this should be a good one.

actually probably not cause i'm too tired. but i have the right feelings now. they just came rushing back when i opened up this page.

"you are always mad at me" thanks Katelyn. like i didn't already know that. but i just had to respond "no, i'm not." but you got it right! thats because lately you have been treating me like dirt but it goes both ways doesn't it? i have been hoping you would get the idea. and today in history when i picked Steph over you? yeah i hope you get the picture. but you have Devin, Heather, and probably Sawyer too, idk i don't pay attention to that. but seriously pretending to be Jon Lennon or whoever and Devin your wife and then naming everyone different people who were part of their lives? i'm not really into that stuff. and how much work did you actually get done yesterday in history?

that reminds me i still have history homework. that would mean that this blog will have to be cut short. but i'm still mad at Katelyn. she got something right.

but how do you end a friendship? just think about it because i don't have enough time to elaborate on my opinions. plus my opinions are not always right, but do opinions even have a right or wrong? i don't think so. it's just my opinion. but seriously, how do you end a friendship?

class rings anyone?

i am sort of in a good mood right now but i'm also tired so i should go to sleep now and i don't have much to write about but throughout the day i have acquired a bunch of stuff throughout the day that i could talk about. i should try to limit myself to less than ten minutes. it's 8:04 now. GO.

katelyn has become my little shadow. today in history we had to walk around the desk looking at different documents and such. she followed me. literally. steph and everyone else just sort of when at looked at everything at their own speed. she followed me. wherever i went she followed. get out of my face. and the other flip side when we walk out of english she runs out and tried to catch up with Vicky leaving me by myself then yells back at me if i remembered something that happened last year. of course i remember, i don't forget anything.

and can you let up on the "logorrhea" all over my stuff? that use to be my word. my own word. but now you, Katelyn and Stephanie, took it and think that now you have to write it on your arm two days in a row and write it all over my book. thanks for changing the meaning of the word to me. now whenever i see it instead of thinking "extreme talkativeness" i'll think of my little shadows.

and class rings are kind of stupid and pointless but i want one anyways. i'm sure next year i won't be so excited about it. i decided a bunch of different ones online at jostens.com today. but they are pretty awesome. but $200 to $300 dollars is kind of expensive for a ring that who knows how long you will wear and is the cheapest kind of metal they have.

okay i just went and looked stuff up about the world ending in 2012. maeve heard about it for the first time on the bus from mr. jonathon himself. she was freaking out about it. now it has sort of made it's way into my mind. but really we have no way of knowing until it happens. but wasn't the world suppose to end in 2000? and i just saw a list of all the dates the world was suppose to end but it didn't. and then there was a whole bunch about 2011. so we shall just wait and see. all we can do is live our lives. it would suck though if the world ended before i got to live my life.

and on the bus today jonathon said something about Maeve's personality, how she is sarcastic and something else, i missed it because i was laughing, and that is what he likes about her, apparently. but i thought it was hilarious, or amusing as i told him. Maeve thinks he is a werido.

anyways tomorrow is a new day of school. i'll survive. i know i will. will i enjoy it? probably not.

it's 8:22. i'm exhausted. night.

fail. times whatever.

so today was a bit of fail as well. but what day isn't? no day is going to go perfectly how i want it to. it would be nice to have a surprise and have a wonderful day for once.

but today i woke up sick. i have a runny nose/stuffy nose/sore throat/stuffed head/temperamental hurting of the ears/exhaustion. probably a result from a) everyone around me being sick b) the horse show yesterday which it was raining during c) other things. so i got to deal with that today. katelyn is still annoying my butt off. becca, who i haven't mentioned in a while, is also annoying with all her pointless stories and she isn't a very good listener so i don't really consider her a friend. steph is fine but at lunch she ignores me and just talks to shelbie and bitches with her about something. i fail at friends.

then the one time that The Friend even registers that i exist i blow it. he talked to me before history about the quiz that everyone had gotten back Friday but he wasn't there. and there was a sort of awkward silence before Katelyn came out of no where and just breathed down my neck and Steph sat in my seat. after asking her to move Sawer said "why don't you sit in another seat?" and i replied with something like that is my seat. and then i used the "i'm sick" excuse. i swear if he wasn't thinking of me poorly before he is now. i fail at making friends.

at least i don't fail at riding. my horse bucked today and i stayed on. i just don't want to ride outside. i prefer being in a ring, thanks.

i need to see Abby more so i can talk to her more. i miss her. i see her everyday but for only like a second and it's always when we are surrounded by a bunch of people. gah.

my day was just ruined by my parents. they don't listen to each other. so instead they butt heads. the way they talk to each other. they are snappy and rude. they don't know how to mask what they are thinking in their voices to give the other person a chance to explain where they are coming from without that tone of voice. tone of voice just a big one. it's frustrating. and because i'm just their daughter i can't tell them what i see in their communication with each other. and i don't know if they realize that their mood effects the other three people in the house. they have so much influence over as. we are scared of them pretty much. if they are in a mad mood you stay away at all costs. you don't talk back. you want to say what you are thinking but you know to bite your tongue because you could make it worse. so thanks you guys you just ruined my first blue ribbon in an IEA show because of this dinner. i don't even care if we go on a vacation as all as you guys can get along. please.

i read a blog that Abby wrote of me today and i love her so much. i say this a lot but i don't think she realizes what she is to me. she is my rock. no matter what i do or say she is there. i could annoy her to no extent but she still wouldn't leave. god, i hope not. i could have no friends but still have her. thankfully my bad friend making skills got lucky and got me her.

so yeah. today was the first IEA show of the season. the first time i ever showed jumping at an IEA show. we didn't have a great round jumping, i got one wrong lead but i did it. I Did It. i went out there and jumped and did it. now that i have done it i know that i can do it again. but guess what else? i got 6th place out of 11th in that class. what would i have gotten if i hadn't gotten that wrong lead? bella got 2nd in that class which is also wonderful, she deserves it. but seriously. bella is a better rider than me, she has been riding longer than me, and we are in the same division. could i have beaten her if i had gotten that lead? i have no idea. i can only imagine. and i can't really look back at that class. i was on automatic. instincts took over in that class. you won't ever know exactly what i am talking about until you experience it yourself.

then my flat class. i wasn't too worried about this. this would be my third year doing flat classes. i had tried out a bunch of horses when i was horse shopping too. just climb on and go. i jumped them too which helped a lot. but anyways i got this pony that was crooked and unsteady. we had already trotted and cantered in one direction and trotted in the other when we had to stop so we could have a re-ride because one of the horses was acting up. so then we did it all over again. great advantage for me because now i already knew what this horse was like from riding him a bit already. so we did it again. i had some trouble getting the canter at first, he trotted around a bit longer than he should of. but guess what? i got first place. FIRST PLACE. all of that hard work paid off. you should have seen my grin. i was thrilled. it made everything worth it.

now that is something to be proud of. and i am.

i ate more three hundred goldfish today.

so i'm not sure what i really want to write now. i don't have something that i am burning about writing about. i sort of have moved on from last night, we will see if things change after our sister talk. i am tempted to shot her an e-mail telling her how i got a 58 on a quiz today and a 75 on an essay in the same class. whatever.

this weekend is going to be full of fun. i am only having a half a lesson tomorrow and then Maeve is going to ride the other half. both using my horse. we will see how it goes. and after that i am currently not doing anything unless Abby invites me over which she was talking about. that would be extremely good. especially since i have a horse show on sunday. which i haven't been thinking about lately. i know it is there but i'm not letting myself think about it too much. so next subject.

i ate 300 goldfish today about. maybe more. maybe less. more than sounds better than about. this would be the perfect opportunity to go into stuff about my lesson today but i'm not going to. my horse is just amazing. and i doubt i will ever be friends with Taylor or anything more than we are now, not that i want to at all.

in the friend department. i'm hoping Katelyn is getting the hint that she doesn't need to follow me around all the time. but it is hard when i don't have someone else to go to instead of her. so instead i either cave and go back to her or just sit there silently. it sucks. and i have already discovered i am no good at making friends. i really need a gay guy to be my friend. well i don't know that for sure but so far in every book/tv show/whatever i have always liked the gay guy the best, but not in the Edward Cullen like sort of way. i was watching the Secret Life of the American Teenager and there was a wonderful new cast member who is gay and he is just wonderful. and Glee go watch it. i love that show so much. i sort of don't like that Quinn got pregnant because that is sort of predictable but it does make it more exciting for Mr. Shoe's situation and such. but anyways i love the show Glee.

i'm reading this book called Hard Love by Ellen Wittlinger and i am loving it. it rings really true to me. i wish that i could write zine and such like they do.

and father do not listen to Dr. Biggs when he says you should look over our shoulders when we are on the computer. i hate it.

and maeve knows this blogs exists. i asked her not to tell our parents about it. i have been debating about letting her read it but i don't think so. maybe pick and choose some but i don't know. i have to think about it some more and such. but yeah okay. i think i should stop writing before my dad decides to look over my shoulder again.

i just broke down.

i just completely broke down. i want to talk to Abby. she isn't online and i'm not comfortable calling her and plus i think she had plans to go out and do stuff tonight.

my parents left to go to the parent teacher thing less than five minutes ago. and maeve complains "why do i have to do everything around here." so i freak out at her because she is always doing that and how she is the middle child and she gets no attention. if someone doesn't get any attention it's me but really i think all of us are getting pushed to the side. i hate being a teenager. and anyways we both yelled at each other and i started crying.

this is the first time i have cried in front of my sister in a long time. long time. and it feels horrible. and maeve said "i know i am a horrible person" and i yelled at her that she wasn't and she shouldn't ever think that and she said that i was making her feel like that.

