i wrote this on October 24 2008. i still believe most of it, if not all. i didn't change anything from the original, if if I think a "would" should have been "wouldn't" but that was me almost a year ago. there i was. and here i am.

Self-esteem.

self-es·teem

noun

confidence in one’s own worth or abilities; self-respect

see note at PRIDE

also known as that thing that almost no one in high school has.

I am not sure why, maybe because everyone thinks that everyone is better than them. maybe some are but I doubt it.

Everyone should have more pride in themselves. Everyone is amazing. Of course only the really amazing ones, I call amazing out loud. (:

I don’t understand it and I do all at the same time. It seems pretty stupid when you think about it that really no one has any self-esteem yet it makes sense.

______________________ _ _ _ _

The first thing that jumps into my head when I hear the word “love” is the question “what is love?” It is a word that has been overused so many times it is ridiculous. You may love a sport team but then you love your mother and you love your boyfriend/girlfriend.

What are the point of those anyways? Boyfriends and girlfriends I mean. At our age (9^th grade) at least. Really. You can’t drive yet so really you are stuck being driven everywhere by someone else so you can’t really just get away with them. At school you can be together but to what just hold hands? You may really like someone but does that change at all if you have the title “boyfriend and girlfriend”? I don’t know but it seems kind of pointless. But then again, I am single. (:

It seems like being in love with someone for real would be something…good…probably more than that though. To find someone that loves you and will forever…wow. The chances are that you are not going to find that person until at least after high school. So what is high school then? A time to make mistakes and try out relationships? Sure. Maybe it seems like that when you are looking back on it but when you are in high school, living it right now, it doesn’t seem like that. It seems like…not like you have to be in a relationship but almost like you should. Or there is that guy that you don’t know if you like like that or not and you are just completely flipped out over it especially since you know he knows you like him yet you still go around everyday like everything is fine and you have no feelings for the other past friendship. Not to mention that everyone else likes him as well and you don’t know if you are in love or not though you probably aren’t. So if you aren’t in love then is it even worth it? Is the worth it to not give up and keep waiting for him to realize that you are the best one for even if you do not do believe that yourself? Self-esteem again…

Would we be better off if we need right when we were born whom we were going to end up marrying and who would love us forever and we were just with them for our whole life? I don’t think so. I think part of life is getting through the relationship part of it. Think of how much you have learned or will learn from your “love life”. A whole bunch I would guess. I think making it through all of that makes you a better person, you change, you grow, and you learn. Everyday helps you in some way, maybe not right away but I bet someday when you look back on it you will learn something from it – or maybe you learned right then and there.

Love is something that cannot be defined easily. It is too big of a subject – yet when you hear someone say it you know instantly what it is. Once you start thinking about it though it isn’t so simple. I think you can never know what it is fully until you have (1)been in love, (2)thought you were in love but weren’t, (3)were in love but didn’t know it, (4)love someone to a point that you know you would die for them, (4) love.

I have never loved someone of the opposite gender outside of my family. I say that with confidence. I have had many crushes but I have never loved him. I would even say that I love him – not yet, I don’t know him well enough.

My family though I love. Looking at each of my sisters and my parents I know right away that I love them. I love them more than I can write on paper. Along with the rest of my family. They may get on my nerves but I love them more than anything really.

I love my friends as well. They are the only people my age that can possibly have some idea of what I am going though and thinking. No one else – they weren’t my age during my time. Sure – they may have been a teenager once but not from 2007 to 2014. I say daily how amazing my friends are and how I love them. They will say something and my response will be ‘I love you.’ or at least I am thinking that in my head. No, not like that, I love them as friends and as people.

Abby said to write about “the hard ships and…happiness and the insanity of it all” and really love is insane. It is amazing how you can possibility feel that way toward someone. God is smart – actually beyond smart. Incredible. Amazing. Of course he is – he is God. Love is so crazy though. Just thinking about it I am shaking my head slightly. I don’t know it personally though. I have never experienced it past the family level.