dodge the ball. throw the ball at the balls.

hahaha.

our school has a dodgeball tournament every year. i didn't go last year. and i wasn't planning on going this year. then Miss Dana Delaney, a girl from my riding team - i like her very much but unfortunately we don't go to the same school so we aren't that close. i wish we were better friends. like a lot so. anyways. she arrived at the barn and she said she was going to walk over to the tournament from the barn at six. it was before three then. she was just going to spend the whole time at the barn. and the friend that she was going to go with couldn't and Taylor, who i have talked about, was going but she didn't feel like she could rely on her. so i'm like. i should go with you! i have to get my homework done first but i would like to go. one of the reasons i wasn't going to go in the first place was because i didn't have anyone to go with. so i worked it out with my mom and such that i would go home and do my homework while Dana rode then my mom would pick Maeve up from track and pick Dana up at the same time and bring her to our house so she could eat. so that we did and we had pizza. we weren't home for long before we headed over to the school. while we were eating dinner Bella called, she and I had an awkward phone convo, then we picked her up and she came with us.

now the actually tournament wasn't that exciting. i just got to fantasize over some guys and i got to actually TALK about them with some girls. it was fabulous. we talked guys a lot. and you don't get it. boys do not come up in my house. if ever it is because my dad is joking around which just makes us feel uncomfortable. well me at least because i don't have any guys talking to me. i figured out that only two guys ever talk to me. Ian talks to me when he needs help on his algebra homework. matt talks to me because he is a creeper. great. Dana and Bella started talking about their guy relationships stuff and they were saying how when a guy talks to you it isn't because he likes you, they just want to be friends. i made some comment about how they were lucky they even had guys interested in them, or guys talking to them. they didn't have much of a response for that, just like how it wasn't all that fabulous. it's not like i want to rush out and get a boyfriend. i'm just sick of how their eyes just pass me over like i don't even exist. why? because i don't talk most likely. well i'm sorry but it doesn't come as naturally to me as it does everyone else. i have to try really hard. honestly i'm probably not trying hard enough. i just go through school silent. it makes me frustrated. i make myself frustrated because i know that i am the problem, not the boys.

wasn't this year supposed to be my year? i wonder why it's not. oh right. because i'm me.

today i had the perfect opportunity to talk to Adam Munska. he is a cute boy in my history honors class. one of the guys that i may actually have a chance with unlike Keith. we were in a group and i had a chance to say something but instead i just turned around and waited until it was time to come back together. i had no idea what to say. he probably thinks i'm not interested in him at all. i don't want him for a boyfriend, i just want to get to know him better because he seems like a good guy. gah. why couldn't i have just asked him a question or something. agjadlkfjlkalskd. i just want this year to be over. maybe next year will be better.

molly why do you have that attitude? why wait till next year? what about tomorrow? there might not even be a tomorrow so make the most of your life while you can. if your not happy with it then change it. go out tomorrow and don't shut up until everyone knows who you are.

that's great advice up there but i know i won't take it. why? why not? i don't have a good answer for that other than that i've cast myself into a sort of cast, mold, stereotype and i know that i do it but i can't break free. i don't have the confidence.

i don't think writing this all out is helping me much. i can see all my faults clearly but i don't know how to change them. i do sort of but i just...can't. i can but it's hard. no one said this was going to be easy. who said i was going to do it? i'm walking in circles here.

i just wrote this wonderful blog. it's all up there. but there's something missing. don't you think? maybe the will to actually make a change. so tomorrow will be just like every other day and the next day will be the same. it will keep being like that until i break free. until that one breaking point when i say to myself "i'm going to do this. no one is going to stop me. not even myself". when that day comes then i'll let everyone see who i am. i'll talk. my voice won't change when i talk to different people. there won't be two different ones - friend molly and school molly. there will just be molly.

just let that day hurry up.