hi so it's new years eve and i'm in bed in my room by myself. i could be down stairs with maeve and her friend kayla but ehhh i was with them for a bit but i'm tired. i'll probably be asleep before 12.

i was having a mental breakdown earlier today but i think i'm okay now. we will see how it goes.

but i wanted to write this post to reflect on 2013 and to write down my goals. so let's see what the blog holds.

but wow, i'm going to have 5 complete years of this blog soon. that's a lot.

OH RIGHT. my mind was not in the right place. my mom had told me earlier that it was exactly a year ago today that Taylor was waking up at our house and eating breakfast at outlook. but for some reason i was thinking i spent new years at Josh's. oh wow. that was when things started going south very quickly. he was mad that i didn't spend new years with him. and instead i stayed home crying.

wow, you should just go read that series of events on December 30, 2012. that was some day that Boston concert. anyways let's see what i wrote about in January.

January:
- had to sit through the Hobbit and was really mad at Abby
- my relationship with josh was basically shit
- i wanted to go to california for spring break (ha)
- i still loved Taylor Mathews
- i couldn't wait to go back to school
- i was working out every day (yeah so strong)
- shit with the parents

February:
- my gramma died :(
- i cried a lot
- R5 and Taylor Mathews saved me
- filmed our Falling for You music video (which was 20,021 views right now)

March:
- Abby was no longer a viewer on this blog
- still downhill with the boyfriend
- discovered Alex Aiono
- i only posted twice this month

April:
- yeah abby and i officially not really friends, wooo
- josh's mom posted shit about me on facebook, final straw really
- josh and i broke up
- FME woo!
- applied for summer jobs
- had a guy ask me to dance at a party (just saying but every time i see him around campus now, i think of that)
- Taylor Mathews & Alex Aiono & Loud Tour (the best days were the concert days and the anticipation leading up to them)

May:
- back home for a week (a.k.a. dealing with family shit)
- Taylor Mathews kickstarter
- got my camp counselor job
- more Taylor Mathews

June:
- i didn't post anything...but i was at school learning Chinese and then in China! woot woo!
- then i started camp
- Taylor Mathews called me on my birthday

July:
- camp norwhich was my life
- i wanted friends
- found out my dad has a girlfriend
- gave a guy my number who never texted or contacted me at all (f u)

August:
- the amazing Taylor Swift/AJR/R5 concert NJ road trip (even though AJR never performed but we met them!)
- KTK!!!!!!
- Megan & Liz concert then Alex Goot/KTK etc. (two times, once with AJR performing)
- grampa died while we were in NYC ):

September:
- started sophomore year of college
- started working on my music fan website idea
- Abby defriend me from facebook (or i just found out)
- equestrian team
- won the mix 93.1 video contest

October:
- video chatted with Taylor Mathews
- our uncle chris came back into our lives
- tried talked to josh on facebook...that failed
- social media break for a month
- thought i was bcced on something for Tay's honor club...really it was just emailed to me along with everyone else...wow so dumb
- found out my roommate was cutting herself
- KTK
- midterms
- AJR concert
- met my dad's girlfriend

November:
- drove home for Maeve's birthday
- more shit with the parents, aka with the dad
- Kozmo!
- shit of a thanksgiving

December:
- somehow managed to get through finals and christmas
- now

okay that took a while. really the only good parts of this year were when i was at a concert. i mean school wasn't all that bad mostly, but it is nothing to brag about. but honestly most everything else sucked...i broke up with my boyfriend, both my grandparents died, there was a ton of shit with the divorce and parents. okay i did go to china, that was awesome. and camp wasn't bad all the time, i loved most of the girls, not really the other counselors though. and that's basically my year.

okay this is what i want my year to look like next year:

January:
- Leaderclips internship
- Puppy sitting!
- Started MS Cure Fund internship

February:
- Taylor Mathews!
- ParadiseFears/Sunderland concert
- making money with the internships!
- hear back from some of the summer internships i applied to

March:
- relaxing, no drama spring break
- Demi Lovato concert
- Imagine Dragons concert

April:
- marking more money!
- figure out the plan for the summer!

May:
- finish sophomore year!
- move to Cali/Nashville for an internship in the music industry

June:
- internship!

July:
- internship!

August:
- internship!
- home then prepare for China!

September:
- start junior year!
- China study abroad!

October:
- China study abroad!

November:
- China study abroad!

December!
- China study abroad!
- home and the holidays

Okay so it is a rough sketch, but for most part of it, i'm not even home. it's going to be a big year for me. big transitions and growing up. hopefully.

Maeve just came in and said goodnight and happy new years, Kaya and her are going to sleep and it's 11:12pm at night. at the rate i'm writing this blog it will be next year by the time i'm done.

okay let's get some goals and resolutions and things to work on then we can be done:

- save $5,000 by working and have it in my checking account by the end of April
- have a summer internship in the music industry

- take control of myself -> my thoughts, feelings, attitudes, actions
- stop complaining
- stop comparing myself to others
- have internal security
- build self awareness
- reach out to build relationships and really care about how they are doing
- choose happiness

so really i just want to be happy with myself and more secure with who i am so no one or no thing can shake me.

sounds good. okay i should get ready to sleep. goodnight, 2013.

i just wanted to say, Merry Christmas. appreciate what you have and your family. give them an extra hug. okay?

this is the first christmas that i can remember, maybe since i was born, that the whole family isn't together. our first christmas without gramma and grampa. i didn't realize how sad that was until today. my mom started crying after she read the christmas card from my dad's cousin in hong kong who always writes a novel about their past year. and they wrote about how they traveled everywhere and blah blah. i'm not sure why she cried about that. maybe because she wishes she could give us that kind of life. i hope not. because i am happy with the life i have. but then she started crying when she read the card from her sister which mentioned gramma and grampa. and now i'm starting to cry. i miss them so much. maeve and maura wore some of their old sweaters today. and i really do miss them. i know they are still looking down and watching us though. they leave us coins to find. gramma leaves pennies, grampa leaves quarters, and my mom's mom Marielle leaves dimes. i keep all of them when i find them. it is nice to know they are still with us but i miss them and wish they were here.

but we survived christmas eve at our dad's house. and we have christmas tomorrow. still not used to do the split holidays. but we might have managed to get new years at home instead of at the lake. anyways i should stop crying and go to sleep.

i love you gramma and grampa and i miss you. thank you for being there for us.

hi so i'm thinking that tour managing for king the kid might not be the best idea. all of you reading this are probably like, duhh about time you figured that out. i really don't know them at all. while they are all really nice and all that is just what i have seen from the one time i met them from a fan's point of view. like today david posted something about getting high and 4:20 and all. and i'm like...do i really even know these kids? i can not deal if they are smoking weed all the time. not that i think they do, but still. i don't know. i said i was going to wait two weeks before i emailed them again anyways. now i might not email them again at all. the chance to be a tour manager will come up with it's the right time.

now though i have to get moving on my internship applications. ahhh!

other than that, i'm learning guitar. i think i'm doing well for only playing three days. except for the fact that my fingers hurt so much. they hurt right now typing this because of the guitar. but i push on because it is so addicting and i just want to keep playing and getting better. so hopefully by the end of this vacation i will be good enough that i won't be embarrassed to play in front of people and i will actually want to play in front of people. and i can play Say Something on the piano now too! Maeve was playing it on the guitar, Maura was on one keyboard and i was on the other and we all played it! it wasn't perfect but it was fun! and we actually made music and yayy!

umm also my dad wanted to bring his girlfriend to christmas eve. and then he tried to guilt trip us when we didn't want her to be there. and kept asking why. like ummm maybe the fact that we aren't okay with seeing our dad with another woman and it's just weird having her be there for family stuff. like why can't you just be okay with us being there? why does she have to be there too? and the excuse that she would be alone is not valid at all because mommy is home alone too. and then after we said we didn't want her there for christmas eve, he asks if it would be okay if she was there for new years eve....actually more that i think about this, no way. because first of all maeve and maura are sleeping over, so she would sleep over too and i can't even think about that. and then the whole new years kiss, i can't have him there and kiss her. no. no. no. so when he asks again, we will say that we don't want her there and if he would rather spend new years with her, that's fine, we will stay home where we would rather be anyways. the only reason why we hang out with him is because we have to. well i don't, but i can't just leave maeve and maura alone. it sucks so much. and i don't know what it sounds like when i write it all out - but what i write doesn't even really capture how horrible it feels.

gah life. it's 9:30 and i'm so exhausted. i should just get up and get ready to go to sleep.

okay i should be sleeping because it's past 11 and i'm going to wake up at 7 so i can study tomorrow morning for finals. but there is something i need to talk about.

okay so i was stupid and procrastinating finals and i saw King the Kid asking about who to tour with in 2014 so i sent them a spur of the moment email about me being their tour manager. yeah so much for finishing the music book and having a nice planned out email. stupid molly.

but they responded. and asked for more about me and about how my personality is more important than my business qualifications. so once again i was stupid and responded quickly and i gave some stupid response and included all the links to my social media.

and no response and it's been over 24 hours. they responded really quickly last time. so now i'm worried. but i really shouldn't be because i know it's a long shot anyways and probably won't happen. but the fact that there is hope that it could happen is what drives me crazy. like honestly though king the kid, can you just email me and tell me there is no way i could ever be your tour manager because that would be better than waiting in limbo here.

okay now i need to get ready for sleep. one last push tomorrow. lots to do tomorrow morning actually. we will see how that goes.