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

it was really over nothing. my family has become a big box and we are forced to put all our emotions there and they aren't ever allowed to show. hide them away. shove them under a bed. so the slightest thing makes us annoyed and travels with us throughout the day. like i was annoyed before maeve said "how i come i always do everything here" so that was just icing on the cake and i flipped. i could list a whole bunch of things that i was crying about just then. a whole list. the thing is compared to what other kids are going through our age we shouldn't have been upset at all. but that just makes me feel worse. it makes me feel like i'm awful for getting upset over this when girls my age all around the world are dealing with things much worse than me, pregnancy, abuse, harassment, abandonment, depression, death. and here i am getting upset over nothing. what a great person i am.

so i feel horrible. that helped a bit but i am still stuck with a sister up in her room probably crying and saying how horrible she is. another sister in the computer room probably scared out of her mind. this sucks. and writing about it actually hasn't helped at all. i'm starting to cry again. so what am i suppose to do now? am i suppose to cry and scare my sisters again? am i suppose to lock up all my emotions again and pretend this never happened? am i just suppose to go on doing what i do everyday with no change? i'm getting sick of my life. and no i'm not going to kill myself. i'm smarter than that. i just have to survive through this stupid teenage years and then i will have a career and family. i'm not going to just give everything up and kill myself. that is stupid. ridiculous. now you are probably saying, well it came across her mind so she must be thinking about it. well i'm sorry but in this society today you can't help but think about suicide. but i have enough self control to be able to think about something and not do it.

but i don't have enough self control to not flip out at my sisters.

i don't have enough self control to hold my emotions in all the time.

by the time my parents get home? oh i'll be perfectly fine. now trace of any tears on me. my parents will probably never know about this until they read this if it ever gets published. it probably won't because who the hell would want to read this? i can't think of anyone. i'm just a sick selfish shallow girl who is luckier than she will ever realize and happens to know that i just used alliteration. great. i know what alliteration is. how is that ever going to help me in life? i'm starting to think it won't. what if all of this, all of it, doesn't help me in life. what if i end up bagging groceries until i'm 60. what if i never have a family.

huh. major mood shift from earlier today when i wrote that inspiring piece. i guess i still believe that but it's not look as convincing now. right now i feel horrible and i am feeling so negative. and i should probably stop writing because it's not helping. i have about an hour and a half to get myself back together and fix things up with maeve. god help me. actually don't help me, go help someone who actually needs it because i know there are millions of people who need it more than me.

we are bigger. we are better. this generation of kids isn't ruined thanks to technology which people like to believe. we are bigger. we are stronger. we have the tools we need to succeed. we know all about drugs, sex, alcohol, and life. the only thing we are missing is the experience. we know not to give into the peer pressure. we know that it is going to come up. that is the defining line there. the people who rise above it are the people who will succeed. the people who give in and the people who will fail. in this time and day there is more a chance that we will rise above it. sure there are a ton more temptations now than before but there is also a ton more knowledge. it's the people who take and use that knowledge who you will hear about again.

see you on the flip side.

this one's for you.

dear future readers,

well hello. i'm not sure if i have ever addressed a blog to you. but right now that is what i am doing. i am talking to you. directly to you. and now this means i will have to get this to you one day. so by making a letter to you i am making a promise to myself that i will get this blog published.

anyways i'm going to give you some advice. how old are you? 15? younger? older? are you a student? a mother? a father? a teacher? whoever you are this can be directed to you to use however you like. right now do i know what this advice is? no. i am going to make it up as i go along. this whole blog, including every post, is advice. take my blog and my life and my mistakes and my trails and my thoughts and use them. i want my teenage life to be good for something and if it means helping you out then that is probably the best thing it is good for.

smile. relax. simplify. those are three things that are incredibly hard to do. i give them as advice or what to do all the time but i never do it. no one is perfect. and i'm not trying to be. i'm just trying to be the best i can be. so enjoy yourself. you are only living one life. and don't worry about making mistakes.

parents do not look over your child's shoulder when they are on the computer and read whatever they are typing or looking at. my father just did that. trust them enjoy where you don't need to see what they are doing. i almost started crying when i thought of my father reading what i had just wrote. he will eventually when i get this published. hi daddy. and while i am at it let me say hi to the rest of my family. hi mommy. hi maeve. hi maura. i wonder what you guys are thinking now when you are reading this.

maybe i don't want to get this published. what will my family think? will they think any less of me because of this? will they be hurt at all? i can't remember what i have said about them. but let me say something now. i love you.

now back to you. i sort of got off topic there but i also do that. i do that a lot. thoughts don't stay on a certain path. but how is life going for you? is it hell? sorry about that but everything will work out. everything does. it may seem like that isn't possible but it will. just have hope.

people are just like you. put yourself in their shoes. people think the same way you do. you aren't the only one who is thinking and feeling that way. is that a good thing or a bad thing? i don't know. sometimes it is a comfort to know there are people who are going through the same thing as you and sometimes it isn't. sometimes that just makes you feel worse. well me at least.

what i want you to do now is start thinking for yourself. take your thoughts and put them far away from everything and everyone. don't let them be influenced unless you want them to be. don't let people affect your feelings. you are in control of them. it may seem like you have no control over them. but trust me you do. you have more control than you think.

just like the name of this blog, these are just some random words. take them as you wish. i'm just a 15 year old girl trying to survive. i'm a typical teenager to the core. average and such. but i'm not going to let it stay that way. i'm going to rise above this and it is just going to make my success story be even better.

i keep getting all these "failed to save retrying..." messages and now i have a big fat red bar with "ERROR" above this. maybe that means i shouldn't post this up on my blog. but i'm going to anyways. i'm honest in my blog. as honest as my thoughts let me be.

thank you for reading this. i love each and every one of you just for reading this. and if you think that i am just publishing this for the money i'm not. that is very far from my mind. i know that i am going to make enough money in my wonderful business that i won't need any money from this. and if i don't become a successful business woman i won't feel like i failed. it just means my path changed in a way that i have no possible way of knowing now. but right now i have a goal and i'm going to do what i can to get there. which includes surviving hi!school.

again thank you and you can do it. i promise.

from,

Molly Ronan (:

flustered. annoyed. and frustrated.

today we will talk about friends. and instead of being general about talking to friends i will tell you how annoyed i am with almost all of my friends. 2/3 of them. and i only have three.

let's start with katelyn. each day she is getting more and more on my nerves. like major. i'm not sure exactly what it is. but today she told me about a dream and how she hates me because of it? maybe she was joking but not in the way you would want to joke. just throughout the whole day little things like that. then today in history i was ignored in favor for inside jokes with Devin about the beatles which she was doing obviously to impress Sawyer. ahhhhhhhh. i wish i could cut her out of my life but i don't see that happening any time soon. reasons? 1) i have no one else to talk to during periods 3, 4, and 6. 2) how do you shake someone who has been following you around for over a year and that you have been through a lot together?

