse. so he was good. he was freaked out or anything. we let him chill in his stall for a bit, then he chilled outside.

after the ladies left and we had some lunch, i went to bring him in and he almost ran me over because the gate started closing on him and he freaked out. and that just sort of set me off. it was like, what am i getting myself into. i wanted to cry. i want to cry now. i flashback to pride and when i first got him and how everything was perfect and now he's gone. and when i was brushing him i was brushing him with pride's brushes, well pride's old brushes. and before i got there i asked my mom if pride's stall was clean, then had to correct myself and say pride's old stall.

i don't know. it was like i was waiting for something bad to happen, like pride would have done. then i was thinking about how much i loved pride and how i just replaced him. that i think is really what it's about, because my eyes just completely watered up when i typed that, now i can't really see.

i'm supposed to be happy. i got a horse. but i'm not. i am crying. i am missing pride. i need to stop crying because all my family is home, wait Maura's isn't, but anyone could see me at any second. pride just barely left and then here's this new horse. it's stupid. i should be happy that Wylie is being better than pride and all but i don't even know. it's stupid, i should be happy.

but i walked Wylie around in the ring and i was trying to do some ground work but he didn't know what i was trying to do and that got me upset. i didn't realize it at the time, but i was probably upset because pride did all of that because i had worked so hard with him to get him to do that. then i got rid of him and now i have to start all over.

it's all playing with my emotions.

to make everything worse though is Wylie is lame. yesterday when i rode him he tripped on a rock and afterwards he seemed a little bit off. and today he was off. so my mom said to give him the day off tomorrow and then see how he is. she thinks he just got a stone bruise and will be fine. hopefully.

and then i've been seeing stuff on facebook like "R.I.P. Deliah" which is Nicole's horse, or was Nicole's horse. and that's making me feel like crap too. just poor Nicole. this must be so so so so so so so hard on her. and everyone's posting on her facebook wall and they are pissing me off. i know they're trying to help and all but they have no idea how hard it is for her. i don't even know. telling her that you've there for her even though you barely talk isn't going to help, or saying that you went through the same thing. her horse is dead. there's no comforting that.

i'm just in a bad mood now. i should be so happy. i have a horse. i'm not. i just feel like crap. and i'm freezing. it is so cold outside and it's the middle of april. and i feel like i should be doing something productive and i don't even want to. and i just want to cry and sleep.

i'm excited for tomorrow morning because i can sleep-in as late as i want.

so today was a fairly good day. i got through all the tests. josh gave me a note, after i gave him one. and then he waited with me when i was waiting for maeve after everyone else had left. and i had a nice trail ride with maeve at the barn. and i had a good ride on Wylie and he's coming tomorrow around 12:30. so hopefully that works out.

one thing that brought my mood down was this. my mom told me that she talked to her new hair lady and told her about prom and the hair lady said that she would come in friday specifically for doing my hair for prom. so my my offered to pay for both Abby and I to get our hair done, and maybe get makeup too if there was someone at the salon who could do it. so i offered it to Abby and she said that Sharon was doing her hair, which I knew but had forgotten. But that just brought my mood right now. Because Sharon should be offering to do my hair too because i should be going to prom with her son. and if Abby doesn't go get her hair done with me or whatever, i'll probably go by myself. and that is going to suck so so so so so much getting ready for prom by myself. prom's just so stupid. i don't even know why i'm going.

yeah that brought my mood down for the rest of the car ride home. now i'm home and i'm really cold. and i'm thinking about everything that i have to do this vacation. it's not really even a vacation at all. whatever. blah. i want to go to sleep and just stay sleeping for a long time.

I just discovered that tomorrow's the national day of silence. Why isn't our school doing it? Now that they're not doing it, I'm concerned. Maybe we're doing our own day different from the national day? I don't know. I don't even know who puts it on. I hadn't thought about it, but thinking about it now, if they did do this year, I would probably do it. I haven't in the past, but I think I would. After hearing those kids speak out at the bullying seminar, some of them saying how their bi, and just knowing what would happen if someone came out openly gay at our school. There's probably a reason why there isn't someone. And after seeing Glee and all that happens there. I don't understand how someone would deny someone the right to love, especially if they have felt love before. So you're saying that you're allowed to be happy and love someone, but those two guys can't because they are the same sex? That's just sick.

You know what also makes me sort of sick? A comment my mom made the other day. I know she probably didn't mean it and was just trying to make me feel better but still. It was the day that Adam asked me to prom and we were driving home and my dad was going to be home and I was going to have to deal with him, and she said something along the lines of "He should be happy that you aren't going with Abby" (i don't know if she was talking about Abby T or Abby S, who I was talking to about prom the day before) and it took me a second to get what she was saying. Like if I was a lesbian. And I instantly was like "No, no, no, that's just...no." And also Katelyn told me today that her mom refuses the watch the last episode of Glee because of the Kurt/Blaine kiss, which is also horrible. Apparently her mom just thinks its gross. She thinks love's gross, then?

I don't know. I didn't used to be so opinionated about this, but just thinking about how it's even an issue makes me upset. But with the parent thing, maybe it's like a generation thing. Right now all the adults grew up believing that gay is wrong, but in 20 years, the kids of today who believe that everyone should be able to love who they want will be in charge, and then it won't be an issue any more.