goodnight!

can i just say i had so much fun at dinner tonight. there were 11 of us but we had to split up. so at my table it was Sarah B, Emma, Michelle, Amelie, Amelie's friend Paulina, and myself. and of course we had a cute waiter. and he was awesome, he said something like "let me get that for you" in a british accent just out of nowhere. and we were just laughing the whole dinner. and then we wrote him a little diagram of who was sitting where and gave him all of our numbers. and we were just dying laughing the whole time. it was just a lot of fun.

my friends are awesome. just saying.

now i could talk about how i want to have someone to flirt with and stuff, i'm not going to. i'm just going to leave it with how awesome my friends are.

and my life is crazy lately but i don't really feel like writing about it. i think i'm going to get ready to go to sleep. but just know you're missing out on a lot.

oh by the way, his name is Benson.

is it bad that I had the chance to go out and just chill at greg's with amelie and michelle and Emily and sarah and emma and I didn't go? or I could have went to joe's and just chilled there. but I didn't do that either. I am just in my bed by myself. and i'm going to either watch this movie That Thing You Do because taylor Mathews posted about it or i'm going to watch tv shows or i'm going to go to sleep. how lame.

but I figure out why I will never be a dancer. because I don't love the pain. I read an article about how everyone wants basically the same things - happiness, a job they love, financial security, love, or what not. but the real thing is that people are willing to do to get that. people are entrepreneurs because they love the pain of putting all their energy and effort into this new idea that may or may not work. and creating something. people who dance love putting all their effort into long nights practicing and working out and building their stamina. people who ride love bundling up the cold and going to the barn everyday and cleaning out the stalls. okay maybe not love - but they enjoy it more than other people and can deal with the pains - so they reap the rewards. for example, people who are fit actually enjoy going to the gym and working out. while everyone wants to be fit, few people actually enjoy and can stick with going to the gym everyday and pushing themselves.

so there are so many things I could be - if I could figure out how to love the pain.

it's all about what you are willing to put up with and endure.

you guys don't even know half of what is going on. crying again.

i just watched What a Girl Wants with Amanda Bynes and while it's a great movie probably not the best choice for me. first of all the main cute guy is a musician so just add on to the fact that i'm lonely and want a musician boyfriend. and I was stupid last night and message jose again on tumblr. and obviously no response. I really need to stop doing that but there is always some hope that he will respond. but with that stunt I don't think i'm going to be asking to be their tour management. which is fine, I need an internship anyways.

but then there was the whole father-daughter thing. and the last scene where the dad tells her he loves her and she says she loves him back made me start crying. so that was fun.

blah. but in other words I also watched The Forger in honor of Josh Hutcherson since he is on SNL tonight and I love him.

umm I really don't have anything to write. I've done nothing today. and it's kind of nice. wish I had someone to do nothing with though. just kidding, take that back. i'm a strong independent woman who don't need no man.

i just watched adventureland and it made me want a boyfriend again. I miss having someone look at you like that. and someone to kiss. and to cuddle with. if I had a boyfriend he could have spent this weekend with me. i'm dog sitting by myself in this lonely house with just the puppy. my boyfriend could have stayed the night and we could have made out and cuddled and watched movies without being worried about someone interrupting us or being bother. gah. I know I shouldn't worry about boys but I am still lonely and wish I could have that physical and mental and emotional connection with someone. but Kozmo the dog is the closest I have to a boyfriend. when I am sitting on the couch a little ways a way from where he is lying he will slowly inch closer and closer until he is lying right next to me. and he always wants to lick my face. and he sleeps right next to me on the bed. that is more physical touch and connection than I have gotten since josh and I broke up, or even when we were still together. what does that say about me? whatever, it is what it is. I am enjoying the alone time with the dog, I never got dressed today, didn't even put a bra on or put my contacts in. went out for several walks like this in my sweats and sweatshirt. and amelie even came over for dinner. i'm awesome.

someone just find me a boyfriend please.

I hate that though, I used to make fun of those people who wanted a boyfriend. now I get it though. i'm sorry if I ever judged you for wanting a boyfriend. I guess this is payback.

too bad Kozmo wasn't a man because then I would be all set. he loves me.

alright now I have to go take care of the pup and then go to sleep. another busy day by myself tomorrow.

hi, it's one am so you're going to get the closet thing you'll ever get to a drunk post. okay maybe you'll get one of those eventually but not now.

this is such a strange world. amazing sometimes. but strange. and you try to figure it out but you really can't. like i'm pretty sure there is a reason why Sydel was put into my life. to give me support and someone who believes in me who is here at babson too. and i hope i am helping her a bit too.

and it's weird who becomes your friends. like today i hung out with mike, roxy, and joe for a while. and roxy and i started talking on facebook and ended up living next to each other and went to china together. and then mike is her boyfriend but he is pretty cool too even if i just know him because of her. and i did not like joe when i first met him. i did not want him in my fme group, when i saw his name i was not happy. but i'm glad that he was in fme and he's my friend. i want to kill him the majority of the time but he isn't a bad guy.

but i really need another guy in my life that i can flirt with because joe is looking more and more like a potential option and i can't do that. like he is nice and a good friend but i can't see myself going out with me. maybe i could but it wouldn't work unless he changed...like stopped with the comments and negativity and yeah...and i can't ask anyone to change for me and i wouldn't expect them to so that isn't going to work.

but it was interesting today when joe had to pick out of 3 other girls and myself as to who he would bring to dinner, after initally trying to pick someone else as a joke, he picked me. and when i seemed happy, they asked if would actually go, and i was like yeah free dinner. then joe was like so molly what are you doing tomorrow night? sort of kidding but he might have been serious. and there were other comments like how he is woking on getting a girlfriend, which is why he was in wgb. then i made a comment about how all the girls that were playing uno with us left. then he gestured to me since i was still there, and i was like yeah no never. but it's kind of nice to think that someone would want to date me. haven't had that since josh, and the fail with adam munska before that. and then i thought maybe adam daniere was interested but that proved not to be true. so i don't know, sometimes you question whether you will ever find someone. i think that i'm not pretty enough, i don't have a personality that anyone would like, i'm too this or not, or not enough something else. but it's nice to think that maybe someone is interested in you, even if you aren't that interested in them. but when they are interested in you, it does make them somewhat more interesting. hey, just saying, but i could do a lot worse than joe.

i might just be saying that because i'm desperate but i don't know.

i guess i'll wait and see how the rest of this year goes or i'll get myself a hot guy from china or spain.

i really should sleep and stop analyzing my love life because i don't have one.

i don't want to sleep, i want to talk more. i have nothing else to talk about without getting depressed and thinking about sucky things. i was going to write yucky there but i wrote sucky instead which is just as accurate.

actually i'll write a list of happy things:
- it was a beautiful day today
- i am warm and cozy in my bed
- i am listening to amazing music by taylor mathews
- i have awesome friends
- i am at an amazing school
- i have the opportunity to travel
- i have traveled
- i love my family even though
- i'm smart
- the internet
- my horse
- this weekend i get to relax at a house by myself with only a puppy
- i have so much promise and potential and the whole future in front of me

that was more things i am grateful for, which is good too because thanksgiving is coming too.

okay i think i'm going to listen to this song and then go to sleep. and then i'm not setting my alarm tomorrow because i've had too many early days in a row. actually it's been 2 weeks that i haven't been able to sleep in and had to get up to an alarm. it's okay, i love it though. i actually like being busy.

sleep, molly, sleep.

i'm back on facebook and twitter for about an hour and i'm already sick of them. i'm scrolling through Taylor and King the Kid and Jose's twitter feeds which is not helping me get any closer to them, i'm seeing that Adam Daniere is on facebook chat and i'm reminded of how he didn't talk to me, i see the message that Josh never responded to. and i see a bunch of stuff on twitter i don't care about. and i see a bunch of pictures on instagram that i don't care about either.

i need to focus on myself and my life and not be worried about other people. like i don't need that in my life. so while i can go on facebook and twitter and insta and all of that, i don't think i'll download the apps quite yet and i'll probably barely go on them anyways. well i'm going to try not to because they are like a drug and i can see that they are bad for me now but i don't want to get sucked in.

i thought i wanted to write a blog but i think i really just want to go to sleep.

but guess what i'm listening to now. Taylor's new album. we were able to hear it early. we have the super secret soundcloud link. and i love it and i can't stop listening to it. and i'm so proud of Taylor. he has come so far. i don't think it really has sunk in yet what this album really means to Taylor and to me and just the whole thing. like to my family too. my mom said she cried when she heard it. ahh. it's crazy what a big part of my life he is now. like it's kind of ridiculous. i don't want to keep thinking about it now though, i'm sure it will really hit me sometime. maybe if i am holding a physical record. or when he comes to our house and all my friends are there. i don't know. but it hasn't really hit yet but i am sure it will.

in other news my one month without social media is up but i don't even know if want to go back. i'm really hesitant. as much as i missed it, i am now getting used to not having it and i like now having it and not worrying about what everyone else is doing. i'm able to focus on me and i think it is a lot better. i might not download the apps and just use it on the computer. or something. i don't know. i guess it's just that i'm not rushing to go back to the social media world. i'm okay without it.

also i'm trying to decide if i want to study abroad for two semesters or just one next year. i know i'm going to go to shanghai for one semester. but then i don't know if i want to go to spain as well. i would go to one in the fall and the other in the spring. but i would be gone for a long time. but it would be an amazing experience. not sure. still thinking about it.

