i just broke down.

i just completely broke down. i want to talk to Abby. she isn't online and i'm not comfortable calling her and plus i think she had plans to go out and do stuff tonight.

my parents left to go to the parent teacher thing less than five minutes ago. and maeve complains "why do i have to do everything around here." so i freak out at her because she is always doing that and how she is the middle child and she gets no attention. if someone doesn't get any attention it's me but really i think all of us are getting pushed to the side. i hate being a teenager. and anyways we both yelled at each other and i started crying.

this is the first time i have cried in front of my sister in a long time. long time. and it feels horrible. and maeve said "i know i am a horrible person" and i yelled at her that she wasn't and she shouldn't ever think that and she said that i was making her feel like that.

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

it was really over nothing. my family has become a big box and we are forced to put all our emotions there and they aren't ever allowed to show. hide them away. shove them under a bed. so the slightest thing makes us annoyed and travels with us throughout the day. like i was annoyed before maeve said "how i come i always do everything here" so that was just icing on the cake and i flipped. i could list a whole bunch of things that i was crying about just then. a whole list. the thing is compared to what other kids are going through our age we shouldn't have been upset at all. but that just makes me feel worse. it makes me feel like i'm awful for getting upset over this when girls my age all around the world are dealing with things much worse than me, pregnancy, abuse, harassment, abandonment, depression, death. and here i am getting upset over nothing. what a great person i am.

so i feel horrible. that helped a bit but i am still stuck with a sister up in her room probably crying and saying how horrible she is. another sister in the computer room probably scared out of her mind. this sucks. and writing about it actually hasn't helped at all. i'm starting to cry again. so what am i suppose to do now? am i suppose to cry and scare my sisters again? am i suppose to lock up all my emotions again and pretend this never happened? am i just suppose to go on doing what i do everyday with no change? i'm getting sick of my life. and no i'm not going to kill myself. i'm smarter than that. i just have to survive through this stupid teenage years and then i will have a career and family. i'm not going to just give everything up and kill myself. that is stupid. ridiculous. now you are probably saying, well it came across her mind so she must be thinking about it. well i'm sorry but in this society today you can't help but think about suicide. but i have enough self control to be able to think about something and not do it.

but i don't have enough self control to not flip out at my sisters.

i don't have enough self control to hold my emotions in all the time.

by the time my parents get home? oh i'll be perfectly fine. now trace of any tears on me. my parents will probably never know about this until they read this if it ever gets published. it probably won't because who the hell would want to read this? i can't think of anyone. i'm just a sick selfish shallow girl who is luckier than she will ever realize and happens to know that i just used alliteration. great. i know what alliteration is. how is that ever going to help me in life? i'm starting to think it won't. what if all of this, all of it, doesn't help me in life. what if i end up bagging groceries until i'm 60. what if i never have a family.

huh. major mood shift from earlier today when i wrote that inspiring piece. i guess i still believe that but it's not look as convincing now. right now i feel horrible and i am feeling so negative. and i should probably stop writing because it's not helping. i have about an hour and a half to get myself back together and fix things up with maeve. god help me. actually don't help me, go help someone who actually needs it because i know there are millions of people who need it more than me.