i don't even know where to begin.

i'm in ireland currently. it's been so strange to be thrown back into my father's side of the family after i've tried to distance myself from him. it's like he is the same as he was except for mentions about Anna or her kids. and mommy isn't here. i had managed to avoid any conversation about that shit until today. maeve and maura were at a disco with evelyn and lauren but i'm too old so i got to spend the night with my dad. and he brought up the whole paying for college thing. and how he is only paying 8,000 per semester even though 1/3 is more than that. and then how mommy was dragging out the whole lawyer thing and how much that cost and how that was what he had to do. and basically when i talk to him he makes mommy sound like the bad guy and when i talk to mommy she makes daddy sound like the bad guy. so i have no idea what is the truth. and it's really hard. i know i'm not home a lot of the time, well most of the time, so i don't have to deal with it then. but both mommy and daddy share more with me and than maeve and maura and i have the whole college and money thing to worry about and i just feel so conflicted and torn apart. and it is so hard. and now i am crying. i haven't had a good cry in a while though. i hate this. i hate the stupid fucking divorce. why couldn't it just work and they both be the right people for each other and love each other and make it work and be happy?

sobbing now. at least this song is accurate, listening to Blue by Fever Fever. cause they are all i listen to.

and it make it even better at the end of the night with daddy he drove past where he used to spend his summer where his dad's family lived. and first he was sort of all flustered and upset about the fact that everything that used to be there was gone and there were all these new buildings and it was all built up. and then he starts telling me about his past and how his dad's dad, his grandfather was so strict and how it was strange since my dad's dad was so selfless, my grandfather. and how my grandfather's brother was a deadbeat basically and how when my dad was little his dad's brother molested him and how his mother doesn't even know.

why do you unload that on me?! i don't need to know that. like thanks for sharing and all but i have enough conflicting thoughts and feelings about you already.

so he goes on to tell me how he used to pay with the children of the couple who owned the bar and farm down the street. and how he has 90% good memories from there except for the whole you know he was molested part. and he said while it didn't really mess him up too much it would have messed up his family more if he told them. so he didn't. he was a little boy!

now i am crying again. i'm crying for my dad. and i'm crying for my granddad. that was another moment when we went to visit my granddad's grave and seeing my dad cry and watching as he touched his father's gravestone.

this is not some relaxing vacation. this is a slap in the face that as easy as it is to make my dad into a monster and forget he even exists and just let him run off with his new family, he is still my dad and he has a family and a whole history here and i have family here who still love me even though i haven't talked to them in years.

okay deep breaths. this is all so much. and daddy was asking me about china and my internship and what i want to do with music and if i thought about a&r and if i wanted a house with land and horses or if i wanted to be in the city and what if i liked china so much i wanted to stay and i don't have it all figured out yet okay. i am just trying to make it through this trip. as much as i want to know the answer to everything, i can't. i'm leaving for china in a week. i don't think i am ready at all. i just want to curl up in my bed at home and sleep for days. but i don't even have days when i get home. then i'll be off to china.

i'm having one of those freak outs now. i don't want to go to china. i just want to stay home. i need to stop. i really just need sleep. it's been a long night. a long day.

i'll just listen to fever fever and go to sleep. actually i might start looking up flights from china to australia. to visit my more of my long lost family.