the blush ain't paralyzing no school crush.

and that's the truth if you ignore the double negative. those are yucky.

abby makes me smile and laugh. read what she wrote in her blog: "ha, molly's blog is the one the would change someone or make them think differently than they would before. she has this way with words that just amazes me. she knows how to communicate with people on a level that i can't seem to work on.." guess what part made me smile and what part made me laugh. everything except for the "she knows how to communicate with people on a level that i can't seem to work on.." that made me laugh in my head. not out loud. that would be weird. not that i haven't done it before. but anyways. let me tell you why. because i can't sustain a conversation with anyone when i actually have to speak. gasp! speak! like with your vocal cords! oh my goodness. i guess what you think communication you think speaking automatically. well i do. so let's concentrate on that part of it first. i have trouble speaking well. not really. my nerves just get the best of me and i can't think of what to say. i actually can talk quite well. well i did i have to go to a speak room when i was younger so my voice is probably weird but i can't hear what you all hear so i don't know. but anyways i can't communicate with people well using my voice. Abby can though. people sort of gravitate towards her. she leaves to go to homeroom and soon everyone is following her and going to homeroom. she sits down at a lunch table and everyone sits down at the same lunch table. maybe it is just a certain group of friends but she had to say or do something to make them sort of follow her like that. it's sort of scary. and creepy. but hey i'm one of those followers. i like to believe she enjoys my company though. so look at abby with her magical abilities then look at me who struggles to have one conversation with one random person. i'm just like that. i guess. but it would be a completely different world if we all communicated by writing. i think i should get a new paragraph. this one is getting too big and people have trouble following large paragraphs. they scare them.

better? anyways. if i could just type everything with everyone i would be so much better off. today i was talking to i believe four or five college representatives at once on my computer. i think i did a pretty good job. and you're welcome abby, i thought that online college fair was pretty cool. it was my type of college fair.

and going back to abby's post seeing as that is sort of what we are talking about now. wait i didn't post her whole blog up there so i'll do that now just for future reference, abby you can just skip over this: "how cool would it be to be paid for blogging? dude but that would mean that more people would have to start viewing what i see.. that might mean that i would need to make this blog about one thing. much like my other bloog...maybe i should come out of this little world of hiding and publish my blog somewhere. like "here look at my blog please" -facebook. maybe? but then i wouldn't know who was reading it meaning family friends anyone.. i like knowing that molly reads it.. whenever i DO post something. but you know i want to think that maybe i could change someone just by them reading this. ha, molly's blog is the one the would change someone or make them think differently than they would before. she has this way with words that just amazes me. she knows how to communicate with people on a level that i can't seem to work on.. omg i have to see UMASS on collage live (thank you molly!!) bbl!
love you all"

since i'm out of creative ideas of what to write about i'll write about what abby wrote about. see if would be cool if we were paid. per post. i would be rich. but then if we were paid per view i would be poor. because abby's the only one i let see this blog. because i'm just like that. i'm afraid of who will see it and i won't know who is seeing it and i could be talking about them. such as back when i talked about devin and then she read it. it's like writing a burn book and then it getting shared with everyone! wasn't that in Mean Girls? i watched that movie while i was babysitting once, it happened to be on tv. i don't know if my mom even knows i've seen it. and about coming out of my little hole of hiding which is bigger than abby's little hole because possibly someone could be reading her blog that she doesn't know about. i know that only she is reading it. but anyways. i sometimes wish everyone read my blog. then they would just know everything about me and i would be all set. i wouldn't have to worry about exposing my true self to the world if what i'm being in school isn't my true self...i'm still not sure. too bad i don't know who i am actually am. that whole teenage identify crisis thing. it would be easier if someone just stole it, then i would know where to find it. but we aren't talking about that are we?

i sometimes image if everyone read my blog. would they want to read it? would they get excited when they saw i posted again? or would they think this was stupid? but i guess with every great work of art or anything really worth while you have your fans and your haters. you wouldn't be without them. but is it better to have people who actually take a stand for or against your work or people who could care less about your work or don't even know about your work? get what i'm getting at? too bad you can't just read into my mind that would be easier.

i think the main reason i don't let people read my blog is because i am afraid of what they think. i can't take that sort of reviews i guess unfortunately. or maybe i can. i don't know i've never tried. what if my mother read this? oh my goodness. i won't even let her read my fiction works. but that is because i feel like she will judge me after she reads it. i feel like everyone would judge me after reading my work of fiction. compare me to the main girl. think Desiree's life is mine when i tried my hardest not to make it be. but i can't help but put some of myself into it which is also scary to think about other people reading...me. which is why this blog is every worse. this has everything in it. i don't hold back because i have to hold back in every other part of my life, why this one too? our world is so much coated with lies because of the way our society is. we have to act a certain way, be a certain way, and if not then you get a big X put on your face. literally. okay not but you know what i mean. you aren't supposed to talk about people behind their back, you aren't supposed to have feelings for more than one guy, you aren't supposed to have feelings, you are supposed to try your best, you are supposed to make sense...all these unwritten rules. there is a book called The Unwritten Rule but it hasn't come in from the library yet.

one last thing that reminded me. my fingers are hurting now.

i sent this e-mail to the author of Twisted, Carolyn, because i was feeling inspired or in that mood i guess but this is what i wrote: "Hi Carolyn,
I feel weird writing this. But hey I just read a book where a guy IMs a girl he has never seen/met/acknowledged even though she was right over his shoulder at one point and ends up traveling to New York City to see her. Not that it really has anything to do with writing an email to the author who wrote that book but anyways. I'm not sure what I want to tell you. I just wrote in my blog...take a moment to smile because I loved that Owen writes a blog, now continue reading...about Tangled so I think I should share it with you instead of making a fool of myself trying to write this e-mail to you. If you have the time, go ahead and read it, if your children and/or husband and/or laundry is currently screaming then go and take care of that. I will never know if you actually read it or not. But one thing to read before you go quiet down some family and/or clothing- thank you."
then i included the post i posted before about Tangled, you already read it. and i wasn't expecting a response because i already got an automatic response saying "Hey there! This is Carolyn (well, actually, Carolyn's automated response). Thank you so much for writing to me. I love getting emails from my readers.

I want you to know that I read every single email that comes in. However I'm not able to respond to all my messages (otherwise I'd never write another book). But they mean so much to me. In fact, the letters from my readers are so special that I often print them out and keep them near my computer, reminders of why I'm writing books.

In book news, be sure to check out my new novel, TANGLED. It is on sale now. I can't wait to hear what you think of it!

Thanks again for writing.

Best wishes,
Carolyn Mackler"
and it said on her website that she doesn't write back blah blah blah so i wasn't expecting anything. then i got this nice little email "Molly,

Thank you for your wonderful and thoughtful email. It made me smile!

Love,
Carolyn" it's short and she probably sends it to a bunch of people but hopefully i really did make her smile and maybe i was the special one she sent a message to and maybe she even printed it out. you never know. but i got one back didn't i?

ah. i want to keep writing. i feel like this is the first time all day i've actually talked. crap.