hi so last episode of a few hours ago is over. watched some Netflix. feeling fine again. but still is a part of my life so it shall remain there.

i'm about to go to sleep but I just was thinking about something. how I become friends with people I never thought I would. sure I have some typical friends, like roxy and Kristen - like we were just meant to be friends and it was obvious from the start. buuuut let me give you some other examples.

the one I was just thinking of was Joe. freshman year when we first met him I thought he was a creep and I didn't like him. and I didn't want him in my fme group and I was actually disappointed when he was in my fme group.

(side note, I just went through the beginning of freshman year to see if I mentioned fme or joe and no I didn't, but boy was I going through a rough time with my whole dad thing and shit with josh anyways back to the happy subject I was writing about)

but now he is one of my best friends actually. when I went to visit babson I only spent time with three people, Ellie, Joe, and barely even Emma...well I did see Sarah and Colin too. but anyways. yeah it is strange how freshman year I was trying to stay away from him. but I wouldn't have been able to do fme without him and he has been a really good friend. i'm going to miss him while he is in san fran next semester.

and then ellie as well, freshman year we really weren't friends. I thought she was negative and kind of annoying. and I sort of tried to stay away from her and distance myself as well. but now we are twins and inseparable and best friends. so yeah.

Amelie as well. that is different. she was just in one of my classes first semester freshman year and I thought she was cool but I didn't ever talk to her and she was just always cool Amelie. and now we are best friends as well.

and then in shanghai, I would have never guessed I would be friends with Derek. he was on the first weekend trip and he had gone out to a club the night before and had this huge obnoxious temporary tattoo of a radiation sign on his neck. and I was just like....oooohkay. but then he started to hang out with us during the hong kong trip and now I miss having him around and he's another good friend.

so basically molly, you need to stop judging people and give everyone a chance because they could be great friends. i'm exciting to see who else I misjudged and becomes my friend next. let's just hope I don't miss out on any friends because I read them wrong the first time.

but now it is 12:20 in the morning and i'm tired so it is bed time for me. night!

okay so I am going to talk about something I don't usually talk about because it is usually not supposed to be discussed and it is all hush hush.

cause guys are allowed to be horny and girls aren't.

oh wait sorry we just jumped right into it didn't we. okay I haven't kissed anyone in like almost two years. and definitely haven't done anything more. and I miss physical intimacy. like so much to the point where I was reading this girls blog and she has her followers do slutty confessions and I was reading them and they were making me horny so I decided to download tinder and see if I could have some fun but then I realized pretty quickly how stupid that was. and now I am just sitting here feeling stupid and lonely still. just give me a hot male body please.

actually a boyfriend would be nice because then it would be a lot better than just some rando. but either way. just saying it would be nice to you know....

no! not have sex! sorry still not ready. not on birth control. but i'll do everything except for sex.

whoops. sorry not sorry.

hi i'm really tired and I should go to sleep but I just finished watching the movie Almost Famous and I really liked it and now i'm in that happy movie daze after you finish watching a movie.

so Christmas was good. whatever I was complaining about before was over with quickly, I said I was sorry, and it was like it never happened. that's what is great about my family, we will just forget it and move on. but Christmas was nice and we all played nice and appreciated each other and everything. so overall it was a...satisfying? content? Christmas.

other than that I went over to the lake house to see my dad and I finally met his new kids. it was really awkward. and at one point I had to try not to cry because I just took a step back and saw him with this new family all shiny and new for him to have fun with. and I think of my family he just tossed aside who are broken and struggling but who I love so much and who are so amazing and wonderful. but he choose them.

so I only stayed over there for a little bit before I left. I have to make it clear where my allegiances lie. I may be the only sister talking to my dad but that doesn't mean I won't side with them every single time. oh also, for Christmas my dad gave me $100 more. so I guess it pays to suck it up and go see your father even though he won't tell you he is getting married.

but I got it the easiest out of my sisters. I haven't had to deal with the shit they have. you should see some of the texts he sends them, it is horrible and no father should send that to his kids. it's weird though because I am thinking he if talked like that to me...it would be over and I would snap. but yet I haven't done anything even though he has said stuff to my sisters. i mean i found out about that stuff after the fact and it wasn't like there was really anything for me to do. but anyways i don't know.

that's the hardest part about all of this is that i don't know what to do. am i supposed to be going over there? or what i am supposed to say to him? am i supposed to stand up to him and tell him all the wrong he is doing? since I've been home we have acted like all the drama about him not telling me he was getting married didn't happen. and apart from his girlfriend hiding from him when i met him at the office, she has acted like none of those facebook messages happened - which by the way he of course sides with her and didn't think they were bad. wait stop molly we aren't going there again.

okay yeah so anyways now my life is going back and forth between dealing with this shit and pretending it doesn't exist. we are just happen the four of us here though as long as we aren't reminded about any of the following: 1. we have to sell our house and move into a house 3x smaller 2) we have to pay for two college tuitions next year and currently are not getting any financial aid 3) apart from working at the barn, my mom isn't working 4) our dad is an asshole 5) and i am sure there is more but you get the point.

overall though, i am grateful and happy with life right now. it is what it is.

also just a reminder this is not an all inclusive look into my life. it's some highlights, some lowlights, and some just plain lights. so don't take this as my entire life. there is a lot i don't write about and that doesn't mean those parts are any less important than those i do write about. okay?

so you can know how much of a mess I am and how stupid I am.

I was making a grilled cheese and I burnt one side of it so I was just like "ahhh, hate when that happens" and my mom makes one of her faces and then says "well it shouldn't be at medium-high and just take that side off" in one of her tones like looking down on me and like "seriously, molly, you know better than that" and i'm like "no, it's fine" and she is like "no one likes eating a burnt grilled cheese" and I think she could tell that her tone was too harsh because she is trying to bring it back. and i'm trying to say that it's fine, I can handle making a grilled cheese. and she is like no, let me fix it. and then I storm off and say fine you can make it. and she is like, no let me teach you. so then I start silently crying and sit on my laptop while she makes me a grilled cheese.

I know I shouldn't have freaked out but i'm assuming it still has to do with transitioning to living at home. i'm used to living in Nashville where if I burnt my grilled cheese I would either eat or I would make the decision to make a new one. I wouldn't have my mom telling me what i'm doing wrong and taking over. or in china where I would have to go and order my food and if I ordered wrong I was either stuck with that food or I would have to buy something else.

so I reacted poorly and freaked out and that's great and all. but I just want to curl up and go back to sleep now cause now i'm in a bad mood. even though I slept from like 9pm to 10:30am.

oh  yeah happy Christmas eve. and here I am ruining everything. awesome. over a grilled cheese. double awesome.

I am leaving in 10 days. Let me repeat that. I am leaving in 10 days. I don't believe it at all. It seems like I just got here. But then at the same time I'm ready. I'm ready to not have class every morning and to just be able to relax for a bit. I'm ready to see my family. I'm ready to get away. I am ready for fast internet speed. I am ready to drive in my car. I am ready for non-polluted air. I am ready for food other than Chinese food.

I am not ready to leave the inexpensive food. I'm not ready to say goodbye to my friends. I'm not ready to leave the feeling of home I've created here.

People often focus on the "abroad" part of living or studying abroad and forget about the whole "living" part. I have a whole little life I've created here. Life as in 24 hours a day I am here in China living. And the life I have known for the past three and a half months is going to change again whether I am ready or not.

I still need a lot of time to reflect and that isn't really what this blog post is about, really I started this post because I need to write a blog post for a brand deal for this radio website TuneIn who sent me an awesome care package but I don't know how to write it and what to do so I thought writing here would help me a bit but so far no luck.

I know this is the part where I am supposed to reflect and all but that is hard because like I've just been living my life here and I have adjusted. But I started to come up with a list when I was walking here so I guess I will start writing that.

nahh just kidding. I don't want to. I will come back to this later and hopefully figure out that sponsored blog post. (i never came back later and i am just posting this now but it should have been posted on 12/4)

okay quick update.