I don't know why today turning into a ranting day. And I know you might be thinking about last year and how I didn't do the Day of Silence thing, but my thoughts have sort of changed since then. I'm going to go look up when that was though. I know I wrote something about it.

So I just read what I wrote about the Day of Silence. That was from 2009, so I don't know if we did it last year or not. But it was on May 1st that I talked about it. I said how I thought it was silly that we were making a big deal about it if we just want them to be equal, because if they were equal we wouldn't be calling attention to them.

Yeah, I don't agree with that so much anymore. I do understand where I was, but that doesn't work unless they are equal. And right now they're not. So by not calling attention to the injustices, they are just growing. I think I was sort of oblivious to how bad it is for people who are gay or lesbian. Having to go day after day without anyone know how you truly feel, because everyone automatically just thinks you're straight unless you do something people think is characteristic of gays. There aren't characteristics of gays. It has nothing to do with personality or what you wear, it has to do with who you love. Some people fall in love with girls, some people fall in love with guys, and some people fall in love with both. Gender shouldn't matter.

Now in a lot of writings like this, now this is when the person is quick to say "I support gay rights, but I'm not gay." Umm, why do you feel the need to tell us that? It just contradicts the point you're trying to make. You're yelling about how gays should have equal rights but no, no, i'm not gay. That's just stupid too.

Okay, I should stop now, because I'll keep going on. I wonder what my parents really think about all this. I don't think they are judgmental and against him. My dad and I talked to a gay couple in Tobago and they were just like two regular guys. And the comment my mom made I think she really wasn't thinking before she said it. I wonder what they would say when I told them I was doing the day of silence. I wish my school was doing it now. I could just do it on my own, but it's better when you have the support of your school. It won't a big as an impact if just I do, but if we got the whole school to do, then it would be better.

It's 9:14, really stopping now.

i'm just fabulous.

i am indeed. i don't really care what anyone else thinks. i wrote an essay today. like i got the topic today and i wrote it today. i studied for english. i did what i had to do. of course there are those IDS, but they'll get done so I'm not worried.

um. i enjoyed talking to Colin and Josh on the way to the car today. i enjoyed driving Maeve home and then going to the barn. i enjoyed riding Murray and talking Adam for the little bit I did. i helped Carolyn bring out poles, I helped a girl working haul hay, then I helped Adam haul hay. I talked to Adam's mom, who is fabulous. Then I went home, wrote an essay, studied for english, read some for history, and now i'm talking to Josh and doing interweb stuff. What I should do is put in prizes for the show but it's too late now.

i'm just in a good mood for some reason. i thought i would be completely stressed out now, but the essay's done and i don't really care how good it is or whatever, it's done. and then tomorrow's friday and we gotta get down on friday. and i'm going to ride wylie tomorrow and then he's coming on Saturday. and i'm excited. we so excited.

it's nice to be in a good mood. i wish i had people to share this good mood with in person. hopefully it will last into vacation and i can share the good mood with them then. i was going to talk about some non-good mood stuff, like the civil right stuff we're talking about in history, and katelyn's freak out over white tuxes. should i? actually, i'm going to. we'll start with Katelyn.

today she was freaking out a lunch because she was afraid Ben got a white tux. she doesn't know what color tux he has, but she was freaking about because he might have gotten a white one and it would match her dress and he would look bad in it and it would be horrible. and she was all upset over it. she didn't even know if he got one or not! i mean come on! and she wouldn't listen to any reasoning, everyone was telling her she was being ridiculous but she didn't even care. if she gets upset over the possibility that he could have a white tux, then her night is going to be horrible. why? because she's going to want everything to be perfect and it's not going to be. nope. something's going to go wrong. something's not going to go how you want it to. that's okay though. it's one night. no night is ever perfect. just relax. everyone needs to relax over prom, it's starting to annoy me. like Katelyn was worked up over the idea of me wearing jeans to prom. she was like "YES THEY WOULD KICK YOU OUT" i mean calm down. i'm joking around, but still. gah, prom's just annoying me. it's one night. why is so much pressure put on it? when you think about your high school years, the best moments aren't going to be prom, they're going to be those late nights out with you're friends bowling or just hanging out with them. seriously. prom's all built up nonsense because of our stupid society. so relax. go to prom. have fun. and just don't worry about it. make the best of it.

okay prom rant done. now do i start in on the segregation/discrimination/civil rights rant? nah, i'll save that for another time. i'm going to watch shaytards now. (:

my "friend"

She could not be talking about me, but she probably is. Who else would it be? This is from Katelyn by the way. I can't wait until this year is done and over with.

"I am just so fucking pissed off today. Every little thing is bothering me. Along with everyone. And their fucking “problems.” -___-

I seriously hate everyone. Really. They think they’re hot shit, and they aren’t. They’re worse off than I am since they rely so much on their fucking wealth and parents. Spoiled bitches don’t get shit done.

Depression blog 2011~ "

Beauty Peace Day.

