simplify.

that is going to be my new goal. to simply. i over complicate sooo much. i'm never just angry or just scared or just upset it is a big string of emotions that i can't untangle enough to put a name on them. it's never as simple as "you're my new friend" like Annabeth made it. oh not even close.

you don't know how my brain works. i'm a reader. a writer. an imaginer. i have so many scenes of different things happening with people i'm surrounded with. what if this happened? or this? but the only problem is when i imagine it it most likely means it won't come true. a conversation will never go how you planned it out which sucks for me cause i always have the greatest ideas of what to say after the conversation is over. oh! i could have said that. always. it never comes out right the first time which is why i love writing. i can go back and change it as many times as i want, not that i do with this blog but that is because i want to just get my thoughts down which can't be incorrect or correct. haha. unlike the other blog i wrote when i said this came out incorrect. exactly back to my point, too many thoughts.

i am normally in bed by 9 o'clock on school nights, well at least i have been at the beginning of this year, we will see how long that lasts. i never fall asleep until past 9:30. so what am i thinking about during these 30 minutes that prevent me from falling asleep? mostly school. either a) reviewing what had happened during the day and saying what i could have said or done differently b) creating completely different conversation where i play both me and the other person to the best of my ability. what does this do for me? makes me feel worse about myself because i feel like i can always be better which can almost be a driving force, the fine line between positive and negative is very fine and it also just makes me imagine things that will never happen. i will never say exactly what i did when i was trying to fall asleep because the other person will never say exactly that. it will never happen. things will always turn a different direction.

i can't predict the future. i can't read minds. sometimes i wish i could read minds, so much. it would make things easier, i think. but it would probably complicate things even more than i complicate them because all because you think something doesn't mean that is exactly how you feel. you can think a bunch of lies. of course normally the truth makes it into your thoughts because you can't push them away.

do you know how a song can comfort you? i have one song that is so much of a comfort. Use Somebody by Kings of Leon. it reminds me of my horse. it's almost like i'm singing it or he's singing it to me. the other day when i had that awful trail ride when i got back to the barn that song was playing on the radio. is that weird? that song has been such a comfort to me. also the song, I Gotta Feeling, just listening to it gives me hope that tonight will be a good night. i heard it this morning. tonight i'm going to some makeup thing that the mother of a girl in Maeve's class is hosting. i will be there with a bunch of 7th graders learning about makeup for the first. big deal? sort of cause i have never used makeup before in my life. i have no idea how to use it or make it look good. i just don't wear it. maybe this will help but the possibility of it just going so wrong is so big. but it's gonna be a good night. i gotta feeling.

simplify. what will happen will happen. worrying doesn't do any good. why be afraid when you can't change what happens? just go for it. what comes will come. sure maybe you could have prevented it but it is in the past now. move on with your life. try for that goal again. you can do it. you can do anything. laugh it off. you can't be embarrassed until you let yourself be. things won't always go your way but you can change your path to make it seem like they are. the bad things only make the good things look better. keep your eyes up and head held high. look to the future. take a deep breath. i promise you will make it through no matter what happens. no reason necessary. just do it. relax. one day at a time. you can't change how other people feel you can only be yourself. don't worry. let them think what they think. you are stronger than any obstacle that comes in your way, be it a person or not. smile. you are going to make it.