now i want to sleep, i'm tired, and i'm up early tomorrow. okay goodnight.

want to hear my next big idea?!

okay I want to revolutionize the music industry.

i'm reading the book, everything you need to know about the music industry. and it's amazing how little artists get paid. and how much of a struggle it is for them. so they sign onto a record label. they give them an advance and pay for the recording costs. then the record comes out and the artists gets royalties. then the artists first has to pay back the recording company with those royalties for the advance and recording costs. after they are "recouped" then they get to actually pocket some money. but wait out of their own royalties they often have to pay the producer(s) and management. so it seems like everyone else is making money before the artist is. and I don't think that is far at all. I know that is how they do it now but I don't think it has to be that way forever.

just look already, physical sales of CDs are dying. and even digital sales aren't that great - people just illegally download songs, get them off of youtube - or even bigger are online streaming sites, especially Spotify. I can listen to basically any song I want on Spotify for free. and then when I want to listen to music on my phone I use free "radio" apps that play music based on my mood or whatever. I don't buy music. the only reason why I buy music on iTunes or physical copies is because I really want to support the musician. but I'm better off illegally downloading the song and giving the artists my $0.99. They would get more money that way.

which is messed up, I think. I understand that everyone who helps the artist make the music and get the word out should get paid, but not at the expense of the artist. it's like you can only make money if you are super successful or find a really profitable niche market. but that is if you sign onto a huge record label and they make a record and it gets spread around either by radio or more likely social media.

okay so what do I want to do? I want to change this. I have a few ideas. one of those being to give away the music. literally give it away online for free to everyone and anyone. I mean, everyone gets it free anyways. but what we sell and how we make money is "the experience." like VIP sort of stuff. go on tour and having a VIP option. but even more than that. why not have a whole two day experience? come and hang out with the artist for a day. see where they record the music, record a song yourself, a huge dinner party, then an exclusive show afterwards. the next day go to Disneyland, or have a music lesson, or something else. it's not enough to just sell the music anymore, you have to sell the person. sell exclusivity. sell a membership where you get a new exclusive package with a video and merch every month. oooh, I like that idea. every month or two you get a package with a personal video of the artist just talking to you and also with a performance. in addition to that you get a t-shirt one month or a bracelet, or maybe even a sweatshirt sometimes. and then have a discount code or another exclusive offer for them to spend more money. do you realize how much someone would pay for this? especially those crazy fangirls who have a ton a money.

and when it came to figuring out costs and who gets the profits. that would be more complex. but maybe the most basic idea is that the artist and I split it 50-50. I would cover all the expensives up front, then when the profits start coming in, the artists will get 50% but would pay me back 50% of the expenses before taking his or her share. of course it would vary and be different for every situation, but that is sort of what i'm looking at instead of 15% royalty or whatever.

so how am I going to do this? i'm going to intern at a huge music company to see how they do it. and i'm going to see how I can work in that system and how I can completely disrupt it and change it. and i'm going to try to tour with a band and see how the whole touring life works. and i'm going to just learn all I can now so I can mess up the whole music industry.

sounds good.

oh by the way I have a revelation the other day about the quote "You can have everything you want in life if you will just help enough other people get what they want." It has nothing to do with being a good selfless person. well I guess it could. but the point is that if you want to sell anything and make money, then give people what they want. they will pay for what they want. so if you give them what they want then they will pay you for it and you will be able to get everything you want. and it's funny because people take it out of context and make it sound all profound. but really it's a marketing concept. and even after finding that out, I still love the idea and it will lead me in my future and such. okay yeah I have things to do now.

but just wait i'm going to do big things. hopefully. how many times in this have I had big ideas that I said I was going to do but never did? well I did say I was going to meet Taylor Mathews and did. said I was going to go to college, and here I am. and travel to China and I did that twice. and this blog is pretty cool when you think about it. I have my entire first relationship documented. I have my search for college and my first years at college. I have my high school career. I have the divorce and still going through that. I have my search for horses. I have friend drama. I have everything here. and that's amazing really.

so I really haven't been telling you what has been going on.

okay first two weekends ago I think it was when I came home, daddy was filming a commercial for yankee home and that's when I first met his girlfriend. I had to go to the office to bring the dog there or whatever and then she came and I met her there and it was kind of awkward but it was whatever. she was nice and all. but it was strange meeting her for the first time without daddy or my sisters there and yeah I don't know. but when I was driving home I just broke home and started crying. just the whole thing hasn't really sunk in I guess and i'm not okay with it. just that he has a girlfriend and our parents are still together.

I know it's been a year but really that is no time at all compared to the 18 years before when they were together. I had no idea this was going on before I got that horrible phone call. and then there was that horrible thanksgiving break last year and Christmas break was horrible too with of that. then I was at school. then over the summer I was working at camp and then it was just like go to the lake or go home and there was no girlfriend. and it was very separate and you didn't really have to deal with the fact that they weren't together. it was just you saw mommy at home and you saw daddy at the lake. and while it was still hard and some parts were a lot harder than others, we dealt with it mostly by not thinking about it.

but then this whole girlfriend thing happened so quickly. like he told Maeve and Maura about it only a few weeks before they met her. they met her the day before I did apparently and they never told me which also made me upset. but then apparently she is always around now. like they went zip lining with her and her daughter and son - which I also was never told about. and apparently she is at the lake a lot.

but anyways let me continue my story. so the day after the filming I went over to the lake to see daddy and he didn't tell me that she was going to be there and she was. it was fine though. we just talked for a bit then I went back to school.

then I didn't really hear about anything until one day when Maeve randomly texted me initially just saying that she loved me and missed me. then later how she was so stressed out and having a hard time. she didn't tell me anything then. but then a few days later she texts me saying "I need you" and when I finally got her on the phone she was just balling and crying. and how she feels like no one cares. how Maura is distant and mommy is still upset sometimes and how Maeve gets stuck in the middle of mommy and daddy, like when daddy didn't pick Maura up or something. and how now the girlfriend is always around. and even when she isn't she feels like her dad isn't there and he is on the phone or whatever. and then when maeve asked if she could go to the barn or something, he gave her a hard time, and about how it is so expensive and he told her how he doesn't have any money in his bank account. and him and his girlfriend are always talking about how her daughter is awesome and everything.

and there are a few problems with this. daddy and mommy and still married. so daddy shouldn't be having his girlfriend everywhere. like okay we met her, but now she doesn't have to be everywhere. we aren't ready for that. especially when it is still hard for all of us to deal with. and he shouldn't be telling maeve about how he doesn't have any money because she shouldn't have to worry about that and he shouldn't put that on her. and he doesn't need to be talking about how awesome his girlfriend's daughter is when he doesn't even pay attention to his own daughters. and he shouldn't be giving maeve a hard time about riding when that it the one thing that makes her happy.

but it was horrible hearing maeve crying on the phone and I was crying and it was awful. and that was the day before her birthday. so that is why I decided to surprise her. and she told me that earlier that morning on her birthday apparently for English class they had one-on-one talks with their teacher out in the hallway. and when her teacher asked her how she was doing, maeve was like ehh not great, and her teacher said something nice, and maeve just started crying. like here is this 17 year old girl on her birthday crying because of this whole stupid family thing.

so I am glad I came for her birthday. and then that also made me decide to come home.

daddy had gotten me tickets to see Kate Nash for my birthday (before the girlfriend existed to us). so that was on Friday. and of course the girlfriend came too. so maeve, Maura, daddy, and the girlfriend drove up and got me. and we got dinner at Minados. which daddy had brought me to at the beginning of last year. and it was okay. the conversation was really the girlfriend talking for most of it. and I did not like seeing her feed him and talking about how he needs to try new things. and acting like that you know. not like they were lovely dovey but just acting like a couple I guess. but dinner was fine whatever. the concert wasn't that great. we didn't even end up standing next to them which was whatever, probably for the better. then we drove home and I couldn't fall asleep whatever. but then daddy got tired and I don't know if he said something or whatever. and maeve was really concerned and was like "do you want one of us to drive?" and the girlfriend was like yeah we could drive or whatever she said and daddy was like no, so she was like it's okay i'll keep him awake. so she was talking to him and he wasn't really responding so it was a one way conversation of just hearing her talking. and then he almost hit a car and probably would have if maeve hadn't said anything. but he still wouldn't let anyone else drive. and I don't know what it was - listening to her talk. and just daddy being like on his best behavior or not acting like himself, and the whole situation, I just started crying. and maeve realized it and she gave me her headphones and phone to listen to music so I didn't have to listen to her. thank god. and we had been holding hands the whole ride but she held my hand again. and I was just crying and crying. silently of course so I don't think anyone else heard. but I was just horrible. like I am about to cry again now writing about it.

