another quote from that book on page 201. "But still, you should put yourself out there more. Do stuff, let people know who you are, you know? Because you aren't that bad really." said from the brother directed to the sister, the narrator.

okay it's 8:22 and i just finished that book. i believe i started it last night. yeppers. it was good. i like this Elizabeth Scott. hopefully one day the lessons in these books will sink into my head. or maybe they are like those things that you can repeat over and over again but you'll never get until you actually experience it. sigh. here i am waiting. maybe i should stop waiting and actually go out and make a change. in the book Kate hadn't wanted the change which brought about happiness in the form of a guy and also a lot of other horrible family stuff. what if i want the change. what if i want to bring the good and the bad on me? i'm not saying i do because they second i do all the bad stuff will probably be upon me and i won't get any of the good.

i should stop trying to be so "deep". who am i to talk anyways? i all do i spend all day looking at guys but i never talk to them even when i could easily if i wanted to. so don't listen to me. any advice i gave you is invalid. i don't have enough experience to be giving people advice.

but don't feel bad for me. my life is wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. but only when compared to other people's lives. goodness. ew. erase that word. ah. erase that too. there is no word to give me a transition into whatever my brain is going to say next. one of these days i'll do something big that will change my life. i'll either see the good from it right away or i'll see the bad. welllllllllllll.

honestly i just don't want to go up to bed now. it's 8:29. i have to get in the shower, resist the temptation to start a new book, and go to bed. i just need to stop typing, press the big orange button, and get off of this computer. why do you have to be so tempting blog? like how now i want to talk about the shirt i wore today and why i wore it today instead of tomorrow or friday (tomorrow is a B day, and friday is a half day). molly shut up. ouch.

i don't want to end with that. so instead i'll begin.

BEGIN

i stole that from the book i just read. and i just ruined it by writing more. lalalalalalalalalalalalalaal. now i'm just being annoying and boring. and that last "al" instead of "la" was on purpose.

stopping now. or not. hahaha. why am i doing this to myself? because i know that if i stop that means i will have to go to bed which means i am admitting that another day just went by without me doing anything. well i did do lots of things but you know what i'm talking about. i did ride my horse outside today even though i was scared and when i got back i was fine.

when i was going to sleep yesterday you know how i sort of imagine something so i don't have to think about school and such when i go to bed? well i imagined that we were watching Roots in history and i did my whole really hot/can't see/fainting/pale white skin thing but while my body was freaking out my mind was fine so i was telling everyone what to do. i had Adam and another guy - Keith or Emmett help me walk out into the hallway. seeing as i had no strength they pretty much carried me. and then they placed me on the ground and someone got me some water and everyone was crowded around me seeing if i was okay. and then i told them i was still really hot so i had them bring me outside. and then i told them i wanted Abby because she would know what to do and i told them she was in Ms. Tracy's room and they went to get her. and in all of this the nurse was out sick because i didn't want her to come. and they asked if i wanted my sister to come but i didn't because i didn't want to scare her. and during this everyone was all concerned for me. but then i shooed them all away and then i asked myself what it meant that i was dreaming about something like that. it didn't come true though.

it's 8:36. good job molly you managed to stall that long. now you'll just be more tired tomorrow because of this stupid blog. gakadjkadjkfajsdlkgjakdhgfkajdkgjadkgjakdfjksdj. ahhahahhhahhahhh. you're pathetic.

no i'm not.

the schedule of sophomore year of molly as of now.

spanish.
art.
bio.
(A) lunch then gym.
(B) bio then lunch.
algebra honors.
english honors.
history honors.

HAHAHA. just kidding. let me really tell you what it is. i'll start when i pull into the driveway.

-get out of the car and walk into the building. think about who is watching me walk to school and what they are thinking. do they think i look like maeve? do they know what i would do for maeve? do they know what my life is like out of school?
-say goodbye to maeve and walk into the hallway. see if abby and her group is around. then see if becca is around. then just go to my locker and get everything i need.
-walk to homeroom. try to keep my head held high and act like i am almighty and powerful and don't care what anyone thinks when i walk by. try to get the day off to a good start.
-walk into homeroom, avoid Katelyn/Becca. find Abby. smile at her. access the situation and see if i should go over to Abby or Jayna or anyone else in there or just sit in my seat.
listen to the chatter during homeroom making sure none is directed towards me. stay silent. wait until the bell rings.
-walk up the stairs to spanish trying not to get run over while acting like everyone should move out of my way (that never happens)
-go into spanish, see who else is already in there, get my book, sit down, say hi to sarah, and watch as everyone comes in. pay special attention to the following: Adam M, Keith, Dan, Paul, and Ian. see what color plaid shirt Adam is wearing today. listen in to their chatter. survive through the class.
-walk to my locker. look for maeve in the stairwell. get my snack from my locker and go to art. when on second floor look out for Ryan on B days when he is going to chemistry.
-enjoy myself in art class with Mr. Smith and Ally. keep my eye on Dan and Scott.
-go back down to my locker and while walking down the hallway next to the cafeteria watch as Paul walks by and wonder if he is trying not to look at me because he doesn't want to admit he is attracted to/interested in me.
- get bio stuff, and walk to bio. look out for Ryan on A days when he is going to chemistry next door (today i walked right behind him down the science hallway and he turned around like he was seeing who was behind him, we didn't make eye contact but he knew i was there but he also didn't say anything but i didn't get the huge nervousness feeling that i should if i had a huge crush on him) and on B days look into Mr. Cole's room as i walk by for a certain someone.
-as i enter the classroom avoid eye contact with Katelyn while she is looking like a thug while resting her head on her hand. hope she doesn't talk to me. watch as Emmett comes in. try to survive through the rest of bio class.
A DAYS as follows:
-leave bio and watch for Ryan also leaving his science class. walk down to my locker without Katelyn and/or Paige. keep my head held high and act like i'm the best thing every but probably come off as cold and unfriendly
-drop my stuff off in my locker and wait for Abby to arrive. go into the lunch room and get food. sit down while trying not to look to see if Adam and Paul are sitting at the table behind me and to my left or if Ryan is at the table to my right also behind me.
-eat food and attempt to make conversation.
-get up and walk past the tables discussed above, trying to make a good appearance of myself.
-sit down and make more conversation or watch them spin quarters until it is time to go.
-get my gym bag and head to gym, keeping an eye on Ryan's locker to see if he is there or if he has already left for band (not a stalker, i just know that is when Jayna has band and they have band together i believe). walk through all the people trying to keep my head held high.
-arrive in the locker room. say hi to Lyndsey then go to the bathroom. get changed. wait for Katelyn. walk up to the gym and wait for attendance to be taken. watch Paul as i do so. also keep an eye on Ian, Emmett, and anyone else that seems attractive that day.
-survive through gym and try to talk to Jocelyn and become somewhat friends. go down to the locker room. get changed. and walk to my locker to get my algebra stuff. keep an eye out for Paul when i walk through the hallway because i normally pass him.
-get my stuff and walk quickly up the stairs to algebra because i'm always afraid i'll be late. pass by the cute freshmen. and sit in my seat to begin algebra.
B DAYS as follows after bio:
-take my break from bio and walk down the stairs, while watching for Ryan, go and talk to Abby for about two seconds, then walk back up the stairs while trying to minimize conversation with Katelyn.
-survive through another period of bio.
-go to my locker and if Becca and Steph happen to be at their lockers, walk in with them. if they aren't there that means they already left and go in by myself.
-normally wait in the lunch line by myself, get lunch, and sit down.
-eat, maybe have a conversation with Becca, but mostly just look at the clock and will it to move faster. keep an eye on Keith.
-lunch ends, walk to my locker with Steph, get my stuff, then walk to algebra with Steph and Becca. sit down.
A AND B DAYS as follows:
-survive through algebra by watching Dimitri and Ian all period.
-walk with Steph back down to my locker while avoiding evil eighth graders running up the stairs.
-get my stuff and walk to english class.
-make it through english class.
-walk back to my locker, while walking down the stairs look out for Ryan who will be coming up the stairs, if i do not see him then look for him at his locker when i pass by.
-get my history stuff from my locker and walk with Steph to history.
-get through history while listening to the lovely chatter and all that stuff too immature for an honors class thanks to Steven, Keith, and Emmett. at least i look at Keith during the period,
-during history sense Adam's presence behind me and beat myself up for not saying anything to him day after day.
-the bell rings and i'm very glad the day is over. walk with Steph to my locker, passing by Ryan's locker again.
-get my stuff and leave while keeping my eyes open for anyone i should be looking at before i leave them all behind.
-take the bus, bus 1 when i go home or bus 2 when i go to the barn. when i go home i listen to my ipod when i go to the barn i wait 5 minutes.
-and then i'm home and i write about my day in this blog.

right now i am listening to the band, that i am going to go see, doing some improv on the guitar and drums. it's not that bad. it sounds like they know what they are doing. chyeah. i am going to go do algebra homework now. then i'm going to go through my schedule and share a quote with me. i'll do it all in this post. alllreayyyyydadytyyy.

it's 6:49 now. i was doing algebra corrections but then i got upset because i did corrections already for that page but i got almost all of those wrong and i can't figure out what i'm doing wrong. and i can only afford to get 8 wrong out of the 14 i already have wrong. and tomorrow is the last day i can hand them in. so i'm going to do it during lunch and copy Stephanie. because i don't know what else i should be doing. this chapter test is going to be fun.

but let me find you that lovely quote. it's from the book Perfect You by Elizabeth Scott. and just so you know that book I was talking about before was Something, Maybe also written by Elizabeth Scott. and now for the quote. it's on page 193.

