I've just felt so anxious all day without a clear reason. I think it has to do with yesterday I tried to say thank you to James's mom for cooking me dinner all the time and it was so awkward and cringey and I just couldn't stand it and James just laughed at me. And I started to get upset of course. And I was telling me how it's still uncomfortable and awkward for me to basically be living in his house, I'm sleeping at his more than I'm sleeping at mine. And he said if the tables were turned, he wouldn't do what I do. But like it's what I have to do if I want to spend time with him. And then later on in the night he said he feels like I put in more effort or do more than him. So I asked if he wants me to do less and he said no, he wants to do more. But I don't know if all that got to me today just looking at what I'm doing with my life. My job is boring and I don't like it, I live half the time at my boyfriend's mother's house, I am making enough money to support myself and save some, and like I enjoy hanging out with James but I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life. And I've always known I wasn't going to stay at this job but now I'm staying so I can get paid for my vacations and I am getting a trip to Vienna for work.

Now I just talked to Maeve for a while basically crying and telling her everything. And it's kind of like I know I am going to have to leave Dublin if I want to do more, even though I would love to just get an apartment with James and live with him. But I'll be stuck if I do. I'll get another job but everyone gets stuck in Dublin. it's like a small town that you can't leave, everyone just pulls you down to their level. yeah, I can rise above it but I already feel myself getting stuck and complacent. how many months did I waste here? but was it really a waste? no, I don't think so, I don't think that is fair to call it a waste.

But I know I need a change soon. The last two months just sort of disappearing. Going to work, going to James's, going to work, going to James's, like that is it. I didn't do anything. And yes, I could do this the rest of my life but I wouldn't fill fulfilled or happy.

Maybe I just realized that a change is coming and it scared me and got me anxious. Because I can't do this forever. And it is going to kill me and hurt me so much to say bye to James, but I know it's going to happen even if it my head my fantasy is moving into an apartment with him and running my own business with him and being so happy with him. I have so much more to do and I don't know if I can do it with him and I don't know if I can do it here in Ireland. I'm holding myself back, I know that. I just have to figure out if it is me living in Ireland that is holding me back or if I would do the same no matter where I live and I just need to start doing something with my life.

Okay schedule for next week - this week I'll be in Scotland!

Lunch - calling companies in Ireland
Monday - with James
Tuesday - Illustrator/looking up and applying for other jobs/Zumba (or maybe with fam?)
Wednesday - with James
Thursday - Illustrator/looking up and applying for other jobs
Friday to Monday - Vienna but try to do work for myself
Tuesday - James
Wednesday - Illustrator/looking up and applying for other jobs
Thursday - ditto
Friday to Sunday - James
Packing & working for myself & seeing James when I can

So basically I need to try to fit in learning Illustrator, applying for jobs, calling companies during lunch, and going to see James when I can - on the weekend usually I can get some work done too and sometimes on the bus I can too if my body decides to cooperate and I don't get a headache while on my laptop.

But now I have to go cook dinner, finish packing and cleaning, and then sleep - ideally in bed before 9 and I have to shower - talking to Maeve and all this crying really put me back.

I just have to talk and tell you this even if you don't care or you think it's not your problem.

I've given you too much control over me. Over what I should wear, that I should get glasses. I know you do it to try to help me or they are just suggestions, but I do it because I want to please you and I want you think better of me. And then when I'm trying on all these clothes and I don't like them and don't feel good in them and I feel like shit and I'm trying to tell you this and you say who cares. Who cares? you don't care, just fucking want nudes. Who would care about you and your thoughts and feelings, Molly? you're not good enough. you're not smart enough, not stylish enough, not pretty enough. why have I given you the fucking power to make me feel this way, I don't need you, I don't want to need you, yet here I am needing your fucking validation. All I want is to be good enough for you.

And I know that is stupid because I should just be happy and confident with myself and not need anyone to make me feel like I'm good enough because I am enough just on my own. And you obviously like me already how I am.

I've literally been tearing myself up over this for an hour not able to sleep. and he just typed "Molly who cares" and then hasn't said another word and I just want him to say something and talk to me. And I hate how he affects me like this. I would do fucking anything for him. And that's scary and this is scary and what the fuck am I doing with my life.

I'm so sick and I was supposed to be asleep at 8 and now it's 10 and I have a whole day of work tomorrow. this fucking sucks.

okay so I had dinner at my aunt and uncles and then she drove me home and first she asked how James was and then we were talking about friends and who I know and all and then she asked if I would consider anything romantic and I was sort of like ehh I don't know how long I'll be here blah blah and just sort of shot it down.

and then I was telling James this and he was like "why don't you just tell her the truth?"

and I was like "do you want me telling me?" and he's like "I don't care" and that was pretty much the end of the conversation and we stopped video chatting soon after that and then messaging was weird too and now we've stopped that.

and now it's like stuck on my mind and I can't make sense of it. yeah I could have told her that we were dating and that I'm seeing him, but I didn't want her to make a big deal out of it but maybe she wouldn't have. but then it would be like a thing. and I don't even know if I can call him my boyfriend or what I would even say. like my friend? I don't really care about titles but other people will ask or whatever. and I don't know.

like my mom knows i'm dating/having sex with someone but I don't ever talk about him. I don't know, it just seemed kind of like something I'm not supposed to talk about.

and I'm scared to even talk to James about this because he would make it a non-deal and be like why are you overthinking this, it doesn't matter.

I don't want it to be like he's not as important because I didn't tell my aunt. I don't know. I'm not super close with my aunt and I know she just cares and is coming from a good place so why didn't I just tell her. I don't know.

This really isn't a big deal. James is already talking about something else after our conversation fizzled out and got awkward.

If I decide I do want her to know, I think I'll have more of those car rides, so I can just be like yeah so I started dating him so that's a thing.

anyways I think this is a non issue and I shouldn't worry about it. if I am still stuck on it on Friday when I see him then I'll talk to him about it.

I have no posted here in a while. let me see what the last thing I posted was. I feel like I start a lot of posts like this.

ah fuck you're missing a lot.

yeah, yeah, I've had sex with James, not that big of a deal. we're still together. he's great. I spend a lot of time with him.

I'm still in Ireland. I have a job and am working at a carpet cleaning company doing marketing for them but he is also a manager for an artist so I help with that too.

But I just got off the phone with my dad. And I realize/he confirmed what I was thinking about didn't want to believe - that I have to start putting a lot more into my job. Like I am just sort of there but since I don't like it, I'm not really trying. I have to start trying and actually do shit even if I don't really like it. I want to make myself the best employee at that company. That's what my dad said he did, so maybe I'll try that. It is so hard to motivate myself though when it is so boring. But I'll give it my best effort tomorrow. Like one day of actually trying to work the full day without wasting time and bullshitting.

And then I also have to find time to work on myself and what I want to do. Like today I took the time to revise my resume. But now I am considering waking up earlier in the morning so I can do the Darren Hardy thing where I work on myself and learn. And then I am going to have to go to more concerts and start networking and learning things.

Ah so much and I don't know what I'm doing. But I am living on my own now - well in a house with three other people. And a lot has happened that I haven't told you about. But I'm still surviving.

Okay so my game plan is I am going to wake up at 7 tomorrow, which is 45 minutes earlier than I have to. I'm going to try to do the Darren Hardy thing my dad paid a lot of money for, for his company, but he gave me access too.

And next week I'm going to start looking into what concerts are going on so I can start going to more of those even if they are during the week so I can see the scene and all.

But now I'm just tired and it's not even 10 and I'm going to get ready to go to bed. Awesome.

so a lot has happened. I bought birth control, I haven't started it yet, I need to wait for my period to start.

I almost, started to have sex with James last night? like his tip was in and he had a condom on but then it started to hurt and I freaked out. but there was blood so that was fun.

oh I also talked to my mom about going on birth control and she said to make sure I use condoms too.

and James did tell me straight that if wouldn't see other people romantically while he was seeing me romantically - and that he wouldn't want to. he has been very clear how much he likes me and yeah.

I trust him a lot. I slept over his house last night. and next time I'm over there I will be having sex with him. So exciting stuff.

And I'm so tired but that is the update I got for you. Okay goodnight.

Oh I also realized my dad forgot my birthday, I had talked to him the day before my birthday and he didn't say anything and I didn't say anything. and then he was going to call today - because he was driving, but my wifi wasn't working. but I didn't hear anything from him day of, so cool.

so last night I stayed up until 5am talking to James. it was later before I fell asleep. there was already light coming through the window.