I mean she is a good person and all but I just can't handle it. i'm not ready. I had too much. I was exhausted. I couldn't do it anymore. I don't know how maeve and Maura do it. oh right, maeve breaks down in school, Maura distances herself and focuses on her friends. it's just so bad. and I don't think daddy even sees how hurt we are. he is so selfish, he wants his girlfriend to be there for everything now that we met her and doesn't see that we would rather just spend time with him.

and oh I forgot to mention how at minados there was the waiter we had last time that apparently my dad knew from coming before and made me take a picture with him. this was at the beginning of the last school year before the whole separation/divorce thing. but I found out yesterday that he took that picture and sent it to his now-girlfriend. like what the hell. he was still with my mom. but apparently him and his girlfriend knew each other for more than a year before the break-up happened. and he told us how nothing was going on and he "cheated" in my mom's eyes but never really did anything. and how stuff happened before maybe but not now. BUT NOT REALLY BECAUSE HE WAS TAKING FUCKING PICTURES OF ME TO SEND TO THIS WOMAN WHO WAS NOT MY MOM AND NOW I'M CRYING AND I CAN'T HANDLE IT.

tomorrow i'm going to go back to school and i'm going to forget about it until Maeve sends me a text about what is going on or until i'm back for thanksgiving and apparently he has us for thanksgiving and i'm sure she is going to be there. and I don't know if I can do that. I just want to be with mommy at my house for thanksgiving. because i'm not thankful for this situation that made my sisters and me so hurt and upset.

I just need to go to sleep. and cry some more.

i'm exhausted.

i went to class from 8 to 12:15. then I met with my professor. then I drove home 2 hours to surprise Maeve for her birthday. I decided last night to go home because Maeve texted me saying "I need you" then she called me crying. so I needed to be home.

but then I stayed home for 4 hours. then drove back 2 hours. dog-sat the puppy. then came back and did some homework, watched some videos, now I need to sleep.

i'll tell more about my life later and all. but now sleep.

hi. I don't know what i'm doing. with life. with anything. like this is so weird.

I spent over 4 hours watching tv on my laptop today. I also cooked dinner. and applied for internships.

it's so strange. i'm like in 6 months I could be getting ready to go to an internship in LA, or in Boston, or I will be going back home. I have no idea. all I can do it wait though and find out.

and then I have to figure out my whole schedule and when and where i'm studying abroad and what internships to apply to and I have to decide how to spend my time and what to do.

and like i'm just exhausted. i'm so tired. and I haven't even done anything. i'm 19 yet i'm so young. I have barely even done anything. yet I've been preparing I guess.

I want to revolutionize the music industry. I want to have some big old record company that does it completely different. okay so not old...some big new record company. just change how they do it. I've been reading this book called All You Need to Know About the Music Business and it baffles my mind about how little artists get. record labels are only looking out for themselves. like isn't there a way to do the whole music thing that is fair for everyone involved? without negotiating and arguing over huge contracts and such? I don't know. I hope so. I hope I can come up with some sort of business where I help artists make a living making music and sharing that music.

until then i'm going to go to class and do the whole college thing. and learn what I can about the current music industry. and try to get an internship. and try to figure out life.

tomorrow i'm going to a babson-asia conference thing. we will see how that goes. okay now I really need to sleep, i'm up early tomorrow and I need as much sleep as I can get.

so i had an interesting weekend and i'm not sure i want to talk about it right now because i'm really tired. but i met my dad's girlfriend first of all.

and yeah i don't feel like talking about it. i'm going to sleep.

i went and saw AJR today! and they remembered me. and Adam said he read my email and it's a good idea and he has some suggestions he is going to send me. and they are so good live. and they are so awkward. but i love them so much. and Adam is the best and nicest and talks to me. the other two are kind of lame - just kidding! not really.

but i went with Roxy and she saw how happy i was in this environment. she was like "you're happy" and i was like yeahhhh...and she was saying how i found my passion and everything. and it kind of made me realize that i did, sort of. like i love music and would absolutely love a career in music, but i feel like so many people love music too.

wait, molly, how many concerts have you seen compared to the average person? and how many tickets do you have to upcoming concerts...4 tickets to 4 different concerts already bought. yeah i guess i really like live music and the music industry and stuff.

i would love it so much if i was involved in the music industry as a job. as a band manager or an entrepreneur creating something related to music. i want to tour with a band or artist at least once in my life. and yeah. i love concerts. they make me happy.

hi so i'm not special. i thought those emails from Zuri were special but really everyone who is part of the "honor roll" so i'm not special at all. whatever. i'm going to try to be king the kid's manager. working on that.

but the shaytards are having their fifth baby and i'm super excited! i can't check twitter to see so i told both maeve and my mom to keep me updated! yayyy!

and i'm going to see AJR and Fifth Harmony today and it should be good! can't wait! and all my MCE midterms are done and i just did awesome on the finance exam, or at least i really hope/think i did. yayyyy! and i'm going home tomorrow morning! yayyy!

i don't want to go to sleep yet but i don't want to watch any more youtube videos and without social media i have nothing to do. i'm just listening to Hunter Hayes's song and then i'm going to go to sleep. i'm going to get sick of this song i'm listening to it so much but i love it.

i would love to have a boyfriend or just someone to flirt with and just have fun hanging out with. but i don't know if i really want a boyfriend now you know? or maybe i'm just saying that because i haven't found anyone. if it's the right person then of course. but i like being available for my band boys. umm Jose, Ricky still single and very much the right age.

i was stupid and sent some stupid messages to Jose on facebook/tumblr but i'm hoping he will forget about them or when i meet him he won't remember. also it's going to be awkward seeing Adam on Friday after i sent him all my business stuff and he hasn't read it and given me his response yet. he had emailed me saying he was busy. but now i'm thinking it wasn't the best idea to email him. i don't know. we will see. i still have to figure out who is coming with me to that concert. i have to get through midterms first. got one tomorrow at 8:30am, then another wednesday, then another friday. then i might have a double horse show weekend or maybe not, depending on if Babson can get it's shit together and give us a check within the next two days or not. we will see!

okay i should get ready to sleep now so i can be fully rested for my exam. who knows maybe i'll meet the man of my dreams tomorrow. ha funny. maybe i already met him...that's more interesting especially if he is a musician. if not, not as interesting.

just kidding! i'll love my future boyfriend/husband even if he isn't a musician!

(maybe)

every time i watch king the kid videos i love them even more. but it's a weird sort of love. almost like i'm distanced from them and i wouldn't fit in yet i want to so badly. like i would create a business just so i could be best friends with them. it's almost like torture watching their videos i want to be friends with them and hang out with them so badly.

the new song i'm addicted to is I Want Crazy by Hunter Hayes and i'm typically not a country person. but this is so catchy and i love when it comes on the radio.

in other not so good news, my roommate is cutting herself. she broke up with her boyfriend (which i think was the right decision) and has been depressed and this is what she has turned to. she hasn't even slept in the room the past three nights and i don't know who's room she has been staying in. i don't know her that well, we aren't really friends, we get along and everything, but we don't hang out or do anything outside of talking to each other when we are in the dorm. but we have one good mutual friend who i have been talking with, Emma. and Emma is so strong. she is going through shit in her life too and she is still there for Ah Young and figuring everything out. I look up to Emma immensely. i am trying to help her as much as i can but i feel like i'm not doing enough. like last night i hear Ah Young come back around 2am but i fell back asleep and then i hear her doing something at her desk or with the trash but i was so tired and just went back to sleep, i never really woke up completely. but i wake up and there are bloody tissues in the trash can so she was obviously cutting when i heard her. then i saw the cuts on her arm. it's so messed up though, Emma was having a breakdown in the common room and cried for like 30 seconds and Ah Young came in and gave her a hug and once Ah Young left Emma looked at me and was like "did you see anything?" and of course i looked when she hugged Emma and sure enough there were cuts. but the thing was that even though Ah Young was trying to comfort Emma, we were both thinking about seeing if she hurt herself. Emma couldn't even be sad for that long because she is worrying about so many other people than herself. she is amazing. i just really want to take some of the pressure off of her and help her. and i want to help Ah Young so she is better too. i don't know, it's horrible, and i don't know what to do. i'm not good with this stuff.

hi. so Taylor's manager, Zuri, just emailed me the rough draft of an email Taylor wrote. i was BCCed and there was nothing else with it. i don't know what to think. but i'm excited. like i know we are close with them but i haven't really been involved in a lot of management stuff. and this is the first time! and Zuri emailed me directly, not through my mom, and she did that without me asking if i could see it. and ahhh that's so exciting. i don't know if i'm supposed to respond or do what. i might just wait and see if i get another email explaining more. if not, in the morning i might email her. i just feel so important. i had no idea that watching Taylor on America's Got Talent all those years ago would lead me to being this involved in his career and all. ahh exciting. i wanted to find the original email when my emailed my mom about his 1st kickstarter. but i couldn't find it, but i'm going to look in old blog posts.

omg, in June 2011, so almost two and a half years ago i first saw him on AGT and added him to my list of people to meet...and now yayyy.

people think i'm obsessed with him or talk about him too much, like literally my friends roll their eyes when i mention him. but he is just a really big part of my life, which is kind of strange, i know. but somehow he managed to get my family and i invested. like we couldn't back out now even if we wanted to. i'm taking a break from social media yet Taylor is a part of my daily life. like it blows my mind, i can barely fathom it.

it makes me happy.

and it also gets me thinking. like if i run this whole "Honor Club" thingy which is what the email was about and stuff. and essentially it's really similar to Fannattic. So if can run this for Taylor successfully, i can just cut out the whole one website thingy and do this for different bands and such. basically run a "street team" for them and do a type of management. and maybe eventually i'm manage different bands and artists and maybe then i'll have my own management company or even a record label or something. i don't know. dreaming big here. but it's exciting.

and now i'm going to go to sleep because tomorrow i have a full day of studying for my microeconomics exam that i have on monday which i need to study for a lot.

anyways, yeah (: night!

