"If time is all I have, I'll waste it all on you" - Misfits, I saw it on tumblr

Me: hi, my name is molly and I like you a lot and can we get rich and build a house on a mountain making everyone look like ants?
Josh: Hi (= my name is josh, and i like you a lot, and we can definitely get a house on a mountain high above everyone else (=
Me: Okay dokay sounds good! (:
Josh: It does! And then we'll put a huuuge star on a tree or something during christmas so everyone around can see it!
Me: I would love that so much! But can we keep it on all year long?
Josh: We definitely can (= then everyone can see it all the time!
Me: Yay! :D

i hate how stupid and emotional i am.
why am i crying.

Hi (:
I like you way a lot. And you might be wondering why I'm writing you this letter when I can just talk to you. Well I just read an extremely cute letter someone wrote to her future boyfriend. I wanted to write one, but I don't have a future boyfriend. I have one right now and I couldn't be any happier.
It's amazing walking through the hallways and even if you aren't right next to me, just knowing you're somewhere and that you're there. I don't know how to really describe it. Just knowing you're there I guess.
It was almost a year ago when we started texting each other. I remember that day Maeve, my mom, and I all went shopping in Northampton, and then to the mall. I was sort of dragged along, but I was so happy because I was talking to you. And even happier because we were having an actual conversation that was amazing. Since then I haven't been able to stop talking to you. About anything, everything, and even nothing.
I'm often afraid about what's going to happen once September rolls along. Or if we're even going to get there, but I can't think of why we wouldn't. And I think about what other people think when they see us together and what they think about us. But it doesn't really matter does it? The here and now is what matters. Here and now I care about you a lot and I think you do about me too.
I don't know why though. Is that bad that I still have trouble grasping the idea that someone like you would like someone like me? I still wonder how we got here, from never talking to each other, to never stopping talking to each other, to kissing each other every time we part ways. You never seem to agree with me on that. You think it's the most natural thing that we ended up together now. And maybe it is. But I don't know. Does it seem like we could just be together because of Abby and Colin? I like to think that isn't true, but would I have even started talking to you if Abby and Colin weren't dating? Probably not. But it's not like we got together soon after they did. It took us long enough didn't it? I often feel like we have to live up to them. That people compare us to them, or maybe I just do. I've always thought of Abby as being as perfect as a person can get. In 7th grade she was the bees knees and she still is. I'm just me though and I don't know how come you like me so much. Maybe this is the whole you can't love someone until you love yourself thing. I don't know. We're just teenagers. I still think love is too big of a word. But I would love to say those three words to you one day and really really really mean it.
Now I feel like a silly sappy corny romantic girl. I'm not sure what else to say, in fear that I'll say more silly things. I should be doing something more productive now, like essays and projects, and whatever else. It's so dark out right now and it's only 4:50. Which is random but it feels so much later. I still have so much time to do things that I don't want to do. I'm sorry, I'm ruining your letter.
But I do like you a lot. You make me very happy. I hope I make you happy too.
Now I guess I'm done.
From,
Molly (:

i have never been more worried or anxious in my life.
i don't even know how to describe it.
i don't think i would be able to handle not getting into a school.
i can barely handle the suspense now.
Roger Williams called and i didn't answer. i didn't know it was them at the time. now i just keep breaking down crying cause i don't even know. the uncertainties and worries are driving me crazy. and they called home and Maeve didn't answer and didn't get the phone to my mom in time.
i'm seriously going to rip out my hair.
i hate this so much.

i love you.

i hate those words. well not really. they are just kind of scary. and i don't like all the meaning packed behind them and how they can be twisted and used in so many ways.

like i see people on facebook who have been dating each other for like 4 months and they say "i love you so much!" and honestly i don't think they do. or maybe they do, i have no right to say.

no, josh and i haven't said it to each other. so i'm saying i don't love him? i don't know. they are loaded words and by saying them i feel like the sense of commitment just increases by a lot.

today we went to the movies and right after it finished we were talking and i was smiling, no i was grinning, one of those wide spread truly happy smiles. i can't remember what he said or what we were talking about. all i remember was when i had that huge smile on my face it popped into my head to say "I love you." i didn't though.

i think the day i know i love him is when i don't think about saying it, i just do. it will just come out because i can't hold it in any longer. so i know it's my heart speaking and not my head.

ooooh so romantic and corny. you can't blame me, i just saw the first part of Breaking Dawn.

apparently my last post was in October. it's December now.

good going.

why haven't i posted in here? cause i talk to josh. and it seems stupid writing in this stupid thing. honestly. but often i still find myself thinking like i'm writing a blog post, or thinking about my possible future readers and how they're probably wondering about everything that's been happening in my life. but then again, i may never have future readers then all of this is for nothing. not really, its for me but whatever.

so next question. what made me write in it now? cause i'm in a horrible upset mood cause by not having anything to do and having no motivation to find anything. this is the first time this has happened in a while. it used to happen more often. but now that's its here it's pretty bad. i read for two hours so i didn't have to do anything else. i sat at the kitchen table and did nothing because i didn't know what to do. then i went up to my room and cried on my bed. now i'm doing this.

i hate freaking emotions and how i can't control. or i guess i can, i just don't have the willpower to do so.

i should just take a shower and get over myself. maybe i'll do that cause this is stupid.

i've been holding off this post as long as possible. it's my thousandth post. but i need to just write cause i'm kind of frustrated.

i'm frustrated at my jump position. it seems like to everyone else it just comes so naturally. they are able to get into their position and stay their wonderfully. and i really have to work and be thinking about it every second or else i look like crap. and it's obvious when i ride that i don't look good. my mom was making comments about it. and she wonders why i want her to delete every picture of me riding. cause i look like crap. and i can't jump. and it's not getting any better. no matter what anyone says, i know it isn't. and it's so freaking frustrating. i've been jumping just as long as maeve and longer than some of the other kids i ride with and yet i'm still not as good as them. it's stupid. it's a no brainer that i'll stop riding once i get into college. because i'm not good at it. end of story. i suck. no wonder no one comes to see me ride.

now i'm trying not to cry, i'm trying so hard that my jaw is all clenched up and it hurts. but i can't because i'm in the kitchen and maeve is right there and my mom is in the computer room.

i should talk about something good now since this is my 1,000th post. that's why every time i went to write a post I just didn't cause it was the 1,000th post and i wanted it to be good. but i've come to the conclusion that none of these posts are good so why try to make the 1,000th post any better.

i'm just in a horrid mood now. and i was in a better mood earlier today. but now i'm just gahh. thank goodness josh is texting me or else i would freak out. we talk all the time. legit. i don't know how we don't run out of things to say. i've talked to him almost nonstop for five months. the wonder of texting. well minus the whole china trip. i think it's the strangest thing how he's gone to my school since 8th grade and my best friend has dated his brother since 9th grade and i had never talked to him until like December and since then I haven't stopped talking to him. i don't get how it works.

anyways i was just telling him how this is my 1,000th post and now he wants to read it again so now i'm all self-conscious about what i'm writing. so i'll make a list of things to have to do.

- College essay
- Bentley supplement
- Activity description
- Put awards into common app
- Double check rest of common app
- Get my essay stuff together that is due tomorrow since i gave up on another draft
- Finish my spanish project for tuesday
- Practice saying my spanish project out loud since it has to be 10 minutes long

now i'm going to make a list of things i did this week and things i'm going to do next weekend

- Halloween committee meeting
- Went over Josh's house
- Riding lesson
- Corn maze
- Red Robin
- Watched Tangled
- Woke up at 5
- Horse show
- A week of school including shopping, riding babysitting, riding lesson, dressing up for halloween
- 4H Halloween party
- IEA horse show
- Horse judging practice
- One free day to do homework and maybe see my boyfriend

My life is crazy. I swear anytime I have a free day there's something out in the universe that says, uhhh nooo, Molly can not have free time, she must be doing something. So then I do something.

But I can't complain. I'm pretty sure I can find posts in this blog about how I did nothing and was so depressed. So I would rather be going to sleep at 10:30 every night after a day packed full of stuff. Eventually I might burn out but I'm still going strong. 5 am like yeah.

Now it's time for chinese dinner. I think that means the 1,000th post is over.

Just saying though that Josh and I found all the animals in the corn maze. Abby and Colin did not. My dad and Maura did not. Yeahhhhh. (:

i feel stupid.

i had a two hour nap today. i have take naps. i don't have time for naps. now i can't go to the barn. instead i'm writing an essay. then maybe if i have time working on a project due in a week that i haven't started. love school.

why me?

my family has really high expectations for everything, which makes us critical of everything, and makes us disappointment more often than not.

my stomach gives me away.

From "In The Time of Butterflies" by Julia Alvarez

"Thursday night, December 31
last day of this old sad year
I can write the saddest things tonight.
Here I am looking out at the stars, everything so sill so mysterious.
What does it all mean, anyway?
(I don't like this kind of thinking like Minerva likes. It makes my asthma worse.)
I want to know things I don't even know what they are.
But I could be happy without answers if I had someone to love.

And so it is of human life the goal
to seek, forever seek, the kindred soul.

I quoted that to Minerva before she left for Jarabacoa. But she got down our Gems of Spanish Poetry and quoted me another Poem by the same poet:

May the limitations of love not cas a spell
On the serious ambitions of my mind.

I couldn't believe the same man had written those two verses. But sure enough, there it was, José Martí, dates and all. Minerva showed me her poem was written later. "When he knew what mattered."
Maybe she's right, what does love come to anyway? Look at Papá and Mamá after so many years.
I can write the saddest things tonight."

right now I am so tired that I can't concentrate on anything. I'm trying to get homework done before I go to 4H but I just can't do it. like I'm so tired that nothing is sticking. it's only 6. like it's going to stick at 8 when i get home from 4h. this is a bit of a dilemma. i'll just have to deal with this later. cause now it's time to go to 4h.

i'm just gonna go feel sorry for myself a little more.

i don't want to go to sleep because i don't really want to deal with tomorrow. because tomorrow i have to do my homework. i have to figure out what i'm wearing to senior pictures. then i have to get dolly ready for senior pictures. then get myself ready. then go take those pictures. then i have to go to bed early cause i have school the next day. and then i have to babysit.

and today was a good day. so i'm trying to just hold onto it a little bit longer.

youtube and tumblr both aren't working. so i turn to blogger or else i'll have to put clothes away or go to the barn or do something productive, which i don't want to do. but so far i've had a good morning. i woke up at 8:30 and was going to go back to sleep but instead texting Josh until he left for work at 9. then i went back to sleep until 11. then i stayed in my bed on my laptop until 12. then i had some breakfast/lunch of leftover pizza. then i came back upstairs and watched youtube videos until they stopped working.

things that i should be doing: putting clothes away, getting dressed, going to the barn, doing homework, planning college visits

yeahhh not really feeling that. i'm just hiding in my room putting on chapstick. oh, my mom just came and visited me. how nice. except she left both of my doors open. i mean comeee onnn, now i have to get up, put my dirty clothes in the laundry room, shut my doors.

i have such a lazy life. but don't worry, i'm back to work again on tuesday. which is just babysitting twice a week. but i'm going to start tutoring too, which will be like work without getting paid. great.

i had an idea for a business though, which i should write down before i forget. but when kids go to visit colleges and take a tour there isn't a great follow up that i've seen. maybe like a thank you for visiting. but what they should have is a little survey. like who led your tour, what did you like about it, what didn't you like about it, are you going to apply, or why not. cause one of the reasons i'm not going to clarkson was cause of their crappy tour. but they'll never know that. how many prospective students are they missing out on because of a bad tour? so what my company would do is we would send some cookies or something along with a survey to the students who took a tour, the college would provide us with the name and address of the students and who led the tour. then these students would be like "oooh! cookies!" and it would take them two seconds to fill out this survey and send it back. and since it's from a third party, they won't feel bad if they tell the truth about the college. then of course when we receive these surveys back, we will give the information back to the college. and we could even take it one step more and look at trends, like everyone who had Eric as a tour guide said that they weren't going to apply. well now the college knows that they need to get rid of Eric as a tour guide. this sort of information could help the college to get more people to apply, and the more people, then the better the selection, and they could have the best students come to their college, which for some reason is important to college even though they'll all pay the same amount.

anyways yeah, that's why i want to be a business student.

only 10 more posts until 1,000

this is the 990th. if all is correct.
i let josh read my blog. for like 20 minutes while i was in the shower. hi josh, assuming i let you read more. he just read from about January to May. which is a lot. and today when i asked him what he thought about it he didn't tell me! we started talking about something else instead. so he needs to tell me, but now he's sleeping. or will be shortly.

but we went to the fair today. which was interesting. but i was reminded why i don't like rides. like even if i didn't get sick on that last one, the rides were just like why did we do that again? but yeah, on the ride i thought i would be fine on, i wasn't. that was a close one. but i've figured out my body pretty well so i know how to handle stuff and that one got better quickly, and i knew i was fine. so abby and josh who are reading this, stop worrying, and stop being sorry. i'll tell you when you need to hold me up in order for me to walk.

i don't know, i wish that hadn't happened but it's whatever. i'm used to stuff like that happening so it's no big deal. i'm fine. seriously.

now i don't know what else to write. i feel like i should be writing more. but i don't know. i guess i should just go to sleep. but i really feel like i should be saying more. whatever.

so today was the first day of school. and i could probably easily say that it was the best first day of school ever. maybe. as far as first days of schools go. and this was my last first day of high school. so yeah. it went well. it should be a good year. hopefully. if it isn't then at least i had a good first day. i'm not going to go through my whole day cause i just went through the whole thing with josh sooooo i don't feel like repeating myself.

