crying.

Now i am depressed. please don't cry, Molly.

this is the first new years in a long long time where i'm not staying up until midnight. i don't really care. i'm tired. last night was enough partying for me. and i'm not going to get all philosophical and think about 2013. tomorrow is just another day. i just have to take it one day at a time.

i'm so tired.
i was about to tell about what happened but ahhh exhaustion just hit me.
just come on Taylor, why do you make me like you so much?! you come sleep over my house, interact with my sisters more than me with (mostly because i'm just so starstruck still and don't even know what to say), and then just off you go to Syracuse and then back to California. blahhhh why are you such an amazing singer and amazing guy and so good looking?
i mentioned how my friends from Babson and I were talking about going to California for spring break to my mom and she was all excited and thought I should. even if i didn't end up going with any friends from Babson i could stay with Vivian who lives in Disneyland or my mom's friend Lisa or see if Lou would let me stay with her. and i would just hang out in Cali, hopefully be able to hang out with Taylor and i don't know. i still feel like Taylor and I will never be as good as friends as i would like.

and i feel freaking bad about not going to josh's but i really don't want to. all i want right now is to sleep and be home. i don't want to have to deal with driving there and deal with his family and have to be happy and make conversation with josh and plus i would get no sleep sleeping on the couch with him because it's just so uncomfortable and small. and i don't know what is going on with him because honestly i never feel the motivation to plan something to hang out with him. texting him and seeing him are becoming something i have to do, not something i want to do.

so tonight is new year's eve and i'm going to be in bed most definitely before midnight and i don't care about that whole midnight kiss thingy because honestly it's just another day.

i am seriously not lying right now. Taylor Mathews is sleeping on my couch as I sit on this kitchen table. no lie. i can't believe it either. don't worry.

slight turn of events...Taylor Mathews is in my house. like, what? i know, seriously i can't believe it.

so bummed out.
Taylor and his crew aren't getting to Boston until 4.
so i go to the baby shower and go up with Mommy, Maeve, Maura, and I guess now Bella - although I never really wanted her to come.
and then we will all just be there for the soundcheck and stuff.
disappointed.
so i really don't even get a birthday present out of that. that's just what we were going to do. so much for time with just me and Taylor. and i was all pumped because i would help the unload and hang out with them and help them get ready and stuff. now i'll probably just be standing awkwardly with my mom and sisters along with the 100 other girls who got VIP passes and get to come in at 4 as well. they were supposed to get there at 1 if i didn't mention that, and i was going to get there at the same time so i would have 3 hours of just hanging out.
seriously this sucks. now i have to get ready for the baby shower and i have no idea what to wear, i didn't think about this at all. whatever. i just want to go back to sleep. i'm not even excited for the concert anymore. trying hard not to cry because even though this is disappointed it's not worth crying over. especially since i don't know how it would have went if i got there early and i was nervous about it. and earlier i posted about how i should just do this - yeah that was my nervous anxiety self talking but i yelled at her and i was ready to go there by myself early. should have listened to my little nervous anxiety self.
i guess another reason why i really wanted to go because i wouldn't be seen as just one of the sisters. like i'm just clumped with "The Ronans." and i'm always more paranoid about what to say when my sisters and mom are around because they will remember and say later, "why did you say that?" i would like it if Taylor actually remember my first name. whatever. it doesn't matter. he is a big star now and what does he care about me? i have a boyfriend anyways, not that it matters that i've seen him over this vacation about as much as i've seen Taylor after this show. why the heck do i even like this kid Taylor so much anyways? why do i care? well i guess ask anyone why they like their favorite singer or actor or author or celebrity. this is normal right?
now i'm getting off topic. i'm still mad and upset. but i have to be happy and excited because i'm going to this baby shower. i guess at least i'll see my cousins. not that i'll really be able to talk to them because everyone else is going to want to be talking to them. now i need to shut up and just go get ready.

i really just want tomorrow to go well.
really really really want it to go well.

it's pretty much common knowledge that most teenage relationships don't last and that more and more parents are getting divorces or splitting.

that doesn't mean it hurts any less when they happen.

Josh and I almost broke up today.

That was fun.

i kind of really don't want to make a post. because i have been trying so hard to push away everything and this will just bring it back up. so i'll make it short and then i'll go to sleep.

it was so weird and sad calling my dad on the phone to say Merry Christmas to him. fuck, now i'm crying and i haven't cried all day.

and yesterday with my dad trying so hard, making dinner and getting christmas lights and a bunch of desserts. i can't. i'm sobbing now.

i need to think about something else.

oh about how Josh is all like, "seeing abby here makes me wish you were here" and i'm just like yeahhh no i don't wish i was there and i don't wish you were here. i'm happy being here with my family. and he is asking what i'm doing tomorrow and i haven't responded yet. ultimately i know i am going to see him but i don't want to go over his house and pretend like everything is fine. i'd rather be here with my family where we know we are broken and we know everything that is going on and we can just be together.

and then my Taylor Mathews present thing is that i get to miss the baby shower to go spend the day with him in Boston without my sisters or parents. which is great except i kind of wanted to go to the baby shower and it hasn't actually even been confirmed with Taylor or his tour manager, just his manager who lives in California - she is the boss but still. i don't know what we are going to do. it's probably going to be awkward and weird. i don't know if his sister is still on tour with him, i wouldn't mind hanging out with her and him, but i don't know if we also are going to be hanging out with the rest of his band and his tour manager. and it's just stupid. i'm just a fan whose mother has a bunch of money so she was able to buy his friendship. i'm not really his friend, even though i often call him my friend. i mean he is probably just going to spend the day with me because Marisa tell him to and because he knows my mom gave a bunch of money, not because he wants to.

and my horse is broken. i can only walk her around. and i still have a freaking cold. i keep coughing and have a runny nose and i'm exhausted.

but i am still so thankful for my sisters and my mom. thank you for giving me them or else i would be so lost.

ahhh i'm about to cry again. now i am.

merry christmas.

This Christmas eve is making me sick.

i just watched undercover boss and that's what i want to be able to do, give back to everyone. to the employees, to people who need some money, or just help out. ahhh i want to have that feeling of giving a lot to people.

i'm also excited for christmas now thanks to my mom. i wasn't excited until my mom hinted that i am getting something for Christmas involving Taylor Mathews. apparently i am going to be taken care of. it's probably something involving the 30th. and my mom said that i owe her. so now i'm just excited to find out what it is, she said i'll find out on Christmas. ahhh hopefully it is something really good and not awkward that i'll be super excited for. i'm already super excited though.

and i finished all my christmas shopping today so i'm happy now. ahh the christmas spirit is coming now.

i'm also proud of myself for surviving the crazy mall on the weekend before christmas and the highway! wooo! i'm awesome. i'm also sick though, which sucks, hopefully i'll be better by Christmas, or at least by the concert. ahhh i'm so excited for the concert again. the concert...woooo!

fifth harmony didn't win. and neither did carly rose, who i think had the best vocals and deserved it off of that. ):

i saw josh for lunch today and he acted like he wasn't upset or frustrated or mad about last night. why can i do no wrong in his eyes? it frustrates me i guess.

can i please talk about Taylor Mathews more because i don't want to talk about how weird it is that my dad has to come over to visit and then he just leaves again after ten minutes? wait, how many days was i supposed to fangirl before i stopped? whatever, Taylor is a better option.

okay so when we went to NY my dad was asking if we thought Taylor was ever going to make it big or whatnot. and i'm thinking about it and i really hope he does. he deserves it. so i was trying to think about what i could do to help. like try to get a huge fan base for him on twitter or tumblr. i would need help though so i started asking some girls on tumblr who like Taylor and one is just like, "i dont want him to be famous, i want him all to myself." selfish. don't you want him to be successful and happy and be able to support himself doing what he wants. but then she continues by saying stuff like how she was able to videochat with him and that would never happen if he was famous. and she is right, if he was super famous i would never be able to go to disneyland or hang out with him before or after his shows. i guess part of me wishes/hopes that if he did become super famous he would still remember me and my family and still make an effort to see us and hang out with us whenever he was in the area. and another reason why i might not want to make a blog or whatever is because i don't want to come off as one of those obsessed fangirls, i really just want to be his friend. ah whatever. this is the smallest of my worries though, so i like to think about this one.

i'm sad and tired. i don't know what to do. i feel like i'm stuck. someone come and free me please. or let me figure out how to do it myself.

i just want people to like me.

i know, don't care about what other think, be yourself.

i want to be myself and i want people to like me for who i am.

i want people to watch a video of me and just like me even more. like i do when i watch shaytard or r5 videos.

i feel like i'm too young. too young to be in a serious long-term long-distance relationship. too young to be off doing my own thing. yet when i went to the R5 concert i just felt old. and i feel like time is running out if i want to do something big and be someone.

fudge muffins.

right now i wish i was at a concert. a really good concert. i wish i was amped up on adrenaline. i wish i didn't care about anything other than screaming the lyrics at the top of my longs. i wish i could just forget about everything else. i wish i was somewhere else right now. i wish i had someone to just take me away and make me forget everything.

i think part of the reason i don't want to go to sleep because i don't want that period of thinking before i fall asleep. i don't want to be haunted by those thoughts.

i want more for me. i want so much more. i want people to follow me on twitter and instagram. i want to start my own facebook page because too many people want to be my friend. i want people to care about who i am. i want to be able to meet R5. i want Taylor Mathews to follow me on instagram and twitter and to think about me other than when i'm coming to his concert. i want Riker to be excited to meet me. i want to meet all these amazing people. i want them to be honored to meet me: Taylor Swift, Emma Stone, Jennifer Lawrence, Lea Michelle, Andrew Garfield, Ryan Gosling. i hate being a nobody here in my bedroom. i don't want to be a famous singer, or actor, or model. i can't. as amazing as it would be to be a singer, there is no way i ever will be. so instead i need to be a big successful business woman. i need an idea and i need to make it happen. the sooner the better please.