hi, i just wanted to give you a quick update before i go to sleep. let me just see where i left off last time i talked to you if this other tab will ever load.

okay so you actually know more than i thought.

umm, i didn't meet the father's girlfriend yet, but he will probably bring her up here at some point. he says how she doesn't want it to be an arranged meeting but he is doing pretty much all he can without arranging a meeting to have us meet. which is fine. i mean i'll be dating again eventually too so that will be fun.

anyways. i quit social media for a month. meaning not going on facebook, twitter, instagram, tumblr, and snapchat. i can still do youtube and this obviously. but i was just too addicted and it wasn't good for me to be worrying all about what everyone else was doing. like i need to focus on myself and the people around me. i'll see if i go back in a month or not. i'll probably just go back to my old addictive ways.

but i told josh i was quitting facebook so if he wanted to talk to me then he could text me. i haven't heard from him yet. i really just want to cut all this polite small talk about of the way and be like "so what are you thinking about us? where are you at? like do you ever want to talk to me again or do you hate my guts?" i'll probably give him this month as a break but i'll see after this month if i want to talk to him again or not. i don't know, right now i do but maybe that's just because i'm feeling lonely and missing him. maybe if i meet some new people i won't want to talk to him as much. maybe he has met someone and doesn't want to talk to me. i don't know.

other stuff. i want to talk about the use of this word "home" because right now it's confusing because when i'm at school it usually refers to back in Westhampton. but when i was home both Maeve and my mom referred to school as my home. which i just went along with and realized a couple seconds later what they said. so it's like this conflicting part of my life where i have to pack to go "home" and when i'm "home" then school is called my "home." so where is home? or do i have two homes?

okay now i really should sleep. 8am class tomorrow.

okay so this weekend has already been kind of crazy and strange.

Dolly has been perfect. I rode her outside on Friday and yesterday I set up a whole little complicated jump course and she was awesome.

umm Friday I was at the lake house and had my dad talking about his girlfriend and if we want to meet her. so we might be meeting her today. but still really strange.

and then yesterday we went geocaching with our uncle Chris. now Chris is my mom's brother who sort of removed himself from the family. like I haven't seen him since I was little. I'm not sure what happened but I don't blame him, our family can be somewhat...judgmental and loud and opinionated and such, but they do it all from love. and I really can't say anything because I don't know what the circumstances were. but basically after grampa died he has been mainly in contact with my mom. and he wanted to see us so we went and did some geocaches. and it was fine, he was just like our uncle. he fit right into the whole Gentes family and it wasn't really awkward at all. not sure what he thought of us, but I think it was good.

oh and then we went to Sheldon's to get ice cream and Nicole was working there. so that was so awkward. I felt bad. I didn't really say anything to her, just like Hi, how are you. Then I got out of there as soon as possible. I haven't seen her at all since we broke up. so that was really awkward.

but josh is talking to me on facebook. just sort of catching up on school and life I guess. it's like we have to feel each other out to see where we are at. I would love to get back to the point where we are friends and can just talk about anything. but that is going to take time if we ever even get there. I don't really know what he thinks of me and such. it's been 6 months since we broke up though. I think I've had enough time to sort of come to piece with it. But I still freaking miss him. And I miss having someone to hold me and kiss me and just having that connection with someone. I've been missing that more lately. I know that waiting will be worth it once I find the right person. But it's the waiting part that sucks. Not saying that I would date Josh again, because as much as I miss it, it wouldn't suddenly work better this time. But maybe I will get one friend back since I already lost so many.

so basically my life is at the point where I get to deal with my dad having a girlfriend, I can't go to any ice cream place, and i'm trying to figure out how to be friends with my ex. all while doing the whole school thing and riding team thing and working as an FME mentor and now working to take care of my professor's dog (that will be awesome)

oh and I missed the Taylor Mathews's listening party which was last night in LA. sad I missed that but at the same time it's okay. and i'm not going to be driving to NJ to see him for a day, also kind of sad. if it was closer I would but it isn't work driving 8 hours with a chance that they will change their minds and not want to hang out with me. plus I have midterms that week. so anyways I guess I will see him in February for our house show and all.

opps, realized I never actually Published this. I think i'm done with everything anyways.

i'm home for the weekend and i'm so happy to be home. I had an amazing ride on dolly earlier today. but now i'm sitting downstairs by myself because Maura's asleep and mommy went to pick up maeve from an event with her riding team.

and I find myself really missing josh and abby. I should have just stopped my thoughts from going there. but I miss them. so I sent josh a message on facebook, not sure if that was the best idea. I may regret it later. but I was the one who had pushed him away so if we are ever going to talk again I need to try first. and then it's up to him if he wants to talk to me or if he's completely over me and doesn't want to ever talk to me again. but I guess I have to try.

ahh. what else. I need to write in you more because you really are a way for me to reflect and get all my thoughts together.

there's this cute exchange student at babson from Australia and he is just really attractive and a senior. and he looks like a contest on the X Factor, Al Calderon, he was just eliminated but he is really cute too. just saying.

I am trying to figure out how to make my idea a reality. the hardest part is finding someone to make the website. I knew it wasn't going to be easy and i'm just going to have to make sure I don't give up and it will happen eventually, even if it takes years.

I might end up meeting my dad's girlfriend this weekend. still not really sure how I feel about that. I know it's been a year since my dad moved out. but it is still isn't good yet. maybe because i'm away I haven't been forced to get used to it like my sisters. or maybe they aren't good either. but I feel like crying just thinking about it. so new topic please.

ummm. I don't want to talk about sad things. there are happy things too. but i'm in a melancholy mood. maybe because it's late and dark and i'm listening to bedtime acoustic music. I would probably be sleeping now if I wasn't waiting up for maeve and my mom. i'm probably going to wait up for them and as soon as they get home they will just go to bed and then i'll be like, what did I wait up for? i'll give them until 11:30.

I just hope my allergies stay in check while i'm home. now that we have the 4 cats it's double the catness that I have to deal with...ha catness Katniss, i'm funny. I didn't even mean to.

anyways can Josh just message me back so I don't have to keep holding my breath waiting.

i just watched a 30 minute youtube documentary about a couple who got engaged and married on the same day. it was just so sweet and special and makes me believe in love again. and it was a very well put together video. but i just hope they stay together. and i hope i can find a love like that.

in other words i'm working on my website idea. i skyped with Taylor yesterday and he seems genuinely interested and excited. and Adam from AJR said I could email him and he would help me out. i don't know. this is just such an exciting idea. and i get all excited and happy and i love working on it and i can't wait to see it all come together. i really hope it all comes together. it will. i will make it happen. i'm already making big moves, i'm contacting people who could potentially help me and just putting myself out there. that's what it is all about. ahh, goodness. this is what i was meant to do - entrepreneurship.

and now two quotes for you:

"She drank from a bottle called DRINK ME
And she grew so tall,
She ate from a plate called TASTE ME
And down she shrank so small.
And so she changed, while other folks
Never tried nothin' at all." - Shel Silverstein

"The ones who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones that do"

frustrated because i thought i was supposed to video chat with Taylor today but i texted him and no response. so now i am thinking he really meant a week from today. in that case i feel stupid. and now i'm just wondering what he is doing where he can't text me back, probably fucking some girl because he just got back to LA. whatever. but it's like all these nerves and anxiety for the past hour and a half for no reason. and i'm going to have to go through that again when we actually video chat. it's like what the hell. i don't know, maybe it's my fault for not clarifying what Tuesday because "next Tuesday" could mean the Tuesday that is coming up in 5 days or it could be the one after that one. i don't know. fuck. and i hate that i care and that this is making me upset. i don't want some guy living in LA who doesn't give a shit about me to control my emotions. like fuck off dude.

sorry for all the swearing and such. i'm just tired and it's been a really long day. like i just got back to my dorm room to sit down at 8:30, then i go and take a shower and sit waiting for Taylor. like i haven't been able to relax. it's been go go go. and then i have another day full of stuff. and i was all excited because i thought i was going to see Lorde with Maeve on Thursday but now we aren't and i'm just bummed out.

and Lily asked if I still talk to Josh and I said i didn't and that made me feel shitty too. maybe i'll message him too so i won't know if my anxiety is from waiting for Taylor to respond or waiting for Josh. sounds like a great plan, have two guys fucking with my mind instead of just one. two guys who i will never even date again but i care about way too fucking much.

okay so guess who just called me like right now? Taylor. his phone was dead. and he has no internet at the house. and he thought it was Wednesday. so he offered to talk on the phone but i said i would rather do video chat and it's almost 11 now anyways. so we are trying tomorrow at the same time.

i don't even know what i think. it's always like this with Taylor. like the second you write him off he comes back in trying to save the day. like actually that's so true. soooooooo i think i am going to sleep now and try to forget about this. and we will go through this again tomorrow. but it is pretty cool seeing Taylor Mathews's name under recent calls. just saying.

tomorrow is going to be fun. just like today was so much fun (it really wasn't).

hi. so my life has been kind of fun lately.

so my sisters and i had entered into a 30 second video contest through a radio station we listen to. and we won! woo! sure there was only one other entry, but we won. so we got two tickets to the iTV Fest, a limo there, and our video showed at the award's gala.

okay so that didn't really happen. we got two tickets but Maeve or Maura couldn't come with me because they had to be over 18. so i went with Emma, which was just as well. and the limo was actually a town car, not an actual limo. and they didn't show our video at the award's gala. it's okay though, Emma and I enjoyed ourselves and it just got me thinking about what we could do with film, you know? it was pretty cool.

