hi, wait I don't know what the last thing I said was. I feel like I need to keep you updated.

okay doesn't matter. I haven't talked to Ellie about that yet. she has been on her best behavior. this week I have been pulling away from her and Roxy a lot.

I've realized...by thinking about this and going to counseling and talking it though...that I am always the peace-keeper, the voice of reason, the responsible one who brings everyone together. I was for my family with sisters and parents and all. I am with Ellie and everyone else. If I don't go to something, it is likely to be cancelled. I often take that role with Roxy and group meetings and just often. And it is a lot. I am always taking care of people. I am always responsible and have all these expectations. They just always expect me to be there and fix things or hold it together or be positive and help move things along. And I can't do it anymore. Today I literally hid away from campus. Well this morning I dogsat. And then I came back for a little bit for a meeting and then I went to counseling and then I went to the Wellesley library (which is so cute) and then now I am at Starbucks.

I just really love libraries though. I can just walk in and I can stay as long as it is open and I am always welcome. And it is quiet. And no one is going to be going to the Wellesley library from Babson that I will run into and have to talk to.

But I have been avoiding Ellie and waiting for her to say something or throw a fit but she hasn't. And I have been avoiding Roxy too because she wants me to help her with this Jimmy Fund Dance thing but the only reason I signed up in the first place was because she is my friend and I support her. I already raised my money. Yet she still expects us all to help her and to take initiative and organize, even though the only reason why we are doing this is because she is our friend, not because we are passionate about this cause.

Ellie texted me earlier and said, "Hello how are you? Is there anything I can do to make your day more positive?" to which I said "No, I'm enjoying a day to myself!" and she said "Good for you." and then a little while later she said "We may be playing mariokart later if you want to join." and I'm not going to respond. but I don't think she is reaching out because she actually cares about how I am but because she wants to feel like she is being a good friend. to save her conscience. if I spend any time by myself or hide away in my room they are all concerned. because I am not there for them. there must be something wrong with Molly. no, i'm actually okay. I just need to be alone and that has nothing to do with you. I don't have to spend every second with you and if you don't see me for a day it's okay. I don't have to tell you everything I'm doing and do everything with you. I like to have my own space and privacy.

I was also annoyed with Roxy. she texted me earlier and said "when are you free between 3 and 6?" to which I said "for what" and she said "Jimmy" so I said "Honestly I cant worry about that now but you can still meet with everyone else" and she said "Okay. Is everything okay?" and I said "Just overwhelmed and stressed out" and she said "Okay." she was probably mad at me but whatever, I couldn't handle that meeting because I knew that I would be the one moving the meeting forward and bringing everyone together like I did last time we had a Jimmyfund meeting.

but I met with my dad and stood up to him. i had to bring up the phone call and talk about it first. he even teared up. i kept it together better than he did. but i was proud of myself for explaining myself and saying everything i needed to say and not letting him sucker me into anything. so that is good.

and i am trying to stay on top of my work. by not spending time with my friends and spending more time with myself i have more time to get work done, which is good. tomorrow i am planning on going to the other Wellesley library and hiding away there for the whole day.

but really what i am doing now is trying to find balance. i need more time to myself. i have enough responsibility with school and trying to find jobs that I don't need responsibilities from my friends now. I need more me time. I don't need to spend every free second or every time I'm in the dorm with them. when i want to spend time with them I will reach out and ask to spend time with them. until then I would like them to just respect my space and trust that i am doing what i need to do and not feel like they need to be a good friend and be there for me. i don't need them to me there for me unless i ask them. i am independent and can handle myself.

so lots of fun stuff there. now i am going to leave Starbucks soon and then drive to Somerville for an ADE dinner where we will make our own pizzas. it should be fun. and it will be good to spend time with those people. and then after that Karla might be here at pub so I will go and hang out with her. and tomorrow will be spent at the library getting work done. i'll try to finish an essay i have due Tuesday. and then maybe work on some poetry stuff and also on ADE stuff. and then Sunday i have an ADE brunch and i'm not sure what else i will be doing. the Oscars are on that night but i might not watch them because when i watch them with Ellie and Amelie they always complain about everything and focus on all the negative things instead of the positive things.

also there is a date going on to my left. the guy got here first and i think he was trying to figure out if i was her. i was not, which he got when i looked at him with a straight face and then went back to my laptop. but then she showed up, so he was saved.

(this should have been posted on Friday the 26th)