So today Seventeen's Beauty Peace Day where you don't wear any makeup. I'm just not wearing any because I didn't feel like putting any on. i'm just so cool already.

its wed-nes-day.

um. i was supposed to look at that horse today but it's raining. and they only have an outdoor ring and there are huge puddles. so i'm not doing that. i was looking forward to that too. now i don't know what's happening with the horse situation. i don't know if Wylie is still coming this weekend or whatever.

um. the past fews days after study hall i've waited for adam so i could talk to him for those two seconds. today he was ready to leave before me and he didn't wait for me. whatever. peace out homie. he's just lucky that he asked me first.

the thing is i don't even care what happens with adam because things are pretty darn good with josh right now. like really good. i talked to him before homeroom. then after 4th period. and the past fews days he has said bye to me at the end of the day before he heads out to the parking lot. and now whenever something happens or whatever, he's usually the first one i text. so yeah, he makes me happy. (:

i have a list of things i have to do today, which i should be doing now because i have to drive my sisters to circus and then back home, so i won't be home until 6ish. alright, let's at least get one thing done now.

i'm so tired. driving home i was ready to fall asleep. good thing driving is sort of automatic now. and i'm just not in a good mood. i haven't been ever since i got home. josh is at SAT prep so i can't talk to him. and i would talk to you, abby, but now i'm not in the mood to talk to anyone and i'll just be a drag, not a queen. and everyone knows you're not supposed to be a drag, you're supposed to be a queen. i think i'm going to take a shower and go to sleep. when's vacation?

i love how i have so much work yet i'm not doing any of it.
i don't have any motivation.
just done with school.
what i want to do is have a horse.
go to horse shows.
hang out with my friends.
do fun stuff.
i don't want to do IDS, FRQ, research paper
I'm just so lazy.
i just want to go drive around and stay out late and sleep in late and do nothing all day.
i can't do that.
no way.
this is stupid.
i know i'm going to do my homework eventually.
i just don't want to do it now.
i'm just a waste of space currently.
ah.
i just want it to be summer so badly.
feeling like crying because i don't want to do anything.
why am i so emotional?
this sucks.
i don't know what i want to do.
i want to do nothing, actually, but that's not a choice.
bad mood now.
no motivation.
i want to talk to someone but i'll just be a debbie downer or negative nancy and i can't be that, i can't be negative ever, i always have to be positive.
so instead i just wallow in my little pit of negativity and upsetness and blah.
maura's already home.
it's late now.
this sucks blah.
why am i still typing.
you don't want to read this.
you don't want hear this nonsense.
now someone's in my house and i'm supposed to be nice and courtesy, just leave now, okay?
and now my dad's upset because he messed up the door stuff, because he got a clear door but maeve wanted a solid door, because what's the point of a clear door when you want some privacy? my dad apparently didn't get that.
i think i'm just going to go to the barn to get out of the house because i don't want to do anything.
i want a horse so i can cry in his mane.
leaving now.
this is just awful.
why do we even exist?

I procrastinate like there are a million tomorrows.

Get it? It's a play off the phrase of "like there's no tomorrow." Ha. I'm so good.

But seriously. I did all of the chemistry worksheet except for two problems, which i'll probably end up doing during lunch. I should do IDS since I still have 44 left to do and they're all due in two weeks. Or I should do some of the 5 FRQs I haven't started yet that are due on Thursday. I might go read. But I'm so exhausted and out of it.

I'm excited about my prom dress though. Did I even talk about prom dress at all? If I did, sorry if I repeat myself. Now I'm going to go check and see what I've already said. Nothing. All I said is I got my prom dress. Jeez, I'm leaving out important details here. We ended up going back the first store and I put on a dress I had tried before, and the 2nd time I tried it on I liked it a lot more. It's really fitted on the top then goes out. It makes me look tiny and shows off my nice little waist, which is nice since I don't have any cleavage, not that I want any - just telling you. I look good in it. It looks better on me than it does on the hanger. I just can't gain any weight and I'll be good. It fits exactly right.

I just remembered that I have to make a resume, so I'm going to go do that now.

Don't you hate it when you forget to shake your chocolate milk box well before inserting the straw?

I do.
Do do.
Haha. Inside joke between Maeve, my mom, driving all weekend, and I. Too bad when they read this, they won't remember it. Oh well, I'll just look like a fool saying do do. Hahaha. It's funny, though.

Anyways.
Hi. I am procrastinating doing homework. I only have three days of real AP class days of nonreview left and I'm so behind in that class. I'm almost done though. My vacation is going to be filled with IDS but whatever.

So today I found out that Nicole has to put down her horse. That made all my horse drama seem insignificant. That's just so horrible and awful. And I feel so bad for Nicole and her whole family and ahh, I don't even know what to say about it. And I told Josh about all my horse problems when his family's horse problems are so much worse and he didn't even say anything about it or how I should shut up because I have it easy - unless they didn't know then. But that is just so horrible. ):

Well after saying that I'm going to tell you about my horse problems anyways because that's what I do in my blog. I'm not getting Calvin. At all. It went from getting supplements for him and getting ready to going and picking him up to yeah no way. The girl didn't respond to my mother when she asked when we could pick him up. And Brooke unfriended both my mom and I on facebook. So that pretty much means it isn't going to happen.

Wylie looked good though, as I already said. I think I'm going to go ride him on Wednesday and then the lady is going to bring him over on the weekend, check out our place, give us a week trial, then he's ours. I'm assuming this isn't going to happen until it actually does.

Wow it's already five o'clock. I'm still thinking about how horrible that is for Nicole. Just so awful. You don't even understand. I don't even understand. Ah, I should go do homework.

