Do I end up happy?

i'm posting a lot.

that's what happens when either a lot of happening in my life or nothing is. currently a lot is.

i'm tired. so i'm not going to correct my term paper and hope for a snow day and if we do have school i'll do it during study hall. i'm not going to read Huck Finn either. too tired. i'm such a rebel.

i think i'm not going to worry too much anymore. i mean prom's one night. this is one year of my life. in a little more than a year from now i'll be done with high school and getting ready for college and i'll never see these kids again. and then the two proms will just be things that happen. actually junior prom will just be a thing that happened on May 7th. so you know.

drivers license in a week. so nervous.

i'm going to go plan college visits now. this is another pointless blog post.

i feel like a jerk.
i'm going to prom with a guy that doesn't talk to me or text me.
i'm not going to prom with a guy that texts me every night.
he didn't ask though.

can everyone just tell me what they're thinking? and tell me the truth please? don't tell me part of the truth, don't lie to me, tell me everything.

can society stop telling me what i'm supposed to do? can i feel like i can do whatever i want without someone judging me and having to worry about the consequences?

can i just do whatever i want whenever i want without any guidelines? can i not be forced to do anything?

can my mood actually be a good one? can i stop feeling so confused? can i stop this wondering and guessing? can i stop being a nervous little awkward shy girl? can i figure this out all?

please.
please, please, please.

i told you i'm up and i'm down.

i'm yes and you're no. isn't that a song? hello goodbye maybe? hold on let me check this out. okay well the "i'm up and i'm down" isn't part of hello goodbye but that other stuff is and i think that it's part of a different song. whatever though.

so yeah i'm in a bit of a better mood. my family was the only family that showed up for the spain meeting which was fine. kind of awkward but i was actually kind of proud that i had this family. i had a family that cared about me and you know i kind of liked showing them off, even if it was just to my teacher. now i'm excited for the trip, it should be a lot of fun.

then i'm sort of down because i still haven't had contact with adam. i'm just like gahaha, you don't ask a girl out to prom then don't talk to her. you already did the hard part, she said yes, so now you talk to her. i'm texting josh now. so of course i'm doubting myself like, oh i should have went with josh instead. i have never done well with options. but there isn't an option because i would never go back on my word to adam. and then have to tell everyone in addition to that? no way. so adam needs to get his act together and talk to me. does he think he's just going to avoid me until the night of prom? um no. but see i'm jumping to conclusions here. maybe he got his phone taken away, which is why he isn't texting me back or maybe it isn't working, or maybe he had the wrong number for me. or maybe he read my text message and was like "ehh yeah no i don't want to talk to her, i only asked her out to prom because i needed a date and didn't want to go by myself." that would suck.

i need to stop thinking. but adam needs to talk to me. and i need sleep.

wow all this neediness. stuff was more less complicated when boys weren't interested in me.

oh i saw this thing on tumblr that hit home. let me go find it. "Though Cancers can effortlessly attract potential partners, they never feel sure that their partner loves them for who they are." If I had read this at the beginning of this school year i would have been like...me? attracting "potential partners"? you got to be kidding me. but now i can't really say that can i? that makes me feel pretty good actually in a selfish kind of way. i know that you aren't supposed to let other people influence you and how a girl doesn't need a guy to make her feel good, but it does feel good to know that someone, maybe two, people like you. i must be doing something right, right? but the second part of that quote too. it's like they like "me" but do they really like me. they like what they've seen of me, or what they think i am. that's scary. cause what happens when they find out who i am really am, then do they leave? is that what happens? well peace suckers i'm gonna be who i'm gonna be.

yeah i'm in a better mood now.

why do my moods change every two seconds?

things that are making me mad:
- leaving my science binder at school so i can't do lab, wait i just realized i'm going to the school in two seconds so i can actually get it...
- maura making me put songs on her ipod and it not working the first time, so i have to do it all over again
- texting adam for the first time 2 hours ago and him not texting about
- having him come online to facebook chat for 10 seconds then go offline
- my dad's happy-la-di-dumb attitude
- and my dad saying "i can't let you out of my sight" of course in relation to me being asked to prom but don't worry about it dad because i haven't actually talked to him all day because he wasn't in study hall
- and i didn't talk to josh either and i haven't texted him and he hasn't texted me so don't worry about me being a slut and having two guys in my life
- and i'm just in a pissy mood now and i don't even know why, other than the reasons i already stated.

and today we were in study hall and all the library kids were in there because the library was closed and we were talking about prom and i saw Tasha's dress and stuff. and Kristi said "you're going with adam right?" and i was like yepp, and then somehow she got this line in, i forgot when she said before and afterwards "i thought you were going with josh" and i was kind of like, how does she know all of this? well she's going to prom with adam's friend and she's friends with nicole. i asked her how she already knew i was going with adam, and she told me the statement. and then she was asking if i was going with them, and i said i didn't know because he just asked me yesterday and we hadn't talked about it (yeah cause we haven't talked at all). and she said how her date got a limo and how she thought we were probably go with her, and Marianne and her date and such, and i was just like...yeahh limo! because i didn't want to seem mean when really i don't want to go with them. and then i was thinking how is this all going to work? where are we going to sit for dinner? with adam's friends or with mine? or are we just going to have to carry our plates back and forth? and i barely even know adam so what if it's just completely awkward all night. i seriously need to talk to him and maybe do something outside of school and the barn? but with who? we don't even have any common friends. i could make abby and colin come with us, but that would be awkward. is emily still going out with jamie? then we could go out. or get a big group of people or i don't know. this is seeming more complicated than i thought.

so i'm just in a foul mood and i'm about to go to a meeting about going to spain next year and apparently my dad's coming so i'm going to have to deal with my dad and ms. walker and ahhh. i still haven't had dinner and my dad isn't going to make anything and my mom isn't home and i don't know where she is and i should text her because she's the only person i've been texting all day tomorrow. and this is just stupid. why can't i just know exactly what people are thinking and why can't people talk to me so i don't have to do all this stupid wondering and waiting stuff. i mean come on.

i want a typewriter.

that went surprisingly well.

i told my family and my mom was like "Adam's a good kid" and maeve was like "aww i love Adam" and i told Bella and she just went "awwww!" a bunch and giggled and was all happy for me. maura told my dad. i kind of wish i got to tell him, just to see his reaction. i got through the whole daddy doing his whole thing, i don't mind, i would rather him do that instead of him just not being here. after i get through tomorrow then pretty much almost all the hard stuff is done. then i would have gotten through being asked, telling my parents, and the day after i was asked. all i have to do now is get a dress, figure out what i'm doing before and after prom, and pray to God that Josh doesn't ask me because I don't want to have to say no.

but you know i'm happy. who would have thought that i would have been asked to prom? who would have thought that there is a chance that second boy would have asked me to prom? i'm just molly. i don't know what they see in me. i don't know why adam asked me, and not someone else.

and here's the thing. i don't know how prom is going to go. i don't know what adam was thinking when he asked me. i don't know what he was thinking when he was talking to me online. i don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. i don't know what josh is going to think when he hears i'm going to prom with adam. i don't know what's going to happen before or after prom. i don't know what's going to happen with adam and i this month before prom and after prom.

all i know is that prom is one night. it's not my whole life. it's not a huge deal. it's not like i'm committing my life to the guy i go to prom with. i know that i'm going to have fun, no matter what. i'm not going to let my head get to me or little drama get me down. i'm going to have a good time. so whatever happens happens, i'm not going to sweat it. i mean if i could tell my parents then i'm pretty sure i can do anything.

so i'm in a happy mood. i was freaking out a bit when i was talking to abby because i was doubting everything. but i'm not even going to go there. i'm just going to smile and blush, like i apparently do and everything will be good.

Really?!