I don't know how we started talking about it. but I was asking him a bunch of questions and then I said something stupid and felt horrible. and then it turned into talking about us. and he just has a different understanding and viewpoint of relationship. like he is committed to our friendship and this is everything (except sex) that we have, but it isn't exclusive. like he can do whatever he wants with his body. but I still trust him. like I know it sounds like a way to just sleep around with whoever he wants but it kind of makes sense. he says I kept fixating too much on the other people when that is not what it is about. he didn't want to spell it out for me so I could figure it out. and often he said that he shouldn't have to say this. basically there is him and then there is me, we are our own separate people but we have a good time together, the best of times. and we still have our own separate lives. by saying we're "exclusive" is just saying something to ease insecurities, but not actually doing anything. he can do whatever he wants, he doesn't have to be accountable to me. we aren't dependent on each other. but we can still build this friendship.

and he said how he has never tried to distance himself from me. and I thought these jokes were a way to keeping a distance, but he said no they were just jokes. and he said how hard he works to try to get me to laugh. and he said how smart I am, because I can keep up with him and call him out.

and I made the mistake last night of asking roxy for help with what to say and that made it worse because Roxy is very much in one set mindset and I don't think she would have gotten it quickly enough to help me. so I sent a few bad messages based on Roxy's advice.

but I think I am going to give this a go because what he says makes sense. all about being independent and your own person, this is what I say when I am talking about relationships. but why not go all in for the summer. fully knowing that this will be over in august. but you still have those memories and we helped shape the other person into who they are and will become.

and I am seriously considering sex with him. it seems like one of the safest ways to do it for the first time. with someone who trusts and respects me and it is what it is. I know where we stand and I know it is only going to be for these three months and I am okay with that. as hard as that conversation was, it was necessary and I feel better about everything.

it is different than what I am used to and grown up thinking. but honestly by being in a relationship and being exclusive are just words. I would rather just build up a friendship and I decide what I want to do with my body and with who. and if this all blows up in my face, then okay, but i'm going to try and see what happens.

i'm finding and building my own person now and I think I need to take ownership of that. I need to step away from asking my friends everything and be confident in myself and what I do.

and I think I am going to have to write Ellie a letter. because running away and ignoring it isn't the most adult thing to do.

anyways I came to Ireland to think I was going to intern, I quit that, and now I got myself tangled into this mess with James. it isn't actually a mess. I am grateful and i'm glad. he pushes me to think different and to think about myself.


ughh it still kind of gets me. thinking that he could do the same thing with other girls. but he says it is not about that, I am just stuck on that. okay maybe I just got it. it's like me saying "you are not allowed to see other girls" but who I am to say what he is and is not allowed to do? he chooses what is best for him. I just focus on my friendship/relationship with him and I make choices for myself.

if he was having sex with other women, then that is probably a symptom of something else is wrong in our friendship, or not wrong, but I don't know. i'm still working this out in my head. it's like it makes sense and I get it one second but then it jumps back and I am stuck again.

ah okay, I need to get up, get some food, get dressed, do work for Phil, then I have a phone call with him later. I also need to put clothes away. and then I have four people who I need to call. and I am still considering if I should tell my mom that I am thinking I am on birth control

it's like my emotions are on a different schedule. my brain is saying one thing but they are off running away. and then as soon as I get them back under control another thing sets them off. no amount of reason can bring them back, they hold onto hope and possibility and just go off.

ugh. like I kind of just want to end this so I can move on and stop getting pulled back in.

so I was just talking to Maeve and my aunt comes in and tells me it's quarter to one so I need to be quiet and I need to shut my window because of the alarm.

and now I am worried that they can hear everything is say and I was talking about sex and James and everything. so shit if they can hear everything.

and I can't even leave my window open.

I sometimes really hate living here and just want my own space. i'm old enough to stay up as late as I want and leave my window up and talk about sex without worrying about who is hearing me. ah this sucks. I feel stuck here. I haven't even been here a month yet. and i'm already ready to move on. I better start planning some more trips because there is no way I can keep this up.

but I told Maeve about the whole James thing and she is cool about it and it was good to talk to her about this stuff. but I know what I have to do and I've come to terms with it all. so whatever. I don't really know what i'm doing. I just kind of feel judged and trapped here and I just want out. I want my own place. ugh.

I feel sick and tired. but whatever. but it's not whatever because they are letting me stay here for free and feeding me and everything so I have to be gracious and stay out of the way. but I just want to stop tip-toeing around and just feel comfortable here.

today was actually a pretty good day but now I just feel like shit. it's probably just because i'm tired. but tomorrow I have to wake up and face them. and I can tell my aunt is just getting annoyed with me. and god I just want to escape and be by myself and just do what I want without feeling like i'm trapped. this kind of sucks.

and it says James is online but he has not seen my last message and he isn't responding. and I just want to cry and get out of here.

oh I have so much to tell you. but i'm too tired to do it all now.

but I am trying to not let myself get attached. because I know he's not the right one. and I know he won't ever treat me the way I deserve or want to be treated. like I can only take so many jokes ragging on me. and I know he is judging me for being a virgin and I know he is going to want to have sex. and if I don't have sex with him he is going to go have sex with other women. so i'm pretty sure i'm not the only woman he is dating or seeing. and I can't justify having sex with him so he will be exclusive with me. I want him to want to be with me because he wants to be with me regardless of the sex.

and i'm sad because I know it's not going to work out how I want it to. there isn't going to be a fairy tale ending here and i'm going to lose the closest friend I have here. I mean I can propose that we just be friends but won't it be awkward now after we already went past that just friends line?

I don't want to have this conversation with him because I know it is most likely going to end with him saying that he wants to have sex and doesn't understand being in a relationship or exclusive with someone without sex. which I can see and understand where he is coming from but I just don't agree. i'm worth more than sex and i'm worth more than jokes about him having side bitches and me being one of them.

this would be so much easier if I just had sex with him. like sex isn't that big of a deal, is it? well it would cost me almost 100 euros to get on birth control between the consultation and the actual pill for three months. but apart from that, it's that big of a deal right? who am I kidding, Molly you will get even more attached if you have sex with him. and you are going to have to leave in three months. and even if there is that little hope that it could still work, you know very well it wouldn't. you wouldn't want it to because you are going to be off somewhere new and don't want to worry about a boyfriend - you did that once and saw how badly that worked out. plus his life is so different than mine, he wouldn't travel to the US or anywhere really. but it would be so nice to have him to myself as a friend and more and to have sex with him for three months. I could still make the decision to do that. and as much as I want to do that, I think I would still be disappointed. I don't think he could give me the emotional connection I want. I want to feel like I belong and have a place here and I don't think i'll find that by having sex with James and I would be fooling myself if I said otherwise.

but maybe i'm wrong and it would make me happy and I would have a great friend and I don't know. it sort of feels like i'm making a big deal out of nothing. like why not just get sex over with so I don't have to go through this again the next time I meet someone I like.

I don't think this really helped me figure it out. like what I said at first is what I know makes logical sense but don't you just want to say fuck what makes sense and do the irrational and crazy even though you know it will hurt you in the long run?

i'm going over his house tomorrow.

why am I so nervous.

quick updates:

1. I quit my internship
2. James and I have kissed a lot in hidden places we have found in the city
3. I'm planning trips to Germany and Italy currently
4. Ellie messaged me today in typical all-about-her-and-her-problems-and-how-much-I-hurting-her fashion
5. I've been in a bit of a slump this week but I am okay now because I had a good evening with James
6. I went to Grandma's grave and house and cried
7. Evelyn and Lauren call James my boyfriend
8. I told Maeve about him
9. I'm still feeling kind of lost and like I don't know what I'm doing but I'm trying to be okay with that

open a new tab
load gmail
open an old email
close window
open a new website.
wait, wait
open a soda

open my laptop
open the internet
open email
open a new tab
open my water

okay those are all stupid. that's my attempt at writing a poem about how I feel like i'm wasting my time and my potential and how I could be doing so much but I am literally here open and reopening gmail.

