hi so it is past midnight and I am still awake. it tried to go to sleep at like 10:30 but couldn't fall asleep and kept getting up trying again and here I am. I was up at 7am this morning so I could finish my poetry portfolio which was due at noon today. I was planning on doing it yesterday but I was so hung over I couldn't focus until the evening. yeah I got super drunk and I really can't remember anything except throwing up in Roxy's room and not wanting to leave Roxy's room and then being back in my room sobbing in my bed and talking with Ellie and Amelie. so that was fun. and I text Hanson at one point to respond to his text if there was anything still going on. and apparently I took lots of pictures with exchange students and I honestly don't remember a lot of the party. and I felt like crap the next day. but I guess it was fun? not really but I didn't want to have to worry about anything.

now I won't let myself relax and fall asleep. like I am physically keeping myself clenched up and tight like I am worried about what I have to do. but really I can relax. I finished all my assignments. i'm not going to worry or work on ADE anymore, and then that presentation is Tuesday. and then my other final is Thursday. yes I have other meetings and stuff but I am pretty much done. maybe the whole moving to Ireland thing is worrying me. but I am going to talk to Grandma tomorrow and hopefully that will help ease some of my worries. but after graduation I literally only have a week before I am off to Ireland. and I am already having meetings with one of my new bosses because I got myself two internships for Ireland because why not. and I really can't just let myself relax so I can fall asleep. like I just keep constantly thinking. and for some reason I was thinking it would be a good idea to text Prateek so maybe i'll do that at some point if I still feel like it then. and I know I shouldn't be bumming about Hanson but I still am and I can't wait to just be done here and move on so I can leave all the worries and stress and anxiety from this place behind so I can only focus on the worries and stress and anxiety of the next chapter instead of having to think about all of it. so close. so close. Dana is visiting tomorrow and then Sunday i'm dog sitting and have an ADE meeting and FME review session then Monday I have a lunch meeting and then i'm babysitting and I think I maybe have a meeting in the morning too and then maybe something in the evening. and then Tuesday if the FME final and then I think I have something after, I can just see blocks on my calendar in my memory, and then Wednesday I am babysitting, and then Thursday is my modern drama final, and then Friday we are going to Maine to Mike's lake house a bunch of us which will be interesting, and we will be there until Monday morning when I come back to campus and then it's senior week, which Hanson is doing but Terrence is not. which makes me sad because I really like Terrence and talking to him and hanging out with him, he just always makes sense and is so calm and cool.

how can I get myself to relax and stop thinking about everything and go to sleep?

I have a bunch of pictures of how I want my hair cut, short above the shoulder. and because this is what my life is now, my plan is to not post any pictures of it until Ireland and then get an awesome picture of me there and switch my facebook profile picture, cover phone, and all my info there in a big switch to the "new me" now living in Ireland. I was starting to have second thoughts about cutting my hair earlier but then I happened to stumble upon a video of Kayli cutting her hair so then I looked up pictures and now I am excited again. but my big short hair reveal might not work if I decide to go to Emily's graduation party which would be the sunday before I leave for Ireland - which will probably be the Monday or Tuesday immediately after. if I decide to go to the party, I might be ready to just leave everyone behind and spend another day with my family.

ah I really need to stop thinking and worrying about all of this. I am going to go get my water and then hopefully i'll be able to fall asleep this time. i'll just have to force myself to. I really am exhausted, at least I can sleep in tomorrow because Dana isn't going to be here until 3ish.

well here is to being done with classes forever (maybe) and almost being done with college. yippee.