so today was that day.

that day when i just broke down. luckily it was only in front of my mother. the only other plus side i can find in this day is three people complimented me on my shirt and i think i looked pretty good today until i you know started crying.

so school itself wasn't that bad until 7th period. it wasn't great either. oh one other good thing that happened is i didn't have to do my spanish oral because they ran out of time. but nothing good happened all day. then 7th period i got a 60 and 65 on my test and quiz and a C on my term paper. those 60s are the lowest i've gotten in that class, or on any test that actually matters. so right now my average in that class is probably in the 70s which maybe doesn't seem like that bad in an AP test but if that grade stays a 70 for report card time, that will be the first time i've gotten anything lower than an 80 on my report card. i've had 80s but a 79 is so much worse than an 80. it's different for everyone and for me yeah. i don't know if it sounds selfish or anything bad but that's how it is. so it sucked getting those grades back.

then i started saying how i had a lousy day which sort of made it seem worse in my head. i went to the barn after school for my lesson and i found out i wasn't going to be riding Max, who i was planning on riding, because i ride him too often. well he's the best horse at that barn. so i had to choose who to ride between Donnie, Tiger Eye, Revy, and Cloud. I didn't want to ride any of them so I picked Revy even though I rode him last Saturday and he bucked on my three or four times and i stayed on all ride. today i wasn't so lucky. before we even started trotting he bucked. then he did again within the first ten minutes and i fell off. yepppp. i fell off. and falling off sort of takes it out of you. so then i got on Donnie who is a hard horse to ride and i haven't ridden him in a long time. i think i would have been better if i hadn't just fallen off and i started on him. but i had a hard time on him. then Donnie was freaking out at the wind when we were just standing there so Carolyn had me get off and put him away. and now i'm really shaken up. so then i get on Cloud and he was zooming around, so the first jump course didn't go so great but the second one i managed to get it a little bit more under control. several times during this lesson i felt like breaking out in tears and i'm sure a few escaped but i managed to hold it together.

then i got in the car and started telling my mom about it and i started crying. i wasn't planning on telling her about the history grades but i said that i had a bad day and she asked if i had a bad day at school too and then i told her. so yeah i cried that whole ride home. and when i pulled into the driveway my father was there, and he normally isn't home that early, he gets home around dinner time. i really didn't want to deal with him. so i got home and went straight up to the shower. when maeve and maura saw me they instantly turned down their music. and then i went to get in the shower and the door to the shower was locked which just set me off. so i was banging on the handle, i didn't know my dad was up there and then he opened up the door and was like "is everyone okay?" and i just yelled back "yeah i'm fine" and i was just going crazy. so then i cried in the shower. and then after the shower i lied in my bed for another hour and texted Abby. then i finally went downstairs and ate food because my family had already eaten and did my homework. now i'm here.

so why did i break down? well combination of being sick of everything and what happened that day. i'm sick of feeling like i'm just an extra person. i'm just existing, i'm not living or being anyone important. i am trying to find purpose and reason. like I see Abby with Colin and she's so happy and I don't feel like Katelyn is even a friend with her comments like "slacker" that make me feel like crap but i can't do anything to get rid of her and i don't even have any other real close friends. but i didn't break down because of my friend situation, i think it was more internal like i just broke down and nothing more to it and i'm sick of talking about it so i'm not going to say anymore and just hope tomorrow is better.

and while i'm all worried about this, Percy Fuller died yesterday. i remember writing a blog about how they thought he only had 24 hours to live a while ago, well he woke up and asked for a glass of water and lasted until yesterday. he died in his sleep. i always remember what someone said about him, he's forgotten more about horses than we'll ever know. meaning that he knows so much, well knew. ):

and now i think i'm going to go to sleep. i'm so tired. really tired.