i'm being stupid. but right now i can't really back up that statement. i'm getting too tired to make sense. i know Josh and Abby are right but that isn't what i wanted to hear from them. i wanted to hear "Molly, tell me what is wrong, i will listen as long as you want me to" not "Molly, go to sleep, we will talk later." what if i don't want to talk later? what if later is too late.

i feel alone. very alone right now. right now i only have Taylor Mathew's recorded voice singing to me which just makes me even more aware that he isn't my friend and he isn't here, just like all my other friends aren't here.

i need to shut up and stop bitching. i know i'm being a bitch and i'm being unreasonable and i'm being unlikeable. well i've never really been that likable which is why my list of friends keeps getting shorter and shorter. thank goodness i have Maeve and Maura. they are really all i need. right now they are sleeping and i would never wake them up. i always will put them first.

thinking about Maeve and Maura just brought me back to reality. they are going through every similar things to me. we have each other. i need to be strong for them and get through this. i need to stop being stupid. it's so much easier to just stay a mess than try to pull yourself back together.

i want to put together a plan of action but i can't think straight right now. i think i'm going to fall asleep listening to Taylor's music so my mind will be listening to the lyrics and won't be able to think. not that it's doing a good job thinking now anyways.

okay, goodnight. tonight has been a low night for Molly, sorry. i'll get back up there somehow.

abby texts me back and tells josh i'm still awake so they gang up on me and tell me to go to sleep. i'm a stubborn bitch so i'm going to stay awake for at least another 8 minutes. or 30. or another hour. whatever i feel like.

i'm a mess. yayyyayyyayyyayy.

i'm also tired.

i just voted for Fifth Harmony over 100 times. it reminds me of when i stayed up late voting for Taylor Mathews. and now look at him. he is so awesome and so nice. i'm listening to him sing an amazing acoustic version of his song Love Original. he has grown up so much from when he first auditioned. just look at him and you can tell. and he is so much more confident now. but he still has the same voice that i fell in love with the first time i heard that goofy kid sing it on AGT. i look up to him so much. honestly so much. he just went for something, he decided to just go for AGT and he made it so far because he is so genuine and has an amazing talent. (and because i voted for him so much, but we are talking about him.) and then he went and toured with AGT and i met him then and i was so star struck. i was only 15 or i just turned 16 then and i think he was the first celebrity i really met. he was the first celebrity i really liked and looked up to. and then since AGT he followed his dream and moved to LA and he is making it happen. he went out to LA on his own and grew up so fast. he has all these new cool friends. he is making awesome music. he is playing shows. and it wasn't like he got instant success, he is struggling, he is working another job at a restaurant. he doesn't make any money from going on shows. but he keeps trying. he had a kickstarter to get enough money to make a music video and he did it. we gave a lot (like $1,500 a lot) but everyone else gave the rest of the $5,000. and he made an awesome, high quality music video. and now what is he doing? he is going and touring with R5 who is super popular now because Ross is on the Disney show Austin and Ally. and he goes out on stage and he is just so awesome. and he talks to fans before the show and afterwards and he is the nicest guy. honestly. he was going to sign my shirt and he was like, "do you want a smaller size? this kind of looks big" and i was like, yeah i guess you are right. so he went and got me a smaller shirt before he signed it. and then he said he wants to hang out with us in Boston before the Boston show. now i don't know if he is just being nice to us because Marisa told him to because we gave a bunch of money. but he is nice to all of his fans. he tweets all of them back and everything. and oh, he gave us a shoutout during his show. some girls behind us were screaming so he looked over and saw us waving and he said "the Ronans" and i can't describe the voice he said it in, but it was like we had a connection and knew each other and it was awesome. no one else knew why he said it but us. ahh, this kid. i really want him to be so successful. at the same time i want to keep him my little secret but even more i want everyone to be talking about him. i want him to playing headlining sold-out in minutes tours. i want someone to say "ahh, i love Taylor Mathews" so i can casually reply "yeah, i went to Disneyland with him."

sorry i'm hardcore fangirling right now. but i think part of the reason why i have been obsessing with R5 and Taylor recently is so i don't have to think about my parents and the state my family is in. like the fact that this is the first year since i can remember (or ever) that we haven't sent out a Christmas card. and the fact that this is the first time i think that my dad brought me and my three sisters somewhere overnight with my mom. when we saw Taylor he asked us where my mom was and my dad said that she was home with a sick dog, when that wasn't the reason at all, Finn could have stayed over at corgi camp. and the fact that when we sat down for breakfast this morning at a four person table my dad automatically pulled over a fifth chair but we didn't need one.

i'm afraid of what Christmas is going to be without my dad there in the morning. or if he does come in the morning that would be even scarier because i don't want to see my parents not getting along. or my mom in a bad mood and my dad trying to ignore it. and i don't want to have a separate present exchange with my dad. i don't want to cry on christmas but i think that is inevitable. i cried today about this.

and on top of that i'm trying to figure out how i feel about my relationship with josh. and i think that i'm confusing and mixing up things with my parents and with him. and maybe because i see how broken my house is right now, i don't want to leave. i really don't though, i feel horrible leaving or having fun without my sisters. which isn't fair to josh and i realize that and i don't know if there is more behind it. there is. i know there is. i don't think we are going to stay together in the long run. it's easy for me to say that and think that now but as soon as i see him or am near him i just can't think about doing anything to hurt him. i'm about to start crying again. i need to talk to him about this but as soon as i do i'll start crying because i know whatever i say will hurt him.

and abby finally texted me and i'm crying full out now. i miss her so much.

but i need to cut it out. this is what i have to do. i have to be grateful for what i have because i have so much. i'm going to suck it up and stop being a jerk and go and see josh tomorrow and have a nice lunch with him. and then i'm going to go and babysit and relax and forget about everything. and then i'm going to watch the finale of the x factor and hope Fifth Harmony wins.

right now i have Taylor Mathew's new exclusive tour EP on repeat. i'm going to listen to that and talk to Abby and then go to sleep.

i'm being a bad girlfriend again. i don't want to go to the movies tonight. i just drove four hours and the last thing i want to do is to be in a car or staring at a movie screen. i want to sleep. but i'm going to go because if i don't i'll be a bitch but while i'm there i'm going to be bitchy because i'm going to be in a bad mood.

all i want to do is talk about r5 and taylor mathews but stupid relationship stuff is putting me in a bad mood.

another reason why i was a bad girlfriend. i found the perfect christmas gift for josh today, a really nice notebook like the one we used to write back and forth, but i didn't get it because i never wrote in the one we have now and i didn't bring it home from school and if i did get the new one, i wouldn't know what to write in it.

i'm scared. and i feel bad. and tired.

and Abby didn't text me back today, i'm feeling really alone and like i have no friends. just my sisters, thank god for my sisters. now i need to stop before i start crying.

i just want to fangirl a little bit more. okay how about we make a deal? i can fangirl until Thursday. and then i'll take a break until after Christmas and then i'll get amped back up for concert number two on the 30th. well, i'll try. and today is fangirling.

is it bad that i'm jealous over a tweet that doesn't really even specify who it is about? and that i have a boyfriend. probably but that's the life of a fangirl. (ha, i think i am funny for calling myself a fangirl because i don't really identify myself as one...but maybe i should just accept it because all the neon blinking caps-locked signs are pointing to fangirl) but anyways, Taylor posted this tweet: "she makes beauty look effortless." which is obviously not about me so i am jealous of whoever it is about. if it is about someone. of course it is, he is a 21 year old guy.

right don't remind me about the significant age difference. and how appropriate i am listening to R5's song "wishing i was 23" okay, i don't wish i was 23 but 21 would be nice, or make Taylor and Riker 18 or 19.

i'm just thinking about all the other girls who are out there that are just like me. watching videos. listening to music. thinking about different scenarios. getting pumped up for the concert. they love Taylor and Riker and the rest of R5 just as much as i do, if not more. we all have dreams of being best friends with them, if not more. but what are the odds of that happening? slim to none. i mean i went to freaking Disneyland with Taylor and we still aren't friends, he doesn't even follow me on twitter or instagram. we are blessed if he likes a photo we tag him in. so i really should stop thinking about...what if? i'll just be disappointed in the end.

where do fangirls go after they are done fangirling? do they always love their band? what happens when they are happily married? would they still want to be "Mrs." whoever? or have they moved on? or do they realize that they never really knew the guys they thought they did. ahh, i don't want to marry them. i don't want to marry anyone. i mean, i want to get married eventually, but i don't know to who yet. and i'm questioning the whole marriage thing now thanks to my parents. but back to the point. what is the point? that the life of a fangirl is hard. or what is the life of a fangirl? i'm new to this.

i don't want to over think it. this is what i want to do. i want to have my crush on Taylor and my crush on all the members of R5 (um yes, Rydel too). i don't want to think of it beyond that. i love their music. and i love who they are even more so. or who i think they are, which i hope is pretty accurate (and just throwing this out there, i would love to find out if i am or am not accurate but that's back to my previous point). and i want to get super excited when i meet them and take their pictures and have them sign stuff and i want to be really excited like getting one picture with them and getting their signature really means something. (which it might not, i mean, what really is a signature? i would much rather a few hours getting to know each other with the possible exchange of twitters/instagrams/numbers) and i want to sing their songs on the top of my long while jumping up and down in a sea of other girls doing the same thing. (okay i would prefer a serenade versus a concert but i do love concerts)

okay now i need to stop thinking about this, because i am overthinking it. i'm going to go back to my fangirling and watch youtube videos of the warblers so i can see Riker and old videos of Taylor on AGT and maybe i'll even watch Austin and Ally even though that might be one of the worst shows in existence, but i love Ross!

peace out, this has been a true account from a fangirl. (real fangirls might be mad at me for identifying as a fangirl since i am not at their level. i'm sorry! don't hate me!)

