i wish there was something i had that i was so passionate about. i would want to work at it all the time to get better, it wouldn't even seem like work.

like dancing, i would practice the routine over and over again. i would dance around for fun. i would love it so much and i would be really good at it. when people watched me dance they would see my effort and time and love for it. but that didn't happen, i did Irish dancing and I quit. Then I want to one of Katelyn dance classes and it was horrible, but that could have just been the teacher, but I seriously was no good.

like singing, i would sing everything, and sing that one song over and over again until i got it right. people would want me to sing because they would love hearing my voice and they knew how much i loved singing. but that didn't happen, i was in chorus but i'm no good at singing.

like playing an instrument, i would practice it all the time, i would learn new songs just for fun. when people heard me play they would know that i was good and they would know i was good because i loved it and played it all the time. but that didn't happen, i played the piano but had to stop because my teacher got pregnant, and then when i try to learn a new song i always give up and don't keep trying. and i like the drums but i'm really not that good at it, honestly, i'm not.

like drawing, i would always have a pen or pencil in my hand and would be drawing something. people would look at my pictures and see how much i put into making it and they would love them, they would want me to draw all sorts of things for them. but that didn't happen, i don't have the natural ability to just draw and make it look nice. i can draw somewhat but they don't make you go "wow, that's amazing" and i don't love it enough to do it all the time.

like ceramics, i would be in the art room every chance i had making something, or glazing something. people would be amazing that i was able to make that out of just a slab of clay, they would be able to see the details and effort i put into it. but that didn't happen. i'm not all that good at making clay things. my elephants came out pretty good, but only some of them, and the rest of my stuff isn't all that fabulous, i've seen so much better. plus i'm not begging to go make something else.

like soccer, i would always have a soccer ball, practice, playing. people would watch me play and see my dedication and know that i was good because i wanted to be good and i tried to be good. that didn't happen, i quit soccer after i was the reason why my team lost. i was never that good at soccer.

what else is there? a bunch of different sports, instruments, art forms. i forgot writing. i'm not that good at that, am i? i haven't gotten an A on an essay this year in english, in history i think the highest i got was a B-. if i was a good writer i would be able to write anything. i can't. even this blog is a mess. it isn't well put together. my book that i wrote is horrible too, i know, i've read it. i would love for people to read anything i wrote and say "this is fabulous" but i've never heard that and i probably never will.

so now what else? i do well in school. what does that mean? that means i can learn information, prove that i learned it on a test, then forget it all. i'm really good at knowing exactly what i need to know and forgetting everything else. that doesn't mean i'm smart. that means throughout the years i've figured out how i work enough to get As. well not in history AP because i have a C in that class. so there you go. even my international business class, i put that off until the last day. if i loved it, i would get everything done as soon as possible.

i want a passion. that's what i really want. i don't have one. i want something to be passionate about. what is the definition of "passion." the ones i found that i like the best are "an intense desire or enthusiasm for something" and "a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything." i can't think of that.

OH i forgot riding. that should tell you right there that riding isn't my passion, because i genuinely forgot about it. i'm not an excellent rider. i can ride and ride well, but not fabulously. there are so many people better than me and who ride all the time because they love it. i don't love it. if i did i would be at the barn now and i wouldn't be selling my horse. but i'm at home and i'm selling my horse.

so i'm lacking a passion. and i think i'm really feeling that lack of something now. maybe that's part of the reason i'm in the dumps, i've never had a passion though so why is it affecting me now? who knows.

i think a lot of people look towards other people when they don't have a passion and they cling onto other people. i think i'm starting to do that. and i think i need to step back. i don't think it is always a bad thing to have a person who is sort of like a "passion." if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend who means the world to you and you know what you have is special, then first of all you are lucky, never let them go, no matter what anyone says. i think if you have that someone, sometimes you don't feel like you need a passion because you have someone there by your side and you aren't alone. and you know for sure that you aren't alone. but then again if you had that someone you could still be missing your passion.

let's bring it back to me because this is my blog, and that's what i do, i talk about myself. yeah i'm lacking a passion and it's hurting me. i sit here and i don't know what to do. there's nothing i want to do. it makes me feel depressed. so i look towards other people and ask them to make me feel better. i shouldn't do that. i need to look to myself to do that. right now i'm expecting too much from other people and when it doesn't happen it makes me feel worse. and i'm in a vicious cycle.

so how do i get out of this cycle of looking towards people to make me feel better, having them make me feel worse, but still looking towards them? i don't know. i really have no idea. i need something. i don't know if it is something to do or something inside or someone. i don't think it is someone. if it's something inside, i don't know what it is or how to get it. if it is something to do, i have no idea what. no idea.

i think maybe i can connect this bad feeling stuff to when i stopped taking care of Pride all the time, when i stopped riding him, and when i stopped caring. i had this thing in my life where i had to take care of a horse, and i wanted to. for a while. now that's gone. now i don't want to anymore. now i have nothing. nothing at all.

i need something. i don't know what. that's scary. this has been such a rough week.