i just voted for Fifth Harmony over 100 times. it reminds me of when i stayed up late voting for Taylor Mathews. and now look at him. he is so awesome and so nice. i'm listening to him sing an amazing acoustic version of his song Love Original. he has grown up so much from when he first auditioned. just look at him and you can tell. and he is so much more confident now. but he still has the same voice that i fell in love with the first time i heard that goofy kid sing it on AGT. i look up to him so much. honestly so much. he just went for something, he decided to just go for AGT and he made it so far because he is so genuine and has an amazing talent. (and because i voted for him so much, but we are talking about him.) and then he went and toured with AGT and i met him then and i was so star struck. i was only 15 or i just turned 16 then and i think he was the first celebrity i really met. he was the first celebrity i really liked and looked up to. and then since AGT he followed his dream and moved to LA and he is making it happen. he went out to LA on his own and grew up so fast. he has all these new cool friends. he is making awesome music. he is playing shows. and it wasn't like he got instant success, he is struggling, he is working another job at a restaurant. he doesn't make any money from going on shows. but he keeps trying. he had a kickstarter to get enough money to make a music video and he did it. we gave a lot (like $1,500 a lot) but everyone else gave the rest of the $5,000. and he made an awesome, high quality music video. and now what is he doing? he is going and touring with R5 who is super popular now because Ross is on the Disney show Austin and Ally. and he goes out on stage and he is just so awesome. and he talks to fans before the show and afterwards and he is the nicest guy. honestly. he was going to sign my shirt and he was like, "do you want a smaller size? this kind of looks big" and i was like, yeah i guess you are right. so he went and got me a smaller shirt before he signed it. and then he said he wants to hang out with us in Boston before the Boston show. now i don't know if he is just being nice to us because Marisa told him to because we gave a bunch of money. but he is nice to all of his fans. he tweets all of them back and everything. and oh, he gave us a shoutout during his show. some girls behind us were screaming so he looked over and saw us waving and he said "the Ronans" and i can't describe the voice he said it in, but it was like we had a connection and knew each other and it was awesome. no one else knew why he said it but us. ahh, this kid. i really want him to be so successful. at the same time i want to keep him my little secret but even more i want everyone to be talking about him. i want him to playing headlining sold-out in minutes tours. i want someone to say "ahh, i love Taylor Mathews" so i can casually reply "yeah, i went to Disneyland with him."

sorry i'm hardcore fangirling right now. but i think part of the reason why i have been obsessing with R5 and Taylor recently is so i don't have to think about my parents and the state my family is in. like the fact that this is the first year since i can remember (or ever) that we haven't sent out a Christmas card. and the fact that this is the first time i think that my dad brought me and my three sisters somewhere overnight with my mom. when we saw Taylor he asked us where my mom was and my dad said that she was home with a sick dog, when that wasn't the reason at all, Finn could have stayed over at corgi camp. and the fact that when we sat down for breakfast this morning at a four person table my dad automatically pulled over a fifth chair but we didn't need one.

i'm afraid of what Christmas is going to be without my dad there in the morning. or if he does come in the morning that would be even scarier because i don't want to see my parents not getting along. or my mom in a bad mood and my dad trying to ignore it. and i don't want to have a separate present exchange with my dad. i don't want to cry on christmas but i think that is inevitable. i cried today about this.

and on top of that i'm trying to figure out how i feel about my relationship with josh. and i think that i'm confusing and mixing up things with my parents and with him. and maybe because i see how broken my house is right now, i don't want to leave. i really don't though, i feel horrible leaving or having fun without my sisters. which isn't fair to josh and i realize that and i don't know if there is more behind it. there is. i know there is. i don't think we are going to stay together in the long run. it's easy for me to say that and think that now but as soon as i see him or am near him i just can't think about doing anything to hurt him. i'm about to start crying again. i need to talk to him about this but as soon as i do i'll start crying because i know whatever i say will hurt him.

and abby finally texted me and i'm crying full out now. i miss her so much.

but i need to cut it out. this is what i have to do. i have to be grateful for what i have because i have so much. i'm going to suck it up and stop being a jerk and go and see josh tomorrow and have a nice lunch with him. and then i'm going to go and babysit and relax and forget about everything. and then i'm going to watch the finale of the x factor and hope Fifth Harmony wins.

right now i have Taylor Mathew's new exclusive tour EP on repeat. i'm going to listen to that and talk to Abby and then go to sleep.