I miss shanghai. I miss the people. I missed how capable I felt and how comfortable and happy I was there. like it feels so amazing to go navigate the subways of shanghai with your friends and go discover someplace new. I miss that. I miss Kristen, I miss derek. I even miss Nasser and josh some too. but mainly roxy, Kristen, and derek. and mickayla too. and my roommate - who left without even saying bye to me! I came back to my room on Saturday after being out all day and all her stuff was just gone. and when I wechated her she said that it was too much - saying goodbye and all. when I saw all her stuff was gone I almost cried. it was so sad. I miss her so much. she was probably the best roommate I've ever had. I love her!

and I didn't say goodbye to derek. I figured he was out drinking all night, but ended up he stayed in and stayed up all night saying goodbye to everyone - well, everyone but me. he didn't text me and I didn't text him either. after he left he messaged me and he felt bad and all. but now i'll just have to see him again I guess. but it was getting to that point where I was paranoid if he liked me or not. like did I tell you about the night we just walked around talking? hold on, let me check. yes, I did. okay so that night like I didn't think about it at all, I wasn't interested in him and I didn't really think he was interested either - or it didn't cross my mind. so it was fun and relaxing. and then people start saying things and then I start wondering. and then I start thinking...."do I like him?" and then I pay too close attention to what he is saying or doing and what i'm saying and doing. and it drives me crazy. and i'm still doing it even though i'm not in shanghai, like posting snap stories just because I know he will see them and then keep checking to see if he saw it or not. even though I know that it would never work and I know I am not actually that interested, even though I really like him. but he is just a really good friend and I should really stop reading into things. but hey last night i found out a guy liked me i ended up dating him for 2 years - completely different situation. but i still miss him.

in other words, i saw my dad today and basically completely avoided all the messy stuff. when he brought up my sisters i basically said nothing he said he understood that i didn't want to get in the middle of that so then we just continued onward. so we are back to our agreement where we just pretend like nothing is wrong. which is fine. i would rather just be cordial so that way it still seems like i have a father. both maeve and Maura aren't talking to him now. he scared Maura because she said she didn't want to go see him and then he said something and she flipped out and he said something about "I see you are spying on the girls again" or something like that thinking that it was mommy, but Maura thought that he was spying on her. so she was super scared cause she was home alone and it ended up Maura went and stayed at auntie lorrie's one night because maeve and my mom were going to be gone all day. but yeah so things aren't all pretty with that. and i don't know what is going to happen. and then of course right before i left shanghai and i said bye the Roxy she said something about how he is still my father and all...which she is saying because her father died. but it's like do you keep him in your life just because he is your father even though he is toxic and not good for you? i mean i can handle it because i barely ever have to see him and i can suck it up for one lunch every while. but my sisters have to deal with his bullshit and emotional abuse and him only thinking about himself more often. they are happier when they don't have to go over there and see him. but are you saying they should be unhappy and anxious and have their emotions and minds messed with just because he is their father? it's a fine line to walk there and while i know where Roxy was coming from what she said has been haunting me and i feel like it wasn't her place because it is a completely different situation.

whoops i just made the mistake of reading the last facebook message Anna sent me that i haven't been reading because it wasn't worth it and it just made me so mad again. she is focused on him again. not thinking about us at all. all about my dad and how hurt he is. what about the kids he left behind and how messed up and hurt they are? let us just push aside our feelings so our dad can feel better about himself, don't worry Anna, we will just forget about everything he has put our family through so his blood pressure will go down. for reference:

I am really sorry to cause you and your sisters pain. However your father is the one hurt most. I turned off my profile  back a while ago just to avoid any complications.
But I like to keep in touch and share my life with my family in Taiwan.
I will not bother you anymore and will un connect  with you on FB.
My family like you and think highly of you. I sincerely hope the best for in the future.
I knew you didn't  like me and don't want to get in between your dad and your sisters. I don't know how much you know the pain that you girls do to him and I am really worry and scared. His blood pressure and sleeping is getting worse.
Please don't tell him I said this to you as he is trying to keep it
together.
Thank you very much.

but honestly it isn't worth me stressing about and getting upset about. no matter what we do or how much we argue or talk about it, he isn't going to change and he will always twist it to make him look like the good guy and like we are the bad guys. oh also he told Maura about how if she actually saw the messages that Anna sent me she would see that aren't bad and that she shouldn't take information 2nd hand. UM, if the messages make me upset, they make me upset no matter what they say and Maura is standing by me that they make me upset, she doesn't need to see them.

okay okay, i need to stop. i need to focus on the happy things. like Christmas is coming soon. maeve and i bought mommy plane tickets to go to the trivia night in st. Louis to see Zach and his family. i am home even though i miss shanghai so much. and i am with my family. and we will figure it out. and i miss my friends. and for some reason i am crying now. i am just exhausted. i need to go sleep. i am happy but i just wish i could make all this stupid stuff with my dad go away and have everyone be happy and i wish i could just snap my fingers and go back to shanghai and be with my friends and then be able to come back and be with my family too. it's great that i have a home in so many places: here, babson, Nashville, shanghai, but that means i am always away from a home no matter where i am and i miss it.

hi so I came back to babson to visit and it makes me miss shanghai so much. like I feel so out of place and out of the loop. there are all these faces I don't recognize. I don't feel like I can contribute to the conversations. and I don't have anything to say. joe kept asking me to tell a story but I had no idea what to say or where to start. so I told them to ask me questions and ellie asks me "what is the biggest cultural difference" like what?! I don't know how to answer that. and it was just so awkward. like they are talking about cars and their finals and what happened the other day. and i'm just like...ummm...and then we went out to dinner with Ellie and then Sarah L and Colin who I am not even that close with and we went to the local and I wasn't feeling that great and everything on the menu looked unappetizing so I got a flatbread not realizing it was really just a pizza and I didn't like that either. and now I am hiding in ellie's room because I am staying over because I have an interview for an internship at Spotify tomorrow in boston and I hear Sarah complaining about how the grilled cheese she bought was so expense when we could have just gone to Qdoba. sorry I didn't want to go to Qdoba, and I would have went to CPK but you are the one who said to pull into the local. which I didn't enjoy either. and then later Gerber was actually asking me questions but like..."do you feel like the buzzfeed article when you return from abroad? ... like you feel above everyone else and all cultured and stuff" and I was like noooo not at all, I just feel out of the loop, and asked if I missed it and I said I did and ellie said "but not as much as she missed me!" and then Gerber was asking me about the food which was good but then she got sidetracked and was asking me if they had all these weird flavours of stuff since her friend went to japan and they had this this and this. and I don't know, I just feel really awkward and I don't know what to say and it really sucks. I just want to go back. and it sucks just having this huge part of your life but you don't know how to share and communicate it to your friends. and them not knowing what to ask or whatever. and really I am just looking forward to going back home and curling up by myself. at least my family asks me questions and such that were good when we were driving home from the airport.

but I just ranted to Kristen about how it is so hard and blah. I am just going to go to sleep now...

so my thanksgiving didn't turn out all that bad. I gave myself a reality check. and I enjoyed my takeout from the cafeteria. and then I went to the movies and enjoyed hanging out with my friends. and overall it could have been a lot worse. but now I definitely appreciate my time with my family a lot more.

but I am thankful I am here in shanghai and I have this opportunity to study abroad. I am really blessed and I appreciate all of it.

even so I will be happy once I am home.

hi it's thanksgiving and i'm at work and I just want to curl up and cry. I didn't think not being with my family on thanksgiving would affect me that much. since last year was a crap show at my dad's house. but at least I was with my sisters.

this year I am at work until 7 and then i'm just going to get takeout from the cafeteria. then I guess i'm going to the movies with my friends. but it just sucks. I was supposed to get dinner with Kristen but she got invited to a thanksgiving dinner so she is going to that and i'll still be at work. so I just found out that i'll be spending thanksgiving dinner eating my takeout food alone in my room. of course Kristen was like are you sure? and of course I was like "yeah!" because I don't want her to leave her dinner early just to sit there and watch me eat so I don't have to be alone.

and then when I called earlier to talk to my family it was sad too, not that they were having a bunch of fun but just that they were together. and they didn't ask what I was doing for thanksgiving. and I really need to stop thinking about this or else i'm going to start crying during work. I still have 5 more hours of work to go.

this really sucks. I just want to be home.

so I saw a picture of Josh, Colin, Nicole, and Abby that came up on my facebook. and for a second I was like, I should be there. then I was like no I shouldn't. but then I was thinking what if I was there what would my life look like.