stephanie's next! normally stephanie is fine when she is just around me. put her together with someone else and me and she will most likely pick them over me and because some completely different mean person. today at lunch she was talking shit with Shelbie. unfortunately they were talking too softly for me to hear so i couldn't punch them both in the guts with a good reason. i know they were. if they weren't then how come i heard "Abby" several times. it took all i had from not going over and being all like "what? did you say something about Abby?" and then destroying them into little bits. but then that would have brought me into the picture and probably wouldn't have helped, they would have just talked shit about me too. and Stephanie was it really necessary to move your seat so you were sitting at the other table now across from Shelbie? probably or else i would have heard something you didn't want me too. i don't know what they were saying exactly but talking about that situation at all behind their backs, uhhh no.

so that leaves me with only one friend who i am not annoyed at. Abby. who is just a wonderful person which i said in my last blog so i won't waste your time by making you read about how wonderful she is even though i don't believe that is a waste of time.

anyways Abby told me to attempt to become friends with The Friend today. didn't work at all. when you are pissed at your shadows, a.k.a. Katelyn and Stephanie, it is hard to reach out to someone else. i asked him about his english quiz and then Katelyn popped in out of no where which just made me super pissed. i hope you don't mind i changed annoyed to pissed but they mean pretty much the same thing except i was more pissed. so then that conversation faded off and The Friend talked to someone else. that was it.

my friend and/or social life? not going too well.

into the flow. into the schedule. into the life.

so my life has become victim to schedules, routines, and such. but hey, i sort of like that cause i'm not too good with change. i like things to be constant and such. so that is good. but even i get bore of it. but seeing as it is only september i shouldn't be but i'm starting to get there.

i could talk about riding right now but i'm not going to. i could talk about school but i'm not going to. i'm not really sure what i am going to write about. i thought about writing a letter to my future readers of this blog but i'm not going to. so what am i going to write about? no idea. oh wait. i know now. Abby cause i love her so much.

Abby is an amazing person. she is going through and dealing with a lot of shit right now. but she is going to make it through. i hope she knows that i am always here no matter what. if Michelle had said anything or done anything today during lunch i would have teared her apart. smart idea? probably not since then Michelle will have it out for me now but who cares. i would stand up for Abby any day anywhere.

it reminds me of when Shelbie was talking shit about Katelyn and she had the guts to say something to us about it. she got teared apart by me. then she went over to Michelle and the two of them whispered and talked about us and kept looking at us. Mollie was sitting with me then and we laughed every time they looked at us. and if you bring that up to Mollie to this day I am sure she would start laughing and say how amazing i was. yeah i was just standing up for my friend.

i wish i knew what other people think when they look at me. i know it shouldn't matter what other people think but i wonder. if i knew what they thought would I change who i am? probably not. i'm happy with who i am. i do need a bit more confidence though. lately i have been getting it from people around me. but i'm working on it.

goal for the day: smile/laugh at least once every hour. no fake smiles, real ones only.

what do they think.

i just finished reading a book. the main character's mother died. the author of the book, her mother died and her father died afterwards.

what do people think when they see my whole family together. do they wish that they were me? that they had all of their family member with them.

i am extremely lucky. beyond lucky. and i just wish i stay this lucky for as long as possible.

thank you God. for everything you have given me.

2012.

what if the world ended in 2012. what if everything that we have been building up, been working for was no more. what if nothing was anything or everything was nothing. what if nothing existed. what if this thing we called life was no more. what if years of advancement and development disappeared. what if.

too bad it ain't gonna happen.

i'm getting my keyboard all cheesy

so i'm not really in a bad mood so i'm not sure what i am going to write about. right now my head is trying to think of a topic. there are a bunch but i don't really feel like settling on one. but i feel like writing. but i don't feel like writing a story either because the girl always ends up being too much like me and then i get frustrated at it or i never know where to go with a story. so then why i am writing this? i already told you, i feel like writing. maybe i'll looking up some creative writing exercise or prompt or something and do it. be right back.

"That shoe is going to fit my foot. I have not spent my whole life in this dump for nothing," Opal spat walking up towards the glass shoe that had just been thrown on the floor by her twin sister after it hadn't been able to fit her foot. "I am going to marry the prince." She ignored the grunt of her twin, Yolanda, the rolling of the eyes from the duke, and the glass dropped from the maid, Cinderella, behind her.

She extended her leg and waggled her foot in the duke's direction until he picked up the shoe from the ground and began to place it on her foot. She stared at the glass as she watched it move over her foot. She grinned as the shoe smoothly made it's way onto her foot. She moved her foot away from the duke and put it on the ground. It fit perfectly. "I told you. I am going to marry the prince. I am the best one here, obviously. I knew it all along. I don't belong here!" Opal shouted into the air jumping around in the air. She ignored the tears coming from Yolanda and didn't pay any attention to where Cinderella ran off too.

"Excuse me. You need to have the other shoe to marry the prince," the duke said smugly to Opal, knowing there was no way someone like her would be the girl the prince wanted to marry. But Opal's grin just grew wider as she reached into her purse and pulled out the matching shoe. She had found it in Cinderella's room the other day and knew that there was no way she could have something so nice in her belonging, so she gave it to herself as a gift. Now it paid off. "Ha. I am a princess and there is nothing you can do about it."

"No! You stole my shoe!" a voice came from the hallway followed by Cinderella running into the room. "That is mine! I was the one dancing with the prince, I had to run away before any one found who I was. That...that...bitch...stole it from my room." Cinderella was screaming in Opal's face.

"Did you just call me a bitch? Well for that I believe you have earned yourself two years in the palace's dungeon. Wait, you don't deserve to set foot in the palace, how about that old shed, maybe the prince will have some suggestions," Opal snapped back.

Cinderella opened her mouth before shutting it again and then opening it along with lifting and lowering her hands. "No...no...can't...arggggg!" she managed to get out not being able to figure out what she wanted to say. "Can't I try on the shoe?"

"NO! The shoe fits me and me only. No need for you to try it on. Not to mention that you weren't even at the ball, you were stuck at home so it couldn't possibly be you," Opal said stepping away from her step-sister and closer to the duke. "Let's go, time to go to the palace...wait, my palace! MY palace," she said to him beginning to walk out the door.

Cinderella jumped up and grabbed onto the back of Opal's dress. "No. I am not going to let you leave."

Without turning around Opal just replied, "If you do not let go of me you will spend the rest of your life without food or water, shortening your life by several years." Cinderella felt herself let go and crumple to the floor. "Duke, we leave NOW or else you shall join Cinderella."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Hello, husband-to-be". The prince's face dropped when he saw Opal. She didn't look anything like the girl he danced with at the ball but she was wearing the exact same shoes that the girl was. He turned to look at the duke but he shrugged. The prince was stuck. He promised that he would marry the girl who fit into that shoe and had the other one. He was about to make his life a nightmare.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"How did this happen?" Cinderella was sitting on the floor of her room crying. Her fairy godmother was perched on her bed.

"I don't know honey, this is outrageous! I will have to...I could...The head of all fairies...I don't know" the fairy mumbled not knowing how to respond to Cinderella.

"Well I guess I will have to brush myself off and move on with my life..."

________________

So did you guess what my prompt was? So I would copy and paste it but it sort of isn't liking me right now and I don't feel like writing it all out. But if you go here it is number four. (:

Anyways I like the beginning but then I just wanted to finish it so I sort of make the ending quickly. But I wrote and I'm sort of satisfied now. Talk to you all tomorrow.

horoscope stuff like stuff

sounds true to me. except i'm not going to be a teacher.

Molly completed the quiz "What's your Celtic Zodiac sign?" with the result Oak - The Stabilizer.

June 10 – July 7 Those born under the Celtic tree astrology sign of the Oak have a special gift of strength. They are protective people and often become a champion for those who do not have a voice. In other words, the Oak is the crusader and the spokesperson for the underdog. Nurturing, generous and helpful, you are a gentle giant among the Celtic zodiac signs. You exude an easy confidence and naturally assume everything will work out to a positive outcome. You have a deep respect for history and ancestry, and many people with this sign become teachers. You love to impart your knowledge of the past to others. Oak signs have a need for structure, and will often go to great lengths to gain the feeling of control in their lives. Healthy Oak signs live long, full, happy lives and enjoy large family settings and are likely to be involved with large social/community networks. Oak signs pair off well with the Ash and Reed, and are known to harmoniously join with Ivy signs too. Sign: Oak Tree (Duir) Symbol: The White Horse or The Golden Wheel Ruling Planet: Jupiter - Jovyn Celtic Gods: Dagda.

tgtif.

which means thank go tomorrow is friday.

and just a quick update so you know what is going on in my life. i have sort of given up on the friendship thing temporarily until further notice. i sort of blew another conversation today and well yeah it ain't working and it ain't worth my time as of now. but if the situation changes then we could be faced with something different. but as of now, it is being put on the back burner.

i think that was all i needed to say? oh and that Abby is amazing. okay bye.

bullet it.