so I just kissed a boy. apparently he thought to kiss me when we were getting ready to say bye and I said "i hate this part it is so awkward" or something like that. sooo for the ten minutes we were waiting for my train he kissed me and we talked and I was so awkward and he was like just relax but I was just so on edge and awkward, the fact that this was even happening. I told him that I literally just wanted a friend. and he said yeah we can be both. and he was trying to make me calm down but I was just was I don't know. I still don't know. right now I am so tired. and I still have to work tomorrow. I can not really comprehend how this happened.

and the bad thing is I am not 100% sure I really like him. like I enjoyed kissing him but my stomach wasn't doing somersult, just little butterflies. but I still like hanging out with him and I did like kissing him. ahhh god. another thing to worry about or think about, not really worry I guess. but just another thing. a good thing.

but jesus Christ how long have you been here molly and you are already kissing someone. granted he is my only friend here soooo.

anyways i'm too tired for this but I am on the dart right now. and I left my phone at the bar we were at. but I called them and they had it. so I will get it tomorrow at lunch time. oh but that's a night without it. I have to think about how I will do my alarm. I guess I will leave my laptop open. or let me see if my little phone does an alarm.

but oh my goodness what I have I gotten myself into.

ah okay sooo I was just texting James to figure out plans for this week. and after I said when and where he says "Cool cool cool it's a date" so I just responded "like a date date?!?! So you do like me? :D"

okay so I started writing that last night but then I stopped because he responded and then I was updating Amelie. oh jeez. all I wanted was a friend but now I'm going on dates, ahh. let me see the last thing I wrote to you.

you're pretty much up to date. i'll just transcribe all the texts so I have them here.

James: "Moll(ie)y I got your call. If this aint Moll(ie)y then who the fuck is this? Why are you ringing me???" 3-Jun 11:19PM

Molly: "Don't worry your number has not been leaked yet, this is Molly with a y"

James: "Don't know any Molly's with a y. Must be wrong number. Please leave." 3-Jun 11:48PM

Molly: "Bye!"

Molly: "Do you want to meet up for dinner Tuesday or Wednesday?"

James: "Yeah I reckon it wont be the worst thing I could do. :) Anything or anywhere you have in mind?" 5-Jun 10:24PM

(this one wasn't saved so from memory) Molly: "I think it's one of the best things you can do. I don't have anything in mind but I could look something up!"

James: "I don't know maybe striving for world peace could be a better use of my time but only just :-). Yeah you do that. If you'd rather I can look for something. You know take away the pressure of you having to make a decision EVER!!!" 5-Jun 11:15PM

Molly: "Let's go to bad ass café! Tuesday?"

James: "Cool cool cool its a date!" 5-Jun 11:28PM

Molly: "Like a date date?!?! So you do like me! :D"

James: "No that's just a figure of speech like when someone says Ill kill you in your sleep and make it look like suicide but they don't really mean it. :) :) :)" 5-Jun 11:38PM

Molly: "Your three smileys say otherwise!"

James: "I just had a giggle to myself thinking of you over analyzing and obsessing over every little thing I say and do, because I'm deliberately coy, and then you sent that text which in a way reinforced my mode of thinking. :*" 5-Jun 11:51PM

Molly: "Glad I could amuse you! I'm going to sleep, goodnight!"

James: "Cool talk to you tomorrow so we can sort out the details for our date!! :D :D" 6-Jun 12:02AM

oh man, it never stops, does it?

I should be sleeping but i'm awake. and I am not awake enough to make a coherent post but here I am. i'm trying hard not to build up the idea of james in my head but that is failing. mostly because I have nothing else fun to think about and I like him and I enjoyed hanging out with him all day yesterday. like it was so easy hanging out with him. and I felt so comfortable and at ease with him. anyways I should sleep. i'm exhausted. but I can't help but wonder if james told his family or friends about me, like I did with Roxy and Maeve. is he wondering when i'm going to text? is he looking forward to the next time we hang out? who knows. well he does. and maybe i'll know eventually.

I am currently at the youbloom conference but i'm manning the registration table and it is slow so I have a chance to just relax and reflect for a bit. yesterday was such a long day but somehow I was up this morning and ready to go again.

so I have sort of made a friend, James. he has been working the conference all day yesterday and today with me. he's cool but like almost too cool for me. like he does not support capitalism at all, he is a vegetarian, he doesn't want to do any harm, he has his septum pierced, he has a tattoo of a triangle on his face, his nails are painted black, when someone said that their band was evenly split gender wise he told me later that he should have said "oh so two men, two women, two trans," he is an art student, he doesn't have a phone, what else...but he is also really funny and nice and easy to get along with. he is sarcastic and pokes fun at me. and we are also the only two in the same boat.

but anyways I saw him at the initial volunteer meeting and I thought he looked cool and around my age range and wanted to be friends but we didn't talk then. but next there was a walk through of the venues so I talked to him a bunch then. but I thought I wouldn't see him again because we would be working at different venues, but then he ended up volunteering to work at the whole conference so now I've seen him a bunch. and he said he will hang out with me tomorrow. so working on friends. still sort of figuring each other out. but there is one friend, woohoo. not sure how i'm going to make any more. actually I have one more prospect who I will talk to more tomorrow. but he has definitely made this conference a lot more fun because it is kind of long and boring, not kind of, definitely is.

but things are going well here. i'm settling in at the Cotter's and getting used to them. I feel bad that they have to drive me to and from the Dart station and I kind of wish I had more freedom to come and go without worrying about them. but I have a long day today and then another long day tomorrow but tomorrow I get to meet the place i'm supposed to be interning at. but we will see how everything goes. just figuring it out and getting used to everything.

i'll give a bigger reflection and update another time when I can breathe, maybe Sunday?

okay so I haven't written here in a long time. I am currently in Ireland, yes, I made it.

graduation sucked. like after graduation. the ceremony was fine because I just went were they told me to and that was it. but afterwards was so overwhelming, like we had to get all the friends together to take pictures and I had a bunch of different people telling me where to go. and I had my family and my mom and dad were obviously both there and that was super awkward. my auntie lorrie kept asking if we wanted a picture of the 5 of us, and I kept saying no. because that is so fake. I don't want a picture of our fake family, we are split. and it sucks. so anyways I posed for a few pictures and then I just left and went to lunch with my dad and sisters which was fine.

then I get back to the dorm and i'm the first one back so I start packing. and i'm pretty much done but I decide to stick around to try to help Amelie. because she had to get over to the cocktail party thing her parents were hosting. so I start going through the kitchen stuff. most of which is not mine. and I am told to just give everything to Roxy. but how am I supposed to get it to Roxy? luckily there was a huge cardboard box in the closet so I start putting in stuff. and then Amelie just leaves. so I just keep going through all the kitchen and common area stuff. and then Ellie asks if I need help and at that point i'm pretty pissed and it's clear she just wants to leave anyways so I just say nope. and then i'm still there clearing everything out. and i'm not done until like 6-6:30 when I was basically ready to leave at 4. and then of course I have to figure out how to get stuff to Roxy and she says she will come get it. and I was in tears at this point. I missed the whole party thing that they were at because I was cleaning out all their shit they didn't want to deal with. and then I waited 30 minutes for Roxy and she still wasn't there so I called and told her I was just leaving it there. and then I drove home. and I am still pissed off about this. like really pissed off still. and then Ellie left some crying voicemail or something. and I tried to just text her something to calm her down and keep her off my case. and then I ignored her for a bit. and then she texted about apartments in Kentucky so I text her back so she wouldn't freak out that I was ignoring her. and then later she texts asking when she can come see me. and I say no. and she is like not even for a hug? and I say no, I want to spend as much time as I can with family. and her response is "Wow." and after that I was so mad and upset about the whole thing that I didn't respond to Amelie and Roxy. and I just messaged Amelie but I am still pretty upset at her too. ugh it makes me upset. just because I have to clean up every one else's shit and they don't think about me or don't really care and just think about themselves. I can't even think about it more it makes me so upset. I had texted Amelie if she wanted her printer and she responds with "what primer?" because she didn't read. and she didn't text the whole night. and Ellie thinks she is a good friend, like she checked in after it was too late to help, and she had asked to help and she called three times but she isn't doing that for me...she is doing that for herself because she needs constant validation from everyone else, especially from me. she is doing it so she feels like she is a good friend, not because she is actually a good friend. seen from the "Wow." response, not understanding that I literally just lived with her for a whole school year and I have barely seen my family who I am not going to see all summer. aaaarrraaagghhh. whatever. I should try to sleep but i'm all worked up now. and I have more to tell you but that's all I can write now. okay goodbye.

