hi, i owe you a post. i don't even know where to start. let me see what the last thing i wrote was.

okay wow, drama with Joy - haven't heard from her and i'm glad, i don't need to talk to her, and meetings with people.

okay so since then my family has been here...when i say family i mean my mom and sisters. and they were here for a week. that was great because i was with them the whole time. i love them so much and i am glad i was able to spend so much time with them. by the end i was ready for a break though. and i am worried about maeve, i dont know if she has depression, but she will just snap and get in this horrible mood and it's so strange, it happened to her twice and it was over nothing. and she realizes she is getting upset over nothing but she says she can't control it. so i don't know. i am hoping therapy will help her, our dad went and talked to her therapist, and then her therapist called mommy and wants to talk to her too. i really just want maeve to be happy. i am starting to cry. you know how much my sisters mean to me. and to see maeve unhappy and there is nothing i can do about it. well i think i helped. i tried. i am going to be in ireland with them so hopefully i can help diffuse any situations there as well. now i can tell when it is happening. but that is just a mess.

but they left and i was hoping i would just go back to life in nashville. but i just feel ready to leave now. last night i went to a show with erin to see her friends, one of the guys that she has been having problems with and i don't know. i just felt removed from it all like i didn't belong. i'm sick and tired of being awkward and not fitting in and just being known as Erin's roommate. i'm ready for something new. i am sick of the whole going to shows, trying to network, trying to get people to like me, trying to make friends. like i just want to be myself and to feel comfortable and to feel like i belong. maybe that will be in china. or maybe it would happen here if i stayed longer. but right now i'm ready to leave. so ready. but i still have five more days...

don't get me wrong, i still love nashville and i've loved being here. maybe it would be different if i had more friends than just Erin. yeah sure, maybe Aimee and Faith are my friends too but not really that close. Corey was getting there but she is gone now. and i just am sick of being...i don't know, being thought of second? an after thought? just sort of here...but no one really cares that i am here? yeah i think that hit it on the head...the fact that i can be somewhere but no one really cares or pays me any attention, i could not be there and it wouldn't change anything. i know erin will miss me and i am glad i was able to have a positive effect on her life - or at least i hope i did. but for everyone else? it will be like i wasn't even here and give it a month and they will completely forget about me. i think that is what i am realizing since the last week i was sort of removed from everything since my family was here and i was spending all my time with them. maybe it would change if i stayed longer but i am sick of it right now and maybe these just aren't my people. maybe once i go to china i'll find my people.

will i come back to Nashville? most definitely. will i spend next summer here or live here? maybe not. maybe so. if the right opportunity came up and i needed to be here, i would be happy to come back to Nashville. but would i come back here no matter what and feel like i need to live here? no. i will be happy no matter where i am. Nashville wasn't a game changer in the sense that i need to live here.

am i glad i came? yes. i needed this. this is me growing up. this is me taking steps to being more comfortable with who i am. no, it's not perfect. i'm not 100% there but i'm getting there. look at me. i moved to a completely new city by myself where i only knew one person - and before my family came here i could count the number of times i saw him on one hand. i did this all on my own. i found this internship. i got a house. i paid my rent. yes, i had support from other people. but that doesn't discredit my hard work. i am amazing. and now it's time for me to leave Nashville so i can be amazing elsewhere. next is to go to Ireland with my family and to be there for them. and then it is to go to China for myself so i can find myself even more and i can see how freaking strong i am and how i can do anything. after moving to a new city for a summer by myself and studying across the globe for three and a half months - what can't i do?

guys, do you see what is happening? if you read this straight through from the beginning to now, do you see me growing up? do you see me being the strong woman i am meant to be? i am destined for greatness. i will be there soon. actually, i am great now.

just a few more days here and i'm onto my next adventure. bring it on.