So I got asked to prom today. I know, right? Me? But it happened. So if you aren't Abby or you don't already know, make your guesses now as to who asked me. So I was leaving study hall and Adam comes up and says "hey, I have a question for you" and I say "yeah?" and then he asked if i wanted to go to prom with him. to which i was completely shocked and stunned at and was like whakjaskdf, and said "really?!" and then he was like yeahhh and i somehow managed to get out "yeah, maybe, i'll talk to you later" which was pretty stupid of me. then i had to get to my next class and of course tell abby.

but yeah i was so shocked. it wasn't like i didn't think it was a possibility that he would ask me, i just didn't think he actually would. but he did. ahaha.

so at lunch said to Mollie and Katelyn, "so i had an exciting morning, Adam Munska asked me to prom" and the two of them in unison said "REALLY?!" to which i said yeahhhh. and then Sarah sat down and she asked what was happening so I told her and she said "REALLY?!" so that was just the reaction of the day. but Katelyn was so excited for me, which was a nice surprise. and apparently i blushed completely when i told them, which Mollie pointed out to me and thought was cute.

but i'm excited. yeah the more i'm talking about it the more excited i am. and i'm talking to him on facebook too, he messaged me first thank you very much. it's a bit awkward but that's probably because we normally talk to each other in person. but the question is what about Josh? yeah, i sort of figured that he would ask me. but Adam asked me first. which is a twist in things, but not a bad one.

ah but i'm still sort of like ahahdflas not really sure what to think. maybe because i don't know what he's thinking. if i sort of knew then maybe i would feel better about the whole thing. like why did he ask me? well i guess the answer to that is because he wanted to go to prom with me. but is that it? what's all the stuff surrounding it because nothing is ever that simple. did he just because he felt like he needed a date, so i was his choice, or because he sort of...likes me. i don't know.

and now what's going to happen? will i actually talk to him in study hall? that might requiring moving my seat, and that's sort of a big move. we have a whole month before prom, hows that going to change things? and then i can't help but think of farther ahead on the actual night of prom, hows that going to play out? ah, i'm getting ahead of myself. i have to actually tell my family first of all. i'm not feeling too scared of that, i want to see what they'll say. my mom and maeve know adam from the barn and such but still.

i'm sort of nervous and i'm not really sure what to think and my conversation with him to seconds ago didn't really help that at all. read: "A: hey molly M:hi! i was just about to message you, i wanted to say yes, i didn't make that very clear, but yes, i would love to go to prom with you. A: hah cool yeah i didn't know if you would be able to because I know that you have a horse show the same day right? M: i have it the day afterwards, i'll just be a bit tired but ehhh whatever. A: o alright yeah I have SAT's the next day, so we will both be tired lol M: ahh that sucks too. at least at the horse show i won't actually have to think. A: hahah You don't have to think at horse shows? Sounds like something I might be interested in M: haha, well not really at this one because i'm not showing, my club is just running it. but you should come see one sometime. A: Yeah i'd like that where is this one at? M: This one is up in goshen, we have a good number up there. I don't know how much I'm actually going to be showing because I don't have a horse, but the summer's still a ways away. A: o thats not too far, do you guys ever have any out of state? M: not usually, we just do local lowkey shows during the summer. sometimes during the winter and IEA season we go farther. A: cool alright well, I gotta get going, lots of math homework to do! M: Mrs. Schottttttt, but let me give you my number before you go because i never did, i don't have enough reception at my house to make phone calls but i have unlimited texting: 588-1570 A: o neat, heres mine : 336-0083 M: alrightyy, have fun with that homework. A: o I will cya later M: bye! A: bye

yeah i'm not really sure what to think about that either. so when i don't know what to think, i go to abby.

crying on the bus, it's cool.

don't freak out i'm just an emotional wreck who goes from being happy one second to being completely depressed the next. today was just a lousy day. but that's not why i started crying. well when i got on the bus i was just feeling crappy. i got a text message from my mom asking if i could ride meike either today or tomorrow and that i had a lesson on wednesday. i still had a chance to get on the bus to the barn but i didn't want to, so i went home. i texted her back saying i guess i could but i was going home now, and why did i have a lesson if iea was over? and she said she thought we were still doing 1 lesson a week year round. that's when i started crying. but i don't see the point in taking lessons anymore if i'm not working towards anything. i don't have a horse anymore, or i won't soon because he'll be sold any day now. i don't have any more iea shows because i failed at the last one. i'm probably not going to show this summer because i don't have a horse. and i'm not going to ride in college most likely. i guess the whole reason i can see is so i can keep improving for next iea season but maybe i won't want to do that. so what i just want to quit riding? and do what instead. NOTHING BECAUSE I'M A LOSER AND DON'T DO ANYTHING ELSE.

crying again.

i just don't see a point anymore for anything. i have nothing. yet i have so much that i just take for granted which makes me feel even worse about myself. i'm just a stupid girl who doesn't appreciate what she has and always wants more. i don't even know what i want. actually i do. maybe a horse that i can actually ride that won't make me scared or hurt me. so then i can show that horse. i want to be a better rider so i could actually make it to zones and feel like i'm actually good at something other than stupid school work, which i am sick of doing. so i guess i want to actually look forward to do something, because right now i don't have anything that makes me happy. i don't look forward to riding. friends? what friends? katelyn's always in a bad mood and isn't very "friend" like and i don't care about her. i never see abby and when i do i never even know what to say. i can't even consider josh a friend because when do i talk to him? never. and i don't talk to anyone else really. so friends don't make me happy. my family just stresses me out so they don't make me happy. i don't do anything that makes me happy. so i have nothing. great. i guess that was why i was crying on the bus, because i realized i didn't have the one thing that used to make me happy, and i realized i didn't have anything.

maybe a lot of kids have that, but i don't really care about them, honestly.

so now what do i do? hm. well i'm not going to do something that makes me happy because nothing does. i'll probably do homework because i'm a good child and that's what i do, because i can't imagine disappointing anyone, and i've never not done my homework on purpose and i'm not going to start now. i'm sick of it though. i'm sick of doing stupid school work that isn't going to help me at all later in life except for that stupid number that will go on my transcript and get me into a college where i might actually do something useful, but probably not.

this is so stupid. what's this? how about my life?

anyways let's go do homework!

mood shooting downward.

14 hours of...

...sleep. yep. i was in my bed at 8:30 last night and then i got up at 10:30. that's how you do it.

what else have a done today other than sleep? wrote an explication of an Emily Dickinson poem, did vocab, went through all the prizes we have for the horse show and put them in a spreadsheet, got dressed, ate some food, and been on the internet. that's all. it's already 4:40. i should do some history stuff but i don't feel like, i'll do it next week when i don't have any riding lessons.

boring life.

and regionals 2011 are over.

my head's able to just fall over and rest on my keyboard. when i said i was tired before? yeah nothing compared to this. i was up at 6, left the house at 6:45ish, and then got home at 6:45ish. so exhausted.

yeah. so regionals. i rode in two classes, individual flat and team flat.

individual flat. i had a hard horse. like everything that he did, made me do everything that i had been working on for the longest time but still hadn't gotten down yet. so he made all my weak points show. and i got a wrong lead so i just blew that. i didn't get called back. they had split the class and then the top from each of those two classes, rode. so that sucked. i know that i could have won that class. it wasn't that i wasn't a good enough enough rider, it's just because of that day and that horse, it didn't work out for me. so no zones there.

then i rode in team flat. and at that point i knew that i had to get a 1st for high school to even have a chance at going on to zones. i didn't have a great horse either. i did okay, actually. it wasn't a bad ride. it wasn't one of my best rides either. but what really sucks is that the judge looked around at the beginning of the class, saw that i had already been in a class and hadn't done well, so she instantly marked me down. which is stupid and she shouldn't have done that, she should have given me a chance to redeem myself. but it works nicely for those people who did well the first time, like Sarah who got 1st in both of her classes. i'm not knocking at Sarah because she is a good rider, it just sucks for me. i got 4th in that class though but there were only 6 sooo not too great.

i'm kind of upset with that. i should have done better. but no one from high school did very well. the middle school did though, they tied for 1st so they're going on to zones. Maeve, Moriah, and Dvora all got 2nd in their team classes, and then I already said that Sarah got 1st.

at the same time i'm pissed off that i didn't do that great, i'm kind of glad. now i'm done with riding lesson. i don't have to go two times a week anymore. i don't have to go at all. i'm pretty sure that's what is going to happen. i'm just not going to go to the barn. there's no point for me to. i don't have a horse to ride because i'm selling mine. so yep i won't be going to the barn at all.

i'm so tired and i'm just not feeling too great. now i feel like crying for no real reason. whatever. and now josh can't text me cause he's watching a "show" and Abby's at a concert so i can't talk to her either. and i just feel like a bit of a failure currently, actually like a complete failure. can't cry though, if i make it seem like i didn't have fun then my dad won't let me ever ride again.

day after day.

i'm tired. like my eyes are dropping sort of tired. that's being a teenager, right? i hate that excuse even though it's true. yesterday i didn't get home until 8 - 8:30ish and then I did homework. Now I should be doing homework because I'm not going to have any time after like 5 and no time tomorrow, which leaves Sunday. So yep I'm not going to do homework.

i've been in sort of a weirdish mood lately. like i'm void of a mood. like emotions don't affect me. like i don't really care that i haven't talked to Adam since whenever that was, even though i've had the chance. if he really wanted to talk to me he would and i'm not going to stress out over it. same with Josh, it's like why even bother? whatever happens happens why stress out?

but then again i'm just staying safe in my little comfort zone, which means nothing different is going to happen because i'm not doing anything different. ehhh i don't really care currently. whatever.

that's my mood. whatever. i don't know if that is a good mood or not. but whatever.