that's all. i'm still considering letting josh read this. considering it. still thinking. we'll see. if i do, then hi josh! (:

hiii (:
tomorrow's the first day of school. bring it on. i'm so ready. well some more summer might be kind of nice but school probably won't be too bad either.
i don't know, i just feel like everything is so lovely now and while i'm a bit nervous that school will change that, i don't think it really will. i have that school figured out. like what side of the stairs to walk on so you don't get sun in your eyes.
and riding? i just survived boot camp and did well, i'm feeling really confident now.
and the friends i really care about are still there. while i haven't talked to abby recently, i know she's not just going to leave cause i haven't been able to see her recently. unlike katelyn who complains on her blog all the time about how she has no friends. oh really? and then dana is wonderful, the more time i spend with her at the barn, the closer i get to her. yesterday we just talked for like a half an hour. and then when we left she said that she loves me, which i said back. i can really only say that to two people outside of my family comfortably, Abby and now Dana. and my horse. but still it kind of startled me when Dana said it. maybe it's just cause i've sort of been thinking of those three words recently. but it doesn't mean the same thing when let's say Abby says it to me and when she says it to Colin. those silly three words can mean so many different things. but i'm not going to get into it. i kind of want to, but i'm sort of reluctant. so i'll just leave it.
i'm up kind of early, i wanted to sleep longer but Finn woke me up and I couldn't fall back asleep. I'll just go to bed early tonight. I still need to go get school stuff like notebooks, i have a bag and a pencil case, just nothing to put into that bag or case. and my room's a mess so i sort of have to put all my clothes away. but it's early so i still have plenty of time. i also have to find my phone charger cause that's missing and my phone's dead.
i've been listening to the song Hold by Superchick on repeat while I wrote this. yay.

just found out that my boyfriend and best friend are going to be on a cruise for my 18th birthday.
rock on.

so china and hong kong were cool.

hi. i missed you.
thank goodness Hong Kong allows access to facebook, youtube, and blogger.
now i'm going to go watch a bunch of youtube videos.
and i got into pottermore.
i'm in hufflepuff. which i'm kind of disappointed about. i kind of wanted ravenclaw. but oh well.
but yeahahahhah.

i just got suddenly really tired. i shouldn't be tired already. i have to be up until one in the morning.

i'm kind of nervous. and i don't want to write about this anymore. i'm too tired.

hi. tomorrow i'm going to China.
well I'm actually going to China at one am on tuesday.
but i'll be in the airport tomorrow night.

I am starting to pack a bit for China and I went to check the weather there and I go to the 10 day forecast and I realize that I'm going to be there half of those days. I'll know if there actually are scattered thunder storms or not. oh my goodness. just freaked myself out a bit.

I want to go to vidcon.

Really badly. Well I can't go this year. But next summer. Don't let me forget.

the rest of my summer in one post:

I can tell you pretty much what the rest of my summer is going to consist of, ready?

July:
26 - do nothing except go to the barn
27 - do something with the family, my mother mentioned zip lining, barn
28 - do nothing, maybe go to Morgan show, barn
29 - do nothing in the morning unless i can figure out how to see Josh, get ready for horse show
30 - horse show, maybe later if i'm up to it try to go to Josh's
31 - attempt to spend all day with Josh, pack

August
1 - travel to New York
2 - leave for China at 2 in the morning, spend the entire day on the plane, somehow end up in China on the 3rd
3 through 19 - be in China on a lovely family vacation maybe without my laptop, i must discuss that with my father
20 - spend another 8 or more hours on a plane, gain a day back
21 - horse judging, try to go see Josh
22 - attempt to spend all day with Josh, have to go to barn at one point
23 - try to see as many friends as possible (which applies from the 21st to now)
24 through 26 - go to riding hy with the 4H group and hope i have cell service
27 - go find my friends and do something with them, Cummington Fair?
28 through 30 - IEA camp, attempt to do things with people after camp for my last few days of summer
31 - try to enjoy my last day of summer

September
1 - school starts and summer vacation ends

It's 1am. I have no reason for being up this late.

so it's hard to imagine that in a little more than a week i'll be in China. that's kind of scary.

and it's going to be kind of hard. i won't be able to text anyone. facebook is banned in china. i'll have email and then skype either when i'm going to sleep or waking up, because of the 12 hour time difference. but it will just be so different. i'm used to have a constant conversation with Josh texting him all the time. and then I've seen him the past two days and i might again today or tomorrow. we'll see how the day goes.

i have to get ready to go to horse judging practice, which i really don't want to do. but whatever, i'll survive.

so it's been two months and i went back and reread all the posts from the week before we got together. and i got all smiley and happy and ahhhaha, even though that stuff all happened two months ago.

and he can still make my stomach do that flip floppy thing now.

goodness gracious.

Hi. My name is Molly. I'm 17 years old. I'm beyond lucky.

I wonder if there are a lot of other people who are as lucky as I am. You know, as in, they have a fabulous supportive family, a good head on their shoulders, and just so much. You never hear about them, because it's the less fortunate that seem to find their way into news stories. But it's those who don't have the spotlight who seem to be happiest. They're happy with their life, they don't go looking for anything, because they have it all. These people live their life with no ounce of recognition but they are still content, happy.

Right now I'm so happy and content with my life. So a thought just dawned on me, if I was given the opportunity to stay where I am now. 17. With my family. In high school. Happily falling in love. Would I? No, I wouldn't. While I know people when they grow up wish they could go back to when they were younger, I still have so much of my life. I want to see what I'm going to do with my life. I have so many opportunities and chances that I have yet to take. I know that I won't always be this happy, things will happen. Things that I don't want to happen. But that's part of it. Part of growing up. Part of life.

But the thing is, I don't have a choice, so it's probably a good thing that I'm okay with growing up. Because I know while this happiness won't last, different happiness will find it's way to me. I can't guess what it will be, but I'm sure it will be wonderful.

I hope when I read this back years from now, I am feeling happy. Not just the fleeting happiness that comes when you do one thing, but the kind that stays with you for days. For example, all I have done for the last five hours is hang around in my room and go on my laptop. Nothing happened to make me happy, I just am.

You might be questioning my logic. I'm only 17. So young. But to me I don't see my age like that. I am just who I am right now. I'm living and experiencing in this moment.

And I think I'm done with this post now.

I sneezed and I tear rolled down my face. Now I need a tissue. Too lazy to et up and get one. But I sort of have to. Be back.

Okay back.

It's funny to think about how I got here. Like I never would have guessed.

I don't know this is stupid now. Done.

my biggest fear is that he'll get sick of me. and change his mind. and be like "just kidding." and leave me forever.

so terrified.

why don't i post on here more often? i don't know, it seems stupid now. if i have something to say then i'll say it to people. actually i guess i'll be more specific, i'll say it to Josh cause i can talk about anything with him. i won't feel like i'm bothering him or feel stupid or like he has better things to be doing. so instead of writing in my blog i text josh. and that's pretty much why i don't post here. but i feel like i owe it to my future readers to at least keep writing a bit.

i got a 4 on my AP test. which is lovely. i was visiting Dartmouth with Bella, Lori, Dana, and Abby Szat, and my mom texted me saying mail from AP came in, and asked if i wanted her to open it. and i told her to. and i instantly texted Josh and told him and he of course says "im sure your scores will be good" which they were. and yepp, so i'm happy with that.

not really happy that i wasted my day at a college that doesn't even have an undergraduate business program. but whatever.

alright i'm feeling stupid writing this. i'm done.

when mommy is filling out forms you stay silent.
when we go to get our visas we will stay silent.
she has to do this right, or else we can't go.

When I go to China in 22 days I'm going to be about 6,733 miles, 10,835.8 kilometers, 5,850.8 nautical miles, 10,835,834.5 meters, 35,550,638 feet away from home.

so regionals went well. we didn't place well, but Dolly was so good. like incredibly good. and i didn't break down once, like there were no tears, there wasn't any extreme rage or being upset. Sunday when we got to the barn I was close, but I held in there. So this was probably one of the most successful, if not the most successful regionals in my opinion. not because of what i won, i did better in the placings when I rode Herbie, but because it was just all around great.

i love my family so much. and the group of people that i surround myself with there. i mean i enjoyed spending time with them. i enjoyed even more spending time with Josh. i was able to see him so much the last five days. Wednesday I went swimming at his house, Thursday I saw him in the evening, I was with him from Friday afternoon onwards, he came Saturday afternoon and stayed all day, and he was there the entire time I was there Sunday. That is a lot of time to spend at a horse show you aren't showing at. But he just hung out with me all day. He would come help me do whatever I had to do. Carry my stuff around. And help me get through everything. Maeve and I would have completely failed getting ready for trail class because my mom wasn't around because she went to watch Maura's class. But Josh was able to be there and help out. And that's just one example.

He taught me how to solve the rubik's cube. and we both taught Maeve. and really i just loved having him around. when they announced the trail results and they forgot to announce 10th place, and i didn't get anything, and everyone was sort of freaking out, he just kept holding my hand. i ended up getting 10th. and then when we wanted to leave but had to stay because i was getting an award, and then they didn't end up awarding them, he just stayed through it.

i have no idea why he does what he does for me. i don't really understand it. but i am so glad he does.

back when we first got together, which is a little less than two months ago, i was afraid that it wouldn't work out because we wouldn't get along when we were by ourselves without Abby and there. but really since we've gotten together we've spent so much time just the two of us, or with my family, or his, and it's so wonderful. and i'm so glad. it's kind of weird when you think about it that my bestfriend has been dating his brother for almost three years, and then we just got together now. but i think it all works out. because even if Abby wasn't dating Colin or Colin wasn't Josh's brother, we would still be happy together, because that doesn't really matter. sure that's what helped get us together in the first place, but that's not what is keeping us together now.

is it weird that i miss him and even though i just saw him yesterday? it's just that i don't know when the next time i'll be able to see him will be. today he's working and then his house is going to be crazy cleaning because his grandparents from Texas are coming up tomorrow. and they'll be here for two weeks. and he has stuff going on in the evening until Friday. so maybe this weekend i'll be able to see him. i'll have the meet the relatives.

oh, i never mentioned that i've been officially added to their wall of pictures. i saw it on Wednesday when i was over there eating Chinese. it made me happy. Wednesday seems like it was so far away ago, since I've gone through regionals since then.

i love being able to sit here and type on my computer and just feel happy. not for any specific reason. just because i'm happy with my life. i mean i have a wonderful family, a wonderful horse, wonderful friends, and a wonderful boyfriend. when Josh and I video chatted yesterday everytime I looked at him, I couldn't help but smile. which is kind of creepy. but i don't know. we wouldn't even say anything, we would just look at each other on the computer screen and smile. and yeah. i could think of a million more things to say about Josh. like how he gets along so well with my family, and how Maeve, Bella, Maura, Josh, and I all played cards are regionals and it was so nice. and how i'm beginning to be able to tell what mood he's in, which is hard to do, but i can just sort of tell. and how when i posted on tumblr, "hi. i have the best boyfriend ever." he replied on tumblr with "and i have the best girlfriend ever." and how in the morning when he wakes up he texts me and says even though he knows i'm still sleeping he was thinking about me and wanted to text me. and yeah. now i'm talking about him like he puts the stars in the sky. okay stopping now.

and i'm glad I'm talking to Abby now. i miss talking to her. we haven't talked recently. and i haven't seen her recently either. but i still love her very much. and yeah. my life is so wonderful. so happy. okay. i think i should end this post now.

hi. i am so tired and kind of in a bad mood so if anything comes off badly in this post, you know why.

so i got distracted and now i don't feel like posing anything.

but Josh is absolutely amazing. thank the Lord that he was at regionals with me all weekend. well practically all weekend. i probably would have freaked out more than once if he wasn't there just holding my hand. i don't have the words to say how great he is and how grateful i am to have him. i'm so lucky.

a few of the reasons why i like Josh waaaay a lot.