I waited for Grandma to say something, but she just looked at me for a long moment.
"I want to tell you something," she finally said, her voice quiet. "You tell yourself that you aren't something for that you can't be something, and you know what? It will become true. You have to decide who you are and what you can do and then go after what you want. Because believe me, no one is going to give it to you."
"Grandma-"
She patted my arm. "Think about it, darling, all right? The world will knock you down plenty. You don't need to be doing it to yourself."

sooooo yeah. i should be telling that to myself. hopefully i will believe it someday and go out and make myself what i want to be. and now i'm going to start a new post in order to go through my schedule because i know you have all been dying to see what my schedule is really like.

finished the book.

i think i started it yesterday? well i was on like page 13 this morning and now it's done. and i was right. Josh turned out to be a jerk only interested in Hannah's mother and Finn was perfect for her. obviously. i'm glad it all ended up happily ever after - it gives me hope that my happily ever after can really happen too.

ah. i'm worried about a spanish quiz. first time in a long time. i have an 89 in that class. i have to do on this quiz to bring it up. an 89 might not sound bad but it sort of is to me. i've been a straight A student since the beginning of time. the only acceptable 80 is in an honors class, especially not in spanish where that is known as an easier class. goodness. and this could be the quarter where i have all As if my algebra grade stays up. oh goodness. well at least i'm worrying about school. the way i've been talking in this blog lately it seemed like all i worry about is guys and how i look. unfortunately my life consists of more than that or fortunately. maybe i should study some more for spanish. goodness. goodness. that's really annoying how i have said goodness a bunch of times in this paragraph. goodness.

do you know me? truly know me? Finn seemed to know Hannah so well and i can't believe that a guy could actually know a girl that well. just by her facial expressions and how she says things. maybe that's because it is a fiction book. but i can hope that maybe someday i'll find someone who can. maybe it won't happen while i'm in high school. maybe it will. maybe it would if i opened up more. but the guy won't need me to open up. i won't need to do anything for him and he won't need to do anything for me. we can just be.

look at me. the hopeless romantic. i never thought about myself as one till now. but i am. pretty much. too bad. that means i have more expectations to be disappointed than the non hopeless romantic. i should shut up now and maybe study. or start reading another book before i have to read a book for english class. those are never as good as the lovely books i enjoy reading.

ahhhh. ah. ah. i'm not really screaming. i'm sitting here calmly telling myself that everything will work out. that things will get better. and that they aren't all that bad now but they can get better. well they could get worse but hopefully there is more than this out there. because my life is boring. the most exciting part is writing this blog.

i forgot to mention how much i love my job (end sarcasm). the dog got out of his crate, tipped over the trash can, destroyed all the trash, threw the trash all over the living room and kitchen, pooped and peed in the house, and made me clean it all up. well the girls weren't going to do it of course. i should get a raise.

sigh. okay. i should stop now. and in case you were wondering the woman i babysit for gave me a ride home. i saw Ryan's car in his driveway. because i'm creepy like that and look when i drive or walk by. the hopeless romantic side of me is saying "he could be looking out of the window waiting for you to walk by and every time you look up he hopes that you will see him but he tells himself that you aren't looking at him or his house or his car, you are just walking by and don't care about him. but he hopes that maybe one day he figure you out". but we both know that isn't true.

thanks to my buddy Tony Oller (i don't really know him don't think that something amazing happened in my life. i'm just kidding) introduced me (he didn't really) to Savannah and her sound If You Only Knew because he is in the music video. but here are the lyrics to it. i think i'll end with those. for real. and now i'm listening to the song as well.

If you only knew that I think about you
In a kinda secret way
I say kind of 'cause
Well it's obvious
I must be feeling these things

Too bad you can't tell 'cause...

If you only knew it would be a dream come true
Standing next to you
Yeah I might go insane to know
That you feel the same as I do
If You Only Knew

If you only knew I write songs about you
In the lyrics of the feel
I imagine us chillin' out and stuff
When I close my eyes this is real

Singing out your name
If you only knew it would be a dream come true
Standing next to you
Yeah I might go insane to know
That you feel the same as I do
And then maybe someday
You'd write me a song too
If I had it my way
If you only knew
If you only knew

If you only knew it would be a dream come true
Standing next to you
Yeah I might go insane!
If you only knew it would be a dream come true
Standing next to you
Yeah I might go insane to know
That you feel the same as I do
If You Only Knew

end of song but you knew i couldn't end with that. tomorrow i'm going to write about my school day but in a way that tells you what i'm really thinking and looking for throughout the day.

just so random things.

first off jayna must have caught wind that i was upset yesterday at lunch. which made her even more upset. so upset that when she said she was sorry and i gave her a hug that she started crying. i was going to go to the bathroom with her but then she just ran away. now i feel bad. but i know that everything will be okay. jayna just needs to take a day off and relax, this whole being a crow in a play has got her too stressed out. but i'm not going to worry about it. so that's that. i'm not mad at Jayna. and i know that everything will work out. just have to keep holding on.

on a more positive note? maybe not. but i just started reading this book. so this girl, Hannah, thinks that her "soul mate" is this guy name Josh who cares about the world, and reads, and is into politics, and such but he's just all talk. do you an image of him? well he has a girlfriend and he flirts with Hannah. and Hannah is freaking out because she thinks he likes her and she is ahhh! i should ask him about blah blah. what she doesn't realize is that annoying guy, Finn, that she also works with is perfect for her! he cares about her and doesn't go around talking about helping the planet. so when one guy picks on Hannah (long story short) Finn beats up the guy while Josh just comes over and talks to Hannah. and then Finn interrupts Hannah and Josh. and Hannah just treats Finn like dirt! Finn is Hannah's soul mate! it's obvious how the story is going to go but Abby if there is ever a situation that i am in like that i would like you to yell in my face until i understand who is the correct guy for me. k? of course maybe i have to figure it out for myself but it would help to have a little clarification about the correct guy.

and i would to mention something Mr. Broaddus said today about how birds don't choose to migrate, it's instinct. which can be translated so say that i don't choose to look at all these guys and think these thoughts about them - it's instinct. of course it's a bit modified than "animal instinct". more like i just want them to talk to me. but you know it's along the same lines. so there is my justification.

there was something else...maybe that was all. i get to walk to babysitting in the pouring rain. it is pouring out. and the wind is blowing. i'm going to have fun. too bad Ryan is at track. too bad it would be illegal for him to drive me. well he gets out of track at 4 today and i get out of babysitting at 4:30 so he could give me an illegal ride then. probably not. the woman i babysit for will either offer me a ride so i'll walk home in the rain. YAY!

ah. i think that is it. each day seems like a repeat of the next. ignoring the Jayna drama but i am because that would be the first piece of drama that i was dragged into and i was dragged into it because someone didn't want to drag me into it. make sense? well whatever. i'm already over and done with it. i would be very happy if it was never brought up again. i'm just like that. i think i am going to do something more productive for the last 15 minutes before i have to go babysit. like to go the bathroom then read and try not to forget to leave no matter how appealing it is to stay home, dry and warm.

so you all knew this post was coming.

yep. this would be the post where i correct everything i said in the last post. so abby read the post and apparently Jayna called someone a bad name and she was worried about what would happen if someone told an adult. and she didn't want to get me involved since i was stressed already with school or whatever. very considerate of her but too bad it backfired and just got me pissed. so yeah. i'm still annoyed but i'll get over it. abby felt bad but it wasn't really her fault. and jayna felt bad i guess but if she felt that bad she would shut up, get over her drama, and come back and sit with me. abby wasn't supposed to tell me about all that but honestly i'm not going to stress over jayna's drama, i am smarter than that and i have enough to worry about. such as being a teenager. it takes a lot of effort. um. i don't think i want to say anything else about that.

isn't it strange how caught up we get in little things when in a few years it won't matter at all? it guess it is the way our society is set up and how time works. like how we should live in the moment since you never know when it will be your last one but to remember the big picture too. confusing, eh?

well you know how i enjoy thinking of the "what ifs" and it is very entertaining. it supplies me with plenty of things to think of at bedtime or on the bus ride home. a while ago i was thinking about The Twenty Tens, which never happened, then i was thinking about a guy who i have forgotten his name and i have now remembered - Mike Krupa. remember him? he was going to be my best gay friend but that never happened. now i'm on the whole Dakota/band thing and with my luck that won't ever happen either. or if it does it will end up being extremely awkward and all my fantasies of Dakota becoming a wonderful friend and becoming friends with her bandmates will be destroyed. and of course there are all those dreams including guys, none of which have happened. but hey if they did happen wouldn't that mean i can predict the future? maybe i should stop imaging all this stuff so it actually has a chance of happening. but what about positive thinking? i'm just driving myself crazy.

this blog is driving me crazy. i am trying to figure something to say that lets people see what a wonderful person i am and how i can see things no one else does. that's a lie. i'm just a normal person. but that sounds horrible. i'm just bored really. i should edit my novel. nahhh. wanna hear all my ideas for a new story i will write this summer? of course you do.

-Works at Nail Polish Store during Summer
-Super Heroes that Live W/ Us
-Airplane - everyone connected with a bunch of different stories. girl opens up magazine and crossword filled out - goes to a story about the guy who filled out the crossword. guy across the isle - story about him. Everyone has a reason and a story why they are on an airplane going from one place to the next
-The Quest About Being Heard - blog style
-Want a Big Sweet 16 Party - Tries to get as many friends as possible before then
-Walks to Work everyday, gets hit by a car, guy in car - gets to know him and struggles with if he likes her because of guilt or what?
-Band- girl gets invited to be a drummer in a band
-Neighbor stuff.

