alright soooo latest update in the soap opera that is Molly's life. Ellie talked to Emma. and then I saw Emma today. and she said that Ellie thinking about not going to Paris now because if I can't last one night with her and Amelie how will I last in Paris. well that would be my problem, not hers. and I can hold it together. or I just do things by myself.

anyways Emma recommended that I write Ellie a letter. but I know if I write a letter Ellie will still want to talk about. i'm tired now but since i'm thinking about it I guess i'll write a letter now. and probably rewrite it or edit it later.

Ellie -

I wanted to write you a letter because it's easier for me to write things out and you have said you want the truth.

What I need from my friends now is space. I know that you are there for me and if I need you, I will come to you. And if I don't come to you, that doesn't mean you're a bad friend or that something is wrong. I also don't need you to continually check up on me or let me know that you are here for me, I know that. When people push too much, I pull away. And the best way to get me to come back, is to leave me be by myself and I will come when I am ready or when I need you.

I really want to focus on myself and what I need to do to make myself better. That involves me spending a lot of time by myself, because I enjoy spending time by myself. It is not a reflection on my friends. How much time I spend with my friends does not directly correlate to how close I am with them. Also all because I am spending time alone does not mean something is wrong. I genuinely like being alone and I have not spent enough time by myself in the past, so it may seem like I'm spending a lot of time alone moving forward. I also want to spend time with people who I haven't spent a lot with because I am seeing a lot of people who I could have been good friends but I am running out of time to do so.

Me going to counseling is about me figuring myself out. It does not mean my friends failed. It means I want to talk to someone about everything that has happened in my past, everything that is happening now, and everything that is going to happen. It is about me. Not about anyone else.

I also want to be able to make plans and do whatever I want without feeling guilty if you don't have plans or feeling like I have to explain myself if I don't spend time with you. I feel like you have high expectations of me as a friend and I can't keep reaching those. I don't want to feel responsible for making sure you are happy and entertained.

Also, I heard you are thinking about not going to Paris. Please don't do that because you think I won't be able to handle hanging out with you and Amelie for a week. I know what the week will be like and I'll be prepared. I will make sure I have a good time and enjoy it.

I understand if you want to talk about this with me, or I'm comfortable just moving forward.



alright, alright. i'm going to send that to Emma and then go to bed. and then maybe edit it tomorrow and figure out what to do from there. goodnight!