2nd best horse judger in the state, yo.

i went to state horse judging today and out of all the seniors there, i got 2nd. it's kind of a big deal. i wasn't even there for the awards because i went to look at a horse. that's a different story. but yep. that means i get to go to nationals. but not nationals in 2011, in 2012, because apparently we need a year and a half to get ready. i kind of want to go to nationals but then again, that means i'll have to practice all the time and i'll be in college when i actually travel to Kentucky to compete. yep, nationals is in Kentucky. who knows if i'll actually go or not. but it's pretty cool to get 2nd.

so here's the deal. i was supposed to go and get Calvin today. but then Brooke emails us and says that she's too busy today, we will talk later in the week. i mean come on. earlier she was begging for us to get him, and now nope. it's just so weird. wouldn't you want us to take him as soon as possible, so they could start getting their money?

yesterday, we were going to go look at a horse named Wylie, but we decided not to because we were going to go get Calvin. Then when it fell through with Calvin, we decided that we should go see Wylie. so we went after we finished at horse judging, and didn't wait for the results. Wylie was really good. he made everything look really easy. so we might be getting Wylie instead of Calvin. we would have to buy Wylie though, and he is older, but hey if he does what he's supposed to. i want a horse that i can go into classes and feel confident on and i want to win. as simple as that. i want to clean up at those 4h shows. i want to be champion.

alright, now i have to go tell Josh all of this, because i didn't see what he texted me more than three hours ago because Maeve was playing on my phone and my phone's stupid and didn't say that i got a text message while she was playing that game. and i need to eat dinner and make sure i didn't have any homework.

This is why:

"Dont ever think you are a failure, you are one of the most wonderful people i have ever met =) And dont worry about talking about anything with me, i like talking with you, and i just so happen to also give good advice (which i dont always follow myself sadly XD)"

Thank God for Josh.

Seriously. Just. Ah. Thank you.

the past four days I've...

- talked to my prom date
- found out another guy was going to ask me to prom
- told this other guy that i wanted to go to prom with him
- sort of established mutual feelings
- got my license
- drove by myself for the first time ever
- drove the most i ever have in one day
- woke up before seven all four days
- not gone to sleep before ten all four days
- competed in a horse knowledge competition
- went dress shopping three out of the four days
- bought my prom dress
- sold my horse

and tomorrow:
- waking up before seven again
- competing in horse judging
- bringing a horse to our barn for me to lease

goodness gracious. my life is so crazy.

bye, Pride.

Pride's leaving today. He's going to Laura's for some training then the girl's going to take him to wherever. But he's no longer going to be mine. By the end of the day I'm no longer going to own him.

I should be crying right now. But I'm not. It was tough walking towards him for the last time, then walking away. He licked all hands all over because i had given him a treat so they tasted good. But all because I was leaving him, I wasn't like "Oh, I wish I wasn't." He was still Pride. He hadn't transformed into an amazing horse. He still threw me that time. I kind of wished I got to ride him one last time just to prove that I could ride him. I could go over and ride him now if I really wanted to, but I don't.

Whatever. We should be getting Calvin tomorrow. I'm just not in a good mood anymore. I don't want to go prom dress shopping later. Now I'm starting to cry. Cut it out Molly.

I'm hungry.

its friidayy, friidayy, gotta get down.

this was my driving today, my first full day as a licensed driver:
- drove to school
- drove Maeve home from school
- drove to the barn
- drove home
- drove to the office
- drove home
- drove to the school to drop Maeve off for the dance
- drove home

that's a lot of driving, yo. i'm in a pretty good mood because of it. and i'm in a good mood because i figured out the whole prom situation, and it's only friday, i didn't even need the weekend. i actually figured it out like two days ago, i'm so good. i just need to get a dress. i tried on every dress in my size in one store today and i didn't like any of them. so back to the mall for some more searching.

i have this competition tomorrow for my knowledge of horses, that i was supposed to study for but you know i didn't. so whatever, i'll just fail and waste my morning, but that's cool. then i'm going to look at another horse. but it's sort of looking like i might be getting Calvin, which is cool. and Pride might be leaving this weekend, which is not cool. actually it sort of is. i don't know. it's neither cool nor not cool.

this is boring. why am i so boring tonight? jeez.

Today for the first time, I was the only person in the car.

Ever since I was born whenever I was going somewhere in the car, there was someone else in the car with me. Today I was the only one in the car. It was weird and scary and quiet. I only had my thoughts and the radio.

Don't worry, I wasn't doing it illegally. I have my license. Thank goodness! I don't know if it was the wishing on the eyelash, wishing at both 10:10 and 11:11, praying to God, thinking positive, or my actual driving skills. It really could have been any of those.

Ah it's late. We went prom dress shopping. I didn't get a dress but I saw some I liked it. I should be going to sleep, but I don't want to. So I'm going to stay up late. I'm such a rebel. Especially since I have to get up sort of early so I can get to school early. Oh that reminds me, my mom has to sign that car registration paper. She's already asleep, so I'll have to have her do that tomorrow morning if she is up when we leave. She said she won't be, but I think she will. Or I have my dad sign it now.

Um. Today was good. Now I think I am going to think about going to sleep. Or I'm going to watch shaytards. Either or. Who knows.

wow, i've been so busy with all this boy/prom/drama stuff that i sort of didn't really realize...i have my driving test tomorrow. ohhhh my goodness.

This sort of sucks. Like a lot.

Ahhahahahahhhhahhahaa. This just sort of confirms everything that I thought was most probable.

So I'm not going to type out everything that I wrote to Josh, but I basically said that he probably already knew that I am going to prom with Adam and how I wish that I wasn't going with Adam and was going with him instead. And how it was all messed up because Adam barely talked to me and all his friends and such. And that's pretty much all.