I think my favorite is the one where she tries to get as many friends as possible. but then her party turns out horrible obviously. all she would have to do is put an invitation up on facebook and everyone would show up though.

this is stupid high school. it's supposed to be better than elementary school. right?

i've been waiting to write this post ever since about 10:40 A.M.. grrr agragdfasdf. i'm trying to remember what i was feeling then. oh i remember it quite greatly. let me explain.

so today at lunch i was relatively quiet but i didn't mind because i don't think of quiet as awkward and plus Jayna and Abby were exhausted. i didn't really care. so then we went to dump our trays and i was waiting for Jayna and Abby so we could walk back together like we normally do. then Jayna was talking to Abby and I stood there waiting and then they started to go to the hand sanitizer so i started to go with them but apparently they didn't want me to go. or at least Jayna didn't want me to. okay. great. so i went and sat back down in my seat. it made me feel like CRAP. there was Colin who is nice but i have never been close to him so the silence between us was awkward especially since i was a bit annoying. and there was Sarah but she doesn't talk. i don't blame her but it's so hard to hold a conversation with her. anyways. so they were coming back but they get to the end of the table away from me so i was still out of hearing range and they stand there and keep talking. that got me REALLY annoyed. i'm just sitting there with no one sitting next to me or across from me, just looking like a freak. and there they were just talking away. and every once in a while they would look over at me. then guess what they do? THEY SIT DOWN. they sit down over at the other end of the table. i can see them completely and they can see me but they are too far away for me to hear and it is obvious the only reason they are over there is because they don't want me to listen. Jayna probably wanted to talk to Abby about me. complain. DO IT IN OUR OWN TIME. lunch is the only time of the day I have to spend with Abby so don't take her away from me and talk about me behind my back. wait. it wasn't behind my back. it was IN FRONT OF MY FACE. maybe they weren't talking about me. that isn't the point. the point is that it made me feel awful. i barely see Abby as it is, and no matter how much i don't want to admit but we are mostly likely growing apart since we never see her. Abby's getting married to her best friend, Avarie. she spent countless hours with everyone on the play. i'm just the girl she sees for 48 minutes every OTHER day during lunch. i don't always even talk to her everyday! am i jealous? YES. which is horrible but i can't help it. Abby is the only real friend i have. I have Stephanie but she will always pick Shelbie or Michelle over me. no one else even comes close. but now i'm getting off topic. i need to focus myself. let me start a new paragraph.

maybe it wouldn't annoy other people as much as it annoyed me. maybe that is because it remembers me so much of elementary school. SO MUCH. that is what Shannon would always do. she would always talk Alania away and talk to her or play with her without me. leaving me by myself. they would talk about me and look over at me. during recess. lunch. IT STUNK! I FELT LIKE CRAP. i cried because of them. many times. this is high school stuff like that isn't supposed to happen! isn't high school not supposed to be like elementary school? i was supposed to be able to get away from all that stuff. but of course not. i can put up with other things but this isn't one of them. you hit a nerve, good job.

and to make it worse you had Ryan over on the other side who could see me sitting there like a freak. and behind me you had Paul, and normally you would have Adam but luckily he wasn't here, and all the other guys. and EVERYONE in the cafeteria seeing me sitting there like a freak. you might be saying that i shouldn't care what other people think but the truth is I DO every much so. maybe someday i won't but right now i do. but that's a side note. even if there was no one in the cafeteria this would still make me very mad. too bad one of those guys didn't take pitty on me and come sit next to me.

and then Casey came over and sat down next to them while they were still over. oh so i guess it wasn't private enough that Casey couldn't hear. then Abby gestured for Colin to come over to them. but he looked at me like he couldn't leave me here by myself while i was fuming. so then they came back over. Jayna said sorry but at that point it was mad. now the silence between us was awkward. well that's what they get. GAH. and before Abby had sent Casey over to scare me because I had the hiccups but i hadn't had the hiccups since i started eating. so it just looked like Casey was attacking me or making fun of me because i was sulking. GAAAH.

someone is probably thinking to themselves right now that i'm overreacting and being stupid. maybe. but you don't know how awful it made me feel, sitting there by myself, able to see them talking together, leaving me out intentially. i've been left out soooooooooo many times during my life. all the time. and then during lunch with abby, the one time when i know i have someone to sit with and i won't be left out - i get left out. you have no idea how it felt unless you were the one sitting at that table by yourself, trying your hardest not to look over at them talking about you or whatever they were talking about.

Colin tried to comfort me at one point by saying that he thought they were talking about post-show stuff, he said that was all he picked up on. well if that was all it was why couldn't they talk about that while i was listening? because it's obvious i am the only one they didn't want to hear. Casey could hear. Colin could hear. Sarah was close enough that she could probably hear. i hattteeeee hate hate hate it.

Abby you are probably going to read this and feel bad and talk to me but what good is that going to do? you didn't know that it would bring back all the ugly memories of elementary school. and all the other memories of being left out. i'm not trying to hurt you or make you feel bad. i just need to get this all off my chest. cause it makes me mad. and it hurts. it hurts a lot. if i was upstairs alone in my room now i would probably be crying. grand isn't it?

maybe i'll run away and live with Dakota and manage her band for her. okay maybe it isn't that big of a deal. but tomorrow i'll have second lunch but i feel just as left out in that lunch since Shelbie and Stephanie talk together and Becca just annoys me and i have to deal with Heather. i normally just stay silent all lunch. today was supposed to be a good lunch today. instead it just tore me apart.

i think i might be done. but i feel like i haven't gotten the point across. i don't know if i ever can without someone actually jumping into my body and feeling what i felt and what i feel now.

great. the song that reminds me of Abby just came on. it's not that i'm really mad at her. more Jayna. of course i forgive Abby, i forgave her the second after it happened because she's all i have. you don't know messing stuff up like that. but with my luck this blog post just messed it up. or this whole blog in general messed it up.

deep breath. time for algebra homework. then history homework. then i'll probably be back to complain about my life some more.

it's 7:15. not yet time for bed. so let's look at old blog posts.

that's what i'm doing now. i opened up this page so i can put anything important into it. copy and paste. i just read a post from September 2009 when i quoted a post from October 2008. confused me for a second. now i'm reading about the day before school started. right before i was a sophomore. have i changed since then? of course i have. it's been six, almost seven months since then. gosh.

random facts:
i started this blog on January 6, 2009.
i reached my 100th post on September 2, 2009 - seven months after I first started it
i reached my 200th post on January 26, 2010 - four months after my 100th post.
i realized i passed my 200th post on January 28, 2010 - i talked about my 100th post.

i just had to stop reading my post on September 2nd 2009. also the first day of school. why? cause i'm talking about Sawyer. do you realize i have almost never thought about him since he left. just like that. i knew it was going to happen to because we weren't friends. i just acted like a creeper and wrote blogs about him. i'm probably a worse creeper than Matt is. whatever.

reading all those old posts make me realize i actually haven't changed much. but i don't really like reading my old posts even if it is about things that happened months ago. why? maybe because i can remember exactly what i was thinking when i wrote them. i relive the moment. but i think i've talked about that before. i'm uncreative. i don't know what people are still reading this.

i'm getting a little crazy. oh gosh. it's just another day. i'll make it through. i always do. my old blog posts are proof of that. my old posts i would talk about Matt all the time. then Sawyer. now i'm just creating crushes up for myself because i hate to think that there is no one for me. why do i care? i just need to stop talking and eat some ice cream.

school again tomorrow.

reading a book.

i enjoy reading a book. and books in general. so that is what i did instead of going to the play. i think i made the right choice. so i could just relax. i don't think i am going to go ride my horse. he will be okay. i will go and see him tomorrow. he understands. he doesn't get mad at me if i don't show up. he doesn't get mad if i say something offensive. he will always be there. he loves me no matter what i do. i just have to go and show him that i love him too.

funny how it is. my first love is a horse. that makes me smile. it might sound strange to you but you don't know what it's like to own a horse. i imagine years from now when people watch us ride and are in shock of how well he listens to me and they think he is a perfect horse. i will just remembers the years now when we weren't perfect and he didn't always listened to me but we still loved each other and that is what got us there.

overtired and rock and roll bands? what?

maeve's overtired. she is getting upset at my father. she doesn't want to do her homework and just got upset at it and run upstairs and screamed in a pillow. yay! my mother just came home. i just finished my homework. i'm tired too. i have stayed up till midnight two nights in a row.

my mother asked if i wanted to go to the play but i'm still in my p.j.s and i just finished my homework and i would be going by myself. plus i need to ride my horse today. if i went i would be there until 5. then i would come home eat dinner and go to sleep. at least i think i'm going to ride my horse. we'll see what happens. my family is all sort of askglasdjfl;asdjfkls today. my dad's probably going to yell at me to help bring in the groceries shortly. then mommy is going to say something about the house looking like a mess. it's all fabulous here.

on better news i have found out that my old childhood friend Dakota has a band! yippee! my mother and her mother went to pregnancy or child birthing or whatever those classes are called together along with a bunch of other mothers. the mothers stayed in touch and we got together when we were younger. we were called the baby group. Dakota was part of it but we were closer with each other than everyone else. then she moved away and i didn't see her for a while. i remember once we went to visit her and it was a surprise. we didn't know where we were going. my mother just said it started with a D and we were guessing. i guessed Dinosaur and Dairy Farm. we were incorrect. we didn't guess Dakota until we saw her. and she lived in a farm of sorts and we were in the hayloft playing. i think we did the hokey pokey. and maybe played simon says. that was probably the last time i saw Dakota. my mom said the last time i saw her was second grade. i'm in tenth grade now. eight years ago.

so when my mother discovered the world of facebook she saw that her old friend, Dakota's mother, Lee was on there and Dakota was too she made me join facebook. thanks mommy! and she was i believe my first friend on facebook. she was also my first friend in real life. she was born two days after me. i'm older! ha! but anyways she didn't look how i remembered her. i remembered her as a little girl with long blonde hair. she is a girl my age with short blonde hair and i can tell she is one of those girls who doesn't care what anyone thinks and just does what she wants. well that is obviously true because she bleached her already blonde hair then died the top part an orange color and then died the ends blue. she looks amazing. it's one of those things i would never do. anyways she lives in Vermont now. and in case you didn't now before facebook we had sort of lost track of them and didn't know where they were. anyways now we are facebook friends but i still haven't seen her since second grade.

you are probably wondering what all of this has to do with anything. well she is in a band! woohoo! you know my undying support to all things music related. although i'm not one of those people who know all these ultra cool bands. of course i'm open to them i just don't know them. Dakota knows them i'm pretty sure by all the lyrics she uses as her statuses. occasionally i know what they are from. i think that is once. and once it was a song including the name Molly. so i guess i am more of a top 40 type of girl but you know that doesn't mean i'm not open to all that other stuff. just shove it in my face and i'll listen to it and then listen to it again and either love it or hate it. but anyways. i'm a fan of bands. i had a dream about one the other day, i told you about that. so i was excited when i saw she was in a lovely band. she is the bassist. so i joined the group for her band - Today's Violence. they just had their first gig. i think it was at their school but i'm not really sure. i listened to one of their songs and they aren't half bad. well i came up with the genius plan to go and watch her play along with her fabulously nice-looking guy band mates. so i posted on her wall with some stupid wallpost because i can never think of what to write and i told her i was going to surprise her at her next gig, she just had to tell me when it was. she said that would be a lovely surprise but they didn't have any gigs scheduled currently. i ran this plan by my mother and she said okay. so now i just have to wait and find out when they are going to be playing next.

and when i go i am going to try to make it more exciting. one the video everyone was just sitting in their seats patiently and politely watching. this is a rock concert people. you are supposed to be pressed up against the stage jumping and screaming around. of course it sort of only works if everyone is doing that. but i'll be standing up in the front rocking out to the music while everyone looks at me strangely. you know it's cool. i'll probably have my little sisters and mother up next to me doing the same thing. you know it's all good. i sure that mothers are the fans they are looking for.

but i'm excited. a member of the band even added me as a friend! woo! too bad he hasn't said anything to me. he probably just added me since i became a fan of the band. i think he was Dakota's boyfriend at one point but i only know from facebook. Dakota and I don't talk about stuff like that. actually we don't talk at all. but hopefully after i watch them perform she shall.

time to go. see yeah.

