okay quick update.

I miss shanghai. I miss the people. I missed how capable I felt and how comfortable and happy I was there. like it feels so amazing to go navigate the subways of shanghai with your friends and go discover someplace new. I miss that. I miss Kristen, I miss derek. I even miss Nasser and josh some too. but mainly roxy, Kristen, and derek. and mickayla too. and my roommate - who left without even saying bye to me! I came back to my room on Saturday after being out all day and all her stuff was just gone. and when I wechated her she said that it was too much - saying goodbye and all. when I saw all her stuff was gone I almost cried. it was so sad. I miss her so much. she was probably the best roommate I've ever had. I love her!

and I didn't say goodbye to derek. I figured he was out drinking all night, but ended up he stayed in and stayed up all night saying goodbye to everyone - well, everyone but me. he didn't text me and I didn't text him either. after he left he messaged me and he felt bad and all. but now i'll just have to see him again I guess. but it was getting to that point where I was paranoid if he liked me or not. like did I tell you about the night we just walked around talking? hold on, let me check. yes, I did. okay so that night like I didn't think about it at all, I wasn't interested in him and I didn't really think he was interested either - or it didn't cross my mind. so it was fun and relaxing. and then people start saying things and then I start wondering. and then I start thinking...."do I like him?" and then I pay too close attention to what he is saying or doing and what i'm saying and doing. and it drives me crazy. and i'm still doing it even though i'm not in shanghai, like posting snap stories just because I know he will see them and then keep checking to see if he saw it or not. even though I know that it would never work and I know I am not actually that interested, even though I really like him. but he is just a really good friend and I should really stop reading into things. but hey last night i found out a guy liked me i ended up dating him for 2 years - completely different situation. but i still miss him.

in other words, i saw my dad today and basically completely avoided all the messy stuff. when he brought up my sisters i basically said nothing he said he understood that i didn't want to get in the middle of that so then we just continued onward. so we are back to our agreement where we just pretend like nothing is wrong. which is fine. i would rather just be cordial so that way it still seems like i have a father. both maeve and Maura aren't talking to him now. he scared Maura because she said she didn't want to go see him and then he said something and she flipped out and he said something about "I see you are spying on the girls again" or something like that thinking that it was mommy, but Maura thought that he was spying on her. so she was super scared cause she was home alone and it ended up Maura went and stayed at auntie lorrie's one night because maeve and my mom were going to be gone all day. but yeah so things aren't all pretty with that. and i don't know what is going to happen. and then of course right before i left shanghai and i said bye the Roxy she said something about how he is still my father and all...which she is saying because her father died. but it's like do you keep him in your life just because he is your father even though he is toxic and not good for you? i mean i can handle it because i barely ever have to see him and i can suck it up for one lunch every while. but my sisters have to deal with his bullshit and emotional abuse and him only thinking about himself more often. they are happier when they don't have to go over there and see him. but are you saying they should be unhappy and anxious and have their emotions and minds messed with just because he is their father? it's a fine line to walk there and while i know where Roxy was coming from what she said has been haunting me and i feel like it wasn't her place because it is a completely different situation.

whoops i just made the mistake of reading the last facebook message Anna sent me that i haven't been reading because it wasn't worth it and it just made me so mad again. she is focused on him again. not thinking about us at all. all about my dad and how hurt he is. what about the kids he left behind and how messed up and hurt they are? let us just push aside our feelings so our dad can feel better about himself, don't worry Anna, we will just forget about everything he has put our family through so his blood pressure will go down. for reference:

I am really sorry to cause you and your sisters pain. However your father is the one hurt most. I turned off my profile  back a while ago just to avoid any complications.
But I like to keep in touch and share my life with my family in Taiwan.
I will not bother you anymore and will un connect  with you on FB.
My family like you and think highly of you. I sincerely hope the best for in the future.
I knew you didn't  like me and don't want to get in between your dad and your sisters. I don't know how much you know the pain that you girls do to him and I am really worry and scared. His blood pressure and sleeping is getting worse.
Please don't tell him I said this to you as he is trying to keep it
together.
Thank you very much.

but honestly it isn't worth me stressing about and getting upset about. no matter what we do or how much we argue or talk about it, he isn't going to change and he will always twist it to make him look like the good guy and like we are the bad guys. oh also he told Maura about how if she actually saw the messages that Anna sent me she would see that aren't bad and that she shouldn't take information 2nd hand. UM, if the messages make me upset, they make me upset no matter what they say and Maura is standing by me that they make me upset, she doesn't need to see them.

okay okay, i need to stop. i need to focus on the happy things. like Christmas is coming soon. maeve and i bought mommy plane tickets to go to the trivia night in st. Louis to see Zach and his family. i am home even though i miss shanghai so much. and i am with my family. and we will figure it out. and i miss my friends. and for some reason i am crying now. i am just exhausted. i need to go sleep. i am happy but i just wish i could make all this stupid stuff with my dad go away and have everyone be happy and i wish i could just snap my fingers and go back to shanghai and be with my friends and then be able to come back and be with my family too. it's great that i have a home in so many places: here, babson, Nashville, shanghai, but that means i am always away from a home no matter where i am and i miss it.