I went back to my 18th birthday when the four of them were on a cruise without me. and what if they had invited me. then I would have went. and I wouldn't have went to vidcon. I wouldn't have went to Disneyland with Taylor Mathews. I would have never officially met Taylor and hung out with him for a day. so Josh and I would have gotten closer during that trip and I never would have experienced California and saw Vidcon and Taylor. so then maybe once I started college I would have tried harder to stay with Josh because I wouldn't have started second guessing our relationship before college even started. that cruise would have strengthen our relationship and given it the strength it needed to endure a long-distance relationship. and then Taylor never would have become close with our family so he never would have stayed over and I never would have blown off Josh to hang out with Taylor and his mom would never have posted passive aggressive posts on facebook about how I hang out with popstars and not my boyfriend. and I would have been happily stuck. or maybe unhappily. and I may have never gotten interested in the music industry. so I never would have moved to Nashville. I definitely wouldn't have because that would have been leaving my boyfriend who I was in a loving committed relationship with. and maybe I wouldn't be here in china now.

but then I have to remind myself that I am still who I am and I think it probably would have ended the same way.

and looking at it all now if I had to choose between the life I have now and the life I described up there where I would have been in that picture with Josh, Colin, Nicole, and Abby - I would pick this life ten times over definitely definitely.

just look at what I have accomplished and how I have blossomed and grown. I think if I was still in a relationship with josh I would have been held back. so I am proud of myself for spreading my wings and getting out of western Massachusetts. and I don't regret a second of it.

anyways I have to get back to my awesome life here in china. you know cause i'm an awesome jetsetter just traveling all over the place making things happen. because I won't allow myself to get stuck.

guys I don't know what to do. I just talked to my dad. and that went fine. but then he started talking about my sisters and saying how they haven't talked to him. and how the day when he asked anna to marry him he could have told my sisters...but when he said he was going to see anna for her birthday they didn't ask him anything like oh what did you get her? or how is she doing? "like any normal person would" and how my sisters never ask him how he is or how his day was and they just act like "spoiled brats." and then telling me how Maeve acts and how she makes it difficult. and how he doesn't know what to do.

also when I told him about anna he said that he is sure she meant well and her English isn't that good so sometimes she doesn't mean what she says. then maeve reminded me that she blocked me on facebook...then unblocked me and proceeded to send more messages.

but anyways I go and tell maeve all of this and I just want to paste some of the messages on here cause I don't know what to do think or what to do about any of this.

this is Maeve's response after I told her basically what I just said above:

wtf
he's literally messed up
 he is honestly a big baby
like he treats us like shit and does all these things a parent should not do and then throws a fit when we don't treat him like respectful kids
hypocrite much
i literally can't even believe he still bad mouths me and mo in front of you.... like what the hell is that going to do
i honestly could care less about someone's life if that person treats me this way
just because he's my father doesn't mean i have to be involved in his life/ eager to know about his personal life
and even if he is upset about us not doing asking him stuff, pretty sure his faults are 10000 times worse. he just says that stuff to deflect the attention away from his actions
this is what he does ALL the time... no matter what you say he always makes it YOUR fault and not his
and anna did not mean well!!!!! blocking you on facebook requires no words & its pretty obvious what that meant

You: yeah i don't even know anymore. i mean all we can do is make the best of a crappy situation and just deal with it i guess. he said he didn't know what to do anymore and that he would give anymore the space or time or whatever they need. but really i'm sure he is still focused on himself.
You: oh right the whole blocking me thing, that does change things.
You: really i just want to get to a state where we can just sort of coexist with him without problems and stress. which i guess is easier for me when i'm not there

Maeve: honestly, whatever you do just don't believe him. its sad but true that all he cares about is him self and he could care less about us. he just wants us to be happy so that he can feel better about himself. its how he works, ive been dealing with it for two years.
but yes, we make the best of the situation. but we do not deal with his behaviour. because i refuse to be disrespected and treated like shit by him anymore. i dont need him in my life constantly telling me im living my life wrong and im the mean one to him and im the one who messed this up for him and for everyone. and thats such a lie that he doesnt know what to do anymore. he is so full of himself.
 it is so obvious that we are upset with his behavior and how the marriage went about. and how does he handle it? never talks to us about it. he doesnt say anything to us. and when he does to me, its insulting and critizing me and bad mouthing me in front of my siblings. does he really thing thats going to make me want to have anything to do with him? he has hurt me enough, and if he continues to pull off his act, i want nothing to do with him. i have honestly been happier in the last month because i havent had to endure my weekly shame session where he attacks me. so we'll see what happens in the future, but for now im over it.

You: Maeve, i believe you, and you have the right to do what you with your life. if you don't want to see him you don't have to. you can make the decision. and honestly i have no idea what to say or do. but i'm here for you and i believe and i will stand by you. i'm sorry i didn't stand up for you when i talked to daddy.

Maeve: its okay! he wouldn't have listened anyways. i'm here for you too, i know it's new to you to see this side of him so it's probably still pretty shocking. i'm not really phased by it as much anymore because ive already felt the hurt from the last two years. so feel free to get out how you feel even if it seems like im over it cause i know its a lot to deal with. even though we're all dealing with it, its a totally different experiece for each of us



soo yeah I don't know what to say or do anymore. I don't know how to handle this situation. I don't want to handle it. I just want to run away from all of it. maybe that's why I am never home. let me go to Nashville, Shanghai, Chile, on tour, anywhere but home.

okay now I have to sleep because tomorrow I have to wake up early to take a shower, study, and try to take care of this toe. and then I have a test, a field trip, and i'm babysitting. so another day in China. only 21 days left...

hi guys a few things. one I am in so much pain right now. I have an ingrown toenail. it started to hurting last weekend. and I realized what it was and I looked it up online and asked my mom. my mom was like you should try soaking it but you  might have to see the nurse - not realizing there is no nurse here, I would have to go to the hospital. so no thanks. I didn't tell her that though because I don't want her to worry, I don't know if she actually would but. anyways it was getting better and I was soaking it twice everyday. and then I didn't soak it for a day and it back tracked a bit. and then today I just sort of killed it because I did a ton of walking and now it is killing me so much as I soak it. like the kind of pain that is starting to make me delirious.

but today I went to Suzhou with Roxy, Nasser, and Derek. we went there because Roxy needed to buy silk stuff for her mom. and the rest of my travel plans failed so this was the best I got. but I think it was good. I didn't realize I had already been to Suzhou when I went last summer until after I bought tickets and all. but it was still good just hanging out with them. Kristen said after last weekend she thinks Derek likes me but ehh i'm not convinced. like it would be nice to have sort of confirmation that guys do like me since you know kind of haven't had much interest at all lately - but it would never actually work. but I do like him and hanging out with him, but as friends. i'm kind of worried about how I come across but whatever, I do what I want to. and then Nasser is cool too, i'm kind of worried about what he thinks about me too, but then I remember that I don't really care. not in a bad way, just that i'm going to do me and not worry about other people.

oh but the other day I realized i'm not as good of a person as I thought I was. the first bad thing. I was shopping with Gianna, Josh, and Kris (I know, names I don't think I have mentioned too much, I don't remember who I have talked about on here or not) but we were getting on the subway and Gianna says someone grabs her butt. and I just sort of brushed it off and didn't really say anything about it to her. and I should have. I should have said "that's disgusting, i'm so sorry that happened, are you okay?" but instead I just sort of ignored it. and that is also setting an example to the other boys that it isn't a big deal. and it is a big deal and it is wrong. but I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING. and I have been beating myself up over it. I thought I was better than that and would have done the right thing. gaaaaah i'm still really upset over that.

and then the next day I was waiting to cross the street and I see a blind man crossing on the other side of the intersection and he is waving his cane in front of him and i'm thinking to myself that it isn't a very practical way because how will he know what he is stepping on. and then I watch as he trips over the curb. and I cringe and gasp. but do I help him? no. I could have saw that coming. and yeah I have a bunch of excuses: he was too far away and I wouldn't have made it in time, I don't speak Chinese so I wouldn't have been able to say anything to help him. but really I just watched a blind man trip and probably couldn't have stopped it.

so yeah here I am thinking I am so awesome and amazing but when push comes to shove, I don't step up. so that's annoying, Molly.

and fitting the song "I Wanna Get Better" by Bleachers was playing on Spotify while I wrote that.

but anyways now I really want to sleep because I am exhausted but I don't know if I have an interview tomorrow morning. because he was supposed to let me know today if that time would still work. well if figure I will still wake up to check my email and see if it is happening. and then I am supposed to go walk around a little water town in Shanghai tomorrow with Kristen and some of her friends. but with my toe that is probably not a good idea but I am going to do it anyways because I only have three weeks left here and I want to make the most out of it. so I will suffer and suck it up and go tomorrow. i'm hoping it will be feeling better soon or else I won't be able to fall asleep.

