i kind of really don't want to make a post. because i have been trying so hard to push away everything and this will just bring it back up. so i'll make it short and then i'll go to sleep.

it was so weird and sad calling my dad on the phone to say Merry Christmas to him. fuck, now i'm crying and i haven't cried all day.

and yesterday with my dad trying so hard, making dinner and getting christmas lights and a bunch of desserts. i can't. i'm sobbing now.

i need to think about something else.

oh about how Josh is all like, "seeing abby here makes me wish you were here" and i'm just like yeahhh no i don't wish i was there and i don't wish you were here. i'm happy being here with my family. and he is asking what i'm doing tomorrow and i haven't responded yet. ultimately i know i am going to see him but i don't want to go over his house and pretend like everything is fine. i'd rather be here with my family where we know we are broken and we know everything that is going on and we can just be together.

and then my Taylor Mathews present thing is that i get to miss the baby shower to go spend the day with him in Boston without my sisters or parents. which is great except i kind of wanted to go to the baby shower and it hasn't actually even been confirmed with Taylor or his tour manager, just his manager who lives in California - she is the boss but still. i don't know what we are going to do. it's probably going to be awkward and weird. i don't know if his sister is still on tour with him, i wouldn't mind hanging out with her and him, but i don't know if we also are going to be hanging out with the rest of his band and his tour manager. and it's just stupid. i'm just a fan whose mother has a bunch of money so she was able to buy his friendship. i'm not really his friend, even though i often call him my friend. i mean he is probably just going to spend the day with me because Marisa tell him to and because he knows my mom gave a bunch of money, not because he wants to.

and my horse is broken. i can only walk her around. and i still have a freaking cold. i keep coughing and have a runny nose and i'm exhausted.

but i am still so thankful for my sisters and my mom. thank you for giving me them or else i would be so lost.

ahhh i'm about to cry again. now i am.

merry christmas.