2nd night.

guess what i did tonight? i went to the Wizard of Oz again!

no cute boys to talk about tonight. too bad.

but i have one thing i need to say. i feel terrible because i wrote a telegram and i started listing people and i forgot a TON. of course if i could re-do it would include them but they don't know that. all they know is that their name wasn't on the telegram. it makes me sad thinking about. i was thinking about it the whole rest of the show when i saw their faces on stage and i realized i hadn't included their name. i almost want to go tomorrow just so i could make sure i put all of their names on.

last night i was closer to the back than the front and today i was in the fourth row, straight in the center! woo! that is what kind of seats you get when you get there at 6:30 and the shows starts at 7:30. i'm pretty sure it was another sold out show. crazyyyyy. i mean this is a high school performance, you don't normally get that kind of reception in a high school in the middle of nowhere. well then again maybe because it is in the middle of nowhere no one has anything else to do so this is the big thing. but it was worth waiting in line so i could be close enough to see the expressions on the actors faces. i like that a lot. being able to see their facial expressions, guess what they're thinking. to me they aren't these famous actors, they are people very similar to me except they decided to get up on stage in front of a bunch of people after pouring million of hours after school into it. so yeah.

so about the show. i think what made it so fabulous was the dog. even though the dog did hog the spotlight when he was playing with the apples, poor Sarah get jibbed on her solo but the dog was great. if they just had a stuffed dog it wouldn't have been nearly as good. and also it was good because we knew who everyone was. when Lucas walked on stage everyone started laughing. people who didn't know Lucas would have wondered why everyone was laughing. you know stuff like that.

there was something else i was going to say...it just slipped my mind because i'm watching YouTube videos on t.v. with my family. darn it. it was probably something important because everything i say on this blog is important. yep yep.

ohh. so you know when the play is done everyone is crowding in the hallway. you have the mixture of people who just want to get out of there, people who wanted to see the cast member they were there to see, and the cast members coming out from backstage to see everyone who came to see them. so i just wanted to make it to the other side of the crowd so i led the way for my family. i made it through and then Maeve came through then Maura and my mom. and my mom said that Abby was looking for me. i looked in the mosh of people for her but i couldn't see her. and i looked my sisters and they looked ready to leave. so we just left and i didn't even get to give Abby a hug.

i kind of want to go tomorrow just so i can say i went all three days. my family doesn't want to go. they say they would drop me off but i don't want to go by myself. maybe i'll go with the girls i babysit. even though i think they thought there was a 2:00 show today but there wasn't. anyways right now the chances of me going tomorrow are looking grim. but at least i can say i went to two out of three, that is more than half.

i think i'm done talking. i might go have a piece of pizza. and luckily i didn't have to hide in my bedroom today because my whole family is still up. last night i was up until midnight because i got an awful tickle in my throat and i had to get water and i was coughing and it was awful.

i remember back when they were first casting the Wizard and there was a bunch of crap on Facebook about who the casted. Lucas wanted to be the Lion but he ended up being a With...Cam got upset because he wanted to be the scarecrow and then someone posted something and there was a big argument. well i'll tell you that Lucas wouldn't of had the reception he got if he was a Lion. and i don't think anyone could have been as good of a witch as him. and Cam was a darn good coroner, he got lots of good laughs.

everyone was fabulous though, even those people in the back just dreaming of their day when they are in the front getting the most applause. it will happen one day. or it won't. so just hang in there.

and there was a hilarious guy sitting next to my mom who would always laugh really loud and clap his hands together. it was funnier listening to him than the actual thing he was laughing at. and there was a cute little girl dressed up like Dorothy. she was wearing her ruby red slippers, her blue dress (even though our Dorothy had a pink dress), and had her hair in pigtails. she looked like the Dorothy in the movie more than Rory did. but she didn't have a little dog following her around and defending her against Lion and guys searching for her after a twister. that dog was adorable.

okay i really should go now. i've talked way too much.

just be careful. just be careful. stay away from that jitterbug. stay away from that jitterbug. that jitterbug. jitterbug.

this is the 300th post. this is also the post about the wizard of oz.

first off: yay! i have become crazy enough to post on this thing 300 times! whoopee! if it's actually a good thing...

second off: yay for Wizard of Oz, the play put on by my lovely high school! i just went and watched it with Bella, Dana, Taylor, and Moriah. i have lots to tell about it but it's sort of 10:47. and my dad is still up. he may complain if i'm up late. he was already saying how it went late. maybe i'll bring my computer upstairs and type it up there. sounds like a plan. shhh. i have to be secretive about it. don't tell anyone.

i made it. it's 11:00 now. this is the latest i've been up all week. i'm scared someone is going to hear me typing in here. it's kind of loud. but i'm supposed to talk about the WoO. hahaha. okay. i'm over tired right now.

anyways i wasn't planning on going tonight because my family is all going tomorrow night. but then Dana was at the barn and she was going to go with Bella, the Cranstons were going to go as a family, so i sort of invited myself along with the Brogles because i wanted to go opening night and i wanted to spend time with Dana. duh. so my mom dropped me off at the barn where everyone was and we waited there until Lori got there because she was taking a shower. while we were waiting we all got into Laura's truck to warm up. i could tell Dana didn't want to either but we did and of course we talked about awkward subjects. like how Taylor's boyfriend is is JAIL. i knew he was bad but i didn't think he was bad enough to get into JAIL. Taylor deserves way better than that. i don't know why she is still waiting for him, if that is what she is doing. but i was stupid enough to mention something about it when we were in the car with Lori going to the play and apparently Bella didn't want Lori to know because then she went all "i told you so! listen to your mother!" Lori doesn't make it easy for Bella. but anyways. then Laura was like "what about you Molly? any boyfriends" and then we had a convo about how i don't but by choice. and then i think it was Bella who asked me if anyone had asked me out and i said no but if anyone had i would of said no. HAHAHAHA. if could give you a list of guys i would have said to most likely but you know. then Laura was saying how i give off the vibe, or something like that, that i don't want to have a boyfriend and as soon as i want one guys will come flocking....right. but that was all pre-show.

when we got to the show it was packed. it was filled up to the top. oh my goodness. we were waiting in line to get into the auditorium, we had already bought out tickets, when Dana had to go the bathroom so Bella and I went with her and lost our spot in line but when we got back Taylor found us and brought us to the front of the line with her, Lori, Laura, and Moriah, some lady yelled at us for cutting. oh well. Moriah, Taylor, Dana, Bella, and I found seats together over towards the left side of the auditorium and Lori and Laura went off elsewhere. at first i was next to Dana and then on the end was Taylor, next to me. i could tell she didn't want to sit next to me and honestly i didn't really want to sit next to her. so i told Dana and then she told Bella so Bella went off to talk to friends and when she came back, we switched seats. so then i was next to Dana and Moriah. fine by me. might as well not pretend Taylor and I are best friends, because she aren't. i get along better with her younger sister. but when i was at my old seat two cute guys were talking right near me and if i was smart i would have offered one of them Taylor's seat but you know i didn't. it ended up one of the guys sat behind me with a girl who could have been his girlfriend i don't know. but that girl and that guy went to Dana's school and apparently they are friends so they were talking before the show and during intermission leaving me sort of sitting there out of the convo with no one to talk to. not a surprise. i'm at my school yet Dana ends up talking to more people than i do leaving me just sitting there. of course it wasn't always like that, she still talked to us too but you know. it's kind of like...okay...especially when she doesn't introduce us or make any effort to include us in the convo. i think i have seen the guy before. he was cute. i told Dana that but she didn't make any effort to help me figure out where and she didn't ask him, or if she did she didn't include me in the convo. all she told me was he was popular and a football player. no information about if he sings or not.

i haven't even mentioned one of the best parts. not in the row in front of us but the row in front of that had a collection of junior boys sitting in it. no they weren't trouble or annoying, actually the opposite since Ryan Thornhill was sitting there. he was a little to my right so i had a pretty good view of him. of course it was just the side of his head but i could see that he had some lovely sideburns coming him. that is a horrible word, sideburns, it sounds worse and they have so many icky connotations with them, at least with me. anyways. so yep. no acknowledgement but i wasn't excepting any. and in the row behind me, also more towards my right his parents were sitting there. when we were leaving they offered me a ride home but i said i already had one. i should have said i needed one just so i could ride in a car with Ryan. but then i realized he probably would ride home in his own car and i should of asked him for a ride. then i realized that it wasn't legal for him to give me a ride, he needs to me seventeen and from what i've gotten he is not of that age yet. but when we made it out of the auditorium and the huge crowd and Dana had left with her father and Lori was talking to someone Bella and I were waiting near the door and Ryan was included in a circle of junior boys. why can't i be a junior again? oh right. i was born in June of 1994, not 1993.