Then he says:

yeah, i've heard a little about that..And you know, i was going to ask you, and i should have sooner, but i really dropped the ball on that one. and i guess its kind of late, huh? I can be such a screw up...You said he wasnt really talking to you?

And I reply with:

This sort of sucks. Like a lot. We both sort of messed up. But its just one night, right? And yeah, I see him 2nd period during study hall and he never say anything to me, except for when he decided to ask me. But I'm talkin to him on facebook and he sort of explained himself but whatever, just more proof that i said yes to the wrong guy.

This is like a sad love story that you read about it just tears you apart. Well if it's tearing you apart think about what it's doing to me. But it actually makes me feel a bit better talking to Josh. It's like a secret little thing.

But here's some more:

Josh: That's true, it is just one night, and i will be there, so im sure i can sneak you away for a dance, right? =)
Me: You're going?! That makes it a bit better. Of course ill dance with you and talk with you. Everything will be okay, right?
Josh: Yeah, im going. =) so we'll get to dance and talk, and everything will be alright

Yeah I am feeling better about the whole thing. Yeah, I'm going to be going with Adam, which sucks. But Josh is going to be there. It's one night. And now I know for sure that he was going to ask me. And he knows that I want to go with him. So my life is just pretty okay now. Not perfect, but much better than it was. Relief. Now I need to fill Abby in with everything.

Ohhhhk.

So. Adam responded. I just sent my long thing to Josh saying that I would rather be going to prom with him. Want to see my conversation with Adam? This is after talking about driving appointments and such.

Me: alright, so i'm sort of confused so i should probably ask you. why did you ask me to prom yet you never talk to me during school and such?
Adam: I asked you because I think that you are extremly nice and witty, and I think that it would be fun to get to know you more. But about the not talking part, honestly, it's because I only see you during 2nd period, and that time i'm 90% asleep anyways, but I'd love to talk to you more, I just don't know when. I'm trying to get a cell phone thats better for texting but right now mine is pretty much the worst on the market.
M: Thank you first of all. And yeah I know how it is in study hall, but you can talk to me afterwards for those two seconds in the hallway before third period maybe? I could too. I'll say hi to you at the beginning of second period tomorrow, alright? No more awkward-like-ness. But that makes me feel better, I was thinking that you just didn't want to talk to me.
A: No not at all! I really would like to talk more and get to know you better. I realize that suddenly asking you to prom might have been a bit, abrupt, but I guess thats just the way I am hahah.
M: Completely through me off, but that's fine. XD We can figure it out. We just sort of have to talk to each other. But yeah. That's all really.

And now he's typing. So, what does this mean? It means I better start talking to him more often. It also means I'm most definitely going to prom with Adam because I can't back out on him now.

Now i'm freaking out waiting to see what Josh is going to say. That's freaking me out more. And Abby's still at work. Ahhhahaahha, why do I make my life so complicated? Actually this should be uncomplicating it a bit for me. Maybe after today everything will be all sorted out. I'm just going to wait to add the rest of Adam's conversation since we are still conversing. But still, even after this I wish I was going with Josh who is taking nice and long responding to that text I just sent him. Actually now he has changed the topic so here's the rest:

Adam: Hahah, yeah I guess I often have that effect on people. So, when you get your license, you're going to drive yourself up to the barn? Maybe we can talk a little bit there too, if neither of us are too busy.
Me: I'm planning on it, I'm going to Maeve's transportation from now on and she goes pretty much everyday. And hopefully I'll be getting a horse soon and will be up there more often.
Adam: Cooooool
so how has Mr. Dewitt's AP class been?

Okay Josh, you can respond any time now. My leg nervously shakes when I'm not typing. I just have nervous energy. Why is he going to say? I know he's going to be nice and all but still who knows. Abbbbbbbyybybybybbbbybyby. She should have been out of work 2 minutes ago, I'm going to text her. Then when she texts me back I'll freak out if it's Josh's or not. I probably scared him bringing something big like that up out of the blue. But how else do I bring it up?

Lalala, tumblr, change music station, back here, type something back to Adam, check phone, and repeat in various orders. I wish I could give you the feelings....ahahahskdfjladjf Josh texted me back. Alright, dealing with that now.

Josh is going to get his own blog post.

Overload of guys.

I'm talking to Adam on facebook and I just asked him why he asked me to prom yet never even talks to me. And I'm waiting for his response.

I'm about to tell Josh about what's going on.

Oh jeez. If I pass out, you know why.

Adam has started typing, then stopped, and ah. I want to know what he's thinking. I wish I could see his face. Now I have to type a novel for Josh, ah. Nervous. More nervous about this or driving test? Close call. Ask me again tomorrow.

And is this my 800th post? Let me check. Why yes, I believe this is. Great.

Adam why are you taking so long to type this? ahalksflaksdjflasdf, put me out of my misery and just tellll meeeeee.

Last time on the bus everrr, hopefully.

I really hope that I get my license tomorrow. I'm nervous mostly because I want it to badly. Ahh. I just can't mess up.

I have to remember, parking uphill with a curb, turn wheel to the left, otherwise to the right.

Okay so nervous about that.

