right now i wish i was at a concert. a really good concert. i wish i was amped up on adrenaline. i wish i didn't care about anything other than screaming the lyrics at the top of my longs. i wish i could just forget about everything else. i wish i was somewhere else right now. i wish i had someone to just take me away and make me forget everything.

i think part of the reason i don't want to go to sleep because i don't want that period of thinking before i fall asleep. i don't want to be haunted by those thoughts.

i want more for me. i want so much more. i want people to follow me on twitter and instagram. i want to start my own facebook page because too many people want to be my friend. i want people to care about who i am. i want to be able to meet R5. i want Taylor Mathews to follow me on instagram and twitter and to think about me other than when i'm coming to his concert. i want Riker to be excited to meet me. i want to meet all these amazing people. i want them to be honored to meet me: Taylor Swift, Emma Stone, Jennifer Lawrence, Lea Michelle, Andrew Garfield, Ryan Gosling. i hate being a nobody here in my bedroom. i don't want to be a famous singer, or actor, or model. i can't. as amazing as it would be to be a singer, there is no way i ever will be. so instead i need to be a big successful business woman. i need an idea and i need to make it happen. the sooner the better please.

i'm being stupid. but right now i can't really back up that statement. i'm getting too tired to make sense. i know Josh and Abby are right but that isn't what i wanted to hear from them. i wanted to hear "Molly, tell me what is wrong, i will listen as long as you want me to" not "Molly, go to sleep, we will talk later." what if i don't want to talk later? what if later is too late.

i feel alone. very alone right now. right now i only have Taylor Mathew's recorded voice singing to me which just makes me even more aware that he isn't my friend and he isn't here, just like all my other friends aren't here.

i need to shut up and stop bitching. i know i'm being a bitch and i'm being unreasonable and i'm being unlikeable. well i've never really been that likable which is why my list of friends keeps getting shorter and shorter. thank goodness i have Maeve and Maura. they are really all i need. right now they are sleeping and i would never wake them up. i always will put them first.

thinking about Maeve and Maura just brought me back to reality. they are going through every similar things to me. we have each other. i need to be strong for them and get through this. i need to stop being stupid. it's so much easier to just stay a mess than try to pull yourself back together.

i want to put together a plan of action but i can't think straight right now. i think i'm going to fall asleep listening to Taylor's music so my mind will be listening to the lyrics and won't be able to think. not that it's doing a good job thinking now anyways.

okay, goodnight. tonight has been a low night for Molly, sorry. i'll get back up there somehow.