- he video chatted with me for 5 and a half hours yesterday. do you realize how long that is?
- we found out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop. do you know how long it takes to lick a lollipop 2,430 times? and how unenjoyable it is?
- we sang along to the CD i made him the entire time we were in the car and made it all the way through the whole CD. i love hearing him sing, especially when it's to me, and especially especially when it's the CD i made for him.

when was the last time i posted in here? op, tuesday. now it's saturday. yeah i've been busy. the horse show went well, Josh came even though I was like it probably won't be that good. the only thing that drove me crazy was the fact that we messed up our jump course, i really wanted to do it again.

fireworks last night were lovely. i have bruises on my side from where i was laying on the back of the truck. i could just stay there with Josh forever. but by the end i was so tired. like i couldn't even think straight. i'm glad i got home.

now i have to go charge my cellphone, cause Josh got a new one, and see if my report card and schedule came. byee.

just talking to him puts me in such a good mood.
like all day today sucked and i wasn't able to text him but then he comes online and i instantly am so much happier.
i miss hearing my phone vibrating and knowing it's from him and rushing to see what he said.
but instead i'm stuck talking to him online when we're both home.
four hours on facebook chat really doesn't beat texting him all day.

i'm going crazy not being able to text josh. like it's killing me. i keep wanting to check my phone. this will be the first time where i am home and he doesn't text me. blahh.

woke up on my birthday in a bad mood, went to sleep on my birthday in a bad mood.

it all works out nicely, doesn't it?

so for my birthday Josh gave me the picture of us at prom framed, two actually. and it made me cry a bit. because it reminded me about how i completely messed up prom by going with the wrong guy. and really i just want to forget that night all together. but now i have these lovely pictures to remind me. and yeah. i would have been happier with a necklace, like everyone else got me, or a ring. and now i'm just blah. but it is the only picture we have together, just the two of us. but yeah.

birthday, again.

so far on my birthday i have:
- woken up to my alarm at 8 o'clock.
- saw that no one texted me.
- have my dad ask me how i am, without wishing me happy birthday.
- have my mom wish me happy birthday.
- have my mom suggest that the workers sing me happy birthday in Ukraine
- burn my bagel for breakfast.
- eat this bagel anyways.
- Josh text me before he's about to go to work, informing me that he's about to go to work.
- look at everyone who said happy birthday on my facebook wall already, half of them wouldn't know it was my birthday if i didn't have it listed.
- be reminded that i have to share my birthday with Nate Boutlier.
- have my aunt text me happy birthday.
- and now i have to leave for camp.

we're off to a great start.

so i like fireworks. i do not like the fact that someone we ended up sitting next to obnoxious kids from our school but we didn't actually socialize with them so it was fine. and i like having Josh drive me around. and i like when we sing in the car along to the CD i made him and how he knows the words better than i do to some songs. i do not like that i have to wake up at 8 tomorrow. and it's almost midnight now. i like that tomorrow's my birthday and i get to see Josh and Abby and everyone one again.

really that's the only thing my birthday is good for, giving me the excuse to have a bunch of people over the pool, and the chance the eat ice cream. pretttty much it. but it should be good. minus the whole waking up and dealing with horse camp. but horse camp shouldn't be that bad either.

but i'll be going to sleep soon, cause Josh should be arriving at his house in around 5 minutes. but only 35 minutes until my birthday. too bad i can't really stay up for it. well i could, we'll see what time Josh texts me and how tired I am. wait, did i just ask that? yeah i'm tired enough to have been asleep hours ago. and probably should have so i'm not exhausted for horse camp. whatever, it's summer. you know what i'm going to do? i'm going to go look at posts from last horse camp.

okay I didn't find anything about horse camp but look what I did find:

TUESDAY, JUNE 15, 2010

11th grade. read this. k?
this isn't really about 11th grade because i don't feel like a junior yet. juniors are old. i'm not old.

this is about a resolution i am making for 11th grade. this is if there is someone in the class that a) i think would make a good friend b) is very cute c) would like to know better d) for some reason i just want to talk to...i will talk to them. i will talk to them more than once. i will make an effort to get to know them. not just an effort. a big effort. unless i find out there are a completely jerk/creeper/dud/woahno. because i could give you a list of people this year who i would have liked to have gotten to know but i didn't because i never took the first step and said hi to them. so nothing happened. next year, i'll talk to everyone though and i won't miss out on anyone.

there you go. now i am going to get something to eat and go babysit because this resolution does not effect me until September 3rd 2010. boom.

I forgot about that but hi Josh Rivard, that would be you. so i guess i could say i fulfilled my resolution, if that's what you do with resolutions, or is it keep? don't you keep your resolutions.

i don't know. anyways i'm going to take out my contacts cause Josh will be home soon and then I'll be going to sleep! less than 30 minutes until i'm 17.

such a crazy weekend.

let's see. when did i last post? oh right, thursday night when i stayed up until past midnight talking to josh for 5 hours.

well friday i went and worked in the office in the morning. then i went to the barn to get ready for the horse show. didn't finish getting ready. then went to an interview for states which took forever. but i got in. and then i went back to the barn at 9:30 at night and finished braiding.

saturday i woke up at 5:30 in the morning. went to a horse show. had my horse buck and act weird at the canter. whatever. then i went home, took a shower, and got ready to go to taylor swift. then we went and saw Taylor Swift.

let me just say I'm so glad Josh came. i wouldn't have wanted anyone else there with me. it started pouring rain, like extreme pouring, but we just stuck it out. at the end we were just hugging each other trying to give each other body heat it was so cold and wet. but i loved it. i loved it so much. because that's the kind of thing you're going to remember. "remember when we went to the Taylor Swift concert and it poured?" on the way home he got "yelled" at because he was trying to tell scary stories but Maeve was having none of it. but then my mom shut him up by saying that she had the power to ground me. that would be the only thing that was sort of bad. but seriously, it could have went so much worse. especially since Maeve, my mom, and I were exhausted from waking up at 5:30. Maeve got mad at us once because she was filming herself and we were jumping around behind her and when she asked what we did, i was just laughing. we were under instructions not to be lovey-dovey but that didn't happen. the only time Maeve got mad at me for that was when Josh was showing me that his goldfish didn't have a smile and I ate it. but I'm smiling remembering that. Maeve will understand eventually when it's like to have someone who just makes you so happy.

and when he got tired of playing with the glowsticks we both fell asleep but we were holding hands the whole time. it was so great waking up and having his hand holding mine. and then tonight i get to go see the fireworks with him. and then tomorrow he gets to come over to the pool so i get to spend that night with him too.

i'm so exhausted though. even though i slept until 2:30 this afternoon. and i'll be even more tired after staying out for the fireworks. and tomorrow i have to wake up early for horse camp. but that's what the summer is about.

i love it. (:

josh just corrected me and said it's actually closer to five hours.

alright then, great.

up to four hours now.

i have talked to Josh on facebook chat for more than 3 hours straight. well minus 20 minus when i took a shower.

and i still don't want to stop talking to him.

why do i put myself in situations where i am freaking out waiting for someone to respond? ahhh. i could have just not sent that and been happy coming up with something else. now i'm dying. ahh. i can't even check to see if he's typing. what if. ah. no. shouldn't have. fuck. stupid molly. way to bring something lighthearted into something completely different. wayyy to gooo. scroll on tumblr. scroll scroll scroll. try not to think. oops. ahh.


ahhhahhhahahahhhhahahahahahhhhhahhahh.

i'm just so lucky. goodness. i don't know what i did to end up with josh. i'm just so lucky. and thankful.

but i have my new summer schedule.
9:00am-12:00pm - wake up but then go back to sleep
12:00pm - go downstairs
whenever I'm ready - go to the barn
whenever I'm done at the barn - eat food and shower
whenever i'm down with that - go to Josh's house
10:30pm - leave Josh's house
11:00pm - arrive at home
12:00am-12:30am - go to sleep

and that's the basic schedule.

if it was up to me, my schedule would just consist of me living at Josh's house, but ya know.

it's been one month since we almost all died!

also known as the rapture. or the day that Josh and I got together. I'm surprised he remembered.

M: "Isn't today the 1st day of summer anyways?"
J: "it is indeed the first day of summer! And it is also another day today as well. =)"
M: "another day? Ohhh, one month right?"
J: "It is indeed one month, another day, and the beginning of summer rolled into one =)"
M: "Jeez, we get together on the day of the rapture, then our one month is on the 1st day of summer. XD"
J: "Haha, wonder what next month will be? Maybe aliens will invade the earth? XD"
M: Whoo knows, a long as it doesn't kill us then it's good. XD"
J: "that's true, as long as the world doesn't end then we're all set!"

but yep. one month. it really doesn't seem that long, yet it seems longer at the same time. like it's like "wow, it's already been a month." but then it seems like Josh and I have been "together" for longer. it seems like he's always been there.

it's weird though. you see Abby who's obviously in love and has been for a while, she's been with Colin for close to three years. and to me three years seems like such a long time. i'm not in love right now. there's a good chance i will be eventually, but i haven't fallen completely yet. i don't think you can. you have to seriously know someone to fall in love with them. there's none of that love at first sight nonsense. and love is such a scary and big word. i want to be careful with it. i want to save it until there is no doubt in my mind. i don't want to regret saying it later and be like, i actually wasn't in love. i only want to say it if it's true.

right now i'm so happy and content with my life. sure, that could change any second, but i'm going to enjoy it while i got it.

i am not sure what else to talk about. how i'm going to be 17 on monday. which is ridiculous. i just turned 16. i'm too little to be 17. i mean birthdays are nice, but not that nice. really it's silly that people give me all this attention all because i was born on a certain day. but hopefully this birthday goes nicely. it's the first day of horse camp then i'm having people over to the pool. i'm a bit worried about how my grampa will act, cause you know how he can be. especially since my gramma won't be there. and i was just going to invite Abby and the Rivards but then Dana was asking what I was doing, so I invited her over too. which means i'll probably invite Bella too. but then that leaves me with the question of if I should invite Katelyn. honestly, i don't think i would want her there. but then if she sees pictures and know that i didn't invite her, she'll be pissed. so pissed. oh well. that's what she always says.

i still feel like writing more but i don't have anything to really write about. so i guess that's it.

every single time when i say i have to go he tells me to stay.

what will happen if one day i do?

i love children. fun day was fun. i love listening to the kids talk to each other and their reasoning behind things. they are so precious and innocent and wonderful.

i was going to talk about AP some but now I don't want to. so here you go.

done with junior year of high school forever.

i can't believe it.
it feels like it is the beginning of junior year and i still have a ton of AP work, a ton of hard classes to get through, SATs, and just a ton of other crap to do.
but it's all done. and i have nothing.
thank goodness.

i never would have guessed this is where i would be at the end of junior year. the biggest thing is having a boyfriend. nope. wouldn't have guessed that. but even more than that. i think i'm a better person now. after going through AP and everything in junior year I feel like i'm only stronger.

who would i have thought this is where i would be? and i am so happy with where i am. i can't believe it. i wouldn't change a thing in my life right now. so happy.

great father's day.

Molly: "I need one more personal trait or quality for my state horse show application, I already have hardworking and my experience and knowledge in 4H"
Maeve: "Oh, I put sportsmanship"
Molly: "I like that, but I don't want to copy you"
Maura: "Creative"
Molly: "Yeah, but that doesn't have anything to do with it"
Daddy: "Levelheaded"
Maura: "Your academic stuff"
Molly: "Doesn't have to do with it"
Daddy: "Bad driver"

Thanks so much Dad. Love you too.

so a little while ago my eye got all itchy and red. i think i must have gotten cat hair or dandruff or something in it because apparently i was sitting in the "cat chair." after a few minutes of it not getting better and getting worse i had to run upstairs and take my contacts out and put my glasses on. my eye still hurts now. i don't know if it's still red. let me get photobooth up and check. oh yep, it's still red. not as bad as before. before it was all completely red. now it's just a little red. and it hurts. it still hurts a lot. ow.

i just freaking want to be with him right now.

does this wear off? the constant thinking? and longing? will eventually i stop wanting to be with him all the time?

so today sort of sucked.

only sort of though. ready?

- woke up at 7:30.
- got to horse judging practice at 9. didn't actually start judging until close to 10.
- watched conformation classes with the same horses.
- one of the most boring three hour periods of my life.
- left at 11ish and went to the car wash.
- was completely not dressed for a car wash outside in 80 plus degree weather.
- washed cars.
- our group for the trip to spain fundraised almost 500 dollars, 100 of which came from my family. cause my mom and dad are like that.
- went home for 20 minutes.
- went to Bella's to work on the costume at 4.
- was there until past 7.
- go home and now everyone is snappy and hungry and tired.
- put leftover spaghetti and meatballs on my plate. then realize there's no sauce. eat the spaghetti without sauce, which is so gross.
- drive to the barn at 7:45.
- while backing out of my driveway, hit the dumpster that is taking up my parking spot, and my dad's car. now i have a nice scratch on my car.
- cry a bit in the car on the way to the barn because of exhausted and frustration.
- send Josh a novel for a text.
- ride Dolly.
- Dolly and Josh make me feel better.
- put Dolly away.
- go home at 9:30.
- eat cake.
- watch youtube.
- go hide in room with laptop and cellphone.
- text josh.
- check tumblr and freak out when you check Josh's tumblr because he posts things like: "I just want to see that wonderful smile, hear that beautiful laugh, and hold you tight in my arms."

so the whole day wasn't bad, just parts of it. and i'm so tired and i don't know why i'm still up. oh wait, i do. because i'm texting josh. now i'm going to reread that tumblr post and some of the cute texts he has texted me today and wait for him to text me back, or for my phone to give me the text because it's being evil tonight. but that's all. tomorrow i'm sleeping until forever.

ahhh i wish i could spend every freaking day over there "watching movies." Abby, I only watched the first two as well. No idea what happened in any of the other ones. Actually I did watch a bit of the beginning of Holes but then yeah no.

but i am just so happy and in a good mood. and goodness. i can't tell myself anymore that i might not like him as much as he likes me. cause when we weren't making out, i wasn't watching the movie then either, i was watching his face, or burying in my face in his shirt. and i loved just talking to him and annoying Abby and just being silly and whyyy did i have to leave?

and abby i really don't care what you say or do cause nothing can really bring me down or annoy me. well right now. ask me tomorrow at 7 when i have to wake up.

i'm so so lucky.

i don't know how i got so lucky. like it baffles my mind how lucky i am. and i am so grateful and appreciative and oh my goodness i don't understand how come i'm so lucky. i wish i could give my luck away to people. just give the good parts of my life away to people who really need it, just to make their life a little bit better. but i can't really, i can't change my luck, so i'm stuck with all of it. not complaining. not complaining at all.

just looking at my life everything is so right. and even if everything came crashing down right now, i would still be so lucky. i'm smart and it comes naturally to me. i have never gotten below an 80 on a report card (that could be changing soon, who knows). and i think that's a combination of luck and hard work. yes, i do work hard for those grades. i put a lot of effort into school, but i know that it comes more naturally to me than it does to others, which is why i'm lucky. i'm lucky i got that scholarship. i got it because of my leadership stuff in 4H, and i do work there, i worked to become president after years of not being elected as president. i kept getting back up. but i'm still lucky i won that. i'm even more lucky that my parents have enough money to send me to college wherever i want, and they'll let me go wherever i want, even if i have a scholarship somewhere else. my parents. oh my goodness, i am so lucky i have my parents and they are who they are. they are the most understanding, hardworking, amazing parents. my mom left my boyfriend and me home alone today. she completely trusts me. of course, we didn't tell my dad. i don't think my dad even knows that Josh was over and i'm not going to be the first one to tell him. but my parents let me do whatever i want really. they trust me. they know that i'll tell them what i'm doing and i'll do what i say and i won't be stupid. i'm lucky i'm not stupid, meaning i'm lucky i was born with common sense. i'm lucky i was born in the United States. i'm lucky i have all these privileges and rights and a roof over my head and food to heat. i'm lucky to have the amazing boyfriend i have. i'm just so lucky.

so so so so so lucky. i just...i'm just so lucky.

not going to study for english. so i'll just fail. i just can't. i'm too tired and i wouldn't be able to remember anything anyways. this sucks. i'll just won't get into college because of 11th grade english.

one more freaking day.

i only have one more day as a junior. thank the lord.

but really junior year went by fast. really fast. want to hear what i said the first day of school?

