I can not fall asleep because 1. I had coffee not too long ago and 2. I keep replaying a script of what I need to say to Ellie over again in my head. so I am going to write it out. and I am scared that she heard me talking to Emma in the hallway and is mad at me. but oh well.

I feel like I am obligated to spend all my free time with you. I feel responsible for entertaining you. I feel guilty when I have plans and you're by yourself, especially when you say thing like "I'm bored and lonely" which feels like a direct message to me that I should be spending time with you so you won't be bored and lonely. I feel like you are dependent on me and need me, which I believe is not how a healthy friendship should be. I think that friends should just enjoy spending time together, but not all the time. I feel like you have high expectations of me and I feel judged when I don't meet those. I am scared often of what you will say or what mood you will be in. I feel like I always have to tell you where I am and like I have to be accountable to you, which I shouldn't. I am nervous about what I say or do because I don't want to upset you. I feel trapped.

okay so that's the plan of what to say. my plan tomorrow is to go to this talk on the music industry at Harvard at 4 and then meet up with Karla at 5:30 for dinner. and then when i'm back it is time to talk about this.

and I haven't even given you the latest update regarding my phone call with my father. and then he texted me today asking if I was free on Friday night. I haven't texted back. I don't know what to do. and my counseling meeting isn't until Friday afternoon. i'm going to have to make a decision tomorrow. I kind of want to meet with him because I want to be on good terms again because I want a copy of his birth certificate so I can get my Irish passport and tell him that I was offered an internship in Dublin - which I had to sort of turn down because it was unpaid and I still have plenty of time to find something else, but still pretty cool.

anyways I guess I should try to sleep again. 8am class tomorrow. ahhh good times.