I'm literally lying in my bed refreshing my instagram and twitter to see if Taylor or any of the r5 members have posted anything about the concert tonight. It was Taylor's first one on tour since agt. I am also refreshing tumblr because one girl who went to the concert is postin pictures and I asked her how it was so I'm waiting for a response.

Ahh I just wish I was there. I mean, I wish I was hanging out with Taylor and r5. I am such a fan girl. But I love it.

i'm so selfish.
there was a tragedy today in Conneticut where innocent elementary school children were killed. and here i am. i just read a note that one of the boys wrote before he was killed and i'm crying. i can't even think about it. i'm going to start crying even more. i really need sleep.

some days just aren't that good of days.

another reason why i am selfish. right before i was going to post this, i thought about what other people would think about me when they read this (like if it is ever published). wow, molly, think about someone else for once.

i need sleep.

sorry, i'm very moody recently.
my family has had three weeks to cope with everything when i was at school not thinking about it. but still they aren't that good either. maeve cried today when she saw that i had decorated everything. then later that day she said she was the happiest she had been in a month. we really are like a train wreck at my house. we are trudging through though and trying. it's just so hard to be so strong all the time.
and i don't know why i don't want to do anything. like i'm just sitting at home really but i feel like i shouldn't be anywhere else. like i shouldn't be having fun when this is happening. not really but something like that. i don't know, i have all these weird sickening feelings that i'm not used to.

but i just need to focus on the R5&TM concert. mommy got this email from Taylor's manager, Marisa (who is awesome):

Nancy,

You and the girls (will your husband be joining as well?) are set for both the Boston & NYC shows for whatever you need. Have you already gotten tickets? Or do we need to include you on the list? 

We will be sure to also set aside some time before both shows or whichever of your choosing to visit with Taylor. I've cc'ed Amudha who will help coordinate. 

Amudha -- Please make sure Nancy and her family are taken care of. Thanks, Nancy, and I hope you ladies have a wonderful time! 

Very best

ahh so i'm excited. and then Maeve was saying "what are we going to talk about or say" to which mommy was saying how Taylor and I would talk and have plenty to talk about and how they can just be the two little sisters. I really hope that is the case. I was telling myself that I just have to pretend like we are best friends and talk like we are catching up. How was your first show? Are you excited for the rest of the show? Okay, be honest, tell me what R5 is really like. And just being excited and open and talkative and happy. I really hope it goes well. And can I just share some more of my hopeful thoughts? Okay so Taylor and I will hit it off right away and he will want to stay in touch (as in maybe follow me on twitter or instagram, or maybe even numbers which would practically complete my life) and then maybe he will ask what we are doing after the show to which i was say, we have nothing really planning why do you ask? to which he would say, well if you are interested you could join us in times square to grab a bite to eat. and then i would be like, well my sisters might be too tired but my dad is okay with it, they could go back with the hotel with him and i could hang out with you guys as long as you could get me back to my hotel. and then i could just party with the band all night. be a groupie, yeah? XD

i know, i know. realistically this is what would probably happen. somehow we will be escorted to meet Taylor before the show. he will ask us some questions, i will try to ask him some questions. it will be sufficiently awkward. maybe we will catch a glance of R5. then we will go and watch the show and have a fun time singing along and bopping around. then i will go back to the hotel with my family without any word from Taylor or R5. and then the same thing will happen at the Boston show. but maybe i can make the most out of those two talks. i want to be friends with that goofball. he acts like he is a cool LA upandcoming star, but i know he is still the same goofy kid that was on America's Got Talent. which is why he is so awesome.

but you know, anything can happen.

i just have to hold onto Taylor and R5 and my X-Factor lovlies (I've been listening to Fifth Harmony's version of Anything Can Happen and Emblem 3's versions of Hey Judge and Baby, I Love You Way) and they will get me through. only 4 days until I get to see Taylor and R5!

am I a bad person? i am trying to think of reasons why i can't hang out with josh on sunday. yeah i'm a bad person. and i'm a tired person. i feel like everything is falling apart. i want to sleep.

crying. i want to be back at babson. please let me go back. it's too hard to be strong here.

watching Kurt and Blaine scenes on glee now make me sick.

seeing my dad makes me sick.

being home makes me sick.

i forgot all my camis and all my pjs at school because i was rushing to pack. i also forgot my camera. i don't have a closet.

welcome home molly.

Today is just sucking. I missed the shuttle to get to Wellesley because I wanted to send in my resume for this job. So now we are really late for our lesson so I don't even want to deal with that. As soon as we get there we are going to have to be rushing which sucks. And then I got an email back from the woman I emailed about the job and she already hired someone. So I was late for no reason. And now I don't have a job. I could email the mail room but I don't really want to work there. But I don't know of any other on campus jobs. So I could bring my car with me and get a job off campus. And then later today I have to work on the business plan because we didnt get funding the first time. So I have to do that and I'll have to work with Joe who I don't want to deal with. And then finals stress. I need to start studying. I just want to be home but once I get home I have to deal with the messy parents stuff and the fact that my dog has diabetes and my horse is lame. I want to just sleep and do nothing else. And now I have a headache from writing this in the car on my phone

only 7 more days of classes. then four days of finals. but i know it will go by fast. i was about to write, i can't wait, but i really can because i'm afraid of what i will find when i go home. but i am still excited to go home. i created more possible drama between my parents regarding going to new york city to see R5 and Taylor at another show, because my dad thought it was his idea so he would bring us but i just told my mom as if it was my idea so she would bring us. i don't know what's going on with that. my mom said that my dad is making plans and moving forward while she is just taking things one day at a time. but we have the tickets to the show, so i'll be going to the NYC and Boston shows, just hopefully i'll be able to enjoy both of them without feeling bad about some parent thing.

i talked to my dad some more on the ride up here and i have a better understand of what actually happened but it still makes me feel sick thinking about it. like this yucky twisting knot in my stomach. so i'm going to stop talking about it now.

maybe that is why since i found out i have been obsessing on stuff. like watching every episode of Beauty and the Beast (the cool tv show) that has aired. and then moving on to every youtube video R5 posted. now i should be focusing on school. i have two essay due next thursday, a speech next tuesday, and then finals to prepare for. and fme to worry about. tomorrow we decide who is going to be ceo and such. fun stuff. i hope i'm ceo but at the same time if i'm not then that at least is less work for me.

and i know for a fact that i am fatter now. freshman 15 is mine. i have like a belly, like a gut. i want my flat stomach back. whenever i mention this people are like you aren't fat, you were underweight before, you still don't weigh that much. yeah but me personally would like to weigh slightly less and have a flatter stomach. i want to go to the gym three times a week but it's hard to find time and when i have time usually all i want to do is go on the internet, not walk through the cold to the gym. new years resolution.

okay i think i might go by some more R5 songs and then go to sleep. oh crap, i just remembered things i need to do. let me do those and then i'll return to my new R5 obsession.

is it bad that i imagine me and one of the members hitting it off during this two shows and us becoming best friends? i can be hopefully right? and also one of my personal goals, which is probably really weird and i may have already mentioned, is to go on a date with Taylor Mathews. maybe I should add Riker or Rocky Lynch to that list. ah i'm just as bad as those crazy fan girls. i've already bought Taylor's friendship. I'm stalking R5 at two shows. well not really stalking, just going to two of the same show but i've done that before - Glee two nights in a row! and i did some real hotel stalking the year before. anyways, i guess it's just something to think about. and i want to keep writing for some reason.

i kind of wish i did NaNoWriMo this year but I know i wouldn't have had time without staying up super late each night. no, molly, stop writing and go do what you need to do. okay.

i'm probably the moodiest person i know. rock on.

today was an obsessed with R5 day. seriously, all i've done today is watch R5 videos, eat, ride, film a video, and look up stuff about R5. #obsessed

ew, i just used a hashtag. i was going to just post that but now i have stuff to talk about. my sisters and mom are going shopping and i want to go with them but i told josh i was going to go over his house. so i didn't go with my sisters. and now i am sitting at home crying because i'm so confused. i'm so confused with all my emotions, i don't know what i think, i don't know what i want to do. well i know what i want to go, go shopping with my sisters. but i'm not. this isn't how it is supposed to work. i'm not supposed to not want to go to my boyfriends house.

my mom asked me are you sure and i said yeah but now i wish i had just jumped in the car and went and worried about josh later or not worried about him at all. fuck my life.

vinita just updated her profile saying that she is single now. her boyfriend just flew up to visit her two weekends ago. i guess that didn't go the greatest. i liked her boyfriend though.

i don't know what to do. josh isn't even first on my list of concerns right now. yesterday we had a family meeting that i just cried though and all i was thinking about was how i wanted to go home, even though i was right there at home, it just didn't feel like home and i wanted to escape. everything is just so yucky i hate it.

i'm excited to go back to babson, but at the same time i want to stay home. at babson everyone will ask me how my break was and what am i supposed to say? great except for the fact that i found out my dad has been cheating and so now he isn't living at home anymore. i'll probably just end up saying good like everyone else. or i'll say, i'm glad to be back at babson. i'm hoping that while i'm at babson i'll just be able to forget about everything at home because i can't just start crying randomly. i'll be there for three weeks until i get to come home. those three weeks will be crazy but i'll just do my school work because i haven't done any over break even though i should have been. whatever. i'll do it there.

i'm just going to look forward to the Taylor Mathews / R5 concert because i don't know what else to look forward to. school is full of work and finals and stress. coming back home could be a war zone. i have no idea how christmas is going to go. next on the list is that concert. hopefully it is good. and hopefully i can talk to Taylor and any of the members of R5 and that we have a good conversation or whatever.

ah, i'm feeling a bit better now. not really. i'll just go eat food now and maybe watch some more R5 videos and wish that i could hang out with them everyday.