so tomorrow i'm graduating. tonight is the last night sleeping at babson. last time really being a college student. tomorrow is all for show and more for the parents than for us. this week was for us. now is the last time I can just walk outside my door and be with my friends and hang out and drink and order pizza and it is okay to stay up super late and just hang out and talk. tomorrow i'll start in the "real world" although I still think this is real too. but anyways just thought I needed one more post before the big day tomorrow when this is all over.

wow. really four years. that went by so fast. and I have it all here in this blog. or at least some of it, I could never put all of them. but this is really amazing. even though it is expected, of course I graduated college, I still did it. it was a lot of hard work. I've grown up. I've gone through a lot. yes, of course that happens to everyone, but it is still special that it happened to be. so here we go. bring on the next chapter.

it kind of sucks to be at a dance and see the guy you have a crush on fawning all over and following and dancing with another girl all night. especially when that girl is one of your friends and in your friend group so you are literally watching him do this all night. but at least you know that he has no chance with her because all the guys pursue her and she is always nice to all of them and flirts with them because that is just her personality but never does anything with them. he was already gone when I saw her later in one of the suites - but maybe he will show up later. anyways it kind of sucked. I really just want to get out of her and be surrounded by new people because I am kind of sick of these people. and it kind of sucks when all but one of your friends have boyfriends. so you feel like a third wheel a lot. but I managed to dance with all the boyfriends at first just for fun but then Emily said that jealousy is a good tool, so then to try to make Hanson jealous but I don't think it worked because he literally just stared at Maria all night. I told her at one point good luck after making it really awkward being like "soo...Maria...." and giving him looks which he didn't appreciate, but he did appreciate the luck because he said he was going to need to. but I may have made Chris Harrington jealous because when I was dancing with Mike when I was done, passing his hand back to Roxy, he grabbed mine and Mike's so then it was just three plus Roxy all dancing together and then Ellie joined and then a bunch of people joined so I stopped that hand holding pretty quickly. but I thought that Chris had another girl he was into but whatever. if he had asked me out I would have said yes. there are a lot of guys I would have said yes to if they asked me out but they never did. so single life for molly.

also Abby posted a bunch of throw back pictures of Josh, one of which was from before senior prom at my dad's lake house with my cropped out of it. like what the hell.

i'm trying not to be sad about all of this because I know it doesn't really matter but I am sad. I should just go to sleep. okay goodnight.

and just saw pictures of Josh's graduation and Abby posted about it and posted some pictures and one of them was a picture of me and Josh from prom with me cropped out of it. so cool.

i'm freaking out again. it is so hot out and I can't fall asleep. and I just want to cry but I don't even know about what. I guess just all this change. and feeling alone.

I made it through the weekend at maine and i'm almost done with senior week. and we are having all these cutesy fun friend moments but it's like you don't even know me or really care except for like 2 of you, one of which I don't even want to be friends with anymore. i'm ready for new people. but at the same time i'm just exhausted and don't know if I can do this. it's just so big and I have to put myself out there and do so much. and ah I just want to sleep but I can't sleep.

maybe i'll watch a movie or talk to derek or I don't know. i'm just going crazy.

I don't know what to do.

my grandma died. or she is on life support and there is no saving her.

i'm supposed to go to maine this weekend. like leave in a few hours. but I don't know if I should go or just go home.

it could be good to just not think about it and have fun with my friends. but I don't know if I can deal and handle all the people. I could go home and just take a break and then come back for senior week. I don't know. I am just tired and feel gross. I don't know if I can handle this. I don't want to have to handle this.

this was supposed to help me figure out what to do but it has not. I still have no fucking idea.

I am hungry and need to take a shower.

quick update on my life. I watched you can't buy me love and it make me happy. and then I started to get into a funk again because I heard Amelie and Isaac and elisa outside so I couldn't go out there to get ready for bed. so I started watching drive me crazy and I loved it.

now I feel better. but it is late. but derek just messaged me so yay for friends. maybe i'll actually get up and go pee and get my charger so I can go to bed like I should have hours ago.

I am crying and in such a bad mood and I have no real reason why. I just had an fme review session and I was just pissed off the whole time because no one was paying attention or wanted to be there and it was stupid. and i'm just so done and ready to get out of here. I literally just looked at my calendar to see if there was anytime for me to go home. there isn't unless I said I can't babysit on Wednesday, then I could go home for two nights. but that isn't until Tuesday night so I might be fine staying here by then. but I got back to the suite after the review session and Amelie is in her room with Isaac so I just go back to my room and start crying so I blast music so she can't hear me and just cried. and I still don't even know why I am that upset. I really don't have that much to worry about and I am almost done with exams.

I guess I am feeling like no one likes me. I have no friends. and like these whole four years were just a waste. like I just want to get away from here and away from all these people who don't care or give a damn except for a few who do but who like other people more than me anyways. I guess i'm just feeling really alone lately and this really sucks. and I just want to leave.

fuck this.

hi so it is past midnight and I am still awake. it tried to go to sleep at like 10:30 but couldn't fall asleep and kept getting up trying again and here I am. I was up at 7am this morning so I could finish my poetry portfolio which was due at noon today. I was planning on doing it yesterday but I was so hung over I couldn't focus until the evening. yeah I got super drunk and I really can't remember anything except throwing up in Roxy's room and not wanting to leave Roxy's room and then being back in my room sobbing in my bed and talking with Ellie and Amelie. so that was fun. and I text Hanson at one point to respond to his text if there was anything still going on. and apparently I took lots of pictures with exchange students and I honestly don't remember a lot of the party. and I felt like crap the next day. but I guess it was fun? not really but I didn't want to have to worry about anything.

now I won't let myself relax and fall asleep. like I am physically keeping myself clenched up and tight like I am worried about what I have to do. but really I can relax. I finished all my assignments. i'm not going to worry or work on ADE anymore, and then that presentation is Tuesday. and then my other final is Thursday. yes I have other meetings and stuff but I am pretty much done. maybe the whole moving to Ireland thing is worrying me. but I am going to talk to Grandma tomorrow and hopefully that will help ease some of my worries. but after graduation I literally only have a week before I am off to Ireland. and I am already having meetings with one of my new bosses because I got myself two internships for Ireland because why not. and I really can't just let myself relax so I can fall asleep. like I just keep constantly thinking. and for some reason I was thinking it would be a good idea to text Prateek so maybe i'll do that at some point if I still feel like it then. and I know I shouldn't be bumming about Hanson but I still am and I can't wait to just be done here and move on so I can leave all the worries and stress and anxiety from this place behind so I can only focus on the worries and stress and anxiety of the next chapter instead of having to think about all of it. so close. so close. Dana is visiting tomorrow and then Sunday i'm dog sitting and have an ADE meeting and FME review session then Monday I have a lunch meeting and then i'm babysitting and I think I maybe have a meeting in the morning too and then maybe something in the evening. and then Tuesday if the FME final and then I think I have something after, I can just see blocks on my calendar in my memory, and then Wednesday I am babysitting, and then Thursday is my modern drama final, and then Friday we are going to Maine to Mike's lake house a bunch of us which will be interesting, and we will be there until Monday morning when I come back to campus and then it's senior week, which Hanson is doing but Terrence is not. which makes me sad because I really like Terrence and talking to him and hanging out with him, he just always makes sense and is so calm and cool.

how can I get myself to relax and stop thinking about everything and go to sleep?

