sooo last night i was in the bathroom and i heard maeve and maura going off on my dad about something he did and then other things he did and how he always did this. and basically attacking him. and for some reason i couldn't stand it. i was trying to hum so i couldn't hear. but then i came out of the bathroom and i told them that they needed to stop doing that and it wasn't helping anything and they were going to have to come with terms with him. and how it is easy to just make him a monster and attack everything he does. it's harder to look at his reasons and not just judge him.

but they didn't agree with me at all. they were just venting about how they feel and how they don't want to be like him.

but it's like they are here in ireland because of him and he is spending all this money on us and doing all this stuff for us but as soon as he leaves the room you talk shit about him? it just doesn't add up in my eyes.

they don't think they are in the wrong. but i think it is easier for them to just attack him and just cast him as the bad guy. i know for sure it would be easier if i could just do that.

but anyways it led to me breaking down and crying because i still have this war in my head that i can't figure out. i have no idea what to think or believe. i could be completely wrong about everything. so basically i was under the covers trying to be quiet while crying while maeve was still talking to me. and then i woke up to a note where she wrote out basically how she knew she should try not to be so angry and attack him like that but she didn't think she was in the wrong. and how i could talk to her about anything.

but it's not that simple is it? it's not about being right or wrong. it's about somehow coming to peace with all of this so we don't feel the need to vent and attack our father even if he says something we don't agree with (i don't agree with a lot of what he said but i guess you realize that his opinion might seem like yours now but it won't be forever) and so we won't break down and cry ourselves to sleep.

oh and then i was freaking out about china and if i don't like it. maura asked me what if i don't like it. and every time daddy starts talking chinese i cringe and am just like no no no. which is going to be great once i get to china and everyone is talking chinese.

anyways now i guess once maeve and maura are ready i'm going to have to say i'm sorry and tell them to forget about it, how my mind is a mess and i don't know what i am doing, and they were fine, and i shouldn't have said anything last night. if only i had kept my mouth shut.

but three more days in ireland. then two days at home. then china. great.