but this Babson Equestrian Team is in full swing. i was there last monday, friday, saturday, sunday, and i'll be there tomorrow and tuesday. woot woot. and out of all those days i rode twice. but even though it's a lot of work i'm excited. like it's actually starting to come together. so we will see how it works.

what else? oh right i'm supposed to video chat with Taylor on Tuesday so i can talk about my business. and i'm nervous. i talked to my professor about it, which was nervous enough, but if he said it was a bad idea there was a pretty high chance that i was going to do it anyways. plus i knew he would just tell me to go for it. (which he did and he seemed to like it) but if Taylor doesn't like it then basically there goes the whole idea because i'm pretty much relying on him. if he doesn't do it then i don't have that kind of connection to any other musician really to get them on board without much proof. if i have Taylor then i will be able to show his situations and stuff to other people. ahh. i really want it to work out. i am sure Taylor will be nice but being nice is different from actually doing it and such. and then i have to get a website. i better get cracking on that too. ahh, should i figure out what i'm going to say to Taylor or just wing it?! i don't knowwww. omg. and do i go to the library to talk to him or stay in my room?! i don't know. hyperventilating and it's in two days. i'm going to be a mess. and it's not until 9:30pm so it's going to be like a whole day of waiting.

and it's 9 now and i'm exhausted. i'm going to be falling asleep while talking to Taylor Mathews. what is my life coming to.

umm i feel like i don't really have anything else to say. and i feel like i should go do something productive. i just remembered homework that i have to do but now i'm too tired to do anything. i'll do it tomorrow after the barn. and i'm going to run tomorrow. even though i'm already so freaking sore from my riding lessons.

i think i'll plan out what i'm going to say to Taylor a bit and then think about video ideas. sounds like a grand idea. i think i need two laptops for this.

hi. so i'm sick. just a cold but it sucks. so i'm in my room doing nothing. i tried to hang out with friends but that failed. so i had microwaveable mac and cheese and granola bars. and now i'm hungry and tired and i feel lonely. but i'm watching a king the kid livestream. but i should just sleep and be a lame-o while the rest of babson is out partying. but instead i'm being a lame-o and watching three attractive men on the livestream.

gosh i wish i could friend with them. oh i am actually really really tired. i don't think i can watch these three attractive men anymore.

being sick isn't fun. and college sometimes sucks. this is when i need more friends so when my friends are busy or don't want to hang i have other friends who will keep me company while i'm sick.

whatever. okay. i am not making sense. it's 10pm and i need sleep so badly.

okay so strange coincident. a while ago i found out about this band called lady danville on facebook and they were really small. but i liked them and their songs. and one song they had on facebook but not on itunes, spoons, was my favorite. so i told them that and they literally emailed it to me. which was awesome. but anyways then they weren't a band anymore.

fast forward a few years to now. and i am listening to this app called songza and this song comes on by hunter hunted and i like it so i look up hunter hunted and it's two of the guys who were in lady danville. like what are the odds. but no wonder i liked their song.

random. but now i am hungry and sitting in my dorm room but i have no one to go and eat with so i don't know what i'm going to do. i could just go and drive and get some food. but it's not fun by myself. and i don't have anyone to go with. life man.

i just watched the x factor and like it made me remember how there are so many amazing people out there that I haven't met. or that I have met but I haven't realized how amazing they are. like how many people at babson would I just love if I got to know them. and how depressing is it that I won't get to know most of them. like i'm not very charismatic, i'm not good at talking to people and making friends. I have a personality that not everyone likes or gets along with. which is fine. but I think there are some people out there who would like me and I don't want to miss out on them. I guess I just have to trust that everyone is put into my life for a reason and they come at the right time so I just have to go along with it and see who comes.

in other words i'm working on that business. like right now it's just a bunch of words on paper and I've told like 5 people. but I am planning on talking to my FME professor from last year. and I have to find someone to help me develop the website. but i'm doing something.

now I am going to sleep. i'm tired. not sure if watching that was the best idea but I didn't want to go to sleep early because I would feel bad because my roommate is still up late doing homework and I already finished all of mine. I just have easier classes this semester, next semester is going to be hell.

oh and in other news I just found out that Abby defriended me from facebook. so any doubt I had or idea that maybe I should reach out to her and that maybe she wants to still be friends, is gone. and Josh is always on facebook chat nowadays when he never used to be. I hope he is like talking to a girl or something. which also puts a twange in my heart since I don't have anyone even interested. like I have a few friends who are guys but it would never work with them. blah whatever, I need to focus on school and on this potential business as well.

okay sleep.

okay so i really haven't posted here in a long time. i have like a half an hour before class so i am going to start explaining stuff. a lot has happened. let me see the last point you were caught up to.

okay so we went to NYC and as soon as we got there AJR was already on. Adam saw us and smiled. but then they got kicked off of stage before they could sing their last song. so we were upset and we felt bad for them. and as they were passing by we said hi, because we were up front. but then my mom texted us and said that AJR was leaving so we went back to say hi to them, they were waiting for us. and they were really nice but it was kind of awkward because they are awkward and we are awkward so that was fun. but i really did like seeing them. we are still just fans to them, but hopefully we will see them more and be able to hang out with them eventually. then we saw the rest of the show up on the balcony which was fine since we had already watched it the other night.

then after the show we went outside and we were just sort of waiting, not really sure for what. i was tired and in a bad mood. but i'm glad we stayed because then King the Kid did an acoustic show on top of their van. and it was so good and i love them. and then we were able to talk to them each individually. and aww i love them so much. they are great musicians. like Jose is perfect and may be my favorite now. but Ricky is still up there, he forgot to give me a drum stick, and he felt bad because he promised so he went to get one but everything was packed and he couldn't reach it so he took my address and said he would mail me one. we will see if i actually get that. if i do, i'll probably be a Ricky Ficarelli fan for the rest of my life. but i love them and miss them and i wish i was more than a fan to them, but they don't know me. they know me less than AJR does. but KTK guys, they are perfect.

okay so the next day was Sunday and we got tickets to go see Cinderella. Cinderella was great, it was cute and they had amazing dresses. but then after the show, Maeve went down to the bathroom, and we were waiting and Mommy got a text from Julie saying to call her - and you already know how i hate those texts so much. they are terrifying. the worse thing in the world. so we were waiting there while my mom went outside to call Julie. and i'm thinking the worse. and the worse was true. when Maeve came up from the bathroom she didn't see Maura and I so she saw my mom first, so she came back to us and said she saw Mommy crying. and my heart just sunk. seeing your mom on the phone crying is not what you want to see. so we were talking through NYC without talking, my mom hadn't told us what happened yet. then she pulled us aside and was crying and told us grampa died. and we just all start crying right there in NYC and people are just walking by but we don't care and no one cares about us. so then we manage to stop crying enough to walk back to the hotel. we were going to go out to dinner but instead we just drive home. and we are just all messes. and it is so awful. i don't cry again until i get into my bed that night where i just break down crying.

my family doesn't need this. we are already going through a divorce. my gramma just passed away a few months ago. and now my grampa. and my mom has it the worse. she has to deal with work where she works with her soon to be ex-husband, she has to deal with him and the pain she must feel having to deal with that, then her dad dies. she is the strongest woman i know.

but then monday was maura's birthday which wasn't that great. my mom was over at my grampa's house taking care of things all day. so maeve and maura went out and bought frosting and maura made brownies. and then we watched the Princess Diaries all day. so it wasn't the best birthday.

and then this was the last week before i went to college but i spent it going to the wake and funeral. which i was glad to see my family, we were able to spend time with Sean who is so awesome. and see our other cousins, who i also love. but it is in just such horrible conditions. we were back in that funeral home way too soon. but that whole week my mom was over at grampa's house cleaning it out so i barely even saw her. it just went by so quickly and with a lot of tears. we didn't cry at the wake but the funeral was horrible, especially seeing my mom so upset. and then having to deal with the whole issue of my dad being there but not really being part of the family so we had to worry about that. and blahhhhh. i hated it. none of my friends even know my grampa passed away because i didn't tell them.

um what else. i have ten minutes before i have to leave for class. then i packed up everything and came here to babson. i was going to drive my car but it broke down the day before. so i drove up with my mom which was fine because i was able to spend the two hours with her instead of in a car by myself. and she started crying when she dropped me off. and i miss them and feel like i should be home because it is still hard for my sisters to deal with the divorcing parents and i feel like i should be there for them. but instead i'm here. and i feel bad because i love it here while they are home hating high school.

but babson is great. it's different this year because you see a bunch of people you know and everyone is like "Hi! How are you?! How was your summer!?" and there are some people who i saw all the time who i haven't even seen yet. but i am still friends with all my friends, i just don't live with the same ones. now I'm in WGB which is amazing because i just hang out and talk to people all the time. Yesterday, Amelie, Sarah (who i just met) and I just hung out and talked and went around to see everyone's dorm rooms. and it just such a good environment there. and i'm just get used to Babson and getting more comfortable. it sort of sucks that my dorm is so far away, but instead i spend a lot of time in the library in between classes and such. which is where i am now. then after this class I'm working out with Amelie and Michelle (another new friend!) and then i'm going out i believe because they all want me to come and i'll see how it is. still not drinking but i'll try to have fun and make friends and all.

and that's the general stuff. there is a lot more, like how i'm going to be an FME mentor and all my classes and such. but that's the basic stuff i guess. i'm forgetting a  lot i'm sure. but i guess i'll get ready for class now. i'm sure i'll have time to write more eventually.

i just want to marry a musician and go on tour with them.

okay that's a lie. while i would love to do that, that's not all i want to do. i also want to have my own business. which would be hard to run while on tour. if anyone could do it, i could do it though.

i haven't taken a break from social media yet but it's still coming.

and i still have to update you on everything that happened. but i'm tired. so i will sleep.

p.s. it's maura's birthday.

like sometimes life just hits you.

like when your grampa dies while you are in the middle of new york city in times square.

and while you are driving home the VMAs are on and all everyone is talking about on twitter are these celebrities and your family is just breaking apart a little bit more.

like i'm freaking done with the whole internet and celebrity thing. i'm done lusting, yearning, whatever the correct word is, over celebrities who i'll always just be a fan to.

i'm taking a break from social media.

now i'm going to curl up in my bed and cry and sleep. i'll talk about this more tomorrow i'm sure.