I still love glee, even though the episodes aren't as good as the first season. It still makes me happy when I watch it. So I'll keep watching it. Ive already fallen in love with the new characters and I'm excited for the old ones to return next week.

I also have been watching the x factor for the past two weeks so now I'm hooked. And I think Carly Rlse Soneclare should win. But I also love Emblem3 so I want to see them live and I want to meet them. I would love to be able to meet everyone that I watch on tv. I might be able to meet Riker office on December 30th because we are going to the R5 show because Taylor Mathews is performing as well. I'm excited for that and I'll be back home!

And now I need sleep.

i don't want to tell people because i don't want them to judge my family: to judge my dad. please don't. don't feel sorry for us. don't think about us. don't evaluate the situation. don't think you're better than us. if you know, just accept it and move on. don't analyze it. don't. you don't understand.

i used to think about my life and about how perfect it was. nothing horrible had ever happened to me. i thought that it must just be a matter of time until something bad happened.

i was right.

actually it was never perfect, it was always there, i just never knew. my wonderful life was always a lie.

oh my god.

hi so i don't post here because i usually use my school computer, which i can't access this on for some reason. and usually this laptop is dead.

but things in my life are changing. i love my school and i love college. right now i'm so lucky and i realize that. and now i feel like i should be doing work instead of writing this.

yesterday my dad asked how josh was and if we were staying in contact, and i said good and yes. and then he asked if we were growing farther apart or more distant or something like that, and i said yes, we'll see how it goes at thanksgiving.

i care a whole lot about josh, but i do feel myself growing farther apart. i don't feel like texting him back  or i get annoyed the completely pointless texts we exchange and when i talk to him on the phone, i don't know what to say and then i get frustrated with myself. and then i'm a jerk and i say stuff like i don't want him to come up here. when he was up here it was awkward and i didn't feel like making out with him and it was almost like i expected more out of him. and i feel bad, and i feel like a bitch for even thinking this stuff. and unless i fall in love with him again, i can't see this relationship lasting that much longer. and it's not like this is something sudden that just happened at college, these creeping doubts started around when he left for the cruise and i went to california. and i have mentioned this stuff to him and he just still thinks i'm the best thing ever and that everything is fine and all. and i feel bad for not feeling the same. i still love him, just not the way that i used to when i wanted to spend all my time with him. and i really don't want to break up with him, at all, i want things to go back to how they were but i don't know if that is going to happen. i need to talk about all of this with him in person, but i don't want to do it while he is here in case things go badly, so i have to wait until i go home. 5 weeks.

now if things do go to the worst case scenario and we break up i don't think i would get in another relationship for a long time. because to me relationships are a big deal and a commitment. crap, now i feel like i shouldn't be thinking like this since i made a commitment to josh sort of thing. but cut that out molly, you are a teenager and you deserve to have different boyfriends. okay, back to what i was saying. i think i would want to just date around, and kiss guys, and talk to anyone i want, without worrying about the boyfriend. not that there is anyone right now, but it would be fun to be able to get dressed up and just go out and flirt without having a boyfriend sitting in his dorm room playing videogames that would be hurt knowing i was doing that. i haven't done it. like claire said the other day, it would be so much fun for the two of us to be single. just not have to worry or have a commitment i guess. but it is also nice to be able to talk to guys without them thinking that i like them or something since i already have a boyfriend.

i don't like talking about this anymore. i feel like i'm being a traitor or something for talking about this while i'm still dating josh.

but i am very grateful for my friends at college, they are amazing. and i want maeve to have friends like i do here. she doesn't have any friends really. and that makes me sad and mad. so when my mom asked for ideas of what to do for her sweet sixteen, i told her to bring maeve and maura and maybe bella up here to visit me. except for the fact that the weekend before maeve's birthday i have a retreat friday night until saturday afternoon. so she would just be able to stay over saturday night, unless they skipped school on monday, though i wouldn't be able to miss class, though i only have two classes on monday. then her actual birthday is on tuesday.

now i should do some homework, i'll do some reading i guess. blah.

I love the names of the people in college. Roxelane. Vijay. Abhinay. Irfaan. Vivian. Vinita. Hanishka. Tanushree. Ashray. Amelie. Emmalyne. I love it.

tonight is the first night i've felt depressed. just sort of tired and sad. not like i want to go home, i want to stay here, i belong here. i just sort of miss being able to watch tv without people talking loudly, and i want to have a sincere one and one conversation. i'm sick of walking around everywhere in packs, because we have to do everything together, because if i do something with just one person then i'm leaving everyone else out. and i want to make some new friends too. but right now i guess i'm going to sleep. although i would love to have one of those late night deep philosophical talks right now. i just don't have anyone to do that with right now. so sleep it is.

and by the way, i hate presidential election time. thank goodness it only comes every four years.

i'm up at 3:17 in the morning, i've been up all night, what? loving life.

Abby, like I would tell your mom. She is the one who wakes up to get a text from you, which I find ridiculous by the way. But yeah it's good to walk with other people. My friends make me walk with with them, even though I think Babson is safe enough to just walk around. Roxy and I went on a late night run, so it was dark, but we were too gross and sweaty for anyone to want to hit on us anyways...plus no one would be drunk outside the Babo is too strict for that and would catch them.

But right now I should be doing accounting homework...i only have four problem sets, i did one, but ehh i don't want to do more. i kind of want to take a nap.

But grooveboston today and I have a VIP pass! what up!

i don't really have anything to talk about but i'm waiting for my nails to dry before i go to sleep.

but all is well in college. the only thing that sucks is currently i don't have anyone to eat breakfast with because all of my friends have classes either before or after me ):

still i love it here. i am sure i will like it even more once i meet more people and get settled in even more and join more clubs and such. and yeah. tomorrow i have accounting and calculus and fys, which i love. but yeah i'm sleepy, i wish my nails would dry but now but they are sticky. they are a baby blue with sparkles. fancy, huh?

i guess i'm just trying to figure out who i am and where i fit into babson and with these other people. i'm trying to make myself participate in every class, which i did during my three classes today. the hard part about that is i want to make meaningful comments, not just talking for the sake of talking, which is sometimes hard. but i did well in HSF, not so hot with that in FME. but i think it will get easier.

but i also got training for doing Big Sister for a Day, which is kind of cool because now i can be a part of that program. you know just trying new things and all. i can't wait until ceramics classes start up here because i miss that. and i miss riding but two freshmen are trying to start a riding club so hopefully i will be able to start riding some.

ahh college life is crazy. you are living with a bunch of kids your age. i'm not used it to but so far it's good. i might grow sick of it, but hopefully that holds off for a while longer. and the food isn't the greatest, but today was the first time i had pizza. but that is because we ate late and that was really all that was left. usually i eat pretty healthy like.

umm, what else? apparently someone on the first floor of my dorm threatened someone with a knife. he got arrested but i think he's coming back but he's going to be in a different dorm now. so good stuff.

i have a presentation tomorrow and a speech the day afterwards. but then it's the weekend! i might be doing more community service stuff on friday with Lily. and then we have Groove Boston on Friday night, which should be awesome. then i'll probably sleep all day Saturday and then who knows what else. i love how you can just chill and do what you want!

anyways, sleep now. i'm tired...

yeah yeah frat parties. not that fun. and another reminder of why i don't drink, since the girls who did drink had some after kick, so who knows what was in their drinks. but now i'm chilling back at the dorm. i'll probably go to another party sometime because i like getting dressed up, but i prefer parties with dancing, not just walking from room to room drinking.

my roommate today fell asleep around 5ish and slept until probably like 9 and then she got up and is now partying. she is living the life. but noo, i like her a lot. she's awesome. anyways, yeah. i'm sleepy. but two more days off before classes. i only have a little bit of homework left because i did a lot today and yesterday. so i'm good.

i went for a run today, for the first time like ever. it felt good. Roxy and I went late, like 8:30ish, and it was so pretty because there was a full moon and all. so it was good.

and now i'm tired and i'm going to pass out, so i will write again soon!

i just want to say that last night was wonderful! a whole group of us played spoons, but instead of spoons we used pens. and it was soooo much fun. so it was me, Roxy, Lily, Vivian, Leandra, Joe, Claire, Irfaan, and I think that is it...but it's so funny playing with people who haven't played before. they will be like "oh!" and get all excited or Irfaan would scream every time it was time to grab pens. that was the funniest part, every time he screamed. once Claire was able to take the pen without anyone noticing for a while, which was so cool. i won one time and the other time i was top two, but Claire got four first. it was so much fun. those are the kind of nights that make me feel that i'll be good here at college. i just have to surround myself with those kind of people who find playing card games fun, compared to going out drinking. so yeah. hopefully we can do it again sometime.

i'm lucky i got the room i did. i love my roommates. Vinita's pandora isn't working so she is singing her own music. Lily is talking on the phone and all. Roxy was sitting on the floor doing her homework but now she is making a video for her boyfriend of the dorms. Vivian came in and said hi and then went back to watching her tv shows. and we are all chilling in my dorm room, with the dorm open so the guys across the hallway came in and talked to us for a bit. i love it.