"yep and it's over. it was a typical first day, nothing special.
my predictions:
English, Spanish, and (MAYBE) History will be the best subjects.
Chemistry and Math will be the worst subjects. (but Kellie is in my math class! so excited! she is my friend from the barn who is a SENIOR, what?)
Ceramics depends on if i find someone to be friends with. right now i'm sitting at a table with two seniors who just ignored me and i just ignored them. i could sit with two other juniors who i don't really know and a sophomore. but i don't know. i just want a friend in that class. like Ally last year. ):"

umm, fairly accurate excepted english sucked and spanish wasn't all that great. i didn't really like any of my classes, other than history, and the only reason why i didn't die this year in my classes is because of Katelyn. i'm going to have to stretch myself next year when Katelyn isn't in all my classes.

and the rest of my first and second day posts has stuff to do with Adam. amazing how things change in one year. but have they really? am i a different person now than i was when i started school? i want to say yes but i have no evidence to back that with.

but hey i survived junior year. apparently i freaked out the second day of school. but it wasn't really all that bad.

i think i must have changed because i can't standing reading any more posts i made back in the beginning of September. just because i know how my brain worked and how i was just holding on to every little thing, hoping, wishing, imagining, but never doing anything. i think that might be where i changed. i actually do things now. not drastically. but i must have done something to end up with a boyfriend.

i wish someone could just lay it out all for me and be like "Molly, throughout your junior year of high school you have changed in the following ways:" and then list them all out for me. i like being able to see progress. that's assuming i actually grew and made progress. who knows.

i'm not even stressing right now. what could i be stressing about? history project, research paper, finals. ehh whatever. my life is going to be amazing in exactly one week. one weeeeek.

i'm so excited. tomorrow i have a busy day. after my last full day of classes i have a hair cut, then ground work lesson with Laura, a research paper to finish, and an english final to study for. then Wednesday after my english final and after he takes his 2nd period final, Josh is coming to the barn to see me ride (he wants to! i offered to ride earlier but he wanted to see me ride) and then he's coming over my house and we'll have to figure out lunch, and then i'm going to make him study for my finals the next day with me, and i have to finish the 6th grade slideshow. and then thursday i have math and spanish finals, then a riding lesson, then Maura's graduation. and friday i have chemistry final then the plan is to go to 6 flags, but we'll see if that happens. then saturday i have horse judging practice, then car was for the spain trip, and then i feel like there is something else. then sunday is father's day. then monday i have history final and fun day. and tuesday i have nothing and wednesday i have nothing and thursday i have nothing and friday i have nothing and saturday i have nothing and sunday i have nothing and monday's my birthday and i have horse camp. do you know how nice that is? to have nothing. i can do whatever i want. i'm so excited. we so excited, Rebecca Black and I, we so excited.

alright this is a long and pointless post. peace out homedoggie dogs.

"i think when you're young, you're hoping that this person will be the right one, the one you're going to be in love with forever. but sometimes you want that so much you create something that isn't really there" - Johnny Depp.

that would be a quote that came up on my tumblr dashboard. and it scares me because it could be right and it's probably right. i don't even want to think about it being right though. so i'm going to ignore it.

i have nothing else to talk about. that just killed me.

i always hate saying goodnight. i feel like i should be saying something else to him. but i don't know what so instead i sort of stare at the phone and have this feeling in my belly. ah. i just don't want to stop talking to him. and i feel like i should be telling him all the time how much i like him and how much i like talking to him and how grateful i am that he talks to me at all, but you can't just text that all before you go to sleep. sometimes i try to slip something like that in. like last night when i said "in case you forgot, i like you sorta a lot" just because whenever i say goodnight i feel like i should be saying something more but i don't know what. so now i'm going to go figure out something to say tonight then go to sleep.

goodnight.

i slept through my lesson today. i slept for almost 12 hours last night. and i'm still tired. and i don't feel good. i just want to go back to sleep. and you know that you're sick when your mom tells you that you don't have to ride.

what i really should be doing now is working on my research paper but i don't want to. i really should seeing as i don't even have one page done, it has to be 7 pages, and it's due on wednesday.

i'm looking at colleges instead and beginning to plan out which ones i want to see when we go to New York to get our visas to go to China. and do you know that Clarkson is five hours away? it is all the way in Northern New York, it isn't even close to New York City. i'm still playing around with the idea of Clarkson in my head. if i don't go there and make my parents pay all that money for another school when it would have been so much cheaper at Clarkson because of my scholarship i will feel so bad. so i'm just praying that I like Clarkson. it isn't a top school like the other ones i've been looking at but at least it has a good business program.

but i won't be going to college if i don't get this research paper done.

stupid sickness.

i guess it wasn't a completely typical fainting episode, it was a bit worse. one reason i already said, because usually i can go back to normal at school and don't have a killer headache. unfortunately today i had to go home and had a lovely headache. and now talking about headaches is giving me one. did you notice i used the adjectives "killer" and "lovely" to describe the same headache? hmm. interesting. but another reason why it was typical is because i fell asleep from 4:15 to 5:15, while i was texting josh. i just fell asleep. i've never done that before. i barely ever take naps because i can never fall asleep. and even when i'm texting josh at night before i fall asleep i have never fallen asleep on him. and today i did. and i slept for a whole hour. and then after i woke up and texting him and Abby i went back to sleep at 5:30, expecting not to sleep for that long, and then if i was feeling better i could head over to the show at 7. nope. i slept until 7:20. i guess i could have gone to the show late but sleeping for 3 hours sort of showed that i wasn't feeling well. and i didn't want to pass out during the show because the i would really freak josh out.

i really wish i was there though. i think this is the first show of Abby's at the high school that i've missed. actually i might have missed one when I was in Tobago. and i know once when she had a show at a different high school i wasn't feeling up to it. but i go to all of Abby's things, even if they aren't at the school. i've gone to both Northampton and South Hadley to watch her. and i really wanted to be at this show. cause in addition to seeing Abby perform I would have gotten to see Josh and i'm not going to get to see him at all this weekend because tomorrow i have my riding lesson then i'm babysitting and sunday i have to do homework since i didn't do any today and work on the slideshow. i might be able to sneak in seeing him on sunday but i also don't want my parents and sisters to start complaining about how i see josh all the time. i just have to wait for the summer then i can see him more. and katelyn had cookies for me too.

i hate being sick. i think i'm going to go put on a movie and probably fall asleep.

it had to happen at least once this school year.

yep. passed out. well close. i'm so used to it now that it's no big deal. i was in english class and at the beginning of class i was fine and we were talking about the book The Things They Carried and Vietnam war and throughout the class it kept getting hotter and hotter. well the classroom might have been the same temperature but i was getting hotter and hotter. and i almost made through class. almost. but then i reached that point where i knew it wasn't going to get better. so i just got up and started walking out and ms. messmer just waved me out, i was probably completely pale at that point. and i walked down to the nurses office as my vision was getting blurry and i felt like i was going to throw up. i was afraid i wasn't going to make it to the nurses. but i got there and i sat down waiting and it wasn't feeling any better so i went in the bathroom and threw up. and then i felt a bit better. and then the nurse made me lie down and gave me an ice pack. and called my mom. and i didn't want to go home so the nurse gave me a half an hour and if i still wasn't feeling a hundred percent then she was going to make me go home. after a half an hour usually i'm fine when something like this happens but not today, i had a horrible headache. and then after 45 minutes i knew that i should just go home because after a while i might feel better but there was still a chance that i would pass out again. i didn't feel like pushing it. i was lucky that i got down to the nurses in time, next time i might have not been so lucky.

so the nurse called my mom and i asked if i could send a note to my sister so she knew to take the bus home. i did that and i also wrote one for Abby and Josh since they would be wondering where the heck i was. then josh texted me when he was at lunch, apparently i scared him with the note, which was not my intent! i just didn't want him to be wondering where i was.

but now i'm eating ice cream, drinking water, and just chilling. i'm really tired and i still have a headache and i'm weak. and yeah. if i was at school i would have five minutes left in chemistry then going to history. op. guess we're not doing the history presentation today.

so yep. only two days of classes left for me now.

i feel like i owe you a blog post, my future readers.

just because if this does make it huge you'll be wondering where i am and what i'm doing.

i'm here and i'm not doing much. i'm just plugging away. things are different a bit but not a ton. like now i talk to Josh all the time about most everything. like he knew I was going to China days before i told Abby, i didn't even feel the need to tell her. and Josh was the first one, actually the only one, who i told that i bought a horse. now you might be thinking i'm ditching my friends but i'm not at all. i never realized how much i just threw my life into their faces. now i'm only doing that to josh. i've barely talked to Abby, but she hasn't texted me either. it's not like we're suddenly not talking, i'm just not texting her first everyday like i used to. it's not bad, it's just different.

i'm still getting used to it. i'm still afraid i'll do something stupid and mess everything up. and i still don't get how come he likes me so much. everyday when i ask him how his day was he'll mention something about how it was good because he saw/talked/got to be with me. still don't get it.

school's going fine though. only three more days of classes. it doesn't seem like it can just end. this has been my life since september and then suddenly i don't have to go anymore. but i'm ready. i'm so ready to be done with school and get into carefree summer.

but my life is so fabulous right now. i really need to thank my parents. they are so fabulous and awesome and i love them so much. they do so much for me. my mom brought us to see the glee concert two nights in a row with friends. they bought all those tickets, 13 total, and gave away 6 of them to our friends. i can't think of any other parents who would do that for their children. also they let me sleep in the days after the concert. and apart from that they run their own company and go through all that stress just so that we can have a better life. they do so much. i can't think of any other parents that do more for their children. i will forever be grateful for my parents. i hope one day i'll be able to give back something, i know i'll never be able to repay them for everything but i would love to give them something and then be the kind of parents they were to me to my children.

and school's fabulous too. i won the highest award our school gives. i got a scholarship for $44,000; $11,000 for each year. that's a lot of money. i always told my parents that i would go to school on a scholarship because i didn't want to make them pay. and i already got one. my hope is just that i fall in love with Clarkson so i want to go to school there. but if i don't like it, i know my parents will pay for me to go someplace i want to go, because we already covered how fabulous they are. but just getting that award is fabulous. so fabulous.

and Dolly is great. other than the fact that she has lime disease. but that's treatable so it's not a big deal. and i'm making Josh come over to the barn a week from tomorrow and if i ride when he's there then he will become my first friend not from the barn to see me ride, even though i've been riding for almost seven years.

it's hard to think that in a week and a weekend i'll be a senior. i just have to get through a history project, a research paper, and five finals, then i'll be done. i'm way too young to be a senior.

it's it always calm before a storm? or is it calm after a storm? i'm a bit afraid that since my life is so great right now that something will happen. but i'm not going to think about that, i'm going to enjoy it. i'm going to enjoy my summer with my license. my i got my license Dana told me that having my license would change my life and it has, it has made my life so much better. it's so lovely being able to drive wherever, whenever.

um what else? i wish you could tell me what you're thinking so i could then write about that.

oh, Riker Lynch is my new favorite actor from Glee. he's just precious.

i think i'm going to end this post and then stay up late talking to Josh, cause that's what i do.

hi.

the last time i posted here was on sunday. that seems like ages ago.

since then i've gotten a scholarship, seen Glee live twice, bought a horse, and gotten completely overwhelmed with life.

yay for molly.

i thought i really wanted to write a blog post but now i'm not even sure that i do. sucks for you.

i could just talk with him all day. listen to him talk. talk to him. play with his hands. just stay in his arms.

i didn't even realize how hungry i was until i left his house and was driving home. yep. didn't eat dinner until 9:30.

alright going to sleep now.

i destroyed the SATs.

like they were easy peasy. i'm the type of person made to take SATs. or the SATS were made for people like me. i take tests well. i know pretty much all the information on it. i'm pretty sure i did well on them. not being cocky or anything, but i just think i did. i was pretty confident in most of my answers.

and Dolly was so good at the show. it just makes me want summer so bad. you don't realize how much i just want these projects to be over with but i don't want to do them. they are just so stupid.

and i should go to sleep because i'm going over Josh's tomorrow but i have things to do in the morning before i do so. and i'm kind of nervous but at the same time not really. i don't know. sometimes i feel like there are so many expectations on this relationship. and he always freaks me out by posting stuff on his tumblr, especially since i know most of what he posts is directed at me.

i got my flip cam today. it's going to take a while to get used to using that. but i'm sure i'll do it. Maeve and I will figure it out and get our videos up. hopefully she'll be over her bad mood in the morning.