i just watched a video on youtube of the Glee cast singing "Don't Stop Believing" on the X Factor in the UK. Oh my gosh. I forgot how much watching them perform makes me smile. And I heard the song "Hello" today that I heard Jonathan Groff and Lea Michelle sing at the concert i went to last year. And ah I can't believe they were right there in front me. I can't wait until I go see them again this year in June. Actually, I'm going to see them twice. I don't think I told you that Abby but we have tickets to two shows. The first one was have five tickets to. The second show we have eight tickets to. I love my family so much. It's going to be so awesome. Ahahashhahdkfla.

two weeks from tomorrow.

two weeks from tomorrow i'm going to go for my road test to get my license. that is so soon. i'm so nervous. i really want to get it. thinking about having it is wonderful. i'll be able to drive to school, i won't have to take the bus home. i can just drive to the store and get something. i can go to mt.toms whenever i want. i won't have to worry about getting rides. ah that is going to be so wonderful. but what if i don't pass? ah that would be so horrible. but then i would just try again and i would get it eventually. i'm going to have to go out and practice some more. i don't want there to be any doubt in my mind about if i can do it or not. but two weeks? so soon. ahhh. i can't wait, but at the same time i can. like i want my license but i'm so nervous and ahhh. i'm sure it will be fine. i'll be fine.

i'm a lazy little girl.

i have done nothing relating to school work once i got home today. i finished everything due tomorrow in study hall. so instead of getting ahead on stuff i'm just chilling out on tumblr and i went driving with my dad and caught up on my shaytards. and that's it. like that's all. well i've texted people too but i do that every day so it doesn't count. i really should have done some work because i'm not going to have as much time tomorrow to do homework and i don't have a study hall but who cares. it's 10:10. umm. yeah that post where i posted numbers earlier? those were page numbers with good quotes but i haven't gotten around to posting the quotes yet because my mom is now reading that book, but those numbers are there so i don't forget. i was supposed to send a 4H email out today but ehhh nope didn't do that. such a lazy person i am. oh well.

"today, a stranger and I shared a deep conversation. now, we aren’t strangers."

that is what i did last night. i ended up staying up until almost midnight talking to him. you might think i'm crazy but i'm going to explain some more, then maybe you'll still think i'm crazy.

do you remember when i watched those aquaticsh33p videos? i know i posted about them. i'm not going to go find the post, even though i am really tempted to. it will just take too long. anyways i had talked to the boy, Seth, via twitter a little bit. i told him to get a tumblr, which he did get. then i didn't talk to him for a long time, just followed him on tumblr and he followed me. then the other day he posted his skype name and said that anyone could add him. it was late at night and i was just like "why not?" so i did. and after a little while he accepted or whatever. but last night was the first night we were both on at the same time. so i you know try to make simple conversation, what's up and stuff. and he said he was dealing with immature people and how it was annoying. he was just giving me simple answers. then i told him that if he ever wanted to vent or talk about it to someone who knows absolutely nothing about what is going on, feel free to talk to me. and he was so grateful, in his words: "AWUEHSDIXKJLCMFSDFSIOJDOXKF thank you thank you. i really appreciate that." but he said he wasn't in the mood to rant, so i continued trying to make small talk you know. until he says "i dont know i just wanna cry atm.." so i offered to listen to him talk again, or just leave him alone. and he said thank you and such again, and then he offered the same to me. i said maybe i would tell him about my life. and he said that it would help take his mind off of stuff. so i basically wrote him a novel about stuff in my life, nothing that i haven't mentioned in here. and he said the quote that i posted yesterday after we talked for a few more minutes. then he shared his life with me. this poor boy, people have not been good to him. we talked for like another 40 minutes. of course it was late and i knew that i should go to sleep but i wasn't just going to leave him in that state. i wouldn't leave anyone like that. sometimes you just need someone to talk to. who knows what would have happened if i just left after he told me all of that?

now you might think i'm crazy cause this is the second guy i have talked to online but it's not like the whole creepy stalker thing. this is just a teenage boy who is getting all tangled up in life. and if me, just a stranger communicating through the internet, can help make his life a little bit better, than i'm going to do it, even if it means i lose an hour of sleep.

i'm planning on talking to him today to make sure he's okay. i don't want anything to happen to him. and the title of this is a quote from his tumblr that he posted after i went to sleep last night. but okay. i should go do some homework.

"why can't those people jsut be a little different. why can't they not have that one significant error in their personality. why can't they put forth a little more effort. why can't they see you."

just another day.
just another person.

The Big Crunch.

24.
37.
42.
101.

why did i want to be president of my 4h club?

i wish i hadn't. i just don't want to deal with it. the secretary sent me the newsletter so i sent it out, i don't want to fix and add a bunch of stuff. i don't want to receive and email with a list of everything i did wrong. i don't want to bother. why? because i'm a lazy teenager. instead of doing productive things i want to sit on my lazy butt all day, do nothing, and worry about insignificant things. so fuck off, i'm not going to worry about you now Stephanie and now the newsletter isn't good enough. why didn't you email bella? why do i have to do everything? it's just so stupid. i wish i decided not to be president. i hope the stupid colleges appreciate it when i can put "president of 4H club" on my application.

any good mood i had today has just vanished and now i'm in no mood to start homework.

happy first day of spring to you snow.

so today is the first full day of spring, yesterday it started at like 6 or something. so spring today. but it's snowing. it actually snowed a good amount and it all stuck. All the trees are covered in the snow. The driveways are covered with snow. There is just snow everywhere. Last week I was wearing short sleeves. Yesterday I got sun burnt. Blah, I hate the snow. Just go away now.

Today was the blood drive at school. I remember talking about it yesterday and how I thought people were just doing it because well, let me just look it up. okay here you go "there was a Red Cross blood drive at my school a few days ago. WOAH. i'm not against giving blood AT ALL. it just seemed like a lot of the kids were doing it because they wanted to "be a good person". they weren't doing it because it would save lives but because it would make them feel like they were being good or doing the right thing or whatever. and if they didn't weigh enough or didn't have enough iron they were all upset they couldn't give blood. maybe their intentions were in the right place but i was just under the impression that they just wanted to wear that sticker so everyone would know that they are a good person and they just helped safe a life." That's from March 12th 2010.

Today I helped at the blood drive. And when I say helped that means I stood next to people and talked to them as they were giving blood to just keep them company and make them not feel as freaked out. And then I would keep them company as they sat out their 15 minutes afterwards and give them snacks and stuff. I actually liked doing it, I had a lot of fun. I talked to people I don't normally talk to, like Devin, Cam, Eric, Dan, Tasha, and Michelle a bit. I liked it. I didn't mind seeing the blood and needles and stuff, as long as I knew it wasn't going into me. The only time I felt a little light headed was right after Abby was done giving blood and she was still laying down there. I felt it coming on, so I just left and went and talked to Steph. I don't know why it was then and not when I was talking to anyone else. Maybe it was because I was hungry? I don't know, because I was fine for the next hour that I didn't eat. But I liked hanging out and talking with Becca, Abby, and Steph. I was actually thinking about giving blood myself but then I realized that I had been out of the country recently so I couldn't. When I went to history class though the second I sat down I was just so exhausted. Like I could barely keep my eyes open. Probably because I was running around and doing stuff all day, I had to be positive and awake and upbeat for everyone giving blood. Then I was just so exhausted.

Um. I didn't really feel like people were doing it just because it made them feel like they were a better person today. I don't really know. But everything went okay. I missed not eating at second lunch cause I told Josh that I was going to and he seemed excited, as excited as you can seem from a text. But that's alright, I didn't mind eating later. I just ate everyone else's food. I think I ate food from six different people today. I consider that a success.

What else? I might go see Holyoke High put on Hairspray, i wanted to go see it Thursday but that was when I thought we had a late start on Friday but it's actually Tuesday through Thursday. I might go then anyways, because the other day I could go is Sunday but Abby can't go that day. So yeah it's looking like Thursday. if I really wanted to push it, I could try to go the same day that Josh goes but he probably won't go Thursday since he has martial art, so yeah that probably won't happen.

I'm really cold. The heat's turned up though. And I have my jacket on. Ah I should go do homework so then I can chill until Pretty Little Liars. I think I'll start homework 4ish. Until then, tumblin I go.

Life's moving really fast right now.

I think I'm going to handle this blog by making it a sort of list.

- I have something going on every weekend coming up. Tomorrow I have the parade, today I had my riding lesson, I wrote an essay, then I went out to dinner (which I looked fabulous at by the way), and then Friday I had my lesson, ate dinner in two seconds, then went to the play. And next weekend I have regionals, then the weekend after that I'm competing at Zones if I make it, if I don't I'll go support my team anyways. Then the weekend after that I have 4H State stuff. Then I have three weekend and then it's the big AP test/prom/horse show weekend. That's so quick. Like so quick.