i had my first class today, First Year Seminar, and I liked it because it's with all my floor mates which is awesome. and i love our teacher, Monica. and then we went and did a "day one make a difference" thing so we did community service with Monica and then talked to her. Roxy, Vivian, and I were the only ones from our group who went so it was some good connection time with the teacher you know.

but i have classes tomorrow, i'm excited for them. i have calculus and accounting, i already did some reading but i didn't understand it that much.

but yeah, if you want to call me Abby you can, the new few days will be the most stressful, or they were for me. i know Josh is already stressing. but anyways. i have like an hour before i have to kick these girls out of my room. XD

for me the drive wasn't that hard or long. maybe because i was relaxed and chill about the whole thing, i only really got nervous when we pulled up but then i soon figured everything out and relaxed again. i had cried the day before a lot so i was all cried out so saying goodbye wasn't too bad for me, but it was hard watching my mom cry. but so far i'm not homesick at all. i'm relaxing now in my dorm.

last night i ended up staying up until 2:30, shortly after i finished that last blog post the guys we went to the party with, plus two others, came down to the common room so we were talking to them, which was fun because they were "tipsy" and they called it. but i was exhausted so i couldn't really think properly to have an actual conversation. and then we got back to the room and shortly after Vinita came in so we were talking to them and then the guys wanted to see how big our room was so they came in for a second. and really since our days are so packed with all the orientation stuff, the only time we can do anything is at night. but i'm planning on actually going to bed early tonight because i have one class tomorrow. and also once classes start we will have more free time and maybe i won't feel like staying up all the time. maybe just on the weekend. it's nice just hanging out and talking and relaxing.

anyways abby, relax about college. hopefully everything will go as smoothly for you as it is for me. i love it here. it's so pretty and there are some cool people. and i can't wait until my classes start to meet my professors and classmates and learn things. babson is so awesome. really. the few days before leaving for college were the most stressful, once i got here, then everything fell into place. well i still have some clothes to hang up but that's okay, i can do that later...

and i never posted this early...whoops. and now it's 1am and i'm still up, whoop.

so i feel like i own this blog a post because i go to college and then you don't hear from me. it's like what's going on?

but right now i'm chilling in the common room with Roxy and Joe. poor Joe has roommates who drink and smoke and all and he doesn't get along with them. last night he was watching the avengers by himself, so we sat next to him and now he has been hanging out with us. he's nice but i find him annoying kind of.

but i love Roxy. she is my favorite so far. and hopefully i'm hers too. but she is the best. she is so so so nice and cute and ahh! yeah!

but i went to my first college dance and i had fun! some upperclassman guy was trying to teach me how to actually like dance and it was fun! and we danced with a bunch of different people. i am horrible at dancing, but i just pretend like i know what i'm doing and have confidence, and nobody can tell! thank goodness Roxy danced with me the whole time. we got there like 8:30ish and stayed until a little past 10:30, it went until 12 but everyone came late and then left early. so yeah. then two guys on our floor wanted to go to a party, and we wanted to check it out, so we did, and apparently they needed us girls (Gigi came with us) to get in because they need to keep the ratio of guys to girls the same. so they had to call to get us into the dorm and it was suite style dorm. and it was your typical college party with drinking, and jello shots, we didn't stay for long because we weren't drinking. the freshmen girls who were there that let us in were nice though. and the guys we got into the party are probably still there because they were drinking, so they owe us, and hopefully they won't get in trouble. my roommate is probably out partying and drinking now so i hope she doesn't get in trouble either. kids got in trouble last night for underage drinking, and apparently someone punched a police officer and it was bad. and i think people got in trouble tonight too. but don't worry, i'm sticking to not drinking and Roxy is as well so i have someone on my side. which is good.

but i really like it so far. there are some good people here and i'm looking forward to meeting more people once classes start. i'm excited for my classes, is that weird?

now i really should go to sleep, because i have been up this late ever since we got here and it's probably not good for me, but maybe i will get used to the whole college sleeping schedule. bed at 1:30 and up at 8:30, 7 hours isn't bad, i would prefer 8 or 9 but i can deal with 7.

first day of college is a success. up in 6 and a half hours for day two.

driving away today was the hardest thing. i was annoyed because i didn't get to spend as much time with him as i would have liked to because we had a long dinner where nicole, kristi, and sharon talked the whole time. then josh had to help load nicole's stuff. so we were finally alone after that. and then josh needed to help load more stuff up. and nicole and kristi thought they would come keep me company, so kristi told me her whole situation with nate, which i really didn't need to know. it was just awkward and i didn't know what to say. it was weird. finally josh came down but at that point i was just spent.

it was so sad though. i cried several times before it was time to leave. and then i started crying when i realized i had to put the car in drive and then leave. as soon as i started driving i said "fuckkkkk" and i was sobbing as i was pulling away and he was still standing there. now i'm starting to cry writing this. this is so hard. and i still haven't gotten it in my head that tonight is the last night i will get to sleep on this bed for a while and i will have to deal with roommates and new people and a new place all at the same time tomorrow. and i don't know how i'm going to do it.

and oh josh's grandparents came over too to say goodbye to nicole which reminded me that i forgot to go say by to my grandparents which made me feel worse and like i should be spending time with my family instead of listening to josh's family talk. so yeah today was not a good day.

but tomorrow i will be a college student and i will be moving forward on my path.

breaking down, crying again.

so today i got upset when the dentist said i had a cavity. and she made me look at it. and then her assitance gave me a huge speel about how this is a great time to get a cavity because it college lifestyles change and there are a lot of energy drinks and sugary foods and at least you got it now and can nip it in the bed and make sure you drink water or milk. it's like, kid, you don't even know me. don't be giving me lectures about taking take of my teeth. i don't drink soda, or energy drinks, or coffee: all i drink is water and milk. so fuck off. and i take care of my teeth, i just hate flossing, just like some people hate to have their cuticles pushed down or have their nails filed. i don't like the way flossing feels and it's going to get stuck in my teeth. and i hate it. blah. stupid dentist. at least i don't have to get my wisdom teeth out now, they said i will eventually though.

and honestly i'm just so tired and stressed and that didn't help. i feel like i have to hang out with everyone. yesterday was crazy driving back and forth to pick up Zamira and Valentina, then drop them off, then bring Maeve and Maura to circus, and then go to the barn, and then go home and shower and eat, and then go bowling, then go to Josh's, then go back home. today after the dentist i had lunch with my dad and now i just want to sleep, but i can't because i still need to go to the barn and then do something with josh, but then my dad was like "are we going out to dinner tonight" or something like as a last family dinner. and it's like ahhhh, i still need to make sure i have everything packed. and i'm just stressed out.

i think i'll just lie on my bed for a bit and then figure out what's next.

Abby, now go make a list of everything you are excited about and are looking forward to!

And if you still need it, go look at this site: collegepackinglist.com

crap. i had something i was going to post about but now i forget. shucks.

but my cousin is having a baby! i'm so excited! even though they live in West Virginia...but yeah! it's exciting!

college in 3 days, or let's figure this out, 60 hours? i think so, two and a half days really. so yeah, but i'm not going to get into that now, i think i'm going to go to sleep. yeah sleep sounds good.

Abby, i'm stressed out too. Today I cried when i went over josh's for the first time about all these college stuff. but that's not what i came to make a blog about.

i was reading an article about Nick Cannon and they called him Mr. Mariah Carey, which i loved!

when you eat dinner past 10 you know it's been a good day.

(i have Love and Affection by Neon Trees stuck in my head)

i just saw a picture of the olympian Lea Neal, who is 17 and won a medal at the olympics this year, when she was 9 years old with Michael Phelps, like she was getting something signed from him or something. and this year she was his teammate. that's so crazy to me. i love it!

so i planned earlier to talk about 4 pet peeves/annoyances i have. i'm trying to decide if i'm still in the mood to talk about them. sure. what were they again?

- taxes

- paying for college

- riding

- crap, what was the last one, fudge muffins

but i'll start with the riding one - that Bella can go and ride in a show after riding her horse maybe once since the last show she went to over a month ago, and before that she rode her horse maybe once. and she does well, so she thinks that she doesn't have to ride. i hate that she is getting rewarded for not working hard. she has a perfectly healthy horse that she doesn't ride, when Maeve has a lame horse with ringbone that maybe never be healthy again that she would love to ride but can't. life sucks sometimes. and not to mention Dvora too also has a healthy horse that she never rode, but i can't say if she has been riding him more since she came back from camp because he is at a different barn currently.

okay, now i don't usually talk about politics because i'm not well educated about either side. all i know is that i hate it when people make comments and digs about people who believe the opposite that they do, or whatever. but one thing that annoys me is when people think that rich people should pay more taxes. it's like saying: "oh, you have worked hard to get all this money? let's penalize you make you give us a lot of your hard earned money." i'm not saying they should pay less taxes than everyone else, they can pay the same amount. actually, why the heck do we have to pay so much taxes anyways? taxes on this, taxes on that. and also back to the rich people. i think people might think that rich people should pay more taxes because they were just handed their money - but that is an incorrect belief. most rich people today worked hard and earned their money, very few inherit their money. if you don't believe me there are a few people who agree with me: Luke Landes (of consumer commentary), Robert Frank (of Wall Street Journal) who uses stats from three different research groups, Stephen D. Simpson (of Investopedia), and Bert Whitehead (of Fiscalisadvisory). i'm sure people who believe that the rich should be taxed hardcore could find some studies that prove that since they have a ton of money they now need to give more to their government than everyone else.