New youtube favorite.

decided to look and see if i had blogged about Ricky before and YES!

Friday April 22, 2011

New youtube favorite.

Ricky Ficarelli. He's an amazing drum player. And his drum set lights up. I would love to be able to do something like that. Ah he's so good. I wish I could go see him and the other youtube stars at Digitour but they aren't coming anywhere near me, unless I wanted to go to New York on a Sunday night, which I don't really. But he's good.

I'm not sure if I mention him any other time but I don't have time to look now, I have to sleep. Another big concert day tomorrow! Woo! But look at me, more than two years later and I'm off seeing Ricky, ahh love life.

hi. okay so adam never messaged me back on facebook so that's over with. at least i know. i could have sworn he was interested in person though. whatever. i will probably never see him again.

umm i've gone to three concerts the past three nights. bridgit mendler at six flags - where i went on scream and bizarro, which is crazy because i used to never go on any roller coasters and i just went on the biggest ones and yeah that's pretty awesome for me. proud of myself. i'm getting brave and growing up.

second one was megan and liz who are so cute and that concert had so much energy and everyone was so excited. and one girl brought these signs that said "We love you guys to pluto and back" which she handed out to the front row and they all put them up during a certain part of the song and it was so perfect and cute. i loved it. and their merch guy was also cute but i didn't talk to him, my sisters thought it would be creepy if i asked for a picture so we didn't do that.

then okay here is where it gets a bit confusing. Maeve had bought tickets for me and her to go see Alex Goot, Sam Tsui, Kurt Schnieder, and King the Kid in CT! ahhh King the Kid - love them. but anyways then after that AJR announced that they were opening for this tour in NYC, which was the weekend after the CT show. now NYC was sold out but since we have this really strange love for AJR, my mom bought outrageously priced tickets to go see AJR. have i explained who AJR is before? let me check...okay yeah you are caught up actually on the AJR front i believe. okay but we were going to sell our CT tickets because we didn't need to go to two shows, but they never sold so Maeve and I went anyways. and ahhh.

as soon as we got there we saw King the Kid and gave them hugs and got pictures. and they are so sweet and cute and i love them. omg. like i keep looking at that picture of us and i just want to scoop them up and bring them home with him. they are so perfect. but after that we waited in line and met some friends, yay! then we got in and i went to get some food and was chatting with the guy selling the food who was so cute and nice. he has a girlfriend who lives in ashfield though. but it was really nice talking to him actually. then we saw the show and we were over on the side and we were like the only ones jamming out, but that meant to Ricky kept looking at us. ahhh, my fangirl heart. and then at the end of the set he came to give me his drumstick and the lady in front of us who was sitting on the speaker for KTK's whole set jumped up and grabbed it from me. -_- but then after the show we talked to Ricky and Jose and he promised he would give me one in NYC. so yay for that. and the other acts were great too - Sam is a natural performer and he kept singing to us too and he was so cute. but it took way too long to get Alex Goot's set all ready so by the time he was on we were exhausted so we sort of took a break. and he was just sitting on his piano anyways. but he was still really good, he was just his awkward youtube shy self. yeah that was the funny part that a lot of these people are youtubers and aren't used to people interaction. but i am glad we went to this show too because we were able to talk to KTK and see them close us because the venue is small and yeah it was fun.

but i really don't want to get getting KTK feels right now because i know that i will never have a chance with them, they have like ten million girls talking to them every night and trying to get their attention. like i'll never be anyone special to them, just another fan. which sucks. honestly i would rather be friendzoned then fanzoned - at least i'm their friend then. ahh so frustrating.

i understand now when people say they need a boyfriend. i used to be like - who cares, what's the rush? but i understand now. like you just want that person you can go to and talk to about anything, who will understand you, and give you hugs, and want to see you, and yeah. i don't have anyone like that so it's hard. so i think about what it would be like if Ricky or Jose or Ryan or Adam Met was that person. and then it kills me when i realized that it basically impossible.

nothing is impossible. what i need to do is create a killer business so i become famous and they actually give me a chance. or get this published so i become famous and they read it and weep because they are like i would have had a chance with her - if only i - or probably not. but whatever.

this isn't a publicity scheme by the way, i know the odds of this actually being published are slim and that isn't why i'm writing it. it's more for me. so i can get my thoughts down on paper and i can read it years from now and be like - awww look at little Molly fangirling over Ricky. seriously though - have you seen Ricky? and Jose? and even David too. like ahhhh. my heart.

umm what else? i'm proud of myself for driving an hour and a half to the venue and back two nights in a row and not falling asleep. and i'm thankful that Maeve stayed awake with me.

i go back to school....holy crap, i just looked it up and i go back in one week and a weekend. like that is so soon. when i get back there my fangirl self will have to go into hibernation so i can get good grades and focus on school and i'll be working. and wooo.

OH the other thing i wanted to talk about is how i want to be a tour manager and go on tour. like seriously. i could be Zuri's assistant and go tour with Taylor in the spring. i'll almost be 20 by then. i go to enough shows. i am a business person so i'll organized and on top of my shit. i will be great. i will get used to the schedule. and i'll get to travel and ahh it would be great. it would also suck because it's tour but it would be an awesome experience. dude KTK might need a tour manager for their next tour. i'm all over that. as long as i'm not in school. so from may tenth until september first 2014 i'm available for tour managing. hit me up. you don't know what you're missing out on.

okay now i should probably do something productive. like either put my clothes away. go to the barn. then get ready to go to the lake house because i have to spend time with my father. then i will have to get ready for NYC which means showering and washing the hair (which is a process now that it is purple - by the way Ricky said he liked my "ombre purple hair" and i was impressed he knew what ombre was) and then packing! i have to pick out some cute outfits to impress KTK and AJR. who knows when i'll see them again, if i ever will...ahhh no, i love them too much to never see them again. me and every other fangirl who will never see them again, or only see them if they go on tour. sucks to suck. honestly though being a fan sucks sometimes - a lot of the time. at least i'm lucky with Taylor and we are a step above fans - I mean i have his number in my phone and he has mine. so we're cool. i have to remember that sometimes. but then it gives me unrealistic expectations for other fan-artist relationships i have. but me and Taylor have been working on this relationship for years. haha that sounds ridiculous. but actually though over 3 years of being a Taylor Mathews fangirl. #fanfromthestart

no i just used a hashtag on my blog. i'm done.

hi so i'm sleepy but i haven't posted here in a while and i felt like it. i finally ready delirium by lauren oliver today and it was so good. i loved it. and i really want the next one. i read the only thing in one day - granted, i am a fast reader and half the time i'll skim the page without realizing it to get to the dialogue. it's a bad habit.

but today was a day of doctor and dentist appointments and yuck. but they both went well. no cavities, what's up! it was also a day of messaging Adams on facebook. i messaged Adam Met and Adam Deniere. Adam Met messaged back right away and messaged my mom - enough so we could find out that hanging out with them is out of the picture, except for maybe after the show or something. we will see, but i am pretty sure Ryan has a girlfriend anyways soooo i really should back up there. talking about AJR by the way. at least we will be able to see them perform. and then i messaged Adam from camp and he finally just read it - but no response yet. i'll probably end up going to sleep. i hate the whole waiting game. and this isn't even as bad as it has been with other peeps.

i wish i knew what he was thinking though when he read it and what he is thinking now and if it's going to respond or what. blah. that's the thing though, you never really know the whole story. you have what people say, their actions, or what they post online - but you don't hear their inner thoughts, you don't see the story behind that picture. even this blog. you think you know me - but you don't really, do you? like i haven't mentioned anything about the whole divorce thing which affects my family every day - like when your mother has to correct the whole phone number thing at the dentist office and say how he isn't living in the same house as the kids. and refers to him as "soon to be ex-husband" which just sets knifes through my chest. and when she was going to have me go into the office if he was there so she wouldn't have to talk to him. it kills me to be in the middle of it. i can only imagine that it is ten times worse for my sisters.

yuck. adam just message me back so i can think about that instead of this. or not. just read my message and not respond that's cool too.

i'm just going to sleep. night.

I can't wait to go back to school so I can pretend to have a life and friends. 

I'm just sitting on the couch watching a kids show. And I am thinking about how I have no friends. And I start bawling because I feel alone and I miss Josh and I miss Abby. I miss them so much. I miss having people to hang out with and to talk to and someone to talk to about my day. 