I feel like I have more I should be telling you but instead I am going to go sleep. so goodnight!

things I should be doing right now:
- finishing my homework
- studying for the quiz tomorrow
- showering
- going through my clothes/cleaning

instead I have a lot to talk about and i'm procrastinating.

let's see where I left off last time. (okay so the last post never went through, I think I wrote it on November 1st)

so I've talked to my dad. and when he called me he didn't even tell me right way and then he just mentioned it like it I already  knew or whatever. like yeah sure I already knew but it would be nice if you told me. and I kind of freaked out and got really upset. and he started spinning it on me, like it was my fault that I didn't contact him and tell him my texts weren't working and that I didn't tell him that I was going to Hong Kong. well there is a big difference between me not saying i'm taking a trip and him not telling his daughter he is getting married. so stupid.

and what makes it even stupider is that his girlfriend messaged me on facebook all this shit. about her pass and how her ex was worse and about how don't I just want everyone to be happy and how this is hurting my dad and how don't I want things to be better and how we will never accept her and how she tried to leave my dad because of us and how she will call off the marriage and blah blah blah all shit. and I responded very nicely and said thank you for your concern and all, but it doesn't really concern you and we just need time. and then she went off on me again and gave another whole rant. and then blocked me on facebook. for like two days and then unblocked. like what the hell? leave me alone, it doesn't have anything to do with you. you are really not helping by acting like a middle schooler sending me long blackmail like rants and telling me to what to do/think/feel and then blocking me. i'm sorry but I have the right to feel/think/do what I want and my dad not telling me that he was getting married made me upset. maybe I didn't handle it in the best way but i'm only 20 and i'm not perfect. so please cut me some slack. this divorce has not be easy in any way.

and then my dad sent me some email today about how he was watching a movie called "Begin Again" and how he thought of me and hoped we could begin again and that he was sorry he made me upset. and I don't even know what to think of that or how to respond. so stupid.

but Kristen got me through it and helped me with everything. I had talked to him in the morning and made it through Chinese class but then I skipped my communication class and went to the movies with Kristen. but then it turns out I shouldn't have skipped class because we were only there an hour (instead of 3) and didn't do anything and he made sure he knew who wasn't there and we didn't do the little presentations we were supposed to do. but whatever. I didn't want to go and while I still feel bad because I don't usually skip class I needed to just take a break. and a few months from now i'll completely forget about that class so we are good.

umm okay different. let me talk about how last night I went to a punk rock strange concert with Derek and it was cool to see. and then we walked around for an hour trying to find the French concession. and we found it. and it was just really nice and relaxing. there's nothing like romantic or feeling wise going on - I just liked hanging out and talking with him and I felt completely comfortable the whole time. which was really nice and different from what I am used to. I think that's just the kind of guy Derek is, he is just so laid back and open that it is easy to talk to him. hopefully I didn't make a fool out of myself because I one point I said that I didn't think very highly of the boys in this program and after now that I am thinking about it I realize that isn't entirely true, that there are actually a good number of boys who are okay. so I feel bad that I said that. but whatever. but I hope he had a good time, it wasn't all that excited and probably wasn't what he usually does on a Saturday night. but he seems sort of go with the flow so hopefully that was good.

umm what else. I did nothing today because I was super lazy. yesterday roxy took me, Nasser, Lillian who was visiting from Hong Kong, and a friend of Claire's (a girl from babson, i'm sure I talked about her before) Brandon, to this shooting/archery place which was pretty cool. and then I did the whole concert thing with Derek.

Josh was gone in Beijing all weekend. but both times he was on the train, on the way there and back he texted me. I am pretty sure he was just bored and he isn't too good on this texting game and I am sorting giving the minimal amount because I am not really sure where we stand. cause I am trying hard not to have feelings for him. I know it is just like a little crush/infatuation thing but I am trying very hard to keep it at the friend level. especially since he has already gone on two dates with this random Chinese girl he met. but I got him to tell me about it. and he came and visited me after his class/tutoring session the other day and we just talked for a bit. we will see how often I see him next week since he is a home stay student and all. and if he just texts me when he is bored or when he wants to meet up and do something.

oooooh I forgot that I woke up at 8am this morning to get video called into the hotel party tour. which honestly was just sad. I cried during multiple songs. because it wasn't the same not being there. it was so strange. I was just by myself in this room in china watching via bad quality video. it lost a lot of its magic. but I told roxy and she was like "why didn't you tell me! I would have watched with you" so I was thinking about not skyping into the one next weekend that my family is going to, but she said she would watch with me so maybe i'll watch it with her and maybe get Kristen to watch too. but I get to miss all of that drama this week, they will be staying at my house from sunday until Thursday night I believe. and they being: Taylor, Zuri, Kyle, and Jennifer (who I met when I went out to dinner with them way back during the Loud Tour days) she is helping Zuri but apparently there is something going on between her and Kyle which makes things awkward. but I wouldn't know because I am not there.

umm oh another nice story for you. after work on Thursday I walked 20 minutes over to a restaurant where I met two of my friend, Elaina and Gianna and we had all you can eat mini-burgers sliders, French fries, chicken wings, and sangria and it was delicious and also really nice. so that was a highlight. I just really have to make sure I get out of my normal routine. like today I was inside all day but I also needed a down day. what I need to do is start scheduling a weekend trip or two. I need to talk to Roxy, Kristen, and Josh, and maybe Derek too. and maybe Elaina. wow look at me with all my friends, now it is hard to decide who to include in my travel plans. that's fun wooo.

okay game plan molly:
- record your voice recording
- do a little studying for the quiz tomorrow
- shower
- sleep or if you are still awake then organize clothes
awesome team, break!

hiii so i'm not sure what to write, I just felt like I should.

I just got back from a weeklong trip around Guangzhou, Hong Kong, Macau, and Zhuhai. So I am exhausted and I have done nothing all day.

but now I have new friends. it's strange. during the trip, I hung out the whole time with this guy named Josh - I know I know. but he was friends with Roxy so by default I sort of hang out with him a lot. and I get along really well with him actually. he kind of reminds me of ex-boyfriend Josh. which is also really weird. but he's 25 and there's no way it would ever actually work between us - but my thought process is to enjoy being his friend and having him around while we are both here in China.

and then I sort of made another friend, Derek, cause he just started hanging out with us. and then yesterday Kristen, Derek, Josh, and I were supposed to go to a beer festival that Roxy was working at for her internship, but then Josh bailed so it ended up just being Derek, Kristen, and I. and it was fun just talking with him and hanging out with them.

it's strange how you make friends though. like I don't know what made Derek want to hang out with me and all. and I don't know. Kristen doesn't understand why I think I can't make friends or why I am confused when I make friends. but yeah that's still a thing.

the hard part now is transitioning from the trip where we hung out all the time and were great buds to our lives back at the dorm and seeing how that works out. like Josh randomly messaged me today but he didn't really say anything, just sent me a sticker disguised as a voice message and that was that. so I am not sure what the point of that was. I think I might see him tomorrow because he has an internship too and the internship class is going on a field trip.

OH WOW look at me talking about this when I have something more pressing to talk about. like the fact that my dad is engaged and he hasn't told me. yeah. I saw a while ago on facebook that Anna posted something in Chinese about him calling his mom to ask for marriage. and I didn't think too much of it. I was like whatever. and then while I was on the trip, maeve called me and told me that he told her. actually more like he had texted Maura and used the word "fiancé" and Maura told Maeve to warn her. and then he and Anna brought them out to dinner and told them then. and I still haven't been told by him. I can't get texts on my phone but that isn't an excuse because he can viber me, email me, ask my sisters why I am not responding. but then yesterday Anna messaged me on facebook making it sound like my dad was worried and making sure I was okay. yeah i'm fine. thanks so much for your concern. then finally daddy messaged me on viber. still so mad though that he hasn't told me. it has almost been a week. thanks so much, dad.

whatever.

but my lazy day has to end now. time to go get dinner and then I have a presentation to put together for tomorrow. and then i'm sure tonight i'll probably get a call from my dad. that will be fun. can't wait.

okay guys i'm actually really fine. I didn't even remember Abby's last name...and looking at pictures I wasn't wishing I was there. like I felt 100% good that I wasn't part of all of that anymore. wow. okay. great. i'm better than I thought. cool. now I can go sleep. night!

i'm in fucking china and i'm thinking about and missing them. wow molly. good job. no it's okay because even though i'm in china, i'm still me.

hi so I don't know if I've mentioned Kristen but she is awesome and I just spent like the past two hours just talking to her. but what happens is that when you talk to someone you often talk about your past and you tell them stories and such. so tonight was telling her about my falling out with Abby and the whole Josh thing too and it's strange. it's strange that what happened before and these people that I don't talk to anymore are still sort of part of my life as I tell my new friend about them. it's like they are still a part of me. which is kind of sad. my best friends from high school. now they probably both hate me. but yet I still talk about them to my new friends. or at least Kristen. it's so easy to talk to her and just talk about our lives. it's really nice and refreshing. i'm so lucky and glad that she is here.

but it's kind of hard thinking about josh and abby and all of that. it makes me want to look up to see how they are doing. but then Kristen was talking about how if abby was a true friend she would have come to me and talked to me instead of getting fed whatever crap josh's mom was probably saying about me. it's hard losing your boyfriend and your best friend at the same time. also Kristen was saying how Abby's confidence and identity are probably tied up in Colin since they have been together so long. and i'm sure that's probably true. okay you are probably like "Kristen said" yeah yeah she doesn't know anything you just met her and you just told her all these stuff. well right now she is one of my best friends and she is here.

now i'll probably go stalk josh and abby again before I go to sleep. now that I really want to but i'm still so curious especially now that I have been talking about them. or i'll go read old blog posts. oh but I was saying before that I don't think i'll fully move on (I mean I have moved on completely but you know...) until I get another boyfriend. because all my feelings and affections and love were all given to Josh and he is the only one who has had that from me. so until someone else earns that or wins that or gets that from me and I decide to give that to someone else...Josh still owns all of it, even if it was years ago. he is still the only one.