oh, you want to know about the actual show? well that was good. i have to say the ending was a little dragged out and i was getting ready to go. it was a long play. it was fourish hours. yikes. they could have gotten ride of the whole I'm a King, I'm a Lion in Emerald City in my opinion but they all did a FANTASTIC job. i know how much work they put into that. i liked it so much i'll be going back tomorrow night! wooo! Abby did a wonderful job with her grunting and monkey noises along with her money like lope way of movement. i hope she enjoys the lovely toy flying monkey. hopefully she figured out what it was. it had a tail and wings i mean come on! but i had to cary that envelope around so i hope she appreciates it and i know she will.

a few things i remember i wanted to talk about.

even though Dana seems to be more popular than me (cause she is) even at my school (cause she is...) at least i know that i have one friends that shall never leave me and i can count on. i would rather that than a bunch of fickle friends. also Dana you know you really shouldn't text during a play. it's rude. and i don't like it. it makes me feel like a loser for not having anyone to text. and it's distracting. i'm probably just jealous. but still don't do it. please and thank you.

also i wonder if Ryan has any idea that every time i see him i run home and write about it in my blog like the creeper i am. -sigh- but would it even matter if he did know? would it change anything? he would just look at me funny time any time he saw me looking at him. or maybe it would make a difference. he would start paying attention to me. when he saw me walking home from babysitting he would walk home with me just so we could talk and when we got to my house we would just keep walking because neither of us wanted to leave. and in school in the hallways we would share secret smiles because we knew so much more about each other than anyone in that school would ever know. but that's not going to happen. why you ask? because he is never going to know. maybe he will if this thing gets published but that won't be until long after high school, long after college. it won't be valuable until i make a name for myself.

darn it. i just made up all those fantasies up there just now so now i'm going to be thinking about them all night. or not because i'm exhausted. i'll probably fall asleep the second i close my ey...that was a close one. i almost fell asleep. XD

i think that is all i have to say. except do you think Ryan's mother has any idea that i have this childish school girl crush on him? who knows. she might have the mother/female instinct when she just knows. if she does then it wouldn't hurt to have her bring me up in convo. a thought just occurred to me - too bad i can't run long distances because i would join track for him. yeppers. probably not. okay. now i'm really tired and i'm probably not making much sense.

oh Toto was wonderful. he didn't pee or poop on the stage once. and he actually attacked the lion when he was supposed to. no need for those fake barks because he actually did bark. wonderful little doggy. he even stayed in the basket. he was really just wonderful. our assistance principal trains dogs well. if he was the one who trained him.

i need to shut up like now. i'm about to fall asleep. ahhhhh. it's 11:30. i just spent 30 minutes of my time writing this lovely post. woohoo!

happy 300th post. if i spent 30 minutes on each post, which i didn't, that would mean i spend 90000 minutes on this blog. woah. think about that.

curly hair and mcas.

in case you haven't heard enough from me here i am again.

i "curled" my hair this morning. curled meaning that i put it in two ponytails, one a half ponytail and the i put the rest in a ponytail. correction. not a ponytail, a bun. i put my hair into those two buns after i brushed it and got out of the shower so it was still wet. then i slept on it. then i woke up and it was pretty. i liked it a lot. you know it's something different. not that i would want it curly all the time. i didn't even brush my hair because i knew if i did that the curls would go away. it still looked good. i had the messy but not really messy curls going. but then by the time i got to school they were already going away and then by the time MCAS were over they were pretty much history. so then in gym class i brushed my hair and then when i got home my hair was pretty much straight, maybe a tiny bit wavy but not so anyone would notice. and that is my experience with curly hair. maybe i'll curl it again tonight.

mcas. i think i should talk about them because they are one of the subjects that everyone has an opinion on. maybe i'll wait and talk about it when i do the math or biology mcas. i think i'll do that.

i'm close to 300 posts. hopefully i don't get to 300 today because that would be bad.

maeve had some sort of breakdown today. when i got home from babysitting around 6 she was up in her bed, crying or being upset i presume. i don't know what about. i believe it is because of track and the horrors of seventh grade in general. but my mom went and talked to her and now she is acting like nothing happened. i'm not going to call her out on it. i know how it is. you just want to move on. and i can help with that. like how i believe it is almost time for bed. ice cream first?

there's more!

i thought that was all to the personality thing but apparently not. here's more.

This is what we have learned about you:
Your organizational skills are very well developed.
You are somewhat comfortable and interested in learning things on your own.
Your study skills are somewhat strong; you use a few techniques for more effective learning.
The following are the learning styles that you seem to be using most often:
Visual-Spatial - You can usually learn material well when you see it - in the form of pictures, diagrams, graphs, etc. - and use your visual memory and vivid imagination to understand it.
Verbal-Linguistic - You can usually learn material well when it's presented to you in verbal form - textbooks, class discussions, lectures, etc.
(aren't those opposites? but well it's true, i can learn both ways)

the Who Am I? section:
You are usually fun to interact with. People find you pleasant to be around.
You are usually more of an introvert.
You are comfortable with things that are familiar, but show some interest in exploring the unknown, the new, and the unexpected.
You sometimes follow the crowd, but will make it a point to step outside the "norm" occasionally when you feel it's necessary.
You are usually calm and steady. You try not to let things get to you.
You are responsible and meticulous with your schoolwork.
You constantly push yourself to do better.
You are motivated by a challenging academic environment.

Did i post this one? i'm not sure. they are giving me a whole report now and i'm trying to see what i've already read or haven't and i can't remember:
Things that will help you achieve independence
You can usually deal with stressful situations.
Your self-esteem is quite high. You seem to be reasonably happy with who you are.
You usually think positively, generally expecting the best from life.
You are sometimes careful with your money, only occasionally spending it without thinking about where it's going.
You feel pretty good about the prospect of being more independent in college.
Instead of turning to friends or family for support, you would usually rather rely on yourself.

i think most of it if not all of it is true. so if you didn't know who i was already or from this blog well ther eyou go, my life as summed up by a personality test.

this is my personality according to a college personality test thing to try to match me with the right college

This is what we have learned about you:
Because of your warm and agreeable personality, it's easy to get along with you.
Your people skills are very strong, making you comfortable in most social situations.
You can be somewhat shy when you first meet new people, but you usually warm up to them eventually.
You're quite versatile: You're comfortable spending time on your own, with a small group of good friends, or in a big crowd.
Sometimes it feels better for you to do your own thing, but you usually don't mind jumping into what your friends are doing.
You don't want to fade entirely into the background among other students, preferring to stand out a little and be a bit more of an individual.

This is what we have learned about you:
Your outlook is almost always positive: Others might see the clouds, but you focus on the silver linings.
You don't let your emotions get the best of you; you rarely feel out of control.
Some situations can get you a little worked up, but you're usually pretty calm and steady.
Even if you sometimes need to work at it, you usually have a good understanding of yourself and why you do and feel as you do.
Even if other people and their emotions are sometimes a mystery to you, you're usually fairly comfortable understanding others.
When life knocks you down, you usually can get right back up again.
In general, you feel comfortable with who you are, even if there may be areas where you want to improve.
You are generally comfortable relying on yourself, but you're OK with asking for help when you really need it.
You seem to be close to your family and will likely miss them, which could make going away to college a little difficult. However, you realize that this is a part of becoming independent.

This is what we have learned about you:
It's rare for you to overlook any detail in your academic work. You're thorough and careful.
You consistently work hard to give your best effort.
You have set very high goals for yourself.
You are very confident about being able to succeed in college.
You are somewhat open to new experiences, ideas and viewpoints.
You constantly push yourself to do better and improve your performance.
It's natural for you to compare your performance with other students - and you want to do well in those comparisons.
You are looking forward to being independent in college, but sometimes you get a little worried about it too.

This is what we have learned about you:
You can dig deep within yourself to find the motivation to keep going.
You have a structured and well coordinated approach to your academic work.
From what you told us, it seems that you received a lot of encouragement from your parents to attend college.
A challenging class environment motivates you to work even harder.
You are determined to expand your knowledge and skills once you get to college.
You hope to improve your life and your future prospects through your college education.
Using college to gain the knowledge and skills you need to get a prestigious job is important to you.
In your view, college is a place to get a good, practical education.
You are very interested in meeting new people and making friends in college.

i hate it when...

...people use !! instead of just ! especially in a profession environment or really any time. one ! is enough you don't have to use !!

...safari unexpectedly quits on you right when you finish a quiz for a college website and you are observing how they use !!

...people write two posts right after each other to talk about something as stupid as !!

quick question.

am i good at understanding what people are thinking and feeling? i just joined this new college site i got an email for and i'm doing a personality quiz. that is one of the statements. "I am good at understanding what people are thinking and feeling." and I have to answer "Exactly like me, A lot like me, Somewhat like me, A little like me, Not at all like me". i don't know how to answer because i like to think that i am. maybe i'll just go with the somewhat. it's not like this question will determine what school i go to. alright. let me get back to quizzing myself.

the blush ain't paralyzing no school crush.

and that's the truth if you ignore the double negative. those are yucky.

abby makes me smile and laugh. read what she wrote in her blog: "ha, molly's blog is the one the would change someone or make them think differently than they would before. she has this way with words that just amazes me. she knows how to communicate with people on a level that i can't seem to work on.." guess what part made me smile and what part made me laugh. everything except for the "she knows how to communicate with people on a level that i can't seem to work on.." that made me laugh in my head. not out loud. that would be weird. not that i haven't done it before. but anyways. let me tell you why. because i can't sustain a conversation with anyone when i actually have to speak. gasp! speak! like with your vocal cords! oh my goodness. i guess what you think communication you think speaking automatically. well i do. so let's concentrate on that part of it first. i have trouble speaking well. not really. my nerves just get the best of me and i can't think of what to say. i actually can talk quite well. well i did i have to go to a speak room when i was younger so my voice is probably weird but i can't hear what you all hear so i don't know. but anyways i can't communicate with people well using my voice. Abby can though. people sort of gravitate towards her. she leaves to go to homeroom and soon everyone is following her and going to homeroom. she sits down at a lunch table and everyone sits down at the same lunch table. maybe it is just a certain group of friends but she had to say or do something to make them sort of follow her like that. it's sort of scary. and creepy. but hey i'm one of those followers. i like to believe she enjoys my company though. so look at abby with her magical abilities then look at me who struggles to have one conversation with one random person. i'm just like that. i guess. but it would be a completely different world if we all communicated by writing. i think i should get a new paragraph. this one is getting too big and people have trouble following large paragraphs. they scare them.

