hi so i don't post here because i usually use my school computer, which i can't access this on for some reason. and usually this laptop is dead.

but things in my life are changing. i love my school and i love college. right now i'm so lucky and i realize that. and now i feel like i should be doing work instead of writing this.

yesterday my dad asked how josh was and if we were staying in contact, and i said good and yes. and then he asked if we were growing farther apart or more distant or something like that, and i said yes, we'll see how it goes at thanksgiving.

i care a whole lot about josh, but i do feel myself growing farther apart. i don't feel like texting him back  or i get annoyed the completely pointless texts we exchange and when i talk to him on the phone, i don't know what to say and then i get frustrated with myself. and then i'm a jerk and i say stuff like i don't want him to come up here. when he was up here it was awkward and i didn't feel like making out with him and it was almost like i expected more out of him. and i feel bad, and i feel like a bitch for even thinking this stuff. and unless i fall in love with him again, i can't see this relationship lasting that much longer. and it's not like this is something sudden that just happened at college, these creeping doubts started around when he left for the cruise and i went to california. and i have mentioned this stuff to him and he just still thinks i'm the best thing ever and that everything is fine and all. and i feel bad for not feeling the same. i still love him, just not the way that i used to when i wanted to spend all my time with him. and i really don't want to break up with him, at all, i want things to go back to how they were but i don't know if that is going to happen. i need to talk about all of this with him in person, but i don't want to do it while he is here in case things go badly, so i have to wait until i go home. 5 weeks.

now if things do go to the worst case scenario and we break up i don't think i would get in another relationship for a long time. because to me relationships are a big deal and a commitment. crap, now i feel like i shouldn't be thinking like this since i made a commitment to josh sort of thing. but cut that out molly, you are a teenager and you deserve to have different boyfriends. okay, back to what i was saying. i think i would want to just date around, and kiss guys, and talk to anyone i want, without worrying about the boyfriend. not that there is anyone right now, but it would be fun to be able to get dressed up and just go out and flirt without having a boyfriend sitting in his dorm room playing videogames that would be hurt knowing i was doing that. i haven't done it. like claire said the other day, it would be so much fun for the two of us to be single. just not have to worry or have a commitment i guess. but it is also nice to be able to talk to guys without them thinking that i like them or something since i already have a boyfriend.

i don't like talking about this anymore. i feel like i'm being a traitor or something for talking about this while i'm still dating josh.

but i am very grateful for my friends at college, they are amazing. and i want maeve to have friends like i do here. she doesn't have any friends really. and that makes me sad and mad. so when my mom asked for ideas of what to do for her sweet sixteen, i told her to bring maeve and maura and maybe bella up here to visit me. except for the fact that the weekend before maeve's birthday i have a retreat friday night until saturday afternoon. so she would just be able to stay over saturday night, unless they skipped school on monday, though i wouldn't be able to miss class, though i only have two classes on monday. then her actual birthday is on tuesday.

now i should do some homework, i'll do some reading i guess. blah.