And I thought I was going to get this Calvin horse but now it seems like they are going to back out of the deal. I don't blame them but it sort of sucks for me. But we're going to look at another horse on Saturday. The only reason my mom is finding all these horses for me to try is because she doesn't want me to go to Boston for the summer. She thinks that if I have a horse I'll stay home, otherwise I'll go to Boston. She's exactly right. If I don't have a horse to show for the summer, I'm out of here as soon as possible. But it's nice too think that she wants me to stay home.

I really should do some history homework. I probably won't for another hourish.

And today nothing was accomplished with my plan. Whatever. Katelyn thinks that there is absolutely no way that I can not go with Adam after I told him yes. Which is what I thought at first but now he's not talking to me and he has changed his route in the hallway so he doesn't have to see me. It's ridiculous. He's being a bit of a jerk, whether he is meaning to or not. Ah, I'm so tempted to talk to Josh about this but I don't know how I would bring it up and if I should or not. I've been pretty much telling him everything and asking his advice on everything via text for a while. The only things I haven't talked about are obviously prom, my grampa in the hospital but I didn't tell anyone that, and you know really serious topics that I would only talk about with Abby. So I sort of want to talk to him about this. Is that weird? I don't know. I'm really just a mess in my head so I don't know. Abby's at work until late so I can't talk to her. I might go visit her but even then I wouldn't be able to say anything because my mom or dad will be with me. Not for long though, hopefully. Knock on wood.

Okay, I'm going to end this blog post so I can continue my time wasting procedure before maybe doing something productive.

"Its alright we didn't talk much today, as there is always tomorrow =) And you are always interesting! Its alright being tired, im pretty worn out myself, so i believe ill be saying goodnight first tonight, goodnight! =)"

I fucking messed up.

"What will make you happier, who will make you happy with your choice."

If you had asked me that last week, I would have had trouble answering that. Now, not really. Josh would.

I got myself in sort of a pickle now didn't I.
I need to try to sort of what I can do now.

- Tell Adam I can't go with him, but how do I do that? Say that I can't, or that I don't want to? Because if he ends up going he'll see me there with Josh. And I'll see him everyday during study hall, not that he talks to me then anyways. And I'll see him at the barn. It's not like he's going to just disappear. It's not going to simple like, "oh changed my mind I want to go with Josh now" because it doesn't work like that.
- I don't even know. This is starting to stress me out more than it should. I was going to be the one who avoided the prom drama now look at me, knee deep in it. Well it's mostly just in my head because to anyone else that I haven't told, there's no drama. I'm going with Adam and there's no Josh.

Why am I so stupid? Why couldn't I have just said no to Adam when he asked? Why couldn't Josh have asked sooner? Why hadn't I brought it up to Josh sooner? Why couldn't I have thought of this all before hand? Why can't it be simple?

I'm getting all upset over this now. We'll see how tomorrow goes. But then I feel like I can't put this off too long because then it will be too late or whatever. So let's set a limit for myself. By the end of this weekend I have to be definite in who I'm going to prom with. I can't second guess myself. I need to figure out if I'm going with Adam or if I'm bailing on him and seeing if Josh wants to go with me. Would it be better if I asked Josh beforehand because what if he says no? Then I'm stuck without a date, which wouldn't be that bad, but still. Well I'm in for a stressful rest of the week. How many days do I have? Wednesday. Thursday. Friday. Saturday. Sunday. Then I should not stress out over it anymore. So pretty much I'm setting myself a deadline to figure this all out. First step? Posting this up and telling Abby to read it, even though I pretty much know where she stands on all of this. Second step? Seeing if I can talk to Adam during study hall tomorrow. Third step? Talking to my lunch girls. Fourth step? Communicate with people after school. Fourth step? Try to talk to Adam during study hall again Thursday. Fifth step? Get my license. Sixth step? Get my dress. Seventh step? See where I'm at and revaluate before Friday so I can talk to people on Friday. Then weekend make any final steps that I haven't already covered.

Alright, step one will be completed in two seconds.

in case you didn't already know...i'm lazy.

i haven't done any homework at all. because it's not due tomorrow so why do it now? i'm a lazy person for sure. i'll worry about it later in the week or next week or the day before it's due. that's cool too.

so what do i do instead of doing homework? write a post telling you about how i don't do my homework. ha. and go on tumblr. and facebook. adam came on facebook chat for a bit and i waited for him to talk to me, but then he went offline. i guess i should have just said hi. but i'm kind of fed up with him. maybe he's just shy. well he should get some guts.

i don't know. i want to talk to abby but she's being a smart and good student and tutoring someone. blah. i have to go do 4Hy things soon. and i've done nothing. why am i so lazy. my contact's being weird too. why am i so uninteresting.

i really hope that this blog becomes a famous best selling book or else this will all be for waste. and stupid. at least if it becomes big i'll feel like all that stupidness i'm going through will be good for something. and i'll feel like something is you know worth this stuff. i don't know. now i'm not making sense. ignore me. i should shut up now.

and you see what's even more annoying about myself is that i talk about stupid stuff. just look above. i don't talk about anything that matters, like how texting while driving is more dangerous than driving while under the influence, yet people do it more. or about how my grampa was in the hospital for a few days. nope, don't talk about important things. just brush them under the rug and pretend like the worst thing in the world is your prom date situation.

i'm really pathetic sometimes.

You're supposed to share stories right?