- Prom's starting to scare me because it's so close. I feel like I need to have a dress. I'm afraid that before the prom taking pictures and stuff is going to be weird or I won't get to do it with my friends. I probably won't. It will probably be either I go with Abby, Colin, and whoever else is with that. Or I go with Katelyn and Mollie. Or somehow we all end up together. I don't know. And then if I"m going to go with someone. I do want to. It seemed obvious two days ago that I might end up going with Josh but then what if I went to Adam? Or I go with no one, and I would. I'm going no matter if I go with someone or not. The actual "proming" is the scary part, I think when we get there and settle down we'll have a really good time. It's just coming up so soon.

- It's going to be summer. What am I going to do all summer? I'm pretty sure I'm not horse showing. So I am probably going to get a job. I would love to go to Boston for the summer, and I mentioned that at my dad's birthday dinner, and my mom seemed to support the idea and I don't think my dad liked it at first but he seemed more used to it by the end of the conversation. But that's soon too. How is that going to work out? Do I have to figure that all out now? And what's my relationships going to be like with all my friends then? Am I going to want to go away all summer? Right now I really want to but what if that changes?

- I didn't get Adam's number today because my lesson ran late and I only saw him at one point right when he was finishing and I was with Sam and I just didn't say anything thinking I would see him again, but I didn't. I'm not worried about that because I'll say something in study hall on Monday. I'm not as nervous thinking about talking him or whatever. He's probably more nervous than I am. But at some point today I felt rushed, like I should have gotten his number already. Like it's too late. And then I felt that way with Josh too, like our relationship should be more than just texting each other everyday, i should be talking to him in school and we should be doing something out of school. I don't know why I felt rushed, but suddenly I felt like that part of my life was going really slow when everything else was going fast.

- College. Every once and a while I'll be like "I haven't seen any colleges yet, I need to do that." But I'm not feeling the real pressure yet. If it's June and I still haven't seen any yet then I'll feel a bit worried. I was planning on seeing some during April Break when we go down to Auntie Lorrie's but apparently my dad has some plan to bring us someplace else during April Break so that might not happen. I think the feeling like I'm falling behind with the college search, even though I'm not, is because Josh has already gone to see two and I'm just like yeahhh...i have a list? And then my mom was talking about it today too and it's like it's happening so fast.

- I just got a sudden feeling of being overwhelmed. Like everything just came crashing down on me there and now I sort of feel like crying. I don't know why. I haven't talked to Abby in forever and then I don't know what to talk to her about when I text her. I feel like I'm just texting Josh nonsense all the time. I feel like I'm not doing enough yet I'm doing too much. Did you know that my dad's friend/work partner guy's sons can't go on the internet or use the computer except for school and they don't have cellphones? All they do is school work and you know productive stuff. They're both really talented apparently. I wonder what it's like for them. I wonder if they feel overwhelmed and stressed. I would like to talk to them. Maybe it's better like that. What if I gave up all electronics? Well I would never talk to Josh. I would barely talk to Abby. I wouldn't get distracted during my homework. I would read more. I would be forced to talk to Josh and Abby more out of school because I couldn't tell them things via texts but still that wouldn't be a lot. Maybe I should do that. Nah, why would I do that?

- I don't know what else to write about now. I don't feel like that helped at all. What was I expecting to get out of this? Maybe that this feeling in my stomach would go away. It's still there, if anything it's worse. I don't even know what it is. I want to talk to someone about this but I don't even know how to explain it, so it would be pointless even mentioning anything. Like I don't know where I'm going with the conversation with Abby about me going to Boston over the summer. Earlier today and yesterday I was feeling great, like I was on top of the world, but now I just sunk right back down to where I was last week. My mind needs to shut up. Why do I feel like crying again? This sucks. This needs to stop. I don't know how to make it stop.

- Oh on a good note I want to talk about Bella. You know how she was in the text-only relationship? Well she broke up with him. Thank God. He's a handful. Ever since the breakup he's posted crazy emotional statuses, want to hear one? "You left me in the dark, no matter how much i call out. you arnt coming bk. i see you lurking behind your curtain. answer me. the pain is unbearable. come out, for we were meant together.
- Okay I'm in a better mood now. So I'm going to stop this very long blog post now. It's 10:18pm in case you were wondering.

i'm so tired.

i should be in bed. but i probably won't have time to write tomorrow, or i shouldn't because i should be doing homework because i have a certain amount of time to do homework this weekend because who knows how long the parade will last on sunday.

but i thought today was going to be a bad day. i was exhausted all day but you know the test went fine, the spanish presentation went fine, and i just got through another week. and i talked to Adam in study hall today, i told him that he has to look at the board i made at the barn, i don't know if i told you about that, but i'm not going to now. and then i talked to him at the barn. i was helping to set up jumps and he was getting shavings and i asked him if he had Mr. Dewitt and if he finished all his IDS and had the test today. and he asked me about AP. and i liked how he stopped what he was doing and looked at me and talked to me. he wasn't still working, he stopped and acted like talking to me was the most important thing right now. that's something little but i really liked that. i had to tell him that i would let him keep working so he wasn't here forever. but the best part was when i finished Pride's stall he was finishing up his last stall and i told him about how the bus driver wouldn't let us get on the bus and we had to walk, and how i just finished my last driving appointment so soon i would have my lesson. and he asked me where i went to driving school and we said how Kurt is awesome. and i asked him how long he had had his license for, then said, long enough to legally drive people? and he said yeah, and i said we should have had you give us a ride. and he said if i ever needed a ride. and i said i didn't have his number or anything and he said he would give it to me. but he didn't have his cellphone with him and he didn't know his number, so i asked if he was going to be here tomorrow, and he said he would, so i said he could then. and then we talked about regionals. and he asked what i was doing this weekend and that was pretty much it.

look at me. all grown up, asking guys for their number. i never actually asked Josh for his, Abby just sort of gave it to me. and yeahhh maybe he just said he didn't have his phone and didn't know his number, but i don't think Adam would have done that, he wouldn't have offered to give me a ride in the first place, and he wouldn't have offered to give me his number. so.

it's not wrong of me to be talking to Adam, not at all. i'm not going out with Josh. not at all. i just text him every night, or he texts me every night. if i don't text him before 8 o'clock then he has always texted me. but that's pretty much it. so i don't see anything wrong with talking to Adam, especially since he is the same thing Josh is, a friend.

i'm glad i talked to him though. i like Adam. and now i have a reason to definitely go to the barn tomorrow.

also, i love it when my mom tells me to slow down but she was going that speed there earlier today. but you know, you just bite your tongue and don't say anything.

and now i'm really going to sleep. like legit, i'm going to shut down my computer, go upstairs, get in my pjs, and sleep. then i'm going to wake up in the morning and go get a boy's phone number. it's all cool.

i'm just so awesome.

TOMORROW'S FRIDAY.

this entire week i have stayed up until 10:30 i'm so exhausted. i should go to sleep. but i wanted to post this. and i just don't want to go to sleep. but tomorrow's friday so i can sing Rebecca's song all day! yesss!

i'm pretty sure my phone has just stopped receiving text messages because neither Abby nor Josh have texted me, jk, i just got a bunch of texts from them now. greattt, i'm glad you're working now phone, why couldn't you when they actually sent those texts? but anyways now i get to text them for a while longer before i actually go to sleep.

i didn't wear green today and it's st. patrick's day. i'm such a rebel. last night when i was deciding what to wear i actually picked out a shirt with green without remembering it was st. patrick's day but then i remember and i just didn't want to. my mom said i'm going to get pinched by a leprechaun. come at me, bro. today at school i was glad i didn't wear green. because in homeroom and pretty much all day i heard "you're not wearing green!" "i'm part Irish" "my grandmother's dad is from Ireland" and i'm just like "my dad grew up in Ireland, my relatives still live in Ireland, I've been there about six times, I'm wearing a necklace from Ireland right now that my grandmother sent me, SO TAKE THAT." it's just annoying that i'm Irish every day but then today everyone seems to be Irish. And it's all green and lahalahala. It's never annoyed me before, but this year for some reason it did.

i really should go to sleep now so i don't fall asleep during the play tomorrow night, or during my AP test, or during my spanish presentation. thank goodness it's friday or else i might go crazy.

2 more things to add to my to-do-in-my-life-list

first of all, you can cross off finish my driving appointments because that is now done and hopefully in a month I'll have my driver's license. ahh scary.

but first. i want to go to the hampshire county jail. not be thrown in jail. i just want to see what it's like. i see jails on tv and in movies but i want to see what one is like in person. i want to see the people, what they look like. i wonder if they look like criminals or if they just look like me and you. i'm really curious, that's all.

the second thing. i want to take all the letters sent to Santa and read all the lists. Then I'll pick the most expensive item on the list, buy it, and then send it to the house as soon as possible, addressed to the parents. That way I know the child will get something on his or her Christmas list. If the parents already bought it, then they can return it or sell it or give it to someone else. But think of all the kids who send letters to Santa but don't get what they want to Christmas. And what about the ones that don't send letters? That's one thing I would love to do.

