set the scene. it's 8:40pm. i'm exhausted. i should be asleep right now. i just made it through my second week of school. my mother is about to pick up my sister from the first middle school dance of the year. the first one she went to. i'm not sure how i feel about that but my feelings aren't part of setting the scene. my father is home and is sitting on the couch. maura just went into the computer room.
why are all my blogs lately about school and The Friend? well first off if you haven't read the blog before this, please do. this one is a follow up, which makes sense because it comes after. i know this is the first one on your screen but i wrote the other one first. but to answer the question there are several reason. i'll start with the most obvious and then dig deeper but i can't guaranteed that they will be in exact order. i'll write them as them come in my mind and such.
1) Abby wanted me to be his friend. HAHAHAHA. that was just icing on the cake. of course i was already paying attention to him then. had i talked to him yet? i don't think so. now i had an excuse to get to know him better. and now with a goal of being his friend (for Abby) i can't let any stupid feelings get in the way cause i don't have any. when i have a goal i'll do whatever it takes to achieve it and thankfully Abby gave me one.
2) I like him. duhhh if i didn't like him i wouldn't be do all of this. oh wait. you mean like him like him. no. currently no. eventually? i don't know because i can't read the future. just another power i don't have. i have discovered after countless crushes on guys that didn't know i existed, and probably still don't, that those crushes go nowhere. they aren't going to suddenly notice you and fall in love. love doesn't work like that. you are friends first. maybe there are feelings from the beginning or maybe they grow. but friends first then you continue. do i have feelings now? honestly. i don't know. so stop bugging me about that question. it doesn't matter now anyways. lie. it does. but what i said before is the truth.
3) I need something to occupy myself with. true. maybe it's like one of those things that i don't have anything better to think about. or it's one of those things when you have lots of things that you don't want to think about so you think about this instead. i pick that last option. i have plenty of other things to write blogs about but once again i write about The Friend. reason? that is sort of the point of this blog if you didn't get that earlier.
4) I want to blog my mind from other things. yes. as i said in 3 yeah that is true. it helps me forget about when i'm home all that is talked about is the office. how my mother and father fight more now than every before. how the office is taking up all the time. how i'm going to be jumping for the first time during IEA and i'm scared out of my mind. how the first time i showed jumping, on a horse i've rode a bunch and never done anything wrong, i cried. how i don't know how i will make it through my first horse show jumping when i don't want the people surrounding me to see me cry. how i feel like i'm not good enough at riding. how i feel like maybe everything i'm doing isn't good enough. how i'm crying now. how maybe the goals i want to achieve won't come true. how my father is sitting behind me and my sister in the next room and i don't want them to see that i'm crying. how i don't want them to know my true feelings. how i maybe will never use sentence diagramming in my life. how i could end up a failure. how saying over and over again that i am going to be a successful business woman and own three houses and work my butt off might mean that it won't come true. how maybe i am not meant to have friends. how maybe i'll never get past high school. how i don't value what i have here and now. how i could be off much worse. how i'm afraid my parents will get a divorce. how i shouldn't be thinking about that. how i am a horrible sister. how i should be a better rolemodel. how they should feel like they can ask me anything and i know they don't feel like that. how my house is a huge ballon of hidden emotions and how we can't talk about anything. how i'm just a stupid typical teenager and there is nothing special about me. how everything i just wrote about is normal. how knowing that a bunch of other kids are going through the same thing as me doesn't help at all. how this blog just made me feel worse than before. how maybe keeping your emotions down where all the dirt and cobwebs are is better than writing them out. how you should have someone you can talk to about all of this instead of turning to a blog. how maybe i'm not as smart as i think. how maybe this blog isn't making sense to anyone other than me. how maybe i'm wrong. how maybe my brain is wired wrong. how maybe i'm not special at all. how maybe. how maybe. how maybe everything that i believe is wrong. how maybe nothing will come of my life. how maybe i worry about things i shouldn't and forgot about things i shouldn't. how i wish that every person could read this blog and just know how i feel yet the only consequences would be positive. how maybe i will never have the chance to share this blog with world. how maybe i'll forget about this blog. how maybe this is all a waste. how maybe life isn't what i think it is. how maybe i should just stick with trying to become Sawyer's friend then thinking about all of this because after that being Sawyer's friend sounds a lot simpler but i know it isn't.
hi world. my name is molly ronan. i'm going to knock your socks off. i'm going to be like no one you have ever had on this place you call earth. i'm going to do whatever is possible to reach my goals. i'm going to become Sawyer's friend and i'm going to be a darn good one. i'm going to be a successful business woman and i'm going to use sentence diagramming when i'm older. i'm going to own those three houses. i'm going to have a family and i'm going to be there for them no matter what. i'm going to be happy with my life. i'm going to do it. i'm going to survive hi!chool. i'm going to make it. i'm going to share this blog with the world when i'm ready. i'm going to make mistakes but i'm going to learn from them. i'm going to keep my head held high and im going to face the world. i'm going to make it. i'm going to do it. wanna come with me?
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