um. i think this is done. i really just need to go to sleep now. and i really need to do work tomorrow. and i'm just burnt out of school stuff. i really want to be done. can we just fast forward through the next 16 days? please please please.

two and a half years. countless miles. five vet checks. thousands of dollars. for what? one horse.
first was AJ. he actually made it to the barn then after taking off on me twice, one of which i fell off, then he was gone.
vet check on Vanessa, but the vet said she was older than what they said so we didn't buy her.
Pride. had him for a year and a half. things never got better. they got worse.
then we had Wylie at the barn for a week but he was lame.
and now we have Dolly. and i firmly believe she is the reason why none of the other horses worked out. we just get along so well together. like today i was leading her down the aisle and i hear someone behind me so i turned my head to look and she turns her head the same time. and just riding around i can leave her alone how i like to ride horses and she's so laid back and fabulous. i just really hopes she stays this way and that she is good at the show tomorrow. did i tell you that the vet said the only reason why this horse wouldn't win at a show is because of the rider. which is freaking good. that means the horse is perfect and i just have to be perfect and we'll be wracking up those championships.

i'm trying to find the motivation to do something because i am going to have absolutely no time to do anything. but i can't find it. oh well.

you know what i like? that people are talking about me. well i don't know for certain but i am pretty darn sure that people probably are or already have. but why does that make me happy? because i don't care. i guess that doesn't make sense. but i guess i like that my happiness is the subject of conversation. i like that i'm happy in my life and that other people are jealous of me so they have to talk about me. sure maybe they say bad stuff or maybe they don't really care but i'm sure a lot of people have said "Molly and Josh are dating?" and who knows what they think about that but i don't careee cause i'm happyyyy.

that doesn't make much sense. i know what i'm trying to say but i might have not done a good job getting that across. i was texting Josh and watching Shaytards at the same time i was writing that. How about i watch the rest of shaytards and then reread it and see how it sounds.

okay, what i think i like the most is that i can hold my head high and smile and be happy with my life and not give a crap that people are talking about me when i'm not around. cause i'm happy.

sure, the happiness might not stay. or be exactly the same forever. but it's here. and i like it. and i'm going to hold on to it as long as i can.

happy happy.

i wasn't going to write a blog post today because i didn't want to, but i also don't want to go to sleep, even though i'm tired.

my life has just been lovely lately. and now that i'm saying that it probably won't be. i have an absolutely fabulous boyfriend. i have an absolutely amazing horse. and i have given up caring about anything at school. research paper? ehh, who cares. history project? whatever. spanish test tomorrow? ehhh. chemistry problems? not feeling those. SATs? no big deal. i have 20 days then i'm done. i'm not going to worry about anything. i'll do what i want to do and not stress about it. maybe that's not the mind set i should have if i want to keep my grades up, but i don't care right now. so whatever.

and i'm so tired. but i don't care about that either. in 21 days i can sleep as late as i want. just get through these 21 days.

alright now i'm about to fall asleep at my computer so i guess it's time i head up to bed.

i don't get to take a shower because of the thunder storms and tornados and stuff and i ain't waking up early so everyone will just have to deal with me smelling like horses. sorrrry but i don't care at all.

avoiding doing homework.

i just don't want to do it. so i'm procrastinating. i don't even have anything to say. sorry. this is boring.

i went to the parade this morning which was nice. then the barn was fabulous because my horse is absolutely perfect. we just have to work on our canter transitions but she is so good. she isn't freaked out by anything. she has a great headset and she's so comfortable and responsive and she just stays on the cross-ties and we are going to kick butt this summer. as long as she only improves from now.

alright, i really should do homework. really don't want to.

random pet peeve.

when people correct other people's spelling, especially on facebook. i must admit i used to do it but now i think it is annoying and rude. they made a mistake, big deal. no need to comment with the little * and then the correct spelling. give them a break.

everything went right today.

I have a horse now. Well I haven't bought her yet, but we have her on a week trial. After a few tries getting her on the trailer she got on fine. And when she got to the barn she was so mellow and fine. And I rode her and she was great. And she didn't care that she had to wait on the cross ties until Dvora was done with her horse. And she didn't care when the next door neighbors set off a fire cracker. And seriously she was so good.

And everything went lovely at the Rivards house too. I could just hang out there and listen to Nicole tell us stories all day. I just loved having Josh's arms wrapped around me. I could have fallen asleep in his arms easily. So easily. New life goal. Seeing as my last one has already been accomplished. see April 21st. that took me exactly a month to accomplish.

Alright now I should go to sleep that way when I go to the memorial day parade I won't fall asleep.

the stupid stomach thingy,

he can still do it with one text message.

i'm going to get to go hang out with his family tomorrow. i'm super excited. tomorrow should be fabulous. i get a horse and i get to hang out with my boyfriend.

still getting used to that terminology. but still so excited. i can't tell you how excited i am through this computer.

i think that's all i have to say. i had a super duper lazy day tomorrow, minus the horse judging. umm. oh. if i do go to the memorial day parade on monday and i do see josh tomorrow like i'm planning and we are both at school all week, then in the first 14 days of dating i will have seen him all but 2 days. and if i ask him if he wants to come to the auction and that works out then turn that 14 days into 15. preeeeetty good. but i'm getting ahead of myself.

right now i just want to see him tomorrow.

my eyes are going to fall out.

last night i slept with my contacts in. i'm supposed to take them out every night. i completely forgot to last night. probably around 11:30 i went upstairs to get ready for sleep. i did my normal bathroom stuff, i just never even thought to take out my contacts. and i was texting josh before i fell asleep and it never occurred to me that it was strange that i could see while i was lying in bed. then i woke up in the morning and i was like my eyes hurt and are hard to open, so i thought that i would get dressed first and then put my contacts in and that's when i realized that they were already in. so i took them out and put on my glasses. and my eyes are been tired like all day. well that could be because i went to sleep past midnight then woke up at 6:45 so. but i've been wearing my glasses all day and i look so weird. i think i look better with my contacts.

i'm so tired. i had horse judging practice today which went fine. i'm not doing anything for the rest of the day. my family is going to the pool but i just don't want to do that. so i'll stay home and watch tv and lounge around and do absolutely nothing.

so Josh came over today. and I think it went fairly well. yeah. he came over and first we walked around outside and then played with my dad's iPad and then Maeve and my mom got home and we set up the badminton net and played that and then had dinner and then we went for a walk with Finn and then we played a version of Spoons and then we went to Mt. Toms.

it was only partially awkward at some points but nothing went really wrong. which is fabulous. really fabulous. i haven't really heard any of my family's opinions or Josh's but I'll get those later. but it was very nice.

what was nicer was when we went to go get ice cream and i just got to relax in josh's arms for a bit, i would have been happy if I could have just fallen asleep in his arms. now abby i'm going to get into details that i probably wouldn't have told you, but since you happen to read this, you get to know. but when we went back out to the parking lot I sent maura to the car and walked to the other side of Josh's car and we made out. yep. no big deal. tongue and everything. it was actually kind of gross. but nice at the same time. i was waiting for some sort of emotion to be like exploding from me but that didn't really happen. which is kind of worrying. but at the same time i'm not too worried. but right now i would rather be making out with him. or hugging him. or just kissing him. or just being with him. but i told him not to follow me home.

but yeah i like that kid. i like him a lot.

Hey, happy birthday.

I should have kept track of how many times I told Josh happy birthday today. It was a lot. But this is the only day that I can say it to him! Well, I could say it every other day but it wouldn't work cause it won't be his birthday. I hope he had a nice day at school though. And I hope he likes his gifts, I'll text him later asking him.

Yeah today I was supposed to talk to him about the stuff that I wrote about yesterday but when I had the chance it seemed so irrelevant by then. It didn't seem like a problem anymore and like it would be pointless bringing it up now.

So I'm happy now. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I think it should be good. I trust that my family won't be stupid. If they are then I will punch them.

I'm trying to think of something else to say but today just went well. I don't have anything to complain about. That's weird. I always have something. Nope. Don't wanna go there. I just wanna stay happy.

more relationship thingys

my dad gave me a lovely talk today. he was telling me how i can't let all my time be taken up by my boyfriend. and how he doesn't mind that i have a boyfriend, it's just the fact that i could get hurt. and how emotions hurt a lot more than being hit on the head. and how the chances of a first relationship leading to marriage is very very slim and how most marriages end up in divorce and how i need to stay realistic. and how he just doesn't want me to get hurt. and if Josh hurts me than he'll kill him.

and i agree with my dad. completely. i don't think I'm going to marry Josh. is there a chance? yep. but there's a bigger chance i won't. but i'm not looking that far ahead. my goal is to just take it one day at a time. And Abby, if I start becoming one of those obsessed girlfriends please tell me to stop immediately because i'll just end up hurting myself.

and Abby thank you for letting me ask you all these questions and talk to you about this stuff. because we sort of need to. it's like topics are shunned from normal conversation. relationships are supposed to be kept to yourself and quiet. but i can't do that, i need help from people and such. i mean even just talking about kissing in those last two posts is a bit of a gasp. because you don't talk about stuff like that. people just don't. it's acceptable but you don't talk about it. which is stupid. so if you want to talk to me about something Abby please do. about anything. i don't care if you change your mind a day later and everything you said is suddenly invalid because i do that a lot.

i doubt and question myself a lot. about everything. like i question my feelings. like "am i feeling what i'm supposed to feel?" do you know what i mean? and then i question my questioning. like if i really felt a certain way then i wouldn't be questioning it. but that's stupid because that's what i do, question and think. i challenge everything. i wish you could know what i'm thinking sometimes because it's kind of interesting. but i'll give you a paragraph of some of the questions and such that i think. don't take me seriously because that's what i do, question.

are we going too fast? too slow? am i doing the whole thing right? should i be doing something different? do i really like him more than a friend?

but then some of those i can answer right away. it doesn't matter if we're moving "fast" or "slow" as long as we're happy with where we're at or whatever. and there isn't a right or wrong. i just have to be myself and everything will work out. and i don't need to do anything different, i'm figure it out, it will come. and i do. i trust him more than all but one of my friends. i want to hold his hand all the time. i can't help but smile when i see him. i never want to leave when i'm with him. and if you compare that to my other friends. when i went out with Adam, i wanted to leave so i left and we never touched each other and i never wanted to touch him. i've told Josh things that I haven't told Katelyn, lots of things actually.

and for me the deciding thing that makes all the questions irrelevant is i'm happy. happy happy. i'm happy texting him. i'm happier when i'm with him. i'm even happier when i'm talking to him. and that's all that really matters to me right now.

and i think i have hit the end of the post. actually no. Abby is it weird that I'm curious as to what Josh and Avarie's relationship was like but at the same time I don't want to know at all?

aww Maura just did the cutest thing ever. she made Josh a birthday card. it has a saxophone on the front and the inside is like a music staff with "Happy Birthday" like musical notes. Maura's the greatest ever. Okay now I'm done.

hashbrowns & milk.

so now i need to tell you how the rest of my day went seeing as i posted that in the middle of the day. the rest of my day was good. i saw Josh at the end of lunch because our lunch schedule is all messed up because of senior finals. and then at the end of the day i was staying after for a Spain meeting so I walked out to the car with Josh and kissed him bye there which was just nice. and he didn't seem bothered at all by the fact that i didn't kiss him earlier. thank goodness. oh thank goodness josh is who he is. well if he wasn't then i wouldn't be dating him. so i'm not worried about that anymore. if i kiss him i do, if i don't, i don't. but i probably will. but there you go, see how silly i make things in my mind, which is part of the reason why i need Josh because he doesn't do that.

tomorrow's his birthday and i have the CD all set, I just want to write him a card/letter, and get my book ready. i hope he appreciates that i'm giving him that book to read, i'll make sure i include that in the letter. and then after tomorrow is friday when he comes over, which i'm so excited about. but that means the house will have to be cleaned. i won't even mind cleaning that much since it's Josh coming over.

Katelyn's probably pissed at me. because she was saying how she is trying to figure out how much money to bring for merch for the Glee tour and I was like, my parents will pay for it, you get your season pass to Six Flags or tickets to the other concerts you want to go to. and she was trying to fight me on that and then she gave up because she realized she wouldn't win. but then on her tumblr today she posts:
"So looking forward to going to school tomorrow -__-
Lol no.
I hate everyone there.
Rich bitches everywhere."
So how many people think these "rich bitches" are referring to me? Katelyn just annoys me so much. She says she doesn't care if i die. I get chemicals on me and she just says "oh well" and she treats me like crap. She's lucky I'm still her friend cause I really don't need her and her comments anymore. I'm sorry that my life makes her feel worse about hers, but that doesn't mean she has to make comments about me being "Helen Keller" when i got contacts, making some comment when i was hugging Josh like "keep it your pants," and not appreciating me bringing her to the Glee concert. writing this I'm wondering why the hell I'm still friends with her. next year, no way.

but i'm still in a good mood. i just have to forget about Katelyn, think about Josh and my friends who actually care about me, listen to my playlist i made for Josh, and I'm good.