better? anyways. if i could just type everything with everyone i would be so much better off. today i was talking to i believe four or five college representatives at once on my computer. i think i did a pretty good job. and you're welcome abby, i thought that online college fair was pretty cool. it was my type of college fair.

and going back to abby's post seeing as that is sort of what we are talking about now. wait i didn't post her whole blog up there so i'll do that now just for future reference, abby you can just skip over this: "how cool would it be to be paid for blogging? dude but that would mean that more people would have to start viewing what i see.. that might mean that i would need to make this blog about one thing. much like my other bloog...maybe i should come out of this little world of hiding and publish my blog somewhere. like "here look at my blog please" -facebook. maybe? but then i wouldn't know who was reading it meaning family friends anyone.. i like knowing that molly reads it.. whenever i DO post something. but you know i want to think that maybe i could change someone just by them reading this. ha, molly's blog is the one the would change someone or make them think differently than they would before. she has this way with words that just amazes me. she knows how to communicate with people on a level that i can't seem to work on.. omg i have to see UMASS on collage live (thank you molly!!) bbl!
love you all"

since i'm out of creative ideas of what to write about i'll write about what abby wrote about. see if would be cool if we were paid. per post. i would be rich. but then if we were paid per view i would be poor. because abby's the only one i let see this blog. because i'm just like that. i'm afraid of who will see it and i won't know who is seeing it and i could be talking about them. such as back when i talked about devin and then she read it. it's like writing a burn book and then it getting shared with everyone! wasn't that in Mean Girls? i watched that movie while i was babysitting once, it happened to be on tv. i don't know if my mom even knows i've seen it. and about coming out of my little hole of hiding which is bigger than abby's little hole because possibly someone could be reading her blog that she doesn't know about. i know that only she is reading it. but anyways. i sometimes wish everyone read my blog. then they would just know everything about me and i would be all set. i wouldn't have to worry about exposing my true self to the world if what i'm being in school isn't my true self...i'm still not sure. too bad i don't know who i am actually am. that whole teenage identify crisis thing. it would be easier if someone just stole it, then i would know where to find it. but we aren't talking about that are we?

i sometimes image if everyone read my blog. would they want to read it? would they get excited when they saw i posted again? or would they think this was stupid? but i guess with every great work of art or anything really worth while you have your fans and your haters. you wouldn't be without them. but is it better to have people who actually take a stand for or against your work or people who could care less about your work or don't even know about your work? get what i'm getting at? too bad you can't just read into my mind that would be easier.

i think the main reason i don't let people read my blog is because i am afraid of what they think. i can't take that sort of reviews i guess unfortunately. or maybe i can. i don't know i've never tried. what if my mother read this? oh my goodness. i won't even let her read my fiction works. but that is because i feel like she will judge me after she reads it. i feel like everyone would judge me after reading my work of fiction. compare me to the main girl. think Desiree's life is mine when i tried my hardest not to make it be. but i can't help but put some of myself into it which is also scary to think about other people reading...me. which is why this blog is every worse. this has everything in it. i don't hold back because i have to hold back in every other part of my life, why this one too? our world is so much coated with lies because of the way our society is. we have to act a certain way, be a certain way, and if not then you get a big X put on your face. literally. okay not but you know what i mean. you aren't supposed to talk about people behind their back, you aren't supposed to have feelings for more than one guy, you aren't supposed to have feelings, you are supposed to try your best, you are supposed to make sense...all these unwritten rules. there is a book called The Unwritten Rule but it hasn't come in from the library yet.

one last thing that reminded me. my fingers are hurting now.

i sent this e-mail to the author of Twisted, Carolyn, because i was feeling inspired or in that mood i guess but this is what i wrote: "Hi Carolyn,
I feel weird writing this. But hey I just read a book where a guy IMs a girl he has never seen/met/acknowledged even though she was right over his shoulder at one point and ends up traveling to New York City to see her. Not that it really has anything to do with writing an email to the author who wrote that book but anyways. I'm not sure what I want to tell you. I just wrote in my blog...take a moment to smile because I loved that Owen writes a blog, now continue reading...about Tangled so I think I should share it with you instead of making a fool of myself trying to write this e-mail to you. If you have the time, go ahead and read it, if your children and/or husband and/or laundry is currently screaming then go and take care of that. I will never know if you actually read it or not. But one thing to read before you go quiet down some family and/or clothing- thank you."
then i included the post i posted before about Tangled, you already read it. and i wasn't expecting a response because i already got an automatic response saying "Hey there! This is Carolyn (well, actually, Carolyn's automated response). Thank you so much for writing to me. I love getting emails from my readers.

I want you to know that I read every single email that comes in. However I'm not able to respond to all my messages (otherwise I'd never write another book). But they mean so much to me. In fact, the letters from my readers are so special that I often print them out and keep them near my computer, reminders of why I'm writing books.

In book news, be sure to check out my new novel, TANGLED. It is on sale now. I can't wait to hear what you think of it!

Thanks again for writing.

Best wishes,
Carolyn Mackler"
and it said on her website that she doesn't write back blah blah blah so i wasn't expecting anything. then i got this nice little email "Molly,

Thank you for your wonderful and thoughtful email. It made me smile!

Love,
Carolyn" it's short and she probably sends it to a bunch of people but hopefully i really did make her smile and maybe i was the special one she sent a message to and maybe she even printed it out. you never know. but i got one back didn't i?

ah. i want to keep writing. i feel like this is the first time all day i've actually talked. crap.

i waited all that time. refreshed that page so many times. woke up in the middle of the night. and i didn't make it. on the stupid amazon contest. well i wasn't expecting to make it but i had hope that just maybe i would. i didn't. oh well. time to go take MCAS.

"you just add a little blush to paralyze your school crush"

i really like that song. up. down. up. down.

and i put on some blush today. but not really because i don't own any blush. so i tried to see some pink eye shadow but it was too light so it didn't really work in my opinion. but hey i may even try it tomorrow. i also tried using some eye shadow like eye liner but i don't think you could even see it. and if you could i used purple so it probably just made any circles under my eyes bigger. but whatever because i don't obsess over makeup.

new convo? i believe so. i could talk about how i'm not making any change in my life. instead of obsessing over colleges hoping that time will go faster and i can go to college so i can make that change easier. it will probably won't be any easier but hey if i think i can do it in college then maybe i can because i believe i can. i don't think i can now. i don't think i will. and it is that attitude is what is going to keep me in my little shell of safety.

but i enjoy this quote that abby posted on her blog so i'll post it on mine:

"I am the girl who prefers one rose to a dozen. I am the kinda' girl that would rather stay in on a friday night than go to a wild party with random strangers. I am not the kind of girl that will make you wait on her hand and foot, but would do anything to make you happy. I am the kinda' girl who would enjoy having a movie night than going to a fancy restaurant. I'm the kinda' girl who would rather stay up all night sharing secrets than go out and get drunk. I'm the kinda' girl who won't make you hold her bag but would rather hold your hand instead. I'm the girl that would love you more than anyone could possably dream of. i'm the girl that would give anything to see you smile."

how many scholarships have you applied to today?

too many.

i forgot to mention two things yesterday.

one. the day would have been more enjoyable if i had taken a shower before i went over because then my hair wouldn't have been screaming with hunger pains. it was telling me it was hungry all day and it didn't matter if it was up or down. it had those pains for shampoo.

two. i wish i had seen the guy with the black and white stripped shirt. he was in a little restaurant/coffee shop thing and abby mentioned him to me but i couldn't see him and then her dad was leading the parade into Boarders so i never had a chance to see him. too bad. not that i probably would have talked to him but at least i could have seen his face.

i had a pretty rocker outfit today. skinny jeans. a black Hard Rock cafe t-shirt. a killer big turquoise necklace. eye liner. a little bit of purple mascara. hair down in position ready to rock out. and an attitude to go with it. all that that is true except maybe the attitude because i didn't do anything rocker like and no one made any comment.

i had a dream a couple of days ago that i didn't forget. it was like prom and we it was in the gym so all the girls got ready in the locker room. but before that i went shopping and i bought some red tights and converse to go with my purple dress that had some sort of flowery pattern on it. so i was wearing this purple dress that looked nice as it was and i was wearing it with red tights and this converse. if you looked around me you saw girls in their little black dresses showing off their legs. i was rocking my outfit. and then even though we were in the gym there was a stage. but then sometimes the gym changed into an auditorium but bigger than the one at my school. and there was this band playing but no one was paying attention to them. so then i was running through the rows of chairs, while it was an auditorium, and i run down to wear the stage was and i stopped to listen to them and they threw an empty, i believe it was a yogurt container, out and some guy tried to catch it but he didn't and then it hit me in the eye and i fell to the ground. i stayed there and then i got up and i said to one of the guys playing "you just hit me in the eye and you keep playing" and they just said "yep" but i didn't really care, i was more saying that to make conversation. and they kept playing and then i started rocking out in front of the stage. like there was a mosh pit surrounding me but there wasn't. now it was sort of a gym, everyone else was still just dancing around away from the stage. then i called people over and they started to do the same thing. and then it sort of got weird...maeve went missing and it got scary so i made myself wake up. then i tried to go back to sleep while thinking about how i would want the dream to go. that would be involving the band more because it was made up of a bunch of guys my age. enough said.

now time for algebra and cake and novels.

i have a bloody nose.