I have a bunch of pictures of how I want my hair cut, short above the shoulder. and because this is what my life is now, my plan is to not post any pictures of it until Ireland and then get an awesome picture of me there and switch my facebook profile picture, cover phone, and all my info there in a big switch to the "new me" now living in Ireland. I was starting to have second thoughts about cutting my hair earlier but then I happened to stumble upon a video of Kayli cutting her hair so then I looked up pictures and now I am excited again. but my big short hair reveal might not work if I decide to go to Emily's graduation party which would be the sunday before I leave for Ireland - which will probably be the Monday or Tuesday immediately after. if I decide to go to the party, I might be ready to just leave everyone behind and spend another day with my family.

ah I really need to stop thinking and worrying about all of this. I am going to go get my water and then hopefully i'll be able to fall asleep this time. i'll just have to force myself to. I really am exhausted, at least I can sleep in tomorrow because Dana isn't going to be here until 3ish.

well here is to being done with classes forever (maybe) and almost being done with college. yippee.

so I am exhausted but I couldn't fall asleep and it is really hot in here so I am now writing.

tomorrow is my last day of classes. that doesn't seem real and it hasn't sunk in that it isn't just my last day of classes, it could be my last day of classes ever. I still have a bunch more things to do this week so it isn't that real yet. and I am still worrying about a bunch of things. I haven't been able to take a second and breath and realize I am done with college. I did it. I got through all the work and stress and everything. ah crazy.

and the fact that I am moving to Ireland isn't real yet. but I am starting to worry about that stuff. like if my grandma will be okay health wise and if I am going to have to take care of her and be responsible for her and how that living situation will work. and that is going to go so much sooner than expected. and I have been running around trying to get my passport sorted out which still isn't even applied yet so I will probably be traveling without it which is kind of sad but at least I will have it eventually after I get there.

I am trying to enjoy myself and relax. yesterday I had a fun day with Michelle doing work in a coffee shop and revising my poems and then we went shopping and then to a jazz café with the boy she is dating and his friends (he has a girlfriend so it wasn't like a double date thing).

things with ellie and I are still kind of weird but they are okay so I am just trying to make it through without any blowups for the last three weeks we have together.

i'll be sad when counseling is done because I really like going and talking with Shannon.

I also had an adventure with hanson and Terrence to go to a poetry reading which was interesting. they are hilarious together, like an old married couple. but they both have other love interests than me which is good so I don't have to worry about that.

ah I can't wait to just be done. i'm so close. but then i'll wish I could come back to these days.

but cool maybe I can try to get some sleep now. and then have my last day of classes. go through the motions and routine again like I do, not realizing or comprehending that is the last time i'll do it.

so today took an unexpected turn - actually not all that unexpected.

I went and found the pony hedge, which I loved. then when I came back to the dorm, Amelie wasn't there, and ellie was in her room. and I could hear her either getting on or off or moving on her bed. so I waited a minute and then just went into my room. and then ellie came out later and was in the common area. and then Amelie came back and now Amelie is on the phone.

I know ellie is now waiting for me to come out, because she heard I didn't use the bathroom before. but I don't want to talk to her or have to act all nice and happy and try to reassure her that I don't hate her. so I think I am just going to stay in here and try to fall asleep while I still have to pee. so cool. maybe it would make my life easier to just go and talk now and be nice and social, like what is expected of me, but I don't want to. just counting down the days until I can leave here please.

i am having a panic attack right now. my chest is tight i am breathing heavy. i feel so much pressure and expectation and i can't deal. now i am crying. and i just want to scream. and i want to run away and just get away from all of this. i don't want to do anything

chest tightening, breath quicken.
i need to run. i need to get away.
all the pressure,
expectations,
encircles me and starts
constricting, grabbing
me and yelling at me
surrounding me, tightens
and demands. i can't
calm down. i need to
get away. screaming,
crying, trying to push
this pressure away.
get off of me.
please leave me alone.

the boa constrictor usually stays
to himself. i can see him, patiently
waiting. he never leaves, always
there.

when i'm not looking, or even
when i am. he slithers closer
and start moving up my leg,
wrapping himself in
circles.

he moves up past my hip
and begins to encircle my
chest, tightening. he tightens.
constricts and controls me.
calm down, i can't
breath.

he keeps grabbing, demanding
me. he always wants more,
never enough. more
pressure.

then he leaves, and i relax.
breathing not quiet
the same, but better.
i see him still,
waiting.

and also Abby fucking posted on the senior group page. she cares enough to congratulate everyone on whatever the fuck they are doing in their lives - graduating college, having babies, getting married, Fucking being alive - but she doesn't care enough about me to talk to me or give a damn about my life. so fuck you, you're fat and been with the same fucking guy since 7th grade, and dropped out of high school and now i am crying because i want to feel like i am better than you but i'm not and i really just want to talk to you. or talk to josh. but i can't. because you both hate me. and now i'm sobbing again. what have i done where i have no friends. i pushed them all away. great job molly, great fucking job.

I paid 20 dollars to go to spring concert stay for like an hour and half and leave right after the main act come on to come back to my room and cry.

I was not drunk enough to enjoy that. everyone was just dancing aka grinding up on either other and making out and pushing. and i just felt invisible. and then roxy was with mike and Amelie was with Isaac so i just felt so alone. and i am like what the hell. why do i not have a guy interested in me. i felt like crap. and when i came back even Emily Morrison had a guy. i literally just want someone interested. why does no one like me. i don't understand. am i not pretty? am i not nice? or have a good enough personality? like what is wrong with me? i honestly have not had a guy interested in me really since josh. except for Michele who was weird. and a guy i met on a dating app so obviously he was interested in only one thing. and i guy i met a bar who also wasn't really interested in me.

like i thought it was refreshing to meet dan but he hasn't opened my snaps or snapped back so he isn't actually interested in me and even if he is he is all the way in Atlanta so what is going to happen with that - nothing.

so i am literally sitting in my room by myself crying while the majority of campus is at spring concert having a fun time. and i am about to go watch the little rascals. i could go to sleep. but i am holding out hope that maybe someone will want to talk to me or hang out with me. i sent roxy away to go hang out with mike. she needs to spend more time with him. and i told Amelie go to follow Isaac as he went into the crowd because he needed her and he gets priority over her. so i walked back to my suite by myself following freaking Emily Morrison who was walking back with someone she was about to hook up with. so what the hell is wrong with me.

and i am about to stay up and keep checking my freaking phone to see if hanson or dan opened my snaps or gives a damn about me. even though i know they don't. so i really should just go to bed and give the fuck up. and marco obviously doesn't care about me either, he told me there was someone else he was interested in at babson but he wouldn't tell me who and then he left and then when he saw me later he just took my hat and left again so it obviously isn't me because then he would have spent time with me and tried to hang out with me more.

so i just suck basically. i really should just go to bed and not watch little rascals even though i kind of want to because i know that if i stay up ill just continue the pity party for myself. which is stupid. i had enough alcohol to make all my true depressing feelings towards myself come out but not enough alcohol to enjoy myself and not care that i'm a fucking fifth wheel and no one likes me.

fuck me. not actually, please can someone fuck me.

i'm so ready to chop off all my hair and move to some new place.

but until then, now I have a meeting.

isn't it kind of exciting to think about who you have met in the past who will come back into your life and play a bigger part? like once I get out of college I will get to travel and then other people travel and you never know who you will run into or who you will end up in the same area in. so I am kind of excited for that.

oh hey want to see another poem I wrote? in poetry class we had to write the longest sentence ever that is still grammatically correct. and it had to have two turns in it and it could be on anything. and then we had to turn it into an imitation poem of Linda Gregerson's style. so this what I ended up with. if Dan and I actually end up being friends i'll share it with him. but still going strong on the snap game with him.

My Trip to Atlanta

My throat hurt and bothered me all week like a constant

                                                          reminder
                        that I didn’t really belong there,
 

just as soon as I relaxed the scratching would pop up

                                                            again
                       until one night I was able to forget,

thanks to Dan who volunteered to be our tour

                                                            guide
                        around Atlanta, which I was grateful
 

for because he showed me that I could make new

                                                            friends
                        quickly and connect with someone
 

beyond the same group of friends I’ve had for

                                                            years
                        who make me worried that I’m suck
 

and no one else will ever be interested in getting to

                                                            know me,
                        as if I’ve found my people and that’s it
 

but in 37 days I’ll be on an adventure full of

                                                            new
                        people and places. Dan showed me
 

that there is always another friend out there waiting to

                                                            meet me.


I was super excited when I finished it but just reading that I think I might want to make it so it is not so obvious and talk more about what he showed me in Atlanta, not just jumping right to the point. oh the life of a poet.

(this should be posted before the last one. I had wrote it as a word doc and couldn't post it then)

okay 11:08pm on 4/4/16 blog post:

I am currently in Atlanta at a diversity abroad conference. which is kind of pushing me to think about race and diversity – because honestly I’m not that diverse. but seeing what kind of daily struggles and experiences people go through because of their identity is pretty powerful and eye opening. I will never understand a lot of what they are talking about. but I admire them ten fold.

but overall the conference isn’t all that beneficial because a lot I sort of already know or it is geared towards students working in the public sectors or public policy/health or other careers completely internationally focused. I’m not sure how much I have really learned or gained other than what I spoke about above. but it is cool to hear from some people about what they have done and how entrepreneurship is a big trend and about them reiterating the skills that we need to be able to articulate about study abroad. so I do want to sit down and figure out what my skills are in a way where I can list them and talk about them and give examples where I demonstrated those skills.