I miss him.

so I looked up our house's listing and it was sad. it was sad seeing all the pictures of our house like no one even lived there. my room looked so empty without the wall decorated and all my stuff. the tenants will be out of our old house by November 1st so there is a chance that by the time I go back we will have moved...it's kind of hard. I mean I moved before but that was different because we kept the old house and I barely remember that now. plus it was on happier occasions. now we are moving because of a divorce and to a smaller house where I won't even have my own room and it won't feel like home because I will never be there really. so when I come home for breaks it won't feel like home. I mean I guess that's growing up and that happens. it's just kind of hard that's all.

but it's alright I am glad I am here in china. and now I am seriously looking into studying abroad next fall as well in south America because my mom gave me the "go for it" so I have a Skype call with the study abroad advisor on Tuesday. and I am looking at internships and jobs for the spring. ahh crazy stuff. first midterm is on my Monday as well but i'm not really worried I just have to do some readings.

but it's okay. i'm in a good place right now. I am where I want to be. I am doing what I want to do. I am working towards my goals and passions. I am confident in myself and my choices. I am moving forward and whatever happens happens. I am still very driven and motivated, as long as I am happy then everything will be great.

I think that's all. i'll try to keep you updated. but life is good.

hi, i'm not even sure what to say to you. i'm very tired and I should just go to sleep but i'm listening to music and all curled up in my bed and I just wanted to write for a bit.

I was just in Taiwan for a week. I stayed with my dad's girlfriend's brother and mother. which is kind of strange. but they were so nice and welcoming and they are the best. it was him, his wife, their two daughters, and his mother. roxy and I saw so much and navigated through Taiwan by ourselves. I even did a day by myself because roxy was sick. so I took a tour bus to beipu and then lion's head mountain. I hiked a mountain by myself and it was amazing. that was the best day and the best adventure. just to be alone and to figure everything out by myself. there is nothing like that feeling of just traveling by yourself.

but i'm just still living in china. I don't know if I am becoming a better person or having the experience of a lifetime. all I know is that is it a lot harder living here than at babson. I can't just ask people things. I basically can't talk to anyone expect those in my program. which becomes a problem when you want to go anywhere, buy anything, eat food, etc. And then just doing Chinese everyday is exhausting. I don't know, I just kind of feel disconnected from everything. it's not a bad thing, it's just hard living abroad. I love it and I am glad I am here and I wouldn't change it. but sometimes you just wish your internet didn't keep disconnect from your phone so you can't call your dad and that you could just talk to your mom instead of getting a card from her and only exchanging a few texts in a week.

now I need to stop because i'm feeling sad. really I just need to sleep. up at 8am again for another quiz.

ahh I don't know i'm just trying to figure life out I guess. all I can do is take on one day at a time. same as if I was back home. I just do it here.

I don't know, just having one of those nights where I want something more...like I want to talk to someone or I don't know, like something is missing.

probably sleep. okay sleep now. goodnight!

oh heeeeeey, long time no see. guess where I am? yeah don't worry, i'm in Shanghai. in my dorm right now. so you probably have so many questions about everything...

I survived the flight obviously. it wasn't that bad at all. umm orientation was overwhelming. luckily I have Roxy. it's basically like freshmen year all over again meeting everyone and stuff. it's starting to calm down now and we are making friends and all.

Kristen is my best new friend. she is so awesome and I am so glad she is here and we found each other and all. anyways yeah I could go on about her more and I am sure she will come back up again.

Chinese class is okay. we have it everyday and we have a quiz everyday. but it isn't too hard maybe because I know the basics already so it comes to me pretty quickly. but it's okay. it's hard though and it's easy to get discouraged. but I am hoping I will get better.

I am loving living here though. I feel so independent. like I just get things done. I go to my internship by myself (which is kind of boring as well but that's an internship for you) by the metro and I can order food by myself, I can get the taxi driver to the right place and all. basically i'm bad ass. even though I don't speak the language at all, I can get by surprising well. I can figure things out. I have a ton of stories I can tell you. like getting my visa changed. and finding my internship. and getting take out. and just everything that comes with living in a country where you don't speak the language.

i'm sure i'm still in the "honeymoon" phase of studying abroad. i'll hit a low probably once I come back from Taiwan. oh yeah next week Roxy and I are going to Taiwan and staying with daddy's girlfriend's brother and mother. that will be interesting. but it's better than paying for a hotel and they will be welcoming I know. but we will see how it goes. I know that we will figure out what to do whatever happens.

it's just so strange that i'm here in china existing and doing life. life at babson seems so easy and distant. like being able to talk to the people who serve you food and being able to ask anyone a question and being able to drive places and being able to use a gps and understand the labels on things and not needing to bargain...like so easy.

maybe that's why i'm already considering studying abroad again next fall. I know that wasn't in the plan. the plan is to study abroad now. next semester get a job, try to be an fme mentor, maybe an internship in boston for the semester. then the summer either internship or tour. then next year try to be head fme mentor, internship, and start figuring out the rest of my life. if I study abroad in the fall of senior year I 1. miss out on senior year fun and festivities 2. my friends will be so mad and miss me 3. no head fme mentor 4. no concentrations in entrepreneurship/global management 5. miss my family again. BUT on the other side if I go study abroad again 1. either learn Spanish or continue learning Chinese (not in china though) 2. experience this all again and push myself 3. i'm paying for tuition anyways might as well pay to be somewhere else instead of at babson 4. travel while I can! I mean I know I can travel more afterwards but who knows where i'll be or what I will be doing 5. really help myself become who I am meant to be

I don't know, it is really just an idea. I need to look at all the graduation requirements and all. but it's a possibility. because why not?

but we will see how china goes and how it feel about it after 3.5 months. again still in the honeymoon stage so studying abroad again of course sounds great now. we will see how I feel when it's over.

okay so I have a test tomorrow. I have my tutor in 10 minutes. and then I have to meet with some other kids to put together a dialogue. wooo. so great. it's alright. i'll be done with the week before I know it and then i'll be in Taiwan so soon! ahhh another country! so excited!

guys I leave for china tomorrow at 6am. it doesn't seem real. at all. I am still here on my computer to procrastinate actually finishing everything. it's like I don't want to go. but I do. i'm kind of freaking out. I keep going through mood swings about it. right now I am really nervous and scared and don't want to do anything.

I almost cried saying bye to my dad last night. but then I saw that he put Anna above me as the medical whatever contact. then I kind of remembered the whole situation.

but saying goodbye to maeve and Maura is going to be so hard when I do that in 5 hours. and then when I say goodbye to ellie and get to my mom. it's like I was practically gone this long when I was at school but then I wasn't so far away. ahh the next few days are going to be rough. I don't know what I am doing.

just pray for me.

sooo last night i was in the bathroom and i heard maeve and maura going off on my dad about something he did and then other things he did and how he always did this. and basically attacking him. and for some reason i couldn't stand it. i was trying to hum so i couldn't hear. but then i came out of the bathroom and i told them that they needed to stop doing that and it wasn't helping anything and they were going to have to come with terms with him. and how it is easy to just make him a monster and attack everything he does. it's harder to look at his reasons and not just judge him.

but they didn't agree with me at all. they were just venting about how they feel and how they don't want to be like him.

but it's like they are here in ireland because of him and he is spending all this money on us and doing all this stuff for us but as soon as he leaves the room you talk shit about him? it just doesn't add up in my eyes.

they don't think they are in the wrong. but i think it is easier for them to just attack him and just cast him as the bad guy. i know for sure it would be easier if i could just do that.

but anyways it led to me breaking down and crying because i still have this war in my head that i can't figure out. i have no idea what to think or believe. i could be completely wrong about everything. so basically i was under the covers trying to be quiet while crying while maeve was still talking to me. and then i woke up to a note where she wrote out basically how she knew she should try not to be so angry and attack him like that but she didn't think she was in the wrong. and how i could talk to her about anything.

but it's not that simple is it? it's not about being right or wrong. it's about somehow coming to peace with all of this so we don't feel the need to vent and attack our father even if he says something we don't agree with (i don't agree with a lot of what he said but i guess you realize that his opinion might seem like yours now but it won't be forever) and so we won't break down and cry ourselves to sleep.

oh and then i was freaking out about china and if i don't like it. maura asked me what if i don't like it. and every time daddy starts talking chinese i cringe and am just like no no no. which is going to be great once i get to china and everyone is talking chinese.

