hi guys a few things. one I am in so much pain right now. I have an ingrown toenail. it started to hurting last weekend. and I realized what it was and I looked it up online and asked my mom. my mom was like you should try soaking it but you  might have to see the nurse - not realizing there is no nurse here, I would have to go to the hospital. so no thanks. I didn't tell her that though because I don't want her to worry, I don't know if she actually would but. anyways it was getting better and I was soaking it twice everyday. and then I didn't soak it for a day and it back tracked a bit. and then today I just sort of killed it because I did a ton of walking and now it is killing me so much as I soak it. like the kind of pain that is starting to make me delirious.

but today I went to Suzhou with Roxy, Nasser, and Derek. we went there because Roxy needed to buy silk stuff for her mom. and the rest of my travel plans failed so this was the best I got. but I think it was good. I didn't realize I had already been to Suzhou when I went last summer until after I bought tickets and all. but it was still good just hanging out with them. Kristen said after last weekend she thinks Derek likes me but ehh i'm not convinced. like it would be nice to have sort of confirmation that guys do like me since you know kind of haven't had much interest at all lately - but it would never actually work. but I do like him and hanging out with him, but as friends. i'm kind of worried about how I come across but whatever, I do what I want to. and then Nasser is cool too, i'm kind of worried about what he thinks about me too, but then I remember that I don't really care. not in a bad way, just that i'm going to do me and not worry about other people.

oh but the other day I realized i'm not as good of a person as I thought I was. the first bad thing. I was shopping with Gianna, Josh, and Kris (I know, names I don't think I have mentioned too much, I don't remember who I have talked about on here or not) but we were getting on the subway and Gianna says someone grabs her butt. and I just sort of brushed it off and didn't really say anything about it to her. and I should have. I should have said "that's disgusting, i'm so sorry that happened, are you okay?" but instead I just sort of ignored it. and that is also setting an example to the other boys that it isn't a big deal. and it is a big deal and it is wrong. but I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING. and I have been beating myself up over it. I thought I was better than that and would have done the right thing. gaaaaah i'm still really upset over that.

and then the next day I was waiting to cross the street and I see a blind man crossing on the other side of the intersection and he is waving his cane in front of him and i'm thinking to myself that it isn't a very practical way because how will he know what he is stepping on. and then I watch as he trips over the curb. and I cringe and gasp. but do I help him? no. I could have saw that coming. and yeah I have a bunch of excuses: he was too far away and I wouldn't have made it in time, I don't speak Chinese so I wouldn't have been able to say anything to help him. but really I just watched a blind man trip and probably couldn't have stopped it.

so yeah here I am thinking I am so awesome and amazing but when push comes to shove, I don't step up. so that's annoying, Molly.

and fitting the song "I Wanna Get Better" by Bleachers was playing on Spotify while I wrote that.

but anyways now I really want to sleep because I am exhausted but I don't know if I have an interview tomorrow morning. because he was supposed to let me know today if that time would still work. well if figure I will still wake up to check my email and see if it is happening. and then I am supposed to go walk around a little water town in Shanghai tomorrow with Kristen and some of her friends. but with my toe that is probably not a good idea but I am going to do it anyways because I only have three weeks left here and I want to make the most out of it. so I will suffer and suck it up and go tomorrow. i'm hoping it will be feeling better soon or else I won't be able to fall asleep.

I feel like I have more I should be telling you but instead I am going to go sleep. so goodnight!