- the word of the day is logorrhea. i find that out near the end of the day. i'm going to use it all the day tomorrow instead.

- update on the positive thing. um didn't really think of it during the day. so it didn't work in other words. going to try again? probably not. depends on my mood during homeroom. when i get to school after i have been awake for 15 minutes not thinking positive.

- love drunk is a wonderful album

- stepping stones by tj cornwall is also a wonderful album

- i'm tired

- tomorrow will be the first time i ever wear makeup. that is if i wake up before 7:10

- i need to simplify and stop worrying

- the strangest thing is seeing the kids i've grown up with since preschool during school. it's like those years have disappeared. some of them haven't changed at all. it always make me stop and think when i watch them, which sounds sort of sketchy but not really. this year i have been thinking of elementary school a lot and what all the kids were like then. not sure why. maybe it's because i miss it.

- i have been a horse owner for two months.

- i am a fan of the show Glee

- my favorite color is purple

- i want to write a book. right now.

crap.

hi. today i am going to talk to you about friends. wait, you wanted a new topic? sorry but you ain't getting one. well you are getting a slight difference because i'm branching off from The Friend. i could talk about him more but today was no different from yesterday, or the day before that. so The Friend isn't much of a friend.

i'm going to talk about Abby. i barely see her at all which makes it extremely hard. i see her for more than five minutes every other day at lunch and lunch is lunch. anyways so now our relationship consists of that and talking to each other about our days and venting. but i have come to a topic that i am not use to. friends wanting to commit suicide and such. i actually don't know what Michelle did but just from listening to what other people have said that is what i think. every time i hear suicide i think of Colin thanks to him saying he was going to commit suicide the one and only time i talked to him online. you don't joke about stuff like that and i don't know if he remember it or not but that has permanently scared my image of him. i can't look or have a conversation with him without thinking of it. so way to go Colin.

but what i really beat myself up on is whenever Abby vents i try to think of something to say back and i can't so i end up giving her advice which isn't necessarily needed and i end up sounding sort of stupid. i really wish it could be kind of like the movies and books where the best friend know each other inside out and don't even have to talk to know how the other is feeling. we aren't that close. i have never had someone that close. we are twins but most people use the word twin, other than its true meaning, for people that are extremely alike or friends that are really close. we are more like true twins. real twins are never as close as sister twins. they are like siblings. we have our own friends in a way. we aren't with each other all the time. but i really wish we had at least one class together so instead of this year tearing as apart it would bring us together.

just to record this: this morning i woke up at 7:10. i was in that car at 7:20. so why have i been waking up at 6:30 when i can get ready in 10 minutes? anyways i wasn't awake throughout all of homeroom and before which made it so i didn't have to talk to her. she has seriously been on my nerves but i have no one else to talk to during the following classes: biology, gym, english. so i'm stuck with her. and it sort of stinks. plus if i got rid of her i bring my amazing three friends down to a wonderful two.

at least when i own my own powerfully company i won't need any friends. as for the family part? well hopefully i can find a husband between all of that. i will be like the lady in The Proposal and maybe i will have to pretend to marry one of my workers but then end up falling in love with him and then i would be all set. but really i'm trying to take each day one at a time but keep my eye on the prize, the reason why i am going through hi!school and putting up with all this, for lack of a better word, shit.

hey. hey.

tomorrow is going to be my positive day. i'm saying that now. and when i write something down it has to happen. that is sort of my way of making something happen. writing it down. that is why i have written down all of my goals.

tomorrow if my positive day. i am going to try to smile. i am going to try to see the positive side of things. if there isn't one well then i will just move on. so yes, tomorrow is going to be positive.

why? because it's wednesday. duh.

wait. it's only tuesday?

hi. i want to let everyone know that this is my complaining/venting/ranting outlet. it does not mean i'm a spoiled brat who doesn't appreciate what i have and all i do is complain. out of this i almost never complain which is probably why i have this blog and i have kept it going. this is where i say everything that society doesn't want me to say.

i'm tired. i think that the past three weeks have just caught up to me now. i am very tired. and i get to go babysit two little girls in about 10 minutes. yippee!

but today was another horrible-ish day. it's really hard to make a new friend when all day you are so annoyed that you get stuck in that mindset and you can't get out of it to be yourself around them. so if i was to sum up what i seem like to my wish-would-be-friend: quiet, serious, cold, annoyed, warning: stay away. not exactly what i want to come across as

so you know that, well you probably don't know but you are about to know, that sometimes i think like i am writing in my blog. i just think in sentences about this about what i am going to write in my blog. sometimes i write about that stuff and sometimes i don't. but now i'm going to write about a thought that dawned on me. i want to be Sawyer's high school savior. i'm not sure how that sounds to you so i will elaborate. savior means someone that someone goes to whenever they need either advice, or support, or just someone to ask a question. Abby is my savior and so much more because she is my twin. savior could be a step up from a friend or could not even relate to friend. someone you can trust.

the only problem with all of that is normally it grows over time because trust isn't something you just gain over a day. but what would happen if i walked up to Sawyer and said "i'm going to be your savior from hi!school, like your go-to". i have no idea and i imagined myself doing that but i have no idea if i would. it could be the stupidest thing i ever did. so i'm not going to do it. instead i'll just wait around and show him that when i am not completely annoyed by the people around me i can be an amazing friend.

friend. key word there. friend.

and just in case you were wondering, my day as told to Abby through ichat:

this morning started off with my sister scaring me, on accident of course but it still scared me. then before homeroom was kind of awkward i guess you could say? but you were there. then spanish was fine. office aide was fine. biology wasn't good because i got stuck working in a group with Codie and Oliver - who should have graduated last year. and in biology Gina sits in front of me and Codie behind me and they are SOOOOOO annoying. all i hear all class "Gina, Gina, Gina" or "Codie, Codie, Codie" it is pretty awful. lunch was fine, you were there. then gym was awful as well because we were playing soccer and i got the ball once but then i like passed it into no where because no one was open and i didn't touch it again even though i was open throughout the whole game but that is pretty much the definition of gym class. and by this time i was pretty upset at Katelyn for just walking away without leaving me to walk by myself. so i am getting more and more upset at her by the day. then algebra, Sawyer wasn't there cause he dropped out. English was kind of annoying. we didn't have a sub when we got there so Devin got up in the front of the room was like all like "Miss McNulty" and Sawyer got up and went to the front with her at one point, and Casey and Heather. and Heather's laugh is so annoying. so so so so so so annoying. and Devin's hat was giving me a headache. anyways i pretty much ignored Katelyn and read my book while we waited for the sub, then we took the quiz and after the quiz i did my vocab then read so i would not have to converse with Katelyn. then we walked to history and Katelyn pretty much walked without me again which just put me in a bad mood for history. but when i got into history only Steph and Sawyer were in there so I asked Sawyer about dropping out of Algebra and we talked about our dislike for Ms. Schott and then Katelyn popped up and out of nowhere and just stood there as we talked which annoyed me as well. and then we moved onto science and then the bell ring. that whole conversation was extremely awkward because i was still radiating "i do not like Katelyn today" rays throughout the whole thing and i was exhausted because my lack of sleep just caught up to me at the end of the period before. and then Sawyer left to carry Heather's stuff for her at the end of the period because Devin didn't want to. and that was my day. how was yours?

definition of my life. thank you facebook horoscope for being so correct. especially the first one.

Your life may be taking a new turn, Cancer, but you have a lot of old habits to let go of before you can really take advantage of what is to come. One of these is the idea that you are stuck where you are: it really is time to fly. All you have to do is to release negative ideas about yourself that have been keeping you from openly communicating with just the person who can help you the most. Your horizons are about to expand, and you are about to enter a "bigger" world than the one you currently live in. Expect new friends and especially adventures very soon.

You may be feeling the desire to make some minor changes in your work life, Cancer, and you will be surprised to see how well this works in your romantic life as well. Any changes that you make in fact right now that are of a practical or domestic nature will have a trickle effect when it comes to your love life. Whether you are single or attached, you normally do not allow work and love to mix, but this is more a case of a domino effect than an actual blend of your different roles. This is an area where you can balance all important aspects of your life and see progress on all fronts as well.