Hi. I'm in study hall right now. I can't do this. I did my spanish article but I can't focus on research. I'm going to be stressed out doing research later because I don't have nearly enough sources. I have like a few links. So I really need to do some but I can't. I don't have any concentration or motivation. Instead I'm just messing up my life. Well not really. Well kind of. I don't know. I'll tell you. So Josh and I held hand up to english but when we got to english class he tried to kiss me and I sort of just pushed through him and was like uhhh no. I don't know why. I sort of panicked. I'm not used to this whole being a girlfriend thing. It's weird. It's overwhelming too. I guess I wasn't comfortable kissing him right there in front of everyone in the hallway and everyone in my classroom that could see. I feel so bad now though. Especially since last night I was telling him what was happening in Glee and I was freaking out over how Rachel wouldn't let Finn kiss him and how they just needed to get together and how they were both stupid but then how it ended up they did get together and ladida. Then I don't let him kiss me. I'm sorry. It's not like I don't like him or I don't want to kiss him. It's just. Ah too fast. I'm just a little kid. I'm not used to having a boyfriend and the whole couple stuff. Josh has had a girlfriend before, so he's probably ready to just go back to the high points of his old relationship. Yeahhh it's going to take me a bit to get there. I still feel like I'm doing things wrong or messing stuff up. Like I'm trying but I'm not trying hard enough. Like I'm not living up to the expectations. I'm just falling flat on my face and looking like a fool doing it. Blah. And I'm getting myself all nervous and worked up wondering what he's thinking and how I'm going to tell him all of this.

Ahhh, I'll figure it out though, right?

I give CDs as birthday presents.

These songs will be on a CD for Josh that I will give him on Thursday.


Secrets - OneRepublic
Uncharted - Sara Bareilles
Oh, La - Ra Ra Riot
Friday - Rebecca Black
All Those Pretty Lights - Andrew Belle
Moment 4 Life - Nicki Minaj & Drake
All About Us - He Is We & Aaron Gillespie
Internet Killed The Video Star - The Limousines
Breathe In Breathe Out - Mat Kearney
I Will Follow You Into the Dark - Death Cab for Cutie
Wotless - KES The Band
Stolen - Dashboard Confessional
Somewhere Only We Know - Glee Cast
Walking On Air -Kerli
Oh Darling (feat. Cady Groves) - Plug In Stereo
Super Bass - Nicki Minaj
Hey Molly - Mike Lombardo

response to Abby's note.

This is a response to the note Abby wrote me, some of it won't make sense to you if you aren't Abby but I think for the most part it will.

Good luck with your senior play! I think it will be amazing too! Jon was talking to Peter about it and how it is a "group effort" and how Jayna and Devin are directing, you're doing costumes and stage stuff, and Jon is "acting and the acting coach and everything else." Well there's that.

And Josh told me nothing. Not even that you guys talked. So naturally I'm super curious.

Don't blame yourself. If ever I'm upset for whatever it's usually because of me and my reactions to things. But I'll let you know. Or just check here and you're fine.

You'll make it through this week fine! Only three school days left. Ohhh which reminds me, Thursday is our boyfriends' birthday. Which I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. Telllll me, you've already done this two times before.

And Abby I know that you are worried about your sisters but you have to worry about yourself too and what's going to be best for you.

And that's all to your note, anything else I add is just random stuff.

Um. Day...how many days has it been? See, I'm already forgetting. Three. Anyways you know it's coming along. We're still sort of figuring each other out and how to act. Well I am at least. It's different and new. You know that. Today during history we were watching a movie and I could not pay attention to it, it was so incredibly boring. So instead I figured out how many seconds I had until school was over and I got to see Josh again. Anyways. I think that's all. I should do some homework stuff and then I have 4H later that I don't want to go to. I have to do stuff for that too.

Alright boring day so far, honestly I did nothing all day. It was so boring I don't even want to go through it. Now I think I'm done we'll see what happens later that might want me to post again, and then maybe again, and who knows maybe even again.

better mood.

This is just all so new to me. These emotions, feelings, thoughts. Like I never knew that you could still think you smell someone after you haven't seen them in almost 7 hours. Maybe that's just weird. But he smells so good! XD

Yep, I'm in a better mood now. It's just a roller coaster. But I still mean what I said in the first post of today. That I'm excited for it. Even though I doubt myself so much sometimes, I'm ready and excited. And even if I complain, I know it's all part of it, and I'm not really complaining, just stating thoughts and feelings. Difference!

But thank you Abby so much. For so many reasons. Mostly for just being such an amazing friend. I would be sooooo lost without you. And also it's sort of your doing that Josh and I are together. Not completely but I see the influence, by calling him my "future boyfriend" back in December before I even started texting him. Or maybe you could just see the two of us so well and knew that it would work. But I just owe so much to you, thank you thank you.

So let's bring on tomorrow and see how wonderful it is.

Emotional wreck?

Why yes.
It was bound to happen sooner or later seeing as the weekend went so smoothly.

just so many emotions. freaking out.

i interrupt my previous post at January 28 because I can't focus on that anymore and I need to write this.

Seriously Abby? You decided to call me? I don't know how that went down but come on. I could hear Josh sort of okay and probably could have if I went over to door but yeahh didn't want to do that. Not with my mom and sisters right there. They would have seen me freak out because it's hard freaking enough talking on the phone without adding in the factor that you're talking to the guy who you just freaking told you like a lot.

Then let's add this in, after I hang up, Josh texts me from Abby's phone cause his died and says "Hi this is Josh XD My phone just died. And do you know Molly? Shes absolutely amazing and beautiful, and I enjoy being with her very much" and I am about this close to dying like Josh's phone. Do you know how hard it is for me to hear something like that and believe it? I don't think I even really do.

This is too much for Molly. Don't overload her. Please.

from single Molly to Josh's girlfriend.

before 8th grade - saw him at a few horse shows
8th grade - his first year at HRHS. algebra. i sat in the middle row two seats from the back. Josh sat two rows over to the right in the back corner. typical 8th grade crush. i don't think i ever actually talked to him.
summer between 8th and 9th grade - Maeve beat him at regionals, she got champion and he got reserve
9th grade - history class. crush on and off.
- first mention in my blog on February 4, 2009:

"lunch was interesting. John and Josh sat with us. it was not that good. i don't think they will ever sit with us again. which is probably for the better. so yeah. it was kind of awkward and well i just sort of want it to go back to how it was...1st quarter. except that Abby didn't sit with us then."

- discussed again on March 31, 2009 when he was with our group during the fire drill that wasn't a fire drill
- April 1st 2009, worked on project with him and discussed history class

"so guess what i did today? made a complete fool of myself. YAYYYYYYY! how you may ask? history. stupid history. normally i love that class. I like Mr. Touchette, the work isn't that hard, Stephanie and Abby are in it along with JonJay and Josh which makes it entertaining not to mention we all sit next to each other, and i like the atmosphere of the class most of the time."

- May 29, 2009

"so today at the end of history we were able to just talk. and well our "clique" which is equal to Abby, Stephanie, Josh, and Jonathon were all talking. but i felt left out of course. i didn't know what to say. i felt out of place. not that it is a new feeling."

summer between 9th and 10th grade - i believe that when I skipped out on the beach on July 29, 2009 he was there but other that no mention
10th grade - he was dating Avarie and I barely even thought about him
- September 11, 2009 when I had a crush on Sawyer and Josh was in my english class

"english Friend worked with Heather, Jon, and Josh on a sentence pattern thingy which was fine cause i'm too far away to ask him to work with him without getting up out of my seat and making a big deal out it, plus Katelyn would have killed me and i don't like having her in my english class too much but i'll deal"

- April 6, 2010 (notice the big jump) when I had a crush on Ryan, the next-door neighbor

"i'm scared of a lot of things. nervous. apprehensive. you know. which is why when Abby suggested that she get me and Ryan together in some sort of group since Josh and Colin know him and she has heard he is very nice. i instantly said no. what did she expect me to say?"

- August 11, 2010 (notice the big time jump again) he actually comes back in the picture when he sits next to me at bowling

"you know before when i would complain about how i wanted there to just be a boy. now i have two. sort of. and hey at bowling Josh sat next to me. he could have sat wherever he wanted to but he sat next to me. made me feel pretty darn good."

- August 12, 2010

"do you remember back in ninth grade when I worried about boys all the time? i did the whole obsess thing. i did it on Matt Cabral and then i did a bit on Josh Rivard as well. so i have completely pushed Matt out of my head but hey all because I liked him before then didn't again doesn't mean that Josh is out of the picture, he sat next to me at bowling and helped me when my brain didn't function properly while adding.
i guess this blog was sort of pointless because all i can do is wait and slowly weave my relationships with them. not like "a relationship" but the other definition. just by existing and talking to them and being there i guess. just get through another day and see what that brings."

(haha, look Molly, you're actually in a relationship with him)
- Whoaoaoa, I went from not mentioning him at all in September to mentioning him 20 times in October, so here we go
- October 11, 2010

"who would i invite? Abby, (hi Abby), and probably Colin which would bring about Josh and Nicole. I always wanted to be better friends with them but that has never worked out."

- On October 12, 2010 was when the seed was really planted, Abby you should just go back and read that whole post.

"Abby sent me a text last night which i got this morning stating this: "I know you wont respond to this tonight, unless you are up, but were you ever at all interested in josh?" to which i was like "what? yes." so the answer to her question is definitely yes. ever since he came to this school in eighth grade and was in my algebra class. yeah i am that precise. but then he started dating Avarie and i sort of stopped paying attention to him and i didn't have any classes with him. but i guess i didn't completely stop paying attention to him as you can see in my last post when i mentioned him. and when we went bowling and how i mentioned how i liked that he sat next to me."

"but now i think Abby sort of wants to know what i think now. right? the thing is i am not really sure. it is definitely a possibility. but i would like to get to know him better cause i can't say any more than that right now. you know how i am about getting to know someone or what not. it would be nice just to have him as a friend if nothing else ever worked out. but now it is sort of awkward. like even today at the PSAT write-your-name-and-fill-in-the-bubbles thing i wasn't sure what to say or how to act around him and it was like i was nervous about what to say or do because i wanted to make a good impression or whatever. i guess that is a good thing? or it means that if i can't be myself around him then it will never be more than an awkward 'hi, how are you? good.'"

"so Abby go ahead with whatever scheming you are doing. just know that i will most likely feeling nervous, but a good sort of nervous, and i am afraid that i will blow whatever chance i have. and i won't know what to say and i will be extremely self-conscious. even more so now that i know there is a chance that he could actually like me and thinks about me when i am not standing right in front of him...i am not sure. especially since i don't know him and i am not sure if i even like him. i like the idea of him more than the actually person currently. but maybe that could change."

(ohhohoh, look at that it did change)
- overthinking on October 13, 2010

"i'm more concerned with Josh and Adam. funny how that happens. earlier this week i barely paid attention to Josh. well i would see him and sort of acknowledge him but i didn't think that he thought about me so just went on. now it's like "oh. there could be something here." and i'm not sure if i like that. because it gets me thinking too much and worried too much and acting differently and yeah. but whatever...nd i don't even know what is up with Josh, Abby just has my mind all freaked out. and i'm not upset or angry about that. but i just don't want to do something stupid and that want will probably make me do something stupid. it's like i want to know where i stand and i want to make progress towards some kind of relationship (remember relationship can be friends or enemies, not just bf/gf). why don't they talk to me? in the case of Adam it is either because he doesn't have the confidence or he doesn't want to. in the case of Josh probably because we have never really talked before so why start now? old habits are hard to break..."
"oh and then i made a bit of a fool of myself sixth period. i went down to Mr. Dewitt's classroom to makeup a test and he has a study hall. oh guess who is in that study hall. Josh. ha. he was sitting in the back corner. Mr. Dewitt gives me the test and i can sit wherever i want. maybe it would have been smart to just sit in the front but i was sort of used to going to the back to stay out of the way of the class but hey it's a study hall so that was stupid thinking. so i ended up in the back next to Josh which was just silly of me. he was on his laptop the whole time and then put his head down on his desk and probably fell asleep while i was gong through this horrible AP test. either he was like "oh great here comes this girl", he didn't even notice, or he appreciated my presence. i vote one of the first two. i should of sat next to Mollie."

- October 15, 2010, thinking too much again

"so. Abby i want you to "set me up" or whatever. why? because i'm too afraid to do it myself. and because if abby thinks it could work then there is a good possibility something could work out. but even beyond that. if it doesn't work out at. i wouldn't be mad or upset at abby. i need to have things not work out or a "broken heart" because i have no experience. well i don't have any experience having my heart together...or whatever the opposite of a broken heart is. so that might be nice too. but i am getting way too ahead of myself. so i need to step back. and that is what i am going to do. i may not mention or say anything but i am paying attention. i will notice every time he is in the same area of me. and yes that is because of you abby. but hey there has to be some reason doesn't there?...but at the same time it's not that big of a deal. it just seems like it now because i'm talking about it. i would be perfectly fine if i never talked to josh again in my life. that's the truth. really. but i could be better than perfectly fine if i did talk to him. "could be". i don't know....
[later]i want a relationship to just happen. i don't want it to be forced. i want it to be spontaneous. i want to be surprised at how well we get along together."

(would you look at that, now i would not be perfectly fine if i never talked to josh again, and look at that i was, and still am, surprised at how long we get along together)
- October 24, 2010 i stopped thinking so much

"i have to go to school tomorrow. i don't want to. i just want to stop trying. but i will keep on going. tomorrow i will wake up at 6:30 and get ready for school. i will go to each class. i will do what i am supposed to. i will pass by Josh and Adam in the hallways and wonder what they thinking. i will deal with Steven on this project. i will smile and try to act positive. i will try to look good. i will walk through the hallways pretending that i have some confidence. i will do it. i just don't want to."

- October 27, 2010

"i was getting my stuff from my locker at the end of school and i stood up straight and i happened to look to my right and Josh was looking at me. or maybe he just happened to be looking at that way too. but there was that second where we were both looking at each other and i knew he must have thought about me for that one second and i was wondering what he was thinking. then i looked away. i am pretty sure i looked away first unless it was at the same time. for a while i tried not to look away but i sort of forgot about that. but yeah. it was just weird."