(:

it's a lovely day in the neighbor hood.

or it's full of people building forts in the woods just waiting for an unsuspecting teenage girl to walk into those woods and take his knife sheath so then he can go and haunt her for the rest of her life. too bad i don't know anyone who did that...*cough*

so i had a nice day with abby. we didn't do anything huge. we didn't talk about anything huge. so? we just had a nice relaxing day. and that's that. we saw three people we both saw at the mall. meaning i won since i guess two and abby guessed five. wohoo.

i could be doing math corrections right now but who wants to do that when you have a whole week full of MCAS to do it? so instead i'm writing a blog. then i'm going to request some books and buy some songs because life's like a jump rope. it goes up, down, up, down, up, down. life's like a jump rope.

and by the way. i believe with every day i grow more attractive. in a good way? i don't know how saying that you yourself is attractive is a good thing or not. but anyways. i think i'm better looking than when i was in seventh grade or even last year. so good.

up. down. up. down. up. down.

right now it's 10:26pm and i'm thinking about becoming an organ don

i just finished watching Extreme Home Makeover and on the show was a family with a little boy who had a heart transplant when he was only 10 months old. he is alive today because someone donated their heart.

it's sort of weird to think about. it's like saying when i die i want to give parts of body to people who need them. it's almost like a no brainer. if you are dead why would you want to keep them anyways? but i guess a lot of people don't think about it because they don't think they are going to die anytime soon. they don't know. all you know is that by saying that you want your organs to go to someone who needs them when you no longer need them, today, then someday, someday in the future, it could be YEARS or DECADES from now someone's life will be saved.

i would ask my mom or dad about it now but i'm the only one awake and my dad's not home yet. i am the only one who watched the show though. i will figure out a way to bring it up. if i remember. i'm sure i will. because if i forgot then i wouldn't be saving someone's life.

the only thing that is sad about the whole organ donor thing is that i will never know who my organ goes to. i won't get to see them live out their life because i just said "yes i'll become an organ donor". isn't that all there is to it? maybe a few papers but other than that your life isn't affected at all by becoming a donor. i don't think. i'm not really sure. maybe i'm completely wrong and that's why not everyone is an organ donor. but if i'm correct why wouldn't you become one.

i guess you can take this as me stating that when i die please give my organ to someone who needs it. they will need it more than i do at that time.

i am so extremely lucky. thank you.

tangled.

i just read an amazing book. called Tangled. the author who poured her soul, life, time, effort, and everything she had in it is Carolyn Mackler. i started reading it a little less than three hours ago and i just finished it. the only time i stopped reading it was to tell my mother and sisters i wasn't going out shopping with them, to shut the door so i didn't have to listen to the neighbors screaming, and to turn on the light so i could see what i was reading.

it was just really good. if i could i would quote the whole book right now. just rewrite it. but i sort of can't. so go read it. it's not one of those books that will be taught in schools or will become famous like The Catcher in the Rye (i loved that it was mentioned in this book) but i think it is amazing. i really liked it. maybe because it hit home to me. there was a girl who i so wished i actually existed and went to my school. a guy who i could sympathize with. scratch that. a guy who...i wish could have things go his way. a girl who i wished i could mend all her problems, i think i would like to mend the previous guy's problems too, not that i can but still and a guy who i have formed a major crush on. i mean - he's a blogger too. ah. ah. ah. it was really good. while i was reading i memorized some page numbers so i could quote them on here. let me see if i can remember them. i can. 253 is the first one. "But I think it means that 'who we are' can be a fluid thing, subject to change. Or maybe I'm just rambling again'. ahhhh! it's from the first girl i mentioned, Jena, who i adore very much. i really like her. don't sure how to describe my feelings towards her. and the second one i think the page number was either 282 or 292 but i can find it very quickly. it's 292 but 282 is a good page too. "'I like how you are,' I mumbled, staring into the water. My cheeks burned as I said. I kept my eyes on a bloated stick floating a few feet out. 'Really? You really do?' Jena asked. 'Well, I like how you are too.' It was all I could do not to collapse on the gravel path in total disbelief." that quote would be coming from the guy i have a complete crush on, Owen. why don't you have him come into existence and transfer over to my school too. but don't have him fall for Jena. he can fall for me instead.

i'm not sure what else to say about this book. other than i really love it's cover too. now i just read the reviews and quotes from other authors on the back. and two of them need to be shared. "...she reminds us why we're alive and what we might mean to one another if we'd only reach out." -E. Lockhart. uh, isn't that exactly what i've been talking about? like if i only turned around in my seat to talk to Adam behind me? just like if Owen had looked up from his computer, or if Jena had tapped him on the shoulder, then what would have happened? what would happen if i acted like Owen and went to New York City to see a guy? well he went for a girl but same idea. what would happen if a guy came to see me like that? what would happen if i took a risk? why would happen if i reached out? i could go on and on with these questions. instead i'll give you the second quote this time from Daniel Handler otherwise known as Lemony Snicket, "Well, there goes your weekend. You've just picked up Carolyn Mackler's Tangled. Cancel your plans. You're not going to want to be anywhere else." That made me grin when I read it because isn't that what just happened? Saturday afternoon, picked up this book, canceled my plans to go out shopping, read the whole book, and wrote a blog about it. now i'm going to go google Carolyn and see if she has a blog.

edit: i just need to add this quote. i did google Carolyn and i am in the middle of reading her life story. i just wanted her to know that it's working.

"People often ask me now why I write novels for teenagers. Lots of reasons. One of the biggest reasons is that I honestly believe that, along with certain friendships, I was saved by the books I read during those years. They spoke to me in a way that nothing else did. They helped me feel less alone. They made me laugh. They made me feel like there was a world bigger than my high school."

it's around 70 degrees outside. oh it's march.

it's really nice outside. i just had my lesson. it went fairly well. i saw some hoodlins walking on the road. they didn't see me and i couldn't see who they were. two girls and two guys. i thought the two guys might have been Emmett and Ian but i wasn't sure. anyways. that's not important. i shouldn't have even mentioned it. oh well.

now i'm outside. it is still nice out. i'm blasting some music. "baby you're beautiful and there's nothing wrong with you. it's me. i'm a freak. but thanks for loving me. you're doing it perfectly". a car just drove by and gave us a look. it was either cause of the music or my outfit. i'm wearing a t-shirt. shorts. high socks. shoes where you can see my socks. they are almost like ballet shoes except their black and they're not.

i'm in a pretty good mood. i don't feel like getting into anything deep. so i'm going to edit my novel and watch maeve jump rope. jump maeve jump!

SUPER HAPPY!

ah! hold on. i have to get changed then i'll tell you why I'm super happy.

i'm back. okay so my mom was telling me that she got FOUR tickets of the ultimate fan package from glee which includes 1) tickets in the first 10 rows 2) pre-show party 3) glee gift bag, containing exclusive merchandise 4) crowd-free merchandise shopping 5) early hassle-free entrance to venue 5) Ultimate Glee commemorative laminate 6) On-site ILAA host 7) Parking

which is all so wonderful but i didn't feel the excitement at first because of the FOUR tickets. one for me. one for maeve. one for maura. one for my mom a total of four. no abby. that made me feel sad because i would be at another concert with my siblings, like every other and i was looking forward to going with abby. four was all my mom could get with the ultimate package because the other tickets sold out within two minutes. wohoo.

but thennn my mom was telling maeve and AHHH! Abby is coming! or the way my mom is talking about she is! she was saying that since she was only able to get four tickets, my dad and Maura might have to go see Shrek while Maeve, my mom, ABBY, and I went to the show. AHH! Now i'm really excited!

and to make this day even better I received my first mail from a college today! it was from Clarkson University - one of the colleges on my list. it was all about early enrollment. instead of going to high school for your senior year, you could go to be a freshman in college. easy like that. but it's my first mail from college! exciting!

and it's my dad's birthday so we are going out. and i may be going out tomorrow too because my mom was like "yeah you should go with them" when i mentioned going out with Abby, Avarie, and Nicole tomorrow instead of just with Abby on sunday. but chyeah. we're going out to eat. hopefully my good mood continues and my excitement level stays up.

happpy!

i believe that on May 30th i will be watching all the stars from glee. i think so. my mother posted on facebook: "GLEE!!!! Happy early Sweet Sixteen Molly! Love you!" so I am amusing that means she got the tickets. AHHH!

so if i could go back into time what would i do? woah. too serious of a question. erase that. i'm not really sure what to talk about. i'm in a good sort of mood now. except now i may not be able to go over Abby's house on Sunday because now she has rehearsal. she invited me to go out with her, Avarie, and Nicole if that is still on but i would probably feel like the odd one out. so? i have to take a chance sometime since i'm not taking any during school.

um. i think my whole "last hurrah" thing was stupid. i wish i could delete it. well i could but then that would ruin the whole blog thing. i wouldn't be able to say that it is...valid? i don't know it would be all messed up because i deleted that one post. or maybe i should embrace my days when i wrote paragraphs about guys...ahhhh noooo. i should shun those days and move on to better things. like what? not sure. obsess some more over glee? or try to use more vocab words like blithe in my everyday life? too bad i can't pronounce it.

i don't have anything to do other than type nonsense. why you ask? because i was supposed to get the girls i babysit off the bus but then their mother called and said i didn't have to. so now i have nothing to do until my mom gets home to bring me to the barn. i think i am going to go get some food. yummy.

the sixth post today. hopefully the last. it will be in all song lyrics.

Hey slow it down. Don't listen to them when they say you're just a fool to believe you can change the world because go try, go fly so high and you'll be walking on air. Know that you can set your world on fire, just don't give up. Can you image a slice of time when we're more than just a slice of american pie? Have you read my blog today, saying funny things that you have never heard, dreaming of ways to make you understand my pain but I can't break through at all. I won't let you down. Once you want it to begin, no one really ever wins. Everyone wants to put me down. They say I'm going crazy. I just need a second to breathe. You're not from the same slice as me if you are strong enough to leave your doubts. Do you know what it's all about? Do you know what it's like to be nervous, alone? Are you brave enough to figure out? Take a look at yourself in the mirror, now I know who you are. God knows it's all just a game. I work hard everyday of my life as I pretend to feel no pain, but I have a little gift, an amazing thing- I won't let you down. I just have to get out of this prison cell, someday I'm going to be free. If you want more love, why don't you say so? God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me. I won't let you break my heart. Let's just fix this whole thing now. Feel it. Breathe it. Believe it.