Message found in fortune cookie:

A thrilling time is in your immediate future.

hola people of the world.

so it's 7:20. a song i really like just came on shuffle. it's called Contagious by Boys Like Girls. i also enjoy the song Go by them which has become sort of the definition of my life. go listen to it. it's on their album Love Drunk which is another wonderful song. go listen to Go by Boys Like Girls.

i didn't come here earlier because i told Abby what happened today so i didn't feel the need to come and say it on here too. here is my plan: i'll copy and paste what i said to her and then i'll expand and such.

so today homeroom i walk in and i was going to talk to the Friend because he was sitting there like he always is then Heather came in so I was like....okay not going to go deal with Heather. so instead I talked to Mollie, then Katelyn then that was it and we left. Spanish fine. Study Hall fine. Biology fine. Lunch was pretty not-good. i sat with Steph/Shelbie/Heather/Lisa and Becca joined us. which was fine. so after i finished eating i went over to Katelyn and asked her if she wanted to go to the bathroom with me and she made a big deal out of it like, i don't wanna go anywhere with you. it annoyed me extremely much so. so when i came back i wasn't going to go over to that table which now has Kayla Peters there sitting next to Sawyer which annoys me as well since she isn't friends with anyone at that table that i know of. but Katelyn called me over and i don't even know what she said so i went back to the other table. but then Shelbie and Steph and Heather were throwing things which i didn't want to be apart of so i went back to the other table where Katelyn pretty much ignored me which made me even more upset at her. then algebra i didn't talk to the Friend at all. but i think he is dropping out of that class because he asked Ms. Snot to sign something. then English no convo again and Katelyn annoyed me once again. History we were in the lab and he and Heather sat opposite of us in the middle thing. Katelyn and Steph were really annoying, not doing any work or anything. and this was the only time he said something when i said "none of you have read Misty of Chincoteague?" and he said that he had but then he went back to his work before i could talk more about it and that was it. then he and Heather left early, him carrying her stuff since Devin wasn't there. and that was my fail of a day. so this whole quest for new friend thing isn't working. it's been two days in a row.

so i'm pretty upset even though my horoscope said i had no room for negative feelings today. hahaha. can you really go through a day without thinking at least one negative thought? i wish i could. and who believes their horoscopes? well since mine have made a lot of sense lately, i may. but i also don't like that Katelyn has the same horoscope as me. she does right? early July? yeah i think so.

another amazing song - Two Is Better Than One by Boys Like Girls feat Taylor Swift

Katelyn has been annoying me so much. 1) adkgdkgjadklsfksdjflkaklkdfjak i don't really feel like going into it. if she wasn't the only person in my biology class and didn't sit right next to me in english i would ditch her. next year if i have Sawyer as my friend i'm ditching her pretty much. maybe that transition will happen sooner throughout this year. friends and such change pretty frequently. i'll start isolating myself from her now and only talk to her when need be. but it's going to be hard since i don't have that many friends to get rid of one. am i the reason i don't have that many friends or am i just picky? i have no idea. probably a combination of both. i'm not going to let a friend just walk all over me or something like that but also as you can tell i don't make friends easily. i think they need a friend-making class in school. it would be so much more helpful than most of these classes i'm taking.

if i just fast-forwarded through pretty much all of fall, the beginning months of school then i think it would be a lot better. most girls would have given up on Sawyer and maybe would leave him alone. then i would have more of a chance of getting my friend. maybe if they just knew i wanted/needed a friend they would help me along but i doubt it. the less friends he has the better chance for them. gah. i have had that way of thinking too but it's true cause why would he need another one when he all the people he would want to talk to in the world? what makes me special?

i wish i knew what he was thinking. just so i could work off of that. what does he think when our eyes meet? is he thinking "why is this creeper girl looking at me again, she does that all the time!" or is he thinking "i wish she would talk to me because i have no idea what to say to her but i want to talk to her". god i wish i knew so badly. so badly. so abby if you figure out anything you better tell me right away. my little mind soothing because it over-thinks and has difficulties simplifying and just doing.

but now i can't talk about this stuff without thinking about how my life could be so much worse. i could spend hours saying how my life could be worse. i am so lucky and so blessed. if this is the worst of my problems that i don't have that many it seems. but if you have been in a teenage girl's mind you know how we magnify problems and make them seem much worse than they are. but the thing is i realize that and i know so much from reading that you would think i wouldn't make the same mistakes. i do make the same mistakes but i realize it when i make them so it is easier to learn from them i guess. really i should be counting my blessings right now, that would take hours as well. anyways now that i have myself all, shut up and stop complaining Molly, i don't know what else to write about.

just to put this blog post in perspective of what is happening in the world around us, last night were the VMAs where Kayne West interrupted Taylor Swift's speech when she won the female music video to say that Beyonce had an amazing music video. 1) jerk-a-zoid. 2) it's a teenager, let her live in her moment 3) it has nothing to do with color and i hate when people bring stuff up like that. do you know what year it is? 2009, almost 2010. we are over and done with racialism, don't need to bring it back up. wait, it is still going on in some places of the world which we need to get rid of cause honestly it's only you old farts who still think of people as black and white. just thought i would mention that because i saw some comments about that relating to this subject 4) taylor swift is amazing and beyonce was nice for calling her back up 5) that is pretty much all i know up the celebrities and such you know cause i'm out of that loop

so tomorrow i have school. it's a tuesday. and i don't really want to go. i could learn just as much as i do at school at home with the same books. minus the social aspect which i don't really want to learn but know that it will help me later in life. so i am pretty much just struggling through high school the best i can because i really don't wanna be there.

also listen to Funny The Way It Is by The Dave Matthews Band after you listen to Go by Boys Like Girls. actually i'm going to post the lyrics to Go on here because i pretty much love that song. i have listened to it right before i went to bed several times. i'm going to type them all out as i go along listening to it. it is <3

little change of the heart

little light in the dark

little home that you just might find your way up out of here

cause you've been hiding for days

wasted and wasting way

but i got a little hope that today you'll face your fears

yeah i know it ain't easy.

i know that it's hard

follow the lights to the city

get up and go

take a chance and be strong

you could spend your whole life holding on

don't look back

just go

take a breath

move along

you could spend your whole life holding on

you could spend your whole life holding on

believe the tunnel can end

believe your body can mend

yeah i know you can make it through

cause i believe in you

so lets go

put up a fight

lets go make everything alright

go on and take a shot

go give it all you've got

i know it's not easy

i know that it's hard

no its not always pretty

get up and go

take a chance and be strong

you could spend your whole life holding on

don't look back

just go

take a breath

move along

you could spend your whole life holding on

you could spend your whole life holding on

you don't wanna wake up to the telephone ring

are you sitting down i need to tell you something

enough is enough you can stop waiting to breathe

and don't wait up for me

get up and go

take a chance

and be strong

you could spend your whole life holding on

don't look back

just go

take a breath

move along

or you could spend your whole life holding on

get up and go

take a chance

and be strong

or you could spend your whole life holding on

don't look back

just go

take a breath

move along

or you could spend your whole life holding on

you could spend your whole life holding on

don't spend your whole life holding on

yeah

so my problems seem tiny compared to everything else in this world. compared to what my friend i going through now with her best friend who is in the hospital. compared to what everyone else is going through. compared to what i could be going through.

so i'm a failure? no. i just am so extremely lucky that i shouldn't be complaining.

it's not about having what you want, it's about wanting what you have.

dig deeper. where all the dirt and cobwebs are.

set the scene. it's 8:40pm. i'm exhausted. i should be asleep right now. i just made it through my second week of school. my mother is about to pick up my sister from the first middle school dance of the year. the first one she went to. i'm not sure how i feel about that but my feelings aren't part of setting the scene. my father is home and is sitting on the couch. maura just went into the computer room.

why are all my blogs lately about school and The Friend? well first off if you haven't read the blog before this, please do. this one is a follow up, which makes sense because it comes after. i know this is the first one on your screen but i wrote the other one first. but to answer the question there are several reason. i'll start with the most obvious and then dig deeper but i can't guaranteed that they will be in exact order. i'll write them as them come in my mind and such.

1) Abby wanted me to be his friend. HAHAHAHA. that was just icing on the cake. of course i was already paying attention to him then. had i talked to him yet? i don't think so. now i had an excuse to get to know him better. and now with a goal of being his friend (for Abby) i can't let any stupid feelings get in the way cause i don't have any. when i have a goal i'll do whatever it takes to achieve it and thankfully Abby gave me one.