I also want to try to figure out if I want to do Spotify or this internship in Ireland (although my dad can’t find his birth certificate so I might not be able to) or go to new Zealand or go to Nashville or teach abroad or do something completely else. these are the decisions that will define the rest of my life and the path I will take. I am sure they are all great paths and I will lead a happy fulfilling life but they are all very different paths. so I really need to do some soul searching and figure out what I want to do. I also have to hear back from Spotify, who I poked today, but have not heard back from.

so I am thinking instead of going to new York with ellie and Amelie, which would be fine but I just don’t want to do, I am thinking of going to the cape by myself and turning off all social media and just being myself and writing and reading and doing some school work and just figuring out who I am and what I want to do. that wouldn’t be this weekend but next.

but I am so lucky to be at this conference. babson is paying for everything. I had a great meal at a Japanese restaurant. I went swimming in the pool and the hot tub Jacuzzi. Allana is great and I am enjoying hanging out with her for these few days. and I get away from school for a few extra days and it is great. and I get to think about travel and different cultures the whole time. so that is pretty special as well.

hi I want to tell you about my Atlanta adventures but I am kind of tired and it's only 9:30.

anyways it ended with the last night hitting up some bars and flirting with a cute guy. who afterwards I end up snapping: "sad to say goodbye, you are fun & attractive, thanks for bringing us around and hanging out" to which he responded something like "damn, I feel the same way. I wish you were here." and I told him he has to come visit MA and I tried to get him to drive me to the airport but that didn't work. and then he just sent me a snap of him in a silly filter so I sent back a map of finding a cache in Georgia that I found with him. and that's all.

well there is a lot more but now I don't really feel like writing. I should go to sleep. i'm still kind of sick. okay bye.

hi so developments in Molly's life. I have an essay due tomorrow at midnight that I just started to today. I have finished 2 out of the 5 tags. tonight I have to do an all night dance party. and then tomorrow i'm flying to Atlanta. so my bare minimum goal is that I finish 3 tags today and then finish the other two tomorrow during my flights and at the hotel. cool.

what do I have to do:
- watch the webinar?
- pack
- plan this seminar somewhat
- email people about Scalefunder
- email ADE team about next steps
- write poems
- read play for MD

okay.

also so yesterday when I was doing laundry I ran into Hanson and he asked if I was going out and I said I was and he was like "yes!" and that was that. so I went out in hopes of seeing him. (he broke up with his girlfriend if that was unclear). and then I told Ellie this at some point during the night. so she called him and asked if he was coming. what a wing woman. so him and Terrence came. and some how I ended up talking to him a lot. snapshots from the conversation: him on tinder, that I have been on dates from dating apps, that my life is messed up and he will learn about it during the poetry workshop, my face when he read the poem about breaking up with his girlfriend, getting him to add me on snapchat, and then somehow I found out that Terrance played chello and had a recital today so it ended up with us going to their suite so Terrance could play chello for us. so he did and it was really good. and then we were all in the common room for a while and Hanson played his uke. and then Raphael who had followed me and Ellie was throwing up in the bathroom so I had to take him and gave him to another exchange student. and then Ellie and I went upstairs to get ready for bed. I am in my pjs and my glasses and Ellie says that Hanson texted the two of us (my phone is not working) asking if we were in map. Ellie says yes, why? and he says he is bored, so she tells him to come up. so he comes and hangs out with me and Ellie in our common area. and I think we talk about some post-grad stuff and I don't know what else. and then it ends with him letting me know I have the best credit card and then he leaves and I have a miserable night of sleep because I am drunk and sick. and then at some point during the night I make myself throw up because I am so dizzy and can't sleep. and then eventually I get up and then I've spent my whole day in the library trying to write this essay and figuring out what to do with my phone.

and oh I found out Hanson is going to Atlanta on Wednesday when I am coming home so I won't see him until next Sunday. so cool. anyways I don't know what that whole night was. but it was fun and cool. now I am going to look up what I had wrote about Hanson when I was crushing hard core sophomore year. and then back to my essay to try to write one more tag.

so last night I found out Derek is gay. which I found out while I was kind of drunk. and I was giving him a hard time about being jealous that I have guys hitting on me and it turned into him saying I like guys tbh and I said something sarcastic and he was like I assumed you knew and I then I went omg seriously? and he was like, yeah all the signs were there. to which I said well yeah, but you can't assume. he said valid point. so that was very strange. I swear that there was a girl he was going to ask out or went on dates with, so maybe he is bi, but I mean I could have guessed but I didn't know. unless he was just messing with me but I don't think he was because he would have told me right away if he was. but anyways kind of a shock and I don't think I handled it the best since I thought he was kidding at first and I was intoxicated. but then it was fine because I just told him all about my night, which I usually do. I was going to talk to him now and tell him about my Spotify internship but he isn't online. but anyways that's fun.

I had an interview with Spotify today. which I think went well. it was really laid back. but my whole team from the summer is now working on this team, which is why I think I was put up for this position. but I am excited. if I am offered this job, I will most likely take it, unless something else major randomly pops up. but hopefully I get it, it seems promising and like it is a good possibility.

but things with ellie are okay. I have sort of avoided her this week, but last night with her was good. and i'm still going to counseling which is basically just me talking through everything Ellie related. it is good for me to understand what our friendship has been and why I am feeling the way I am now and everything. basically the game plan is to stay friends for the rest of the year, but set boundaries, so she doesn't take too much of me and I have my space and freedom, and then I graduate and yippee.

other things i'm dealing with, ADE stuff is crap but just figuring that all out. hopefully it settles down a bit. but that's cool. i'm going home tomorrow after running some errands for Professor Sokuvitz in the morning. and then i'll be back Sunday night for another SODA.

omg I forgot to even tell you about my night last night. anyways lot of things led up to it being me, Ellie, and three of the exchange students, Antonio, Michela, and Marco in our suite playing never have I ever. so that was interesting. but basically we figured out that Molly hasn't done anything. so Antonio was like okay for the last month we will have you try weed, we will go to a club, and then if you have to do anything sexual you have two willing people. like what. I just sort of was like oookay next person's turn. I also found out that Marco has never had sex with someone he cared about, but he did have a girlfriend in high school. he also has had sex at Babson. and I thought Antonio had a girlfriend but he does not. so now I have to think if he has been hitting on me. because i'm probably closest to him out of all the exchange students and get along with him the most and talk to him the most. but anyways I hope I hang out with them all some more. maybe i'll see the out today although i'm not planning on staying out too late since I have to do the errands tomorrow. but I guess it's good to know that guys, who always want sex, especially those on exchange to us, find me suitable or would be willing....that's flattering right?

I was thinking of asking Marco out...like just the two of us hanging out. but that might be a bad idea since all the exchange students will know. and now that Antonio isn't in a relationship i'm more aware of our friendship. but still it would be cool to go out. I would actually make out with either of them. Marco is more attractive but Antonio is more fun and I get along with him so well. anyways. things Molly thinks about.

I guess those are all the major things happening now. cool cool.

hello i'm currently babysitting. I thought the parents would have been home by now but i'm still here. I am tired and I would like to sleep.

I've successfully not gone back to the suite all day today so I have not seen Ellie. she has snapped me, but I did not respond to them.

i'm kind of stressed out over this ADE crowdfunding thing and it makes me mad because I didn't have to take this class and I wish I hadn't now. because it is kind of a bummer and takes up a lot of time. but we will see what happens.

I wrote a sonnet just now. about Josh. so cool. do you want to hear it? I realize you don't get to see all of my poems, just the ones that start here. so maybe i'll share some with you. but here is the sonnet now, I already edited it and worked on it a bit, it will probably be revised some more.

Four Years Ago

Butterflies started before homeroom

when I knew I would see your face,
the start of a day when our sly smiles resume
and your every word made my heart race.

Text messages bounced from me to you
slowly building a connection in the air
for us to begin to step on as we outgrew
texts for running fingers through hair.

