i just got jealous of you since colin gets to stay over your house tonight in your room. mainly because i really didn't want to leave josh's today, i just want to fall asleep in his arms. i almost did today, i have before but i usually wake up not too much later when i know i can't stay asleep. but i couldn't stay over because he has work in the morning and even if he didn't i can't do that with little notice. even though i'm 18 nothing has changed and i don't want it to. i still respect my 11pm curfew and i still ask to go out and tell my parents where i am and everything. i don't think they deserve me trying to be all independent and adult like, i'm already leaving them to go to college, so my independence and adult-like stuff will come with that. no need to shove it in their face that i'm all grown up now. i will stay there little girl as long as possible. and right now i have 9 days left.

goodness, i'm going to cry now. when i was just lying next to josh and he was playing with my hair today, i told him that i would miss him. and he said he would miss me too, but then he said "it's going to be different" and that's when it sort of hit me. i've said that i'm going to miss him before, but that was when one of us was going away, and everything would go back to normal in a matter of weeks. now nothing is going to be the same. even during vacations i can't imagine it going back exactly how it was and then vacations don't last forever. everything is going to be so different and i don't know if i'm ready. i only have 9 days, actually really 8 days, for my life to be what i've always known it to be. and i can't really even fully appreciate it, i won't realize what i have until it's gone...right? it's like i know my life is going to change and be different but i don't know exactly how yet, so yeah. i don't know. i'm scared. i'm still excited though. i bought stuff for my dorm today in Northampton with Josh...i wonder if that was hard for him, i just thought now, that maybe it was hard for him to see me buy stuff for my dorm which will be 2 hours away from him.

on august 24th my life is going to change forever. and that's freaking scary. i don't think i could have really said that before. high school wasn't really all that new and different, i was living in the same house, i had the same friends, i was in the same town, i was still living with my family. but college...goodness.

i need to stop thinking about this before i freak myself out more.

but today was a good day. i put on makeup for josh and we went out and it didn't pour when we were in the Northampton, it only poured when we had to walk from the car to the restaurant. and we got free appetizers because our waitress never brought them out to us, and we still wanted them, so she said they were on the house once we got them after we were basically done with our meal. it made me feel grown up pointing out that we never got them, because when i was younger i just wouldn't have said anything. i'm no longer giving myself the option to be shy, and so far this summer it has been working. but yes, today was good.