2) I like him. duhhh if i didn't like him i wouldn't be do all of this. oh wait. you mean like him like him. no. currently no. eventually? i don't know because i can't read the future. just another power i don't have. i have discovered after countless crushes on guys that didn't know i existed, and probably still don't, that those crushes go nowhere. they aren't going to suddenly notice you and fall in love. love doesn't work like that. you are friends first. maybe there are feelings from the beginning or maybe they grow. but friends first then you continue. do i have feelings now? honestly. i don't know. so stop bugging me about that question. it doesn't matter now anyways. lie. it does. but what i said before is the truth.

3) I need something to occupy myself with. true. maybe it's like one of those things that i don't have anything better to think about. or it's one of those things when you have lots of things that you don't want to think about so you think about this instead. i pick that last option. i have plenty of other things to write blogs about but once again i write about The Friend. reason? that is sort of the point of this blog if you didn't get that earlier.

4) I want to blog my mind from other things. yes. as i said in 3 yeah that is true. it helps me forget about when i'm home all that is talked about is the office. how my mother and father fight more now than every before. how the office is taking up all the time. how i'm going to be jumping for the first time during IEA and i'm scared out of my mind. how the first time i showed jumping, on a horse i've rode a bunch and never done anything wrong, i cried. how i don't know how i will make it through my first horse show jumping when i don't want the people surrounding me to see me cry. how i feel like i'm not good enough at riding. how i feel like maybe everything i'm doing isn't good enough. how i'm crying now. how maybe the goals i want to achieve won't come true. how my father is sitting behind me and my sister in the next room and i don't want them to see that i'm crying. how i don't want them to know my true feelings. how i maybe will never use sentence diagramming in my life. how i could end up a failure. how saying over and over again that i am going to be a successful business woman and own three houses and work my butt off might mean that it won't come true. how maybe i am not meant to have friends. how maybe i'll never get past high school. how i don't value what i have here and now. how i could be off much worse. how i'm afraid my parents will get a divorce. how i shouldn't be thinking about that. how i am a horrible sister. how i should be a better rolemodel. how they should feel like they can ask me anything and i know they don't feel like that. how my house is a huge ballon of hidden emotions and how we can't talk about anything. how i'm just a stupid typical teenager and there is nothing special about me. how everything i just wrote about is normal. how knowing that a bunch of other kids are going through the same thing as me doesn't help at all. how this blog just made me feel worse than before. how maybe keeping your emotions down where all the dirt and cobwebs are is better than writing them out. how you should have someone you can talk to about all of this instead of turning to a blog. how maybe i'm not as smart as i think. how maybe this blog isn't making sense to anyone other than me. how maybe i'm wrong. how maybe my brain is wired wrong. how maybe i'm not special at all. how maybe. how maybe. how maybe everything that i believe is wrong. how maybe nothing will come of my life. how maybe i worry about things i shouldn't and forgot about things i shouldn't. how i wish that every person could read this blog and just know how i feel yet the only consequences would be positive. how maybe i will never have the chance to share this blog with world. how maybe i'll forget about this blog. how maybe this is all a waste. how maybe life isn't what i think it is. how maybe i should just stick with trying to become Sawyer's friend then thinking about all of this because after that being Sawyer's friend sounds a lot simpler but i know it isn't.

hi world. my name is molly ronan. i'm going to knock your socks off. i'm going to be like no one you have ever had on this place you call earth. i'm going to do whatever is possible to reach my goals. i'm going to become Sawyer's friend and i'm going to be a darn good one. i'm going to be a successful business woman and i'm going to use sentence diagramming when i'm older. i'm going to own those three houses. i'm going to have a family and i'm going to be there for them no matter what. i'm going to be happy with my life. i'm going to do it. i'm going to survive hi!chool. i'm going to make it. i'm going to share this blog with the world when i'm ready. i'm going to make mistakes but i'm going to learn from them. i'm going to keep my head held high and im going to face the world. i'm going to make it. i'm going to do it. wanna come with me?

two weeks done. i'm exhausted. neither of them have been a full week.

so today wasn't a good day. why? did something happen? nope. it just wasn't a good day. i'll run through it because this blog is becoming a way for me to get everything down on paper and just run through my day again so then i can put it aside but it will never be gone. i went back and read one of my blogs from six months ago. i felt the exact same i did then. i couldn't read the whole blog. i made myself do something else to get it off my mind. you might not be able to feel it like i do when you read this but when i reread something i wrote i know exactly what i was thinking and feeling. my goal as a writer in general is to get who is reading my work to feel that too. but that's not my goal for this blog.

so i was exhausted this morning. picture day. i walked into homeroom and this huge rock just landed on my emotions and feelings and ever since then it dragged me down all day. so yeah the Friend. he was pretty much asleep on the desk so i didn't feel comfortable enough to go over there and then people were saying "Wake up Sawyer!" and such and i didn't feel like my self enough to talk to someone i wasn't 100% with. when you aren't friends with someone and they don't know you enough and there is still a chance they won't wanna be friends with you it's hard to talk to them on those days you are just down in the dumps. Abby, Katelyn, Stephanie. i can talk to them in any mood and i know they will still be there no matter what. anyone else? i don't trust myself enough.

so anyways homeroon was suckily sucky. then period one was fine spanish is always boring. period two was pretty good. office aide always makes me smile a bit. oh and today is 9/11. i didn't realize that until Mr. T said something in homeroom. the teachers were telling stories about what they remembered on that day in the office. i can't remember. i don't remember it happening at all. i wish i had something to remember about it but i don't. i can't tell you where i was, what i was doing. the only thing that could be a memory but i probably just made it up was sitting in a circle in the 1st grade classroom but i was in 2nd grade. "never forget" is sort of the slogan i guess for 9/11 but i've already forgotten.

science was kind of boring. my tummy was growling throughout the whole thing. i can't eat breakfast in the morning really. i always have something but i always have to eat it in little bites and i can never finish it, even if it is a minimuffin. my brain just sort of stops me and says don't eat anymore. it's not my tummy it's my brain and i sort of feel like throwing up. i haven't thrown up yet but that is sort of the feeling. it happens during lunch too. i'm starving but then i can't eat anymore. it's more of a mental thing i think. my body isn't use to this schedule yet.

oh my goodness. the creepiest part of the day was after lunch, lunch was kind of boring and such but anyways gym class. we didn't have to participate because we had pictures right after so of course i didn't. almost all the boys participated minus Kyle Kulon and Matt Cabral, Kyle probably because he forgot his clothes and Matt because he is a creeper. so Paige, Katelyn, and I sat on the floor next to the bleachers and the other girls sat on the bleachers. Marianne was the only girl who participated. so the beginning was fine then the creeper himself came and sat down next to Katelyn, Paige on the other side of her, then me. he asked if i got his comments on facebook and i acted like i didn't cause i deleted all of them. if he does it again i can probably say that it is facebookual harassment. anyways he was sitting criss-cross applesause and he took Katelyn's foot and put it on his knee and began tying her shoe. then he moved it so it was right in the middle of his legs. awkward. i just sort of ignored them and then Matt Cabral laid down on his back in front of the Katelyn and Paige which was just like okayyyy then Katelyn put her legs on his. that would have been awkward enough if i like Matt as a friend but i don't. that would have been awkward enough if they had been dating but they aren't. that was just like, what did i see in that boy again and why is my friend doing that? yeah so that is why i don't tell Katelyn again anymore well not just that reason and why i don't talk to the creeper anymore.

then we had algebra. didn't talk to The Friend at all. then we walked to pictures and i had a chance to talk to him and he had a chance to talk to me but instead of walking with me and Steph he waited for Devin and Heather and walked with them. ouch. but also i didn't have the guts to say anything. i know he saw us but whatever. it's one step at a time.

pictures Steph and I were together then Abby came then Abby left then Shelbie arrived and Steph got all snarky like. i don't like talking to Steph when she is near Shelbie or Michelle cause she sort of changes into another person i don't like being near her. thankfully Abby came back or else pictures would have been a complete nightmare with me just standing there by myself looking awkward. so we go through that with this cute-ish picture guy taking a picture who was easy and that was it. then i talked to Abby Szat for a bit and Abby went off with her other friends, that i'm not really friends with. and i talked to Katelyn for a bit.