but this leads right into my next complaint. this is a little different because i'm sort of annoyed at myself and just frustrated in general i guess. i'm frustrated because Babson didn't give me a scholarship, and my parents never applied for financial aide, maybe because they thought they wouldn't qualify? i mean maybe they wouldn't have, but there are a lot of kids who have parents that make a lot more money than i do who are going to Babson. so my parents have to pay the full amount for me to go to school. according to collegeboard, my parents will have to pay $59,170 this year for me to go to school at Babson. that is including $1,020 for supplies - i don't know how they calculate that so i don't know how accurate it is, but seeing how much i've had to pay for books and stuff...yeah. i know that it is my choice to go to Babson, and i know that is an expensive school, and i also know that if i had worked harder in school or maybe done more extracurricular actives or tried to find more scholarships to apply to i could have paid for that. i told my parents when i was little that i would get a scholarhip so they wouldn't have to pay for college. well i failed because they get to pay all $60,000 this year and if that keeps up, they get to pay a total of $240,000 just for me to go to school for four years. i'm like about to cry. i feel terrible. why didn't i study for another half an hour? or do something else with my life that would have made my application better, like join another club? intially i said that the last paragraph led right into this one, that was when i was going to say if my parents didn't have to pay so much taxes (they have to pay a lot, my mom has to spend so much time figuring out how much money to give the government for all her employees and stuff. sure they have money coming in, but most of it is going right back out. we aren't making a lot of money now. we've lost money the last year so now my dad has to get more involved in the company when before he was trying to delegate so he could focus on a new business idea, but now he's back in the office everyday - probably because he realizes he needs to make more money if he is going to pay for Babson) then maybe they would have enough money to send me to college without me feeling like crap like they are wasting all their money. there are so many kids who are going to college for free, or their family barely has to pay anything. do i really need a fancy business education from Babson? can't i just get some decent education from some college then just start up my own business and be set? save my parents a bunch of money? 

okay, new plan. i'm still going to Babson because i know it is a phenomenal college and i'm lucky i got accepted. out of the 5,000 something kids that applied there are only 400 something in the freshman class. i would be stupid to give up this opportunity (and by the way, i was never considering not going even with me being mad about the money thing). so what i'm going to do is i'm going to work my ass off at Babson. i'm going to get the most out of it i can. if i have to pay for it then i'm going to make sure i get very penny's worth. and then when i'm done with my four years of college i'm going to go out and get a kick-ass job and then eventually start my own business and become a successful business woman and then pay back my parents for college by sending them on trips and buying them a nice house. and then i will be able to die happy, or else i'll always feel bad for my parents spending all that money on me. right now they are making an investment in me, a big investment, so i'm going to have to deliver. better get started.

and i still can't remember what that last thing i was going to talk about was. shucks.

and now i will reply to you Abby because none of that was directed at you, that was me just blowing off steam.

you are daring taking your blog off private!

and yeah the whole party was kind of awkward because i'm not friends with anyone who was there except for you and josh. i barely even saw jayna this year, i maybe said 30 words with her the entire year. and the same last year. so really it was just strange all around. it makes me want to go to college when i don't know anyone there and no one knows me so there are no preconceived notions and you can just go strike up a conversation with anyone about anything and introduce yourself and yeah. i found when i went to the babson family day, i like talking to new people and learning about them and stuff. it's fun! so if i had thought about it some more i probably wouldn't have ended up going, but that's that and unless i go to reunions or more parties like that during vacations i will probably never see those people again, which is a strange thought but it is what it is.

and i don't think i really need help because it's all pretty much packed except for what i need to wear the next few days. i just have one more shopping trip left then i'm ready! but it's starting to get real. and sad. i'm still so excited but the goodbyes are getting closer and i'm already getting sad and teary eyed and all. and it's going to be so bad. but the good thing is that it isn't goodbye forever even when it might seem like it the first time. but yeah vacation should be good!

and monday sounds good, could we do maybe an early afternoon thing? then we can still do other things before or after. i'm just freaking out about how little time i have left. tomorrow i'm going to be at six flags all day. so that leaves me monday, tuesday, wednesday. and then thursday i'm going to the dentist and i want to spend the rest of the day with josh. and i want to ride Dolly everyday this year. and i still need to find time to go shopping and finish packing and Mollie wanted to try to do something this week too, and josh of course would like to see me more than just on thursday and i'm supposed to go to my 4h's leaders house sometime and oh my goodness, so much to do.

i can't believe i wrote so much. i really should have just went to sleep when i came upstairs instead of writing all this. i went to bed at 11:30 last night, woke up at 6:15, worked at a horse show all day, got home at 3 and literally crashed on my bed and slept for 3 hours, and then went to the barn 6:30, got home at 8 and ate dinner and have been on my laptop since then even though i'm still so tired. and now it's already 10 and i am spending the day at six flags. so woo. i need to sleep now.

but before i go, this quote of the day goes along well with what i was talking about before:

"Too often we...enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought." – John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)

goodnight world!

today has been a crazy packing day. like that's basically all i've done all day.
i started yesterday but i pretty much had to redo everything because i got new storage containers last night.

so this is what i have:
two pins that are long and short enough to go under my bed with all my long sleeve shirts.
a medium sized suitcase with all my sweatshirts, t-shirts, and some jeans
a small suitcase with all my dresses, skirts, and the rest of my pants
my sleepover duffel back with all my pjs and camis
another duffel back with all my toiletry stuff
my backpack with all my school stuff and books.

what i have left to back:
shorts
stuff for under my clothes
shoes
and random stuff like my lamp

i really wanted it to all fit in what i have but i don't know if it will end up fitting in all that since i still have all my shorts and all the shirts that i'm wearing for this week and i have a few new pieces coming that i ordered online. and i have to buy a few more things. so i might need one more smallish bag. but i think i have done enough packing for today. now i get to go babysit and then go to jayna's party. but i'm already wiped out, packing really takes it out of you. plus Finn woke me up at 8:30 and wouldn't let me go back to sleep, like she has for the past week, she only let me sleep in one day since Monday.

but now i should get some food and then get ready to babysit. i have a lovely three and a half hours in front of me. i wonder if the kids will let me take a nap, ha. definitely not.

and i'm hungry, oh right, Maura ate the rest of my mac & cheese that i made for myself. but i'm such a good sister that i knew she would want some so i didn't eat all of it. that just annoys me a lot. even though i was the one who left it for her. she should have said, that's okay Molly, i'll make my own. yeah right.

i wish i could sing well. i've said that before and i will probably say it a million more times.
just a singer can get on stage in front of a bunch of people and by singing they can make them smile and feel happy, or some other emotion. they hold so much power. i mean, even more than just singing, famous singers are such a big part of our culture and society. it's kind of amazing.
i'm not saying i would want to be a famous singer, i just wish i could sing well so i could put a few songs on youtube and maybe get a small fan base going. now don't say that i can take lessons, because i want that raw talent that you can't teach someone. so instead i must focus my efforts somewhere else. like marrying a singer. wait, what? did i just say that? hahaha, i'm just kidding...kind of. XD no no, i think it would be pretty awesome to have a husband that would sing lovely songs to me all the time, but that is not what i'm going to focus my efforts on. ha, i'm cracking myself up over that actually. i'm sitting here at the kitchen table with my music playing out loud with no one in the house and i'm smiling over my own joke. i'm pathetic.

but not for too much longer. really, i am so excited for college. like beyond excited. i can just imagine myself doing all these college things around campus. it's awesome. i can't believe i only have 8 days. so pumped. i just have moments when the fear and scared stuff hit me, but it's not for that long. then i just get amped again. like i did a ton of packing today, all my winter stuff is packed away and all my shirts are ready in a wire basket thingy, they are just waiting for a suitcase or something. and later today we are going to go to staples and cvs, well we are supposed to, we will see what happens when my family gets home.

um, what else do i want to mention? i watched the glee project this year! my favorites were Nellie and Michael. but i'm happy for Blake (even though i kept called him Shane in my head...)! i thought they would have picked Ali or Aylin because Ali is an amazing singer and she also has the advantage/disadvantage of being in a wheelchair and Aylin already had a character for herself, the muslim who is trying to break tradition and all. but Blake will be good on the show, but they can make him into whatever character they want him to be so i don't know who he will be on the show! i'm excited for glee though, i still love it. okay, so i just looked stuff up and Blake will be dating someone and he will be on Ohio, so he won't be off with Mercedes in LA or Rachel in NY. i'm excited for glee now. i just wish more people from the glee project were on glee too because i love them all.

and i just tied my hair in a knot. i'm pretty proud of myself. i've always wanted it to be long enough that i could do that. and now it is! it's the small victories in life.

um i think i am done with this blog post, now i have to find something to do for the rest of the day.

oh! one more thing, i read this new Babson Magazine and it has a little thing in the back where it talks about what all the alumni are doing and it mentioned Nick Camillo who is a singer so i looked him up and listened to his music on facebook and liked it! so i gave him a shoutout on twitter and he said back "keey an eye out for me on alumni weekend :)" which is awesome, because i mean when i think alumni, i think old people and...yeah just old people...so to think that an awesome young hot singer will be at alumni weekend, um yeah, thank you Babson. and now i'm listening to Jamie Kent who is also from Babo. yep, i think Babson and I will get along fine.

and look at that we are back to singers! i could imagine myself having a company where i help singers like Nick Camillo, Jamie Kent, and Taylor Mathews. market them, set up concerts, sell stuff. i guess like a record company or producers or whatever. it would be so much fun. but more than record companies, i would want my company to be a like a brand name, like big company. like what maker studios does with youtube, i would want to do with music. that would be awesome.

this is why i'm going to babson:

"I'm going to take an egg out of the fridge, drop it into a tub of water, and see if it breaks. Will it break? I can go to MIT and model it and get an answer that's close. Or I could just drop the egg and see what happens. Worst case? I have to buy a new egg" - President Len Schlesinger

