and we are close to the end.

of vacation. i just read that book i was supposed to read over vacation, i read it in less than two hours. as for IDSs? I wanted to get to number 25, I finished number 8 yesterday. procrastination at its finest. i know what i'm doing all week. one of the only reasons why i don't want to go to school is because i don't want to hear Katelyn say "how many IDSs do you have left?" and listen to her say "ZERO!" god, i hate it so much. i don't want to talk about her though, i'll put her off as long as possible, for the 12 hours i have left.

um. i don't know what to say. today i actually did something, i went to the mall with my family. awesome. but i did get some awesome shirts, it was worth my mom getting angry at maeve at the end. i don't know what i'll wear tomorrow! good thing about school, i can dress in nice clothes and people can actually see them. the day before i was at the barn all day, then what did I do Saturday night? nothing. i tried to see if Dana wanted to do something but she was in Boston. so i did nothing. it sucked a lot. like you don't understand what it feels like to stay home night after night and do nothing. it makes you feel like crap because you don't have any friends to go out with. yeah, i have friends, but none that i can go out with. it sucks so so so much. and you don't get it until you experience it. until you go for nine days where you are completely available to do something but don't because you can't because you don't have any friends to do anything with, you don't understand. at least with school i have an excuse for not doing anything.

blah. i was going to post about this conversation i had with abby:
abby lynn: and i know he wouldn't randomly stop texting you... me he might
[2/27/11 12:14:05 PM] Molly Ronan: and you just know this?
[2/27/11 12:15:12 PM] abby lynn: that he wouldn't stop texting you randomly? because you aren't a jerk to him
[2/27/11 12:15:26 PM] Molly Ronan: ohhh makes sense
[2/27/11 12:16:17 PM] abby lynn: and he likes you, not like, like like, but he enjoyes your company, and he wants to be nice to you. so he will tell you when he is going way
[2/27/11 12:16:36 PM] Molly Ronan: gooooood.
[2/27/11 12:17:25 PM] abby lynn: now what are your thoughts saying?

i did answer her truthfully but she asked a few seconds too late. now i'm going back and forth in my head if i should talk about what i was thinking or not. it's a toss up here. well seeing as i have nothing else to write about and nothing else to do. i was thinking that was good. but then i was like "just like" and i sort of took it as a challenge sort of thing. but then i was like "isn't that supposed to be the other way around, the guy trying to get the girl?" then i made myself shut up because i was getting into dangerous territory there.

now i'm going to go straight into dangerous territory. why am i so afraid to think about something more than texting every night? probably because i've never done it before. it's out of my comfort zone. i'm so good at writing and typing and communication like this, but make me talk? not so good. different is scary. well not always, it depends. i'm not someone who completely shuns change, just certain kinds of change. change that challenges me to do something or be something. what makes this also dangerous territory is because it's not concrete. my feelings change everyday. one day i could be like "PROM, OMG, YES!" and other days i'll be like "yeah about this prom, why am i even going again?" i don't like saying things about my feelings or about what i want because then i feel like i can't change my mind. which i can though and i do. but then there is the thing that maybe i'm building myself up here and making something out of nothing. the second i said that though i didn't believe it, you don't text someone every single night for two months and there isn't anything there. but if that's true, good lord what i am doing in this world? there's another problem. who knows? everything is so different in this world for everybody, what could be true for some person could be completely wrong for another. so stupid. and this whole paragraph didn't accomplish anything so let me write another one.

i don't want to be held accountable for my feelings. that way if this doesn't work out i can just say, i didn't really care anyways.

wow that was probably the most truthful statement i've said this entire post. like that just hit home right there. do i do that a lot? do i just shove my feelings and wants under the table so it seems like i'm fine no matter what happens? it sort of works though. you make it seem like you don't really want it so when you don't get it then it's not a big deal. i'm sure there is some term for that. i'm sure lots of people do it. i'm probably just one in the masses of people who like to pretend like their feelings don't matter.

so now is this the part of the blog where i say what i'm feeling and what i want and not worry about if it works out or not? that's scary. that's really scary.

i just left that there for about thirty minutes, now it's time for sleep. but i can't just leave this here, that's like backing down from a challenge. can't do. now where to start.

- i want him to talk to me.
- i want to go "out" with him, meaning like just do things together out of school.
- i want him to like me. i want him to like me a lot.

we hit another string, that last one. i don't want to change, i'm not going to chance. so i want him to like me as i am. that i think is the big one. but do i want specifically him to like me or anyone? right now, it's specifically him. if someone else came along, maybe i would want them to like me. i'm not one of those people who want everyone to like me, i could not care less if the majority of the people in my school liked me, i don't like most of them. but him? yeah i want him to like me. do i want him to like me more than friends? i don't know. that would be nice though wouldn't it? but i shouldn't want him to like me just because i want someone to, that's selfish.

there we go back and i don't know what exactly what i'm feeling. sorry abby for this jumble of a mess. but now you know where i stand. sort of. not really because i don't even know where i stand. goodness so complicated. but i'm making it more complicated than it needs to be.

i'm going to sleep now. i am not going to think about dealing with school tomorrow. i'm going to think about what cute outfit i'm going to wear and how i'm going to line my bottom lash line with white eye shadow and i'm going to look good. sounds like a plan.