anyways now i guess once maeve and maura are ready i'm going to have to say i'm sorry and tell them to forget about it, how my mind is a mess and i don't know what i am doing, and they were fine, and i shouldn't have said anything last night. if only i had kept my mouth shut.

but three more days in ireland. then two days at home. then china. great.

i don't even know where to begin.

i'm in ireland currently. it's been so strange to be thrown back into my father's side of the family after i've tried to distance myself from him. it's like he is the same as he was except for mentions about Anna or her kids. and mommy isn't here. i had managed to avoid any conversation about that shit until today. maeve and maura were at a disco with evelyn and lauren but i'm too old so i got to spend the night with my dad. and he brought up the whole paying for college thing. and how he is only paying 8,000 per semester even though 1/3 is more than that. and then how mommy was dragging out the whole lawyer thing and how much that cost and how that was what he had to do. and basically when i talk to him he makes mommy sound like the bad guy and when i talk to mommy she makes daddy sound like the bad guy. so i have no idea what is the truth. and it's really hard. i know i'm not home a lot of the time, well most of the time, so i don't have to deal with it then. but both mommy and daddy share more with me and than maeve and maura and i have the whole college and money thing to worry about and i just feel so conflicted and torn apart. and it is so hard. and now i am crying. i haven't had a good cry in a while though. i hate this. i hate the stupid fucking divorce. why couldn't it just work and they both be the right people for each other and love each other and make it work and be happy?

sobbing now. at least this song is accurate, listening to Blue by Fever Fever. cause they are all i listen to.

and it make it even better at the end of the night with daddy he drove past where he used to spend his summer where his dad's family lived. and first he was sort of all flustered and upset about the fact that everything that used to be there was gone and there were all these new buildings and it was all built up. and then he starts telling me about his past and how his dad's dad, his grandfather was so strict and how it was strange since my dad's dad was so selfless, my grandfather. and how my grandfather's brother was a deadbeat basically and how when my dad was little his dad's brother molested him and how his mother doesn't even know.

why do you unload that on me?! i don't need to know that. like thanks for sharing and all but i have enough conflicting thoughts and feelings about you already.

so he goes on to tell me how he used to pay with the children of the couple who owned the bar and farm down the street. and how he has 90% good memories from there except for the whole you know he was molested part. and he said while it didn't really mess him up too much it would have messed up his family more if he told them. so he didn't. he was a little boy!

now i am crying again. i'm crying for my dad. and i'm crying for my granddad. that was another moment when we went to visit my granddad's grave and seeing my dad cry and watching as he touched his father's gravestone.

this is not some relaxing vacation. this is a slap in the face that as easy as it is to make my dad into a monster and forget he even exists and just let him run off with his new family, he is still my dad and he has a family and a whole history here and i have family here who still love me even though i haven't talked to them in years.

okay deep breaths. this is all so much. and daddy was asking me about china and my internship and what i want to do with music and if i thought about a&r and if i wanted a house with land and horses or if i wanted to be in the city and what if i liked china so much i wanted to stay and i don't have it all figured out yet okay. i am just trying to make it through this trip. as much as i want to know the answer to everything, i can't. i'm leaving for china in a week. i don't think i am ready at all. i just want to curl up in my bed at home and sleep for days. but i don't even have days when i get home. then i'll be off to china.

i'm having one of those freak outs now. i don't want to go to china. i just want to stay home. i need to stop. i really just need sleep. it's been a long night. a long day.

i'll just listen to fever fever and go to sleep. actually i might start looking up flights from china to australia. to visit my more of my long lost family.

quick update: my mom and i drove straight through the night to get home last night, it took 20 hours with a few break. left at noon nashville time got home at 9:30am eastern time. so that was awesome.

tomorrow i leave for ireland. is 24 hours i'll be sitting on the plane waiting for it to take off or taking off.

two weeks until i leave for china. wow.

i can't stop listening to fever fever's new album.

i really should be sleeping right now.

i am currently sitting in the office of rounder records on my last day of work. I really have nothing to do. so I am just trying to pass the time.

I feel like this would be a good time to do a little reflection. or just write about whatever I want. I had lunch with liza and matt which was good. and I mentioned how I might want to go on tour next summer and liza was like we might be able to do that for you. and she already told tracy who mentioned that she would be able to do that if I come back. so next summer is already looking promising between that and everyone I've met here i'll definitely be able to land an awesome internship/job/on the road gig next summer. well at least I hope so. but look at me already looking ahead to next summer.

last night I had a Skype call with two guys I'm going to be working with for my internship. so originally I applied to work with Split Works, a promoter, but now I'm working for a spin off for them called Scorched which is a booking agency. I talked to the two guys over there and it sounded awesome. I'm excited to go and work there and learn everything and help them and do things!

maybe it was my fault, but I felt like I could have done a lot more at rounder. look at me here with a full day of nothing. it was sort of my fault because I never really broke up of my shell here or felt comfortable. which makes it hard. and I am kind of mad at myself because I think I had some great opportunities here that I sort of wasted. but hey maybe if I tour with one of their artists next summer i'll have the chance to look even better in their eyes and they can help me. because tracy for example has worked as  head of A&R in all the major labels and signed Miranda Lambert who is huge. so I really should be closer to her. but at least she knows my name and now she knows I hope to tour. but the internship in China will be amazing for me, I hope. it sounds like it. but since the Skype call was at 9:30pm last night I was actually over Erin's friends house for movie night so I had to bring my laptop and go in one of their rooms to talk to them. so that was kind of fun and cool, me working and getting things done and all. I'm kind of excited to have things to do and balance that with my life and everything. but before that I had two weeks to "relax" in Ireland.

but really rounder was what it was and I'm grateful for it. I'm ready to move forward. I just have to get through about 5 more hours and then some awkward goodbyes/thank yous. and then after that I'm going to live on the green. and then I'm picking my mom up from the airport. and then I have to get all my stuff together. and then I'm driving back home. and then I'm flying to Ireland. that's crazy that in like 3/4 days i'll be in Ireland. and I'm sure that will go by quickly and then finally i'll be in china!

I'm so excited for my life. I'm doing what I want to and living my life. I can do whatever. I can get through anything. like this is awesome.

okay marketing meeting in 9 minutes which will take up an hour and then I have 4 more hours to kill. or maybe i'll try to get out of work early. that could potentially work too but ehhh I would feel kind of awkward. we will see what happens. i'll try to update you again soon about my life.

6 Questions to Ask When Your Life's About to Change

1. Where Am I?

Where am I emotionally?
Where am I physically?
Where am I financially?
Where am I relationally?
Where am I spiritually?

This is difficult. But I'll start with the easier ones.

Financially - I am relying on my parents to fund my college tuition. Right now I have enough money personally to get me through next semester in China. I actually figured this all out and broke it up so it was a third, a third, a third between my parents and I. Then I find out that actually my dad is only paying 8,000 a semester which is less than a third. but basically my mom said i could keep all the money in my account for spending in china - which is about 2,000. i will probably spend all of that in china. after that i will have to start working next semester for sure. because soon i will have to be paying off student loans. so right now i am okay. i have enough to make it by next semester if i still to the budget i made. after that i have to make sure i get a good paying job with enough hours if i want to pay my share for college and begin paying off my loans.

Relationally - I am single. i almost wrote happily single but i need to be honest with myself. in my head i know it is the right thing to be single right now and to be that way at least through this semester. but in my heart i am lonely and just want someone to be interested. i don't know. but basically i am okay with the fact that i am single and have no potentials either. with my friends, i have to remember to work at my friendships because it is so easy for me to let them slip away when it isn't convenient. but i have amazing friends.

Spiritually - I have been reawaken to God and that whole shabang. i am still figuring out where i stand religiously and spiritually. i have been thinking about God a whole lot more since i've been in Nashville.

Physically - I am in good health. I could probably work out some more to make me stronger but overall i am healthy and i am happy where i am physically.

Emotionally - I am doing well. I am working on strengthening myself emotionally. I still have mood swings and low points but overall i am pretty stable and well.

2. What Do I Need to Leave Behind?

I need to stop thinking about Abby and Josh and the friendships I lost there. I don't know if giving that money to Abby was a good idea or not. but i did it and i hope her to best. and Josh made it clear that he doesn't want to talk to me. so I need to stop thinking about them and leave them behind. I am on to bigger and better things. it will be easier when i am in China, I have just had a lot of time to think while in Nashville.

Also I am so excited to leave behind social media. I feel right now like I'm a slave to them constantly checking. so it will be amazing to not have to check that all the time. goodbye facebook and twitter.

