i'm a bad girlfriend. josh wanted to do something today, he told me early in the day and asked the way i wanted him to. and i was like sure! and then i decided to be lazy...and fall asleep...and do nothing on my laptop instead of getting over to the barn early and then doing something with him. and then i was picky and didn't want him to come over because it would just be the two of us and my dad at the lakehouse, or the rest of my family at my house. and his house is full of people recuperating so i didn't want to go over there. i asked him if he was annoyed with him and he sort of shrugged and said sometimes you're tired but i wonder...or something along those lines. and i wanted to start crying. he deserves better than me. i never feel like doing anything with him anymore. he deserves someone who wants to spend as much time as they can with him. i sound like i'm going to break up with him, i'm not. but is it bad that i'm looking forward to college so i wont feel obligated to hang out with him whenever i have free time and i won't feel bad when i don't hang out with him and stay home instead? i don't want to break up with him, but should i? i really don't want to. i still love him, i think i do at least. or do you not love someone when you have these thoughts? i mean when i actually do spend time with him i usually enjoy myself, more often than i feel like i would rather be some place else. it's just getting there i guess, it feels like a burden. but i would rather him break up with me than me ever breaking up with him, and i told him this. but i don't know if that is fair either. i don't think he will break up with me anytime soon. he's so in love with me. and now i'm crying. because i don't think i love him as much as he loves me. i'm afraid that i'm just saying "i love you" out of habit now. i don't know. this is so hard. i feel like he deserves someone better than me. the other day i was joking around when we were playing ping pong and i said something like "do you not like me anymore?" and he said "i don't like you, i love you" in the sweetest voice ever, and every time he says bye and i love you when i'm leaving his house his voice changes like...i don't know. i feel like a jerk. here he is loving me and i'm doubting all my feelings for him. crying so much now. i should tell him all of these but he would be so crushed and so sad and i really don't want to do that to him. he was so sad today when i didn't hang out with him, if he knew all these. he probably has guessed since i'm so reluctant to hang out with him.

so what next then? i'm going to go to sleep now. and then tomorrow i'm going to pick maeve up from driving school and make a video with maura. and then wednesday i'm going to go to the barn early and then go to northampton with josh. and then i don't know what i'm doing thursday. and then friday i'm going to babysit and go to jayna's party with josh. and then i'll reassess my feelings on saturday. and i won't make any rash decisions, not that i would. i can't even imagine right now ending our relationship, i'm not there yet. i'm just...i don't know what i am. is this normal?

but josh i love you and i don't want to hurt you, i just want what's best for you, and i know you think that i'm best for you, but what if i'm really not?