Well I told Katelyn, Mollie, and Sarah about my little prom dilemma today. I was going to tell them at lunch but I couldn't because Colin was sitting right there. If he was listening he might have been able to figure out what I was going to say something about Josh before I caught myself. I shouldn't have even mentioned anything right then because then they were hounding me for the rest of lunch to tell them. So I wrote Katelyn a letter at the end of spanish and they three of them read it. It really just said about how I think Josh was going to ask me, and how Adam hasn't talked to me and I'm wondering if he is avoiding me and if he only asked me to prom because he wanted a date. I don't blame him for that by the way, and I wouldn't mind it as much if there wasn't someone else.

One of the reasons why I decided to tell them today is because it sort of hit me in the gut today during 1st period. We did a driving while texting simulation thing during our english class. And of course I have english the same period as Josh and Adam. Adam avoided me completely, just saying. Josh ended up behind me while we were watching the simulation thing. I wasn't paying attention to their conversation but they started talking about prom and Josh said that he wasn't going, why would he go? And I was just thought in my head, the only reason why he isn't going is because i'm not going with him. he could go with another girl, right? or find a group of friends but that would be awkward sort of. he could go with Jayna. yeah, i should be going with Josh because I don't want him to go with anyone else.

So now what do I do?

Well I'm going to ask Adam why he asked me to prom in the first place. It's probably going to end up having to be via some sort of technology because today after study hall when I went to talk to him, he went the other way. He always goes the same way as me, but today? nope. and yesterday his backpack was so interesting. I mean if he liked me, he would talk to me, right? so he must have just asked me because he needed a date. and right now, i'm just like whatever. any feelings I had for Adam are leaving very quickly.

so here's one situation in my head. Adam says that he only asked me because he needed a date. So I say something like, well there's someone who actually likes me and what to go with me, and how I don't really want to go with him if he's just using me and doesn't like me. And he'll be like...okay, whatever, i understand. And then I'll be like, Josh? Sorry I sort of messed up, but would you want to go to prom with me? And I hope he would say yes or else I'm completely screwed.

another situation. I explain the whole thing to Josh. About how when I said yes to Adam I didn't know that he wasn't going to talk to me, and I didn't know if Josh was going to ask me or not, and how I would rather be going with Josh, but I can't go back on my word. And he'll understand and we'll plan our own outing that will be more fun than prom. I'll still have to deal with stupid prom but at least I'll know that Josh knows where I stand and I won't care what happens at prom.

the second situation doesn't sound half bad. I'll just have to actually tell Josh. Probably through text since I never see him or have the chance to talk to him without anyone else around. That will make for an awkward day the next, but that's better than him wondering, right? I don't know.

Katelyn says that I shouldn't go back on my word to Adam saying that I would go with him. My mom never suggested that I change my mind, so I'm guessing she agrees with Adam. Abby thinks that I could change my mind. I feel like that's kind of selfish though. But I can imagine myself doing it more so than before. Everyday that goes back that I have no contact with Adam and I talk to Josh I can see it happening more and more.

I can survive one night though. Maybe I could survive it more so if...I don't know. This is too much thinking for me. It's a stupid night, why is it so complicated? I want to hear what Mollie has to say at lunch tomorrow. And what Abby says after she reads this. And if I go prom dress shopping with Bella and Maeve, I'll probably ask them.

I never used to tell anyone anything like this, except for Abby. No one knew who I had crushes on. At all. Now it's like so many people are talking about it. But I want their opinions and I trust them and why should I hold this whole burden on my own?

I need to stop thinking about this for a bit. Tumblr? I think so.

I'm a fineass!

Haha, this is just a post on tumblr which each birth month. Mine was kind of scary accurate so here you go:

"JUNE =FINEASS
Fun to be with. Loves to try new things. Boy/girls LOVE you. You are very hott. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takesrep pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times.Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover. Repost this in the next 5 mins and your reputation will boost someway in the next 12 day "

I didn't repost because I don't care about my reputation first of all, second of all I don't want that on my blog, and third of all this counts right?

Alright, nothing really exciting to say other than the fact that I sort of suck, but I'm fabulous at the same time. And I'm getting a horse to lease for the summer soon hopefully and all! Ah! I'm excited.

And excitement gone, Dana brought up Pride and now I'm crying about selling him. It sort of just hit me that he's going to be gone. I haven't cried over Pride in a while. This sucks. I hope my dad doesn't come out of the computer room because these aren't the little eyes watering, They're streaming down my face. Silently of course. I never cry loudly. Now we're done with the tears, my mom and Maeve are home.

Now back to my horse for the summer. He seems like a safe bombproof horse, which is what I need. I need a confidence builder, but that's what they said Pride was and he sort of destroyed it. Hopefully he works out. I like the family that he's from. They are kind of wacky and they talk a lot but they're nice. The girl is only a year older than me. She has a two year old daughter. She had to drop out of high school. She's had a rough time. She was making me cry when she was talking to me on facebook earlier. "hes the best horse ive onwed...hes my bestfriend( odd to say that) calvin has gotten me thru very hard patches in life" I can only imagine what kind of life she's had. Her father died. She has a two year old daughter. She has a younger brother who is special needs with autism and such. She has medical problems herself. She bought a horse that ended up being drugged so now she has a nut and has to sell him. They aren't doing too great financially. Her mom's about to be cut off from social security. I mean this poor girl has a hard life. I feel bad taking her horse away from her, but they need the money. I'll be seeing her throughout the summer though, her daughter Casey is going to be showing him leadline and if Brooke, that's the girls name, can't find a horse by showing season she will show him a bit too. I'm texting her now too. She probably needs a friend like me, that's what my mom said at least.