okay now i might sound like a creeper but i automatically look for The Friend in a room. he was over with Abby and those peeps at first then he left the gymnasium then came back. yeah i saw all that, it helps that i was standing near the door. then he went right past me to talk to Devin and Heather. no big deal. i'm sort of more frustrated talking about it now because of something that happens in 7th period. then Katelyn leaves and i go to talk to Abby. we don't do much talking just poking and pushing which is fine because just knowing that i have one friend who will do anything for me and i would do anything for her is amazing. and just being near her at one point in the day is wonderful since we don't have any classes together which makes each day even harder to get through. then i went back to algebra. no time to talk to The Friend since The Snot started going over stuff.

we went off to english next. i sit too far away from him for communication. but Katelyn annoyed me sooo much during that class. she didn't get the diagramming and she got almost all of them wrong so she was freaking out and i told her i would help her, what did she need help on and she replied "everything!" so i decided i would talk to her once she got over that and talked normally. so i just left her to do her worksheet by herself and i did mine by myself. better that way. The Friend worked with Jon, Josh, and Heather again. oh my god Heather annoys me too. she like screamed/laughed when Sawyer moved his desk because it hurt her knee! oh my goodness! like shut up and get over it. it's okay the first time but it you do your screaming/laughing about three times or more during the same period it is soooooooooo annoying and i don't like her at all. when she talks about her knee she makes it sound like everyone should feel so bad for her and gahh. at least Devin didn't work with them.

then history class. Katelyn and I went out and i'm not sure how The Friend ended up walking with us/talking to us. but Katelyn said that she thought we had a sub in history and he said that he hadn't had a sub since 6th grade. and then we talked about the pool on the fourth floor then he stopped and got a drink and Katelyn and I kept walking. then the computer lab was locked so when The Friend caught up he was like "wait. where are we going?" so i tried my best to explain that we were suppose to go to the computer lab but since we had a sub we probably didn't so then we went down to history and i think we might of had some sort of conversation but i'm not sure. the only reason that this happened was because Heather and Devin leave each class early because of her crutches. the one reason i like her crutches.

then we had some reading to do and some questions. who were the first people to get up and move? Devin and Heather. Sawyer had already started to read the stuff, I knew because

WAIT. i need to backtrack. i missed a very important part. when Heather and Devin left at the end of english there was a bit of time left and i kept glanced over at The Friend because that is what i do, you know? i am a bit strange like that. but he was either looking at me when i did or he looked at me when i did so we kept catching eyes but it was sort of like we looked away right away. none of those stupid locking eyes things like in the movie. at one point i thought he was going to come over and talk to me but instead he stopped and talking to Jess and Emily. so that only thing of him being completely lost that you told me Abby? yeah not true. he talks to pretty much everyone now. so i would think about ditching this effort to become friends if it wasn't that i have this strange desire to warn him about everything that is going to happen to him because he is new here which i can't do unless i am friends with him, plus he seems like the kind of guy i sort of need to be friends with just to make myself a better person. then when we were out of the classroom that other stuff in the hallway happened.

i really wish that i knew what he was thinking every time we looked at each other. was he thinking i was a creep for looking at him so much? or was he thinking exactly what i was thinking? i really wish i could read minds. like REALLY wish i could. it would make things easier. cause he if thought i was a creep well not sure what i would do but at least i would know.

now it is dinner time.

okay so now back to history class. i'll copy and paste and continue:

then we had some reading to do and some questions. who were the first people to get up and move? Devin and Heather. Sawyer had already started to read the stuff, I knew because I had looked back there at Steph. when Devin and Heather came over to him he said "what are you doing here?" and one of them said "you looked lonely". they frustrate me. maybe it would be different if i actually liked them but i don't.

then Katelyn wanted to use my reading since hers was in her locker. i was like noooo just go get it but she is a lazy annoying friend of mine and she didn't want to. so instead she gave me her locker number and combination and i asked Mr. Wickman to go out and get it. which i did. i got it for her and brought it back. yeahhhh looking back not too keen on the idea of doing that for her. anyways we all sort of just worked on our stuff and if we had questions asked each other. everyone was sort of talking and the threesome behind us The Friend, Stalker, and The Other One were doing more talking than working i believe, i don't think they finished but i did. so did Katelyn and Steph. then at one point Devin was like "i'm moving over here cause i can't concentrate" or before that "come on we need to work" and Heather said "come on! party pooper!" or something to that effect. and i learned from listening to their conversation that Devin noticed The Friend was wearing transformers on his shirt and The Friend said that teachers had been thinking they were masks or something all day. i have good ears. mhmm. then Devin and Heather left. yesterday this was when he talked to us. he didn't talk to us at all. kind of frustrating but with the day i had been having it was excepted.

now is when i come to the part where i am suppose to clear up any confusion that you and i are feeling. i do not want to be in a relationship with The Friend. i do not want anyone but the right girl to be in a relationship with The Friend. is that weird that i want that? is it weird that i feel like warning him about what is most likely going to happen to him this school year which is 1) almost every single girl in school will fall for him 2) two months later you find out who are your real friends because everyone else will just leave because once they get to know you better they decide they don't like you 3) you now continue your life as a HRHSer instead of the new kid. i wish i could just warn him about all of it but really i don't think i can. not now at least and by the time i get to that point, if i ever do, it will be too late. but isn't that what friends do? look out for each other? right? so maybe it is a little weird that right now it only goes one way and not the other, at least that i know of. currently i have no idea what he thinks of me if he thinks of me at all. which sucks.

WAIT AGAIN. i forgot a major piece that was making me even more frustrated at everyone around me. near the end of class Steph wrote a note and gave it to Katelyn and all I saw was the word "gay" and then i asked if i could read it and this is what it said. i have it but i don't have to look at it cause i remember it. "Devin said he isn't gay that he is hers". Steph and Devin have gym together so it must have been a topic of discussion. then they were talking about if he was gay or not, and that more people said he was than wasn't. SHUT UP. his sexual orientation isn't any of your freaking business. and it is extremely rude and awful to be talking about it when he is sitting right behind us. and Devin? you have a boyfriend. and when you were asked about him by either Sawyer or Heather, and i don't like the idea of Sawyer asking you about him cause just noooooo. i think they asked if you were going to break up with him and you replied "i don't know". okay. i don't like much about relationships but if you don't know if you want to break up with someone or not, it probably means you should because you don't care about him enough to know for certain that you don't want to break up with him. plus Devin if Sawyer is yours then shouldn't you break up with your boyfriend cause or else you might begin a thing called cheating.

so let's get the facts straight. how many girls do i know like Sawyer or at least i think i know? Devin. Heather. Katelyn. Becca. Kayla. and about Kayla, look at what she posted on his wall "

Hiii I'm Kayla lol I think I met you today in the auditorium durrig pictures... Lol and you were blinding everyone with the mirror... Lol" Katelyn said that Kayla had posted on her myspace "I love Sawyer" if he doesn't know you exist then how the heck do you know you love him? anyways back to the question. that's five. there is probably more than that. how many of these five talk to him? three. do i like him like that? right now, no. right now i just want to be his friend so i can warn of him of all these stalkers. and hopefully i am not one of those stalkers especially since the only thing i have done since i have gotten home from the barn is write this blog and eat dinner and check facebook. wooo! obsession? i'm not sure. i really hope not because i don't want to be that girl who obsesses over a guy and stalks him, like Devin does and probably most every girl who is friends with him on facebook. i really don't want to be that girl. so Abby if you think i am please tell me to knock it off.

becoming friends with someone is so much harder than i thought. scratch that. it is just as hard as i thought it would be maybe harder but you know it's sort of different thinking about becoming friends with someone and actually trying to be.

now i could talk about the other part of my life. horses. but i won't because i'm on the subject of school now and i don't feel like changing it. i could talk about how Maeve is going to the middle school dance tonight but i won't. i will talk about how i wish i had talked to Sawyer long enough to tell him that i had played that game he posted on facebook and stumped the genius twice but i didn't. but i might be able to twist it so i could say i played it all weekend cause it was addicting. i'm always thinking and planning. i have more conversations with people in my head then in real life. ha. ha. ha. yeah not funny, more like wow you are a social failure. but hey, i can diagram sentences!