 

i just got jealous of you since colin gets to stay over your house tonight in your room. mainly because i really didn't want to leave josh's today, i just want to fall asleep in his arms. i almost did today, i have before but i usually wake up not too much later when i know i can't stay asleep. but i couldn't stay over because he has work in the morning and even if he didn't i can't do that with little notice. even though i'm 18 nothing has changed and i don't want it to. i still respect my 11pm curfew and i still ask to go out and tell my parents where i am and everything. i don't think they deserve me trying to be all independent and adult like, i'm already leaving them to go to college, so my independence and adult-like stuff will come with that. no need to shove it in their face that i'm all grown up now. i will stay there little girl as long as possible. and right now i have 9 days left.

goodness, i'm going to cry now. when i was just lying next to josh and he was playing with my hair today, i told him that i would miss him. and he said he would miss me too, but then he said "it's going to be different" and that's when it sort of hit me. i've said that i'm going to miss him before, but that was when one of us was going away, and everything would go back to normal in a matter of weeks. now nothing is going to be the same. even during vacations i can't imagine it going back exactly how it was and then vacations don't last forever. everything is going to be so different and i don't know if i'm ready. i only have 9 days, actually really 8 days, for my life to be what i've always known it to be. and i can't really even fully appreciate it, i won't realize what i have until it's gone...right? it's like i know my life is going to change and be different but i don't know exactly how yet, so yeah. i don't know. i'm scared. i'm still excited though. i bought stuff for my dorm today in Northampton with Josh...i wonder if that was hard for him, i just thought now, that maybe it was hard for him to see me buy stuff for my dorm which will be 2 hours away from him.

on august 24th my life is going to change forever. and that's freaking scary. i don't think i could have really said that before. high school wasn't really all that new and different, i was living in the same house, i had the same friends, i was in the same town, i was still living with my family. but college...goodness.

i need to stop thinking about this before i freak myself out more.

but today was a good day. i put on makeup for josh and we went out and it didn't pour when we were in the Northampton, it only poured when we had to walk from the car to the restaurant. and we got free appetizers because our waitress never brought them out to us, and we still wanted them, so she said they were on the house once we got them after we were basically done with our meal. it made me feel grown up pointing out that we never got them, because when i was younger i just wouldn't have said anything. i'm no longer giving myself the option to be shy, and so far this summer it has been working. but yes, today was good.

Abby, I am seriously considering staying up another 20 minutes just to say happy birthday to you but i'm tired and i'm going to go to sleep. so happy birthday in 20 minutes!

today was not all that great.

Zamira and Valentina are going back to Columbia. which is the worst for Maeve. Zamira is...was Maeve's only friend that went to hampshire. And the only other friend she has is Kayla who is homeschooled. So Maeve is going to lose 50% of her friends this summer. She talked to Zamira on skype today and when she came downstairs she was very upset and wouldn't talk and when she went upstairs i heard her crying. do you realize what it means for Maeve now that Zamira is leaving? she won't have anyone in the hallways or at lunch or in her classes that is an ally. i mean there is Rosemarie but she doesn't seem to be a good friend to Maeve currently, or Maeve isn't a good friend to her. I do not know what there standing is.

Maeve is ready to go to college just as much as i am. and now i am sick of my laptop, i had more to write about but never mind.

i'm filling out this application for an emerging leaders program at babson and one of the questions is "who is a leader that you look up to and feels exemplifies leadership and why?" and the first person that came to my mind was my dad, but i think they want a well known leader. but i can't think of one female international business superstar that i know well. there's Condoleezza Rice, she more into politics than business and i don't know her well enough to write a response on her. i'm sure there are a lot of powerful businesswomen but they aren't well known to the average person, yet everyone knows that Miley Cyrus cut her hair. i think that's what i want to change. business doesn't have the weight in society that it should. i feel like the only way people know about a business is if they do something bad or wrong, and then they are all over it bashing them. but what about the good ones? the ones that one person turned around and made amazing? i guess we know a few like that...like Apple, and then we all know the story of Life is Good, and i'm sure there are more. but i want more, i guess.

right now though i need to figure out who i should write about, and i need three words to describe my leadership style.

maybe i'm not cut out for business school.

i'm a bad girlfriend. josh wanted to do something today, he told me early in the day and asked the way i wanted him to. and i was like sure! and then i decided to be lazy...and fall asleep...and do nothing on my laptop instead of getting over to the barn early and then doing something with him. and then i was picky and didn't want him to come over because it would just be the two of us and my dad at the lakehouse, or the rest of my family at my house. and his house is full of people recuperating so i didn't want to go over there. i asked him if he was annoyed with him and he sort of shrugged and said sometimes you're tired but i wonder...or something along those lines. and i wanted to start crying. he deserves better than me. i never feel like doing anything with him anymore. he deserves someone who wants to spend as much time as they can with him. i sound like i'm going to break up with him, i'm not. but is it bad that i'm looking forward to college so i wont feel obligated to hang out with him whenever i have free time and i won't feel bad when i don't hang out with him and stay home instead? i don't want to break up with him, but should i? i really don't want to. i still love him, i think i do at least. or do you not love someone when you have these thoughts? i mean when i actually do spend time with him i usually enjoy myself, more often than i feel like i would rather be some place else. it's just getting there i guess, it feels like a burden. but i would rather him break up with me than me ever breaking up with him, and i told him this. but i don't know if that is fair either. i don't think he will break up with me anytime soon. he's so in love with me. and now i'm crying. because i don't think i love him as much as he loves me. i'm afraid that i'm just saying "i love you" out of habit now. i don't know. this is so hard. i feel like he deserves someone better than me. the other day i was joking around when we were playing ping pong and i said something like "do you not like me anymore?" and he said "i don't like you, i love you" in the sweetest voice ever, and every time he says bye and i love you when i'm leaving his house his voice changes like...i don't know. i feel like a jerk. here he is loving me and i'm doubting all my feelings for him. crying so much now. i should tell him all of these but he would be so crushed and so sad and i really don't want to do that to him. he was so sad today when i didn't hang out with him, if he knew all these. he probably has guessed since i'm so reluctant to hang out with him.

so what next then? i'm going to go to sleep now. and then tomorrow i'm going to pick maeve up from driving school and make a video with maura. and then wednesday i'm going to go to the barn early and then go to northampton with josh. and then i don't know what i'm doing thursday. and then friday i'm going to babysit and go to jayna's party with josh. and then i'll reassess my feelings on saturday. and i won't make any rash decisions, not that i would. i can't even imagine right now ending our relationship, i'm not there yet. i'm just...i don't know what i am. is this normal?

but josh i love you and i don't want to hurt you, i just want what's best for you, and i know you think that i'm best for you, but what if i'm really not?

Katelyn left me an ask box asking if I heard Elbow in the closing ceremony and about how she watched the video I gave to her in her 9th grade time capsul...which she said she couldn't open earlier. I am seriously debating not responding after that lovely post she had directed at me. Let me quote "spoiled bitches, wealthy bitches." so i'm not really feel like connecting with her. i might just so i don't create an enemy...if she isn't already. but just fyi when that song came on, i didn't think of Katelyn at all...so yeah.

and it's too early to be up, but Finn woke me up. and barked at me until I let her out, and now she is sleeping...ahhh.

How's your new laptop, Abby?!

Things I need to talk about in this post:
- Miley Cyrus
- One Direction
- Video Stuff?
- let's just start, i have a love/hate relationship with lists.

Miley Cyrus cut off her hair and dyed it blonde and for some reason that is a big deal to the world. I miss her old hair because it was long and gorgeous, but i applaud her for doing what she wants and doing something different - not that it matters what i think, she can do whatever the hell she feels like and my opinion doesn't matter.

One Direction performed at the Olympics! Not that long ago they were just boys with a dream to make a living singing...and then they went on the X Factor and got put together and together they become the biggest boy band of today. and they were on the olympics. i mean come on, they are pretty awesome then. and let's add them to the list of people i want to meet. but i want to meet them soon. i don't want to meet them when they are all old, because i'll be all old too, and the excitement of meeting them would have wore of a bit by then.

I want to read my blog through, like in a book form, from the start until now. But that would require printing it and it's not done yet! i'm looking up now how much it would cost...

I don't think my brain has grasped that I won't be living here in less than 2 weeks.