- November 11, 2010 the all-night skate, what was I thinking? oh wait, i know.

"My favorite part? I have two actually...Second was just sitting at the table with Abby and Josh. I was overtired so I was completely out of it and I probably didn't make much sense or contribute in a good way to the conversation but it was nice. Because you don't get to do that in school. You can just sit down and talk because you always feel like you have something else you should be doing, or you actually do. Or you never get the chance because you don't have class with them or whatever. At the same time that was nice though it was kind of awkward. Josh and I didn't look at each other when we were speaking to each other which Abby called us out on. But at least we were talking to each other jeez. (:"
"Yes I am glad that Josh sat next to me and all but you missed that whole exchange. Mike was the one who told Josh to sit there. I moved over and all and I think Mike was going to sit on the opposite side and Josh started sitting at a different table and Mike told him to sit there. And then he sat there for the rest of the night whether I was sitting next to him or not. I think Josh is really nice. End of sentence, I'm not adding a "but" to that last sentence. I'm not dying to go out with him either. Because it is still really awkward. As our table decided to have to know someone before you can date them."
"So let me wrap this up by saying that right now I should be writing a letter for a soldier or reading history and I am glad I went to all-night skate. If nothing else I had fun. If more than that I was able to get to know Josh more. If more than that it was freaking awesome."

- November 16, 2010

"i could write about how i walked behind Josh in the hallway after english and i didn't say anything even though i should of. later i thought that i could have asked him about horse judging. but whatever yo."

- November 29, 2010 Josh wants to read my story, which I completely forgot about until now. Ohhh, that could be a good birthday present actually, letting him read that story even though I don't like it at all. But anyways on this day I can't open my locker in front of Josh, then Abby makes Josh give me my stuff that I gave to her. Then Abby says "you're going to have another encounter with Josh today" which I can't stop stop thinking about and now I'll give you some direct quotes

"but then later when Colin was off talking to someone i asked Abby what she meant earlier during homeroom because even a math class couldn't keep me from thinking about it. and she was all like (okay i'm going to stop saying that now) "i meant, he should have an encounter with you" which means they were talking about me. score! right? i don't know. and then we had a conversation where i figured out that for some strange bizarre (that's one of our vocab words this week) reason he wants to read my book. i sigh just at the mention of my book because it is complete crap. honestly."
"but the awfulness of my story is beside the point, the point is, or points are, 1. Why would Josh want to read this story? 2. How does he know about this story? I mean, it's not a secret, but I don't broadcast it either. 3. I was the topic of discussion at one point 4. Abby wasn't supposed to tell me something, which I'm not sure what exactly that is - meaning I don't know if the whole "he wants to read my story" deal was what she wasn't supposed to say. 5. I was going to give Abby my story to read first because I'll let her read anything I write even if it is as awful as this story is, and then she would give it to him. But I am thinking of making him ask me. Because if he asks me there is no way I can say no because he actually talked to me. -gasp- 6. I am not sure what this whole thing means. Back to point number one."
"I also want to know people's motives or why things are. I like to feel like I am in control. But I may have to give that up some. I tried to. I said to myself "Okay I am going to back off the whole Josh thing and see where things go" and that worked up until something happen then I ran to my blog to write about it."

- December 3, 2010

"- i'm going to give people the opportunity to start a conversation with me by saying something. like i'll give Josh the chance to ask me if he can read my book instead of just waiting."

- December 7, 2010

"i forgot to mention earlier. today when i was walking up the stairs to english all three of the guys that i am supposed to be talking to were walking in front of me. seriously. you had Josh right in front of me and right in front of him was Joey and in front of him was Adam. if everyone spread out their arms we would have made a chain, we were so close."

- December 10, 2010

"So sorry those were so short. I would rather talk about improvisketchologues. Best parts: 1. finding out Josh was going to be there...Worse parts: 1. Not saying anything to Josh because I'm a chicken."

- December 23, 2010

"today was the last day of school before vacation. it went very well. i was in a good mood all day and the AP test went well and i am wearing a fabulous necklace right now and it's all just fabulous. this morning before i was leaving to go to school i got a text from Abby saying "Dear molly. please bring your book to school today. :) and bring you too. Love abby" so i was like okay dokay. knowing that it probably had something to do with josh since you know that story. and i asked her why during homeroom but she "because" and i just accepted that answer. but it turns out i brought it back home with me today without even taking it out of my bag! -_- if you want to read the stupid book then just ask me. i don't bite. honestly. but i can say that yet i won't talk to him. my excuse is that i don't have anything to talk to him about. DARN IT. I JUST REMEMBERED NOW THAT I COULD HAVE ASKED HIM ABOUT THE CONCERT. DAMN IT. yes i did just swear. that is how frustrated i am right now. but you wouldn't be able to tell by looking at me. my expression hasn't changed since i started writing this. my mother and sister are sitting at the table right now and they have no clue. but yeah i had said to myself last night that i should ask him and i just like yeah okay i will. AND THEN I FORGOT UNTIL NOW. and i legit forgot. it wasn't like i remembered and was like "i don't wanna" i really FORGOT AGHAGHAGAHHHH. missed my chance. damn it. yes i just swore again."

- December 24, 2010

"at one point when i came back from bowling Abby was talking to Nicole and Abby said "her future boyfriend" and it was obvious they were talking about me so i was like, "what was that abby, i couldn't quite here you." and Nicole said, "i think she said 'future boyfriend'" and i was like "nah it sounded more like 'funny pickles'" but you see if i was thinking straight i would have said something like "me? boyfriend? nahh" and then they would have come back with something and i would have known what they were saying. because i am like that. i always like to know what is going on. even when i'm driving. i don't like not being able to see far ahead and i like to know what way i am going in advance.
but that was very nice. i am excited for wednesday. if it happens. then that will be me, abby, nicole, josh, colin, and jayna. even if josh wasn't going i would be excited to spend time with nicole and abby and jayna. i never see jayna. but i wonder how it will work out with the six of us. last time we all went bowling Mollie and Katelyn were also there. and then the last time it was just me, Abby, and Nicole. and then at all night skating it was me, Abby, and Josh talking for a part, then Colin, Mike, and Katelyn were also there for part of it. but we shall find out."

(jeez, how long were you guys planning on Josh and me getting together eventually?)
- December 26, 2010 this is from when I was talking about Katelyn but I also included a quality picture that day

"and things she says sometimes annoys me. and sometimes i feel like i can't really by myself around her. like i don't want her to be around when i talk to Josh, or even make new friends. it's weird."

- December 29, 2010 so this is the day when it really started happening, when we started...texting. XD

"and at one point abby stole both mine and josh's phone and put each others numbers in the other's phone. and then i sent him a random text message like i was sending to everyone else. and we started talking. and it was fabulous yo. see even if we can't talk in person we can talk through a cell phone. but we did talk in person too. we were able to make fun of abby. and tell corny jokes. it was all good. :D
...and then his phone died. but AAAHHHHHHHH OH MY GOD. I TEXTED A GUY AND I AKED HIM TO TEXT ME TOMORROW AND HE SAID "SURE THING" AHHHHHHHH. i am smiling so much right now. so happy. goodness. i really can't believe this. ah. maybe it will actually work out. we will see tomorrow if he texts me. abby says he will and that he told her that he wants to text me. and now i need to calm down.
i am gaining a friend. a nice friend. i need more friends. that's all. he is just a friend. and i am so okay with that. if having him as a friend means i get to feel like this every time i'm with him and afterwards. sure thing, let's be friends.
okay. i am just happy. so happy. and it is wonderful. and i'm listening to taylor swift. and it is wonderful. maybe i should go to sleep now so i can wake up in the morning and see if he texted me. but nah. i can't get that built up on a text message. because who knows what that text message will mean to him. maybe not as much as to me. but i'm okay with that honestly. ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhappy."

- December 30, 2010 the first post of the day

"i don't have any more text messages to share with you but i'm not worried. i may later. it is still early for teenagers to be awake. but my phone hasn't left my side yet today.
but apart from the whole Josh thing, i love Nicole. much more than i thought i would. she is just so sweet and great and wonderful. seriously. why the heck haven't i been friends with her since 8th grade? OH RIGHT cause i'm a loser and too shy to talk to people. but she probably made my night with the whole "OMG I'M SITTING NEXT TO MOLLY!" it makes me smile thinking about it. she is just a wonderful person. maybe i'll text her a bit later. who knows. i don't really have anything to say to her...ah. i need to do homework. jeez school. i wonder how that will change things between me and josh and nicole. well i never see Nicole, literally, so probably nothing. but then i do see josh. maybe if he texts me i'll tell him that he has to say hi to me every time he sees me in the hall. but maybe not i don't know. i am not going to worry or build anything up. if i have no expectations then i can't be disappointed, right?"

- December 30, 2010 the second post of the day

"SO. after barley getting any sleep last night because i kept waking up to see if it was tomorrow yet. and then waking up at like 8, the earliest this vacation, and not being able to go back to sleep. and then waiting all day for a text message from him. checking my phone all the time even when i knew no one had texted. he finally texted me. and it made me smile a lot. and i am currently still texting him. i have to think that he must want to talk to me too or else he would have stopped by now. but here is the conversation both for my personal records and for those people who want to read it. i guess if we text like this more often i won't be able to put all our conversations up here because they will be too long but hey we'll take it one day at a time and today i am going to write out every word from the past four hours. this will be hard though because i am currently texting him, Nicole, and Abby so i am going to be interrupted often. but here i go."

(and if you go back and read that text message exchange (which i did), there are references to when I was confused about his =) which he mentioned not the most recent Friday, but the Friday before that, I'm surprised that he still remembered)
- December 31, 2010
"i was up until 11:30 texting Josh. yeah. we texted pretty much consistently for six hours. do people normally do that? well abby and i text back and forth all the time but you know it isn't really one continuous conversation. and i text dana sometimes but not that often, only when we have something we actually have to say. we don't just text about really nothing, which josh and i pretty much did...but at the same time i can't have a friendship solely through text messages. seriously. if we can't talk in person then yeah. but i think the text messages help. and until monday, when i'll see him next, i'll continue to text him. i'll text him later in the day since he made me wait until 5 yesterday."

"the big question is does he actually want to talk to me or is he just being nice? well lets see each side. for he actually wants to talk to me: 1. he texted me first. 2. he kept responding in a reasonable time. 3. if it took him a while to respond he said why. 4. he asked me questions 5. it seemed like he liked texting back and forth 6. the reason why we stopped texted was because he said he had to go to sleep because he gets up late enough already 7. he said we will have to continue our conversation tomorrow. for he is just being nice: 1. i sounded like a fool often 2. he never actually asked for my number 3. i asked him to text me (but he did, he didn't have to) SO i guess it sounds like he actually wanted to text me. alright then.
so let me sum this up. texting josh makes me happy. but i am not too excited about this because i need to actually talk to him. i am going to have to figure out a way to slowly ease him into conversation because listen to this. i was in the car with maeve and my mom and maeve asked who i was texting i said i was texting Nicole. and she said oh tell her i said hi. and then she said "remember when i beat her brother all the time at riding?" and i was like "yeah, i just went bowling with him yesterday" then there was an awkward sort of silence. and then i asked maeve if she had anything else she wanted to say to Nicole. and that was it. maybe it was only an uncomfortable silence to me. but hey i went to Danny's birthday party and my mom was okay with that. so i just have to ease my family into this, IF this turns into anything. it may not. so i can't get too freaked out yet. so yeah. until then i am happy just texting him. and then we'll see how it goes one day at a time."

2011
- January 1, 2011 first post, talking about the New Year Eve party at Katelyn's

"part of the reason why i didn't mind the party was because i wasn't completely there the whole time. i was the rude person on their cell phone. i really don't care what they thought of me and my cellphone. cause i had a nice conversation with josh thank you very much. i started texting him around 4 something for a little bit then he had to go eat. and then he came back and said he was working on his project and that his phone might die but he thought he had an hour. and then i didn't hear back from him for a long while. he said his phone died sooner than he thought but he recharged it some. fabulous. and then we texted back and forth until almost 2 in the morning when he went to sleep. but i was stuck awake for another two hours! yipppeee!
but i think he actually does want to text me. because when he started watching Despicable Me i told him to feel free to stop texting me to watch the movie but he said he could watch the movie and talk to me at the same time. and then i was saying how i needed to find an outlet because my phone was dying. and he said yeah, definitely don't want it to die. and then i said (i don't know what i was thinking, it was 1 in the morning) "you would miss me texting you too much if my phone died. but now i'm plugged in." and he said "True, I would miss texting you too much" ahhhhhhh. (: then i said that i would miss texting him too. and he called me super duper. ha. well that was also partially my doing. i might as well tell that story too. new paragraph."
"okay that's all wonderful and all but it can't be that fabulous right? well for one i haven't really talked to him a lot in person. which concerns me. but monday. i'll walk with him to english class. i don't know what we will talk about. his history project. despicable me (which i spoiled for him. >.<). and we still have two more days to come up with things to talk about in person via text. but it is going to be weird. since i've been talking to him a whole bunch but i haven't actually seen him. that is probably my major concern currently."