EDIT: it is 6:36. look below to see what it was when i started this. i just finished this a second ago.

day six times two

so just to end it this off i am going to copy and paste what i just told Abby what happened during seventh period

so we had about 10 minutes of class left over when Ms. C was done talking so we could move our seats. Sawyer sat in front of me to talk to Devin who is diagonal from me now and Steph sat on the chairs near the computer. so i was talking to Steph while Sawyer and Devin were talking then Katelyn came over and sat at the other chair then Steph wrote on her notebook "devin likes sawyer" which i said outloud "duh" then i wrote on it "stalker" then Katelyn added on the paper "and Becca and Kayla Peters who said she LOVES him" then i think they wrote more and before they were talking about if he was gay or not cause some people thought so and i was sort of getting upset at them gossiping about him when he was sitting right there. then Devin had to leave with Heather and Sawyer had gotten up to ask Mrs. C something and i had taken off my glasses to get off some paint and he came back and said "you should just get contacts" and i said "i would but my eyes are too sensitive they say" and he said "yeah that is what my eye doctor said then i changed and they work fine now" and then i explained now i had surgery when i was 2 for my lazy eye and i had eye drops every day then Sawyer told us about when he got hit in the eye with a snowball and his iris turned red and he was so close to become blind which grossed the three of us out and how he was out of school for 5 days which most were snow days and how he couldn't go on the computer just watch movies and then i said something about my parents have lasic surgery then my dad having surgery on his knees and all he did was play video games, Katelyn or Steph said "wii?" and i said "no xbox, how could he play wii when he had surgery on his knee?" and then Steph and Sawyer said that you could play wii from sitting down and then the bell rang and we all went our separate ways. and during all of this Katelyn, the one who has a crush on Sawyer, didn't say anything. which i understand but i also know it doesn't work. and that's my day. XD

and now let me show you my facebook horoscope for today which i think could be pretty accurate:

Today is a day on which you can trust rumors and hearsay, but only if these whispers are about something good, Cancer. It seems odd that good news tends to be kept quiet these days. And it seems that you are somehow involved in one of these efforts to suppress some information. What started as an honest and open statement is being suppressed or distorted by other people. It may be that co-workers or neighbors are having a fit of jealousy about something that is a good and solid reason for the subject of the rumors to be happy, and are trying to produce a negative overlay or spiteful put-downs to keep from sharing in the happiness. But this kind of pettiness and jealousy doesn't really matter now, does it-

This is a time for you, Cancer, where you will see some changes in your overall approach to romantic affairs. You have been spending some much needed time in introspection and reflection, and this will pay off for you in this period. You are becoming much more in tune with your specific needs and how they related to your love affairs. This is setting you up well for progress in love, and the changes that arise as a result are going to be favorable for you. Whether you are single or attached, you are going to find yourself instinctively attracted to exactly what you need to be attracted to today. This is one of those periods where if it feels good, go for it, and you will certainly reap the rewards.

There is no limit to love's forbearance, to its trust, its hope, its power to endure.

day...six.

i have survived six days of school i believe. wed. thur. fri. tues. wed. thur. yeppers. i was planning on doing homework during this short time i have before i have to go babysitting but as you can see, that's not happening. this is the place where i can just write without worrying what i'm saying. this is my "you are not suppose to keep all your emotions bottled up inside, don't be afraid to cry" place because in all reality you can't show your emotions in real life because then a bunch of other crap will happen. but if everyone showed their real emotions, like it wasn't possible not to, then we would live in a completely different world.

so every school year there is something to sort of comes to the top of your list. this list being the one involving most of your attention and energy. this year and last year it was a new guy. which sort of sucks for me. but it keeps me entertained and thinking about something instead of getting into the slump that i was near the end of the year last year, "i don't know what i wake up in the morning for except for my future and family". so yeah, now i sort of have something i'm doing during school other than school work, the whole keeping busy thing. anyways i'm trying to think of the best way to go about writing down everything that has happened in the past two days and how i was feeling in about five to ten minutes. maybe i'll do bullets and see how far i get. - indicates something that happened or was said * indicates something i thought. let's see how this works and since i really don't feel like writing his name out all the time his name is going to be Friend just because i feel like it.

- Friend wasn't in homeroom so my whole fearless plan seemed to be crushed

* what if he comes in late and i'm in the office when he does so?

- 2nd period, barely there and bam in comes Friend with his mother. both of them look kind of loss but i explain what needs to be done and such and mother leaves and Friend goes off to chemistry

* i should have told him to breathe, he looked very lost but i'm so special that i think of this stuff afterwards

- lunch was uneventful and kind of boring

- algebra class i say to Friend "did you have fun at your doctor's appointment" and then we go through a bunch of stuff and i could tell he was confused about know i knew, he thought that i came in late too at once point then i said "i work in the office 2nd period on A days" and he got it and that was pretty much the end of our conversation as The Snot started yelling at us

- english Friend worked with Heather, Jon, and Josh on a sentence pattern thingy which was fine cause i'm too far away to ask him to work with him without getting up out of my seat and making a big deal out it, plus Katelyn would have killed me and i don't like having her in my english class too much but i'll deal

- history me Steph and him were the first ones in and i talked to him about the sentence stuff in english and he told me about last year with Free Rice and such then i believe the convo sort of drifted off because everyone else sort of came in and made it so he was too far away from my seat so i moved to Stephanie

- was in a good mood for the rest of history class

- end of the day including Friend

today, thursday

- homeroom i came in and none of my friends were in there but Friend was there so i went over and asked him how he did on the algebra homework and when that went nowhere i asked him about english and he hadn't done it yet and i believe that is when Abby came in and the convo sort of drifted towards them cause i can't partake in any dance convo and i believe i asked Heather what happened to her leg somewhere in there and that was in

- remembered and told Abby about The Creeper posting "HEY MOLLY!" about five times on my facebook and me deleting them all this morning (off topic)

- lunch i ate my lunch with Stephanie and then went over to the table where he, Katelyn, Devin, Becca, Paige, Danielle, Vicky, and Haley were eating. i believe that Sawyer was mostly talking to Vicky and i mostly talked to Katelyn and Becca who BOTH have a crush on Friend which is incredibly stupid because they don't talk to him

- before algebra i didn't say anything i don't believe because he came in later than normal and there was no time

- english same thing, didn't say anything except him and Devin started saying some stupid number/cosemetic thing that got really annoying

- when we were all walking to english he talked to Vicky and Katelyn just annoyed me

- history i talked to him about diagramming and how he thought it was easy i think but now i have to leave for babysitting and i was just getting to the best part so i shall have to do it when i get back. and the only reason i am doing this is so i don't forget anythinggg.

so tired. and i have another day tomorrow.

it's 8:15. i finished my homework 5 minutes ago. i'm exhausted. i won't fall asleep until close to 9:30 even though i want to now. and i probably won't make this too long because my eyes are starting to close on me and putting sentences together is on auto pilot now.

but today i think was a pretty good day. i set in some foundation for my new making friends career. honestly it is stupid in a way, shouldn't people just be able to make friends without thinking of what to say to them beforehand so to not make a fool of themselves? plus what if all of it ends up being for nothing?

and i'm sick of listening to talk about the office. that is one of the reasons i love school, even though i don't love school, there is no talk about office and work there.

so in history i was in a good mood today mostly because i was able to talk to Sawyer before everyone else came in cause i was smart and knew he got to class early so i got to class early by just bringing my stuff with me and not going to my locker - see Abby, i'm trying and smart. anyways that put me in a good mood for the rest of the day until i got home and started homework even though i never talked to him again all day cause he sits too far away. maybe when Ms. Carpenter moves our seats i'll be able to be nearer. but in English he worked with Heather, Josh, and Jon-Jay which I guess was a good thing minus the Heather part but he sits too far away in that class too.

anyways yeah my life does revolve around me making friends or anything. that took me five minutes to type up. wait i want to copy and paste what i told Abby earlier just so i have it documented:

kk. i just wanted to say what Jon gave me a compliment indirectly. he talked to Maeve on the bus when i went to the barn and he said "so are you as smart as your sister?" and when maeve replied "i don't know" he said "oh well she is in the top of our class". i feel like that was the most important pice of information i had to tell you which i just found out about two seconds ago.

i don't know if you know Jon or not but a compliment coming from him is pretty good seeing as he could easily be labeled the smartest person in the class. now time for bed. love you. and happy 09.09.09

Love Horoscope for 9/8/09

Your Love Horoscope

Love is the focus of today, Cancer, and you are feeling it coming at you from all directions. Whether you are single or attached, you are simply wanting to express exactly what it is you are feeling today, and exactly who it is you are feeling it for. This may involve a long overdue phone call or an email to someone that you care about. If you sense that someone is down today, you will be able to reach out and offer them communication of some sort that will cheer them up in a way that only you can. This may also be a good time for you to begin a new romance, so if someone is extending communication to you, you most certainly want to receive it well today.