okay so I realized another thing today. even though I am friends with Ellie and I like never hang out with anyone else. and I was able to sort of talk to her about stuff today. I don't enjoy being friends with her. like it isn't fun. usually I am just annoyed by her complaining. or she is just being negative. or making snarky comments. and it isn't funny or fun or anything. and the night is usually me biting my tongue or trying to be positive. and I just get tired and exhausted and I can't keep it up any more. so I just shut down and be quiet and pissed off. and then they wonder what is wrong with me. like she just texted me "Are you okay?" i'm fucking fine. piss off. leave me the fuck alone. and I don't know why I can't just make it though a night without getting annoyed at her. but I shouldn't feel this way about my friends, right? I honestly can't wait to be done with college. away from all these people. and I don't have to be friends with Ellie. she is complaining about how she doesn't know where she will be living while she is talking to two people who don't even have a fucking job and also have no idea where they are living. and I don't even know why I am that mad and angry and pissed off. like it was a fine night. but I started getting annoyed when she was complaining about Blurry Face the song and I just couldn't handle it anymore. like i'm sick and tired of stuffing my emotions away for the sake of keeping the peace or not having anyone get upset or having everyone get along. fuck that.