this is stupid high school. it's supposed to be better than elementary school. right?

i've been waiting to write this post ever since about 10:40 A.M.. grrr agragdfasdf. i'm trying to remember what i was feeling then. oh i remember it quite greatly. let me explain.

so today at lunch i was relatively quiet but i didn't mind because i don't think of quiet as awkward and plus Jayna and Abby were exhausted. i didn't really care. so then we went to dump our trays and i was waiting for Jayna and Abby so we could walk back together like we normally do. then Jayna was talking to Abby and I stood there waiting and then they started to go to the hand sanitizer so i started to go with them but apparently they didn't want me to go. or at least Jayna didn't want me to. okay. great. so i went and sat back down in my seat. it made me feel like CRAP. there was Colin who is nice but i have never been close to him so the silence between us was awkward especially since i was a bit annoying. and there was Sarah but she doesn't talk. i don't blame her but it's so hard to hold a conversation with her. anyways. so they were coming back but they get to the end of the table away from me so i was still out of hearing range and they stand there and keep talking. that got me REALLY annoyed. i'm just sitting there with no one sitting next to me or across from me, just looking like a freak. and there they were just talking away. and every once in a while they would look over at me. then guess what they do? THEY SIT DOWN. they sit down over at the other end of the table. i can see them completely and they can see me but they are too far away for me to hear and it is obvious the only reason they are over there is because they don't want me to listen. Jayna probably wanted to talk to Abby about me. complain. DO IT IN OUR OWN TIME. lunch is the only time of the day I have to spend with Abby so don't take her away from me and talk about me behind my back. wait. it wasn't behind my back. it was IN FRONT OF MY FACE. maybe they weren't talking about me. that isn't the point. the point is that it made me feel awful. i barely see Abby as it is, and no matter how much i don't want to admit but we are mostly likely growing apart since we never see her. Abby's getting married to her best friend, Avarie. she spent countless hours with everyone on the play. i'm just the girl she sees for 48 minutes every OTHER day during lunch. i don't always even talk to her everyday! am i jealous? YES. which is horrible but i can't help it. Abby is the only real friend i have. I have Stephanie but she will always pick Shelbie or Michelle over me. no one else even comes close. but now i'm getting off topic. i need to focus myself. let me start a new paragraph.

maybe it wouldn't annoy other people as much as it annoyed me. maybe that is because it remembers me so much of elementary school. SO MUCH. that is what Shannon would always do. she would always talk Alania away and talk to her or play with her without me. leaving me by myself. they would talk about me and look over at me. during recess. lunch. IT STUNK! I FELT LIKE CRAP. i cried because of them. many times. this is high school stuff like that isn't supposed to happen! isn't high school not supposed to be like elementary school? i was supposed to be able to get away from all that stuff. but of course not. i can put up with other things but this isn't one of them. you hit a nerve, good job.

and to make it worse you had Ryan over on the other side who could see me sitting there like a freak. and behind me you had Paul, and normally you would have Adam but luckily he wasn't here, and all the other guys. and EVERYONE in the cafeteria seeing me sitting there like a freak. you might be saying that i shouldn't care what other people think but the truth is I DO every much so. maybe someday i won't but right now i do. but that's a side note. even if there was no one in the cafeteria this would still make me very mad. too bad one of those guys didn't take pitty on me and come sit next to me.

and then Casey came over and sat down next to them while they were still over. oh so i guess it wasn't private enough that Casey couldn't hear. then Abby gestured for Colin to come over to them. but he looked at me like he couldn't leave me here by myself while i was fuming. so then they came back over. Jayna said sorry but at that point it was mad. now the silence between us was awkward. well that's what they get. GAH. and before Abby had sent Casey over to scare me because I had the hiccups but i hadn't had the hiccups since i started eating. so it just looked like Casey was attacking me or making fun of me because i was sulking. GAAAH.

someone is probably thinking to themselves right now that i'm overreacting and being stupid. maybe. but you don't know how awful it made me feel, sitting there by myself, able to see them talking together, leaving me out intentially. i've been left out soooooooooo many times during my life. all the time. and then during lunch with abby, the one time when i know i have someone to sit with and i won't be left out - i get left out. you have no idea how it felt unless you were the one sitting at that table by yourself, trying your hardest not to look over at them talking about you or whatever they were talking about.

Colin tried to comfort me at one point by saying that he thought they were talking about post-show stuff, he said that was all he picked up on. well if that was all it was why couldn't they talk about that while i was listening? because it's obvious i am the only one they didn't want to hear. Casey could hear. Colin could hear. Sarah was close enough that she could probably hear. i hattteeeee hate hate hate it.

Abby you are probably going to read this and feel bad and talk to me but what good is that going to do? you didn't know that it would bring back all the ugly memories of elementary school. and all the other memories of being left out. i'm not trying to hurt you or make you feel bad. i just need to get this all off my chest. cause it makes me mad. and it hurts. it hurts a lot. if i was upstairs alone in my room now i would probably be crying. grand isn't it?

maybe i'll run away and live with Dakota and manage her band for her. okay maybe it isn't that big of a deal. but tomorrow i'll have second lunch but i feel just as left out in that lunch since Shelbie and Stephanie talk together and Becca just annoys me and i have to deal with Heather. i normally just stay silent all lunch. today was supposed to be a good lunch today. instead it just tore me apart.

i think i might be done. but i feel like i haven't gotten the point across. i don't know if i ever can without someone actually jumping into my body and feeling what i felt and what i feel now.

great. the song that reminds me of Abby just came on. it's not that i'm really mad at her. more Jayna. of course i forgive Abby, i forgave her the second after it happened because she's all i have. you don't know messing stuff up like that. but with my luck this blog post just messed it up. or this whole blog in general messed it up.

deep breath. time for algebra homework. then history homework. then i'll probably be back to complain about my life some more.