And I know I'm being ridiculous. I am so incredibly lucky and blesses and here I am crying because I miss my old friends. Like I need to get a grip on life and remember what is important. 

Actually I probably just need to sleep. And get some new friends. 

Well, at least I can get some sleep. And for the second part, maybe I can try to start crying first. 

i am so tired right now. sleep over last night at camp. so from 8:30am on thursday until 5pm on Friday i was working and i'm exhausted. i love those girls though. i'm going to miss them so much. i really hope they all have amazing lives. one more week to go. i'm going to miss camp. at the same time though, i won't.

okay so i really need to be a successful businesswoman and make a shit ton of money. why? not for me. so i can do random acts of kindness. i know that RAOK don't have to be money but money is always appreciated and needed and it helps.

like  the other day we went to see one of Lou's friends Melissa Polinar at the Iron Horse and she was playing with three other people. one of the guys, i think his name was Matt, said that he had one shirt left so it is $1,000. i wish i could have gone up to him and been like, so where is that $1,000 i would like to buy it. and then let him keep the shirt and the money. just out of the blue like that. being able to go on kickstarter and indiegogo and give the last boost they need to send them over their goal. i just want to help them so much.

of course there are perks for me too but that isn't the important part. like really what i want more than a house on Muholland Drive or being able to travel the world is to be able to change some people's lives for the better. go find a musician in the subway and slip a few $100 bills in his hat. help a woman set up a store for her to sell her jewlery out of. (see, i know that sometimes money isn't the solution but still) give Taylor or AJR or Alex the money they need to get their name out there so everyone knows how amazing they are.

i don't know, maybe i'm crazy, maybe you think i'm ridiculous or that i could do better. yeah i would love it if my business was able to help. or maybe you are thinking - why wait molly, go do something right now like some people are doing. and you're right i should be doing something right now. fuck. i need to go do something. i need a cause. no i don't, i just need to do something to make a change right now. ahahaskdjflalksdfjl, frustration.

side thought. the only business idea i have now is basically a website for fangirls. like partner up with musicians to give them like a profile and then people make accounts and with that account they spread the word of this musician and they get points and recognition for than supportive activities. so basically the fans get rewarded and the musician gets marketing from the fans. idk, it's really rough and i'm not sure how it would function.

but i don't think i'm going to get anything done tonight so i am going to sleep. i'm tired. 9 more days of work. woot woot.

hi this is my 1,200th post and when i look at the blog it will be my 2,900th page view. wooo.

where did i leave off? i don't know. but no farther development on the friend front really. clare, cortney, and i are going to do something next week i think, hopefully. i need friends. still. and adam and i still talk at camp but still haven't gotten a text or a mention about hanging out. i wanted to ask today when we were hanging out but i never had a chance to. but the girls this week are perfect. i have 11 third graders and i couldn't ask for a better group, they are so awesome. except slow. i wish we weren't late to everything but that's okay.

what else? oh right our whole concert weekend extravaganza. so basically we went to Taylor Swift then drove straight to New Jersey. we were going to stop at a hotel in CT but when we were like 10 minutes away mommy just decided to keep going straight to New Jersey. so i stayed up with her the whole time and got no sleep. we got to balloon fest around 6am, watched them set off the air balloons with the sun rise, then we went to a hotel near by and used their public restroom (which there was only one of) to get ready and then went to Dunkin Donuts to use their outlets to charge our phones and for Maeve to straighten her hair. then we went over to the venue! and a little girl actually recognized us as the 3videosisters which was pretty awesome. and then we saw AJR and i basically freaked out, you hear me on the vlog saying "they are so cute, i'm dying, i can't" about them. we didn't have much time to talk to them because there were a whole bunch of people waiting to get pictures and stuff. but we gave them some candy and they recognized us, okay well Adam did, who is literally the sweetest. and they told us that our video is going to be in their official video for I'm Ready. which is pretty awesome. then we got a picture and were on our way. BUT THEN THEY DIDN'T PLAY. i'll get to that in a second though. then we met Aja who is so awesome and beautiful and so much fun. then we waited in line for our VIP picture, which they only let us get one picture per group which was a rip off, but our sassy picture turned out awesome. and then R5 took forever and finally did their sound check, where they all seemed sort of dead and tired, they weren't "turned on" yet. and then we saw twitter that AJR wasn't going to play. which made us all really sad. like we really like those boys. but they were nice and from the side sort of told us that it wasn't going on, but we should have ran over there to talk to them. then we tweeted them like ten million times. but Jack responded to my mom and said that they had to leave right away to go meet a potential manager. which sucks for us who were hoping that we could hang out with them. but then R5 went on and they were awesome like always, i got almost all of them to look at me at least once. and i started the whole crowd to start waving their arms after Rydel saw us and copied. so that's pretty cool. but then after the show we were exhausted so we headed home and i was able to sleep for a bit then. and then as soon as we got home around 8 i got ready for bed and then i was up at 6:30 for a full day of camp. woot woot.

but it is amazing how much i can do with no sleep but i was exhausted and i love my sleep. so yeah we decided to go see AJR open up for Alex Goot in NYC at the end of August - we were going to go see Alex Goot in CT but we decided to sell those tickets and then buy the scalper tickets for NYC instead so we could see AJR so they better be opening. and we made a weekend out of it for Maura's birthday so we will be in New York. i'm already planning on asking Ryan out. wait, what?! just kidding, but not really, actually no i'm not. if the opportunity arrises i will be prepared to ask Ryan out. probably won't happen. but you just have to keep your options open. he goes to freaking Colombia, he is an amazing singer, he is cute, and he plays piano, and if his personality is anything like he seems like on the internet then he is practically perfect and would be worth going out on a date with. but i still have a month before that and by then i'll be done with camp, which is crazy. this summer has gone by fast. probably because i have barely done anything except camp and concerts. woot woot. but we still have a lot more concerts to come yeah yeah.

okay anyways i think i am going to go sleep now. it'a 10, past my bedtime.

you guys i gave a guy my number a two days ago. i know, look at me go. and you know what i'm most worried about though? that by mistake i gave him the wrong number. he hasn't texted me yet. ):

but i am not going to stress or worry about it (or try not to) because really i think we will just be good friends once we get there. he has already suggested that we hang out with other girls. although i swear he has been awkward around me the past two days. i could be making stuff up though or maybe he is awkward but not for the reasons that i think.

i don't know. but he did ask for my number. and added me on facebook. so two points for molly. we will wait and see what happens. this weekend is a double concert weekend! T-swift tomorrow and AJR Brothers and R5 on Sunday! then back to camp for 8 on Monday! what what yeah yeah.

i feel like i should be doing something productive right now or something business related or something. like working towards something. but i don't know what. i just want something simple. i think i am going to teach myself how to make the friendship bracelets like maeve knows how to make. i don't know why. just cause. maybe i could sell them eventually. or just teach my campers how to make them.

completely unrelated to today and what i'm feeling and everything but:

last week during camp one of the girls, Emma, from the other group came up and gave me a hug before going back to her group. one of my campers, Reesa, saw this so she asked me "Why does she like you?" and I asked Reesa "Why do YOU like me?" and Reesa responded with "Because you're cute"

which just made my life.

hi so i'm not sure how to get into this but here we go. i went out to target with my sisters and my dad. and i saw my dad putting girl's long hair shampoo into his cart, the kind that i use, and i called him out on it and he says how he has to be a good host and how all he has is his dandruff stuff. so basically that means he has been having women over. i just sort of pushed it out of my head but then when maeve and maura were at the barn and i was at the lakehouse with my dad he decides to ask me what i think maeve and maura would think if there was another woman. so i was like, i don't think they would like it but they would understand. and then later when i was leaving my dad followed me out and was like the reason why i brought it up is because there is someone i would like to you to meet and i just didn't know what to say it was so awkward and it gave me those yucky knots in my stomach. he was thinking about having me meet her while my sisters and mom were at the dude ranch. yeah but i think we decided that it would be better to wait for the divorce to be final.

so then i got in the car and started balling as i was driving away to the barn. and i was crying because of that whole situation and i was also crying because i had no one to tell. i can't tell my sisters because they are aren't for that. i wasn't even ready judging by my tears. and i have no friends. well none close enough to talk about this stuff. so i was crying because my dad is already with another woman and that i have no one to talk to about it.

this is where it would come in handy to have a friend i can just call up and vent to and just talk to. anyone to talk to. that's all i want.

so to combat this problem i texted three of my babson friends that i haven't talked to in a while. two already texted me back and are talking to me now. and then i am going to contact my old high school friends, probably Mollie and Sarah even though i haven't talk to them in FOREVER. and i am debating reaching out to Abby but i don't know if i'm ready for that. and i don't know if i should talk to Josh or what. yuckkkk. and i'm still trying to get the whole camp friends thing but that's hard because i'm working and with the kids and i don't have time to talk to the other counselors. and even i do it's hard to jump from talking at work to hanging out outside of work. i'll try though because honestly after camp i never see them until next year if i decide to work there again and i may not. so tomorrow hopefully i'll have some more chances.

but for today tomorrow and wednesday i'm all alone! wooo! i'm planning on going over to the barn. because Dolly is my best friend right now. yesterday after i rode her i left the barn about ten times better than i went over there. it's just so hot out that i'm trying to wait for it to cool down a bit before i'm over there. i'll probably leave soon though.

okay i just thought it would tell you what is up in molly world. that's basically all. still friendless. and lonely. but trying.