I had thought of the letters to Santa thing a while ago but I was just reminded when I saw a post on Tumblr. It said how this little girl's dog died, so the little girl wrote a letter to God telling Him what her dog likes to do and she included a picture so He knew what her dog looked like. Then she got a letter back with a package with the book "When a Pet Dies" and a letter. And it was just the sweetest thing ever. I would love to be able to do that for some little kid.

hi, some random things for you.

1st. i put together a whole presentation in 3 hours. it was pretty good. but i didn't go because we ran out of time. but when i practiced it was pretty good. i think part of the reason i procrastinated was just so i can say i did it all in one day. maybe that isn't something to be proud of, procrastination i mean. but i'm pretty darn proud of finishing it in 3 hours.

2nd. Maura is watching Glee right now and I'm not. Why not? Because she started it before I got home and she was half way through so i didn't make her rewind it and start it over. But I can hear it. And it's killing me. My music is up so loud and I'm listening to the same songs over and over again. "Happily Ever After" and "All About Us" both by He is We and my song "Oh, Darling" which is my love. And gahhh. So I can't start it until it's over, which will be 9, and then i won't finish it until close to 10, and then i have to take a shower, then it will be 10:30. I should have taken a shower right when I got home. Ah

Glee then was available to watch.

Now it's 9:56 and I must finish this post.

I love Glee. Minus when they attack Republicans, cause that episode had more of that than I would have liked. But when they sing. I love it. Gah. I wish I could sing like them. And Kurt and Blaine? I love them both. "I think it's adorable, and I think you're adorable." Ahhahahahhahh.

3rd. We saw a preview of the play today. And Abby, I know how you feel when you see them up there and you're just like "that could be me, I would be right there, if only I had stuck it out." Yep. I did it with Irish dancing. It sucked even more because I saw Maeve doing everything that I would have done. She picked out her dress. She designed it. She danced in front of everyone. She felt amazing winning that 1st. She felt beautiful. And I just sat at home on my computer. Yeah it sucks. For the longest time I wished I had continued irish dancing, I don't think about it as much now because Maeve stopped too. But still I wonder how good I would be now if I had stuck with it. Now I'm really wishing I had. I would be able to show off in front of everyone and people would come and watch me dance. They would see me looking gorgeous in my dress and my hair all nice with my wig and they would be amazed at what I can do. That doesn't happen when I ride. Blah, this was supposed to help Abby feel better about quitting the musical but all it's done is make me feel worse about quitting Irish dancing and I haven't thought about that in forever. ):

I need to go to sleep though, I said my goodnights. Goodnight.

I can't wait until 2015.

Then on March 14th it will be 3-14-15 which is pi, 3.1415.
Where will I be in 2015? JUNIOR IN COLLEGE BABY. I better not forget about this fabulous day then.

Oh Darling.

This is the only song I've listened to since I got home. I am sort of in love with it. I'm going to listen to it again as I look at these lyrics. It's called Oh Darling and it's by Plug In Stereo. Okay here we go. Oh and just so you know, alternating paragraphs are the boy and girl singing. So the first paragraph is the guy singing, then it's the girl. But then sometimes they alternate lines. It's a duet. You should just go listen to it. Now I have to restart it.

You seem quite nice for a girl with good looks
And I’m the kinda fellow that’ll make you feel better when your life gets shook
So give it a chance according to your plans
I bet I'm not number one on your list to kiss, but please understand

You seem quite shy, but you’re oh so cute
And I’m the kind of girl that would love to be yours if you asked me to
So just take a chance, try to hold my hand
I swear I’d never let go
Just let me know if you’d be my man

I really want to come out and tell you
Oh darling, I love you so
If you’d ask me for my heart, there’s no way that I’ll say no
Oh darling, just take a chance please
So we can stay together till hell starts freeze

You seem quite right for a boy like me
And I wanna know would you treat me well
Would you treat me like a queen
Cause I’d like to show you and make you see
That although we’re different types
We were meant to be

I really want to come out and tell you
Oh darling, I love you so
If you’d ask me for my heart, there’s no way that Ill say no
Oh darling, just take a chance please
So we can stay together till hell starts freeze

So I gotta ask you,
I cant be afraid
I gotta take a chance at love
So what do you say

Oh darling, I love you so
If you’d ask me for my heart, there’s no way that Ill say no
Oh darling, just take a chance please
So we can stay together till hell starts freeze

Oh darling, I love you so
If you’d ask me for my heart, there’s no way that Ill say no
Oh darling, just take a chance please
So we can stay together till hell starts freeze

Goodness, this is probably one of the best songs, if not the best song, I've heard in a while.

I'm in a better mood now.

Sorry about that. I'm a girl you know? I have raging hormones and mood swings all the time. But I'm in a good mood. The bad mood pretty much left half way through dinner when my sisters decided to speak in an Irish accent. And then it got better when Josh texted me. If I don't text him first he always texts me around 7:30 with a nice little "Hi =)" and then after I say I'm going to sleep and say goodnight he always says "Alright, goodnight =)" I don't know why he does this, but I'm glad he does. This meaning a range of things 1) texting me 2) saying Hi =) every time 3) saying alright, goodnight =) almost every time. Yesterday he did something a little bit different but his text made me smile, he said, "Alright, goodnight, sleep tight =) (I rhymed XD)". Anyways now I really do have to go to sleep, I told him I was going to sleep 15 minutes ago, and it's 10 now and I still have to get in the shower. Tomorrow should be a good day, Katelyn's not going to be there, so I get to see what it's like walking through the hallways by myself. I better pick out a good outfit. And I have listened "Not Your Birthday" by Allstar Weekend 12 times since I downloaded it yesterday, make that 13. I just really like this song. Alright another random paragraph with nothing important in it done and over with. Goodnight. (:

my mood just went from okay to fucking awful in less than two seconds.

oops i sweared. who gives a shit? i just realized i have to do my vocab homework and i'm about to do it and my mom asks me to clear the table. it's full of Maeve and Maura's shit. none of it is mine. i have to clean it anyways. so i move it all off the table then i set it. what are they doing while i'm cleaning up all their shit? they're outside having a fun old time. sure i could go out with them but i wouldn't have fun. i would probably just piss them off because that's all i do. that and scroll on tumblr. why would i want to do anything else?

my house is going crazy. we're starting to get snappy. and upset. maura just woke up and it's 12:49. my dad got up a half an hour ago. i'm sick of doing ids, i only have 9 left, i could finish them today. i have to do VHS stuff. i have to do my visual presentation. i'm sick of doing "nothing" yet always having something to do, that i don't want to do.

weekends are supposed to put you in a good mood, right? well not for me, they just make me feel worse. maybe if i finish these IDS, work on VHS stuff, work on my visual presentation, then i'll maybe go outside and do something cause it's so nice. nahhh i'll probably go on tumblr.

my jams for the day.

Not My Birthday by Allstar Weekend

Every Clock is ticking faster
Taking trips around the sun
Another year, another chapter
5 and 4 and 3 and 2 and 1

Drop your calls, lose your keys
Before the night is gone
Get yourself out your seat
oh oh
Quit your bitchin move your feet
Until the break of dawn
Cause nobody really cares about the day that you were born

Except for everyone who ruins your birthday
You gotta party like its not, party like its not
This songs for anyone who is having the worst day
You gotta party like its not, party like its not

oh o oh
Party like its not, party like its not
Like its not your birthday
Party like its not, party like its not
oh o oh
Party like its not, party like its not
Like its not your birthday
Party like its not, party like its not
oh o oh

Take a moment of the good life
Chase it down until you fall
365 nights
Why just one if we can have them all

Drop your calls, lose your keys
Before the night is gone
Get yourself out your seat
oh oh
Clap your hands, move your feet
Until the break of dawn
Cause nobody gives are damn about the day that you were born

This songs for everyone who ruins your birthday
You gotta party like its not, party like its not
This songs for anyone who is having the worst day
You gotta party like its not, party like its not
oh o oh

Party like its not, Party like its not,
Like its not your birthday
Party like its not, party like its not
oh o oh
Party like its not, party like its not,
Like its not your birthday
Party like its not. party like its not
oh o oh

Ok lets loose control
I wanna see everybody on the floor
Well go and send your invitations
Do it now cuz time is wastin
Life is tough so loosen up
Dj turn that weekend up
Get down, get loud
Everybody stand up, everybody go nuts
Throw your hands up
Ok, Check it out, heres the plan
We gonna dance till we can not stand
Move your feet to every beat
O Crap, bring it back, put it on repeat
When the crowd goes wild then you know its on
If you wanna party then heres your song
Its alright its ok
Its not even my birthday!