Each weekend we would test

how long goodbyes could take,
resting my head on your chest
ignoring time for love’s sake.

But love is easy for youth,

three words said that are no longer the truth.


ahh i'm tired though. I really just want to go to sleep. Ellie and Amelie are at a SODA. I just want to go to bed. but at least i'm making some money. 5 hours, $75 i'm at now. if they take another hour then i'm at $90. and now i'm done doing anything as long as the kids stay asleep.

anyways, cool, I don't even know what else to talk about now.

I don't know why i'm thinking about jobs now but I am. so I want to lay out my options.

SPOTIFY - new york
pros:
- good pay
- pretty secure typical job
- good benefits
- nearish by home
- anahita and rachel
cons:
- in ny
- large company
- away from the business
- expensive city

NASHVILLE
pros:
- close to music
- small town feel
- already know people
- low cost of living
- small company
cons:
- low pay
- everyone is doing music
- have to seriously pay dues to get anywhere
- I don't know where/what

ABROAD INTERNSHIP
pros:
- experience a new culture and get away
- now is the time to live abroad
- do something new
- build up my resume
- can find a job in the US later
- fun! travel!
cons:
- low pay if any
- away from home
- don't know anyone
- a big challenge
- still interning
- maybe hard to find a job when I get back or in the same spot as before

OTHER NEW YORK JOB
pros:
- nearby home
- can make connections in new york
- anahita & Rachel
cons:
- don't know what
- in ny
- expensive
- maybe low pay

so after this it looks like if I don't get this Spotify job, then it is between Nashville and abroad. maybe leaning towards abroad. but we will see. okay I should sleep.

okay so i'm in paris but I had a call with a Spotify recruiter about a position for Artist Insight Campaign Manager which is exactly what I would want to be doing if I was at Spotify. but I feel like I blew it. she just seemed super annoyed the whole time. and I wouldn't give her my salary expectations so I just said I had no salary expectations and I don't know if I messed that up. I could have easily just said what I was making as an intern or more. but I don't know. whatever. that's done I guess. I will see if I get onto the next round and if she passes my resume on. I hope to god that I do.

I tell myself that it wouldn't be a bad thing if I didn't get Spotify because then I could do whatever, like move to New Zealand or Ireland or do something closer related to music. but then I wonder if I am just telling myself that because I am worried. as a way out if I don't get it. because getting Spotify would be a stable income and great benefits and it would be a great job. it is sort of the standard, what people sort of expect me to do. not that that matters. but it would be great to start saving and pay off my student loans and it would be a good stable job. but I would have to live in new york which I would rather not do.

but I guess it is out of my hands now. we will see what happens.

I still got two full days and one day of traveling to get through here. I can't wait for my spring break to be over.

don't get me wrong, I love Paris and I love being here and seeing everything but I don't love the company and it's just exhausting.

heyy so i'm in Paris. Ellie is here. I am still constantly annoyed by her but I am dealing with it as I have for the past three years.

this trip is just reinforcing how I do not enjoy hanging out with her. everything is so negative. just the stories and experiences she shares, always negative. she really isn't that fun. and her feet her. she has huge bunions on her feet so her shoes hurt them and then if she wears different shoes that don't hurt her bunions they have no arch support so her arches hurt. it's like suck it up. we are tourists we are going to walk, you have to be prepared for that. what did you think we were going to be doing in Paris? it is literally all walking.

but I am just keeping my mouth shut and trying to avoid a breakdown or freaking out because it is only Sunday and we are here until Friday. so much fun.

I am so tired. the last few weeks have exhausted me.

my poetry portfolio is done. I am almost all packed. but I still have basically this full crowdfunding campaign to put together. what we have now sucks. I know it. but I haven't had time to really work on it. so that will be happening while in paris. great. and paris I am going to have to deal with ellie and literally I just can't handle her or put up with her at all. I realize just how much I don't like her. I know I have to change my mindset if I am going to enjoy paris at all. but right now that's where I am and it sucks.

i'm just getting so worn down and spring break is supposed to be a break but I feel like it is going to be just as crazy.

but I can do it. tomorrow i'll go to class from 9am to 3pm like a champ and then I don't think it is even worth doing the voiceover because I am going to want to change it. so i'll just hand in my portfolio, come back to the room, and finish packing. and then while i'm at the airport and on the plane I can work on the crowdfunding stuff and have that done by Monday. cool. awesome. bedtime now.

i'm trying not to let myself get stressed out right now. I don't really have a reason to. like I can handle what is happening right now. but here is the deal I guess.

so today was a successful day of avoiding Ellie. I woke up early so I could get some work done before FME review session at 9:45. I basically wrote the whole essay then so that's good. I did the FME review session which was basically me just in front of the class for an hour. and then we had a meeting with Professor Vroman which was good. and then I talked to Vik about his love life for a bit and quickly told me the Prateek update and a very brief friend stress summary. and then I went to lunch with Amelie and we talked about everything Ellie related. and she is kind of on the same page as me, but i'm in my fuck it stage. basically I just have to keep it together until after Paris then i'll probably just go ape-shit. i'm going to hold onto that letter until I need it. I am hoping she can process everything on her own and just get over it. but I am not apologizing and I don't feel bad at all. new Molly is focused on herself and doing what she needs to do.

anyways then I went to Wellesley to do some ADE work with Xi Xi which was fine. and babysitting got cancelled which was amazing. I haven't had to go for a while which is great actually. so I went to the Wellesley town library which is also amazing. they have all these work spots and it is so quiet and it is perfect. I can just come hide here and get work done and no one I know can find me. it is so perfect. so I finished my essay and the poem that went with it. i'm kind of proud of the poem. it is full of sexual innuendos but on the surface it is about babson, so that is fun.

and then I went back to campus to go to Vik's etowner housewarming party thing. which was kind of awkward because I didn't know anyone, but I did talk to a few people. but then it ended with me stealing pizza and going and eating it in my car. and then I had to decide where to go next, back to the dorm, the library, Reynolds, but it is freezing out. so I decided to drive back to the Wellesley library because it is open until 9. so here I am.

things I still have to do tonight: prep for my negotiations class tomorrow because we are filming it tomorrow. and it is for a job negotiation too, like I have the offer and need to negotiate my salary and my duties and all, so how about real world situation. and I just heard from Felicia about Spotify and she isn't recruiting anymore so I have to reach out to manager, who I know won't know of anything. and then I also have to plan these FME team retreats. and I also have a ton of ADE work to be done as well. and I still have the whole Ellie thing looming over me. and I have no time tomorrow. so I need to do everything tonight. I think i'm going to go talk to Derek for a minute, get in a better mood, and then get to work. the clock is ticking until I get kicked out of this library.

alright soooo latest update in the soap opera that is Molly's life. Ellie talked to Emma. and then I saw Emma today. and she said that Ellie thinking about not going to Paris now because if I can't last one night with her and Amelie how will I last in Paris. well that would be my problem, not hers. and I can hold it together. or I just do things by myself.

anyways Emma recommended that I write Ellie a letter. but I know if I write a letter Ellie will still want to talk about. i'm tired now but since i'm thinking about it I guess i'll write a letter now. and probably rewrite it or edit it later.

Ellie -

I wanted to write you a letter because it's easier for me to write things out and you have said you want the truth.

What I need from my friends now is space. I know that you are there for me and if I need you, I will come to you. And if I don't come to you, that doesn't mean you're a bad friend or that something is wrong. I also don't need you to continually check up on me or let me know that you are here for me, I know that. When people push too much, I pull away. And the best way to get me to come back, is to leave me be by myself and I will come when I am ready or when I need you.

I really want to focus on myself and what I need to do to make myself better. That involves me spending a lot of time by myself, because I enjoy spending time by myself. It is not a reflection on my friends. How much time I spend with my friends does not directly correlate to how close I am with them. Also all because I am spending time alone does not mean something is wrong. I genuinely like being alone and I have not spent enough time by myself in the past, so it may seem like I'm spending a lot of time alone moving forward. I also want to spend time with people who I haven't spent a lot with because I am seeing a lot of people who I could have been good friends but I am running out of time to do so.

Me going to counseling is about me figuring myself out. It does not mean my friends failed. It means I want to talk to someone about everything that has happened in my past, everything that is happening now, and everything that is going to happen. It is about me. Not about anyone else.

