oh I have so much to tell you. but i'm too tired to do it all now.

but I am trying to not let myself get attached. because I know he's not the right one. and I know he won't ever treat me the way I deserve or want to be treated. like I can only take so many jokes ragging on me. and I know he is judging me for being a virgin and I know he is going to want to have sex. and if I don't have sex with him he is going to go have sex with other women. so i'm pretty sure i'm not the only woman he is dating or seeing. and I can't justify having sex with him so he will be exclusive with me. I want him to want to be with me because he wants to be with me regardless of the sex.

and i'm sad because I know it's not going to work out how I want it to. there isn't going to be a fairy tale ending here and i'm going to lose the closest friend I have here. I mean I can propose that we just be friends but won't it be awkward now after we already went past that just friends line?

I don't want to have this conversation with him because I know it is most likely going to end with him saying that he wants to have sex and doesn't understand being in a relationship or exclusive with someone without sex. which I can see and understand where he is coming from but I just don't agree. i'm worth more than sex and i'm worth more than jokes about him having side bitches and me being one of them.

this would be so much easier if I just had sex with him. like sex isn't that big of a deal, is it? well it would cost me almost 100 euros to get on birth control between the consultation and the actual pill for three months. but apart from that, it's that big of a deal right? who am I kidding, Molly you will get even more attached if you have sex with him. and you are going to have to leave in three months. and even if there is that little hope that it could still work, you know very well it wouldn't. you wouldn't want it to because you are going to be off somewhere new and don't want to worry about a boyfriend - you did that once and saw how badly that worked out. plus his life is so different than mine, he wouldn't travel to the US or anywhere really. but it would be so nice to have him to myself as a friend and more and to have sex with him for three months. I could still make the decision to do that. and as much as I want to do that, I think I would still be disappointed. I don't think he could give me the emotional connection I want. I want to feel like I belong and have a place here and I don't think i'll find that by having sex with James and I would be fooling myself if I said otherwise.

but maybe i'm wrong and it would make me happy and I would have a great friend and I don't know. it sort of feels like i'm making a big deal out of nothing. like why not just get sex over with so I don't have to go through this again the next time I meet someone I like.

I don't think this really helped me figure it out. like what I said at first is what I know makes logical sense but don't you just want to say fuck what makes sense and do the irrational and crazy even though you know it will hurt you in the long run?