crying on the bus, it's cool.

don't freak out i'm just an emotional wreck who goes from being happy one second to being completely depressed the next. today was just a lousy day. but that's not why i started crying. well when i got on the bus i was just feeling crappy. i got a text message from my mom asking if i could ride meike either today or tomorrow and that i had a lesson on wednesday. i still had a chance to get on the bus to the barn but i didn't want to, so i went home. i texted her back saying i guess i could but i was going home now, and why did i have a lesson if iea was over? and she said she thought we were still doing 1 lesson a week year round. that's when i started crying. but i don't see the point in taking lessons anymore if i'm not working towards anything. i don't have a horse anymore, or i won't soon because he'll be sold any day now. i don't have any more iea shows because i failed at the last one. i'm probably not going to show this summer because i don't have a horse. and i'm not going to ride in college most likely. i guess the whole reason i can see is so i can keep improving for next iea season but maybe i won't want to do that. so what i just want to quit riding? and do what instead. NOTHING BECAUSE I'M A LOSER AND DON'T DO ANYTHING ELSE.

crying again.

i just don't see a point anymore for anything. i have nothing. yet i have so much that i just take for granted which makes me feel even worse about myself. i'm just a stupid girl who doesn't appreciate what she has and always wants more. i don't even know what i want. actually i do. maybe a horse that i can actually ride that won't make me scared or hurt me. so then i can show that horse. i want to be a better rider so i could actually make it to zones and feel like i'm actually good at something other than stupid school work, which i am sick of doing. so i guess i want to actually look forward to do something, because right now i don't have anything that makes me happy. i don't look forward to riding. friends? what friends? katelyn's always in a bad mood and isn't very "friend" like and i don't care about her. i never see abby and when i do i never even know what to say. i can't even consider josh a friend because when do i talk to him? never. and i don't talk to anyone else really. so friends don't make me happy. my family just stresses me out so they don't make me happy. i don't do anything that makes me happy. so i have nothing. great. i guess that was why i was crying on the bus, because i realized i didn't have the one thing that used to make me happy, and i realized i didn't have anything.

maybe a lot of kids have that, but i don't really care about them, honestly.

so now what do i do? hm. well i'm not going to do something that makes me happy because nothing does. i'll probably do homework because i'm a good child and that's what i do, because i can't imagine disappointing anyone, and i've never not done my homework on purpose and i'm not going to start now. i'm sick of it though. i'm sick of doing stupid school work that isn't going to help me at all later in life except for that stupid number that will go on my transcript and get me into a college where i might actually do something useful, but probably not.

this is so stupid. what's this? how about my life?

anyways let's go do homework!