okay so the last time I posted I had a mental breakdown. like that night was horrible. I was repeating "I can't do this" and just uncontrollably sobbing. so I set up an appointment with a counselor. and then other stuff happened with Ellie too. and then it was me just sobbing and talking for an hour with my counselor. and then having to tell Ellie that I can't be involved in her problems and then having to console her because she made me going to counseling about herself.

and i'm kind of really messed up. I need to make Ellie back up and let me breath. she had been sucking me dry and just taking all of me up. and then my dad's email gave me one more thing to worry about which made me go over the edge. and everything I had to worry about.

I ended up cancelling all my meetings and going home for the weekend. where I am now. i'm doing better. I am mentally preparing myself to go back to school. I really don't want to.

okay this is what I have to do.
ADE work
Poems/read
Organize other homework/essays/to-do
FME meeting
Respond to emails

it will also be easy for me to just act crazy but I feel like that will make Ellie and my friends try to hold on too much and suffocate me more, so I have to act normal and happy enough that they will leave me alone and not worry about me.

I read a post about if maybe you are a toxic friend. i'm going to list the ones that apply to Ellie.
You're overprotective
You're a crisis magnet
You NEED them

ahh then someone in the comments added: You make them feel guilty

and when I talked to Ellie right after counseling, because when I left for counseling she was in tears and I could tell she didn't want to leave, she was all like you have to tell me if i'm doing anything that is hurting you blah blah. but I know she doesn't actually want to hear it and she would cry and break down and be super apologetic if I ever told her anything like that. maybe I will eventually because it might kill me otherwise being friends with her.

but in order to get through tomorrow, we are going to get massages, I am going to have to put on a happy face and deal with it. and then in 3 weeks i'm going to Paris with her. but i'm going to Paris so it is worth it. and I got a $1,000 grant to go which is a relief.

okay deep breaths. tomorrow i'm going to kill it. I've been killing it applying to jobs recently and tomorrow i'm going to get my life back in order, or as much as I can, and I am going to get ready to go back to school. i'll call my dad. and i'll just take everything one thing at a time.

woooooo