3. Who Do I Want to Be and How am I Going to Get There?

I want to be one of those girls who is just confident in herself and so opening and welcome and authentic that people are just drawn to her and they are fascinated by how she is just herself and how she is happy and how she makes other people glow too. I want to be aware of others and how I affect them and I want to affect them positively. I want to have a strong sense of self and self-worth and self-love. I want to feel like I can do anything. I want to be ready to take on the world and move into my next phase.

and now how am i going to get there? by opening myself up in China and letting myself experience new things and meet new people. by being honest with myself and being comfortable in my own skin no matter where i am. by knowing that i am strong and talented and smart. and by looking out for other people as well as myself. and by just being the best me i can. and by learning.

4. Where is There Room For Growth?

I think I am holding myself back by keeping myself withdrawn in myself. I need to allow myself to branch out and just go for it. To stop being my own worst enemy.

5. Who Do I Want By My Side?

My mom. Maeve. Maura. Roxy. Ellie. Amelie. Emma. I think those are the people who are really going to stick by me so I need to stick by them.

6. What Are My Motivations?

Why? Why am I going to China? For myself. So I can become a better person and in turn help others. I need to better myself and do this for myself so I can be the kind of person who always lifts other people up and helps them. I am going here so I can become more capable for whatever comes my way.


I feel like that was kind of cheesy and I didn't really get to the root of anything. But it might have helped a bit. I also was rushing through it because it was taking a long time.

hi, i owe you a post. i don't even know where to start. let me see what the last thing i wrote was.

okay wow, drama with Joy - haven't heard from her and i'm glad, i don't need to talk to her, and meetings with people.

okay so since then my family has been here...when i say family i mean my mom and sisters. and they were here for a week. that was great because i was with them the whole time. i love them so much and i am glad i was able to spend so much time with them. by the end i was ready for a break though. and i am worried about maeve, i dont know if she has depression, but she will just snap and get in this horrible mood and it's so strange, it happened to her twice and it was over nothing. and she realizes she is getting upset over nothing but she says she can't control it. so i don't know. i am hoping therapy will help her, our dad went and talked to her therapist, and then her therapist called mommy and wants to talk to her too. i really just want maeve to be happy. i am starting to cry. you know how much my sisters mean to me. and to see maeve unhappy and there is nothing i can do about it. well i think i helped. i tried. i am going to be in ireland with them so hopefully i can help diffuse any situations there as well. now i can tell when it is happening. but that is just a mess.

but they left and i was hoping i would just go back to life in nashville. but i just feel ready to leave now. last night i went to a show with erin to see her friends, one of the guys that she has been having problems with and i don't know. i just felt removed from it all like i didn't belong. i'm sick and tired of being awkward and not fitting in and just being known as Erin's roommate. i'm ready for something new. i am sick of the whole going to shows, trying to network, trying to get people to like me, trying to make friends. like i just want to be myself and to feel comfortable and to feel like i belong. maybe that will be in china. or maybe it would happen here if i stayed longer. but right now i'm ready to leave. so ready. but i still have five more days...

don't get me wrong, i still love nashville and i've loved being here. maybe it would be different if i had more friends than just Erin. yeah sure, maybe Aimee and Faith are my friends too but not really that close. Corey was getting there but she is gone now. and i just am sick of being...i don't know, being thought of second? an after thought? just sort of here...but no one really cares that i am here? yeah i think that hit it on the head...the fact that i can be somewhere but no one really cares or pays me any attention, i could not be there and it wouldn't change anything. i know erin will miss me and i am glad i was able to have a positive effect on her life - or at least i hope i did. but for everyone else? it will be like i wasn't even here and give it a month and they will completely forget about me. i think that is what i am realizing since the last week i was sort of removed from everything since my family was here and i was spending all my time with them. maybe it would change if i stayed longer but i am sick of it right now and maybe these just aren't my people. maybe once i go to china i'll find my people.

will i come back to Nashville? most definitely. will i spend next summer here or live here? maybe not. maybe so. if the right opportunity came up and i needed to be here, i would be happy to come back to Nashville. but would i come back here no matter what and feel like i need to live here? no. i will be happy no matter where i am. Nashville wasn't a game changer in the sense that i need to live here.

am i glad i came? yes. i needed this. this is me growing up. this is me taking steps to being more comfortable with who i am. no, it's not perfect. i'm not 100% there but i'm getting there. look at me. i moved to a completely new city by myself where i only knew one person - and before my family came here i could count the number of times i saw him on one hand. i did this all on my own. i found this internship. i got a house. i paid my rent. yes, i had support from other people. but that doesn't discredit my hard work. i am amazing. and now it's time for me to leave Nashville so i can be amazing elsewhere. next is to go to Ireland with my family and to be there for them. and then it is to go to China for myself so i can find myself even more and i can see how freaking strong i am and how i can do anything. after moving to a new city for a summer by myself and studying across the globe for three and a half months - what can't i do?

guys, do you see what is happening? if you read this straight through from the beginning to now, do you see me growing up? do you see me being the strong woman i am meant to be? i am destined for greatness. i will be there soon. actually, i am great now.

just a few more days here and i'm onto my next adventure. bring it on.

Tom from Warner/Chappell & Frank from Carnival Music

I really did not do well with my interviews today.

The first one i went to the wrong building and then once i got to the right place i was 20 minutes late and it last 5 minutes and it was not very helpful. and he had told me when he emailed me back that he didn't think he would be much help. but really i think it is my fault for asking the wrong questions. like when he mentioned he used to do managing why didn't you jump on that?!

anyways so i met with Tom and he works at Warner/Chappell which is a production music company, so the music you hear in films, tv, etc. that aren't hit songs. They create, represent, and license that music. he is in charge of licensing and has 10 people in his team. he has to bring in revenue. he calls on clients and works with offices around the world. it's about maximizing opportunities, getting in front of people. he personally spent 30 years in radio stations but then the radio industry changed about 7 to 8 years ago. so he was involved in artist management and label promotion. and then he has been here for a year. this is completely different from what he did before. the number one thing across the board is to make sure the team is motivated and maximizing their potentially and getting all the opportunities.

the second one was better but i also missed out on a lot of questions i could have asked. i had a hit successful producer in front of me and didn't ask him about that. and he founded the company i was in and i didn't ask him about that since he sort of didn't mention the whole founding part. what the hell, molly? you really missed your chance here...

so i met with Frank Liddell (who also just won an award) from Carnival Music. it is a publishing company and he also produces records. they have 12 songwriters and they write songs everyday. he is from TX, went to boarding school in MA, college in TX. ended up in Nashville, started producing records. he started at Bluewater and then was at Decca records for 4 years worked as a publisher pitching songs and in A&R. he doesn't like the whole meetings, would rather listen to music and stay in the studio and check in on people. he doesn't know at lot. he isn't doing anything a lot differently from 24 years ago other than he doesn't pitch as much because he has other people do that, he works with the songwriters.

he says the music industry is bigger than you think, you feel closed in on music row but it is actually huge. recommended the book by Passman. he said that people forget that the music is by people and the whole humanity of it. musicians are people and artists and their art is important. you want to work with music and stuff you are proud of. how do you progress and not forget how you started. he said he doesn't know anything now that he didn't know when he first stated. you want to work with music and people you love. and there is the whole reality of what they do and how you can talk about something but it is a whole new thing to actually do it. failed a lot. about 90% of his success came from his heart and using his brain didn't always work. he knew it wasn't adding up but entered into bad situations anyways. he wished he would have protected what he believed in. don't get into something if you don't think it is 100%. to love music and to love the people and believe in them. not just be yes people. come with your sense of purpose and music.

yeah so i didn't ask him about founding a company or producing music so i'm stupid. but you live and you learn i guess.