I also want to be able to make plans and do whatever I want without feeling guilty if you don't have plans or feeling like I have to explain myself if I don't spend time with you. I feel like you have high expectations of me as a friend and I can't keep reaching those. I don't want to feel responsible for making sure you are happy and entertained.

Also, I heard you are thinking about not going to Paris. Please don't do that because you think I won't be able to handle hanging out with you and Amelie for a week. I know what the week will be like and I'll be prepared. I will make sure I have a good time and enjoy it.

I understand if you want to talk about this with me, or I'm comfortable just moving forward.



alright, alright. i'm going to send that to Emma and then go to bed. and then maybe edit it tomorrow and figure out what to do from there. goodnight!

alright so I talked with Ellie. as soon as she got back this morning she knocked on my door. and I said a lot of things. and she cried. and I don't feel bad at all. I think the whole thing where I don't care if we aren't friends anymore is making it kind of easier. but anyways I don't really know what she is thinking. but I am doing my own thing now. and I am going to be happy and not give a fuck.

i'm actually in a pretty good mood right now. so that's cool. I still have a lot of work to do, but I'll get it done.

I kind of hope I end up moving to New Zealand just so when people ask what I'm doing after graduation I can say "I'm moving to New Zealand and working at Universal Music" because I mean come on. oh I want to go look up flight prices.

oh hey so it's 9pm and i'm going to venture out of my room to pee and brush my teeth and then it's time for bed.

but for the record, I enjoyed being in my room by myself and just chilling for the last two hours or so. so cool.

yeah something might be wrong when I opened my door and saw that Ellie had her door open and the lights on...aka waiting for me. and I closed my door and decided that I just won't wash my face or brush my teeth and i'll throw out my contacts and I will leave my glasses over there....all so I don't have to talk to Ellie. awesome. I mean I could tell her the truth or whatever she wants...but I know what will happen. she will get offended or act all concerned like. either I don't want to deal with. I honestly just want to be left alone. maybe I should just tell her that.

like earlier I was expecting her to be upset or whatever when I had a convo with her and actually she was. she started to get emotional. but she handled it better than I expected. but she still tried to make me feel bad. and she overreacted and got emotional last night because I was fucking doing as I was supposed to. like fuck all of them. and fuck this. why the hell am I hiding in my room. I can do whatever the hell I want.

if she asks if i'm okay. what do I say....I don't want to talk. i'm at my limit. please leave me alone.

that sounds good. brb. I actually really want to brush my teeth.

okay so I made it though and I just got a "Goodnight, Molly!" as I was entering my room.

you know what I realized that. I don't have to do anything. I don't owe anyone anything. I don't have to explain myself to Ellie. I don't have to tell her the truth or confront it or any fucking thing. I don't have to talk about it. I don't have to spend time with her. I don't have to do anything to make her feel better. so fuck all of this. I can be a bitter bitch and no one can do anything about it. fuck yeah.

okay so I realized another thing today. even though I am friends with Ellie and I like never hang out with anyone else. and I was able to sort of talk to her about stuff today. I don't enjoy being friends with her. like it isn't fun. usually I am just annoyed by her complaining. or she is just being negative. or making snarky comments. and it isn't funny or fun or anything. and the night is usually me biting my tongue or trying to be positive. and I just get tired and exhausted and I can't keep it up any more. so I just shut down and be quiet and pissed off. and then they wonder what is wrong with me. like she just texted me "Are you okay?" i'm fucking fine. piss off. leave me the fuck alone. and I don't know why I can't just make it though a night without getting annoyed at her. but I shouldn't feel this way about my friends, right? I honestly can't wait to be done with college. away from all these people. and I don't have to be friends with Ellie. she is complaining about how she doesn't know where she will be living while she is talking to two people who don't even have a fucking job and also have no idea where they are living. and I don't even know why I am that mad and angry and pissed off. like it was a fine night. but I started getting annoyed when she was complaining about Blurry Face the song and I just couldn't handle it anymore. like i'm sick and tired of stuffing my emotions away for the sake of keeping the peace or not having anyone get upset or having everyone get along. fuck that.

hi, wait I don't know what the last thing I said was. I feel like I need to keep you updated.

okay doesn't matter. I haven't talked to Ellie about that yet. she has been on her best behavior. this week I have been pulling away from her and Roxy a lot.

I've realized...by thinking about this and going to counseling and talking it though...that I am always the peace-keeper, the voice of reason, the responsible one who brings everyone together. I was for my family with sisters and parents and all. I am with Ellie and everyone else. If I don't go to something, it is likely to be cancelled. I often take that role with Roxy and group meetings and just often. And it is a lot. I am always taking care of people. I am always responsible and have all these expectations. They just always expect me to be there and fix things or hold it together or be positive and help move things along. And I can't do it anymore. Today I literally hid away from campus. Well this morning I dogsat. And then I came back for a little bit for a meeting and then I went to counseling and then I went to the Wellesley library (which is so cute) and then now I am at Starbucks.

I just really love libraries though. I can just walk in and I can stay as long as it is open and I am always welcome. And it is quiet. And no one is going to be going to the Wellesley library from Babson that I will run into and have to talk to.

But I have been avoiding Ellie and waiting for her to say something or throw a fit but she hasn't. And I have been avoiding Roxy too because she wants me to help her with this Jimmy Fund Dance thing but the only reason I signed up in the first place was because she is my friend and I support her. I already raised my money. Yet she still expects us all to help her and to take initiative and organize, even though the only reason why we are doing this is because she is our friend, not because we are passionate about this cause.

Ellie texted me earlier and said, "Hello how are you? Is there anything I can do to make your day more positive?" to which I said "No, I'm enjoying a day to myself!" and she said "Good for you." and then a little while later she said "We may be playing mariokart later if you want to join." and I'm not going to respond. but I don't think she is reaching out because she actually cares about how I am but because she wants to feel like she is being a good friend. to save her conscience. if I spend any time by myself or hide away in my room they are all concerned. because I am not there for them. there must be something wrong with Molly. no, i'm actually okay. I just need to be alone and that has nothing to do with you. I don't have to spend every second with you and if you don't see me for a day it's okay. I don't have to tell you everything I'm doing and do everything with you. I like to have my own space and privacy.

I was also annoyed with Roxy. she texted me earlier and said "when are you free between 3 and 6?" to which I said "for what" and she said "Jimmy" so I said "Honestly I cant worry about that now but you can still meet with everyone else" and she said "Okay. Is everything okay?" and I said "Just overwhelmed and stressed out" and she said "Okay." she was probably mad at me but whatever, I couldn't handle that meeting because I knew that I would be the one moving the meeting forward and bringing everyone together like I did last time we had a Jimmyfund meeting.

but I met with my dad and stood up to him. i had to bring up the phone call and talk about it first. he even teared up. i kept it together better than he did. but i was proud of myself for explaining myself and saying everything i needed to say and not letting him sucker me into anything. so that is good.

and i am trying to stay on top of my work. by not spending time with my friends and spending more time with myself i have more time to get work done, which is good. tomorrow i am planning on going to the other Wellesley library and hiding away there for the whole day.

but really what i am doing now is trying to find balance. i need more time to myself. i have enough responsibility with school and trying to find jobs that I don't need responsibilities from my friends now. I need more me time. I don't need to spend every free second or every time I'm in the dorm with them. when i want to spend time with them I will reach out and ask to spend time with them. until then I would like them to just respect my space and trust that i am doing what i need to do and not feel like they need to be a good friend and be there for me. i don't need them to me there for me unless i ask them. i am independent and can handle myself.

so lots of fun stuff there. now i am going to leave Starbucks soon and then drive to Somerville for an ADE dinner where we will make our own pizzas. it should be fun. and it will be good to spend time with those people. and then after that Karla might be here at pub so I will go and hang out with her. and tomorrow will be spent at the library getting work done. i'll try to finish an essay i have due Tuesday. and then maybe work on some poetry stuff and also on ADE stuff. and then Sunday i have an ADE brunch and i'm not sure what else i will be doing. the Oscars are on that night but i might not watch them because when i watch them with Ellie and Amelie they always complain about everything and focus on all the negative things instead of the positive things.

also there is a date going on to my left. the guy got here first and i think he was trying to figure out if i was her. i was not, which he got when i looked at him with a straight face and then went back to my laptop. but then she showed up, so he was saved.

(this should have been posted on Friday the 26th)