hi so it's new years eve and i'm in bed in my room by myself. i could be down stairs with maeve and her friend kayla but ehhh i was with them for a bit but i'm tired. i'll probably be asleep before 12.

i was having a mental breakdown earlier today but i think i'm okay now. we will see how it goes.

but i wanted to write this post to reflect on 2013 and to write down my goals. so let's see what the blog holds.

but wow, i'm going to have 5 complete years of this blog soon. that's a lot.

OH RIGHT. my mind was not in the right place. my mom had told me earlier that it was exactly a year ago today that Taylor was waking up at our house and eating breakfast at outlook. but for some reason i was thinking i spent new years at Josh's. oh wow. that was when things started going south very quickly. he was mad that i didn't spend new years with him. and instead i stayed home crying.

wow, you should just go read that series of events on December 30, 2012. that was some day that Boston concert. anyways let's see what i wrote about in January.

January:
- had to sit through the Hobbit and was really mad at Abby
- my relationship with josh was basically shit
- i wanted to go to california for spring break (ha)
- i still loved Taylor Mathews
- i couldn't wait to go back to school
- i was working out every day (yeah so strong)
- shit with the parents

February:
- my gramma died :(
- i cried a lot
- R5 and Taylor Mathews saved me
- filmed our Falling for You music video (which was 20,021 views right now)

March:
- Abby was no longer a viewer on this blog
- still downhill with the boyfriend
- discovered Alex Aiono
- i only posted twice this month

April:
- yeah abby and i officially not really friends, wooo
- josh's mom posted shit about me on facebook, final straw really
- josh and i broke up
- FME woo!
- applied for summer jobs
- had a guy ask me to dance at a party (just saying but every time i see him around campus now, i think of that)
- Taylor Mathews & Alex Aiono & Loud Tour (the best days were the concert days and the anticipation leading up to them)

May:
- back home for a week (a.k.a. dealing with family shit)
- Taylor Mathews kickstarter
- got my camp counselor job
- more Taylor Mathews

June:
- i didn't post anything...but i was at school learning Chinese and then in China! woot woo!
- then i started camp
- Taylor Mathews called me on my birthday

July:
- camp norwhich was my life
- i wanted friends
- found out my dad has a girlfriend
- gave a guy my number who never texted or contacted me at all (f u)

August:
- the amazing Taylor Swift/AJR/R5 concert NJ road trip (even though AJR never performed but we met them!)
- KTK!!!!!!
- Megan & Liz concert then Alex Goot/KTK etc. (two times, once with AJR performing)
- grampa died while we were in NYC ):

September:
- started sophomore year of college
- started working on my music fan website idea
- Abby defriend me from facebook (or i just found out)
- equestrian team
- won the mix 93.1 video contest

October:
- video chatted with Taylor Mathews
- our uncle chris came back into our lives
- tried talked to josh on facebook...that failed
- social media break for a month
- thought i was bcced on something for Tay's honor club...really it was just emailed to me along with everyone else...wow so dumb
- found out my roommate was cutting herself
- KTK
- midterms
- AJR concert
- met my dad's girlfriend

November:
- drove home for Maeve's birthday
- more shit with the parents, aka with the dad
- Kozmo!
- shit of a thanksgiving

December:
- somehow managed to get through finals and christmas
- now

okay that took a while. really the only good parts of this year were when i was at a concert. i mean school wasn't all that bad mostly, but it is nothing to brag about. but honestly most everything else sucked...i broke up with my boyfriend, both my grandparents died, there was a ton of shit with the divorce and parents. okay i did go to china, that was awesome. and camp wasn't bad all the time, i loved most of the girls, not really the other counselors though. and that's basically my year.

okay this is what i want my year to look like next year:

January:
- Leaderclips internship
- Puppy sitting!
- Started MS Cure Fund internship

February:
- Taylor Mathews!
- ParadiseFears/Sunderland concert
- making money with the internships!
- hear back from some of the summer internships i applied to

March:
- relaxing, no drama spring break
- Demi Lovato concert
- Imagine Dragons concert

April:
- marking more money!
- figure out the plan for the summer!

May:
- finish sophomore year!
- move to Cali/Nashville for an internship in the music industry

June:
- internship!

July:
- internship!

August:
- internship!
- home then prepare for China!

September:
- start junior year!
- China study abroad!

October:
- China study abroad!

November:
- China study abroad!

December!
- China study abroad!
- home and the holidays

Okay so it is a rough sketch, but for most part of it, i'm not even home. it's going to be a big year for me. big transitions and growing up. hopefully.

Maeve just came in and said goodnight and happy new years, Kaya and her are going to sleep and it's 11:12pm at night. at the rate i'm writing this blog it will be next year by the time i'm done.

okay let's get some goals and resolutions and things to work on then we can be done:

- save $5,000 by working and have it in my checking account by the end of April
- have a summer internship in the music industry

- take control of myself -> my thoughts, feelings, attitudes, actions
- stop complaining
- stop comparing myself to others
- have internal security
- build self awareness
- reach out to build relationships and really care about how they are doing
- choose happiness

so really i just want to be happy with myself and more secure with who i am so no one or no thing can shake me.

sounds good. okay i should get ready to sleep. goodnight, 2013.