I've just felt so anxious all day without a clear reason. I think it has to do with yesterday I tried to say thank you to James's mom for cooking me dinner all the time and it was so awkward and cringey and I just couldn't stand it and James just laughed at me. And I started to get upset of course. And I was telling me how it's still uncomfortable and awkward for me to basically be living in his house, I'm sleeping at his more than I'm sleeping at mine. And he said if the tables were turned, he wouldn't do what I do. But like it's what I have to do if I want to spend time with him. And then later on in the night he said he feels like I put in more effort or do more than him. So I asked if he wants me to do less and he said no, he wants to do more. But I don't know if all that got to me today just looking at what I'm doing with my life. My job is boring and I don't like it, I live half the time at my boyfriend's mother's house, I am making enough money to support myself and save some, and like I enjoy hanging out with James but I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life. And I've always known I wasn't going to stay at this job but now I'm staying so I can get paid for my vacations and I am getting a trip to Vienna for work.

Now I just talked to Maeve for a while basically crying and telling her everything. And it's kind of like I know I am going to have to leave Dublin if I want to do more, even though I would love to just get an apartment with James and live with him. But I'll be stuck if I do. I'll get another job but everyone gets stuck in Dublin. it's like a small town that you can't leave, everyone just pulls you down to their level. yeah, I can rise above it but I already feel myself getting stuck and complacent. how many months did I waste here? but was it really a waste? no, I don't think so, I don't think that is fair to call it a waste.

But I know I need a change soon. The last two months just sort of disappearing. Going to work, going to James's, going to work, going to James's, like that is it. I didn't do anything. And yes, I could do this the rest of my life but I wouldn't fill fulfilled or happy.

Maybe I just realized that a change is coming and it scared me and got me anxious. Because I can't do this forever. And it is going to kill me and hurt me so much to say bye to James, but I know it's going to happen even if it my head my fantasy is moving into an apartment with him and running my own business with him and being so happy with him. I have so much more to do and I don't know if I can do it with him and I don't know if I can do it here in Ireland. I'm holding myself back, I know that. I just have to figure out if it is me living in Ireland that is holding me back or if I would do the same no matter where I live and I just need to start doing something with my life.

Okay schedule for next week - this week I'll be in Scotland!

Lunch - calling companies in Ireland
Monday - with James
Tuesday - Illustrator/looking up and applying for other jobs/Zumba (or maybe with fam?)
Wednesday - with James
Thursday - Illustrator/looking up and applying for other jobs
Friday to Monday - Vienna but try to do work for myself
Tuesday - James
Wednesday - Illustrator/looking up and applying for other jobs
Thursday - ditto
Friday to Sunday - James
Packing & working for myself & seeing James when I can

So basically I need to try to fit in learning Illustrator, applying for jobs, calling companies during lunch, and going to see James when I can - on the weekend usually I can get some work done too and sometimes on the bus I can too if my body decides to cooperate and I don't get a headache while on my laptop.

But now I have to go cook dinner, finish packing and cleaning, and then sleep - ideally in bed before 9 and I have to shower - talking to Maeve and all this crying really put me back.