Ben & Emiy from Ole

i've had an extremely lazy past two days. like i haven't left the house. but i've read two books. the day before, Friday and before that, Thursday were both good! one of the groups on Rounder was playing at the Ryman and i was asked if i wanted to go so i went with Corey and it was really cool to be at the Ryman and everything. and after that we got ice cream and chips and queso and walked across the bridge. it was fun. and then Friday was spent with Corey again as she was getting her car fixed so we hung out at a coffee shop while i made phone calls to hotels to try to book places for Taylor's house show tour - another story - and then went to the opry hotel and walked around there and had dinner at Johnny Rockets! so it was fun.

but then she had to babysit yesterday. and our church had their sunday hangouts today and i thought we were going to go to together but no response from my text and she didn't answer my phone call...i probably could have just went, she was probably there. but i wasn't feeling confident enough to take on an event full of beautiful, happy, confident, successful people in Nashville - because that is what our church is made up of. i mean i am sure they would have been nice and taken me in but i didn't want to have to deal with the awkwardness. and Corey will probably be like, why didn't you just come? but i'm still working on my whole confidence and not being shy thing. usually i'm pretty good once i get somewhere but i usually need someone there with me just to get me out of the house and you know. i am not going to beat myself up and get mad at myself for not going. i am who i am and i didn't go so that's okay. i will have more chances to put myself out there. and in three weeks i won't be here anymore anyways. i'll be galavanting across ireland and then living in shanghai.

but i was about to start binge watching netflix and i told myself i have to be at least a little bit productive. i haven't written up the last meeting i went to so i have to do that. then i might do a chinese lesson and maybe write a blog post. and then i can be lazy for the rest of the day. and then tomorrow i have to make more phone calls to hotels and i have two meetings.
____

okay so i went to Ole and met with Ben first. he told me about Ole (music publishers), started in Canada in 2004 and they have 3 offices (Canada, Nashville, New York) and had a 15% ROI. so they manage the writers, schedule co-writes, use songs on records, and pitch songs to records. so a lot of cold emails, networking, meetings with A&R, artists, and managers. it's all about developing relationships and pitching actual songs. so in the Nashville artists they focus on country, LA is more pop. he mentioned that Josh Dorr, Zach's roommate is signed to them. they are acquiring catalogs too, they have Taylor Swift's. so for Ben actually he went to school for music business. he was bartending and met someone from Song Records and went to work in their mail room and then in the tape room and then the assistant to A&R but then his company wanted to get into publishing so he was moved to work on that which because Sony ATV and then ended up at Ole. he said that publishers also act as managers before songwriters have a manager. he said the business is about getting a job and working two times harder.

then i met with Emily who was absolutely adorable and i really liked talking to her. she showed me the cool writing rooms that songwriters will go and write together in. she went to Belmont and she wanted to help songwriters. so that is someone how she got here because she loved helping songwriters. she helps set up co-writes and strategically puts together different people. she will often have pitch meetings and have lunch with publishers to get writers together. she was just so sweet and i really liked her.

this meeting really opened me up to this kind of music publishing, not just old catalogs or whatever. but working directly with the songwriters. i wouldn't mind working at a place like that!

so i told Zach that i went to the place where his roommate is signed to. and he was all excited asking who i met with. apparently he is buddies with all of them. so then i few days later he says: "Ben had nothing but amazing things to say about you. He was so impressed with the fact that you emailed them and met up with em. Keep going Molly!! ... Yeah he's one of my buddies. he was super impressed. Said you have a big future ahead of you" so it was awesome to get that kind of feedback. but then of course since then i've been sitting on my bum not doing anything. well i do have two meetings tomorrow but i haven't been sending out any new emails or doing anything great. but at least i have done something. and even if i'm feeling kind of stuck and blahh here and feeling like i can't really do anything else since i will be leaving soon - i'll be in china and hopefully be able to explore the music scene there. and i'll just figure it out one day at a time. i have time. even though it feels like i'm wasting time and like i should be doing something, i don't have to have my life together right now. i don't have to be doing big things right now. i'm learning and seeing. right? or is that just an excuse for sitting like a bum in my room all day? could go either way.

guys i did that thing again where i was exhausted and ready to fall asleep at 7 but just stayed up until 2am. whoops.

I just talked to Maeve and i feel so much better about everything. she saw things from the side of Joy wasn't being a very good friend and was being manipulative and that it was fine that i didn't invite her over. when i talked to Maeve i had already left Joy a message and told her she could stay if she wanted to. but if i had talked to Maeve first i probably wouldn't have. i haven't heard back from Joy but i am hoping she won't want to come. but i forgot how good it is to just talk to someone, it was awesome talking to Maeve. i should really call and talk to her about what is going on in my life more. usually i only talk to her when she wants to call to talk about all the shit she is going through. which i will do whenever and it is important but it is also nice to just talk about what is going on in my life and figure that out as well. because i realized other than Maeve i don't really have a close friend that i can call and talk to. i don't want to unload all of this on Ellie or Amelie because i have barely talked to them anyways. i really should text them just to see how they are doing and all. but i don't feel like i can just talk to them about all the shit in my life because then i am complaining and i don't want them to have to carry that or worry about me.

but basically i should have called maeve yesterday. i feel so much better after talking to her. i am going to stick to my guns and just go with it. we will see what happens. but it is good to have the reminder that i will always have her to rely on.

now i have to figure out if i clear my plates or if i can just leave them...coffee shop problems.

i feel sick. i'm a horrible person. i left joy to sleep in her car last night. and it's my fault. god. i feel horrible right now.

it was 10:30 and i was exhausted and wanted to sleep but summer wasn't texting me back and then kristian was here so i went and talked to her and basically talking to her convinced me not to have her stay. and then i basically broke down because of all of this and all the stuff that is going on at home and stuff. and she was just like you need to sleep, don't take on all of her stuff, you don't need to bring her into the house. and just now i feel like shit and don't know what to do. she still need a place to stay for like 3 more days and she texted me all this stuff like how it really hurt our friendship.

okay now let me get mad at her. we are barely even friends. she through this all on me. and stressed me out so much. i have other shit going on.

it's hard for me to be mad. i don't know what to do. this was horrible. i should have just let her come over because even then if i had to deal with that and that was messy at least i wouldn't feel like a bad person...i kind of want to talk to Maeve or someone but i really have no one. Maeve's probably still asleep. it's 7:13am in the morning and i'm up so early because i am meeting another intern for coffee at 8 but at least this woke me up, no way i could fall back asleep.

hi i really want to be asleep right now but i need work through this dilemma.

okay so i have this friend Joy, who is really Erin's friend and i met her through her or whatever. but she and Erin just had a big fight and i'm not going to go into details but basically Joy has not been a good friend to Erin and is blaming Erin for everything. and i haven't heard from Joy in a while even though i had texted her saying we should hang out a while ago. but then she texts me tonight and she needs a place to stay because her roommate is away but her roommate's ex-boyfriend is coming to get his stuff and is staying in the house and she doesn't feel comfortable staying there with him. but when i talked to Erin about her staying here Erin said she would feel uncomfortable if Joy was here even though Erin isn't here. and Summer i think is at her boyfriends house but i wouldn't feel right about having Joy stay here without asking her. and i don't know what to do. i feel like the big obvious choice is to just have Joy stay here but it isn't my house so really i shouldn't be making that decision. but it is also midnight and i just want to sleep. would I believe a horrible person if i just ignored Joy's texts and went to sleep...the answer to that is yes but i still really just want to do that. i am so tired. i can't deal. and i think Corey is upset that i didn't go to the belonging tonight. and i am starting to get stressed out by this but i really don't want to.

okay i have to text Joy back otherwise i'll feel horrible. i'll see if i can figure something else out for tonight. and then i'll talk to Corey tomorrow and make sure she isn't upset and see if she is moving in or what.

Erin just texted me and i feel bad that Erin has to deal with this now too because she is supposed to be on vacation. all i really want to do is sleep. i'll wait and see what Erin says then text Joy and either leave the door unlocked for her or i will sleep.

OMG she doesn't even need a place until Wednesday, why am i still awake! ahahahahahahah i just lost like half an hour of sleep and stressed over this when i can figure it out tomorrow. gaaaaaah.

I have been spending money like crazy lately...$50 for Kristian's utilities, $20 for a present for Corey, $30 for Hanson's kickstarter, $45 for Abby's fund, $30 for Kyle Reynold's kickstarter, $60 for new face stuff cause the stuff i bought isn't working...and I still want to buy a $100 backpack and I have a list of things I need to buy for China and I need to go grocery shopping today...

but i have to remember that everything i spent and give to other people so $170 will come back to me somehow...like the tickets to the Fray and some people in front of us paying for our ice cream (which we should have continued and paid for the people behind us! so frustrated i didn't! worse that Zach is the one who pointed out that i should have)

i shouldn't be worried about money because i have enough but i just see myself spending it all and i have no income...which is kind of scary. but i'll be okay. i don't want to be restricted by money and have it control my life...i already missed a concert by the Neighbourhood because of that. 

oh wow, i just read that Ricky isn't going to Europe with David and Jose for their tour...that is kind of shocking. i was so proud of them for pulling that off and doing it all themselves. i wonder what is going on in his life. i hope everything is okay. i wish him and the rest of the boys luck. goodness.

anyways i also left the oven on all night which i am beating myself up about, especially because that means the electric bill will be higher and that affects people other than me too...

but still thinking about KTK, reminder that other people have a lot going on in their lives. i am grateful and blessed that i have the life i have and can afford to help other people as i do.

that's dream you know: to help other people's dreams come true and if i can do that by $30 that is great. eventually i want to be able to help more. fund a whole kickstarter. be the manager behind a band that blows up.

anyways i should get out of bed and maybe try to be somewhat productive today. it's 1:12pm.

let me write a list of what i should do today:

- shower

- grocery shopping

- library

- Chinese lesson

- blog post

- start getting friends addresses together

- start clearing out Babtop

- write up about last music industry visit

i think if i do all of that i will be happy. so let's go!