I don't need to talk about video stuff now, we are still trudging through the depths of youtube hoping that one day we will be youtube famous. but when you think of everyone who makes youtube videos, the chances of that are very slim.

and it's taking a really long time for it to create my book...i kind of want to go to sleep now. i'm tired. i was up at 8:30 today to go out to breakfast even though i didn't go to bed until 12:30ish.

hahahaha. guess what? my blog exceeds their maximum size for a single volume. i would have to get multiple volumes. there are 43 pages just for the table of contents...in my real book i guess i wouldn't have one of those, maybe just what page each month or year starts on.

now i'm going to go to sleep because i'm getting sick of seeing all the posts on facebook and tumblr and twitter about Miley's hair, don't you have things better to talk about? like all the amazing olympians? oh right, i talked about Miley's hair too...

it's midnight again.
this time i was up editing and uploading youtube videos.
i had a lot to do because we just changed channels.
my mom wanted us to make a new channel because we hadn't made any new videos since we lost our adsense account.
so now she made one so we can use her name on the adsense account since mine has a black mark on it now.
now we can start making money again.
we love making videos but it takes a lot of time and the money is just incentive to keep making videos. sort of like a reward. it motivates us. and videos give us something to do together.
but i had a lot of stuff to do tonight involving youtube.
now just hopefully the 28 subscribers we had on our old channel will subscribe to our new channel. we bribed them with $20 to Dunkin Donuts.
i should go to sleep now. this isn't a good habit to be getting into.

the olympics are amazing. just so amazing. the amazing people. the amazing things they do. yes yes.

but let's take a moment to think about the volunteers. they are doing this for free. they are giving up hours of their time away from their work and family to help out at the olympics. and they don't have a chance to win a gold medal.

i want to be the person who holds the sign and leads like the gymnastic teams around, or the different heats in track and field. or the people who go onto the track with the athletes and stand behind their bins so the athletes can put all their warm up stuff in there and then take away the bins.

i just saw a gif of Usain Bolt, who is the fastest man in the world and just full of personality and confidence on the camera, like he's amazing. so in the gif he gives a fist bump to the guy who is in charge of his bin. and the guy's reaction is just priceless. he is smiling, no grinning, and laughing and shaking his head like he can't believe Bolt just did that and how it is just amazing really. i'm going to go watch the little gif again because i like it so much. Bolt just made that guys whole olympic experience - he could have just made his life. i mean wouldn't you want to fist bump the fastest guy in the world? that would be amazing. i will admit that i am slightly jealous of that volunteer - not really, i do think it would be awesome to get a fist bump from Bolt, but i wouldn't want to take that away from that volunteer because he is awesome too and i am so happy for him.

but now i'm watching a live Dave Days chat thingy, and he is so cute and awkward. and he's singing for us and playing his guitar, and it's so good! the people in the chat are pretty annoying. but he's so good, i'll just try to annoy the scrolling sidebar. i would love to have a live chat someday where people actually came and watched and there was an annoying sidebar that i would have to try to read. taylor swift is having a live chat on monday. cause she is awesome and she will probably crash the site because so many people will be watching her.

do you realize how much power people like her have? if she said "jump" a lot of people would jump and the other half would say "how high." i've never liked that saying, because if someone told me to jump, i would just jump, i wouldn't think to ask.

now Dave is singing Girlfriend by Avril Lavine, just the boyfriend version, get it? yeahh

i should be sleeping now. it's 11:30. too bad i'm not in California, then it would only be 8:30...i'm practicing for when i'm in college i guess. 

sitting here i just really can't wait until i'm at the point where people are aware of me and know me, even when they don't know me. like famous. so people care what i write and what i say. i want what i do to really matter. not just to the small group of people i know. eventually, right? hopefully.

but oh, i should respond to you abby! i did talk to Josh a bit and it was good. good good stuff. when i'm with him talking to him, i have no doubts or worries. it's just afterwards when he's not around. which isn't good at all. but they come and go. and i hadn't heard that so i had no idea you were crying so yeah, you're good, don't worry! but i think i'm due to fall in love with Josh again. it's just hard to when it's like pulling teeth to plan something with him. "what do you want to do" i either get, i don't know, or something with you, or i don't care. and it drives me crazy that i always have to plan stuff. but it's really my fault. i would like to be swept off my feet though. i'm sick of spending the day in his basement. i guess. i don't know. it's not bad. like i'm content and comfortable with Josh and happy. but i'm going to shut up now, because it's two weeks its all going to change and i'm going to wish i had those nights in the basement watching movies. it's possible that i could not see josh for months once i go to college. seriously possibility there.

now it's 11:45, but i have no intention of going to sleep because i am seriously enjoying this chat with Dave Days too much. i say chat with Dave Days. but i'm not chatting. it's like he is just talking to a computer and i happen to be listening. so it's not really a conversation. but his birthday is in two days. so happy birthday, Dave.

i was going to go to bed early because i woke up early today, 6:45, and i've been going all day, but i'm still awake! i can sleep in tomorrow but i probably won't end up sleeping in. i mean how can i hang up on the guy singing the theme song from Titanic? well not that i would really be hanging up on him...he would keep singing to just one less person and he wouldn't even notice.

can you believe it? i'm going to college in two weeks. for those of you who are not abby or myself, who have been reading this book style, can you believe it? do i talk, i mean write, like i'm going to college? do you see a change from the beginning of the...book...or from when i started this blog back when i was in...9th grade. whoa. 9th grade to college. that's my whole high school life, actually i think i missed a bit of the beginning of ninth grade, because i started in January of 2009. anyways. yeah. i don't feel old enough for college, i'm still young.

and now Dave Days finished his live chat at 12:04am so i can go to sleep now. woop.

i like how you are posting everyday Abby! and yeah i'm trying to avoid parties and big goodbye scenes. but i think our family are coming over to hang out at the lake house on sunday, so that will be sort of the goodbye thing. i don't see them usually anyways so it's not that big of a deal...well in their mind it might because they always have had the option to see me when i was home, but once i am gone then that option isn't there anymore.

but i just watched a charlieissocool like video about him publicly announcing he has a girlfriend! and it made me happy because he just seemed so happy talking about her. like seriously happy. even after they have been together for a year he was all excited and cute talking about her. i don't know, it just made me happy listening. and it makes me want that back in my relationship - actually josh probably still talks about me like that, but i feel like i don't as much. did i ever? probably...

i don't know. right now i'm sooo tired. i stayed up late saying i could just sleep in but i couldn't because some energy audit guy came to change all our light bulbs and such. so i was up at 8, slept for a bit more and then was up and out of bed around 9. so i'm tired.

i am going to go see josh today. hopefully i'll be able to talk to him about everything. sometimes it's hard because a) i don't know how to bring it up, especially if i have a lot of random topics b) if i say anything critical or questioning our relationship he either gets really sad and crushed, or he brushes what i say away saying that it won't happen or everything is fine c) he won't understand exactly what i say because i don't know how to put it into words so when he responds i will just be like...sure, but uhhh not what i'm talking about.

but we will see how everything goes today. i haven't just really talked to him in a while.

jk, it's their 24th.

and i just wanted to write down a few things i could have on my inspiration board if i had one, i might make one in college:
- my scratch map!
- "believe it and you'll be walking on air" - kerli
- you are paying to be here and to learn, so make the most of every opportunity and work your hardest
- "you will get all you want in life if you help enough other people get what they want" - zig ziglar
- "you are destined for success" - fortune cookie
- "don't stress, that's dumb, i'm here, and it's nice to be alive" - ball park music
- "the truths of life are hidden in clichés" - shay carl

i am happy for you abby, i really am. and thank you so much for sharing. it's all sort of amazing, the whole relationship thing in general.

it's my parents 25th anniversary today. at least i think it's the 25th, someone said that a while ago. they got married on 8-8-88. i would love to get married on a cool date like that. it would be pretty awesome. i would have 2-2-22 or 2-22-22 when i'm 28, that's a fair age and a possibility. there would probably be a lot of weddings one that day. but it would be awesome. i love the number 2. it's my favorite.

today was a long day of babysitting, 8:30 to 5, and then over to the barn, and i've just been able to relax now at 7:30. tomorrow hopefully won't be as busy. i just am going to do something with josh once we figure out what. and maybe buy some more text books. i have my mail box now! it makes me excited to have my own little box...little things make me happy!

16 days!

Abby, I don't know if I should congratulate you, start asking you questions, inform everyone on my view about sex, text you right now, or just not comment. But this is my blog, so of course I have to comment!

Wooooo! I do feel like celebrating now. Yeahh yeahhh, you go girl! And now I believe that is enough of that.

Now I will go into the question phase, you don't have to answer any (seriously!), this is just me sort of processing it. And if you would feel better actually talking in person or texting instead of blogging, please do! I am just sticking with the blogging since that is how I heard! but how to do you feel now? are you happy? was it worth it? was it as amazing as everyone makes it seem?

and now i guess we get to my opinion part. i don't think teenager having sex before marriage is bad at all. i think you should just wait until you are in a committed relationship. like meeting a guy and then two hours later hooking up? yeah not all for that. but if you and your partner feel ready and you've talked about it, then why not? as long as you feel confident that you won't regret it later, then yeah it's fair play. now i wish i had the book i read early today. i sat down and read Will Grayson, Will Grayson in one sitting, minus one break for a shower and getting dressed. it's by John Green and David Levithan. it's the only John Green book I hadn't read. (is it annoying you how i am switching back and forth between i and I? it's staring to annoy me but i don't care that much so i will keep switching and doing whatever i want, it's easier to use lower case) anyways, there was an amazing quote in there about how relationships aren't all about screwing and how they are about who you would die for and such. i'm going to try to find it. found it because i'm awesome like that, so here you go!

I mean, Jesus, who even gives a fuck about sex?! People act like it's the most important thing humans do, but come on. How can our sentient fucking lives revolve around something slugs can do. I mean, who you want to screw and whether you screw them? Those are important questions, I guess. But they're not that important. You know what's important? Who would you die for? Who do you wake up at five forty-five in the morning for even though you don't even know why he needs you? Whose drunken nose would you pick?!

so that's sort of how i feel about it too. if you want to have sex, then have sex. if you want to wait, then wait. that's not the important part here.

i guess it's too late to follow the not comment option...but oh back to my lovely period. yeah i really should get birth control for several reasons, so my periods aren't as bad, so if i get raped i won't get pregnant (ha, sorry, i just read an article about rape in Seventeen and before that i had to do an alcohol education thing (that took over two hours!) where they discussed the bad decisions that people make under the influence), and if i do decide to have sex i will be all set. i guess it will be easier for me to get birth control once i get to college, because honestly i would be terrified to ask my mother. so i can wait a bit, which is fine. i've gotten use to the pain, and i'm not going to any drunk-filled parties, and i know i'm not ready yet.

woo, i think this was a successful blog post that covered a lot of important things, right? and now i wonder if dinner is ready because i am huuuungry.