_ _ _

"Hey slow it down". "Don't listen to them when they say you're just a fool to believe you can change the world" because "go try, go fly so high and you'll be walking on air". "Know that you can set your world on fire". "Just don't give up". "Can you image a slice of time" when "we're more than just a slice of american pie". "Have you read my blog today", "saying funny things that you have never heard", "dreaming of ways to make you understand my pain" "but I can't break through at all". "I won't let you down". "Once you want it to begin, no one really ever wins" "Everyone wants to put me down. They say I'm going crazy". I just "need a second to breathe". "You're not from the same slice as me" "if you are strong enough to leave your doubts". "Do you know what it's all about?" "Do you know what it's like to be nervous, alone?" "Are you brave enough to figure out?" "Take a look at yourself in the mirror," "now I know who you are". "God knows it's all just a game". "I work hard everyday of my life" "as I pretend to feel no pain". but I have "a little gift, an amazing thing", "I won't let you down". "I just have to get out of this prison cell, someday I'm going to be free". "If you want more love, why don't you say so?" "God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me". "I won't let you break me heart". "Let's just fix this whole thing now". "Feel it. Breathe it. Believe it."

_ _ _

from the following songs with only four added words on my part. above is where the lyrics from the songs are from. if it goes like this "words here" "then words here" that means they are from two different songs, or two different parts of the same songs. listen to all the songs i put together and listen to their lyrics and try to find them up there. i think i did an amazing job. and it made me feel a lot better. anyways. here are the songs:

Change by Carrie Underwood
Slice by Five for Fighting
Walking on Air by Kerli
Whataya Want From Me by Adam Lambert
Heartbreak Warfare by John Mayer
Somebody to Love by Glee Cast
U Got Nothin' On Me by Demi Lovato
Have You Ever Known by Amely

i need to do a blithe post.

i'm having trouble thinking of a blithe topic. let me keep thinking. i'll let you know when i think of one.

my mommy made brownies. i haven't had one yet. but i'm going to.

i'm going over Abby's on Sunday. that makes me very happy. even though her dad didn't want me to come over. oh well. i'm coming anyways!

i'm listening to music. and singing. because i love to sing. too bad i don't have a very good voice. i was singing i bit in art class today because i was in a good mood then. i used up all my energy.

woah. back on the blithe path molly.

this is harder than i thought so i will just conclude with the definition of blithe.

blithe (adj.) cheerful, lighthearted; casual, unconcerned
SYNONYMS: carefree, nonchalant, indifferent
ANTONYMS: glum, morose, despondent, depressed, molly's normal blog posts

abby i would have talked to you more on the phone but my family was in the room and my emotions are running crazy so i would have started crying for no reason in front of them. so unfortunately the only answer you got was "nothing". but nothing is wrong. it's just been a long week.

to wrap up this last hurrah because it was a stupid idea.

i saw Ryan driving home from track today. i was walking home from babysitting. i had a little girl dangling off my arm with her mother, dog, and sister walking in front of me. in my other hand was a camera in it's case. after he pulled into his driveway another car drove in and pulled into the driveway that i didn't recognize. he has friends with cars. grand.

you can just image what i was going to say about everyone else because i just used up all of my energy babysitting and i'm having a hard time putting together sentences now. i still have to study for two different vocab quizzes, one in english and one in spanish, and a bio quiz. wohoo.

my mother asked me if i was feeling okay just recently. i said yes, i was just tired. i am glad she can tell when i'm on my period. whatever. i will endure in silence.

abbybybyyybbbbbybybybbbbbbbbbybybybbbyyyyyyyyy, i miss you. and you just went offline. agaskfgjaksldlfagahaksdflkajsdlfa;lsdkfalskdjfl

i'm going to go listen to Taylor Swift and Glee and hopefully fall asleep and wake up in ten years.

edit: i forgot to mention one thing. i was going to make a new post of it but it is about a guy so i think i should include it in this post. last night at the dodgeball tournament each team was down to one player. one guy, i forget who, had all the balls so he chucked them all at the other guy, Scott Labrie a freshman in my art class. Scott dodged all of them. so now Scott had all but one of the balls. a huge advantage in dodgeball in case you didn't know. guess what Scott did. did he throw them all at the other guy like he did to him? no. that would be expected in this game. but nope. he took a ball and rolled it over to the other side to give to his opponent so it was better matched. then i started routing for Scott to win but he didn't. his good deed didn't help him win. now i'm more interested in this kid. all i know is he is a very good soccer player and he is in my art class. that's all. and he's cute.

sooo. yeah.

i'm not feeling the whole thing anymore. and i have to do algebra corrections. and i'm feeling really tired now.

but i just would like to mention that while i was babysitting Ben Galica rode by on his little trick bike. he saw me, hesitated, then took off as fast as he could go on that little bike. so the whole rest of the time i was waiting for him to ride back by. he finally did but unfortunately that was when i wasn't watching because their mother had just got home and i was waiting for my check. so i missed my chance to say anything to him.

i endured a full week of horse camp with that kid and seven years of elementary school plus preschool and i don't even get acknowledged at school and out of school he just rides his bike as fast as he can away from me.

great. -thumbs up-

the last hurrah.

this is the last hurrah to boys in general. what does that mean? in this post right now i'm going to talk about all the guys i am somewhat interested in and in guys in general. sound good? wait. i just told you what i am going to write about in this post. my life continues out of this blog you know. anyways after this post i'm going to forget all about boys. why? i don't want to be one of those girls who are obsessed with boys. one of those girls who complain about not having a boyfriend. one of those girls. you know who i am talking about. so i'm going to get it all out of my system right now. actually after i just say what Dana said about girls at our school. they are either really slutty or really nice. agreed. okay. i'm thinking about boys now. and just so you know the order isn't in any order. because if it was in a certain order then that would just make it harder on me. now that i'm thinking about order i don't know what order to put them in. but i have to get moving because i have to leave to babysit in less than 20 minutes. i probably won't finish. oh well.

Ryan Thornhill. have i talked about him yet? i don't remember. he is the boy next door. oooh. ahhh. well what you would consider next door in Westhampton. he's a year older than me which sucks because that means i don't have any classes with him at all. the only time i see him is sometimes in the hallway. then why? i'm not sure when i started to take a fancy to him (haha). maybe my dad said something like "you need a boy like Ryan" or i don't remember. but he's tall. very tall. but i like that. duh. and it's not like i look like a midget when i stand next to him. not that i have actually stood next to him before. but he's smart. chemistry honors? he is in that class while i'm next door in my lovely CP bio. he just seems like a good guy. sometimes i see him when i walk to babysitting or just driving in his car - he just started driving and he has his mom's old car. how do i know? well his mother is our real estate agent so we took a trip with her down to see a lake house and she told us some stories. nothing bad. just about college and driving. you know parents like to talk about their children. but i liked him before that. what is the definition of like? i'm not in love with him just so you know. i don't even know him. which stinks. i would love to get to know him. right now i have no idea. it's just a possibility. it's like that with every boy pretty much. just the possibility that he could be the one is what keeps me holding on. sure he is just one guy out of the millions but there is a chance. there's a chance. anything else to say about Ryan? why yes there is. he sit near me in lunch on A days. he's over my shoulder so i can't see him but he would have a clear view of me. does he ever look at me? does he even know i exist? a lowly little freshman? i'm jealous of Abby Szat from the barn and Karolina who i worked with in the office and Kaylee Dean who i only know by name-face, because they get to have class with him. they have more of a chance of getting to know him. they have more of a chance in general. but do i want a chance? yes i do. i want a chance to get to know him. and oh yeah - he's in a band. he won't sing but still a band is a band. thanks to his mother i know that lovely fact. he was actually at band practice while she was driving with us to look at that house. i need to move on to the next guy or this hurrah will last forever.

Keith Coitnor. he is adorable. in a good way of course. and not in a little kid way. he is also very tall. i guess i like tall guys. but he is a louder guy. like a goof ball. i guess. i'm not sure how to explain him. he's nice i think. i don't know. i know less about him. he's good looking. he makes me smile even if he is trying to make someone else smile. downfall: he's popular. he's one of those guys. yeah. like at the dodgeball thing yesterday when he walked by Rachel Scobal (ewww) she reached out to sort of give him a high five thing and he did and smiled. you should have seen her smug face when she walked away. gr. but he's one of those guys that everyone likes or have had a crush on at some point. he's likeable. but that's about all it goes with me. he doesn't talk to me. he doesn't acknowledge me. well neither does any other guy in this school. i wish i could see below the act he puts on in school. is it even an act? i don't know. i want to know his story. i know nothing about him. frustrating.

Emmett Taylor. i don't like him as much as i use to. i've grown up with him. when he was little he always would spit while he talked. he had really long disgusting hair. then he left for the year of sixth grade. he came back in 7th when we started middle school and he was good looking. very good looking. and he has only gotten handsomer. but again. that's about where it stops. i don't know anything about him. i don't have a chance with him. and if i had to pick between Keith and Emmett with the information i have now i would probably pick Keith. plus Emmett has been with Lauren Larison for a long time. i think they broke up but it looks like they might be getting back together. i don't even know. and i don't really want to say much more about him because i just sort of like how he looks. that's pretty much it. sigh.

Paul Don'tKnowHisLastNameCurrently. how horrible is that? i don't know his last name. well he's the only Paul in our class. let me look it up. he doesn't have a facebook.

OH sidenote. i requested to be Keith's friend a long time ago. he never responded. he's become friends with other people. just not me. that makes me sad.

now back to Paul who i don't know his name. i have even less to say about him than Emmett. he is good looking. and i want to figure out who he is. but i can't. plus he has bad taste in girlfriends. he's been with Marianne for the longest time. i don't know why. the first memory of him though was early in the school year in seventh grade i was sitting on the bus waiting to leave to school and i was probably giving myself some sort of prep talk so i was looking at all the boys walking down the sidewalk and i saw Paul. i thought he was very cute. he still is.

now i have to leave to go babysit. wanna know who is coming up? Adam Munska, Dan Jarowski, Ian Barber, maybe Dimitri, and probably some other people that i'm forgetting. and the last hurrah will continue...later.