frustrated because i thought i was supposed to video chat with Taylor today but i texted him and no response. so now i am thinking he really meant a week from today. in that case i feel stupid. and now i'm just wondering what he is doing where he can't text me back, probably fucking some girl because he just got back to LA. whatever. but it's like all these nerves and anxiety for the past hour and a half for no reason. and i'm going to have to go through that again when we actually video chat. it's like what the hell. i don't know, maybe it's my fault for not clarifying what Tuesday because "next Tuesday" could mean the Tuesday that is coming up in 5 days or it could be the one after that one. i don't know. fuck. and i hate that i care and that this is making me upset. i don't want some guy living in LA who doesn't give a shit about me to control my emotions. like fuck off dude.

sorry for all the swearing and such. i'm just tired and it's been a really long day. like i just got back to my dorm room to sit down at 8:30, then i go and take a shower and sit waiting for Taylor. like i haven't been able to relax. it's been go go go. and then i have another day full of stuff. and i was all excited because i thought i was going to see Lorde with Maeve on Thursday but now we aren't and i'm just bummed out.

and Lily asked if I still talk to Josh and I said i didn't and that made me feel shitty too. maybe i'll message him too so i won't know if my anxiety is from waiting for Taylor to respond or waiting for Josh. sounds like a great plan, have two guys fucking with my mind instead of just one. two guys who i will never even date again but i care about way too fucking much.

okay so guess who just called me like right now? Taylor. his phone was dead. and he has no internet at the house. and he thought it was Wednesday. so he offered to talk on the phone but i said i would rather do video chat and it's almost 11 now anyways. so we are trying tomorrow at the same time.

i don't even know what i think. it's always like this with Taylor. like the second you write him off he comes back in trying to save the day. like actually that's so true. soooooooo i think i am going to sleep now and try to forget about this. and we will go through this again tomorrow. but it is pretty cool seeing Taylor Mathews's name under recent calls. just saying.

tomorrow is going to be fun. just like today was so much fun (it really wasn't).