Party like its not, party like its not
Party like its not, party like its not
Like its not your birthday
Party like its not, party like its not
oh o oh
Party like its not, party like its not

This songs for everyone who ruins your birthday
You gotta party like its not, party like its not
This songs for anyone who is having the worst day
You gotta party like its not, party like its not
oh o oh
(Like its not your birthday)
Party like its not, party like its not
(Like its not your birthday)
Party like its not, party like its not
oh o oh
(Like its not your birthday)
Party like its not, party like its not
(Like its not your birthday)
Party like its not, party like its not
oh o oh

Golden Forever by The Wanted

Say my name like it's the last time,
Live today like its your last night,
We want to cry but we know its alright,
Cause I'm with you and your with me,
Butterflies, butterflies..we were meant to fly,
You and I, you and I... colors in the sky,
We could rule the world someday, somehow
But we'll never be as bright as we are now.

We're standing in a light that won't fade,
Tomorrow's coming but this won't change,
Cause some days stay gold forever.
The memory of being here with you is one
I'm gonna take my life through,
Cause some days stay gold forever.

Promise me you'll stay the way you are,
Keep the fire alive and stay young at heart,
When the storm feels like it could blow you out
Remember, you got me and I got you..
Cause we are butterflies, butterflies... we were meant to fly,
You and I, you and I... colors in the sky,
When the innocence is dead and gone,
these will be the times we look back on.

We're standing in a light that won't fade,
Tomorrow's coming but this won't change,
Cause some days stay gold forever.
The memory of being here with you is one I'm gonna take my life through,
Cause some days stay gold forever.

I won't, I won't let your memory go
Cause your colors they burn so bright,
Who knows, who knows what tomorrow will hold
But I know that we'll be alright

Butterflies, butterflies... we were meant to fly,
You and I, you and I... colors in the sky,
We could rule the world someday, somehow
But we'll never be as bright as we are now.

We're standing in a light that won't fade,
Tomorrow's coming but this won't change,
Cause some days stay gold forever.
The memory of being here with you is one I'm gonna take my life through,
Cause some days stay gold forever.

I don't think these lyrics are completely correct but I'm not going to listen to them and type the lyrics out myself so. You get the idea. But these are my songs for the day. Today wasn't actually all that horrible, mostly because I had a pretty good lesson. I rode the two hardest horses and I actually did well. I rode them. I don't have any reason to be afraid to ride them because I can. I did today. So that gave me a bit of a confidence boost. What did I do the rest of the day? Nothing. What do I have planned for tomorrow? Nothing. Whatever, that's old news.

I'm really just an awkward girl. Example? Adam cleans stall every Saturday at the barn and every time he comes I'll always say Hi to him and he'll says say Hi back and then I'll never say anything else. Remember back in the summer when I use to just hang around and talk to him? I miss that. What happened? Is it because it's school time now? It's cold and I don't want to stand around anymore? Is it because whenever I see him at the barn Maeve or my mom are around? Is it because I'm just more of a chicken now? He's in my study hall now too and I never talk to him in there. Thats partially because there are only six of us and we're always so quiet and no one ever talks, and partially because I never know what to say. I don't know, I still think he would be a good friend. I messed that up apparently. I'll probably mess up my friendship with Josh too. The only friendships that I haven't messed up yet are Abby's and Dana's. Every other one of my friends, I've messed it up at some point. Katelyn and I are just completely messed up. Mollie and Sarah I ditched for a few years and just this year we've really started talking about. Becca thinks I hate her, or she did for a while. I don't know what happened with Ally but I don't really care. Alaina and Shannon are long gone. I never talk to Danny from driving school any more. I seen my babygroup friends in years. I've messed up my friendship with Bella countless times but somehow we are still friends. Who else? Danielle and I used to be sort of friends, never talk to her. I used to talk to Anna a bit, never talk to her. I used to be really good friends with Stephanie, but now I never talk to her, I messed that friendship up somehow. I'm sure its me, because if they wanted to be friends with me they would have tried harder, or I should have tried harder to stay friends with them.

How did this blog turn from my jams for the day into talking about all the friendships I've messed up? Yep, just a lovely awkward girl. Actually that lovely could be debated. Alright going to shut up now.

A typical teenage problem...that I don't have.

So let's see if you can agree with me on this. Most teenagers are out doing things all the time, so they barely get a chance to relax and see their family. The teenager could view this as a problem, or it's more the parents who have a problem with this, or both.

Yeah I don't have that problem. I have the exact opposite problem. I see my family too much. I'm home too much. This entire week has consisted of me coming over after school, minus my riding lesson, then having dinner with my family. We eat dinner every single night together. We are with each other every single night. Last weekend? Let me think. Did I go out one night? Wow, that's different. Then Saturday? Oh right, I spent the entire day with my family. Sunday? Spent the day with my family, shocker.

Sure, maybe in the future I will treasure the time I spent with my family, but right now? I see them too much. I don't do anything. This is supposed to be the time when you have no worries so you go and have fun. I don't have many worries, minus a few school-related stupid things, but I don't do anything fun. Once IEA is done I am going to do NOTHING. I don't have a riding lesson twice a week, I won't ride at all actually. Then APUSH will pretty much be over and I'll barely have any homework so more time to do NOTHING.

I know I shouldn't be complaining since this is so insignificant and I should be so happy that I have a family to do things with. I'm just pissed off that I don't do anything. It's my own fault. My fault for not having more friends to do things with. My fault for not getting my driving appointments done so I could have my license. My fault for selling my horse. My fault for quitting babysitting. My fault for not getting another job. My fault for not being more exciting. My fault for being a boring person.

I'm just annoyed and frustrated. Thank God for tumblr or else I don't know what I would do with all this free time because that's all I have. Stupid free time. And nothing to do with it. Let's see this weekend? Tonight I'm going to eat dinner with my family and do homework, tomorrow? Riding lesson, more homework, eat dinner with my family, and spend the whole day with them. Sunday? Let's see, more homework, spend the day with my family, and do nothing else.

Why am I so boring? Why I am so stupid? Actually I'm not stupid. My math teacher even said that people would die to have my brain in math. I got an almost perfect score one of the sections of PSATs. I thought I was failing APUSH but I really have a 77 which will go up to an 80 by the end of the quarter, then I'll be on honor roll like I have for all my life. Yeah I'm smart. Doesn't that come with territory though? You're smart so you stay home and do homework all the time. Oh well then.

I'm sick of this blog post. I think I'm going back to tumblr, or going to look at colleges online, or do APUSH homework. HA. my life is a joke currently.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

I just got that joke now. Like legit. I've been seeing something on tumblr that says this: "Person One: I've heard this joke at least a million times in my life so far, but just 2 minutes ago I finally got it. For about 13 fucking years have I known this joke, but never actually got it. How the fuck do I proceed with my life from now one? Person Two: Wait, wait, wait. I think I just got it too. What the fuck. They don't mean other side of the road. They mean death - the after life. What the fuuuuuuck."

I have seen that on tumblr for a few days now, several times each day, and I haven't gotten it. I'm like how is a road going to bring you to the after life? Like you have to cross a road and it leads you to death? Like the road to heaven?

Then I got it. If a chicken crosses the road, then he will be hit by a car, the chicken will die, and now the chicken is on the other side. Not the other side of the road, the other side as in he's dead. Oh my goodness. That is such a morbid joke. Why do little kids tell it? Why is it such a widespread joke?

My life has just been changed dramatically with this piece of knowledge. I will remember this for the rest of my life.

Ah anything else I have to say now just seems insignificant.

But I do just want to keep this text on the records because it's the first one that's made me smile in a while: "Hi =) I can't really talk now, have a music lesson soon, and then i have to drive home, but id love to talk to you when i get back home =)"

Now he just has to talk to me in school. Or I guess, I have to talk to him...

Does this make me a bad person?

"I have never felt so alone in my entire life. I just honestly cannot even function. Absolutely nobody has made any effort to talk to me except for Paige and Ben, and that was only for an hour today. All of my fucking friends are as fake as fuck.

I just need someone who will actually be there for me. Oh look, but there won’t. Because clearly, why would someone? I’m not even easily to deal with: my moods change very quickly, I have absolutely zero positive thoughts, I have no motivation, clearly nothing there for any sort of friendship." - Katelyn's blog under the "Read More" option.

Does that make me a bad person? Does it make me a bad person because I'm not there for her? Because I ditched her Sunday? Because I really don't care? Because I am pretty much fake to her? I spend more than 80% of my school day with her, yet I'm not that good of a friend to her. Am I supposed to? Even if I don't like her? Is it bad to just sort of have her there because I don't want to be alone in the 6 classes I have with her? I'm sure she does the same thing to me.

But I know how she feels, which makes me feel worse. But still everything she said is true, she is so negative, she makes me feel bad sometimes, she makes jokes that aren't funny, and she isn't the greatest friend. To me at least. Still. Should I be there for her? Should I have done something to make it so she never wrote this post? Probably but I don't want to. Does that make me selfish? Or does that mean I'm just looking for myself?