But I'm excited to get the horse, Calvin. Hopefully soon. Carolyn's going to have to use him for Williston because she has one bigger girl who can't ride any of the ponies they have, and she hasn't had any luck getting a horse for her. So she'll have to use Calvin, which is kind of annoying because that's everyday. Apparently she said that some days she could use Herbie instead. I'm going to want to ride him though, especially to get him ready for shows. But I hope it works out. I hope he turns out to be everything he's supposed to be.

I think I'm going to go to sleep now. It's 9:22. Alright. Tomorrow's another day.

Is it bad that I use my blog to remind myself what I did the past week?

Currently writing in my spanish journal and just can't remember, so checking the blog. Sometimes I read things that make me smile, like "well peace suckers i'm gonna be who i'm gonna be" and then there is some stuff i just want to avoid, and i can't think of an example of that currently.

And now I have to continue doing my homework because I won't have time later.

And still no water, so I'm seeing if I can hold going to the bathroom until we leave and arrive at our destination.

And I'm really close to 800 posts. I think this is the 793rd? When do you think I'm reach 800? Eh? That depends on what happens and what my brain decides to do. But soon.

I just choked on my spit. I'm a quality person.

so i have a new favorite family on youtube.

they went and met Shay at the airport and then he told us to watch her vlog and they're fabulous. there's Ari and Alex and their parents. Alex's hot. and his sister's awesome. and their parents are awesome too. I would have watched all their videos but i had to go to horse related things, so now i'm finishing the video i was watching before.

and guess what i was just told? we don't have any water tonight. or tomorrow. so i can't take a shower. i need to take a shower. i had one yesterday but i need one. my hair is already greasy. i smell like horses. there is no way i'm going to school like this. so i'm going to have to wake up early tomorrow to go Bella's. i'm going to have to wear my pjs over and then get dressed and stuff there. that sucks so much. i better get to sleep then because it's going to be an early morning tomorrow. stupid water.

sorry Ari and Alex for ruining the blog post about you guys with stuff about gross showering stuff. i mean showering is gross, you have to do it naked. whoops, i'm ruining your post even more. i'm going to shut up and go to sleep now.

my life is complete.

Cassandra from nerdzrl was in a video with Charlie from charlieissocoollike. You should have seen my surprise when I saw her in his video. It was fabulous. I hadn't been watching her videos recently so then I went and watched her last one and she was in London with Charlie and oh my goodness. I love those two.

Here's the thing. I don't know anything.

This whole blog? Yeah pretty much it's all pretending, because I don't know anything. Anything I said, I don't know. How do I know? I don't know anything. I just pretend like I know things about life. I don't.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I don't know if I change my mind if I'm doing the right thing then. I don't know.

ask me a question, i'll probably say i don't know.

actually, I do know that i'm hungry but that's insignificant.

so what's next? i think the next step is to see how tomorrow goes. and what i really want to do, i don't know if i actually will, but i want to ask Adam why he asked me to go to prom with him and see what he says. it would be easier to do it via text or on facebook but then i can't see his facial expressions and how he says everything. so that leaves at school or the barn. but i may not be at the barn at all this week, and he's only there thursdays, fridays, and saturdays. i could do it after 2nd period, when he asked me originally.

the other day i told Bella about how i thought Josh was going to ask me, because i needed to tell someone. and i was telling her how he texts me but we barely talk and how it annoys me. and she was like "awww, you like him." is it obvious? is there something i'm missing here? i wish i could remove myself from the situation, see what everyone's thinking and what their motives are, and then move from there. but i can't. i'm stuck in the middle.

i'm talking about this a lot because that's all thats really happening. it's the biggest thing that's happened in a while. remember Monday when i was crying for no reason? now look at me.

i'm thinking about telling my mom and maeve about my situation and seeing what they think. i'm going to be hanging out with them later at the horse show. i want to see what my mom says. i'm getting pretty good at telling people now. it's kind of better than keeping it all to myself and sharing it on this blog.

you know i bet if this gets published you're going to ask a girl my age currently "what was your favorite part of Molly's blog?" after she read it, and she's going to say "when she went to prom for the first time, definitely" because it's drama. people love drama. you've never read a book where everything was all sunshine and rainbows. or a movie. or anything. because people love things to go wrong and for things to happen, but then they want things to get right too? not always, because people like to see things go wrong. or maybe they like to see it in fictional stuff. i would like to thing that the future readers of this are routing for me. what if my life became pretty big, like twilight. there could be Team Josh and Team Adam. hahaha, that would be so funny and awesome. if this does become big, i want to see that happen. i want to see people wearing t-shirts with that on it. sorry Josh and Adam but i mean come on. maybe you can get some of the profit. but i'm not doing this for money. it would just be so awesome to walk down the street and see someone with a "Team Josh" shirt on and I'll be like "OMG! THAT'S ABOUT ME!" and i would freak out. even if i was 30+. that makes me smile thinking about that. but more drama in my life = better blog = more people will read it = more people will learn from my experiences = t-shirts. that's just a win-win-win situation all around, minus the more drama in my life now. i'll deal with that.

now i'm going to go eat some nutella for breakfast, then get dressed, then go driving with my dad, and then go to a horse show, and then maybe go look at a horse. sounds like a nice day.