- January 1, 2011 second post

"now the only reason i don't want to go on vacation would be because i wouldn't be able to text josh. but i think i'm getting ahead of myself there. we'll see where we stand with that in three weeks. i can't imagine we'll continue texting each other this much then. because already i'm not hanging on the phone as much. sure i still am. but not as much. i took a three hour nap up in my room today and i left my phone downstairs. see? i'm getting better. i wish you could hear the tone of voice i'm thinking all of this. because you probably don't get what i'm actually saying. that's part of the challenge of being a writer though."
"thank goodness i can text josh and not worry about it. see how my life has changed so much? before i was moping about who knows what and then now all i talk about in this blog is texting josh, texting josh, texting josh. ahh. and nope my family still doesn't know. i wish i had said something in the car, i could have just said that i was texting abby, nicole, and josh. and they probably wouldn't have said anything. oh welll. maybe i'll have another chance eventually. of course i will. it's not like it's a big secret. i am just sort of scared. because this is the first time anything like this has happened, you know? none of my sisters have friends who are guys. you mention a guy at our dinner table and my father makes some sort of comment about if we have a crush on him or something. well my father is in for a surprise then.
but then again i'm getting ahead of myself. you see i'm not an irrational teenager. i don't think i am going to marry him because i've sent him a few texts (cough, cough, a few? how about 180?). sure i'm thinking about boyfriend girlfriend dating stuff but that's realistic. i'm thinking about being friends. i'm not changing my everyday life to conform to his texts. i still did homework. i took a nap even though he could have texted me at any second. i still ate dinner with my family. i'm not hiding up in my room texting him. i'm right smack dap in the middle of the kitchen. i'm not looking too far ahead. i'm taking it one day at a time. today? i'm going to text him until i want to go sleep. which might end up being soon. cause i'm tired. i'm not squealing and going crazy. yes, i do that little jumping thing/belly flop almost every time he texts me but that's reasonable too, mostly because i can't control that - that's emotions and chemicals and whatever else that is. i'm not obsessing. i think i'm being reasonable. right?"

- January 2, 2011

"I should be sleeping now:
why am i not?
because i told Josh not to text me until he finished his project. and he said he would text me when he finished. and he hasn't texted me yet. and i would feel like a jerk if i went to sleep now. but hopefully he was able to finish his project a little bit quicker and will be able to go to sleep earlier than if i kept interrupting him with text messages.
i am thinking i'll just send him a message saying that i'm going to go to sleep and i'll see him tomorrow.
but yeah. smart idea molly. not."

- January 5, 2011

"let's start at the beginning. we were almost late to school, like five seconds not late. because of my mother. we were waiting in the car for her. so i didn't see josh in the morning. and he walks too fast to english class. i swear before every time that i didn't want to talk to him we ended up walking next to each other. but then when i do want to talk to him, he's nowhere in sight. but that is just how it works."

then discussing my Pride situation

"i didn't start crying about it until i told josh that i was selling my horse and he asked why and i told him and he responded and all. it wasn't what he said really it was just that i kind of hit me that yeah, i'm selling my horse. and it wasn't like i started sobbing. just a few tears but i'm fine now. sort of. i don't think i will be perfectly fine for a while...but on the upside i guess telling josh about pride is...good? right? i'm not too worried about josh though. i'll take it as it comes. each day. i'm not going to overanalyze it. i have other things to worry about. if we're meant to be friends then it will happen. even so i still have my phone on my belly so i can see right away when i have a text. and i'm lying down in my bed so that's possible. well my laptop in my on belly and knees and my phone is on my ribcage. anyways....i think i'm done. i'm tired. i should sleep but i want to keep texting josh and abby. so i'm not going to. i'll just be tired tomorrow. i can sleep on vacation."

- January 9, 2011, the first out of four posts

"so the plan yesterday was for me and abby to meet up with Colin, Josh, and Nicole, see a movie, get some dinner, and hang out in Northampton. when i told my mother she was said "so is it like a double date with Nicole?" and i said "I guess you could call it that" and then she proceeded to say "or is it more like a group outing" and i said "more like that." but then what happens when Nicole doesn't show up? and you end up sitting in the Josh for the entire movie and at dinner? i don't think so."
"so heres the next thing i guess. where do josh and i stand? well ever since i got his number we have texted every night. every night we say good night to each other and i will wait until i get the goodnight text back before i go to sleep. throughout the whole night he followed me around through the stores and walked next to me and such. at school we talk when we can but a lot of the time we don't know what to say or whatever. we are already planning to do some other stuff together. and when i go away we decided that we would email each other and give each other updates.
i'm not going to be vague because i can't do that right now. i need to figure out my thoughts. the big question is friends or more than friends? right now the answer that jumps to my mind right away is friends. after last night that answer is clearer. is it possible in the future to be more than friends? sure it's possible but that doesn't mean its going to happen. we still couldn't really have a conversation together without abby. and i wasn't nervous. i'm not sure what that means. but i wasn't nervous, i was more...cautious, if that is the word. like when i wasn't sure what to say, i didn't say anything. and i listened. and watched. i guess. i don't know. it's complicated."

- January 9, 2011, the second out of four posts

"i could text josh but i'm not feeling it.
i don't know maybe i should text him.
or i sit here feeling sorry for myself."

- January 9, 2011, the third out of four posts

"Things I Look For in a Relationship:
- he makes me happy.
- i always want to be with him or be talking to him.
- he makes me smile all the time.
- he makes me feel special and fabulous.
- it doesn't matter if he meets or doesn't meet the criteria of the list because i just want to be with him."

(would you look at that, i like that list)

"now i'm back to the same question. so what now? and the answer to that question is i'm going to keep texting josh, i'll talk to him tomorrow, and i'll just see where it goes. i'm not too worried."

- January 9, 2011 the fourth of out four posts - i shared texts that showed why i like being his friend

"and last night i was nervous because i made the mistake of bringing up college with josh...So i went from thinking i screwed myself over to a very nice conversation...And now I am going to watch a movie and text josh and eat ice cream."

- January 15, 2011 the beginning of the vacation

"um. but the whole vacation thing you know. it's cool. but what is cooler is having people back home who care about you. and knowing that they have to care about you at some level because they text you the entire time you are waiting for the plane to take off, text you while you are walking around miami, text you when you are waiting for your bed to be set up in Miami, text you goodnight, tells you goodnight, then emails you, comes on facebook just to talk to you, emails you back even though you are talking on facebook. so yeah it's pretty nice.
yeah that started off with me talking about both Abby and Josh and then i sort of just was talking about Josh. but i appreciate it very much so from both of them. but i feel sort of bad over here just talking about my vacation. i want to hear about their life too. i don't know. it's still weird. i guess that is relating towards josh because abby and i are abby and i."
"i just realized that i don't get to say goodnight to him tonight. i am pretty sure ever since we started texting i've said goodnight to him before i went to sleep. is that weird? is it weird that i've texted him goodnight every night and that he has texted me back the same? is it weird that i would wait to get the goodnight text back before i went to sleep? is it weird that i even care that i'm not getting a goodnight text tonight?
and i stopped in the middle of "is it weird" rampage because i got an email and it was indeed from Josh. and it made me smile lots. and i think i am going to go to sleep now and not think about how things are weird. i am going to smile because that email made me happy. i'll send him an email back in the morning. alright. goodnight for real this time."

- January 21, 2011, post number one

"His emails seriously make my day.
This morning I was very disappointed when I didn't have an email from him and I didn't get one last night either. Every time I got an email I would quickly look to see who it was from. And just a minute a got one from him. It made me smile lots. I didn't even care that it was very late, he said why, and I am just very happy now. I can't really focus on my IDSs anymore even though I told myself I would stop for now after this one. But yes, happy. (:"

- January 21, 2011, post number two, about Abby's dream

"So yes I can relate to this. Or maybe I am just making myself relate to it because Josh is on my mind because he is on my mind more than he probably should me, and I just checked my email for an email from him."

- January 22, 2011

"Going to school on Tuesday: Pros: - Seeing Abby and Josh, because those are the two people worth seeing at my school"

- January 23, 2011

"Now I have to email back Josh and go to sleep, because I have to go to the airport tomorrow morning. Ah goodbye Tobago. ):"

- January 25, 2011 post one

"Now you might be wondering, "what about you and Josh? All you do is text him." Yes, but I don't love him and I'm not in a relationship with him. And those will never happen until we've spent adequate time together and can talk to each other without it being awkward, because that is important to me."

- January 25, 2011 post two

"It's amazing how one word can make me happy. But if someone else said it, it wouldn't mean a thing to me.
If you haven't guessed already I just received a one word text from Josh saying "Goodnight =)"
I still believe you can't have a relationship based on off only texts but that doesn't mean you can't be happy when someone texts you.
I think I am going to sleep better tonight than I have since...January 14th. Yes, I just checked that on my phone.
I wonder if that word means as much to him as it does to me. Well you would think it does, since he consistently says it every night we text. Anyways I need to go to sleep now that I got my goodnight text."

- January 28, 2011 talking about what I would do if I had no fear

"Abby asked me that and this is what I said: "i would talk all the time in class, i would tell everyone exactly how i feel, i would ride my horse, i would talk to josh about something other than random unimportant things, and that is all i can think of."...- I would ask Josh what he would do if he had no fear, which is kind of ironic since you know I'm writing a list about things I would do if I had no fear...so yeah I'm going to shut up now"
"Sorry I'm in a weird mood tonight. I just started silently freaking out because by accident instead of texting Josh, I touched his name on my cellphone screen so it went to the page to call him. If I pressed the wrong button then I would have called him. So I slowly pressed the button to go back. Crisis averted.
Oh that's something else to add to my list, I wouldn't be afraid to text Josh whenever I want. Currently, because I am a scared little girl, I won't text him back too quickly - don't want to see to desperate or attached you know.
God, why am I so messed up? Why has this world made me so messed up? I've actually had no say in who I am now. Actually forget I said that because I don't want to get into that. I want to go to sleep. I am going to text Josh and tell him I am going to sleep and tell him goodnight and then I am going to wait up until he texts me back saying goodnight.
Alright. Also if I wasn't afraid then I would tell Josh how every night I look forward to that one stupid word and little smilie face. If I wasn't afraid I would just show him this silly little blog, actually I would show everyone it. But that for sure isn't happening. For sure now I am going to sleep. It's 9:56. Goodnight! (:"

- January 30, 2011 surprise welcome home party

"Um I feel like I should be saying more. I probably should mention something about Josh, since you know he was one of the people who organized the whole thing, but I don't know what to say. I think I should just get ready for Bella's party. Then after that I have to do homework. And I have to charge my phone in case someone decides to text me."

So now I'm going to skip a lot of posts that aren't really significant, but I probably would have included like an hour ago, see the next post to find out way I no longer feel like it
- February 5, 2011

"so i just watched the movie called "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" and while I was, I was texting Josh - until he played his videogame but you know. anyways the coincidence was that the song between the main character and his "girl" was the song "Secrets" by Onerepublic. which i love anyways. but the other day josh had asked for music suggestions, and then i asked for some in return. and one of them he said was "secrets" so i asked if that was by Onerepublic, and he said yeah it was, and that he liked it and such.
So what are the odds that the movie my sisters decide to watch has that song in it and that I decide to watch it, because they had watched a movie earlier that I didn't watch. And what are the odds that he would have mentioned that song, he said he just listed the songs he listened to most recently, and that i would ask him about that one song."

- February 12, 2011

"Yesterday Abby said she was talking to my "future boyfriend," do you guys (referring to possible future readers) know who she was talking about? Probably if you actually read this thing...But is that what is going to happen eventually? You know when a girl is interested in a guy and he seems interested in her back, they start dating, correct? I don't really know, I've never had it happen before. But what does that even entail? I know it is different for every couple. So I can't look at Abby's relationship and expect that have that. I can't really base my relationships off anything, except what I want and expect, and that will change with different people. Gasp, did I just hint at the fact that in my life i'll have more than one boyfriend? Yeah I did. But blah. My mind is all messy right now. Let's focus on the guy that might actually have the label "boyfriend" is in the future. Do I think he could be? Yes. Do I think it might end up that he never is? Yes. I don't know. It's like I'm in high school so everything is sort of hard. I've read things about in college, when you meet someone you're interested in you immediately go out with them and skip the whole "friends" part, but that doesn't mean you are "boyfriend/girlfriend." But for some reason in high school the steps go like this: friends, then boyfriend/girlfriend. There is almost no in between. I'm not ready for that jump, because it seems so huge to me. I don't want to jump half-heartedly. I want to be ready. I think I'm moving in the right direction though. The other day Josh waited while I got my stuff at my locker to talk to me. Everyone else had already gone off but he waited and talked to me. I didn't talk to him much because I had a driving appointment I had to get to, and that had been an extremely long and tiring day but I was glad he did. And I still text him every night and he always texts me back. And in the next two weeks there are two possible out-of-school outings where I would see him, Justin Bieber movie and sledding."

- February 25, 2011, Josh gets a tumblr which will freak me out in less than three months from then

"josh got a tumblr today. it wasn't that hard to convince him to make one. i pretty much said, you should make a tumblr. he didn't want to make one then, so i said how about tomorrow? and he made one. easy peasy. so far all he has done is made one text post himself, and reblogged me. the last post he reblogged from me was 12 pages in my blog, from February 6th. I was not expecting him to go back that far into my posts. I should have looked back there to make sure they were all quality. oh well, they're there. we will see how him having a tumblr goes though because tumblr if a very peculiar place. but i like it very much so i'm going back there now when i really should be going to sleep, maybe shortly."

- March 12, 2011
"I'll probably mess up my friendship with Josh too."
still afraid of this.
- March 29, 2011, i say i'll go to prom with the wrong guy, which triggers so much nonsense in my head

And now I'm done with this, I mentioned Josh's name 71 times during the month of April, and then May happened it, and now it's now, which is 8:23PM on May 23, 2011.