It's not like I'm being mean to her, I just don't spend any more time with her than I have to. But yeah. New topic.

I think my mother might have the URL to my tumblr. Why would I know that? Because I installed this thing on my blog so I can see who's on my blog. And from this internet you see all the times I've been on because it says its from a mac on chrome, but then from the same IP address is someone on a Windows on Internet Explorer, which is what the computer in the computer room is. So I think I'm going to have to change my URL. I don't want to, but I'm going to. Maybe I'll just add a "-" or something. Or maybe I'll change it completely. I'll think about it and ask Abby when she gets out of work tonight. Now it's dinner.

Today really sucks.

Apparently my mom didn't want me to stay home from school. I didn't know that because I decided not to go to the college fair after she was asleep but my dad said it was okay. So now I really wish that I never said I was going to the fair and I just went to school today. I hate making my mom upset.

I also realized I never posted on the English blog that was due on Friday. And I forgot my spanish journal at school. And I feel horrible for lying to Katelyn saying I'm sick. And I just want to crawl into a hole and never come out.

What should I do tomorrow?

My choices are go to the college fair, don't go the college fair, go to school. Now I'll go through the pros and cons of each.

I told Katelyn I would go to the college fair with her, then I said my dad wanted to go so, so he's going to bring me tomorrow. But I went to this college fair last year and after looking through the colleges it seems sort of pointless because there are only four that I am somewhat interested in and I talked to them last year. It seems like a waste to wake up early just to go and get some brochures. But then Katelyn will be all like "you said you were going to go" and be upset that I didn't go. But I shouldn't let Katelyn control my life.

If I don't go to the college fair and just stay home, I'll be able to sleep in as late as I want. Then I can do homework, but there is the chance that I'll just be lazy and not get any work done because I'll go on facebook and tumblr. Then I'll probably have my riding lesson. Then if I didn't do my homework I'll have to do it.

If I go to school I'll have to wake up early and all my teachers don't think I'm going to be there. There isn't going to be anyone there anyways. But Abby and Josh are going to be there. So we could all just end up hanging out and doing nothing all day. Gah. I wish I had never agreed to go to the college fair with Katelyn, that way I could have just went to school like normal. Plus, I might have a chance of doing homework at school. But it's past 10 and if I wake up early I'll be tired, but I can deal with that. I could go into school late but that seems even more pointless.

So this didn't help me much. All it did is make me want to go to the college fair less, making staying home seem kind of boring, and going to school seem like the best option. That would cause more comotion because if Katelyn hears that I went to school instead of going to the college fair she would want to know why because I told her I was going to the fair and I don't want to wake up. At least if I stay home I can just say that I wasn't feeling good. I probably will just end up staying home because I'm lazy and I made this mess for myself. Going to the college fair sounded like a good idea last week, now not so much. Stupid Molly.

Guess what I'm about to do?

Procrastinate. I'm going to do all my homework tomorrow. I'm skipping school because the rest of my class is going on a field trip but it was already filled so instead i'm staying home. Fabulous. Well I'm going to a college fair then maybe having a riding lesson then doing homework. So I'm going to be doing stuff. I was supposed to go to the college fair with Katelyn but instead my dad is going to bring me because I don't want to go with her. Ha to her.

What I have for homework this weekend: Read an article and summarize it for history, two pages for my journal in spanish, and then a million IDSs because I'm behind on those and I'm going to stress on those, and VHS which I actually wouldn't mind doing now.

Such a lazy person. I look good today. I went to a horse seminar thing. I took a shower and didn't have time to dry my hair before we left so I just put it up in a bun and I put on my new "LOVE" sweater/shirt thing and I actually look really good. Of course, when it doesn't matter if I look good. Then yesterday when I went to history day and saw a ton of kids from my school I did not look good. Whatever.

Hopefully dinner is ready soon, I'm hungry. This was pointless. Stop being so boring Molly.

i wish there was something i had that i was so passionate about. i would want to work at it all the time to get better, it wouldn't even seem like work.

like dancing, i would practice the routine over and over again. i would dance around for fun. i would love it so much and i would be really good at it. when people watched me dance they would see my effort and time and love for it. but that didn't happen, i did Irish dancing and I quit. Then I want to one of Katelyn dance classes and it was horrible, but that could have just been the teacher, but I seriously was no good.

like singing, i would sing everything, and sing that one song over and over again until i got it right. people would want me to sing because they would love hearing my voice and they knew how much i loved singing. but that didn't happen, i was in chorus but i'm no good at singing.

like playing an instrument, i would practice it all the time, i would learn new songs just for fun. when people heard me play they would know that i was good and they would know i was good because i loved it and played it all the time. but that didn't happen, i played the piano but had to stop because my teacher got pregnant, and then when i try to learn a new song i always give up and don't keep trying. and i like the drums but i'm really not that good at it, honestly, i'm not.

like drawing, i would always have a pen or pencil in my hand and would be drawing something. people would look at my pictures and see how much i put into making it and they would love them, they would want me to draw all sorts of things for them. but that didn't happen, i don't have the natural ability to just draw and make it look nice. i can draw somewhat but they don't make you go "wow, that's amazing" and i don't love it enough to do it all the time.

like ceramics, i would be in the art room every chance i had making something, or glazing something. people would be amazing that i was able to make that out of just a slab of clay, they would be able to see the details and effort i put into it. but that didn't happen. i'm not all that good at making clay things. my elephants came out pretty good, but only some of them, and the rest of my stuff isn't all that fabulous, i've seen so much better. plus i'm not begging to go make something else.

like soccer, i would always have a soccer ball, practice, playing. people would watch me play and see my dedication and know that i was good because i wanted to be good and i tried to be good. that didn't happen, i quit soccer after i was the reason why my team lost. i was never that good at soccer.

what else is there? a bunch of different sports, instruments, art forms. i forgot writing. i'm not that good at that, am i? i haven't gotten an A on an essay this year in english, in history i think the highest i got was a B-. if i was a good writer i would be able to write anything. i can't. even this blog is a mess. it isn't well put together. my book that i wrote is horrible too, i know, i've read it. i would love for people to read anything i wrote and say "this is fabulous" but i've never heard that and i probably never will.

so now what else? i do well in school. what does that mean? that means i can learn information, prove that i learned it on a test, then forget it all. i'm really good at knowing exactly what i need to know and forgetting everything else. that doesn't mean i'm smart. that means throughout the years i've figured out how i work enough to get As. well not in history AP because i have a C in that class. so there you go. even my international business class, i put that off until the last day. if i loved it, i would get everything done as soon as possible.

i want a passion. that's what i really want. i don't have one. i want something to be passionate about. what is the definition of "passion." the ones i found that i like the best are "an intense desire or enthusiasm for something" and "a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything." i can't think of that.

OH i forgot riding. that should tell you right there that riding isn't my passion, because i genuinely forgot about it. i'm not an excellent rider. i can ride and ride well, but not fabulously. there are so many people better than me and who ride all the time because they love it. i don't love it. if i did i would be at the barn now and i wouldn't be selling my horse. but i'm at home and i'm selling my horse.

so i'm lacking a passion. and i think i'm really feeling that lack of something now. maybe that's part of the reason i'm in the dumps, i've never had a passion though so why is it affecting me now? who knows.

i think a lot of people look towards other people when they don't have a passion and they cling onto other people. i think i'm starting to do that. and i think i need to step back. i don't think it is always a bad thing to have a person who is sort of like a "passion." if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend who means the world to you and you know what you have is special, then first of all you are lucky, never let them go, no matter what anyone says. i think if you have that someone, sometimes you don't feel like you need a passion because you have someone there by your side and you aren't alone. and you know for sure that you aren't alone. but then again if you had that someone you could still be missing your passion.

let's bring it back to me because this is my blog, and that's what i do, i talk about myself. yeah i'm lacking a passion and it's hurting me. i sit here and i don't know what to do. there's nothing i want to do. it makes me feel depressed. so i look towards other people and ask them to make me feel better. i shouldn't do that. i need to look to myself to do that. right now i'm expecting too much from other people and when it doesn't happen it makes me feel worse. and i'm in a vicious cycle.

so how do i get out of this cycle of looking towards people to make me feel better, having them make me feel worse, but still looking towards them? i don't know. i really have no idea. i need something. i don't know if it is something to do or something inside or someone. i don't think it is someone. if it's something inside, i don't know what it is or how to get it. if it is something to do, i have no idea what. no idea.

i think maybe i can connect this bad feeling stuff to when i stopped taking care of Pride all the time, when i stopped riding him, and when i stopped caring. i had this thing in my life where i had to take care of a horse, and i wanted to. for a while. now that's gone. now i don't want to anymore. now i have nothing. nothing at all.

i need something. i don't know what. that's scary. this has been such a rough week.

it's 5:09 and i'm tired.

what else is new? meaning i'm always tired. tired about everything.

i woke up at 7 today to go to a bowlaton thing, which was kind of boring. then we went out to eat and then to Maeve's history day, which was really boring. it was just like when i went. pointless and boring. then i came home. i spent the whole day with Auntie Julie, i even rode in the car with her because i wasn't going to make her ride by herself and no one else would have gone in the car with her. so i did. it wasn't that bad. i'm just exhausted now. like i felt this tired at 9 o'clock last night, it's 5:17 now. no it didn't take me 8 minutes to write that, i just write some then go to tumblr, cause this is kind of boring too.

i really should do IDSs but i'm so tired i know that it won't go anywhere. i just want to snuggle up in front of the t.v. and do nothing for the rest of the night. that is actually extremely probable. abby's working. josh and nicole are at berkley and i texted nicole and she texted me back and then i texted her back, but that was like a half an hour ago and i haven't heard back so i don't think i will. i could text Dana to occupy me but i don't have anything to say to her. so another boring night for me. that's alright, i'm too tired to do anything anyways.

oh cute story. Auntie Julie and I were walking into the restaurant and in front of us was a dad with his son. the dad held the door open for us and the boy kept walking and there was another door. so he opened the door looked and saw that his dad was holding up the door for us, so he did the same. that little boy is so cute and fabulous. he is going to be the type of boy you want to go out with. he will treat everyone as they should be treated. he'll grow up into a good man.

i don't know why i like it so much when guys hold the door open. i feel like it is just a courteous gesture. like they're thinking of people other than themselves. now i'm not saying that if a guy doesn't hold the door open he's a douche, i won't think any less of a guy if he doesn't hold the door open, i'll just think more of him if he does.

okay it's getting dark in here so i think i am either going to turn on a light or shut my laptop and go watch tv. i pick the second option.

tonight is how nights are supposed to go.

today was a nice unstressful night. i went out with Abby and Nicole and apart from getting super tired towards the end it was good. i wish back in 8th grade i hadn't been a loser and i talked to Nicole. we still aren't really super close friends but that takes time. it takes me about a year to become good friends with someone, aboutish. well friends that last.

i liked tonight better than when we went out to justin bieber, i'm not sure why but yeah. it was nice and simple. and i'm really tired. i think i'm going to sleep soon. josh just needs to text me back so then i can tell him i'm going to sleep, then so i can go to sleep. blahbagahblah. tumblr until he does so.

I just discovered Taylor Mathew's youtube, correction: he finally posted it on his facebook. I was about to go to sleep. If I watch all those videos that's another 10 to 15 minutes. Oh well, I have something to look forward to tomorrow. Ahahagah. I love Taylor Mathews very much. And he poked me on facebook. I poked him first. And he pokes everyone back, but still he had to look at my name and say "Poke" to me. Fabulous. Love this kid. Ahgah. Going to sleep, maybe I'll dream of him again. I never told you about the other dream I had about him. Ah missed out on that story.

edit post: i was just looking at his video of Somewhere Over the Rainbow he just posted and he went and replied to everyone's comments and he is just so nice. ah i love him so much. but in that sense of love or whatever, i love him, okay? don't give me a hard time about it. now i am going to sleep cause i've already wasted 10ish minutes here. goodnight.

Listening to the PS22 Chorus sing Firework makes me smile.

on the bus writing about how i feel like crying again, great.

why do i feel like crying? nothing bad happened today, i have no reason to. i just feel so tired and sad i guess. i dont even know. im sick of katelyn really. and then i was at my locker after school and i was just getting my stuff and no one talked to me and i just suddenly felt sad and like crap. im feeling like crap lately. im feeling worthless and im wondering what the point is. not seeing it. then tomorrow ill go and watch schindlers list and feel even worse for complaining about my life when stuff like that happened. i guess im just going through a slump. i thought it would be over after vacation and i got back to school but it just got worse. ill just have to ride it out and try not to cry while im on the bus. why am i like this? why do i feel like crying? why am i acting so stupid? why am i even writing this on my phone? i dont know. i have no idea, okay? just blah.

so today was that day.

that day when i just broke down. luckily it was only in front of my mother. the only other plus side i can find in this day is three people complimented me on my shirt and i think i looked pretty good today until i you know started crying.

so school itself wasn't that bad until 7th period. it wasn't great either. oh one other good thing that happened is i didn't have to do my spanish oral because they ran out of time. but nothing good happened all day. then 7th period i got a 60 and 65 on my test and quiz and a C on my term paper. those 60s are the lowest i've gotten in that class, or on any test that actually matters. so right now my average in that class is probably in the 70s which maybe doesn't seem like that bad in an AP test but if that grade stays a 70 for report card time, that will be the first time i've gotten anything lower than an 80 on my report card. i've had 80s but a 79 is so much worse than an 80. it's different for everyone and for me yeah. i don't know if it sounds selfish or anything bad but that's how it is. so it sucked getting those grades back.

then i started saying how i had a lousy day which sort of made it seem worse in my head. i went to the barn after school for my lesson and i found out i wasn't going to be riding Max, who i was planning on riding, because i ride him too often. well he's the best horse at that barn. so i had to choose who to ride between Donnie, Tiger Eye, Revy, and Cloud. I didn't want to ride any of them so I picked Revy even though I rode him last Saturday and he bucked on my three or four times and i stayed on all ride. today i wasn't so lucky. before we even started trotting he bucked. then he did again within the first ten minutes and i fell off. yepppp. i fell off. and falling off sort of takes it out of you. so then i got on Donnie who is a hard horse to ride and i haven't ridden him in a long time. i think i would have been better if i hadn't just fallen off and i started on him. but i had a hard time on him. then Donnie was freaking out at the wind when we were just standing there so Carolyn had me get off and put him away. and now i'm really shaken up. so then i get on Cloud and he was zooming around, so the first jump course didn't go so great but the second one i managed to get it a little bit more under control. several times during this lesson i felt like breaking out in tears and i'm sure a few escaped but i managed to hold it together.

then i got in the car and started telling my mom about it and i started crying. i wasn't planning on telling her about the history grades but i said that i had a bad day and she asked if i had a bad day at school too and then i told her. so yeah i cried that whole ride home. and when i pulled into the driveway my father was there, and he normally isn't home that early, he gets home around dinner time. i really didn't want to deal with him. so i got home and went straight up to the shower. when maeve and maura saw me they instantly turned down their music. and then i went to get in the shower and the door to the shower was locked which just set me off. so i was banging on the handle, i didn't know my dad was up there and then he opened up the door and was like "is everyone okay?" and i just yelled back "yeah i'm fine" and i was just going crazy. so then i cried in the shower. and then after the shower i lied in my bed for another hour and texted Abby. then i finally went downstairs and ate food because my family had already eaten and did my homework. now i'm here.

so why did i break down? well combination of being sick of everything and what happened that day. i'm sick of feeling like i'm just an extra person. i'm just existing, i'm not living or being anyone important. i am trying to find purpose and reason. like I see Abby with Colin and she's so happy and I don't feel like Katelyn is even a friend with her comments like "slacker" that make me feel like crap but i can't do anything to get rid of her and i don't even have any other real close friends. but i didn't break down because of my friend situation, i think it was more internal like i just broke down and nothing more to it and i'm sick of talking about it so i'm not going to say anymore and just hope tomorrow is better.

and while i'm all worried about this, Percy Fuller died yesterday. i remember writing a blog about how they thought he only had 24 hours to live a while ago, well he woke up and asked for a glass of water and lasted until yesterday. he died in his sleep. i always remember what someone said about him, he's forgotten more about horses than we'll ever know. meaning that he knows so much, well knew. ):

and now i think i'm going to go to sleep. i'm so tired. really tired.

i'm in school.

i'm being a rebel and breaking the law.

i just wanted to say i'm so tired. like i'm having trouble keeping my eyes open right now. i don't want to do IDSs and I don't want Katelyn to keep me a hard time for only have 9 done and she's sitting right in front of me. today in spanish Heather asked me how many i had done and i said 10-15ish and Katelyn said "slacker." yeah SHUT THE HELL UP. getting all yours done early and bragging about it isn't doing anything for you, so just shut your mouth. i don't care if you meant it in a joking way because you probably didn't, you think i am a slacker. well i just do things different and i don't need your opinion if i'm a slacker or not.

now i'm going to do history homework and got off this site before i get caught.

late night posting.

right now i'm supposed to be heading up to bed so i can take a shower and go to sleep at a reasonable hour. instead i'm writing a blog post. stupid molly go to sleep. i have things i could talk about: Taylor Mathews, American Idol, "I have to talk to you later," VHS, tumblr, texting, other random thoughts. But i think i'm going to go to sleep. goodnight.